The Truth About Red Flags & Toxic Relationships

Women are so terrified they've been hurt in

the past. A lot of them are identifying with this label of

narcissism. Probably, you know, course, there's narcissistic

women on planet Earth. I know some, and I probably we all have

a varying degree of it in our patterns, right? Because it's

just another pattern, right? We make one pattern, big, bad and

ugly, but really they're all inherently neutral, and there's

a lot of patterns that exist. So when I understand my own pattern

now, the power lives inside of me, because I can actually heal

that pattern, learn about that pattern, explore that pattern,

understand why I have this pattern, understand where it

comes from and why I'm choosing these relationships with this

dynamic and I can heal from the pattern and now attract a

healthy, thriving relationship.

Hello, beautiful. Welcome to the new truth podcast. Kate Harlow,

here I am tuning in live back in Athens had a magical, magical

time in Santorini. I haven't been there since I was since

2018 which I think I told you last week. You know, I never

remember what I talk about on the podcast, and I always get

messages like, How's Santorini? And I'm like, How do you know

I'm in Santorini? Or I get messages about what I talked

about, and I completely forget so but my girlfriend reached out

and said, Did you meet the ladies in Santorini, who you met

last year? I actually couldn't find the store, so I don't know

if it's not there anymore, but unfortunately, I did not meet

the ladies. If you heard last week's episode, there were these

ladies I had dinner with that owned a boutique that I bought a

coat in last time I was there in 2018 so eight years ago. It's

been a long time since I've been there. It is a really beautiful

island, so I can understand why it's unfortunately, it's been

super spoiled by tourism. You know, it's funny, because when I

used to live in in Canada, and I would come to Greece every year,

in my mind, you know, Greece was Mykonos and Santorini. And I

think that's so true for so many North Americans. Everyone just

wants to go to Mykonos and Santorini, maybe Naxos, Paros

and Athens. And the funny thing is, like living here, the last

place you want to go is the touristy islands, although the

immersion is in Corfu, which is quite touristy, but there's only

seven Ionian Islands, which are the islands between Greece?

Here's a little Greek education for you, islands between Greece

and Italy. And so the Ionian Islands are very different from

most of the Greek islands. They're very green, where the

Cyclades, Mykonos, Santorini, Naxos, Paros, all those islands

are very dry. There's no vegetation. And I love nature. I

love not that, okay, cliffs and rocks and grass and, you know,

the sea is nature too. But I love trees, I guess I'll say,

and so Corfu and Paxos and Kefalonia and the islands I

spend most of my time on have a lot of trees, and I love that.

But, and they also have a little bit of an Italian feel. But the

Cyclades are famous for, of course, the white, beautiful

white buildings and the sunsets. Corfu, or Santorin is very

famous for its sunsets, because the town, all the little

villages, are built on top of the cliff side. So it is quite

picturesque and stunning, stunning, stunning in terms of

the the vast like range of the the island, and it's rugged and

it's Rocky, and it's just so beautiful. They have the Red

Beach, the Black Beach. We didn't do beaches because it was

early April, so no swimming yet, but it wasn't, it wasn't so

touristy, right? Of course, there were tourists there, but

it wasn't like how it is in June, July, August, September.

So if you're going to go to Santorini, don't go during that

time, although that's why most people go. But we had such a

magical time. We found like little gems. We ended up on the

the reason we went to Santorini to begin with is because my my

dear friend, is a travel writer, and she gets to stay in five

star hotels and boutique hotels and and then she writes about

them, and she promotes them to her clients. And it was so

beautiful. We stayed in two to three different places. And the

third night, we stayed in a little town. I wish I could name

it. It starts with a pyrigos, or something like that. I am gonna

have to get back to you on that one, but it actually you could

just look up Santorini Lantern Festival, and you'll find it.

It's for Greek Easter, and she's always wanted to go to this

lantern festival. And that little village was completely

tourist free, like it was Greek people and their traditional

Easter. And the entire town. If you if you follow me on

Instagram, you would have seen it. If you watch my stories, the

entire village was lit up on the Friday night. Good Friday. They

call it because this is a different weekend than the other

Easter. They call it Holy Friday. And the entire town was

lit up in these fire lanterns. It was so beautiful. They were

everywhere. Apparently there were double the amount of

lanterns this year. They were all around the churches. Every

layer of the church, top layer, next layer. Or next layer and

and like any little ledge that all the walkways, all that, like

everywhere, it was so beautiful. Definitely a fire hazard. They

do not have the health standards that we do in North America, but

it was amazing. It was such a magical experience. And it was

all Greek people, and it felt like a really cultured

experience, which was amazing to be able to have on such a

touristic island. But, yeah, really beautiful. I get why the

island got taken over by tourism, because it's so

beautiful. So that was really fun. And you know, I love, one

of the things I love about Greece is every island has its

own flavor and its own magic. And I really feel different on

each one. And I kind of feel this like Spark of magic in my

body as soon as I land on a Greek island. And so I love that

about place, you know, like, there's so many places in the

world endless. And really, every place carries its own frequency

and its own magic. You know, I think of how I felt when I was

in Scotland, and I have family lineage there and and I was

there with my my dad and my mom, who both have Scottish in their

heritage. I mean, I have a lot of things, but Scottish, I think

it's the dominant one. And that was such a special experience.

And I felt, you know, a certain way there, and then, when I'm in

Kenya, how I feel, and I have a trip coming to Japan soon, and

even just talking about it like how I'm already feeling. And

when, when I go to there, it looks like there's an Egypt

retreat coming down the road too, and and it's like Each

place has its own frequency. South of France, like every time

I go anywhere Costa Rica, there's a different activation,

which I is why I think travel is so important. You know, so many

people just stay and in their comfort zone. Most North

Americans travel within North America or America. And yes,

there's lots of places to see there. But I just think like the

world, especially when you're in ancient places, like Greece is

so ancient. So to think of how many like civilizations lived

here in Greece, like you look at the Acropolis, a normal human

didn't build that. You look at the temples like, there's no way

humans like us built those. So who lived here before? And it

just like activates this deeper connection to other worlds,

other dimensions, like I think that we've been trained to think

and see this planet as one dimensional and so limited and

so and to not believe in magic, and to not like little kids come

in, plugged into the magic and the majesty and the the absolute

god. What's the word? The absolute, vast like, I can't

even think of a word, but like, the interconnectedness and like

the universe upon like, there's galaxies and galaxies and

universes. And like, here we are thinking, it's just us on this

planet having a human experience with some humans and animals.

Like, it's just not possible. It's crazy. So anyways, I wasn't

planning on talking about this today, but I just think, like,

we come in, like, plugged in, right? We come in knowing our

interconnectedness and just being so present in the moment

and having the the magical experience. And actually, was

just watching an interview. Oh yeah, little plug. I have an

amazing soul that's coming on the podcast soon. Amrit Sandu is

his name, and he has a podcast called inspired evolution. I

love him, and I just did an astrology reading with him. This

is my first plug for it was one of the best astrology readings

of my life. I've had so many astrology readings. I learned so

many things I'd never heard before, and I felt so seen by

him and edified. And it was like, so it was like, he was

getting giddy reading my chart. It was such a phenomenal

reading. I highly, highly recommend it. And you can

actually send me a message. I have a discount code. If you

want to do, do a reading with him, you can get 50 bucks off,

which is amazing. I paid more than you will if you want one,

I've said, I've already said to tell my clients. I'm like, Oh,

my God, this is so it was so beautiful. But anyways, on that

reading, actually, not on that reading. No, never mind. I saw a

new interview come out today that he did with Zach Bush. And

Zach Bush used to be a doctor, and now he's a he, I don't even

know what he calls himself. Now he's completely left the medical

field, because he's like, reminding people of the like,

who we really are. And that's what he learned through going

down the medicine route and then realizing, like, we have lost

ourselves.

And he was talking about children being plugged in, and

he was saying, the reason children throw temper tantrums

and the reason they're con like little kids, especially colicky

ones, that are freaking out, is because they're being pulled

away from being plugged into this divine matrix, so this

divine universe that we are connected to. And so it's like

the resistance to being pulled away from the truth of who we

are. And I think we can't possibly frickin begin to

comprehend the magnitude of who we are and what this universe

and all you. Know the universe is upon universes really, really

is, you know, okay, but super out there. But that just feels

so true. I don't even know if it, if it didn't make sense to

you, that's okay. I'm planting seeds for one day, perhaps. But,

yeah, I just, I just can really feel that when I travel, I feel

like it opens up. And I know this is true for women that come

to the immersion and come to Kenya with me, and now there's

going to be a bunch of you coming to Okinawa, which Japan

is happening. We're doing it's March 2027 we're doing Japan.

We're doing Okinawa, me and Farhad, who was on the podcast

at the end of December, and Akiko, I'm going to have them on

soon, and we're going to talk all about it. But Farhad, Akiko

and I are doing a collaborative retreat in Okinawa and Kyoto.

It's two parts. You can do one part, the other second, first

part, second part, or both. It's going to be an absolutely

extraordinary experience, experiencing the culture and the

beauty and the the sacredness of Japan and its culture. And I

just think every place like we've been, we've been so

conditioned to be divided. And this actually does feed into

today's episode. We've been so conditioned to be divided and to

be separate from each other, and even like borders and like we're

I'm this culture, near that culture. And I think the beauty,

I think everything has a gift, and everything has a shadow. And

I see the beauty in borders and in different cultures is like

every part of the world established, like even in

Europe. You go from Greece to Italy, the cultures are so

different, and yet some people might think they're similar

because they're so different from North America or from Japan

or from Africa. But now that I've spent a lot of time here,

like Greece and Italy are very different, and they're next door

to each other, you know, it's so that's the coolest thing, I

think, of cultures, is each culture has its own sacredness

and rituals, especially the Ancient Ones. And, yeah, like,

like I was saying earlier Athens is the birthplace of

civilization. So there's just, like, so much ancient, ancient

culture here and ancient energy. I mean, it's profound. It's

really, really profound. So I'm super excited to explore the

culture of Japan. But what I love about traveling is I and

what I what I love for my clients too, I often attract

women who've, like, never really traveled outside North America,

that, like, usually, like 50% of the women I work with, 50% of

them love to travel, and that's why they sign up to work with

me, because they know they're going to do a deep dive into

their own soul and waking up who they really are, and that

they're also going to get to come playing Greece with

me, because that's part of my my core program, as you know, the

immersion in Greece. But it also includes nine months of deep,

deep, deep, one on one with me, and then, and then come to the

immersion and have your big breakthrough, cracking open and

deepening into who you really are. And the women that come,

half of them, love travel and adventure. So they're like, oh

my gosh, I get to transform and heal and awaken and hang out

with Kate in Greece. Love traveling, love going to new

places, or love Greece or whatever. And they come and then

about 50% of them have never left North America, or never

left America. You know, maybe they went to Mexico once, but

they've never really left other than Mexico. They've never

really left North America, and which is so fun for me, because

I love introducing women to themselves, their souls, an

expanse of life and unscripted life and to new cultures, right?

Because that's one of my gifts, is like living in new cultures

and following my heart wherever it leads me. And so it's so cool

to see it's not only like when I watch the immersion happen. It's

not just what we're doing at the immersion that's transformative.

It's these women being in this new culture. You know, even if

they have been to Greece, maybe they haven't in this way, it's

like they're experiencing the all the activations that happen

just from being on this land, just from being seeing the

beauty and the colors and the uniqueness of this place. You

know, I think it's so easy to think like, oh, all beaches are

the same. I was like, all sunny places are the same, but they're

not. There's magic to each culture and every culture and

every type, you know, like the people within a culture are so

beautiful, like Greek people are so beautiful and very unique.

And then you go to Kenya, and they're so beautiful and very

unique, and you go to Bali, and they're so beautiful and very

unique, like different right? There's a different flavor to

the people in these different cultures. So it's such a

beautiful. PART OF THE AWAKENING IS THE immersing yourself in

another culture is and I think too, this is so funny, this

episode, I should just call it like travel, but the magic of

travel. But the the thing is, like, I think so many people

travel, and they just do the touristy thing, and they miss,

like, really immersing in the culture, like my parents are so

grateful that they've got to experience Greece for the four

years in a row, they come for a month. And they're like in the

culture, you know, they have Greek friends now they're having

Greek dinners, these giant dinners. And Greek people are so

generous, and they love to share food, and they love to dance,

and they love to tell stories. And my parents are so deeply in

love with the Greek culture. They had been to Greece twice

before I moved here, but they they came on a cruise. You know,

they were on, like, a Mediterranean cruise, and they,

like, stopped in Mykonos and Santorini for two hours, ran

around, bought a bunch of stuff, ate a bunch of stuff, and then

left, like, that's not experiencing culture, that's not

immersing yourself. So to immerse yourself in a new

culture is one of the greatest ways to grow. Oh, my God. 15

minutes in, this is an episode about travel, but it's so

relevant, right? We've been so divided. So the gift of the

division of the different countries and different places

all over the world is is how they formed, and all the

cultures and all the history, and all the all the the sacred

rituals and the beauty. You know, I think North America is

the most boring, because it's new. It's not old, right? It's

so beautiful to go to these ancient places and feel these

traditions that have been around for centuries. And so it's such

a beautiful way to awaken so coming, coming, circling back,

and I'll weave these two together, the truth about red

flags and toxic relationships. You know, I think that our

conditioning, which is like our, I almost want to start calling

it our separation from self training, because you were so

connected to the universe and to your soul and to wait. Did I

finish that thought on Zach bush and what he was saying about

kids in the universe that they're plugged in? Oh yeah, the

temper tantrums. And they're having temper tantrums because

they're being pulled away from being pulled away from the their

innate connection to everything, like animals are connected,

interconnected, not just on this planet, but to everything. And

we have been pulled away so that conditioned version of

ourselves, we are constantly being programmed to be separate.

That's why I don't watch the news. I don't participate in

anything to do with separation consciousness. Because if I'm

constantly blaming my neighbor for how I feel, and you've heard

me talk about this so many times, I am absolutely

powerless, and I am fighting

my neighbor, and I am in agony internally, and I'm suffering

inside of myself, which means I'm not making a difference in

the world, right? Because if I'm constantly in agony and turmoil,

because I'm blaming my boss, I'm blaming the government, I'm

blaming my neighbor, I'm blaming my ex boyfriend and blaming my

my old friend, I'm blaming whoever, if I'm blaming somebody

else for how I feel, for my situation, for my trauma, and

blaming my parents for all the things that happened when I was

a kid, as long as my consciousness is living in a

state of blame. And just think of it like a radio station. It's

like, that's the radio station that I'm on, and I'm just

choosing to not be, not take control or power or sovereignty

over my life and my situation, and I'm just blaming the world

around me for how I feel, which means I'm I'm separate, right?

I'm separate from you. If I'm blaming you, I'm powerless and

I'm suffering and I'm miserable, and then I'm that person walking

through the world and every person I interact with, that's

what I'm spreading, right? That's contagious. Energy is

contagious. So how is that? So you know, and I've talked about

this on an episode before, people that are like, You got to

stay informed. You got to watch the news. You got to be up to

date with everything that's happening in the world that is

so unnatural. That is like back in the day, we did not know what

was happening in the tribe next door. Like that is so unnatural

for us to have. Our nervous systems can't handle knowing

everything that's happening, but also that's where my attention

is. There's that saying where your attention goes at your

energy flows, your your energy flows, where your attention

goes, you are creating your own reality, and that means that's

the reality you're creating, right? If you're just looking at

what's not going well. That's the reality you're creating. And

you are suffering, and you are spreading more suffering and

more fear, right? We already have social media to spread

fear. We already have movies and TV shows and songs and, you

know, the media and all these the all these industries that

are spreading fear, as if this planet needs more fear, so toxic

relationships and red flags. There's a lot of teachings. I

don't know when it happened. I'm trying to, I feel like it's

like, maybe congruent with the the the blowing up of social

media, like social media. Like social media, when I started as

a coach, Facebook existed. I was 25 I'm 44 so it's almost 20

years. Instagram didn't exist. And, you know, not a no one knew

what a coach was. It didn't coaching didn't even exist. But

I would say, like Instagram, I think really blew up maybe like

nine. 10 years ago, because I got on Instagram right towards

the beginning of my business, and it was just like becoming a

real big thing. And I mean, I I might be completely off in terms

of when it when it got big, but I'm pretty sure, because it

didn't exist when I started, it wasn't a thing. Facebook was new

so and I was new to Facebook when I started, and Instagram,

since the probably the last five years. Okay, I'm making these,

these numbers up, but this is just like a random guess,

everyone and their dog is a coach, okay, maybe the last 10

years. The last five to 10 years, we'll say everyone and

their dog is a teacher and a coach. You know, someone has

their own transformation, and now they're an expert. Now

they're out there teaching. Actually, that reminds me this

exact topic. Catherine and I interviewed a woman who had

100,000 followers, and so Catherine's like, Oh, she's an

expert on narcissism, narcissistic abuse. So we had

her on and we recorded an episode. You never heard the

episode. It never went live, because basically, she was in a

toxic, narcissistic, quote, unquote, abusive relationship.

She Googled how her way to how to get out of it, and then she

started teaching women how to do the same. She did not have any

education. She had no took no courses. She did no nothing

else. So the conversation had no gravitas, and we weren't judging

her because she didn't have education. That's not something

that I'm it's like, you can tell if someone's embodied in what

they're teaching and they're practicing it actively

themselves, or they learned it five minutes ago. They knew how

to grow Instagram quick, or perhaps she already had a big

Instagram, and then she's like, Oh, I'm an expert, and I'm going

to tell you how to break through from this thing. So there's a

lot of people out there talking about toxic, narcissistic,

abusive relationships and how to avoid these red flags and watch

out for these red flags. And you know, yes, it's important to

have awareness for sure. And you know, I think it serves a

purpose to understand what narcissism is, and if you have

been or have a typically attracted narcissistic

relationships in your life, any relationships with people who

have varying degrees of narcissism, if that's something

you've identified

with, I highly recommend you read a book called dodging

energy vampires by Dr Christiane Northrup. She I mean this book,

I listened to it three times because I learned so much. But

she explains, what are the qualities of narcissism, but

then what's your part? Who's attracting the narcissist? It's

the highly sensitive, empathic people. And she explains the

different types of of empaths that there are. Empaths are the

ones who internalize and who are highly sensitive, but I want to

look through the lens of the saboteur archetype patterns,

because I cannot attract a narcissist and have and be under

the wrath of their manipulation and their coercion. If I am not

in fantasy, if I am not a self sacrificer, if I'm not a shape

shifter, if I'm not a controller trying to control my future and

the fantasy of what it looks like, right? So what I'm more

interested in talking about, the truth about the red flags is, if

I'm if what I've noticed over the years of working with women

who are dating and who are who are putting themselves out

there. Again, most women are so terrified they've been hurt in

the past. A lot of them are identifying with this label of

narcissism. Probably, you know, course, there's narcissistic

women on planet Earth. I know some, and I probably we all have

a varying degree of it in our patterns, right? Because it's

just another pattern, right? We make one pattern, big, bad and

ugly, but really they're all inherently neutral, and there's

a lot of patterns that exist. So when I understand my own pattern

now, the power lives inside of me, because I can actually heal

that pattern, learn about that pattern, explore that pattern,

understand why I have this pattern, understand where it

comes from and why I'm choosing these relationships with this

dynamic. And I can heal from the pattern and now attract a

healthy, thriving relationship. But if I am staying in the

perspective of, oh, gotta look out for those big bad guys out

there, then I am going to not trust myself. I am going to

always be in fear so, or I'm going to fall for the pattern

because I am of the mindset and the mentality that they are

wrong and I am right, which is just the ego, right? That is

your saboteur. And the reality is, everyone is operating from

survival patterns, even the narcissist even the sociopaths,

even the psychopaths. They're patterns from trauma. So I'm

this is not about other people's behavior being. Right or wrong.

That's not what I'm talking about here. But the only way you

can change the type and the quality of people you attract in

your life, and this we attract, you know, narcissists, if you

are a self sacrificer and you're a fantasy addict, you like, we

can attract I've attracted them in working situations like I've

had worked for bosses that have would fall somewhere on the

narcissistic spectrum. I've worked or I've had friends that

fall under the narcissistic like it doesn't mean it's just going

to be in a romantic relationship, and when you learn

to take responsibility for your side of the street and your

pattern, you change the caliber of people in your life and

people who take responsibility too. And we're just so powerless

when we're blaming other people. And so what I've noticed over

the years of working with women is that they're so afraid to

date, right? They're so afraid to put themselves out there,

because they're like, I, you know, I hear women say things

like, I have a broken picker, or I'm only attracted to toxic men,

like, as if, if, as if, I'm powerless. Or, How do I know if

it's my gut and my and my truth or if it's my fantasy in my

mind, and there's so much self doubt that occurs, and the

reason we doubt ourselves is because people are teaching us

to look out there at who is wrong And bad out there, and

avoid dating those people, right? Which is actually not

getting to the root of the issue. It's like going to the

doctor and just taking a pill because you feel bad, rather

than getting to the root of why you feel bad and how your life

is out of alignment. It's the same thing. It's not actually

getting to the root of the problem. And wherever you go,

there you are not as a book. I don't know who wrote it. I know

I've said it before. Wherever you go, there you are. Your

patterns are creating your circumstance. And I don't say

that to blame you in any way, but I say that to empower you. I

say that to empower you, because if I can take full

responsibility, no matter what level of toxic relationships I

have attracted or am currently in,

if I take that as an invitation from the universe, and if I zoom

out and I look at all the relationships in my life and all

the people in my life as characters in my movie who I

have hired to help me grow, to help me Meet new parts of

myself, to help me become empowered. Like think of a

movie. Think of a movie like the hero's journey. Right? If the

hero didn't have the antagonist and didn't have all the

challengers and all the people trying to take him out when he

rises into his power, it would be a lot less interesting. Yes.

And so essentially, we're all on our own heroine's journey. Here

you are on your hero's journey in your life, and you have hired

these antagonists, or you have cast these antagonists in your

movie to help you grow so the man who controlled you and told

you what to think and who to be, and how, what, how you should

dress, and who you can talk to, not talk to like a super

controlling partner. You would only attract a super controlling

partner if you're matched to that, which means you are, you

are a shape shifter, a people pleaser and probably a fantasy

addict, because you're ignoring the feelings inside and just

attach the idea of what the relationship looks like, or your

timeline, or how old you are, what your what, what your life

is supposed to look like. So you're ignoring all the signals

in your body, and that's how you know the difference between your

gut, your truth in the mind. It's like there's no storyline.

It's just a bad feeling. Something feels off in your body

versus the story in the mind. This is like my the work that I

do with women, like it's so nuanced. But when you learn how

to listen to your truth, when you make that your your devotion

in your life, your devotion is to understanding and feeling and

connecting with those signals inside and learning how to live,

that's what this whole podcast is about, the new truth is

living from your truth and your inner compass, not the stories

of what your life's supposed to look like, not the stories of

your mind, not how it should be when you that. That's when you

start living from your soul and your and your aligned, your

aligned, sovereign woman, what I call that becoming the heroine

of your life, rather than living from pattern. But when you're

living from your patterns, your survival patterns, as I call it,

your saboteur, you will attract toxic relationships, but if

you're only learning about their part, right, if you're only

studying. Okay, how do I know? How do I identify a narcissist?

So even that book I recommended, it's like the last thing in the

world I want you to do. I mean, it's good to educate yourself at

first, but if you get stuck in your head, and all you're doing

is looking to see, like, who's got a red flag? Oh, that's a red

flag. Oh, I need to pay attention to that. Oh, that was

wrong and bad. That was wrong and bad. You. Your attention is

in the wrong place. Because, for one, you're in your head, not

your body, right? If you're looking for red flags, you're in

your head. For two, you're looking to blame the other

person, and you're looking for what they're doing wrong, which

means you're probably going to attract people that you know are

going to fulfill that prophecy, versus being in the experience,

being present in the moment, operating from your truth, not

your pattern, operating which means you're just present. That

means when you're dating, it's just organically unfolding.

You're not trying to control it, you're not trying to rush it.

You're not attached to it like and it's not to say this is not

a permanent state. It's a practice, right? But if you do

not have this self awareness of these two aspects of yourself,

your saboteur with a Wounded Little Girl underneath, and your

heroine, which is the sovereign woman. If you don't know how to

distinguish the difference, I highly recommend you learn how,

because that leaves you powerless in relationships most

I was just having coffee with a girlfriend this morning, and she

started to date someone new, and she's, she said, I'm an anxious

I got anxious attachment style, like, I'm, you know, getting

triggered when he's not texting back. And I'm and I asked for

permission to reflect. And she I said, Do you want to hear what I

what I have to share? Like, do you, do you want a reflection?

And she said, Yes. And I said, you know, most people are dating

from the Wounded Little Girl and their and the saboteur, because

whatever they didn't needs, they didn't get met as a kid. They're

trying to get met through their partner or through the person

they're dating, and

that's what creates the saboteur relationship. So we have two

types of relationships. You have your pattern bond and you have

your growth bond, right? A pattern bond is when you are

choosing from the pattern, and you might like, most likely,

you're not even going to know if you're choosing from the

pattern. But if you find yourself saying things like, Oh,

I keep attracting toxic men over and over again every time I get

into a relationship, there is they're the same. What the heck?

How do I break this pattern that the only way to break the

pattern is to learn how to be and live from the sovereign

woman. Who the sovereign woman is is full in herself. She is

not needing anything from anyone, right? She's not going

out into relationship because she's lonely and she wants a

partner, and she wants to feel good about herself, and she

starting to question herself worth so she needs, you know, to

be with someone, or everyone else is with someone, or I'm

that age I should be with someone like any of that stuff

is going on and you're trying to control having a relationship.

Your patterns are choosing it versus life leading you to a

moment in time where you meet a person and it's happens

naturally, and you connect, and you get to know each other, and

slowly, over time, it unfolds, and you let it right, and that

most, most of us are, if you really like someone, our

patterns are going to kick up. So I always say to my clients

like that, is the time to turn up the volume. That is your

curriculum from the universe and a great way to understand your

patterns. Dating is such an amazing opportunity and

relationships, it's amazing opportunity to understand these

parts of ourselves and to deepen in relationship with that

sovereign woman, while healing the little girl yourself as you

get activated through the relationship. But if you get

activated in relationship and you just blame the other person,

like, you know, how many people have relationship issues? Yeah,

I mean, you might, right now, you're clicked on this

relationship. You feel like you're in a toxic relationship,

and then you talk to your friends about your partner. Who

are you talking about? This is actually a great tell you are in

a pattern bond, if you go into your friend conversations with

and just talk about the toxicity of your partner, even in

therapy, if you go to therapy and all you're talking about is

the toxicity of your partner and how you should leave that

partner. Guess what? Wherever you go, there you are. I'm not

saying you need to stay in the relationship. The relationship

doesn't feel good, and your gut is screaming, leave. Follow

that. But if you don't clean up your side of the street, if you

don't start to learn how to parent those parts of yourself

that arise when you get into relationship, or when you start

to have feelings for someone, or when someone has potential to be

a partner, or when you're in a relationship or when you're

married, if you don't clean up what part of you is leading

relationships, you are going to attract another version of the

same thing in your next relationship, and probably

you're experiencing it, not just in romantic relationships, but

all the teachings out there that I see on social media are about

red flags, what to watch out for, who are the bad guys? And

what I've noticed with the women I work with, over time, I've

noticed

that those teachings have them trust themselves less, because

now. Now I'm scared when I'm going on a date. I'm not I'm not

feeling safe, and I'm looking and even if you're across from a

really safe person and a really trustworthy person, if you've

been hurt in the past, and you think that the men are the

problem, if you believe that the narcissists are the problem, and

you're going out there on a date looking to see like, oh god. Are

they a narcissist? Are they bad guy? Oh no, they just did that

thing. They just did this thing. Like, oh shit, maybe I should

leave, and then you stay. And then you want to leave, and then

you stay. No wonder you don't trust yourself, because we're

trying to trust someone else while abandoning ourselves in

the process, you cannot build trust with another person if you

don't have it inside of yourself. And the only way to

build trust and safety inside of you, which is absolutely the

most essential key ingredient for a healthy relationship and

for a happy life and for an expansive, unscripted life, is

to create safety inside of you, and the only way to create and

experience safety inside of you and trust in the world is when

you learn to live from your compass and your truth, and you

clean up your patterns leading, and you start to lead from that

place of sovereignty, the sovereign woman inside of you is

already rooted in wholeness, like there is a whole part of

you that's already there. That part has infinite self worth,

right? A lot of women come to me and they say, I just like, I

don't feel worthy, I don't feel lovable, like I need to find my

self worth. It's like you don't need to find anything. It's

already inside of you. It's waiting for you. It's the that

line, my favorite line from Wizard of Oz, the power was

within you all along, my dear. It's waiting for you. It's

waiting inside of you. And it's that is the part of you that

screamed no when you said yes. Many, many, many, many times in

your life, because we were taught not to listen. We were

taught not to follow that compass. So safety does not come

from finding the safest man, but the anxious little girl inside

of you and your patterns, your saboteur patterns, are going to

be actively shopping for the safest man. How many times in

your life have you been looking for a safe man and then you end

up in a relationship with a quote, unquote, safe man, and

you're bored. Like I hear this from women all the time, I chose

the safe guy, and then I was bored because it wasn't really

love that chose him. But I don't trust myself with the guys I'm

attracted to because I'm attracted to toxic men, right?

You see how it's all like, even my hands, you can't see my

hands. And unless this video makes it to YouTube, you can't

see my hands, but my hands are out. I'm pointing out this guy's

the safe guy. He's the nice guy. Gotta choose him, but then I

don't want to have sex with him. This guy I want to have sex

with, but he's toxic and wrong and bad, and he hurts me like

the only part of you that's putting her attention on the

guys is the wound. That is the Wounded Little girl who's trying

to get validation, who's trying to get love or get safety. Right

one side is trying to get safety and have the guy who's going to

show up and do everything for her and make her feel like a

safe little girl. The other little girl is trying to get

rebellion, and bet you know the badass

guy who's going to hurt her and just it's like the teenager

versus the little kid. Your inner teenager, my love and your

inner kid doesn't need a man. She needs you, and that is the

work I do with women. Is becoming the Divine Mother,

lover, partner, mentor, guide, teacher to the little girl, the

least little wounded parts internally, so that you can

become the heroine of your life, and you can have the deep

intimacy and love you crave, and you can have a pleasurable life,

and you can have a life purpose unfold that lights you up from

the inside out, and live somewhere you love and have an

expanse of life, but you can only have an expanse of life if

you learn to live from the sovereign woman, but if you're

trying to source safety outside, or you're trying to source a hit

of dopamine or feeling sexy from outside, or you're trying to

source you know, attention from outside, you will never feel

safe. You will never trust anyone. You will never feel

loved that little girl that's wounded, who's leading most

relationships, she is a bottomless pit. Nobody's love

will ever, ever satiate her long term. That's the That's the

truth is that because she's a little girl, right? She's trying

to get whatever she didn't get as a kid, and the only person

who can have her feel safe and loved and held and seen is you

and your heroine. And it's the most healing love in the world

when you learn to give that to yourself in. Those moments of

contraction, rather than trying to get it from somebody else. So

if you are experiencing toxic relationships and you're out

there looking for red flags, just know that is only

reinforcing your pain. It is only reinforcing trauma and the

Wounded Little girl who's been traumatized in the past, leading

your relationships, focusing on the other person and blaming

them is not ever going to change what part of you is leading

relationship. You have to learn to come from the sovereign

woman. You have to learn to listen to your gut, and even

though a guy seems perfect on paper, but something feels off

in your body to trust that. That's how you build safety

within the the letting life lead you, rather than trying to

control everything. That's how you build safety within when

you're supposed to catch a flight and your flight is

canceled and all of a sudden you're like, whole trip gets

redirected and changed, trusting that that is life's plan, right?

We only don't trust life and ourselves when we're trying to

control other people and everything that's happening

that's out of our control. That is what reinforces you not

feeling safe in the world. And the little girl is going to

grasp for safety in the guy, in the phone, in the

antidepressants, in the alcohol, in the food, in the what she's

constantly grasping to try and feel safe, and she will never

feel safe. She's she's grabbing onto a life raft that has a hole

in it. She is not ever going to feel safe from that place. She's

only going to feel safe when you learn to have a relationship

with her. When she's activated, you learn to love that part back

to wholeness, and you learn to let the sovereign woman take the

wheel and to drive and to lead your life. So it is an you know,

of course, like we can only go so far on a podcast, this is a

practice. And you know, the women that work with me, there's

no accidents. Why they work with me for like, a year, and we do

this big, big, expansive experience in Greece. And then

they do the reclamation course that I have online, over and

over and over again, and they come to master classes, and they

come to because it's not an overnight job. If anyone is

offering you a quick fix online, it's a fantasy. And that's that

little girl again, trying to source safety and trying to get

a dopamine hit of feeling good, but it is not sustainable,

because safety can only be built from within. And then you

attract like, when you have I think about it like I used to

attract narcissistic personalities all the time. I

was the perfect match. I was a fantasy addict. I was a people

pleaser. I was a shape shifter. I moved to Australia for a guy

who was like, I was it was a complete fantasy. And he like,

so sent me some Ugg boots. I'm sure I've told the story many

times over the years. Like, I moved to Australia 21 and was

like, Oh my God, love in my life. And like, meanwhile, my

gut was screaming, but I didn't listen, and I was totally a

shapeshifter. And then, in retrospect, I'm like, okay,

maybe he had, you know, I'm not even going to give him a label.

He was more of the controlling type, but kind controlling. He

was very handsome and he was kind, and he was like, But he he

was controlling, but I was only a match to that, because I was a

shape shifter, people pleasing, self sacrificer who did not know

myself, and I was looking to be rescued by a man and a crazy

romantic love story that I could tell everyone so I could finally

feel worthy and feel like I've arrived, and feel like I

succeeded at life, so that everybody else could be like,

Wow, Look at Kate. She moved to Australia. Isn't that funny?

Now, I live in the world, but in the world. I live in the world.

I live on the other side of the world, in many places, but I

it's, I don't care what other people think. It's fully about

my own experience. But at the time, I was like, Oh my God.

People are gonna think I'm so amazing, because I was operating

from that wounded little girl who didn't feel worthy, who

didn't feel lovable, who didn't feel good enough, and I was

chasing feeling good enough. I was chasing worthiness, and

never feeling worthy, and never feeling safe, and never and just

like in these crazy dynamics in romantic relationships, in work

situations, in friendships, because I was the little shape

shifter. Who do I need to be? So you like me, right? And it

wasn't until I came home to myself and came home to my body

and came home to living a life that feels good inside, right? I

don't care how perfect on paper anyone is, if I feel bad in my

body, it's a no even, even working with women. You know,

there are women I've had calls with, and this has happened many

times where, and it's not to say that there was anything wrong

with them, but there's a feeling in my body like this just

doesn't feel right, and I don't have a logical answer. I don't

know if it's because they're not ready yet. I don't know if it's

because there's something else they're meant to experience or

someone else they're meant to work with, but it's just to know

in my body. See, and I trust if it's a no in my body, it's and

then I'll redirect them somewhere else, that it's also

not aligned for them, right? So I'm really attuned, even when

I'm having a call with someone to explore if they want to come

on the journey of becoming the heroine with me, that I am

listening to my heart and my body and I say yes when it feels

like a yes. And this is how you live. From your heroine is you

learn to trust yourself and your body signals what feels

relaxing, what feels grounding, aligned, love, aligned life

experiences. It's not something that takes you and makes you

high. It's not like an ejection of like, oh my God, I feel so

amazing. That's a fantasy, right? It's a it's a very

grounded feeling. And, you know, it's interesting. Kids I've had

so many kids over the last few years tell their parents after

meeting me that they love me so much because they feel really

calm around me. Isn't that interesting. Old me wasn't calm.

Kids loved me, but I was like, bubbly and and then I they love

me because I'm calm. That's what it feels like to be in your

heroine. It's grounded, it's

not, it's not, it's not a fantasy, right? I don't jump out

of bed and go, Oh my god, I love what I do, but I am so satiated

by what I do. I love being here with you on the podcast. I love

the women I work with, the souls I get to. Like, all I am is a

soul I can't someone said I was like a soul doula or something

like, I'm just helping them birth their souls and remember

who they are. And there's like no greater gift on planet Earth.

I love it. I'm about to do the immersion. I'm flying to Corfu

tonight, and I'm about to do the immersion in a couple of weeks

in Corfu that I do every year, and I'm so excited. It is the

most beautiful, magical, fun, expansive experience. And like,

that's my soul, right? That's why I feel so grounded because

I'm satiated, and from that place, I don't attract toxic

relationships, but I don't even blame people anymore. Like, if

I'm around someone who maybe has narcissistic tendencies, I'm not

sitting there going, oh my god, that person's bad. They're a

narcissist. I gotta leave like that is protection, right? Your

saboteur will disguise herself as your heroine. Your saboteur

will disguise herself and will say things like that, person's

wrong and bad. I got to protect myself. Oh, I can't be around

people like that. They're in their saboteur. It's like, if

you're judging other people, you're in yours. You don't need

to judge other people. What you need to do is take your focus

off everyone else and come home, right? We, just like have been

taught to distract ourselves and to blame everyone else and to

look out there at what everything that's wrong in the

world, and everyone that's wrong in the world. And there's a part

of your ego saboteur that gets off on righteousness. That's why

we gossip. If I'm going to talk about someone else bad, and my

friends are going to agree with me, and they're going to take

that person down with me, whether it's the President or or

my ex boyfriend or my best friend, it doesn't matter. That

is righteousness and that energy is toxic, right? So if you're in

a toxic relationship, look in the mirror, clean up your side

of the street. Not only are you a match to that pattern, but

where are you being toxic? Where are you out of alignment with

the truth of who you really are? At the core, where do you do

things that actually feel bad after right and feel out of

alignment? Feel manipulative. People pleasing is manipulation.

Like, that's the irony we look at we look at people who are

controlling and like, oh my god, she's so manipulative. That

person's so manipulative, but like, so is the one that's like,

Sure, I'll do that. No problem. I'd love to and then gossiping

about it behind the back and complaining, that's

manipulation. That's lying. If you're saying yes and it's

actually a no, you're lying, and that's a form of manipulation.

So all patterns are the same, just some look worse than

others, some look worse than others. And, you know, true

safety and attracting healthy, aligned relationships that are

growth bonds instead of pattern bonds, because the pattern bond

just keeps you in your small self, and the opportunity to

grow in relationship is extraordinary. Like, I think

some people think I don't believe in relationships. And

over the years of of my journey, I mean, I certainly went through

phases where I was like, relationship itself is premium.

But, you know, it's not about relationship or no relationship.

I think that, you know, relationships are one of our

greatest opportunities for growth on this planet, because

they bring up so much shit. But if you don't know how to look in

the mirror and you don't know how to clean up your side of the

street, and you don't know how to take responsibility for the

wounds that arise and love and even the pleasure that arises,

take responsibility for all your feelings and love those parts of

you and heal that within and then bring the sovereign part of

you to the relationship. And perhaps talk about the

activation, but not bring it in a blame like I want my partner

to change so I feel better. That is keeping you in captivity. If

you're in the trauma bond, if you're in the pattern

relationship, you are staying small. Relationships are an

opportunity to grow exponentially. I think they're

amazing, but what part of you is choosing relationship, and it

doesn't mean your wounds aren't going to be activated in

relationship, no matter how long you've been on the journey. Of

course they will. I find they get the most activated in

relationship because it's like, oh shit. It's so easy when I'm

on my own, but when I'm with someone, I'm like, have to look

in the mirror all the time, like, whoa. Why is this bringing

up something so deep for me, what is this? What's in this?

For me, where am I out of integrity? Where am I out of

alignment with myself and my truth? Where am I projecting

that this person should be different so I don't feel pain?

Or where am I choosing to stay when, actually it's no longer

aligned, right? It's so powerful when you can be in relationship

to your own compass and your own truth

and your own sovereignty, and that is the only place that you

will ever feel safe. And all of the desired feelings and things

you want to experience with everything you think you want,

you will only have it when you're in relationship with

yourself, and then you get to also enjoy it in relationship

with other people. So again, it's not one or the other. It's

not like I'm in relationship with myself and not other

people, right? Last week's episode The the independent

woman who's actually quite guarded. It's not about that.

It's about openness to all things, but what part of you is

leading so as always, spread this message, this episode to

all friends in your life, who you know need to hear this

message. I love to hear from you. Let me know if you have any

desires for podcast episodes. Got some cool guests coming up.

It's been me just for a while, because I've been traveling so

much, but I've got some really cool guests coming up, so

excited about that. And yeah, have a beautiful rest of your

day. Love you lots, and hope this, this relationship. This

relationship is serving you. Hope this episode was helpful

for you. Take responsibility for your heroine. If you want to go

deeper with me, I would love to meet you on Zoom. And the

reality is like you will be aligned to do this, to come on

this path with me of awakening your heroine, if you feel it in

your body, if you feel resonance, if it's not your

saboteur leading you to me, trying to be rescued, but it's

actually your soul, there will be resonance on both sides.

That's that's been my experience. Of some part of you

is like, what's the immersion? Or like, what? What is this

journey? You know, there's never any pressure when you get on a

call with me, but let's have a conversation. Let's explore,

because so much more is possible for you. And if you were stuck

in the foop of FOUP is fucking loop. That's what FOUP means.

But of toxic relationships and fearful of getting out there and

dating again because you don't trust yourself, it's time to

learn how to rebuild that trust inside, because it's the only

place that you're going to feel it fully so. And then you trust

life, and you trust everyone, when you trust yourself, when

you have that that that connection to you and to these

wounded little parts and to that sovereign woman you walk through

the world trusting life and trusting everything, because you

trust whatever you're experiencing is what you're

meant to experience, and you also honor and listen to

yourself. So it's pretty profound. All right, my loves.

See you next week. Lots of love. You.