What Men Want You To Know with Bernardo Mendez

So I think there's something really

interesting I'd say about asking better questions. What do you do

for a living? I'm a lawyer. End of conversation. You know, what

is the most enjoyable thing about what you do today? That's

a better question that allows the person to dig deeper and

share something in the context of sharing something more

vulnerable looking at you, there's a different vibe that

develops. Right when you have mediocre conversations with

someone, you look at the person that that's the that's the

anchor, you see the person, and you'll all of a sudden, you feel

like, Oh, right. But if you have great conversations with someone

as you're feeling good, then that starts, that starts

creating the type of container, and you also get a chance to

build a new identity for yourself. I think each person

has an identity for each partner or each friendship that they

have. You might be far more funny with certain friends and

far more deep with certain friends, and almost like the

friends expect you to be that way, and you show up that way in

part because the identity has been set. So how can you set the

identity for something the way you want from the beginning, so

that when you continue with that person, that's the light they

hold up to you.

Hello, beautiful. Before you jump into this week's

episode, I just wanted to share a little bit about the amazing

man who I have on for the second week in a row. We decided to do

a two parter me and Bern Mendez, who has a huge following on

YouTube. If you haven't checked out his videos, I highly

recommend them for dating and relationships. He mostly works

with women and from all over the world, and has for almost 15

years. And so I decided to have burn on again, because last week

we talked about the beauty of of I was gonna say grief, but yeah,

heartbreak and how life breaks our hearts over and over again

in so many ways. And that was a really profound conversation.

And he is just such a wizard and such a deep, deep, deep soul,

and has so much brilliance that women need to hear. And I felt

like this conversation with him was really important about men

and really understanding what's going on for men. I think it's

so easy when we're in our protection to want to just blame

men and think they don't care. And so it was really refreshing

to hear his side and what actually is usually going on

from men, even if they're in their patterns and protection

too. So highly encourage you to share this episode with every

woman who you know needs to hear it and enjoy the beautiful

wisdom of this amazing soul. You Well, hello again. Bernandez,

how are you?

I'm excited to be back here one week later.

I know. Are you just every week? Is this a

collaborative podcast now, my new podcasting partner, every

week I send you a message, hey, do you want to record again?

Yeah, it's fun. I'm happy to have you back. So basically,

burn is back for a part two, which I'm so excited about. Last

week was so beautiful, so po I mean, gosh, so poetic and deep.

And I just feel like I what I was hearing from the women in my

world who were loving the episode that we did last week.

It was like a transmission. It felt like really a feeling

transmission of of an invitation and an opportunity to invite

them into a whole new paradigm of really going through grief,

which is an inevitable thing that we all go through over and

over again. So So everyone's very happy with last week. How

do you feel about last week? Before we move on?

Beautiful conversation. It was an

opportunity to share a bit of what's happening inside of me

that is also happening inside of many people. I think that

whatever you go through and you think you're on your own, once

you get a chance to put it out there. You get the chance the

opportunity to feel how many people resonate with the the

theme was heartbreak, with the heartbreak, with the grief, with

the opportunity for more, with a new dawn that pulls you beyond

the place that you can maybe the dark night where you are at that

moment. So it was, it was a beautiful, really beautiful

conversation. I was really happy afterwards.

Yeah, me too, yeah. Love that. And so basically I

left, I actually forgot how big I think I told you this in the

voice note, I forgot how big your YouTube following was. So

it says it in the intro of last week's episode, because I had

read, that's how I read your bio when I did the recording. And

then I was like, oh, I should go check out his channel. I haven't

seen it in many years, like probably 10 years. I was like,

holy shit. He's got a really big following. So then I started

watching your videos, and they're so good, they're so

amazing. And I love I feel like we I feel like we come from a

similar a similar stance, and really empowering women to be

fully themselves and to become the woman, to attract their

ideal partner and and it's so powerful what you teach so. So

how this went down is, then I said, burn another voice note

was like, Can we do this again? And this time I want to talk

about, I feel like the one of the things I've seen so much

with women lately is just, um. And that them being disappointed

in what what they get from whether they're dating or in

relationships or it's a husband, it's like always disappointed in

what they're receiving or what they're not receiving, or what

they're getting, or how the man's showing up or not showing

up, whether they're with a good man or not. So I feel inspired

to have this conversation what men want you to know. And I feel

like there's no better teacher out there who knows, because you

are a man, but also because you have worked with women for over

14 years.

Well, it's a big it's a big topic, and also

it's a very misunderstood idea. I think that starting off, I

think that the majority of women that I've come across,

especially because of the work that I do, I slightly biased,

because I get a chance to connect with women who haven't

found what they want. So it's not the whole population, it's

just a segment. It's not insignificant, though. It's not

insignificant in many different ways. I've done a little

research in terms of why, why the challenge exists, and we'll

talk more about that in a second. But I think that there

is that feeling throughout of I want so much more than I'm

seeing out there, and I want so much more that I know how to

experience or get from the guys that I'm connecting with. And

after many of those, there's almost a feeling of why even

bother, like, why should I put myself out there again when I'm

not going to get what I want? So one can create this feeling of

just, it's life is good as is. And it's not that it's not good

as is. It's just that there can still be so much more, but it's

always that, and depending upon what age group they're in, if

you if you have someone in midlife or beyond midlife, then

the discrepancy is even higher, because the way men were taught

then versus now is also different, and there's so much

of that you shouldn't express your emotions, you shouldn't

share your thoughts or feelings, and women get a chance to feel

that that's all there is, and it's disappointing. But there's

also ways to connect, to get more to hold more space, not to

become somebody's therapist or somebody's agent of change, but

I am a firm experiencer, not just believer that the speaker

and listener infinitely affect each other. So when you go out

into the world with a certain set of beliefs, including what I

want is not out there, and the guys can't get the out there,

can't give me what I want, and you'll show up in a very

specific way that almost proves you right.

And there are good men left on planet Earth.

I There's many good men left in planet earth.

And I think depending upon where you are at which age you're

setting yourself out there, you can, you can give it a shot, in

the sense of ruling yourself out of the equation. What I mean by

that is, if you go out with a paper bag with two little holes

and no one's connecting with you, you will never know if it's

because people are not connecting with you or because

you have a paper bag in your head. And there are ways of

asking better questions and seeing people differently that

create different results. Certain women, and you've

experienced this because you work with women, seem to get a

flock of men connecting with them, very magnetic, very it's

almost like effortless for them and other women don't, and it

has nothing to do with how sexy the woman is or what her DNA

features is like. Obviously, those things impact

superficially at some level, but there's something else, what you

carry inside of you, and the way you approach men, and the way

you see men impacts the way men see you back. So I think that's

a good point of starting what you want is not, I don't have to

tell you this if you're listening to this podcast and

you're single, so much of what you want is not out there, but

there is still what you want, if you know how to look for it.

There's something you said that I'm just like, oh,

I felt that's so deep, and I don't want to botch this first

part. I remember the way you see men is what you see in men, or

what you receive and what you get in men.

In great part, obviously, you can't create a

miracle. You see a guy as a beautiful, awesome and the guy

is really not doing his work. He's disconnected from himself.

Okay, it's not, it's not going to be a great match, but if you

have the capacity to see beyond the superficial stuff, you might

see a lot more that you may not have found. And also, I think, I

think we spoke about this a little bit last time, people

optimize for certain things that. Unconsciously. And I think

most people optimize secretly for chemistry or attraction.

They say they have, they have this super long list of things

that they want when push comes to shove. If they don't feel

that instant chemistry, they don't go forward. So they have

lots of guys who are maybe more of the player type, more of the

type that will be like searching for different flowers, you know,

all the time, and they're exciting and they're fun and

they're charismatic, so they will connect with those guys.

And there's other men who are really good, who don't have that

presentation of that package, and who would be an amazing

partner, but they don't feel that instant chemistry, and they

don't give them a chance. Yes, so part of getting what you want

is knowing how to look and what to optimize for. And I'm not

saying by any means connect with someone that you don't feel

chemistry with, but I'm saying that chemistry can take a lot

longer to build than the instant gratification thing that we most

want. And if you allow it to grow like a candle or a bonfire,

instead of a firecracker that bursts and then explodes and

there's nothing left, then you can find many more possibilities

that you didn't think existed in front of you, in terms of men,

that's

so true. Firecracker love, that's a

really good metaphor. Firecracker love versus like

cozy campfire love reigniting the fire as many times as you

want, versus the firecracker bursts and then it's done. And I

was even thinking about how many women like don't like men deep

down, they might not know it. I even uncovered some gnarly stuff

I had was triggered by a man friend back like, four years

ago, when I first moved to Greece, and I was so triggered.

And then my friend, always, my bestie, always makes me look in

the mirror and like, All right, what's it revealing? And all of

a sudden I'm like, men can't be trusted. Men are the worst.

Like, there's no good men. And it was actually some stuff that

had stuck to me from working with women for so long, feeling

like this advocate for women, and I started to see like, oh,

and that's how I was seeing them. So if that's what you're

like, if that's underneath, and then you're out there dating

that, that's going to be what you're going to experience. If

you believe that subconsciously, and then you're out there

dating, you're going to date the men who are a match to that

belief.

Yes. And I would say, for anyone who has

that feeling, my heart goes out because it's not something to

them, because it's not something they made up. It's not something

that they just imagine. They're not just trying to be picky.

There are very legitimate reasons why many women feel that

way, starting from early childhood, not having a dad, or

having a dad who's emotionally, physically or sexually abusive,

or all the three with them and with their mom, and then going

through relationship, that relationship, that that's

similar in some way. So it is very understandable when

somebody says, Hey, I can't trust men. It's just one of

those experiences that if you really want a connection with a

guy, if you're a heterosexual woman, you want to connection

with a guy. It's you want to connection with a guy. It's

worth exploring, and it's worth creating the right type of

vetting mechanism so that you can eliminate that which

definitely exists and is a lot of what, what's out there, so

that you can find what you want. It's it's challenging because I

it's a protective mechanism to not experience that devastating

sense of hurt again, but at a certain point in life, if it's

not examined, and if it's not, if you don't find a way to break

free from it, then you will get stuck. It's like Carl Jung said,

you know, if you until the unconscious becomes conscious,

you what was the quote? It was something along the I forgot the

quote right now, but it's until you turn the conscious

conscious, it will run your life, and you will call it fate.

Yes. So that's the type of experience that once you think

and see it, then search for the color blue, and you'll find

blue. Search for the for a white Tesla, and you'll see many more

white Teslas today out there. So when your eyes are optimized for

that, then that's all you'll see. And it's sad, because

there's many men out there who are really good men who want to

offer something to women, and they're not giving it a chance

many times, because they don't show up in the in that way that

feel the instant thrill of what we're optimized to look for.

Yeah, and we're really trained too, right? It's

like in the movies, it's always the guy that's like, the

charming, like charismatic high and she's on a high, low crash.

And that's like so much of our programming, is that

there's this guy. I don't know if you know

him. Taitashiro is his name, and he does a lot of research on

love and relationships and also what creates a long, lasting

relationship, what doesn't and he talks about three wishes,

right? And how most people have their wishes in their head. They

have 50 wishes, but sometimes on the first wish, like. For

example, you are a woman in the US, which is, I mean, happens to

be a place where there's definitely a population that's

tall, I would say, relative to maybe other South American

countries. And you say, I want a tall man. That's your first

criteria. And tall for you is six foot two, let's say, and

that's your first wish. You eliminate 90% of men on your

first wish. So by the third wish, you're mathematically out

of the equation of finding someone. So if you're able to to

go for what you really want, and can be more flexible on some of

those cosmetic things that you've told yourself that you

need, but you may not. It's like a guy. Imagine that a woman

saying, I want a guy who's six foot two is like a guy saying I

want a woman with a Triple D breasts, that's my minimum. You

know, cool. I mean, you can want that, and you can tell yourself

that you need it, because high heels and the whole but do you

really need it? Yeah.

And what part of you is wanting that? Like, yeah,

of mine, and she was sharing how, towards the

end, how she had optimized for that, and then she changed their

her not standard, but her view. And this guy that she's going to

marry in Italy in the summer is a guy that would have been

completely out of the running if we hadn't reevaluated what to

optimize for. So I think in what men want you to know, I think in

one of the it's like the that if you optimize for something that

is emotional connection, if you optimize for presence, if you

optimize for mission, there's a lot more out there than you have

seen. And having said that, it's still challenging. I'm not

saying if you do that, then every corner you'll find an

amazing, conscious man who is a match for you. No, I'm not

saying that at all, but there are plenty more options if you

know how to look.

Yeah. And I think when you're when you're not in

the fantasy, like when you're in the fantasy, you choose the guy

who's the chemistry and the six foot la, la, la, and you're

looking external versus how you feel, but when you're when

you're connected how you feel, it's and when we're really

rooted, it's a slow process, like takes time, which is why

you get to discover how many amazing men are out there. I

think of my last partner I on paper. He's not someone that I

would have maybe chosen, but it was like, it was every time we

hung out, it was just our conversations were so enjoyable.

He was really deep. He was really interesting. We were

coming. Came from different cultures. There was there. So it

just so slowly unfolded, and it was this beautiful thing that I

never could have imagined, like ending up with him, and we're

still dear friends now, and it's like, but I think so often it's

just the mind trying to be like, yep, nope, yep, nope. And then

how much gets missed? Like, how many connections that could have

been really beautiful and

meaningful get missed. And with that, it's

there's also the, I think, that most people, if you're not super

aware of what you're looking for, you're looking for home,

and home sometimes is a very shitty, dark place. So if you

are not really aware of what really gets you, then you'll be

searching for that completion weren't able to get closure on

during childhood, and you will think that you're connecting

with someone despite the fact that they're available, and it's

because they're unavailable that is the thing that makes you feel

like that's my soulmate, no, reminds you of

your dad, the guy that doesn't respond,

that guy that you feel is your twin flame. Is

your dad, in essence, basically, or your mom and your dad put

together, reminding you of this really dark space that you felt

compelled to go for again and again. And until we really see

it for what it is, we won't escape the cycle and we'll

connect with the same type of person with different faces, and

then we'll think that's all there is, right?

So like the trauma bond versus the soul bond. So

then, okay, so for women who experience this where, over and

over again, they're so stuck in their patterns are so stuck like

these, those unconscious beliefs are driving who they're choosing

and where, like what would you say? Where do they start?

I think you can start by recognizing what is

common among the people that you felt connected with, or the

people that you've had intimacy with throughout your life, what

is the common thread between them, what didn't work out, and

when you start looking at it, sometimes, on the superficial

level, it seems like there's something very different, but

there's a sense of maybe a feeling of never being enough

for them, they're always asking you to go, go through hoops, or

when you get close, they pull away, or they are too in your

business. So when you recognize what's the common thread, that's

the first step. I think that there's recognizing what. What

is your kryptonite? You know, you know Superman kryptonite,

and it's the same thing. What is the thing that gets you in

connection with someone where by the time you realize that

they're not the right person for you, you are in a dark alley

with a paper bag with a little grocery cart eating tuna from a

can. You know, not even realizing that you got there,

but like you're there. I think that when you start noticing

what's common and what is then you can start doing some work.

And I think that for those people out there who've never

done anything, I think therapy is a good therapy is a really

good starting point. But there's more than obviously. I mean, you

being there's so much more than just therapy. But I think it's a

good space to recognize what, what's, what are the things

that, what are the triggers that get you to connect with someone,

and then also beyond that? I think there's a powerful

question in asking yourself, what do you really want to

experience like, if you could not what do you think you can

get? Because what you think you can get right now might be

limited based on your skills or also what you've experienced,

but if you ask yourself, If I could have what I wanted, what

would that be? What would the relationship look like? And I'm

not talking about like the blue eyes and like, No, I'm just

talking about in terms of feelings, in terms of values,

what would you have if you if you could win the lottery of

relationships, because once you start noticing the discrepancy

between what you have gotten and what is possible, then you can

start evaluating people differently. So I think that the

first step is that recognizing what the pattern is, then having

a vision of what you really want versus what you think you can

get. And then it's a mixture, because you there's this thing

to work on yourself is really important. We know this, right?

But there's also so much, only so much work you can do in

yourself before it starts becoming very theoretical in

nature. I've connected with women who say I've been working

myself the last 10 years, and it's like, okay, well, I'm sorry

because, because you're number one and a half, you can

introduce some relationship stuff and work on things that

are still an issue right now, because you haven't tested them

in the real in the real world,

totally there's and there's some such an opportunity

dating, if you if you know how to do it, from using it as a

tool to learn and understand yourself more and understand

your patterns and note like it's such a great opportunity to grow

if we if we have the self awareness,

yeah, I call it dating to catch a husband versus

dating is a spiritual journey. Yes, yes. Dating is a spiritual

journey. Is a container of growth and evolution, where you

evolve in ways that you would have never evolved, meditating

in the mountains, with chanting with the monks, having a year of

silence, that's beautiful. And then get back to the world of

humans and test it, because you might find that that inner peace

is rapidly disturbed when somebody asks you a question

that maybe triggers a little bit of shame. So I think there's

something really powerful about do your work, and part of the

work is connecting with people, is asking questions, is dating,

is figuring out when you get triggered. Can you, I mean, we

were talking about the little will before we started. Can you

identify what you're feeling, because the feeling informs the

need, and the need informs the expression of what's important

to you. To a partner, if you don't know what you need, then

it's going to be hard for the person to meet it. And we have

this idea, I think, in society, and I think novels and romantic

myths, that it's more romantic if the person can just see it

inside of you. You don't have to tell him. He just knows it's

cool, but it's it doesn't work that way. You need to be able to

tell the person that you're with what do you want and why it's

important, and then see if that, if they can step up to the plate

and honor it,

see if it's aligned. So so what? So when a

woman is dating and she's, let's say, on dates with a good man,

what? What does? What do you think men who are dating want

women to know good men like not the toxic love bombers.

Okay, men want women to know that it is a lot

easier to move and navigate when you get direct feedback from the

woman, meaning if you are genuinely happy to not hold it

back, just to play it cool, or because you learn some rule that

you should just show some version of you. Men want women

to know that it is really challenging to do the whole

dance of putting yourself out there and be the one who asks

the woman out, who can be rejected, who is going to

initiate, and who's going to pursue and who's going to do

planning. So any generosity on their side is welcome.

So you mean around being taught, just to specify,

you mean around being how women are taught, like, oh, men should

lead. And if a man's into he'll lead. Is that what you're

talking about?

Yeah, there's nothing. But for example, if a

guy is leading, let's say the guy's asking you out, and

that'll be, I'll give you something super mundane. You

can't meet. He's taking the risk of asking you out. He's not a

psychopath of the kind that's going to no take there's guys

who don't take no for an answer, right? And that's not the guy

you want. You want a guy who has dignity. Well, after a few times

of like, no, like, just, he's okay, she's out, right? I

deserve someone who's saying yes to me. But if you connect with a

guy who is good hearted and he's asking you out, let's say you

can't meet him on a Saturday, it's like, oh, I can't do it on

Saturday. Be generous enough to say, but I can do Friday, or I

can do right? Because if you just look, the guy doesn't know

if you're rejecting him and you're just saying, I can't do

it right? What's the next generous step you can take that

makes it easy for him to understand that you're into him,

in the whole dynamic of connecting with people,

especially if you're out and about which is the best way, I

think, to connect with people, not just on dating app, but in

the real world, or in any form that is not just a dating app.

Can you be more generous with if you like him, smile, if you like

him, share something, ask a question, so that he knows that

you're not going to punch him in the knots, metaphorically

speaking, if he approaches you. So what's the not gigantically

generous step? What's a generous step you can take that puts you

also in a place of vulnerability, so you're both

equally doing something that lets him know that you're also

into him. So that would be one, one experience. I mean, one, one

thing men want from women in that also, if you really enjoy

something he's doing, then let him know. Because the guy who

wants if he's not an idiot, right? You want a guy who's

intelligent, and you sure I really appreciate how you

messaged me in the mornings. Okay, guess what's gonna happen

next morning? If the guy is not an idiot, he's gonna message you

in the morning, right? Or I appreciate I really like about

you that between dates, you call me and you check on me and see

how I'm doing. Okay, cool. He's gonna start doing that. So

that's part of it. Another thing I would say, which maybe people

go back and forth on, would be, there's nothing wrong in

initiating like, there's nothing wrong in you messaging the guy

and say, I'm thinking of you. There's because it's cool. I

think the problem becomes where you need to do that all the time

for him to ask you out. Then it becomes no woman likes. I mean,

maybe I will not say no, no woman, but most women do not

like to pursue a man. It doesn't feel good.

It feels like control, like, if you're doing

it all the time, it feels like you're trying to control

something. But I feel like this is so beautiful, this this

conversation is so important to go back to what you're saying

about. It's like, I feel like women don't realize how much,

how much men actually care, like when they when they're avoidant,

or they're distant, or they disappear like that. They're

doing that. They're disappearing because they actually care, and

they don't know how to communicate that and that like

it just in everything you said, it felt like I could feel the I

think because everyone is just taking everyone's behavior so

personally. Yeah, that that it's like he feels rejected. She

feels rejected. So everyone's on guard, and everyone's like

holding back and hiding and not in playing games and not not

speaking truth, and not and not being real or trying to control

or whatever the thing is, all in fear of being, quote, unquote

rejected. And it's like it's the same thing happening on both

sides. But I think often women think men just don't care,

especially because men tend to I've had clients that are

avoidant too, but it seems like more men are avoidant and women

are anxious in relational dynamics.

I've seen both. I've since I've had clients who

are also on the avoidance side. But so I'll go back a little

bit. You said something that's really powerful. Most women

don't know how much men care, but also most women don't know

how much men feel that that. And I think that's really important,

because the way we've been taught and trained and like by

the time you're three, four or five years of age, you know that

showing your emotions is being weak. You're a girl, which is

the worst thing a boy could be told in this horrible culture,

you're a girl if you if you have emotions, you have feelings. So

you learn to shut down, you learn to push things so you

connect with someone. And there's all these things

happening that you don't have the language to express. Now,

I'm not saying that the woman is the responsible one for training

the guy, but just understanding that there's more happening and

then being courageous enough to ask for what you want and then

see if he can do it or not. A guy you talked about avoidant

men like that, no woman who wants an intimate partnership is

going to enjoy a guy who's experiencing an avoidant

attachment. Style, and so just sharing that, you know, hey,

I've noticed that we connect, and things feel great, and then

four days go by and I don't hear from you that doesn't feel good.

Tell me more, you know. And give a guy a chance to say, You know

what? Yeah, I've noticed that maybe you can say, hey, that's

who I am. Okay, well, you can say, in your mind, well, if you

I'm not interested in that I want more, or he can say, I'm

going to do better. Or what would feel great would be if,

when we have, I mean, especially, for example, men and

women connect, and then something intimate happens, they

have sex, and then she feels incredibly vulnerable after

that, and the guy is just like, okay, like nothing's happening.

That's like, devastating where a lot of women clients that I've

connected with, so having the courage to speak out, speak up

and say, here's how I'm feeling, and here's what would be ideal

for me. Can you do that? And some guys will, and if they

can't, then that's where you get a chance to say, Okay, well,

that's not the person that I want to build a life with.

Because if something's so simple but so essential, is a no to

them, then why should I continue putting okay? So that leads to

something else. I think it's really important for you to

create the container you need to in full safety to be that

intimate with someone. I think a lot of the challenges that

happen is when that happens too quickly, and there's not a

container of safety, and there's no commitment, and there's no

exclusivity, and people think sex is just sex. I just shared

it on a different podcast. I mean, it just, I blurted it out.

It's sex is only just sex. If you're a psychopath, I mean, you

are a human being who feels and if you connect with someone, and

you have sex with someone, you're going to get attached,

whether you want to or not, in more ways than one, and that

person that you're attached to someone you don't know, and that

person's avoidant in their attachment style, you're going

to suffer unless you're also avoidant.

Do men get attached to from sex, or you're talking

about women? Yeah, men and women get attached. I mean, men get

attached. I think we also believe that they don't that

that sex. I mean, of course, they get attached, but like that

not you know, there's all those studies about how women have sex

and then she becomes, like so much more attached. What's your

just

the challenge with in that dynamic? If the

person has an avoidant tendency, and you haven't figured that

out, it's not that he's not attached, it's not He's scared

of commitment, and he's going to start pulling away. Also, there

is that sense of not expressing what you want or need because

it's weak, like if you need someone, you're weak. So I think

that men can feel a lot of things and don't have the words

to express them, and then you can think that he's just he

doesn't even care. But if you were to hold enough space and

ask the proper question without judgment, he might reveal things

to you he hasn't shared with anyone else, and I think that's

that's really powerful when you get a chance to connect with

someone and whole space and see what's possible. I'm not saying

whole space indefinitely, or be the person's mom that loves him

unconditionally, whether he's growing through emotional

puberty or not, but there's good men who, if you give them a

little more space and ask the right question, will just tell

you what's going on inside of them.

Totally this is so important. I think what you said

earlier is you asked a question, and it's the curiosity. And I

think holding even like listening to them his feelings,

especially with men, because you've been so conditioned to

not feel, to be able to hold space and get curious first

without being like, here's how I feel and here's what I need.

Because women do that. You know, we're pretty like, open about

how we feel most women, and so we mostly can't even control not

sharing how we feel. And so I feel like that piece is so

important, because I think that that's been my experience with

men, is the more space I create, the more curious I am with them,

the more they do reveal, the more they do open up. And then

they feel safe to do that too, versus like doing it like, if

I'm just being curious for what's going on for you, just

because I have an attachment or an expectation that I want to

give you so you don't make me feel bad anymore, that that's

gonna backfire, versus, like, create, you can shit. We can, of

course, share what we feel, but like, really intentionally going

in with the intention to seek to understand first, yes,

and bring something up in my mind. I think

that whoever's listening to this podcast right now needs to be

really radically honest with herself in terms of what's the

depth of intimate she's seeking. Because if you are looking

seeking for something that's really intimate, then that's a

specific that's that's a that's an amazing climb. It's not easy,

but it's doable, but that it's like when you ask a guy to be

intimate, emotionally, you also will feel things that you may

not have felt before. You might feel a little scared, you know,

like I've have clients who. See their guy finally open up and

break down, and they are because they haven't experienced that.

They think they want it, but once they get it, they they feel

really weird about it. They feel so don't know that with what you

ask for also comes a different set of skills that might make

you feel really uncomfortable or scared or not know what to do

with it.

So you need to learn how to know what to do

with it.

And that's yeah, I mean, and part of the

whole thing is practicing. And I think that's why dating is it's

a really important playground to be able to know who you are,

what you want, how to go about getting it. There's no right or

wrong. Each person is going to have a different a different

frequency, an attachment style, what they think is too much to

do. So if you understand, the more you understand who you are,

the more quickly. And I'm not saying that the other person

owes you anything because they don't, but there's going to be a

frequency of a partner that really feels like home, where

you are not too much for them. This is not a carte blanche to

reveal your wounds to the to the wind and hope that they catch

them. But there is something to be said about the right person.

Feels good. You both kind of have the same style of how often

you want to connect. There's people who like to connect once

a day. That's it. There's people who want to connect 50 times a

day. There's no right or wrong, but who are you and who what's

the frequency of the partner you're looking for? When you

understand that, then it's easy. It's easier to say yes and no,

and also it's easier to to be clear about what you I think

that if there's a common thread, it's like be as clear and direct

as possible with men. Men understand and love direct

communication. If you give your girlfriend the 50 mile

roundabout version of this, and you just say, hey, I really need

you to be more present with me, and here's what would look like.

And can you do that like that versus like, we need to talk and

like this big thing, and there's a preamble, and there's a build

up, and then like, you've lost him, like minute number 10,

whether, like, in the first three sentences, you could have

accepted. I mean, if you practice that, then you can

build into more. But I think that clear, direct works and

also works for you, because you don't have to waste time trying

to figure out the best way to say something

totally and then everyone gets to relax. And that

the piece you said way earlier that stood out. I remember

learning this in a workshop many years ago, was about how men

love appreciation, to feel appreciated, and usually they

feel like they're losing in relationships with women, like

nothing I ever do is good enough. I've heard that a

million times, yeah, but they never feel like because women

are like more, more more like this, and you need to make them

feel like that and but, but that the currency that that works the

best for men is appreciation, like trusting that they've got

it, and appreciating the crap out of them, because they love

to win. So if you're appreciating them versus

criticizing them or telling them what you're not getting, like

actually, so if you ask for something then and you're

communicating a desire, and they give it to you, even in a tiny

way, like, appreciate. That goes a long way.

Yeah, yes, appreciation is really

important. Because men, I'm not saying women don't, but men, if

a man doesn't feel admired, he doesn't feel that. Obviously, he

needs to be someone who's admirable for you to so it's,

you can't fake that. But you see examples of, I mean, I've seen

examples of women who who are really intelligent, really

smart, and they find out the guy they were with is like, with

someone else. I mean, like, they end the relationship, and now

the guy gets married to someone who this person might think

she's less intelligent, she's less accomplished, she's less

beautiful, yeah, but she laughs at his jokes, you know? And I'm

not saying that that's the threshold and the bar, but

there's a sense of admiration that takes place when that

alignment, if someone, if you find your

partner,

funny, yeah, exactly. So, okay, so finding

that admiration is important, and being able to not play

games, I think the clearer you can be with a person that you're

in front of in terms of what you want, what you need. Hold that

space emotionally, because it's hard to ask someone to really be

open when you're not being open. I have this thing that I share

with my clients, which is, you have a have a standard for how

you show up on dates, and your level of openness, your level of

connection with yourself, your generosity, and don't let unless

the guy is unsafe, then close your energy. But if the guy is

half assing it, don't half ass it with him, like show up in

your full brightness, and if he can't step up, then move on. But

that might be he might act differently with you than he

would have maybe he's having a rough day or. Something, and

he's going to see that and activate in a way that he

hadn't, but you want to rule out that it was both of your

mediocrities that didn't make it happen. Make him be the mediocre

one if he doesn't want to step up, but show up in a way that's

not about him. It's about you, like you show up. I mean, I've

had clients who are on a date that is not going well. The guy

goes to the bathroom, a guy basically says, Here's my

number. I'd love to connect with you. And that's a future date

with someone who is more of her style than the dude that was

basically like, not doing it for her, because she's still open,

she's still radiant. She's not like, pulling down her her she's

not dimming out her light as a result of what she's finding.

I imagine you'd feel a lot better after that,

right? Like, you leave the date not feeling mediocre, but you

leave the date feeling bright. It's the same

thing in partnership. You have a partner,

and your partner's having a shitty day, and now you have a

shitty day as a result of it. And you like, you can have an

amazing date and she can have a or vice versa, a bad date. You

know, it's a decent day for the relationship, bad day for her,

good day for you versus both of you. Have a really bad day. The

relationship definitely got worse that day as a result of

not holding down your your the fort, your end of the the

equation,

yes, yeah, taking responsibility for your energy.

And I love that. I love that. I remember David data said

something about how sometimes it takes even if a man isn't

sparked in, not that you want a project relationship, but even

if a man, if a man's not fully stepped in, like often it takes

a woman in her full fire. I can't remember how he said it

about it years ago, in the Way of the Superior Man book, he

talks about how it takes a woman, often takes a woman, to

really activate a man into his king, into his masculine, into

his wanting to step up. There's something that happens in the

masculine feminine polarity dance.

Yeah. I think the way I would sense that would

be you connect with someone who has, has something, and he's

he's something is going to grow more as a result of it, you

know, because of the and just like yours will. I think the

synergies of the two will make it exponentially better for

both. That, as you said, you don't want a project. You don't

want a guy who, like, is definitely not in the spot, and

the only reason he's doing is because of you, because then

that's going to be a really challenging roller coaster, but

you will find someone who feels more alive and more connected

and finds even more inspiration. I mean, the whole thing about a

muse, what is that? Music? Just more inspiration, right? You

have inspiration, but there's something that gives you even a

stronger sense of connection to your purpose. And there's more

reasons to fight and do this. Life is so challenging. Anything

you can do to bring yourself up, and I think intimacy is one of

those things where you can have the roughest of days, but you

know, there's someone next to you, who understands you and

gets you, and that makes it so much better, or so less shitty

than it would have been, which is why it's so important to if

you have somehow given up on this idea that that you don't,

because you might have 3040, more years of of being on this

earth. And I think that even the the seeking, even dying on

getting this is worth it, because you'll be a different

you'll be a better version of you. You'll be more generous.

You don't have to obsess about it. But I think that if you,

let's say, imagine you go off full force, and you put yourself

out there, and you're open and radiant and connected and

generous, and you don't find the guy, your life still better

as a result, way more fun, and you'll meet way

more people and have way more opportunities and like in way

more like you. Just because you're when you're in that

magnetism of energy, you attract magical experiences.

Yeah, I hear a lot of that. It was not in the

cards for me. It's like, was it not in the cards for you? Or did

you throw in the cards in four decades before you could say

that to yourself?

You know? Yeah, and as you were talking earlier, I

just keep feeling so many things. I love this conversation

so much. As you were talking earlier, I was feeling the just

feeling like, Okay, this goes both ways for sure, but you

know, if we're speaking to women here like you, and I don't think

it's like doing it for your partner, but when you can hold

the frequency, my friend's spiritual teacher, who I never

met, he died. He's on the other side now, but he used to say

Carl. Carl wolf was his name. He used to say it's the most

conscious person in the relationship's job to hold down

the consciousness in the relationship. And when you're

not the one having a bad day, and you're filled up and you're

you're energized and you're connected to yourself and your

purpose, or whatever, and your partner comes home like I was

just thinking about how sad it is in so many relationships

where you're with someone, some people hate their partner. Okay,

that's fair, but like. Some people are in relationships with

a partner that they really love, and as you describe the

situation of the guy having a bad day and him coming home, I

also was picturing women who are more like naggy and complaining

and like, you didn't do this and you did bitter and resentful,

and he's home and she's like, that's often what happens in

marriages. Maybe we can speak to what men want you to know in

this situation. And I'm not saying for the woman to be,

feel, be amazing and be like. June Cleaver, Hi, honey. I'm

ready to take care of you. Like, not like that, but more like, if

you're cultivating, yeah, if you're not, like, look, if I

just feels like those old sort of codependent style

relationships where it's like, I'm bitter and resentful and I'm

taking it out on you, and I'm taking it out on you, but it's

like, if you are alive in your life and in yourself, then you

can in your loving relationship on the days where you don't feel

bad too, you can, like, just give the gift to your partner

of, actually, you know, being support and those things that

you listed, being curious, being connected, rather than, you

know, The old whatever the old pattern is inside of that

dynamic, like you didn't help with the dishes, help with that,

like, whatever the thing, those, those Dina, those naggy sort of

patterns that end up happening in relationships so often.

Yes, if you have, if you are someone who is

fully connected to what she wants in life, we all have bad

days, so it's very valid for both men and women to have bad

days. And they meet and they both had a shitty day. That's

okay. But if you didn't what I mean, there's a poem we talked

about David White last time that there's one of the lines. It

ends, the poem talks about one to find a way to die of

generosity in a relationship that that is the thing that's

gonna How can you die of generosity in your relationship?

What does that mean? How can you extend something extra, you

know, for that person that will be maybe the little spark that

it needs to shift. So, the example of somebody arriving

home, and what is that extra spark that you have just, even

just presence and witness and looking into somebody's eyes and

say, Hey, I missed you, Lei, or I thought of you matters. I hear

from a lot of people who, I mean, I've worked with many

couples, and sometimes there's a challenge, you know, in the

bedroom, and there's this, like, problem with the sex life. But

it's not the sex life. It's like, making love is an everyday

thing, whether you have sex or not. It's the way you wake up,

is how you cuddle in the morning, is the message you send

each other throughout the day, is the level of presence you

have so you don't have any of that stuff. And then you come to

the weekend, and then how do you turn the thing on when you have

nothing throughout the whole week, like it's like you can't

it's like you're rusty, like you go from nothing to something.

But if you've had that foreplay, energetically, physical,

emotional, then that coming together is powerful. So I think

for both men and women to cultivate, what is your deepest

gift in the relationship, and how you can you extend it? And

also, how can you call a man out into his best self, you notice

the guy is not being be curious, but also say, hey, I really

prefer when you are this way. I really miss that in you not

You're not complaining, you're just asking for something. I

think it's cool for men need to men need boundaries, like

sometimes you will do a lot more to not lose what you love and to

get a little bit more of what you want. So if you are clear

about what you want, you're fierce in your love, but you're

also fierce in your boundaries. That makes a big difference

versus because, again, I connect with lots of women who have

fierce boundaries, but the way they're showing up is like, you

have all these hurdles and all these things. But like, the

energy that you're showing up is like, who wants to step like,

for? What do they want to step up for? I mean, like, show up at

your full self and have high standards. But don't just have

high standards without the energy, because then it's like,

the ticket of entry that's $1,000 for the museum, and no

one's paying because Museum is not interesting enough. You

know,

like the standards that are walls, it feels like,

and then the woman on the opposite side, that's all the

love, but, like, no boundaries, then it ends up being like,

people pleasing and self sacrificing.

Men need to earn what they have. Yeah, you

learn that from an early age. If you don't earn what you have,

you do not value it, be it a car when you're a teenager or a

relationship when you're if it comes too easy, and I'm not

saying, be difficult to play games, be you, and just being

you will make it difficult. Already, it's like, what does it

take for you to go out with someone? Right? I'll talk about

this. Like talk ask the question, what are you looking

for in a relationship? Like, before you go on the first date,

if they can't answer that, then it's like, going to buy a home

that's not for sale. You know, waste so much time fall in love

with a house that's not even for rent. Like, what's the purpose

of that? So what? What's your standard for going out with

someone? What's your standard for going on a second date with

someone? What is your standard for. Are touching someone,

kissing someone

having sex. That's important. So many women do

that. Rush that because men want to rush it. And I hear this a

lot, and I know I experienced it a lot too, like the just and

then regretting it later. Yes, that. How do women do that? Have

a couple questions, one about emotions and what about that?

How do women do like, what do we do when a man's like, very

pressurey, but you're like, you know that you not, and I'm not

saying doing it like, Oh, you got to wait three dates. But

actually, in your body, it's a no, you're not there yet. I

mean, for me, I need a lot of emotional intimacy before I'm

going to be physically intimate with someone. And so when you're

dating someone who you like and you feel connected to, but

they're, they're a man, men, typically, you know, want that.

What do you do?

Yeah. I mean, well, you want a guy who attuned

to you, right? I mean, not a guy who just wants to get his thing.

So if a guy just wanted to get his thing, that already is not

great. So you get a chance to ask him for what you want. So

let me take a step back. If you date consciously, then you won't

go on dates with men who don't want what you're looking for

like if you need to have the courage to walk away from

someone who looks incredible right on paper, tall, strong,

billionaire, but also philanthropist and activist, but

also actor and also has a children's home for feats that I

mean, like he has all those things, but he's going to a

different direction, then he's worthless to you, or he's not

interested in you, or he can't respect you, then multiplying by

zero, and that's his value to your life. It doesn't matter who

he is. If he can't step up in a way that's attuned to you, then

he's worthless to you. And I think if you people get that,

they'll feel because they think they're leaving all the table

and like you're not leaving all the table. The train's not

stopping at your station. It's not your train, right? So that's

the first thing. Be clear about what the person that you're

looking for you're dating is looking for. If the person is

saying, I'm also looking for deep intimacy, lifelong

partnership and marriage, then the conversation is so easy.

You're saying you want that, but you're acting this way. There's

a mismatch. Tell me why. Because for me to know that that's the

way, then I need to test the waters. I need to love language.

My love language is sex. Let me nobody say that stupidly, but

the energy of that answer is that then say, Hey, okay,

there's two risks, right? The risk one is that you end up

connecting deeply. You're great friends. There's chemistry, but

the sex is bad. You can work on that. The other risk is that you

have sex too early with someone who's basically horrific for you

get attached to someone who's a abusive, emotionally, sexually,

physically, and you're stuck in that dynamic that you can get

out of energetically. Both risks, one is shitty than the

other one go for the lesser of two shits on that one, right? So

if you connect with someone and you already know that they want

what you want, then the guy is pushy. You're going to give him

a chance. Say, Hey, you're I mean, don't he wants to connect

with you. It's okay, but tell him, hey, it takes me longer to

connect with men in a physical way. I need to have emotional

intimacy. I actually do that. Okay, yeah, good. So how does

that sound? If the guy is like, cool, then he'll either do it or

won't do it if he starts giving you the but why are you so

uptight or tries to worse shame you for it like, I wonder what

happened to you that you're like if he goes in that direction,

you know he's not your guy, so you just exit out. So I think

it's sometimes helpful to be upfront about it, especially if

you sense that you'll sense the energy of someone, right? Even

from the beginning, if he starts with sexual innuendos, you can

call him out lovingly, right? Not like You're a pervert, but

hey, I don't do that until a guy is connected. If the guy values

what you value, he's going to find you far more valuable. He's

going to feel more special, because he's the guy who can

figure out basically what you want and need, versus you can do

that with anyone, but if the guy looks down upon you for having

standards, then, right, yeah, just move on, you know. But move

on with just knowing that there's you're not leaving

anything on the table. You're not leaving gold on the table,

because, but you, but you need to know what your standards are.

And I think, for example, sex, sometimes it's easier. My

recommendation is when there's when there's some exclusivity,

when you know the man, when there's you've vetted the guy,

when you've had an argument with him, and you know how he

responds, where, I mean, when there's all those things, and

he's not having sex with anyone else, and you're not. That's a

beginning. I'm not saying that's the maximum, that's minimum

standard, you know, to do that. But kissing sometimes can be

really intimate as well, you know. So I think you get to

decide if it's, it's a risk starting from herpes. Let's just

go with that basic, you know, really cool, hot guy, and now

you have herpes for the rest of your life. Okay? Was it worth

it? I don't know. So if you can. Ask the question. You know, if

you don't feel enough safety to ask the question, yeah, then

maybe you shouldn't kiss a guy. Just develop more, more,

stronger stance, be the difficult person, not because

you're difficult, but because you you have high standards.

Yeah, and I feel like our standards really are

connected to being attuned to the inner compass, because our

bodies always tell us, every woman I've ever worked with

who's been cheated on or whatever, like, our bodies are

always screaming, no. It's like, wait, but the guy's perfect on

paper, and the body's like, run. But I love the word that you

used, that that he's attuned to you. I think that this is

everything. That's one of the things I appreciated most about

my former boyfriend, who was from Argentina. He was so he was

very closed when we met. And he like slowly, opened, slowly,

slowly, slowly. But he was so once he opened his heart, he was

so attuned to me and and so sensitive to my feelings and

sense that except okay when he was in his survival patterns, he

was not attuned. But when he was in his heart, he most of the

time he was really attuned to me, to what was happening to to

honoring me, and I think that's, I think that it's like such an

essential skill when you're dating and starting new

relationships, is to know who you are, to be rooted in

yourself. Because if you're not, I mean, it's a wild, wild west

out there, you can't like to even know what it feels like to

have a man be attuned

to you, to know what you're feeling like, really

ask the question 30 times a day, if you need to, like, what am I

feeling right now? What am I feeling right now? Like, once

you understand that, then I was sharing with you before we

started, like, if you if your thing is, when you're connecting

with someone, I feel weird. Weird is not an emotion. What do

you do with weird? I don't know. But if you feel maybe sad, if

you feel disappointed, then the next question is, what do I want

to do with this? Or is there something he could do right now

to make this better, to repair the interaction? But if you

don't have the actual emotion, then you can't express the need,

because there's no need. There's nothing to base your needs on.

So know what you're feeling and then ask the question, maybe

quickly, what do I want with this? And then make an ask. You

know, hey, that thing you shared right now, that joke, it didn't

feel good. Would you mind question mark? Fill in the

blank? Would it be possible to, would you be willing to, for me

not do that anymore? Or would you, would you please apologize?

What do you want? Right? But if you understand what you what you

need, that next part becomes easy or easier than not.

Yeah, it's like becoming attuned to yourself,

like you want a man who's attuned.

Yeah, you can't be attuned to somebody else. If

you can be attuned with that, it starts with you, right? So if a

man is attuning with you, then he's doing it for himself as

well. If he's not doing it for himself, then he's gonna miss

out on so many cues. But if he's missing some cues because he's

nervous or because he doesn't know you well enough, then be

courageous enough to share. Would you be willing to and then

see what he does? Give him a chance to step up or step down?

I think that's the the best thing I could describe, boundary

or request. Don't assume he can't do it. Ask him and then

see if he can do it,

yeah, and see that his action actions match his

words exactly. Okay, I know it's already 55 minutes and 55

seconds, but I have another question that came up a little

bit earlier, just wondering, so what about so the being curious,

so going back to the husband with the having the bad day or

mad that you're close to having a bad day and then being really

shut down from their feelings. What do you suggest a woman do

like so let's say she's she's connected to herself. She feels

good. She had a good day, she and then he comes home, he had a

really stressful day. I mean, I guess all men are different, so

maybe, maybe this is not a generic answer, but what? What

do you say? Like, if, if men typically don't, because I

noticed this, men don't typically want to talk about

their feelings. They tell me, how do you feel? What's going

on? Like, do you want to talk about it? And often women want

to talk about it. But when men don't, where does a woman go

from there to be supportive, I'll

take one step back, which is, if you are

single, that's something that will happen sometimes with men.

But if that's the common thing that happens with them, do not

marry this man. If it's going to be that battle where every time

you want something, you have to find out the star alignment and

say it with the most precious angelic voice, then that's not

the thing. If you are married to such a man and intimacy is

important to you. Figure out a way to get help. Figure out a

way for if he is not going to do it, for both of you to do it, if

both of you can do it because he won't do it, that informs

basically the rest of your life.

You're saying, if he can't talk about how he what

he's

feeling, if he can't talk about the way he

feels, yeah, and he won't get help for himself, okay? And he

can't talk about the way he feels, and he won't get couples

help, then you're either going to white knuckle it for the rest

of your life, right? Or you have a decision to make. So I'm

basically saying At one extreme of this, of this equation is you

might need to, you might sorry, you might need to leave this man

if, if he has no capacity and no willingness and no eagerness to

learn how to do it. Yeah, I'm talking about because of

somebody listening to me right now. And I've been married to

this guy for 20 years, for 20 years, for 20 years, hasn't done

it. He's not willing to get help. Well, you might need to

get out, but in the single scenario where you optimize for

someone who has a capacity for depth, only if he has a capacity

for depth do you go into relationship with him, and then

when you're in relationship with Him, sometimes he can't do it,

then that's a different scenario, because you can say,

hey, I'm feeling, tell them how you're feeling. I'm feeling

scared right now, like be vulnerable enough to say right

now when I see you this way, and I don't know what's happening, I

don't know it's about me or something else. I feel scared, I

feel a little anxious, and I love you, and I really would

love to understand so would you be willing to maybe think about

this and come back a little later or tomorrow and let me

know what's going on. That's a vulnerable ask, and you're

basically seeing how his behavior affects you. And he has

one more reason, other than just I don't want to do it, to do it,

so give him the space. Sometimes men need to figure out for

themselves before they share it. Sometimes women, I found that if

they talk about it as they go, they'll feel good, and by the

end of this whole exploration, they know it. And guys don't

want to make a mistake sometimes, so they will hold off

until they fear that shit out on themselves, on their own, and

then they'll share it. But it's important for you to share that

you would like to know and that it means a lot to you, and why

it means a lot to you, and I think you have a much stronger

chance for that, and then revisit that. Hey, have you had

a chance to think about what was going on, and then, most likely,

he'll share it again. But that the whole caveat of the whole

thing is, don't be in a relationship with someone who's

shut down that way. If you want intimacy, it's like, connect

marrying someone. You're someone who likes to be very physical,

like I, with my partnerships. Want to be very physical, very

connected. If you connect with someone who's like, oh, it's

like, it's too much, then that's going to be suffering for the

entire right? So can, you can say it in certain ways, but if

that's not there, the person's never going to feel happy with

holding hands or kissing in the middle of an aisle at the

grocery store. If that's not the thing for them, that eventually

will be really challenging for certain,

totally and often. I think then we try and change

our partners. And like, I had an emotionally unavailable partner

for seven years, and he he was, like, he would do things for me

as romantic plan trips we go on every date was a surprise,

because he's owns a restaurant, hospitality guy, like, was

really great at that. But then our conversations were, and I'm

a Venus in Gemini, so like words are that's what makes me fall in

love with someone. Words in touch. And so it for years, and

we stayed together for a really long time. I think more more

about helping each other with businesses than anything that

was the purpose of the relationship. But oh, my God,

did I ache for that, and it was just and I think that maybe on

some level, I believed that, okay, this is I did have that

need met by my girlfriend. So I think that's why I was able to

stay so long, because I have so many deep, intimate

relationships with women and a couple gay men, and so I was

able to satiate that part of me, and maybe at the time, tell

myself that, you know, oh, it's not that important. I mean, I

never had the oh, we're going to be together for every story. It

was just in it till it was complete. But, but I think that,

you know now, I mean, now there's no way in hell like

because right after him, my next partner was Argentinian. Is so

emotionally communicated, I got to experience the contrast, and

it was just like, oh, never again. Because that not that

there's anything wrong with my other partner. Like, he is an

amazing man and he's a really good guy, but it's just not who

he is. And I remember having conversations where I was like,

I just need more emotional depth. And he's like, then bring

it. Like, what if that's what you need? Bring it. And I'm

like, I know, but I don't know how with you, like, I bring it

with everyone. But for some reason, I felt like I was

talking to a wall. He would talk, but it was missing

something. And I think how many women, just like, they're just

searching for the relationship that fits on paper and and they

have this ache for something deeper, but they ignore it,

ignore it, ignore and then that ache turns into constipation or

an ulcer or something inside, because they ignore it as if

it's not possible. But I speak from experience now and now I

have it with many men, like it's not just since leaving that

seven year relationship, I've experienced it so many times.

And I mean, right here, right now, it's like there are so many

men. I think this is important too to anchor in for women,

because I think a lot of women just believe there aren't any

men that are emotionally deep and and want to have, you know,

conversations and work through stuff and all of that.

And I think to that, I. Say that it's

understandable, and I and I know why it happens, and I know that

that's not the majority of what they see. But I think there's

something powerful about leaving the bubble that you're in, like

if you're on the app and it's not happening, and it's a

challenging space, and you go from home to work to your

girlfriend's place, where you go have coffee or drinks, then the

venture out into this other spaces, where the thing of the

space is conversations, where you stand a chance to meet

someone who's into conversations, because that's

the only purpose for them showing up in that meetup, or in

that group, or in that association, and venture to be

bold and ask powerful questions. And I think there's something

really interesting I'd say about asking better questions. What do

you do for a living? I'm a lawyer. End of conversation. You

know? What is the most enjoyable thing about what you do today?

That's a better question that allows the person to dig deeper

and share something in the context of sharing something

more vulnerable, looking at you, there's a different vibe that

develops. Right? When you have mediocre conversations with

someone, you look at the person that that's the that's the

anchor, you see the person, and you'll all of a sudden, you feel

like, ugh, right? But if you have a great conversations with

someone as you're feeling good, then that starts, that starts

creating the type of container that and you also get a chance

to build a new identity for yourself. I think each person

has an identity for each partner or each friendship that they

have. You might be far more funny with certain friends and

far more deep with certain friends, and almost like the

friends expect you to be that way, and you show up that way in

part because the identity has been set. So how can you set the

identity for something the way you want from the beginning, so

that when you continue with that person, that's the light they

hold up to you? I think that there's something really

powerful about as we were talking about, knowing what it

is that you want and going out of your comfort zone until you

find it asking better questions, showing up differently, going to

new places, and then tell yourself that the guy's not out

there. But I think there's something powerful about doing

all those things, from the from the possibility of I'm going to

do this as if I've never done it before, and I have a

conversation with a client yesterday, and we started

working maybe a month ago, maybe a month and a half ago, and for

the first time in maybe 10 years, I said when, and she

didn't say when, but it was maybe 10 years somebody stopped

her to say how beautiful she looks, you know, and she's

always been the same way, but there's something about the way

she's showing up right now. So when you show up that way and

you have the better every little thing you do exponentially

raises the possibilities for you if you have more openness, that

raises the bar for you. If you're more radiant, raises the

bar for you. If you dress in a way that you feel confident

about yourself, raises the bar for you. If you go out to spaces

that are new without your girlfriend, so you have to talk

to new people, raise the bar for you. So every little thing you

do builds on the other thing, and then you get a chance to,

one day say, Hey, this is so different from what I imagined

was possible, because you did so many different things. You broke

out of the little box and the little bubble that you're in.

I love it so true. Raising the Bar internally,

raising the bar like and just using it as a great experiment

to who you're being, rather than just, I just feel so passive to

just blame men. No, there's no good men. It's, it's kind of

just a way to hide, right? Those are good men. So I'm just gonna

give up. Throw in the towel. Online dating sucks. Like, all

the good ones are taken. All these stories are just a passive

way to give up, rather than being like, Oh, I'm gonna

actively engage and see, like, what are look in the mirror,

what I'm blaming men for how am I showing up?

Yeah, and that's why the work we do is

important, because you get a chance to share someone Hey, do

it one degree to the right, and then they find the thing, it's

not 180 degrees difference. It's maybe one or two degrees. But

that's the watering to steam. One degrees of difference.

Totally. Yeah, exactly. I feel like this. Okay,

this episode feels so it feels like it's strongly positioning

your dating coaching. Are you taking new clients? Right now,

private clients.

I'm taking new clients. I mean, I open and close, but

right now I'm taking new clients.

So, yeah, yes, you do have a Facebook so if you're

I feel like, what a beautiful journey to go on with you, for a

woman who knows that she's really ready for a relationship

and wants to wants to grow, like to have someone holding the

mirror up when you're on the journey, I remember Andy being

on the journey with you, and to have someone actually reflect

what you're not seeing because there's so many blind spots. And

if we're just doing it out, you're out there experiencing

the same thing over and over again. It's probably because you

have all these blind patterns that you don't know are running

the show. And yes, obviously everything that you talk about

on YouTube is incredibly helpful. So go follow or

subscribe. I guess it's called burn on YouTube and follow him

on Instagram and and, but, but I feel like if you're really ready

and really craving intimacy, or even just craving like growing

from dating and not knowing what. To do, I think, reach out.

So we'll link, we'll we'll link the link to book. Do you have

like a consultation if you go

to Berman does? B, E R n, m, e n, d, e z.com,

bernmandes.com there's a link there too. Okay, figure out if

we can work together.

Perfect. We'll put it below this episode. But so

tell me your final what men want women to know? How do you want

to close out? I mean, we could probably talk forever and ever.

And this is, I just love jamming out with you. It like sparks so

much inside me. It's so it's also so valuable to just like,

hear from men, like, What's going on over there? We project

constantly on you guys, thinking we know, and I don't think we

do. So what else? What else haven't we talked about? What do

you think I say

that majority of men, I include myself in this

category. At times, we have a lot of shame for who we are, how

we do things, what we want. And right now, more than ever,

there's so much confusion around how to show up, how to be. Is it

too much? Is it too little? Are you being not masculine enough?

Are you being too shy? So if you understand that men are just as

challenged as you are and just as scared as you are, even

though we don't show it, then you can see past the superficial

stuff that shows up and and give guys maybe a different chance.

I'm not saying indefinite chances or being someone's

reason for changing, but if you can see past the surface, and

you can see with your heart, then you will have infinite more

opportunities than if you just see, oh, that's what's

happening. He's just not interested in me. No, maybe he's

scared. So if you if you understand that a lot of what we

do is also based on wanting to prove ourselves because we have

to. But underneath that, there's someone really good, then you

might exchange it in a conversation or energetic dance

that is far different than what he's used to. If somebody just

valuing him for what he does, what he brings to the table, if

you can value Him for who He is versus what he does. That's be

the 1% of 1% of women he's ever connected with.

Wow. Value Him for who He is rather than what he

does, which takes a lot of attunement, presence and

curiosity. Yeah, how much do people project on dates? Yeah, I

know. I love it amazing. You are a legend. Thank you, Bern, thank

you so much for everything. I appreciate being here so

amazing. And as always, share this episode with every woman

who you need no needs to learn more about men and what's going

on for them, and spread the words, share the episode, and we

will see you next week. You.