The 3 Keys to Navigating New Relationships

So your saboteur is going to paint that all over

your new relationship, and they're going to look for

evidence to prove that this new person in front of you is just

the same as all the rest of them, and you know what,

sometimes we end up attracting the same thing. Why? Because we

didn't clean the pipes before we got into the next relationship,

and so guess what, your patterns are going to choose a similar

type of dynamic, right? That's the thing, you're either in

saboteur dynamic relationships or you're in your soul living

fully rooted in your sovereignty, and then you

attract someone else who is too. Doesn't mean your patterns

aren't going to knock on the door, they're going to show up

for sure, and every time they do amazing once you know them

intimately and know what to do with them. Well, now you're

gonna, you're going to grow from your pattern showing up in your

relationship, it's an opportunity to heal all those

past residue from those past relationships. So it's not to

say patterns won't show up, however, you're going to go in

with a clean slate.

Hello, my loves. Welcome to the New Truth Podcast. Kate Harlow

here. It has been a week for me over here in Kenya. Those of you

who signed up for the masterclass and got an email

saying the masterclass has been postponed by a week, going to

tell you why. And those of you who didn't sign up for the

masterclass, now's your chance, because there's a whole new

week, and you get to come absolutely free. We will link

the free link below this episode. We'll also link it in

my Instagram and on my website, The Unscripted Woman. So

definitely join us. But I had a kidney infection, I had a UTI

that I've had many, many, many UTIs. That's not an unfamiliar

experience for me. I guess I was trying to ward it off, I take

something called Dmannose, which helps me ward them off when I

feel them coming on, and it didn't do its job this time, and

it turned into a raging kidney infection, which apparently is -

I keep wanting to say lethal, not lethal, but basically

apparently could be life-threatening if you let it

go on for too long, so I had you know, I spent two days in and

out of the hospital doing ultrasounds. I even had a CT

scan, which is actually the only thing that detected what it was.

So I'm glad I had the CT scan. I spent two days, like, in and out

of the hospital, in the clinic, and tests, and oh my gosh,

poking and prodding, and had a lot of needles. It was sorry for

those of you that are not into medical stuff. I'm not. My face

is scrunched right now. It was really intense, and a Thursday

morning was maybe some of the worst pain I've ever felt in my

life. It was quite wild, and you know, let's see, the lessons

from the experience are this: too shall pass, and you know the

thing that I practiced, just like I practiced with those of

you who've been around for a while, heard this story back

when I moved to Greece, so that would have been, gosh, very

early on in the new truth, it was five years ago, I think,

554, years ago, five, I don't know. Anyways, a long time ago,

I got bit in the face by a dog and had to have plastic surgery

under my eye, and I had a similar experience with this

one, where I noticed my saboteur wanting to make it worse, I

noticed my saboteur wanting to argue with reality, I noticed my

saboteur, even wanting to resist resting, and I'm typically

really good at resting, because I'm a projector. I've become a

professional wrestler, but I had to rest like solid Friday,

Saturday, and Sunday to recover.

It's Monday today, I'm finally starting to feel like myself

again, a whole week since the first, the pain was first there,

and but it's just been interesting to watch my

saboteur, and to watch, you know, like your saboteur,

understanding your saboteur is everything, it does not just

affect your dating life, your marriage, your relationships,

your saboteur is at the helm of your every frickin move in your

life, so you know, I'm 20 years into this journey. My saboteur

is not in charge anymore, and yet it was interesting to watch

her want to make this situation worse, want to be in resistance

to waiting in lines at the hospital, and to having this

test and that test, and wanting to be in resistance to

everything in my practice. I was actually meditating at the

hospital, and when I went in to do the CT scan, which I've never

done before, they're quite weird if you haven't done it before.

You go into this big machine, and I don't know, it's like the,

you know, those things at the airport. I don't like going into

those either, those radio machines, but nonetheless I had

to, and it was actually the thing that uncovered the

infection. So I put my hands on my heart, and I said, Thank you

so much for being open and receptive. Thank you for

protecting me from any, any energy that's not needed. I love

you, you're safe, and I was just talking to my body. Body talking

to the little girl, you know, practicing feeling my feet,

bringing some attention to my soma, to my breath. It's amazing

how simple it actually is to transform our experience. And

yet, when the saboteur is in charge, the saboteur is like the

narrator of your life, you know. You ever watch a movie where

there's a narrator, I mean, I guess it's like Sex and the City

that Carrie Bradshaw's narrating the whole thing. Your saboteurs

like that, except she's narrating a horror story in your

mind most of the time, an abuse story, crazy drama, blaming

everyone, she's blaming you, tearing you down, she's making,

you know, a moment that is potentially scary, way worse, or

a moment that's really heartbreaking, way worse, right?

She's always dramatizing everything, so we think we're

experiencing this moment here, but most of the time we're

actually experiencing this story about this moment, let that sink

in, like that's so true. We think we're experiencing this

moment, but most of the time we're actually experiencing the

story about this moment, and so my one of my most important

practices is letting my, letting my life be my meditation, and

it's not to say this is every moment, right? It's not, but

it's a practice, right? It's a practice. If I am a professional

musician, I'm going to practice every day of my life. I'm not,

and I'm going to do many things that contribute to me being the

world's best musician, whatever type of musician I am. So this

is a lifelong practice, and you can turn everything you do into

a meditation, and the more presence we bring into any

experience, the more, the more we get to actually experience

that moment through the lens of pleasure or even peace, right.

Okay, did I feel pleasure at the hospital? No. I mean, I had

moments of pleasure connecting with different people I met, but

it wasn't pleasurable per se, but it was not as hard as it

would have been. It was.. they also gave me an injection for

pain, so I spent the whole day at the hospital doing many

different tests, and that was Thursday when I was in the worst

pain ever, and they gave me an injection in my butt, which, by

the way, that was worse. Sorry, this is turning into a medical

episode. That was worse, and you know, we all, we all go through

times where we have to go through medical experiences, and

so I think it's such an important conversation,

actually. Just to start off this episode, and it is relevant to

where we're going, always is. But you know that. So, I

thankfully I wasn't in pain. That probably would have been

harder.

However, if I was in pain, I would have been with my pain and

been breathing and been sending love to my pain and talking to

my pain, so that this is somatic experiencing, when you can

actually bring your attention out of the stories of the mind,

which are only pouring gasoline on the fire and making

everything so much worse, but actually just being with the

sensation, the sensational experience, being with the

physical experience, and so thankfully I wasn't in pain, but

my experience that day, or those two days that I was in and out

of doctors and hospitals and Ubers, and I'm like driving all

over Nairobi to go to the specialist that's on the other

side of the city with tons of traffic, and, and so you know,

there were a lot of moving parts, but I was practicing

presence, which means I felt peaceful most of the time,

because I was present, whereas my old self probably would have

been like, "Oh my god, you're in a foreign country, you're gonna

die, like you, whatever. It, it would have come up with some

ridiculous stories to make me feel afraid, and to which is, of

course, just feeding, that's the saboteur, just feeding the

little girl more fear. Here, sweetie, here's some more fear

to make you feel, you know, terrified, which then makes the

thing we're experiencing so much worse. So that's my learning,

that's my reflections from my week, and had so much rest, and

I was listening to this beautiful my playlist yesterday.

I spent most of Saturday and Sunday in my bliss chair, which

is a hanging egg chair in my yard, and there's like 10

million birds here. Oh my god, the butterflies right now are

like out of hand. They are so unbelievably beautiful. There

was a butterfly today that was like bright turquoise with like

black designs on it, it was so beautiful. They're so bright,

there's so many colors, there's little white ones everywhere.

And I was hanging in the bliss chair, watching butterflies. I

had my journal, and I was listening to just meditation

music. And you know, when you, when Spotify, when you finish

your own playlist, it then starts to pull similar. Muzick,

so Spotify, just, or I guess, the universe, the divine DJ took

over, and this beautiful spoken word started to come on. This, I

think, his name's Berg, this man who's a poet and a spoken word

artist, who's British, and he, he lived in the Himalayas for

many years, and is an avid meditator, and just speaks

profound wisdom. And there was something that stuck out that

was so beautiful. I listened back to this track three times,

and then today I've gone down the rabbit hole of listening to

him on YouTube, and it's all to music, so it's all just

meditative music with spoken word. It's so beautiful, but the

quote that stood out to me says we basically, we make life so

complicated, so much more complicated than it needs to be,

and it's actually quite simple. And he said it doesn't take much

to make the deepest part of us really happy. I just felt that

so deeply, and I couldn't agree more. It doesn't take much to

make the deepest part of us really happy, and that deepest

part of us is our soul, right? And that our soul is what we're

here to live from, and when we're living from our soul, it's

way simpler than your Sabbath tool, saboteur will make it, and

we'll talk about that on the weekend. Friday, Saturday,

Sunday is the masterclass, two hours each morning. Oh my gosh,

I highly recommend you get on. It's going to be the best one

I've ever done. I know it, I can feel it in my bones.

It's just the, the evolution of this work, but the fantasy

addict right now is out of control in our world, the

fantasy addict aspect of the saboteur is like everything is a

show, everything's a production, everything's a grandiose, like I

need this next grand amazing thing in order to be happy, I

need this insanely grandiose wedding, I need this insanely

grandiose wardrobe, I need this insanely grandiose kitchen

renovation, whatever it might be, and it's like that part of

us that doesn't feel enough is underneath all of the saboteur

patterns, doesn't feel enough, doesn't feel lovable, doesn't

feel worthy, doesn't belong, and that's what's driving every

single saboteur pattern, and most people are chasing

happiness, and they never get to really fully feel it, you know.

They might pretend to be happy on Instagram, might be happy for

an hour when they're drunk, because they can't feel their

anxiety anymore, and they're, they're like in the moment, you

know. That's why people need substances, because they can't

access their deepest joy and peace and presence, and can and

heart energy, like if you aren't connected to the soul of who you

are, to your essence, to your being, your inner being. If you

aren't, can this is your heroine. If you aren't living

from your heroine, if you aren't living from your inner being, or

at least practicing coming back to her again and again and again

in letting her lead, then you're always going to be living in a

state of lack. Your saboteur is always in a state of lack,

always seeking something that you'll never attain. That's the

sad thing, my loves. I mean, so if you clicked on this episode

because you're navigating a new relationship, your saboteur is

going to be looking for everything from this person, and

the moment something shows up that you don't think is

everything on the checklist, or everything that you expect that

perfect divine conscious love to be, she's going to start blaming

him, or she's going to start trying to take you out, she's

going to start sabotaging it. The reason it's called your

saboteur is because, as an adult, as a child, she was your

safety, she kept you safe, right, learning to shape shift

and adapt to the environment we were in that we had no control

over, that absolutely was safety when you were, when you're a

child, dimming your light was safe, right, but as an adult it

is hurting you, it is sabotaging you from having what you desire,

so circling back to this quote, it doesn't take much to make the

deepest part of us really happy, and yet I think most people

would misinterpret this quote, because most people don't know

the deepest part of them, which is the soul. Most people are

trying to find happiness in the relationship, in the, in the new

job, in the corner office, in the new car, in the new outfit,

in the botox, in the weight loss, and the list goes on and

on and on. We're trying to find happiness, right, even in the

vacation, like I think of all the people who come to Africa,

and you know, I'm just in awe every day in this place, in awe

of Kenyan people. I'm in awe of Africa, and I think of how many

people come here and they're like taking great photos and

taking great selfies, but they're not really experiencing

it, they're not really feeling it. Because they're disconnected

from the soul, they're only living from the conditioned

mind, from the saboteur patterns, and so many people, so

if you've ever felt that way in your life, where you're like, oh

my god, nothing's ever enough, like I remember once I was a

crazy fantasy love addict in my 20s, and I remember once I

attracted this man from Australia, my one of my

boyfriends, Byron - he's such a love, I still adore him, and he

was so in love with me, and he was such a sweet soul, and he

would fly to the moon for me, and he just, he pedestaled me,

which, of course, this fantasy addict wants that, right?

She pedestals other people, and she wants to be pedestaled, and

he pedestaled me, and I remember this moment, or felt this ache

inside, because I was like, "Oh my god, I'm living in Sydney,

Australia, it's so amazing, I have this man who, like,

worships me, and he's so amazing and beautiful, and like, holy

shit, could be the love of my life, quote unquote, and I still

feel this emptiness inside. Can you relate to that? That's

because you're trying to get love externally, you're trying

to source externally, and it's not actually you that's the

little girl in the saboteur, right? The little girl in the

saboteur are trying to tee up the perfect love story, so that

you get that hit right, you think it's going to be a hit

that's going to last for the rest of your life, but it's not,

it'd be like a hit of heroin, not heroin with an e, but heroin

with no e, the drug, right, it's going to be a hit of a good

feeling or ecstasy, it feels, I'm ecstasy feels really good

for a night, and then you feel like you want to die the next

day, right, and it's actually depleting, because extract of

love will never satiate long term, because when it's cut,

when that part of you, you're operating in two parts, and if

that's the part of you that's in charge of your life, the little

girl and the saboteur, you're going to be trying to get things

to fill an empty, bottomless pit that will never be filled from

the external world, no matter how hard you try, and I know

you've heard me talk about this before. So, what this quote, and

this beautiful poet, spoken word artist, is speaking to is the

deepest part of us is I when we tap into that soul place inside,

and maybe you have tapped into it for five minutes or a day,

maybe you have been on an experience that just cracked you

so wide open it could have been an amazing yoga class or dance

class, maybe you were on traveling somewhere in a culture

cracked you open, or an experience you had with a

stranger. There's there's moments in our lives typically

where we touch our souls before having an awakening, before

doing the deeper - I'm not going to say work, but learning and

being guided home, right? Because none of us, if you've

never had a guide, you know, I guide women back home to

themselves, and I think of, like, how intense that journey

is, like, it is, you know, all the heroines listening will

agree it is not a walk in the park, but it is a fucking

life-changing experience to have someone walk you back home to

yourself, and it can't be done alone, right? You can listen to

podcasts 10 million times, you can read a million books, you

can try and do it on your own, but the journey home cannot be

done in a by yourself. In fact, it can't even just be done with

one person, which is why when a woman works with me, even if she

doesn't come to the immersion or come to a live event, even if

we're just in a one on one container, I'm connecting her. I

just started working with an amazing woman from South Africa,

and I've already connected her with a whole bunch of heroines,

so that she's plugged in right away to community, because it's

everything, and not just community, but community who are

devoted to a similar path. So it takes a village, an awakened

village, I'll say, an aligned village. It takes a guide, a

mentor, and many guides and mentors you'll probably have

over your life once you start committing to yourself in this

way, and it also takes a lot of courage to listen and

spaciousness.

I always talk about space, like you cannot know or hear the call

of your soul if you don't sit with yourself and learn how to

be with yourself and learn how to take your attention away from

your mind and the insatiable stories of the mind, and learn

how to really be with your physical, sensory, energetic

body, and the more you learn to be with us, and there's many

ways, meditation is one, and there's many different types of

meditation, right, there's moving meditation, there's so

many breath work, there's so. Many practices, but you'll never

touch that part of your soul and feel that deep, true, true

happiness until you have untethered from your saboteur

leading your life, and you have to know her intimately before

you can untether. So definitely join us this weekend. You can

come totally for free, three days, two hours a day, on Zoom

with an amazing group of women. There will be lots of women

there who've worked with me in the past, who've been in this

community for a long time. There'll be lots of newbies, and

yeah, it's such a beautiful experience. But, and all of this

is, like I said, so relevant to the key to navigating new

relationships, because the more that you are in your soul, the

easier it is. The more you are aware of your saboteur, the

easier it is, right? If you're not aware, if you're not, like,

super, I mean, you want to become, you want to get your

master's degree. I think of, like, how much people spend on

school, and like, invest in in their school, that, that maybe

it helps them in their career, maybe it doesn't, but it's like

you should get your master's degree in your pad, in your own

patterns, in your own relationship with yourself,

because that's at the core of all of your relationships, and

everything you do in your life, right, every time you, you get

afraid to take a risk, and you stop yourself from doing

something you really feel excited to do, or you feel like

nervous to do, but there's a part of you that's deeply

curious. Every time you say no to that part, you reinforce your

saboteur, and that means that part of you is stronger, and

that part of you is leading your life, and most people I would

say are doing their romantic relationships from patterns,

most, which is wild, because most people are in the old

paradigm of love, which is all based on patterns and

codependency, and we'll unpack that today, but the first most

important step, when you're going into a new relationship,

and you know what, it, whether you're in a relationship

already, you're married, I think this is a great thing to do.

Anyways, I would say the first step is to close your past

relationships. I think of how many people walk into a new

environment, a new, a new blank, beautiful blank canvas, and they

have all these paints, and they sit down. Oh, the canvas is

already painted. They're not even present to the canvas.

They're not even allowing themselves to to paint the

canvas one stroke at a time, but the canvas is already painted.

It's done right. We're projecting all of our past stuff

in relationships. I noticed my saboteur does this often, I'll

get into a new relationship, and I'll be like, "Oh my gosh, okay,

this is so much better. He's so much better in these ways to my

last partner, and is like, "Oh, actually, but like, I'm missing

all these things my last partner had. I thought my last partner

sucked, but, but now you know he's actually better in all of

these ways, and we like constantly bring our all that

old stuff into this new relationship. Now, every single

relationship you have ever been in, even the ones you wish never

happened, you wish to forget, you wish to completely erase

from your life. Every single relationship served a purpose.

And I actually have a weekend program that I do, I did in last

November, called Starting Over, for women who are ready to

relinquish their past relationship. It's kind of in

between last week's episode and this week's episode.

It's really when you're just gone through a breakup or

divorce, maybe even the last few years, and you're ready to start

over, but you want to do so in a healthy way. I'll definitely

have that one come up again in the fall, probably September,

end of September, maybe. I'll keep you posted on that, but

knowing how to close your past relationships, which is

something we focused on in the starting over weekend, is so

essential. And so, here's what I'm going to invite you to do.

I'm going to give you an actual practice. This is something so

nice for everyone to do. I think it's so powerful. If you still

have feelings around a past relationship, right? Let's say

they're anger, rage, resentment, blame. First, you got to clean

the pipes. You can't just go into the, I guess that's the

first step of the process, because the second step, you're

not ready for the second step until you, until you clean the

pipes. So I would do a blame resentment vent right now. If

you're holding on to resentment for from someone else's behavior

in the past, holding on to resentment for who they were

being, which has nothing to do with you, right? There was a

lesson in it for you. It was a reflection of something

happening inside of you. It was a, it was an opportunity for

you, but it actually had nothing to do with you. And as long as

you bring that blame into this relationship, wherever you go,

there you are. That's the controller. The controller loves

to hold on to blame. Same, right? So, loves to project, you

know, that that person hurt me, and they've wrecked me, and now

I can't do relationships. I never trust men again, la la la

la. And your saboteur is going to take that story, and she's

going to paint it all over the next one. Okay, now you have to

be the perfect boyfriend and show me men are trustworthy,

because I don't trust men, and I don't trust relationships, and

I'm, and I know I'm in danger. And then your saboteur is going

to constantly look for all the ways in which your, so this is

if you have toxic past relationships, quote unquote,

what are seemingly toxic, and so your saboteur is going to paint

that all over your new relationship, and they're going

to look for evidence to prove that this new person in front of

you is just the same as all the rest of them, and you know what,

sometimes we end up attracting the same thing. Why? Because we

didn't clean the pipes before we got into the next relationship.

And so, guess what? Our patterns, if your saboteur is

dating, your patterns are going to choose a similar type of

dynamic, right? That's a thing you're either in saboteur

dynamic relationships or you're in your soul living fully rooted

in your sovereignty, and then you attract someone else who is

too. Doesn't mean your patterns aren't going to knock on the

door, they're going to show up for sure, and every time they do

amazing once you know them intimately and know what to do

with them. Well, now you're gonna, you're gonna grow from

your pattern showing up in your relationship. It's an

opportunity to heal all those past residue from those past

relationships. So, it's not to say patterns won't show up,

however, you're going to go in with a clean slate. So, I would

light some candles, create a sacred me night, create a put on

some music, like call it your, your closure of past

relationships, or saboteurs gonna tell you you need to go

see people to get closure, bullshit, you don't, that's a

trap, you need to have the closure of the stories that you

are living alive inside of you, that's what needs to be closed,

so I would first do a do event, let your saboteur blame,

project, resent, talk about all the things each partner did

wrong. So I want you to go through all of your past

relationships, okay? The significant ones, if you have

400 choose the big ones, choose the ones you still feel impacted

by, you know, even if it's a fantasy that you want to get

back together with that person one day. I had that with Byron

forever.

Oh my god, I kept dating other people and be like, maybe Byron

and I are getting back together one day. Oh, Byron was the

perfect one. It's like your saboteur is going to keep you so

small, my loves. There are you are evolving, and for you to be

aligned with someone you were aligned with in the past, most

likely from your patterns is highly unlikely, and if it is

something that's meant to happen, it'll happen, but not

with you being in the fantasy story about it. It'll happen

organically on its own, right? You've heard stories of people

dating in college, and then they get together 20 years later,

after they've both been divorced twice and have five kids. These

things do happen, but not when you're trying to control it to

happen, right? That's a fantasy story that, that, that, that

should happen. It's also you, it's also your saboteur stopping

you from opening to actually what you're meant to experience,

to what new experiences you're meant to have. So, do all your

venting of your saboteur, whether it's a fantasy story of,

like, oh, I should be back with this ex, they're so amazing, or

it's the blame, resentment, you just like, let it all out. Okay,

I mean, go, you can write a novel if you want, don't rip it

up or burn it if it ends up being long enough to be a novel,

because that could be valuable one day, but let it all out,

burn it if you wanna, right, rip it up, and then I say burn it,

that's sacred, but obviously mindfully it's summertime, so

make sure you're doing it in a place where you're not gonna

light anything on fire, but burn that baby, and then put some

music on, and move it through your body, move the feeling

right, even if it's fantasy. What's the feeling? The feelings

high excitement, like move that energy. If it's rage, if it's

resentment, if it's blame, move that energy fully, like welcome

it, dance with it, embody it. You know the type of dance

that's contemporary. I remember loving watching contemporary

dances, on so you think you could dance, they would, they

would basically like act out a scene through dancing, and it

would be dramatic, and like, do that, let your body unleash, let

your body express it, let your body fully play it out. Okay,

fully, fully, fully. And then move after the feelings have

alchemized, the feelings have moved, the energy has moved.

Start to tune into how you want the woman you want to be in

relationship. How do you want to feel, not about the

relationship, not about the guy or whoever you're dating, but

the woman you want to be. How do you want to carry yourself? How

do you want to see things? How do you want to. How rooted do

you want to be? How turned on do you want to be? How express,

open hearted, real, connected? Now start to move around the

room as that woman. Bring this into your embodiment practice,

so you're being that woman who has the love. This is an amazing

practice, even if you're in a relationship already. You're

being that woman, you're, you're getting a reference point in

your body for how it feels to be connected to being that woman

inside of a relationship. So, the second, third step, I guess,

because second is the embodiment practice, and then the third

step is sit, sit in meditation, like come back to a place of

neutrality, bring attention to your breath. Bring attention to

the present moment. And then I want you to write a letter of

thanks to that former partner. Thanks for all the gifts. So,

thank you for the getting this is not for them, this is for

you, right? Thank you for the gifts of helping me see what was

mine. I blamed you all these years, but actually I'm seeing

now that I played a part two, and I'm going to the expanded

love masterclass this weekend to learn exactly the part I played,

so I don't bring it into my next relationship, into my new

relationship. So start to write a letter and say thank you, and

see the part that you played, admit to the part you played in

that letter, and also see the gift and the experience.

Right, let's say it was a really toxic relationship with someone

who's super controlling, and you were very passive, and you were

self-sacrificing, and you were a people pleaser and a shape

shifter, and that's how you ended up with that guy, not

because you have a broken picker, but because your

saboteur chose, right, is the perfect match for your saboteur.

So, let's say that's the dynamic seeing the gift of thank you for

for allowing me to finally find my voice and to finally have the

courage to walk away, or maybe he walked away first and he left

you. Thank you so much for leading me to my awakening, for

leading me to my learning about sovereignty, and learning about

how to heal my heart, and how to not do relationships from my

patterns anymore. Thank you for showing me how big my patterns

are, too. Even though my saboteur told me only you had

the patterns, that you were the bad guy, and I was the good guy,

but thank you for me, see, and thank you for showing me that

there is no good and bad guy, it's just a bunch of little kids

that are wounded, protecting their pattern, protecting

themselves with patterns, because they don't know how to

date from their soul, they don't know how to date from their

sovereignty, so thank you so much, and so a letter of

declaration of, like, what are the gifts? What were the

lessons? What did you learn? How did you grow? What is your side

of the street? K, now closing the past, you bless it and set

it free. Pry feel, do everything you need to do, do it for all

your past relationships, so that you're not bringing that energy

into your next relationship. Okay, here's the second step.

Okay, that that one's complete. So, there are three steps within

that step. So, the second step for navigating new relationships

is to stay present. This dating experience, this new

relationship experience is your meditation. This person is your

guru, in not in the traditional sense, and the non-traditional

sense, because their patterns and them, who they're being, is

going to bring up yours, right? In the beginning, you might not

see it, because everyone does the honeymoon eyes in the

beginning of, like, I'm being showing only part of myself, and

being perfect, and I'm only seeing you as perfect, and I'm

projecting on you, and you're projecting on me, and that's the

fantasy addict, which is kind of part and parcel, and so, and

then something will happen that will activate your saboteur and

little girl, and she's gonna run the stories, she's gonna have a

million stories, she's gonna want you to run, she's gonna

want you to blame, she's gonna want you to change them. She's

gonna want you to blame them. She's gonna tell you there's red

flags. She's gonna tell you, you need to run for the hills, you

shut down, you need to shape shift, you need to sacrifice,

you need to.. that list goes on. Okay, it is your job to take

your to go home and look in the mirror, and see what's being

revealed, because your saboteur is going to be in a story about

good and bad, and right and wrong, and blame and attack, and

we got to look for, oh, we don't want to get hurt again. Your

saboteur was hired. Okay, this is, this is actually an

interesting, important thing. Your saboteur was hired by

little you when you were a kid to keep you safe, to protect you

from getting hurt as much as she could. Now, as an adult, she's

still trying to protect you from future pain. Right, it's so

important for you to know you can handle your pain, so you

don't need protection. You never need pre. Protection, if my

protection is there. And how do I know my protection is there?

Notice your body, notice how you feel, notice the stories in your

mind, and where you, how you go crazy when your protection is

there. Do you get jealous? Do you control? Do you try and

force the future? Do you try and figure out where this is going?

Do you try and should I stay or should I go. Do you make

yourself small? Do you shut your feelings down and hide them?

Do you dump your feelings all over the person? Do you make

them responsible for how you're feeling? Notice what happens for

you in your body and in the stories in your mind and in your

behavior when you're activated by this person, because romantic

relationships activate us the most. Why? Because they mimic

our pattern, our parental relational dynamics, and always

they mimic that, and because most people are doing

relationships from the wounded child, right? So the wounded

child is trying to get her needs met that mom and dad didn't give

her when she was little. You don't want your wounded child to

be dating a man or a woman, an adult, you want to be

responsible for the wounded child, so when she's there, you

can tend to her, you can love her, and this is a learnable

thing, you can learn to have these triggers become absolutely

an opportunity to heal that little girl, so that the

sovereign woman's in charge, and she's the one dating right,

she's the one making choices. She's the one saying yes when

it's actually a body yes and no when it's a body no. And she's

not in the future. Your sovereign woman is never in the

future, and every fantasiatic will argue with me, but I have a

plan, and I have to be here by a certain time, by a certain age,

by a certain nope. That's your conditioned self, that's your

conditioned self. Not to say some of those plans might not be

like soul knowings, but when you're in alignment with

yourself and your soul and the sovereign woman, you, you trust

life, you trust where life is taking you far more than you

trust your mind and your the stories of what your life's

supposed to look like you trust that life is going to surprise

you, and that's like the most interesting part of life, is the

surprises, is the unexpected, is the like, wow, I didn't even

know that person existed a month ago, and now I'm like having

this new friendship that's so beautiful and so amazing, we're

going on journeys together, and that did that, like the

surprises are the best part of life, and your soul path, and

the aligned life for you that your soul chose to come into

this lifetime and live out is so beautiful to you, but you don't

get to experience that if you keep believing your mind and

believing you know how the story is gonna go, and where the story

is gonna go. Okay, so this is also connected to this point.

Stay present, your saboteur will want to figure out, is this the

right guy, is this the wrong guy, is this, is this the one,

is this the guy I'm gonna like make babies with? Like, is this

where I'm, is this perfect, is this a perfect man for

everything that I've ever dreamed of, aka everything I've

ever been programmed to believe I'm supposed to want to have?

Your saboteur is going to play both sides, she's going to

confuse this shit out of you, she's going to keep you from

your sovereignty. Stay present. This is a practice, it's a

learnable skill, and it takes time, and it takes guidance, and

mentorship, and support, but it's a learnable still skill.

Stay present, let it organically unfold. Notice how you feel when

your little girl gets activated. You take her away from that guy

or that woman, and you tend to her, you talk to her, you get to

know what she's feeling. You 10, you love her up. You let her

know she's safe. You let her know her safety's not in a

relationship. You let her know she doesn't need to know where

it's going. You let her know that she is safe here and now.

And then, when you're back in the driver's seat, your

sovereign heroine is in the driver's seat. She's just on the

journey. She's like, cool. Let's see, that is like the best

mantra for dating, relationships, marriage, the

whole gamut, and life. The greatest mantra is let's see,

let's see. Oh, even on your wedding day, you're like just

saying, like, I'm so excited to keep exploring this journey with

you. Let's see, let's see how it goes, right?

Rather than like I'm gonna put you in prison, I'm gonna go in

prison, we're gonna stay in this forever, no matter what, even if

we die, even if we die, yeah, even if we die, even if we are

dying, like till death, those who are blah blah blah, even if

we hate each other, like, no matter what, like, that's

basically what the old paradigm codependent relationship model

is. No matter what, we're tied together versus, let's see,

okay, we have children, let's see how this goes, and let's..

the only promise I encourage you to make from from your soul is

that when you choose. Is to co-create with someone that you

at least choose someone you know would be a great parenting

partner, regardless of the relationship, because you do not

know how long that relationship is going to be thriving and

evolving and deepening. You don't know if it's going to keep

growing with you as you evolve and grow. You don't need to

know. Your little girl's going to be like, "Oh, but I want it

to last forever, and your heroine's gonna be like, really,

like, even if it sucks, you want it to last forever, like, your

heroine's like, no, it's gonna last as long as it's supposed to

last, and if I'm meant to have another experience after this

one, I will, and it's gonna be perfect for everyone, including

the kids, if there's kids, as long as I'm choosing someone who

I know would be a great parenting partner, you can't

actually know, obviously. We can just buy intuition, right?

Because if you are having children with someone that is

getting a tattoo on your face, you make the best decision about

this being a parenting partner. Get the fantasy addict out of

there. We'll talk about this on the masterclass. Get the fantasy

addict out of there, because you don't want her choosing your

baby daddy, like the actual, you know, I have this amazing

heroine that I worked with years ago, who was on the podcast,

thinking like 2021 maybe she had a baby, he's now, I think, I

think Coase just turned four, he solo moms by choice, and she was

serial dating. She shares this in the episode, if you want to

look it up. Her name's Melisse Miller, and she was serial

dating, trying to find the baby daddy, trying to find, trying to

control the script, trying to.. and then she got to a place

where it was like, no matter what, I know I meant to be a

mama. So she went on the journey of solo moms by choice, and it

was so interesting to hear even all the reflections of the women

inside of this huge community of women who've chosen to be solo

parents by choice, they all say, "Oh my gosh, I look around at

all my friends who have husbands who are stressed out because

their husbands aren't showing up enough, they're mad all the time

because their husbands suck at being dads, they're this or

that. I'm not saying all men are like that, and like my dad was

like superhuman, amazing dad and partner to my mom when I was

growing up, of course, there are amazing dads out there, and it

was Father's Day yesterday, that's funny, but, but it, her

experience, most women be like, I don't want to do it alone,

that's way harder, but actually her and this whole community's

experiences, there's an element of it's easier because if you're

in a saboteur relationship with the the dad, even if, whether

you're in a marriage or you're divorced, it's like if you're

with someone who doesn't show up, who doesn't, who doesn't

take on the full responsibility of being a parent, that's going

to be harder, because then it feels like you have an extra

kid, this is the controller woman who ends up with a man

that's like a kid, and then you feel like you have, you know,

four children instead of three, and it becomes so much harder,

and then you're always mad and resentful and bitter because

this person isn't showing up, versus totally being a sovereign

parent with a community or village around you, helping, and

then, and then dating freely, and not, not feeling bitter and

resentful, you know?

If you end up in a relationship because it's your child, so

anyways, that's an interesting random sidebar, but phenomenal

episode, and her story is so beautiful, and it's like

everything is possible. But back to the new relationship, back to

the dating. The key to the new relationship is to stay present,

burn your idea of where it's supposed to go, because your

soul's gonna lead you, my love. If this relationship gets to an

expiry date, where even if it's like I think of, I had a time in

Greece where I dated someone for six weeks, it was beautiful, I

loved it, I enjoyed it, he was like a beautiful lover, and we

had amazing energy, and he was so sweet, and I both of us would

light up when we saw each other, and it was this beautiful,

sweet, amazing experience. And at six weeks, right, because my

fantasy addict was not there, I was in the experience, I wasn't

close to the potential of it becoming a relationship, I

wasn't attached to it becoming a relationship, I was present with

the experience, so I actually got to feel it. Right, if you're

in the fantasy addict already in the future, you're missing

everything. So, I, if you're so focused on, like, this is what I

want, this is what I want my life to look like, this is where

it's going, that's the controller fantasy addict. So, I

was in this experience, it was so beautiful, it was so fun, and

at six weeks it felt complete, and I was like, "Thank you so

much for such a beautiful experience. I feel complete. I

think you're amazing, and I'm just grateful we had that time

together. And he was like, "Thank you so much, I think

you're amazing too. And it just wrapped up, and that was it. And

you know, then I was with Patricio for three years, and we

had a beautiful, amazing relationship with a lot of

challenge, a lot of saboteur stuff, and a lot of lessons, a

lot of gifts, lot of learning. I grew so much, I awakened so much

inside of me. Then I started coming to Kenya, expanding my

heart, expanding my beat. Expanding my energy, expanding

my life, and I would come home to Greece, to our apartment. I

would be with my partner, and I would feel smaller. And he

called it before I did. He's like, "You feel so expanded, and

I think you've outgrown me. Like, what? And then we just

started having this conversation. I started really

just sitting with the feeling. I'm like, wow, I do feel really

expansive when I go there, and I feel something is like feeling

contained here. It wasn't Greece, but it was like Athens

being in the city, and, and being in this relationship, it

had run its course. Not all relationships are meant to serve

the same purpose, most of them aren't, but we still live in

this delulu delusion that they're all supposed to serve

one purpose, and they're all supposed to be forever, even if

we're like 70, we're like, okay, forever from now, like we always

think that they just have to keep going and going and going

and going, right? And I think there's two extremes, there's

the extreme of it has to keep going and going and going and

going, and there's the extreme of people who are just like, oh,

gotta leave, gotta leave, gotta leave. What part of you is

leading? Is it your pattern? Because if you're not present,

it's your pattern, it's your saboteur, right? So you find the

sweet spot in the middle, you know, when a relationship is

complete from your heart and soul and body, when you're

practicing making this relationship a meditation, being

in it every day, meeting it new every day, meeting yourself new

every day, taking responsibility for filling your own cup every

day, for looking at your own activations and triggers every

day, right. Being with yourself every day, and you will know

there will come a time where it will just feel complete, and

you'll say, "Thank you so much. This is the new paradigm of

endings, ending with love, it doesn't have to be dramatic and

hateful, that's a pattern thing too. We're going to talk about

breakups at the Masterclass, and what breaking up from each

pattern looks like.

Like everyone does relationships from their saboteurs, I'm not

kidding. You look around and you're comparing yourself to all

these people who have relationships, most of them are

doing it from the old paradigm, most of them are codependent in

some way. Most of them are pattern driven, and most of them

are completely disconnected from their own sovereignty, their own

being, their own heart and soul, and having a relationship from

that place. It's a different animal. Let me tell you, it's a

different animal. If you can sink, if you cannot sink into

this moment that you're having in your relationship, so back to

being present. If you cannot sink into and be in this phase

and enjoy this phase without talking about where it's going,

without talking about what's next, without talking about the

next commitment, the next thing, the next thing, that is a

fucking fantasy. The checklist of all the things, if you are on

the timeline, you are not present in the moment, you're

not in your heroine, you are not in your sovereignty, and your

soul basking in this experience, because if you're basking in

this experience, that it no longer feels good, your soul be

like, "Thank you so much, this feels complete. So, if you

cannot sink, truly sink into this moment, you won't be ready

for the next moment. You won't receive the next moment, because

you're not receiving this one. Your saboteur is gonna be like,

now we need a commitment. Now we need an I love you, but we gotta

move in now. Oh, we gotta get engaged. Okay, get married. Got

it. Check, check, check, check, check. Got to get that thing.

You'll never experience any of the moments. Like, it's crazy to

me, how many people miss the phases. It's not crazy, might

not be the right word, because I see tragic, because it's not

their fault. We've been fed a fantasy story around love, and

nobody knows how to do relationships from the new

paradigm, and from their soul. Most people don't, not nobody,

but most people don't. So it makes sense that we are if we're

not connected to the moment and we don't know how to be here now

and bask in this experience and let it be like in the famous

words of the Beatles, let it be if we don't know how to let it

be, and let's see, let it surprise us, let's see where

this goes. Let's let life show us where it's supposed to go.

Let's stop trying to figure it out. Then we're not going to be

able to experience the next moment either. You're just going

to be chasing the next thing, next thing, next thing, next

thing, next thing, and not going to experience true fulfillment,

satiation, joy, right? It doesn't take much to make the

deepest parts of us really happy, but if you're not home in

your body and your soul listening and having

spaciousness to feel that sensation, that all he's talking

about is this sensation inside. It's not all these grandiose

things that we think we need to feel that way. Those things are

empty. Do what? Why do you think billionaires are some of that

most unhappy people in the world, because they have

everything and they feel nothing, because they're so

disassociated from their soul. Not all, of course, but a lot.

Most, there's documentaries about it. It's wild. Those

things aren't going to make you happy. And that Jim Carrey

quotes coming up now. You know, I wish everybody could. Be rich

and famous to realize that that that's not the answer, like most

people that are rich and famous are miserable and anxious and on

antidepressants and on other drugs and trying to chase

pleasure and never feeling anything, and they're all like

hanging by a thread, right? But it's actually quite simple. I

think of me in the bliss chair yesterday with the butterflies,

I was like bliss listening to this guy who said that quote, I

felt that deep satiation, and I feel that so often in my life.

And when you're connected to that part of you, that satiation

is inside of you with nothing, you don't need anything.

You can be sitting on a mountain and feel that, you could be just

sitting in, you could be doing nothing and feel that that that

place inside of you is always there waiting for you, but if

you don't have a relationship with it and you don't know how

to access it, your saboteur and little girl gonna be chasing

everything to try and give you another hit and another hit and

another hit, so your saboteur, the thing is, when you get that

thing, it will no longer be the thing she'll want, the next

thing she'll get, the thing she gets, the engagement, and then

it's not enough, she gets the I love you, it's not enough, oh,

show me, you love me more, I need to know more, I need to

know more, I need to know more, I need to show more, she's

insatiable, that girl, so sink into this moment, learn how to

be here now, spirituality one on one, but man, become take your

relationship and turn it into a meditation. It is a moving

prayer. It is a living prayer. It's a meditation. It's a place

for you to come back to. How present am I in this experience

right now, or am I sabotaging it by taking it into the future or

comparing it to the past? Okay, and the final key. Oh, okay. The

final key. You know what's funny, I made this title the

number one key, but it's actually the three keys. So, at

the beginning I said number one key, but I'm just correcting

that right now. The three keys. Okay, we're all good. The number

one key is to write a new story, right? And all of the first two

are going to help you closing out the past, staying present in

the moment, letting your new relationship be a moving

meditation. What part of you is leading? Are you tending to the

parts of you? Are you taking responsibility for your

pleasure? Are you outsourcing it? Are you chasing another hit,

another hit, another hit? Saboteur, fantasy addict, are

you in the moment, trusting the universe, trusting life, letting

it organically unfold. Their little girl inside of you and

your saboteur is terrified to trust life, because she's

afraid. If I let go, if I put the oars in the boat, what if I

get stuck? But the truth is, my love, you are on a stream, your

boat is on a stream, and the stream's then gonna carry you,

rather than when the saboteurs in charge, your boat is paddling

the wrong direction upstream. It's fucking exhausting, it's

impossible, and you get nowhere. So it's like super

counterproductive, you're not gonna get anywhere rowing

upstream, but when you put your oars in the boat, and you trust

life's vision and life's direction, and the sparks of

your soul, you only have to lean into listening to the sparks of

your soul. Trust life's direction, that boat will carry

you down that stream, and you will go on a magical adventure.

That's what's available to you. So, do that in your new

relationship. And the third one is to write a new story. Let a

new part of you lead. This is about letting your heroine lead

the relationship. Note, look, getting come to the Saboteur

Masterclass. Join us, it's three days of your life, two hours

each morning. You're going to meet amazing women, you're going

to feel super sparked and inspired. Get to know your

patterns intimately, get to know your patterns intimately, so

that that part of you can't lead the next relationship, so that

she's not in charge anymore, so that you haven't - you have a

name for her, you know her intimately, she's your roommate,

she's always there hanging around, telling you what to do,

but you're no longer listening and believing her, she's no

longer in charge, so that you can actually write a new story

in this relationship, you can create a whole new experience

rather than do the same thing you've always done. The

definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over

again and expect a different result. You get to create a new

experience, but you are the co-creator, you and the

universe, which is the river that's carrying your boat. So

let go of the old paradigm, be in the magic and the mystery of

the organic unfolding.

Enjoy the process, get intimate with your feelings, and know

it's 100% an inside job, and so much more is possible in

relationship, even if the person you're with has never done any

personal growth, like, so much more is possible when it takes

one conscious person in the room to anchor the consciousness of

the relationship, and that gets to be you, because you're here.

So, join me in the masterclass this weekend, Friday, Saturday,

Sunday, the 24th to 20.. wait, no, just kidding, 26th to 28th

26th to 28th Friday, Saturday, Sunday, from eight. Till 10

Pacific each day on Zoom, you have to sign up. Check your

after you sign up, make sure all you check all your spam folders

and junk mail to make sure you get the emails with the Zoom

link, because the Zoom links in there. Also, you want to join

the Expanded Love Masterclass Facebook group, because I'm

going to post. I encourage you to get on live, that's most

important, but I'll post the recording so that you can watch

them again, because it's good to go. Women often love to go

really, really deep and get deeper layers. And I'm going to

give you practices to do at night on the weekend, so you can

reflect. So, even if you're away this weekend, like, do it in the

morning, start your day like that. Tell your friends, like,

"Hey, I'll meet you later, I'm gonna go have some me time and

do the masterclass. It's such an amazing way to completely heal

all your relationships, not just romantic, your colleagues, your

friends, your family relationships, everything.

Knowing your saboteur is the most important thing. So,

expanded love masterclass. See you there. Love you lots. And if

you enjoyed this episode, as always, share it with every

woman you know. Love you.