What No One Tells Women About Love in their 30’s and 40’s

How beautiful it was for me to witness you doing

something similar to me, which is people are like, What do you

mean? You have an amazing relationship, and you're letting

it go like that makes no logical sense. Get married, have kids,

get a house like, lock it down, keep it forever, and there's

such scarcity and fear around how most people do relationship.

And yet, every relationship serves a purpose, and they're

not all meant to be here forever and ever. In fact, I would say

most of them aren't like there. There might be one rare

relationship that keeps deepening and keeps evolving and

keeps growing and keeps expanding, and you both are

expanding together, but again, you're not going to know that

till later. You can't pre decide that that's how it's going to be

a part of you will try, but that's how most people do

relationship, and that's where you and I differ. Hello,

beautiful. Just before you get into this week's episode, I with

Amy piminski interviewing me, I just wanted to give you a little

context for the episode, as it's a little different than normal.

This episode was recorded for Amy's podcast the feminine

frequency, and it was such a good conversation, and I felt

like such a powerful episode, that I wanted to share it with

you too. I also thought it was a really great episode that if you

have any friends who are new to the new truth, this would be a

great one to share with them to help spread the word as it's all

about love and relationships and dating and in your 30s and 40s

and beyond. Of course, it's still relevant if you're in your

20s or below, but it's a really, really powerful conversation

about doing love in the new paradigm, in the new way. So

enjoy, and I'll see you soon.

Welcome. Welcome, my dear Kate. I'm so excited to

be in this space with you today, to connect with you in this

timeline that we're on, and to really, yeah, let my listeners

get to feel your frequency and get to receive your wisdom.

Today.

I'm so happy to be here. My love

Yeah, I'm just looking at our screens. And Kate

and I are, like, completely opposites right now. So Kate has

like, light hair, light eyes. She's got a beautiful, like,

sensual tank top on, and I have dark hair, dark eyes. And I've

got my like sweater, my brown sweater, on, so we've got some

contrast going on, and something that I really, really love about

Kate. We've known each other for I mean, we've known each other

since maybe 20, maybe six, six or seven years now, and we've

been on such parallel paths in so many ways, in in business, in

with our podcasts, with our love lives. And today, we are

specifically going to be talking about relationships and calling

in the love that you desire and the love that you crave. And

before we get into that, I really just want to highlight

something that I deeply appreciate about you, Kate,

which is your devotion to love and your devotion to truth. And

I feel like you are such a walking, living, breathing,

embodied example of a woman who is embodied in her truth and who

who really leads herself from her intuition and from her

heart. So just really want to start there to to reflect your

essence and who you are to me and how I see you. And, yeah,

it's it's really beautiful that we get to be here today and get

to have this conversation together.

I have goosebumps. I because I as soon as you said

that, like how I let my heart lead, or however you phrased it,

I just in that moment, pictured the moment we met, like we were

at a business workshop. We did not have any interaction the

whole weekend, and the very last day, you said one thing, and I

looked at you, and I was like, Oh, my God, that woman's so

beautiful, and I went up to you and I said, Wow, and I followed

my heart instead of just thinking the thought and then

leaving and never talking to you. And I was also tired from

connecting, so my intention was just to go over there and give

you the gift of reflecting your beauty, and then, and then

leaving, and then here we are. That was how we started our

relationship.

Yeah, yeah, I love that moment, and it's really led

to so much in friendship and also just so much inspiration in

my life. And yeah, I don't know that many other women who have

been on this parallel path in the ways that we have. So for

some context, Kate and I both like followed our hearts and

intuitions, and we moved. Kate moved all the way from Canada to

Greece, and I moved from San Diego to Asheville, so across

the country, and we've moved around the same time. And

logically, it doesn't really make. Sense, we had, you know, a

lot of support, and you had a great community in Canada, and

you really followed that. And then both of us, when we arrived

in our designated new soul homes, we we met, we met a man,

we fell in love, and we both got to experience, I would say, in

my experience, and I believe in yours, like the deepest love

that we've gotten to experience before. And then here we are

about three years later, and actually found out through a

mutual friend of ours, Catherine, who was like, Oh my

God, you and Kate are going through something so similar.

You're both ending your relationships and starting this

new chapter. And so yeah, yeah, we've just been on these, these

really parallel paths, and since then, Kate has now moved to

Kenya and followed her heart there. So, yeah, just really

admiring, like, the courage, I know that you talk about this,

like, courage that it takes to listen to the heart and to do

the thing that feels true in the body, and that allowing leading

us to the deepest alignment and magnetism and love and impact

that we can experience in this lifetime. Yeah, 100%

and the heart. I mean, the thing is, the heart

path. It's my favorite. I say this on my podcast, like every

week, I think my everyone's sick of this statement or this quote,

but there's a old poet. He's in his 70s. Now, this quote is from

a talk he did in the 70s. David J white, he's a poet and a

philosopher, and he said, How do you know you're on your soul's

path? Well, the path disappears. That's how you know. You can't

actually see it, and yet, most women are humans. But all you

know, I speak mostly to women, I think you do too feminine

frequency. Most women are trying to map out their path out of

fear and trying to control their future and control what's

coming, and control love and oh, if I get love, I need to keep it

forever. I need to I need to sign the deal and hold on to it,

and trying to pre decide for our future selves what's coming and

what we're going to experience in the future. But the reality

is, when you're living from the frequency of the heart and soul,

you actually can't see what's coming, and that's why I think

this is so perfect. We're doing this episode, and then it's

Valentine's Day, and this topic is all this conversation is all

about love, because how beautiful it was for me to

witness you doing something similar to me, which is, people

are like, What do you mean? You have an amazing relationship,

and you're letting it go like that makes no logical sense. Get

married, have kids, get a house like lock it down, keep it

forever, and there's such scarcity and fear around how

most people do relationship. And yet, every relationship serves a

purpose, and they're not all meant to be here forever and

ever. In fact, I would say most of them aren't like there. There

might be one rare relationship that keeps deepening and keeps

evolving and keeps growing and keeps expanding, and you both

are expanding together, but again, you're not going to know

that till later. You can't pre decide that that's how it's

going to be a part of you will try, but that's how most people

do relationship, and that's where you and I differ.

Yeah, yeah. And you know, I think that there are

always going to be opportunities to surrender more deeply to

where. Where is my heart guiding me? Where is life guiding me?

You know, and especially when we do live in the constructs of

like, this is the normal path. This is what our ego attaches

onto. Because there's a lot around our identity and around

our status and around what it means to be single in your 30s

or 40s, right? And I think that really, ultimately, what I'm

most deeply devoted to is truth. And I will say it's not the

easiest path, that's for sure, but it does keep getting better

and better and better over time. And what's coming through is

this visual of the upward spiral where it's like, okay, when we

go through these times of letting go and shedding and

releasing, we often, you know, feel like we're going backwards,

or we're in, like, the depths of the grief. And then after we

move through that, then we start to move up the spiral again. And

then we we actually catapult in that time to a higher frequency,

into a higher timeline. And it just keeps getting better, and

it keeps getting more aligned and and, you know, like there

will be another cycle of death and rebirth after that. So

that's kind of what I'm visualizing as as I'm feeling

into this, you know, living in deep alignment with your truth,

yes, and all of my work, I actually am writing a

book right now, saga, saga poli, Poli, which means slowly, slowly

in Greek and Swahili. So. So I'm writing a book called The

unscripted woman, and that's also the it's my brand is the

unscripted woman, and it's like there are so many layers to the

script of who we've been taught to be, and part of it is the

indoctrination of the people in our lives. Because even the word

single, so I'll tell you, I'm 44 years old, I've never been

married, don't have kids. It's not because I'm a horrible

person, or, like I can't get a man or whatever. I had a five

year relationship. I had many one and a half and one year ones

before that, but five year one, I had a seven year one, and then

I had a three year one, that were all beautiful and all

served a deep, deep purpose in my life. But at at 44 and after

doing 20 years of deep self inquiry and and getting to know

the magic of my own soul, and not following anyone else's path

but my own, which I did at first, right? And I was like in

the fantasy loving, trying to control where love was going.

And it kept not working for me, because I was meant to be a

teacher of this. So it kept shattering. It kept shattering.

And finally I could feel, the more I would just let go and let

life lead, the more happy I would feel, the more pleasure

I'd experience, the more deep fulfillment I'd have in my life,

the more purpose I experienced. Everything kept opening up, the

more I'd surrender to the greater path. Instead of

thinking I know what, how it's supposed to go, like I tried to

make my five year boyfriend in my 20s, my husband, because

everybody else was getting married that I grew up with. I

grew up in North Vancouver, which is almost like a small

town in itself. All my high school friends married their

first boyfriend, and they're all still married with kids. And I

went a different way. And now at this point in my journey, like I

don't even identify with the word single, I just went on a

spontaneous trip to the coast of Kenya, which, PS, Kenya is the

most magical country ever. I've never been to the coast. What

it's like the Red Sea, or the red ocean, or no red ocean, the

Indian Ocean. It's the warmest ocean in the world, white sand,

turquoise water, so beautiful. My friend was to call me Tuesday

night. My friend and then her boyfriend, Jonathan has to my

friend rose, called Jonathan, has to go to work in Diani for

the week for a few days. Do you want to come? There's an extra

room in our Airbnb. Yep, I'm coming because I can work from

anywhere I already do. So I booked the flight on the spot.

Went the next morning. My mind, of course, tried to talk me out

of it, but I went the lot the next morning, went on this

spontaneous trip, and as we're hanging out, whenever, I took a

selfie, and then I went to post it, and I was like, third

wheeling. It isn't that funny. Not once did I think that I'm a

third wheel. Not once Am I like, oh, there were a couple and I'm

single and I'm separate than you. I'm just me. I am the same

me when I'm in a relationship that I am when I'm on my own,

I'm and so this is what I teach in my work women, how to

untether from the script and all these labels and these stories

of who we think we are and who we're supposed to be, so we can

start being in relationship and out of relationship and in

marriage and out of marriage, and just be ourselves. Not I'm a

divorced woman, I'm a widow, I'm a single woman, I'm a married

woman, I'm a woman in a relationship. Like, why is a

relationship status define who we are as women. So I've noticed

that there's such a liberating feeling to that, and it's such a

people are like, Oh, you're single. Like, are you dating

yet? And I'm like, Oh, I'm single. Like, I'm just me. Like,

it doesn't register that it's like, different than how I was

when I was with Patricio, how I was with my friends on that

trip. We were together for five days. He even took us out on a

date, and he surprised us. Told us to dress up. We went to this

restaurant in a cave. It was so beautiful. We get, we took a

tuck tuck to get there. We get, it's like, kind of like Costa

Rica there. We get there and have this beautiful dinner.

We're both so excited and surprised by this amazing cave

where they built a restaurant and he paid the bill, and we

went home, and I was the next day. I was like, Oh my God, how

thoughtful. Like, he just that was like, a date for both of us.

He could have taken her when I left, because they're still

there, but he took us both. Like, but these are the kinds of

experiences I attract, whereas most women who are single

wouldn't even do that, and if they did, they'd be like, Oh, my

God, they're so happy. And they are very happy. Oh, I don't have

a partner there. And I'm using a whiny voice just because it's

not you. That's your conditioned self. So I'd like to ham it up,

but it's like, I don't have a partner. I'm the only single

woman at the wedding. I don't want to go to this Christmas

party. I'm the only single woman there. I don't want, oh, it's

Valentine's Day. I'm single. It's like, you're you. Whether

you're in relationship or not is absolutely irrelevant. You're

you. And let's deepen into the magic of you, and then you'll

stop questioning or being so attached to these identities.

I love this distinction of getting out of

the labels, getting out. Of the identities and the molds that we

have been programmed with, and really coming into what I'm

hearing like your soul essence, and you are, you, wherever you

are. And I feel like that is when we attract the most magic.

It is when we attract these beautiful opportunities where

people want to be around us and want to delight us and take us

out to these beautiful experiences. And like the

willingness to say yes is, is part of that too. Like listening

to that, Oh, this feels expansive and inspiring, and I'm

a yes to this. So I really love all of that. And you know, being

that it is Valentine's Day. I think it brings up a lot of

emotions. I think that it can bring up a lot of emotions,

similar to birthdays or holidays, but specifically

because this one is centered around love. And you know, it

could be if a woman is in a relationship and maybe she's

feeling unfulfilled or unmet, or she's not feeling loved in the

ways that she wants to today, or she is not in a relationship,

and she's really craving that partnership and craving that

connection, and wants to feel loved by a man, and wants to

feel chosen. And so I really want to dive deeper into this

today and really speak to both of those women of how can they

really receive the love that they crave. Where do you want to

start?

Well, what I'll say is the same thing I have my

clients do on their birthdays and on Christmas. If you go to

my podcast, the new truth every holiday episode for the whole

month of December was the same thing of like, how to do

Christmas differently this year. If you have trauma around the

holidays, or you have trauma around your birthday, or you

have trauma around Valentine's Day, here's the heroine. So in

my work, I've developed my own coaching method, as you know,

but I'll just speak to it. It's called the expanded love method,

and I've been coaching for about 17 years, but I developed it 10

years ago. And the expanded love method is working with two

aspects of a woman, her saboteur and her heroine. And the

saboteur is the conditioned version of you. It's not you,

it's your patterns, and you think it's you. It's who you've

been behaving as since you were a child, because parts of you

were shut down and you adapted in the moment in whatever way,

fantasy control, self sacrifice, shape shifting, isolation, these

are all ways that we adapt as children, and then we it becomes

our identity, and we think it's our personality, but as Joe

Dispenza says, It's your personal reality that you were,

that you created based on your environment and based on your

conditioning and A lot of different factors, your family

system and your social system and your culture and all these

factors. So with the heroin practice of Valentine's Day, and

this is relevant, whether you're married or in a long term

relationship, short term relationship, single,

polyamorous lesbians, right? It doesn't matter where you fall

this is what I'm going to invite you into, is to and, and this

episode, I imagine, is airing before Valentine's Day. So you

have a few days to like, really get into this is to take full

responsibility for this day now, instead of trying to externally

source something so part of the reason why we feel so

disappointed on any holiday is because, when we were kids,

someone else was responsible for making those holidays good, and

they either made them really amazing, and then you go the

rest of your life like being disappointed in everyone else's

version of your birthday or the holidays because your mom did it

the best, or They were really shitty, and you were, you know,

deeply disappointed as a child, and then you're avoiding it or

pushing it away or trying to recreate it in a better way, but

mostly trying to get something from everyone else, which is

actually what I call the old paradigm of love, which is

externally sourced Love, most of us are trying to get love, and

most of the relationship model that that even therapists like

I've realized through doing this work for so long, most people in

relationship are doing relationship from codependency,

and we don't actually know it's codependency. We think it's

norm, because codependency is so normalized that we don't even

often name it as that. And so there is a different type of

relationship that you can create where you're not looking to get

something from someone else. You're rooted in it in yourself.

You've awakened and unlocked all these parts of yourself, and now

you're relating from the fullness and truth of who you

are, as you talked about, as you talk about so much, and then you

become met by someone, rather than extracting love trying to

feel from the Wounded Little girl who doesn't feel good

enough, right? If I'm trying to get love from a man, because I

don't unutter. On some level, I feel like being single means I'm

not worthy, not lovable, not good enough. I'm going to be

trying to get love from him. And guess what? It'll feel like

you're getting it in the beginning, and then eventually,

once the relationship settles down and real life kicks in,

it'll feel like he's now responsible for your pain, and

he owes you something. You need to get it again. And why isn't

he attracted to me anymore? And why isn't he showing up like he

used to? And is there something wrong with me? And is he into

someone else? And what like what's happening, we constantly

think that that they're responsible for how we feel,

rather than learning how to be in full relationship with what's

happening inside of you and sourcing yourself so that what

you get in relationship is rooted in you taking full

responsibility for your needs and not trying to get them met

in relationship. So, and this is actually controversial to what a

lot of people teach, but I could talk about this for hours. I

know we don't have hours, but so circling back to Valentine's

Day, what I have my clients do on Valentine's Day and all the

other holidays is to create the experience for themselves, so

that everything you get doesn't mean you're going to be alone on

your island forever. It means that you're going to be full

like like I was when I went to Dyani beach, and all of a sudden

my boyfriend's my boyfriend was called Jonathan, my boyfriend,

my friend's boyfriend is, is, is spoiling me in the same way he's

spoiling his girlfriend. Why? Because I'm in my heart. I'm

open. I'm not like I've got it, I'll take care of myself. I'm

not in my patterns. I'm I'm playful, I'm connected, so I'm

not needing him to give me anything, but I'm I'm receiving,

and that you said it earlier, like the universe, the people in

our lives, the opportunities, what we attract when we're in

the energy of fullness already, of being full inside of

ourselves and not needing to extract anything from anyone

else, you're going to get more than you could ever imagine.

That's the thing that's actually the key to having the love that

you crave is to be able to to give it to yourself first. So

with Valentine's Day, let's start with this. How can you

create a day that feels really nourishing, and I think you use

the word nourish a lot, that feels really nourishing for you,

that's like filled with pleasure, that's filled with

love, the giving yourself the words that you want to hear, if

you're a words person, giving yourself the surprise gifts.

Like, go buy yourself something, wrap it up. Stick, I was gonna

say, stick it under the tree. That's Christmas. But like, wrap

it up, put it in, you know, with a card. So you wake up

Valentine's morning, you get to open it. Take yourself to the

spa. Go to the beach, if you're a beach person, go to the

mountains, if you're a mountain person, do some meditation. Go

to a yoga class. Do spend the day, and it doesn't have to be

on Valentine's Day. Might work or whatever, but spend a day

absolutely pouring into yourself, celebrating your love

for yourself, even if you don't love yourself, yet you can still

and that's learnable, and that's buildable and but you can still

create a day and an experience that feels good for you. So what

feels good for you? That's where you start. And that way, whether

you're a sovereign woman who's not in a relationship, or you're

a sovereign woman who is in a relationship, you're full

already. So whatever you get from the external world, world,

if anything, or if, even if you're a sovereign woman who's

on her own, not in a relationship, go on a date on

Valentine's Day with a stranger, but full, right? With your heart

already full, with your pleasure you know, already filled to the

max, so that you're not going on that date to try and get

something from him, but you're able to just share a connection

and experience with someone, or go with a girlfriend, or go with

yourself. But it's like, see, and then, if you got a husband,

same thing, then you then all of a sudden he's like, Damn, you

look sexy today. Like, what's what are you doing different?

Because you're full, rather than you being like, you forgot it

was Valentine's Day, you know? Like, that's what most women do.

They're like, either mad or they're shut down and they avoid

the topic altogether, or they get something, but it's not

enough. Or, you know, it's like there's so much expectation on

the external, and that's just extractive love, which is not

real love, that's codependency.

Yeah, I'm really loving this teaching and the

practice that you're offering women, and what I'm hearing is

that it's really this practice and this shift from outsourcing

love safety and shifting it into insourcing, which is like, how

do I fill my own cup? How do I meet my own needs? In some of my

my teachings around this, I will also use the framework of the

five love languages, but using it in how can I love myself in

the ways that I want a partner to love me? So if it's words of

affirmation, maybe you're going to write down beautiful letters

and notes to yourself, or sticky notes to yourself. Maybe you're

gonna go take yourself out on a date and spend some intentional

time with yourself. If it's gift giving, then you get to buy

yourself flowers or a gift and, like, really pouring into

yourself. If it's acts of service, you might make yourself

a beautiful meal, or you might, like, tend to your house and

make it really beautiful and clean, like all of these ways

that we can give to ourselves and really meet our needs in a

lot of ways. And you know, I guarantee you that there are

women who are single right now who are like, well, it's not the

same as a partner doing it for me. And the truth is that it's

not like it's different, right? It is different when someone

else is doing that for you. But if you want someone to meet you

in these ways, you have to practice giving it to yourself

first. And when you come from that full cup, then men actually

feel inspired to show up and do these things right. They feel

inspired to give to you. And I think this is the same,

manifestation principle as if we're manifesting from a place

of lack, of like, I don't have something, or it's not enough,

or I'm not enough, then we attract a vibrational match to

that. The universe will send a vibrational match to that. But

if we're manifesting from a place of gratitude, and being so

grateful for the life that we have right now, and so grateful

for the friends that we have and the love that we have in our

life, and the abundance that we have in our life. When you're

living from that place and practicing that over and over,

then we become a frequency match for more love, more abundance,

more joy, more pleasure, right? So I see it in that way too,

that when, when we're outsourcing, it is from that

place of lack, like you were saying, and it doesn't, it

doesn't invite in more love. It actually, like, pushes it away,

yeah, yeah. And it's, it's also like, when it's

because, okay, I always look at it as you're either loving from

your Wounded Little Girl and your saboteur, your patterns,

saboteurs, like the conditioning, the stories in the

mind, the thoughts, the beliefs and your Wounded Little girls,

the feeling underneath, right? I'm not and the limiting

beliefs. I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable. And if you're

loving from that place, guess what? Because even if you're as

you're describing, it's not the same as a man doing it. Most

women can't receive love because they're doing love from their

wounding, they can't actually receive it. So even if they have

a man who gives them everything they I remember having a

boyfriend back when I was in my saboteur fully and didn't know

my heroin at all was not sovereign in any way. I moved to

Australia for a guy, and which, you know, I think that was part

soul, part heart, like moving to Australia was my soul, and the

guy part was my saboteur, and he turned out to be a douchebag. So

I ended up not douchebag. That's really mean. I actually don't

see him that way now, but he turned out to be not aligned in

any way. He was aligned for my patterns, not for my heart. And

so that relationship ended. I got into another relationship,

and it was one of the most beautiful relationships I ever

had. His name is Byron. He was the most lovely man, and Byron

loved me at the time. I was 24 I never felt love like that in my

life. And I mean, my dad loves me so much. I have a great

family, so it wasn't like but I had never experienced love from

a man who wasn't my father. It like that in my life. He adored

me to fly to the moon for me, he loved me so much. And I

remember, and I'm sure some women will be able to relate to

this. I remember crying so hard and being like, Why doesn't it

feel why can't I feel it? I can't feel it. It's like he

loves me so much. He flies to the moon for me. Does anything

for me. He's so worthy, which is my love language, he's this,

he's that, and then nothing he did was ever enough. It was

which the number one complaint for men in relationship is that

nothing they ever do is enough for the woman. And woman's like,

no, I need more. I need more. I need more. Why? Because under

the little girl's in charge, and she's trying to feel worthy and

lovable and good enough from him. So it'll never be enough.

It's a bottomless pit. So actually, even if the perfect

man, who's the most aligned partner you've ever experienced,

created the most epic valentine's day of your life,

you wouldn't be able to receive it when you're in your Wounded

Little Girl and your saboteur, but when you're in your

sovereignty and you've given it to yourself, and you're fully

filled up within you, connected to you, loving on yourself, not

needing anything from anyone, because you've given it to

yourself. And I actually have started to touch love inside of

myself that no man has ever come close to touching like the

deeper you go into yourself, the deeper you go, it's like a

bottomless, I don't want to say pit, it's like, it's like, like

a Cave of Wonders. That's like never ending corners to explore.

And that love like I no other human. I love so many humans,

and nothing touches the love that I have inside of myself

that I've experienced. So that's something. And just planting a

seed for the future. But when you're rooted in yourself and

you're loving, loving yourself, and filling up your cup, as you

said, and then being, you know, the single woman on the date

from that place, or the whatever, it's like, you

actually don't need anything. But as you said, then you're the

magnetic frequency where people just want, when we're in the

need the little girl, it actually pushes away the thing

we want, even if we get it, like I said, you can't receive it

fully. But when you're in that sovereign place where you're

full and you're good, and you feel so satiated, what you get

from the external world's unfathomable. But the cool thing

is, there's no attachment to it, then, like, it's just you

appreciate it more, and you can actually receive it, but it's

like, oh, this is so beautiful and so amazing. But it's not

like, Oh my God, I need more. I need more because you're already

full. So you can receive it in so much more of a profound way.

Yeah, I've heard that teaching in a way of like,

it's like the Hungry Ghost. It's like never enough when you're

trying to get it from someone else, from externally. And one

of my spiritual mentors taught me this, which was such a

powerful teaching of like, if we outsource our safety and love to

someone else, it's never guaranteed. It's never reliable,

and it's never sustainable, because we don't know if that

relationship is going to end. We don't know if that person's

going to die, we don't know if things are going to shift. And

so the more that we like put these expectations or these

needs on other people before we filled our own cup, like if it's

coming from that place of lack, then we are bound to be

disappointed at some point, like it's inevitable, and the only

true source of love is that that is sustainable, is one that we

can practice within. And I'll add to that, that for me, like

self love and self trust isn't just about you as an individual.

It, in my experience, it's your relationship with the divine.

It's the relationship with life, with unconditional love and

seeing yourself and meeting yourself from that lens as if

you are being met with unconditional love. And I

really, really, yeah, just appreciate what you shared about

this beautiful, magical cavern inside where it's like, oh, even

at 44 years old, you've been doing this work for 20 years,

and you're finding and meeting new places and ways to love

yourself. And I think that's just such a beautiful

opportunity and teaching, because many of the women who

are, you know, listen to this podcast, they've they've been

working on self love. They recognize that their negative

self talk, or that, you know, being hard on themselves or

being nasty themselves isn't working, and they've likely

started to work on on that piece of things, and to know that

there are still just deeper layers of self love and self

discovery that you can continue meeting is so beautiful. And

this is something that I teach, especially around what you're

talking about with codependency is, you know, a lot of women

will lose themselves in romantic relationships, and oftentimes,

the first thing that will go is their self care, is their

spiritual practices, is time by themselves. It's not spending

time with friends. And so it's like they enter into

relationship, and they lose these things that help them to

be connected with their truth, to be connected with themselves.

And so, you know, there's one thing about being a sovereign

woman when you're not in a relationship. But then the next

layer of that is, can I maintain that sovereignty within myself,

which is different than hyper independence like it's not, I

don't need a man and I can't be in a relationship. It's, can I

maintain that sovereignty and be in relationship with this other

being? And I'll just share from my experience over time, I've

gotten way better at that. And also that makes, if the

relationship doesn't work out, it makes it a lot easier,

because you still have yourself. You know, you haven't lost

yourself, but I noticed really subtle ways in this relationship

that I'm exiting it becomes very subtle ways that I was merging,

ways that I was like, I wouldn't say, losing myself, but ways

where I was adapting my behavior, that that had me not

being fully true to myself or like where maybe was abandoning

myself in ways for the desire of connection and to maintain that

attachment that I had, right? And so it's become a lot more

subtle over time, but it's still there because I. It's a deep

pattern from childhood. It's a deep pattern that we see. It's,

it's what we see modeled in relationship, in, you know, in

in our, I don't know, in the world, right? So, yeah, I really

feel like it is just like, this ongoing practice of like, okay,

not just loving myself when I'm single, but like, when I'm in a

relationship, like, Can I, can I continue to deepen that with

myself, and can I continue to to show up for myself in the ways

that are most loving to myself while I'm while I'm tending to

and while I'm engaging in this relationship with another being?

I'm curious to hear your thoughts about that. You know,

in relationship, out of relationship, I know that you

said kind of like you are who you are when you're in a

relationship and out of relationship, and you're also, I

don't know you're, you're, I don't know, eight years older

than I am, so you have a lot more practice than I do imagine.

It's a practice, though, forever. And I think

that, you know, every new partner we attract is to

activate new parts of ourselves. Both are in a in a pleasurable

way, in a painful way, and the pain is what calls forward the

parts of us that are repressed. So if I'm not fully in my power,

I might attract a man who's like controlling, maybe narcissistic,

and I'm self sacrificing, whatever. And then one day, I'm

like, Fuck, no more. Can I swear on this podcast? I hope you can

believe it out, if not. And then a table flip, and I'm like, I'm

out of here. And it's like, okay, that was your activation

into your queen. Like, finally, not to say the queen is like,

you know, screaming at someone else, but it's like, that is you

had to get to that place of bottom and of the shadow side of

the Queen, to not tolerate the thing anymore, to walk away and

then grow into that part of your power, because you chose

yourself and your truth in that moment, rather than this toxic

relationship. So every relationship serves a purpose in

our life and our life path, in our growth. You know, I think of

Jeff, my seven year partner. I was with him from 33 to 433, to

40, and you know, it would, it would make sense, like, oh, we,

like, we built businesses together. He opened his

restaurant six months into our relationship, and now it has a

Michelin star, and it's like, one of the most popular

restaurants in Vancouver. And I started my business. We were

together. He cooked at my first retreat. He built my first

website. Like we were so instrumental in helping each

other step into our purposes. So I could have easily thought, oh,

I should get married and have kids and keep going, because,

you know this really, he's successful. And I'm like, we're

doing this thing, and it makes sense logically on paper. But

ultimately, the purpose of that relationship was that it wasn't

it wasn't romantic love, it wasn't deep intimacy and

sensuality. And that was my next relationship with the Latin man

from Argentina who I was with in Costa Rica, and I helped heal

his heart, because he was very shut down when we met, and he

helped heal mine, because I got to awaken all these parts of me

that I'd never fully expressed with a man before. And so it was

so healing and nourishing for both of us, and then it became

complete. And so every single relationship is calling forward

parts of ourselves, you know, and unfortunately and

fortunately, unfortunately for the women who never wake up to

realizing there's another option, but fortunately, to all

the women listening, and women who are on the path of of

sovereignty and of Living from the heart and the soul and the

truth of who you are, is that these relationships, whatever

relationship you attract, like whatever who, whoever you and I

will attract next, is part of the curriculum, right? And your

fantasy, addict, condition, saboteur, will tell you, Oh,

it's my husband. We're going to be together forever. Finally,

I've met my partner. Maybe this is a partner you're going to be

with for a long time. That's absolutely one possibility. One.

There's infinite possibilities. Back to David J White's quote,

how do you know you're on your path? The path disappears. You

can't see it. One little stone lights up at a time that you

step on. You cannot see where you're going, and we only want

to see where are going. To try and quote, unquote, protect us

from the idea of future pain, but when you know how to just be

with your pain, like you're doing so beautifully right now,

and sharing with your with your community, when you know how to

love yourself through your pain when you know how to be with

that little girl. Because when you're in contraction, it's a

young part of you who needs your divine love, who needs your

sovereign, divine woman, heroine, to just like every time

I'm contracted, I'm I have one hand on my heart, one hand on my

belly, and I'm like, I love you. You're safe, and I just hold

myself while I feel. So it's not just me in the story. Oh, my

God, I should be with that person like we shouldn't have

broken out, like I'm not just in the story feeding a feeling. I'm

not in the story at all. I'm just in the feeling, and I'm

holding myself while I'm in the feeling. So I know that there's

multiple parts of me present. It's not just the Wounded Little

girl, it's. And the saboteur was feeding all the stories that are

making the feelings feel trapped in the body. Because if we're in

this story, that's how we get stuck in the feeling. If you're

like, you know, if we're experiencing, you know, if you

broke up with your husband 10 years ago and you're still deep

in grief, like it's because you're in the story that it

shouldn't have happened, or that if you blame him for what he

did, or you blame yourself that you weren't enough. And so the

story is, what keeps that feeling alive, but when you

actually just feel it like a three year old does, and you

just, like, get to the bottom of it, and you scream and you punch

the ground, and you, you know, do whatever you're you need to

do to actually release it, as the feelings arise and you hold

yourself through it, that's when healing occurs, and the greatest

healing of all in my experience, I've worked with 1,000,000,001

healers because I used to be a business coach before this

business and I all our clients were healers and holistic

practitioners. So I've literally done every healing modality on

planet Earth. And I will tell you 20 years into my journey,

there's no greater healing than loving myself through the

moments of contraction and letting myself feel and letting

that little girl feel loved and supported and safe from that

place so your relationships, like whatever happens in them,

you can handle your pain. You just need how you need to learn

how to be with it, how to be in relationship with your pain and

not in relationship with your saboteur, which is the lady

upstairs. We my clients. Name her, give her mine's called

Regina. They give her a name. So you can start to externalize

this part of you that's actually not you. She's your

conditioning. She's the program. She's like a little chat GPT.

That's just blah, blah blah, making meaning of everything,

constantly putting you down, constantly putting other people

down, blaming everyone, blaming the world, keeping you in

captivity rather than learning to acknowledge her love her, be

with her too, let her vent when she needs to, but also being

able to be with those feelings underneath, and then you can

handle all of it. I don't even remember what your original

question was. It was about relationships.

It's honestly everything. And I think that on

the surface, you and I can say, Oh, we teach women how to be

sovereign, or we teach them how to live in their truth, or we

teach them how to love themselves, to attract the love

that they want. But underneath it is that we're actually

teaching women how to hold themselves and how to be able to

ride the inevitable challenges and inevitable pain that's going

to be experienced in this lifetime. And when we know how

to hold ourselves through that, then we no longer rely on other

people in a codependent way, to have to do it for us. Now, there

are exceptions where there's co regulation that gets to happen

if you're going through a hard time, you don't have to do it

all on your own. And I've found, and I'm sure you've found this

too, through your retreats in your client work, that in order

for a woman to be able to hold herself in those emotions.

Oftentimes it's a learning process, and I just had this

with one of my clients. She was like, well, when I'm in sessions

with you, I'm able to go really deep, and I'm able to access my

inner child, and I'm able to cry and access the anger that's

here, but when I'm out doing it on my own, it's hard for me to

access that. And so what I was sharing with her is that we are

creating a blueprint, like she's learning what it feels like to

access that part of herself, and that it takes practice to feel

safe with that. And you know, I'm a loving witness, and she's

learning how to be a loving witness for herself in those

moments where her little girl comes online and is triggered by

her partner and her business. And so it really applies to

everything like once you learn how to hold yourself and be with

yourself and be that loving witness, then you know, we can

get the have those triggers come up and come online, and we can

come back to our center faster, right? So I think that it is a

process of learning how to be with those deeper emotions,

without shaming them, without making them wrong, without

letting them run the show, like just being with them, tending to

them. And I love what you just offered is this self holding

technique, which I teach too, which is like, hand on heart,

hand on belly. Sometimes I'll do that at the grocery store, or,

like, when I'm driving, when I'm like, if I'm feeling unsafe or I

feel emotions coming up, like, I'll just tend to myself in that

way. And it feels so good for the nervous system to be like, I

got you, like, I got you baby girl, like I'm here with you, or

I got you honey, like, whatever you want to however you want to

see with those younger, tender parts of yourself. So yeah, I

really love that you you share this, and I really love that you

share this, Kate, because the way that I see you, and I think

a way that a lot of people perceive you is this, like

joyful, magical spark of light all of the time, and to know

that, like this is part of your process of holding yourself and

being. With the emotions. It's not like you don't feel those

emotions. Let yourself be with them, but you don't let them

take over. And yeah, is there anything else that you want to

share about that for yourself and what your process is with

that?

I mean, also, like knowing your moon sign is

helpful, because I'm a Virgo moon and my it used to trigger

my bestie that she that I would move through things so quickly,

because I do feel them fully, gets to the bottom of them, but

I shift really quickly. And then she became an astrologer, and

she has a Scorpio moon. Scorpio Moon's a little more like I want

to hang out here and just like, you know, hang out in the dark

and be in this like cave for a while, not the Cave of Wonders,

but the other one. And, you know, just be with these

feelings, whereas Virgo Moon is the High Priestess, it's like,

it's very cleansing and pure. So I move through things quickly,

so I'll speak to that, that like, you know, there's, we're

all so unique and we're all so different. But also it, yes, of

course, I have ruptures and I have contractions and I have

things that I go through and my whole I mean, it took a long

time to get here, and it's a lifelong journey and but, okay,

you think it's hard a lot of people, I don't even call it the

work ever, because it's like this to me, you're being in your

saboteur so much more work. Are you kidding me? Faking it all

the time, pretending you're happy when you're not squishing

yourself in places that don't feel good to be in. You know,

trying to control your future, like all the ways that are

telling yourself a fantasy and then life happens. It's the

opposite of what you think it's supposed to be. Like the

saboteur patterns are so much more work than getting into

alignment with your or your heart and souls, truth ever

could be. And the deeper you go, the more expansive and light and

fun it is. I mean, all of my clients like totally different

humans on the other side of being on the journey of

awakening their heroine and not letting their saboteur lead

anymore, because they reclaim like the lightness, the play,

the joy, like everything that was repressed is reclaimed, and

now they're not outsourcing and looking for and then life just

keeps getting, like you said, richer and better and better and

better. It keeps getting better. So my life is really magical,

and I do feel really light and joyful most of the time. Partly,

that's probably my astrology. I also have a Leo rising, and I

have a lot of light energy, but, but it wasn't that way before.

You know, I had to show up for myself again and again and

again. And it's like choosing. It's not about doing. It's not

like. There's no arrival point. It's not like, because, like you

said, Life is hard the human experience. You kidding me if

we're learning like now more than ever, the human experience

is like fucking crazy, like, and I believe our souls all chose

this on some level, and we're all walking through this journey

together, walking ourselves back home. Some people are just

staying asleep because that feels better for them,

unconsciously, but, but when you're on this path, like the

the better you feel. It's like doing a cleanse, and at first

it's like torment, and it's horrible and it feels like

torture. And then the more you do it, the lighter you feel, the

brighter you feel, or like doing a fast three day water fast. And

then you feel lighter and more clear and more expansive, and

everything feels amazing. And then all of a sudden, when you

try and put something toxic back into your body. It feels

horrible now you can actually feel what felt bad that you

couldn't feel before because there was so much toxins running

in your body. So it's it's very similar with all life choices,

like the more you choose your heart. And I always talk about

this on the new truth that every time our heart desires something

your mind like, like me going to Diana beach on that spontaneous

trip. Like, I'm only in Nairobi for two weeks, and then I'm

going back to Ola Pankey farm. I've been back, and this is

where I'm working on my book. I've been back and forth, back

and forth, barely been at my cottage in Nairobi, and I love

it here. I'm only here for two weeks, and I got invited to go

for, you know, almost a week, to Deanna beach. And my mind, of

course, tried to talk me out, but my heart, the spark, was

there. And this happens to everyone, 100% of the time. And

most women listen to the fear and listen to the logical

reasons why you shouldn't follow your heart, or you shouldn't

follow your gut. If something's a no, they the mind will talk

you into your saboteur, 100% of the time, will try and talk you

into, like, change your nose into yeses and your yeses into

nose, because she believes you being dim, you staying small,

you doing what's quote, unquote comfortable, but actually very

uncomfortable is the safe thing to do, because once upon a time,

when you were a child, it was because children don't have

choice. So we have to we have to compartmentalize, we have to

adapt to our environments. But now you're an adult, and you

have choice, and every time your heart sparks or your gut

screams. Dreams, the fear is going to be there, the stories

of why you should stay or go, or why you shouldn't listen and

shouldn't do this thing are going to be so clear and so

loud. And I always say on the new truth, and to the women I

work with to that's like, it's like picturing graffiti on a

door. Don't go, don't do that thing. No, you're gonna like, I

have a bunch of clients about to come to Kenya on a retreat, and

their saboteurs are starting to kick up, and they're starting to

feel big fear. Every time I came to Kenya, even though I know I

was in love with it, my body felt turned on every time I

talked about it, every time I was here, I felt this aliveness.

I love Kenyan people. I love the culture. I love everything about

it here. And every time I came, my saboteur in the middle of the

night would be like, you're gonna die so dangerous. Like,

which, what I like, spent so much time here, and yet she

would still feed the stories to try and stop me from doing the

thing that was expanding. So, like, just know that that's part

of it. You know, stepping into a new purpose, your mind is always

going to want to try and talk you out of it, and that's what

she was hired for, and you just acknowledge her. Thank you for

your protection. All the these illogical reasons make so much

sense, and I'm going to follow this heart desire anyways.

Yeah, so beautiful. Thank you so much for

diving deeper into that. And I know that there's women who are

listening who are like, Oh, I really want to learn more about

the saboteur and the heroine, and how I could live more

embodied in that heroine, sovereign queen, energy and and

I know that you have a beautiful gift for our listeners. You have

a saboteur mini course. You want to share just a little bit about

that as we're wrapping up here today.

Yeah, it's just a little it's like 20 minute

videos. There's five saboteur archetypes, so I go into each

archetype five videos, and after you're done, you can hop on a

call with me if you want to explore deeper. But it'll give

you, give you a taste of it, and then definitely, definitely go

check out the new truth. The new truth podcast was launched at

the exact same time that Amy is so crazy, like we literally, I

think the same week

we're starting our sixth year of podcast.

Yeah, we've also multiple times, I know it's

amazing, it's amazing. So the new truth podcast, if you don't

already listen to it, it's it's amazing. And there's five years

of amazing episodes, amazing interviews. It used to be myself

and a woman named Katherine Danieli, who stepped away from

her business in the podcast right now. So now it's just me,

but there's three seasons, like over 300 episodes, of everything

about the new paradigm of love. How to date from the new

paradigm relationships, divorce, breakup, everything, but we also

move more into, you know, many other topics too nowadays. So

yeah, it's a great place to hang out. And, yeah, that's it. Reach

out to me. Follow me on Instagram, the unscripted woman.

I don't other than my stories of my magical life, I put that on

social media, but I don't. I don't pay much attention to

social media, except for stories, because I like to share

the little bits and pieces of the life in Kenya and travels

and stuff. But I have lots of retreats coming up. And, I mean,

the retreats coming up are full, but I'm actually doing a

collaborative retreat with my Japanese healer in Okinawa. I

don't know if I told you that, did I No, I haven't heard about

that one yet. I'm excited to hear March 2027, so you got some

time? And I actually think we're gonna end up doing three,

because literally, every single person I've told about it wants

to come Okinawa's island off of Japan. That's one of the Blue

Zones in the world. It's like they say, the Hawaii of Japan.

And I've been feeling Japan a lot. It seems like everyone's

feeling Japan right now. There's something about Japan that's

calling and it's been calling me for a few years. And I met this

healer, and I told her that after our healing session that

she was meant to do a retreat in Okinawa, because her mom's from

there, and she was telling me about the culture and and then

two weeks later, she's like, I think we're meant to do it

together. And she's this magical Japanese. She's so magical. I

just absolutely love her. So yeah, there's lots of exciting

things. The unscripted woman.com is my website, and everything's

on there, beautiful.

We'll link all of that in the show notes, and I'm

going to give a quick shout out to the new truth podcast,

because before I met my former partner, Corey, I was in the

space of dating again, and, you know, I had a lot of of programs

and patterns that I was working through that were coming up for

me. And I would listen to the new truth and really plug into

it, and I got some really great insights that changed a lot for

me. So just really, you know, the the current episodes, the

previous episodes, highly recommend for you ladies to plug

in. We'll we'll link the new truth podcast in the show notes

and Kate's website. Yeah, she's got amazing retreats, and also

she's an incredible mentor and coach. So make sure to check out

the saboteur mini course and reach out to Kate if today's

episode resonated with you and you want to go deeper. Thank you

again for being here my love, I always feel so lit up and so

inspired by our time together. Thank you for your wisdom. Thank

you for sharing your energy here with us today, and yeah, until

next time. Thank you for having me love you. You.