The Independent Woman's Guide to Attracting Love

My invitation to you after you listen to this

episode is, if you identify as an independent woman, start to

unpack and start to notice like where it actually feels like a

guard or like protection, right? Because often women say, I don't

need a man from the place of I've been hurt before, and I can

take care of myself, because when I was seven years old, my

parents weren't there for me, or my house was chaotic, or I was

the oldest of 10 siblings, or whatever the story might be,

there's a reason you develop this independent woman, right?

Or your mom was a feminist, and she was single mom, and you you

modeled after her like there's, there's so many different

stories, so perhaps even go deeper and unpack. Where did I

learn this from?

Hello, my loves. Rona. Pola, Happy Easter. I am coming

in hot and live. No, it's not hot here. Actually, it's much

hotter in in Nairobi. I am in Athens, Greece. I'm back in

Athena. Feels great to be back, and we are just about to come

upon our Easter. When I'm recording this, you haven't had

your Easter yet, either, assuming you celebrate Easter,

but I know that. I'm not sure if any other I know Greek Orthodox

Easter is always different than the traditional Easter for the

rest of everyone else. So you would have had a long weekend,

most likely, and if not, perhaps you have one coming up, if

you're where I am, or maybe you don't have a holiday at all

because you're an entrepreneur and you just are living your

best life, making your own calendar. Hopefully you're

taking time off all the time, but happy holidays. I hope you

had a great long weekend, or going to have a great long

weekend. I'm heading to, I'm heading for a really cool,

spontaneous Easter. Just came up with my dear friend Gigi, who is

a travel writer, and she gets to go to these amazing hotels in

different places all over the world. I've been invited to many

cool places lately, but I said yes to the the one that's

happening this week, because we're going to have a cool Greek

Easter experience on the island of Santorini, which neither of

us are a real big fan of, because it's a very, very

touristic Island, and there's hundreds of Greek islands. So

Santorini is the one that I would Mykonos, and Santorini are

the ones I'd recommend the least

in most of the year. But actually, this is the best time

to go to Santorini, because it is incredibly beautiful volcanic

island, and a lot of the villages are built on top of the

island, which is what makes Santorini so breathtaking. It's

like a big, giant volcano mountain with all of these

beautiful villas and beautiful hotels and beautiful bars and

shops coming off the top of the island. So the the sunsets are

spectacular, and it really is a beautiful place. Actually looked

in my photo album this morning to see when was last time I went

to Santorini, and it was 2018 after one of the immersions that

was in used to be in Mykonos, so santrini, at this time of year

is mostly Greek people, not a lot of tourists yet, because

it's very early in the season. And they have on Easter, Good

Friday. I think they call it something else here. They call

it Big Friday. Actually, someone told me that in Greek, but they

call it Big Friday. So big Friday,

there is a lantern festival in Santorini, so there's all these

lanterns lit up.

Check out my Instagram if you don't already follow me. Kate

Harlow, the unscripted woman, but I'm very excited to go have

this experience with my dear sister, Gigi. And then I'm back

in Athens for a couple days, and then I head to Corfu for the

next immersion, which is very exciting. I love the immersion.

It's my favorite time of year. Such a beautiful, extraordinary,

life changing, wild week.

And there's women flying in from all over, mostly North America,

but also we've got Canada, we've got the States, we've got

Germany, so all over the world, I suppose. And I'm Ken from

Kenya,

and we're all gathering together for a week to have a week of

unlocking and unleashing all those repressed parts. So I'm

getting very excited for that experience. If you're curious

about the immersion, if you feel a little nudge every time I talk

about it, which is usually what happens, reach out to me,

because we'll start the wait list for next year, which will

be around this time, end of April next year. So yeah, that's

my update. Excited to go to Santorini and experience another

Greek island that I haven't been to in a long time, and some

Another Easter tradition. My very first Easter in Greece, I

got bit in the face by a dog and ended up in the hospital having

plastic surgery on my face, which those of you who know me

know I'm very against, but it was more it was like

reconstructive surgery, because the doctor was concerned about

my tear duct and my cheek function, so I had miraculous

healing. I've actually talked about it a lot. Whenever that

was I think it was two.

1022,

and Easter. So if you go back to the episodes back then, I talked

about it a lot, because it was such a profound experience of

deep healing. For me, it was still kind of covid times no one

could come in the hospital with me, and I did all these somatic

love practices on my body while I was having the surgery, before

and after, and it the the scar is miraculous. People see me and

they're like, how did that? Like, you can't even tell at

all. It's pretty, pretty incredible. So I did have a

really good plastic surgeon. He assured me. He said, Baby,

people fly from all over the world to get their eyelids done

with me. You're in the best hands you could be in. You're

gonna be sexier than ever after this, and I was like, okay,

don't do my eyelids while you're in there. He was so fun. But

anyways, it was, it was profound. So it's amazing what

what we you know, I feel like, okay, this is like, such a

random sidebar, and really doesn't have anything to do this

episode, but maybe it does, I don't know. Well, I'm sure it'll

tie together. But I was just thinking about how we're really

taught to be so disempowered around our healing and give all

our power to the doctors, and whatever they say is what goes

I've been listening to a lot of Joe Dispenza lately, and just

about neuroscience and neuroplasticity and our ability

to actually hypnotize ourselves and essentially create a whole

new way of being, which is really What the expanded love

method and the work I do with women is, is it doesn't matter

who you think you are. You can be anything, and yet we are

addicted to the patterns and the thoughts and the beliefs and the

feelings that are associated with who we've been. And so, you

know, coming back to healing, I've had so many experiences

like that where I do something different, like one time I

definitely shared this on a podcast too. One time I was

sick, I just like started to feel the beginning sensations of

having a cold, and everyone else was sick at the time. I think it

was winter last year, I sat in meditation for like, hours and

hours and hours, just sending healing and love frequencies to

my body and I and it and it went away. It like completely went

away. So I just think we have so much more power than we could

ever know. You know, we're almost like superhuman, or we

are superhuman, but we just have been so deeply programmed to

believe that we're not, which keeps us so limited, and we were

actually quite limitless. So anyways, all the women who

independent let well, actually no, before we get to you, before

we get to the independent woman and her guide to attracting

love, I'm really excited to do this episode. It actually came

up in conversation a few times in a week, and I was like, oh, I

need to do an episode around this. But before I get to that,

I also want to celebrate the new truth celebration event. We had

an amazing turnout. As always, every time I do anything, it's

always a bunch of heroines for my community, which I love. It's

so special that we get to gather again and again and and then

they get to inspire other women to stay on the path and keep

going and and then a bunch of new women, and it was so

beautiful to hear everyone's celebrations and transformations

from the new truth and how this you know me just sitting here in

front of my laptop with a video talking to myself. It's such a

weird thing, when you actually think about it, I do feel like

I'm talking to you, but I'm sitting here looking at myself,

it with a microphone,

and zoom Riverside is the platform I use now. So such a

bizarre thing that that I do this every week, and here I've

here we are six years later, five. We're in the sixth year of

the new truth and

it, and I can do it from anywhere in the world. And every

single week, there's an episode for you to listen to. There's

actually, there's this amazing woman. Shout out to you, Ashley

at the new truth event, who heard about the new truth two

days before, from a heroin sister in the reclamation one of

our, one of the super fans of the new truth and the

reclamation community. She's the best shout out to you, Danielle.

But Danielle had was at the gym, and she met this woman, and she

told her about the new truth and they clicked. They had, like,

really amazing connection. And they ended up having their first

coffee date in her living room on Sunday morning, the morning

of the new truth celebration. It was so awesome. So the two of

them are sitting there, and this girl, Ashley, gets on, and she

is so excited, and she's like, I'm new here, but I started two

days ago, but I'm 28 episodes. And she went back to the very

beginning of the new truth, which I know so many of you have

done, which is so cool, and she binge 28 episodes in two days. I

just thought that was the most amazing thing ever. She's so fun

and so,

yeah, just so excited to be here and excited to be landing on

this, this empowering message. So I am so happy you're here and

celebrating this incredible community of women, and if you

weren't able to join us on.

Monday, we missed you, and it was such a special experience.

Maybe we'll do it once a year, gather and meet each other and

greet each other. Eventually, I want to start heroin chapters

all over the world, so any women who are on this path connecting

them to other women who are too, so you can grow into your

heroine together, so you can break free from the old paradigm

together, because as you and I both know it's so much harder to

stay rooted in yourself and in your sovereignty when everyone

else is pulling you another way and when everyone else is going

a different direction, it just it's so much easier when you are

surrounded by other women who are on a similar path. So that's

what's so powerful about the community, and especially, yeah,

inside of the reclamation community and the immersion

community, it's but also here, I mean, we're all listening to

this message and finally, feeling so much relief. I think

that's why women love this podcast so much relief that we

don't have to play small anymore, that we don't have to

give our power away to some fantasy that we're going to be

rescued by a man or by a relationship or by a marriage,

or by, you know, really anything outside of yourself. It is a

place where you get to come and remember who you are and how

powerful you are and be celebrated for all that you are.

So that's what we did on Sunday. It was amazing, and that's my

update for now, just integrating back in Greece, I've been back

for a week, and it's been a little bit rainy the last couple

days, which is really good for Greece.

And, like, cooler, not cold, but cooler. So it looks like summer

weather starts next week, which I'm stoked about and excited to

experience the islands again. I love Greek islands. If you've

been to the Greek islands, you know what I'm saying. There's

like a an absolute frequency on the Greek islands. And even the

coloring, everything's sort of tinted beautiful purpley pinks

and blues, and there's just this, like, dusty, beautiful,

I'm talking about nature, but like the sunrises and sunsets

and skies and sea, everything's just so picturesque here. So

it's a beautiful world. Okay, so let's get into it. So the

independent Woman's Guide to attracting love. Now, caveat,

this is really everyone's guide to attracting love. But today I

want to sit down. I am sitting down. I want to sit down and

have a chat with you about independent women, because I

meet a lot of them. In fact, I'd say the majority, probably 90%

of, the women I work with are that identify very strongly with

that egoic label, and there is a fierceness to them, and there is

although, typically they they're, you know, they over

function for a lot of other people in their lives, and they

still self sacrifice. It's not like they're selfish, going

their own way or anything like that when we meet.

But, yeah, there's this, like, real strong identity to being an

independent woman. And I've heard this this word lately. I'm

a self partnered woman, which I think, Okay, this is a beautiful

idea and notion,

but what I want to talk about with independence is sometimes

not sometimes, maybe all the time, but I get you get to

explore this, the this relative, like, how relative this feels to

you. But in my experience, usually women who identify with

this label, it is a form of protection. So I'm not saying

there's anything wrong with being independent, but I

actually believe the goal is, is somewhere in the middle. So

there's, there's like the codependent, needy one, which

probably even the independent woman has that in her too,

right? The Wounded Little girl that, like

depends on something or someone. And then there's the independent

woman on the other side. And I believe that the place in the

middle is really the sovereign woman. And the sovereign woman

is sitting in home, inside of herself. She is not independent

or guarded. She is soft, she's open, she's clear, she's

truthful, she's powerful, she's connected. She's connected to

her divinity. She's connected to her truth. She follows her

truth. She stands with and for herself. There's this like

clarity to the sovereign woman, and this also simultaneous open

heartedness, the sensuality, the pleasure, the power, the the

you know, centered within herself, self centered, like

really rooted in herself, and her truth doesn't sacrifice,

doesn't over function, says yes from a clear yes. So takes care

of herself. You know, I could go on and on and on and on and on.

It's the heroine, right? That that part of you, it's your self

worth. It's your wholeness.

That is always there, and it's untouchable, no matter how much

trauma you've had in your life, that whole part of you, that

sovereign woman, is always inside. That's you know, every

time you say yes to something, and then your body's screaming,

no, that's your heroine. That's the sovereign woman every time

you say no to something, and your body's aching for yes,

that's your heroine, right? She's got the truth. She it's

doesn't come with a manual, doesn't come with an expert

explanation as to what this truth means and why you have it,

or anything like that. But she's always there ready to lead, and

you just have to learn to let her lead. So to come back to the

independent woman, there is, in my experience, most independent

women that I work with are like, there's this like, oh, I don't

need a man. I don't need a relationship. Okay? So I want

you to be in a place in your life where you don't right?

That's a great thing. However, when most people make that

statement, it's coming from protection. It's coming from I

can do this on my own. I don't need you. Why are you lifting my

bag? No, I got this. I'm fine. And it's like, there's this,

like, pushing against right? There's this guarding. So my

invitation to you after you listen to this episode is, if

you identify as an independent woman, start to unpack and start

to notice like, where it actually feels like a guard or

like protection, right? Because often women say, I don't need a

man from the place of I've been hurt before, and I can take care

of myself. Because when I was seven years old, my parents

weren't there for me, or my house was chaotic, or I was the

oldest of 10 siblings, or whatever the story might be,

there's a reason you develop this independent woman, right?

Or your mom was a feminist, and she was single mom, and you you

modeled after her, like, there's, there's so many

different stories, so perhaps even go deeper and unpack

Where did I learn this from? Like, where, in my life did I

start becoming independent and how old was I because usually,

sometimes we develop it later, but usually it starts in

childhood. Most women I've worked with, they've been

independent since they were, like, six years old. Like, it is

a rival pattern. It is a protection that has been there

for a long time, and they've they, they, they were grew up in

a world

where they couldn't depend on other people, or they'd be

disappointed all the time. So then, of course, that carries

through into adulthood, where they attract situations like the

independent woman pattern, which is the controller is always

going to attract when she does do relationships, the man who's

the opposite of that, so the man who's like, the pleaser, or he's

like, really in his feminine but like, doesn't show up, doesn't

take charge, doesn't, you know, doesn't? It doesn't lead in any

way, the man who kind of behaves like he's your teenage son and

he's playing video games, or he's out of the bar drinking, or

he's, you know, expecting you to make his dentist appointments

like there is. And so usually, the independent woman inside of

a relationship attracts someone who she becomes mum to, right?

Because that's the pattern, right? So either, in my

experience, independent women are either, you know, married or

divorced to a teenage boy, not a real teenage boy, but like, acts

like one, behaves like one, or she's on the other side of the

pendulum and she's like, I don't need a man. I built my love.

Look at my success. Look at my house. Look at my car, look at

my wardrobe. I don't need a man, and she's in that defensive

state, shut down from love, but like deeply underneath, feels

like unworthy of it or something, or feels not good

enough, not lovable. So she walks around with this guard to

not be hurt, right? Just like when you were little, you took

on that role. If you did, you took on that role of

independence, to not feel hurt, right? If your parents didn't

show up for you, but your best friends and your next door

neighbor's parents were amazing, of course you are going to hide

behind, Oh, it's okay. I don't need anyone. I've got this, and

in many cases, you probably had to, you know, I've heard so many

stories of parents that just had insane expectations of their

children, like, Oh, you're responsible for your younger

siblings. Meanwhile, you're a child, and it's actually not

your responsibility, but someone told you it was, or, you know,

there's endless examples like this that happen that cause a

little kid to feel like, okay, I've got to figure this out on

my own, and then I will never have to feel that pain of

underneath, of not being good enough, not being lovable, not

being worthy of love, that like that faulty belief.

That I picked up because nobody knew how to love me, and it's it

actually had nothing to do with you at the time, right? It had

everything to do with your parents, if they were the ones

who passed this on to you, it had everything to do with your

parents survival patterns. This is just their survival patterns.

There was nothing to do with you but the little girl inside would

have internalized your parents survival patterns played a role,

adapted to the role that that she had to play in the family,

to survive, to make it through, to get by, to feel worthy and

good enough and lovable, and then you walk through your whole

life with this guarding on, thinking it's who you are,

right? And of course, there's going to be gifts. With every

pattern comes gifts, right? The pattern hurts you a lot, and it

robs you from experiencing all of who you are. But the gifts of

the independent woman is, typically, she's really creates

a lot of success in her life. Typically, she, you know, maybe

you're really organized, or you're really good at things, or

you're you you figured out how to make a lot of money, or how

to how to, you know, run a business, or how to climb the

corporate ladder, or whatever it might be. Typically, independent

women do well in life, and they do well at all. I would say in

life, they do well at all the human things were taught or

we're supposed to do well at and so this is where, this is how

the pattern plays out, right? And then we walk through the

world either frustrated that we keep attracting men who are like

children, and then you want to give up all together, because

you're like, I don't want a man child already have two children,

like last single one is another child, so you shut down from

love altogether, and because when you're in your pattern,

you're always going to attract the opposite of your pattern,

and, of course, someone else's pattern, right? That's you're

not going to be in a rooted, anchored, loving, growth based,

thriving relationship when the little girl and the pattern is

choosing the relationship, right? Because the Wounded

Little Girl is underneath the controller. The controller is, I

can't like at the core of the controller is, I can't trust

anyone. The independent woman, quote, unquote, which I want to

call the controller woman in the saboteur archetypes, can't trust

anyone, right? So she believes that she has to do everything on

her own. So she does, and she sets it up in such a way that

even when she tries to ask for help or tries to, quote,

unquote, get her needs met in relationship, the therapist will

be like, You need to tell Charles that you like how to

meet your needs, which is ridiculous, because he's never

responsible for your needs to begin with, that someone will

tell you to get this man to show up, and you'll try and change

them and change other people so they show up for you, and then

it's a setup, because you've already chosen a partner who

can't do that because they're in their pattern of under

functioning. So they're going to disappoint you over and over and

over and over again, even if you're going to therapy

together, maybe he'll show up once or twice, but he'll go back

to his pattern, because you can't look to other people to

change so you feel better, right? You have to put 100% of

your focus on shifting the pattern inside of yourself. That

is the only way to set yourself free from attracting that kind

of partner. And obviously fill in the blank if you're if you

attract women, it's same thing, but you're gonna attract the

same kind of pattern if you keep showing up from yours. And the

independent woman is a sneaky one, because, of course, in the

modern world, you know, thanks to wave 12345, of feminism.

Women have not everywhere in the world, but in the Western world.

Women have more rights than ever before. Right our ancestors

fought to have, for us to have rights in the world, which is

amazing, and yet, on that journey of fighting to to get to

where we've gotten, and we had to right. We had to do what we

did, or they had to do what they did to shatter glass ceilings,

right? We had to almost strap on Man suits and throw out the

Divine Feminine parts of ourselves in order to get taken

seriously, in order to get somewhere in the workplace, in

order to be able to vote, in order to have all the rights

that we have. And it's interesting because I often hear

women. It's so wild how much patriarchy is alive and well in

most companies. I hear women so often. My clients that are

working in the corporate world talk about how they always get

comments like, oh, you can't be sensitive in the workplace.

Like, that's why women, you know, aren't good at this kind

of work. Because you can't cry, you can't whatever, like, the

world has forgotten to understand what is woman. And

there's so many sacred parts of ourselves that it breaks my

heart to think of all the independent, quote, unquote,

controller women.

People who have completely thrown the baby out with the

bathwater, and they're so repressed from so much of who

they are because of patriarchy, because we've been shamed for

being sensitive, we've been shamed for being feeling

different every day and being emotional. We've been shamed for

being or we've like been brainwashed to believe we're not

intuitive, right? Like all of the gifts of the feminine, our

sensitivity, our heart, our intuition, our vulnerability,

our emotions, our sensuality, our pleasure, our sensory

experience, our feet, like all of there's so much power to the

feminine, and we need these parts of ourselves, our

creativity, our expression. We need these parts of ourselves,

right? If we're just in the masculine, then we're gonna feel

like robots, because the masculine is the do, part the

action, part the feminine is the be, is the feel. And if you're

not being and feeling and and I don't mean feeling like feeding

the stories of your saboteur and crying in bed for six months

over a breakup. I mean, like dancing with your feelings,

actually expressing your feelings so you get to the

bottom of them, and you come back to that centered place

inside of yourself.

But women have been so we have been so,

so far away from the truth of who we are.

And so if you are an independent woman and you desire to

experience real love, there is okay. I almost said there's some

work you've got to do, but work is not my favorite word, because

I actually don't think it's work. It's more play, like I

think of the work I do at the immersion and with women, it's

fun, like it's not it's the opposite of work. But there,

there needs to be a new level of devotion to getting yourself

open and ready to receive love,

and if you are the hyper independent woman that doesn't

need a man, okay, there's a difference. I don't want you to

need anyone. I personally don't believe anyone is responsible

for your feelings and for your needs. You are responsible for

your feelings and your needs. And yet, when you are home and

plugged into the infinite source of who you are, that sovereign

woman, that wholeness, that soul, self, your heroine, when

you are making choices from that place and living from that

place, you don't need anything from anyone. You don't

literally, you're so sourced. But that doesn't mean you don't

go have amazing connections with your girlfriends and go out

dancing and go to on a holiday, and you do it from a different

place. Right? When you're in the Wounded Little girl in your

saboteur, you're making choices to go on the vacation, to go out

with your friends from insecurity or from wounding,

from fear, right? If I'm going on vacation, because I hate my

life and my vacations, my escape fantasy that I'm going to dream

about for the next three months till I go and then I'm going to

go there and get drunk the whole time, because I don't even know

how to experience pleasure, or how to receive this time off and

not work and be connected to all that I am like, is, like, that's

an escape fantasy you're never going to fully experience. The

vacation like you could if you were, if you were sovereign and

connected to your heart and soul. And it's the same thing

with love. It's like dreaming about love, wanting a boyfriend,

wanting to get that thing. So I feel better, but you will never

actually get to fully satiate in that thing if you're not

satiating in your own soul already. So it's a different

level of experience with everything in your life. Every

single facet of your life will feel different from that place,

from that place. I'm not going on dates when I'm rooted in my

heroine, rooted in my sovereignty, connected to my

soul, my body, my being. And this is a practice. If you're

like, Kate, what the fuck are you talking about? Call me.

Reach out. Let's have a conversation. This is a

practice. You have to you have to learn how to unlock these

parts of yourself and come home to yourself. And it takes time.

It's not something that happens overnight, but it's the most

beautiful thing in the world when it does happen, because

there is this unbelievable place you will reach inside where you

feel so satiated in your own soul and your own energy

frequency. Those of you who've been there, whether it's coming

to the immersion with me and tapping into these parts of

yourself or on your own journey. You know what I'm saying. You

know what I'm talking about. When you're in that place, you

literally don't need anything, but you're not like, I don't

need that thing there, you feel the difference. You don't need

anything, but you're like a fountain that's overflowing. And

when something comes along.

Hmm, you're completely open to it, right? So the independent

woman archetype, typically, is just the controller disguised so

that she puts out this face out to the world. I've been hurt

before, and I don't need a man, because I'm going to project all

my past experiences on every man on planet Earth because I had

five bad ones, or one bad one or 10 bad ones, right? And you only

had bad ones because your patterns were leading so it's

not actually the man's fault, like, and okay, again, I'm

speaking man woman's fill in the blank for yourself. But it's not

his fault, like, if you are still holding your former

partners hostage for the pain that you felt in relationship,

my loves, it's time to do some healing around those stories,

because your former partners were playing the role that they

were hired to play to help you unlock whatever you were meant

to unlock. There was a lesson. There was a gift in that

relationship. There was a Dharma. I've never used that

word before, but I think it's cool. Think it's correct in this

in this context. So there what maybe dharma means purpose.

Actually, I don't know. Anyways, there was a, oh yeah, there was

a purpose. There was a purpose to that relationship, and you

also played a part. So something I would actually suggest right

now would be to look back at your relationship timeline,

write it out. Write out all of your partners, significant

partners, on the timeline of your life, whichever ones felt

really significant. And then you can write out what your pattern

was. You can write out their pattern too, if that's helpful,

but you can see each person's pattern in the relationship. And

then what was the lesson? What was the gift? So maybe you I was

chatting with a client yesterday, and we were talking

about her, one of her past relationships that was super

toxic, how her her lesson and gift in that relationship was

finally walking away, and she was with someone who kept

hooking her back in. Kept hooking her back in, even though

it was so clear she wanted to leave. And then finally, after a

year or two years of doing the dance, she got to her no more,

and she actually finally listened to her compass. That's

the awakening of the Queen, right? The queen is stands with

and for self. So that's the gift of that relationship. If you

just think of every single person in your story is playing

their part, they're all characters in the movie of your

life, and they're not not meant to be there, your mean boss,

your controlling ex husband, your narcissistic it doesn't

matter what label they have, ex husband, your needy best friend,

like it doesn't matter who it is and what role they've played,

you can clean it up by owning your part, seeing what you've

been projecting onto them, because we often hold ourselves

hostage by holding past partners hostage, and pretty much every

independent woman I Know, quote, unquote, has a bad history of

painful ex partners and toxic, quote, unquote relationships,

right? So she's holding on to that story that every man on

planet Earth is a cheater, or every man's an asshole, or every

man's selfish, or every man's a child, man child, and so I'm

never gonna go there again. Isn't that insane? Like there

are 8 billion people on the planet, and you know, you like,

there's so much love that we're here to experience and pleasure

and joy and intimacy and soul connections that we're meant to

experience. And we're gonna let past experiences be projected

onto every single person we meet in the future, like we never get

to experience what's actually happening if we're always

projecting the past onto the present moment, right? How many

moments do you greet? I actually did an episode about this very

recently, about newness in relationship and how important

that is, and in life, it's like, how many moments do you greet

newly? How many moments to allow to be new versus I always hear

women say when they're working with me, like, Oh, I'm not like

that. Oh, I don't like things like that. Oh, I could never do

something like that. And it's like, limit, limit, limit,

limit, limit. Like, how all day long we limit ourselves. All day

long we project the past onto the present moment and on to the

future. So if you're an independent woman who's been

quite shut down from love, do the relationship timeline? What

is your part, right? What were your patterns in that dynamic?

You attracted a teenage boy because you behaved like his

mom? There you go. Match made in heaven. That's what happens. Our

saboteurs attract the perfect match for them so they can play

out the pattern until your soul gets stronger and it takes over.

And then you get that lesson from that relationship. So you

want to look at clean up your projections, look at your part,

and,

yeah.

Like, start to look at wit like, where am I actually in

protection with this term independence, right? Because you

don't want those extremes. When you're in your soul, you're just

present to what life brings. You're not trying to control not

having love, and you're not trying to control having love.

There's no control. You feel the difference if you're, if you're

like, closed to love, that means there's a wall around your

heart. And if you are attached to having love right now, and

I've got to find a husband, and I've got to have kids, and I've

got to, I've got to get that dream that I think I want,

you're, you're in control.

And I've, I will say this till I'm blue in the face, there is a

beautiful life that is meant for your soul that's totally unique

to you, and that will light you up beyond any picket fence, at

any perfect on paper, life that you think you want to have. It

doesn't mean that it's not going to involve getting married,

having kids, if that's what you want, but the life of your soul

will satiate you beyond anything else, and those things might be

a part of it. They might not but when you learn to stop trying to

control life and you actually just greet it and connect with

what's here right now with your heart open and actually fully

experience the life that's meant for you. You're going to forget

about that script. You're going to forget about controlling your

reality, because you're so satiated that you're not buying

into the story or taking the bait, that once I get that

thing, then I'm going to finally feel worthy, then I'll feel

lovable, then I'll feel good enough. You will not your wounds

will come with you. If that is the part of you that is creating

your life, you will never feel any of it. You'll you'll feel

excited and high for a minute, for a day, for a week, for a

month. But it's not, it's not sustainable long term, because

it's coming from protection. It's coming from the pattern,

not from your soul. Your soul is expressed in the here and now.

You cannot. Here's my favorite quote again. How do you know

you're on the path? Well, this the path disappears. That's how

you know you have no idea. I have no idea where I'm living

like I don't even know where I'm going to be in the fall. I don't

know what's coming. How long will I be in Kenya? People keep

asking me, okay, you're done with Greece. Now. How long are

you gonna be in Kenya? Are you moving there forever? I'm like,

What a ridiculous notion. Why would I? Why would I

make decisions for my future self when I haven't met her yet?

I have no idea where I'll be, but I'll be where my heart is

right and my home is inside of me. My love is inside of me. My

beloved is inside me. It's all inside of me. But to the

independent woman who's made that mean you're supposed to be

alone on an island, just with yourself, or just with your

sisters in the I don't need a man club. That's not what we're

talking about here. There is this beautiful place in the

middle, where, when you are rooted in your sovereignty,

you're so open to love, like it doesn't come. You don't throw

the baby out with the bathwater. It's not like, Yeah, I'm an

unscripted woman, which means I'll never like, I'm I'm not

even close to getting married. In fact, since I've been in

Kenya, I'm like, my god, I kind of want a husband to love these

guys. I don't know why the word husband comes up, but it does.

Maybe it's intuition. Maybe it's because they all have, they're

all married with kids there, but it's, it's a funny thing to for

me to even feel because I'm like, Oh, that's weird. A

husband, okay, maybe I'll have a husband. But it doesn't, doesn't

mean I'm gonna say, till death do us part. I'll stay with you

no matter what, like sickness and in health like no as long as

we're growing and evolving. Like, if that is a path that I

ended up taking, it would be a car lease episode six with

Kelsey grant, we talked about this episode six from the very,

very beginning of the podcast. It would be a car lease, right?

It would be, it would be a,

let's see. And if we're doing this wedding and this marriage,

it would be so unique and different, and it would be a,

let's see, right? I'm not even close to that. Most people

think, oh, because I'm the unscripted woman, I never get

married, I'll never have kids, I'll never it doesn't mean that

I'll meet the moment, and if that's something I desire at

some point because I'm in a really juicy, amazing

relationship, and it feels like a beautiful expression of our

love, then I will engage in that. But I'm not going to

promise the future. I'm going to say, let's see, and I will

attract a partner who is on board with that. So the

independence, it's like, where am I actually closed? Right?

Start to look at that those corners, where am I close to

love? Where can I soften? Where am I closed at work? I also,

another thing I see with independent

women is this, like workaholism or this.

Hardening around work, like, Oh, I got I'm going to work. I got

to put on my work self like, and it's like, what? When you are in

your soul and you're in your heroine, you're in the sovereign

woman, you're the same everywhere you go. You do not

have to pretend at work. You do not have to be serious at work.

You don't have to hide parts of yourself at work, if you are

fully expressed and fully relaxed into who you are, and

you bring it to where you work, and it's not welcome, probably

not the right place for you, probably not the right

environment, right? But often the independent woman is like

putting on my mom hat now I'm putting on my work hat. Now I'm

putting on like you, are you? Are you? Are you? Are you? So

where can I soften, you know? And if I look through the lens

of the heroin archetypes, which I teach in the reclamation

program, online program, is the heroin archetypes that will

really soften you are the innocent, is the first one I

would say, and that is you think about the energy of a child,

right? They're present, they're connected. Their hearts are

open. Think about like babies. They flirt with everyone, right?

They're just so curious and looking at the world around them

with curiosity and love and sweetness and playfulness and

presence and vulnerability, they feel fully so that's a really

important archetype to to start to pour your energy into and

activate the innocence. The second one, I would say, is the

sage, because if you're not listening to your Sage, your

Sage is your divinity. Your sage is your connection, your

ability. So that the controller, the core of the controller, the

root of the controller, is, I don't trust life. I don't trust

people. I don't trust my path. I don't trust life's going to lead

me. I don't trust anyone. They don't feel safe in the world. So

that's a wounded part of you that doesn't feel safe in the

world. So in order for you to create that safety, the only way

you can feel safe in the world is if you have it inside of

yourself. So to be able to tend to those younger parts, which we

talk a lot about on the episodes, but also in the

reclamation, be able to tend to those younger parts of yourself,

love them up when they're there, and then come back to that place

of trusting life. And you know, even like start collecting

evidence. What are all the times in my life where I couldn't see

the path but it worked out, or life ended one relationship, or

ended one thing unexpectedly, and it actually led me to

somewhere better start to collect evidence for that,

because there's so much evidence you have in your life that

you're not seeing the saboteur is always going to look through

the lens of fear and that you have to control, and if you

don't control, you're not going to have what you want to have.

But the reality is, it's creating the thing. It's trying

to protect you from, because you will never feel you'll never be

able to feel fully the things that you want. So if you're

constantly just trying to control the outcome and chasing

having those things, then you're not going to receive or

experience any of them you see, because it's the pattern that's

trying to get them, versus when you surrender to life, leading

to trusting, the redirections to trusting. When there's a traffic

jam or you missed an airplane or you something you know

unexpected change the controller is going to want to be like, No,

it's got to go this way, right? The controller's like, I've got

to be married by this age and have kids by that age, and my my

life has to look exactly like this. Oh no. Now all my friends

lives look like that. I've got to be like them, like I've got

to control this and make this happen. And then what happens to

every fucking controller who does that, who creates love from

that place? Every single one of them ends like Elizabeth Gilbert

ends up like Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love, having the

perfect on paper life. I got everything I ever wanted, and

I'm still empty inside, or I'm still miserable, or still don't

feel worthy, or whatever the thing might be, it's not the

answer, right? If you're controlling your reality, it's

not the answer. So start to put some energy into the third

archetype I would say, to focus on is your sensuality, your

sensuous your pleasure, your ability to experience the

deepest corners of your body, your sensory experience, your

your there's a woman we had on the podcast, Jenna laflam calls

it your female animal pleasure her. Get to know her. Get to

know your sensation. Slow down, soften, right? Because these are

all the qualities you need to awaken in order to be receptive

to love. So if you want to attract love, Healthy Love, it's

not going to come from it's not to say you're not going to

attract something, but you won't attract aligned love from

control, right or from hyper independence. Sovereignty is

much more empowering than independence. It's like you are

independent. When you're sovereign, you are like, I'm I'm

very independent, but I'm not walking around like I'm an

independent woman. I need a man like, there's like, and even if

you're not saying that, at least.

Out. Are you believing it? Are you telling anyone that, or,

like, there that is guard, right? I'm like, I trust life.

I'm so excited to experience whatever life has to bring my

way. And you know, some experiences like, I left a seven

year relationship, moved to Greece, and I dated Patricio,

but I also had in between Patricio and I dated for three

months, we broke up and got back together. I dated this

undercover cop, and it was like funny, because everyone told me,

Don't date don't date cops in Greece and don't date undercover

cops. But he was so sweet and he was very handsome. We had this

beautiful energy between us, and it only lasted six weeks, but it

was such a sexy, beautiful, fun experience like that is what's

available to us. Is like, and not from I often experience

independent women, women, when they do let themselves have a

lover, it's like there's some sort of power over power under

dynamic playing out versus like really surrendering and

softening into receiving this experience. So the softening

into the sensuous, the innocent, the sage and these repressed

parts of you will actually open you up to being able to receive

love and receiving love in many forms, not just in a romantic

relationship like you get to receive a life of love when you

have all of those feminine parts awakened and you haven't

disowned them. It's a life of love which is so delicious and

satiating and what every independent woman who's

successful on paper, but like dead inside deeply needs, right?

More pleasure, more joy, more intimacy, more vulnerability,

more softness. God, this is the immersion 101, we frickin crack

all of this open at the immersion. So come join me at

that one day, but being able to receive and you know, part of

this is like, can you turn your flirt on? And if you think about

flirting just like what little kids do, it's just like, it's

just being present and connected and seeing people and being

curious and playful. That's all flirting is. So can you dial up

the flirt a little bit, and not just with hot men, but can you

dial up the flirt with everyone, right? I flirt with everyone. I

call everyone My love and love and like, there's just this,

like, sweet flirtation that I do with everyone. And because of

that, I have this life of love where I'm so loved everywhere

go. It's so cool to come down back to Greece and all the you

know, my my friends that own the little organic grocery store

that I go to here, they freaked out when I came back like I was

a celebrity. And every everyone at the flower shop, at the dry

cleaners, at the coffee shop, because I leave an imprint

everywhere I go. It actually I'll come back and report to

you, because I actually had dinner with two women that I met

that worked at a boutique that I went to in Santorini in 2018

I bought this jacket. It was this beautiful coat. It was

super expensive. It's handmade in Greece, lace and sequins. It

was, like, totally not something I'd normally wear. And I went

back so many times that I became, like, good friends with

these women, because I was taking my time making the

decision. And I was there by myself for four days, and on the

last night, they invited me to take me for dinner, and we

shared a bottle of wine, and we had dinner, and it's so it's so

fun to go back there. I'm hoping that they'll still be there. I

think they owned the boutique, and we had the best night, and

have this photo of us. And I'm like, Oh my God, how cool that

I'm going to go back and let's see. I'll let you know if they

remember me. But usually people do, knock on wood. Usually

people do because my heart's open, because I'm connected and

curious and in that innocent, flirtatious, playful energy,

definitely the independent woman needs more of that, right? The

practice of when you're on an airplane, and you go to lift

your bag to the overhead bin, tap the shoulder of a strong

looking man and say, Excuse me, sir, would you mind lifting my

bag it? I can't tell you, this is like the greatest gift for

men. Men are so confused right now. They have no idea what to

do, because women are independent, and women are like,

you know, I don't need you. I don't need a man. So they're

like, Okay, like, don't, don't offer help, because they'll be

offended. Like, they just don't know what to do with themselves.

But men love to be needed. So the secret sauce is, like, the

sovereign woman doesn't actually need anyone or anything, but

she'll, she's open to all the love and all the support and all

the celebration and all the receiving, right? So you're not

asking him to lift it, because you can't. Okay, some of us

physically can't. I'm not the strongest for some reason. I'm

not very good at lifting my bag overhead. But I also do it

because I experience every time I do it, the man lights up. His

energy changes, and there's like it feels like an honoring of the

masculine.

Like, there you go. You've because they love to take care

of us. Every man I've ever worked with,

okay, I haven't technically worked with men in my business,

but I've helped a lot of men over the years, and 100% of the

time, their number one complaint in relationship is always

Nothing I do is ever enough, and I'm constantly doing trying to

please her, trying to make her happy, trying to bend this way,

trying to bend that way. Part of the problem is she thinks he has

to behave differently so she doesn't feel pain, right? So

she's asking for more, more, more, more, more. Which? Classic

woman is never enough, never enough. And men are like,

trying, trying, trying, till they give up. And they're like,

fuck it. I can't do this anymore. And they find something

shiny and sparkly over there, or they shut down altogether, or

they go play video games, or they check out, right? Because

it's never enough. So if you can, and it's like most women

can't even receive what they are giving, I actually remember that

appreciation, this is a great way to stay in your heart. The

energy of appreciation goes so far with men. So to be able to

really be because it's energy of the heart. Thank you so much for

lifting my bag. It means so much to me. Excuse me, or would you

lift my bag? It means so much to me. Thank you so much. And even

if you have a husband or a partner, thank them for every

little thing they do, even if you're like but that thing was

stupid. He should have done it anyways. That's the controller,

right? He's gonna want to do more if he feels like he's

winning, men love to win. If he feels like he's winning, he's

going to want to do more. But if he feels like he's losing, he's

going to want to quit, right? He'll he'll be challenged at

first. He'll be into it at first, but eventually he'll want

to quit because he feels like he's losing. There's no point,

right? So throw in the towel. So this is where you get to shift

those dynamics. But again, it's not from manipulation or

control. It's from love. It's from sweetness. It's from

presence, from connectedness. It's from like, making life more

interactive and fun. That's like, one of my favorite things

is connecting with strangers. And I just think how often, you

know, in my own hometown, like nobody connects, nobody looks at

each other. In Vancouver like I one time I walked down the

street and they did an experiment, I was like the first

person to make eye contact with me. And my walk to work, it was

like a 45 minute walk. I passed like, I don't know, 90 people

the first person to make eye contact. I'm gonna say good

morning to only one woman that whole walk made eye contact. And

I said, Good morning. And she she looked like she was gonna

fall over. She was like, oh my god, good morning. Tier like she

was so sweet. So like, connect, right? That's living with your

heart, open, appreciation, connection, curiosity, play.

Don't take it so seriously. People need more connection

right now. They need more love, and the more you can live in

these beautiful frequencies of the heart, that independent

woman protection will fall away. And it doesn't mean you're

throwing the baby out with the bath water. The sovereignty is

there. You say no when it's a no, you walk away when it's no

longer working for you. You leave the room when you need to

leave the room, but you do so with love, you do so with care,

with consideration, with honor, but you do so, right? So it's

like, that's sovereignty. I honor self. I'm centered within

myself, but my heart is wide open, and most independent

women's hearts are closed. So this, I mean, there's so much

more to this, and I'd say this is my specialty. Majority of the

women I work with are independent women and closed

hearts. And you know those women who are crushing it at life on

paper, but feeling empty inside, that's who I'm here to help. I

mean, if you're not that also I've doesn't mean I'm not here

to help you, but that independent edge is really where

I soften women, because I'm the opposite, and it's so much more

satiating and rewarding and enjoyable to live a life with

your heart open. Trust me, I've done the I've done the

groundwork, and I have lived with it closed for a while, and

I have lived with you know, men are the worst, like I've gone

through many phases, as we all do, but all of that is

protection and story and projection. So clean up, unpack

your independence. Who did I learn this from? Where is this

protection? How? Where am I trying to protect myself? What

am I trying to protect? Feeling of not being lovable, not being

worthy, like not being safe, like no one has, no one's strong

enough to hold me whatever the stories are underneath in the

beliefs. And then start to look at what are your patterns, you

know, probably controller

and self sacrifice, or, I'm sure,

and then, and then start to unlock those repressed parts,

your sensuality, your innocence, your Sage, you're trusting life,

trusting your divinity the universe, like you are so

supportive beyond what you could ever know and see. And you are

so safe when you follow your own truth in your own heart and you

share all of who you are with the world, that's when you'll

feel the most safe. That's the irony. Your patterns will tell

you you're safe when you close down parts of.

Yourself and withhold love that actually it's quite the

opposite. Safety comes from living with your heart open and

your feet planted, and your ability to use your voice and

stand with and for yourself. So there's a very different place

you can get to within yourself, and then you'll actually be able

to receive and attract love, and you'll be a vibrational match to

it, right? So you don't even have to find it. It will it will

attract to you like a moth, dual flame when you are when you've

unlocked all those parts of you, because that's your magnetism,

baby. Your heart frequency is your magnetism. So reach out to

me if you want to go deeper. I have right now. Actually, I have

two spots for one on one new one on one clients in the next

coming up next month. So if you want one of those spots, or you

want to explore other possibilities, reach out and we

can chat. And as always, share this episode with every woman

you know who needs to hear it, all the independent women out

there who need some softening. And I love you and I'll see you

next week. You.