How to Stop Sabotaging Your Love Life

Women have been in community gathering since the

beginning of time, right. Men are hunters and gatherers,

they're off single focus, doing their thing, and women are

gathering, and they're singing, and they're dancing, and they're

raising children, and they're cooking, and they're telling

stories. Women need women. Okay, so if you don't have a rich,

deep, meaningful sisterhood in your life, it's time to put some

energy and attention there, and on your own heart, because if

you don't have that, and then you are dating, and your

saboteur, your friendships are just saboteur relationships,

where you bond over gossip and drama and victim mentality, and

complaining, and blaming, like those are your friendships,

those are saboteur relationships, but like we, if

that's your life, and you're already empty in that regard,

you are going to be extractive in your relationship with a man,

you are going to have unrealistic expectations of what

he's going to bring into your life, and there is that feeling

of nothing's ever enough. Hello, my loves. Welcome back to the

New Truth Podcast. Kate Harlow here. My last eight hours, or

six hours, or something in Kenya, so I'm just basking in

this beautiful day there. I talked about butterflies last

week. These turquoise butterflies are insane, and I

was leaving my yoga class at a private, amazing yoga class with

my favorite yoga teacher this morning, and as I was walking up

her driveway to get my Uber, her dirt red earth driveway with

magical like jungle trees all over, it's like it feels like

you're in the middle of nowhere, walking down this driveway, and

there are hundreds of butterflies, like the turquoise

ones, all around me, these bright yellow ones, these white

ones. And I hope you come to Kenya one day, if you haven't

already. It is just.. I mean, this world is such a beautiful

place, isn't it wild to think, like, how beautiful this planet

is, and yet how much time most people spend missing it, like

they miss the magic, they miss the beauty, they miss the

exquisiteness, and I think nature is often reminding us and

inviting us back into our hearts, back into the present

moment, back into, you know, the sunset that stops you in your

tracks and takes your breath away. That is nature's

constantly doing that, like, come back, come back to this

present moment. We're the only creatures on planet Earth that

have an ego saboteur mind that keeps us so far away from the

truth of who we are, and that has us missing all of the most

beautiful moments that that are all around, and yeah, so

anyways, just wanted to start there. I'm catching a flight to

Paris this evening. I'll be sleeping on a plane tonight, and

then I head to Paris for the weekend with my dear friend

Laura, going to meet her for the weekend. So excited to spend the

weekend with her and be in Paris, and then I am going to

California on Monday, and will be with my bestie, Mariana, who

you have, if you've been listening to the new truth for a

while, you know her, that I'm going to stay with my other

bestie Leah, who lives in Malibu, and then I'm going to be

doing an expansion heart event with my heroine, some of my

heroines from the community in Ojai, California, and then I'll

head back to Vancouver. I maybe gave you this itinerary already,

so it's not new information, but, but I'm about to head off

on my journey, and thought I would record one little episode

before heading out, and I decided to call it how to stop

sabotaging your love life, and you know, especially post

masterclass. The masterclass was so incredible this time. It was

a Friday, Saturday, Sunday, which is the new format. Used to

be five days, now it's three, and it was two hours each

morning. There were so many new women on there, it was

incredible, and it like I was supposed to do it the weekend

before, so here's another divine orchestration story.

The masterclass was supposed to happen on the, I don't know, the

20-first of June, and then I got a kidney infection, as I shared

on an episode last week or the week before, and I was so sick,

and it got moved to last weekend, and when it, before it

got moved, there was like maybe seven people registered at the

most, and last weekend we had like 45 or 50 women registered

for the masterclass, so it was amazing. It was so powerful. I

love this new format. I'll probably do it once a year in

this new format, but really like the number one key to stop

sabotaging your love life. It's not you sabotaging your love

life, it's your conditioned self, right? Your saboteur is

rooted in fear, and she's a survival pattern that has been

there since you were a child, just waiting to protect you. But

as an adult, she's she's actually robbing you from

experiencing the life that you're meant to experience.

She's robbing. You from truly living because she is always

guarding you and trying to protect your heart for from

future pain, and yet the truth is, when you are rooted in

yourself and you know how to tend to your heart and tend to

those younger parts that are there when you feel pain, you

can handle your pain, so therefore you need no

protection, and that is the truth. Is your heart and your

truth doesn't ever need guards, never. No matter what, your

heart and your truth don't ever need protection. And the reality

is, these protective strategies that kept you safe as a child

actually aren't keeping you safe as an adult, they're keeping you

in self-abuse cycles, they're keeping you blaming, they're

keeping you a victim, they're keeping you stuck in these

mentalities that are actually stopping you from truly living

and stopping you from being empowered and stopping you from

being living fully from your heart and experiencing life in

the, in its most beautiful form, like the butterflies, so you

know that's the first thing I'll say, as always, is like get

intimate with your saboteur, get intimate with the part of you

that, that actually thinks that you're not safe, because there's

a dysregulated nervous system, and a dysregulated little girl

underneath the saboteur that, that is constantly looking for

fear, creating fear, looking for evidence to prove that you're

not worthy, you're not lovable, you're not good enough, and

she's going to constantly create situations that will reinforce

that, so that her job is still relevant, basically, basically,

she's still trying to hold on to her job, so she, she's like

there to keep you believing that you suck and that you're not

lovable and that you're not good enough, because she wants to

keep her job right, and the reality is your saboteur is

always going to be there, but she needs to move positions

because that job is your protector, is actually she is no

longer doing a good job. When she was your protector as a

child, she was amazing, because we, you absolutely needed her

when you didn't have choice, but now you have choice. So, get to

know your saboteur. I have an expanded love, or sab, I don't

know what it's called. It's on my on my Instagram, it's on my

website, but basically it's the saboteur archetypes in a mini

course, I think it's called Discover Your Saboteur. So, you

could do that if you want to understand your saboteur more

deeply. I'm not going to go into the saboteur archetypes today,

but basically it's not you that's sabotaging your love

life, it's your patterns, right? And as long as your patterns are

leading, which most people's are in love and love relationships,

most people's saboteurs are leading, and yet you get to

choose something different. So, today I'm going to talk about

heterosexual relationships. Fill in the blank, and you know you

can. If you're in a relationship with women, that's fine, of

course, I support that.

But today I'm going to talk about men specifically, because

men and women are from different planets, and yet we're still

treating each other like we're from the same planet and I think

that's one of the number one ways and I've been working with

one of my favorite heroines about this in her relationship

and tethering from this dynamic of constantly looking through

the lens of what he's not doing and you know this is what all

women saboteurs do in relationship. The number one

complaint of men is, nothing I ever do is enough. I can't make

her happy. And men saboteurs believe their job is to make a

woman happy. And I believe the reason that men think this,

because it's very consistent. All the men I've ever supported,

or like, got intimate with, in terms of their, not my own

intimacy, I mean, like, emotionally intimate with, to

understand what their struggles are in relationship. It's always

this feeling of nothing I ever do is enough. And men like to

win, men want to feel like they're winning, and when they

feel like they're winning, they'll keep playing the game,

they'll keep giving, they'll keep, you know, showering her

with love when they feel like they're winning, but most men

feel like they're losing, because on some subconscious or

conscious level they believe it's their job to make a woman

happy. Now, of course, that's not their job, however, because

men are so different from women in relationships, it's they are

very simple, right? They're very simple, they're singular

focused. We're dreaming about the relationship all day long

and wondering why he hasn't texted. Meanwhile, he's at work

and he's not thinking about you because he's working like

they're single focused. Not to say you don't pop into his mind

from time to time, but how men are in relationship and how

women are is so different. So, when we can learn to actually

appreciate our differences, right? The reason we're

attracted to men in the first place, if you're attracted to

men, again, this episode's going to be heavily heterosexual,

because that it's really about the differences between men and

women. If you are deeply attracted. Men, and that's who

you're choosing to partner with. Stop trying to make a man be a

woman, right? Most women are looking, oh, he's my confidant

and my best friend and the love of my life and the one and my

spiritual guru and my this and the conscious king and la la la.

It's like we're looking for them to be a one stop shop that's a

saboteur, that's the fantasy addict, and that's programmed.

It's programmed. You've been programmed to believe your man's

gonna be a one stop shop, and he's gonna give you everything

that you need, and you never need to look elsewhere again.

When you get the right one, you never need to look elsewhere

again, because he's a one stop shop. That is bullshit. Okay,

that's bullshit. First of all, that is so unfair, right? Can

you imagine, like, the flip side of that, the man being like,

'You're my everything, you're gonna make me feel confident

about myself, you're gonna make me love myself, you're gonna

make me my life get better, you're gonna provide, you're

gonna make money and pay for everything, you're also gonna

love the shit out of me every day. Like, how much pressure is

that on one person, for one? But for two, men cannot give women

what they need. Women are starving for deep intimacy, and

the place we actually need to start looking is with women, and

I'm not talking about converting into a lesbian, like that's

obviously a possibility, but, but inside of my community, of

all the women who I work with, the heroines, we call them in

the expanded love community. I mean, they're this, the level of

connection and intimacy they have with each other is like

beyond.

And there, there's this feeling I keep hearing again and again,

like, wow, I was starving for intimacy before, and I kept

looking to my partner to get it, and I kept trying to get it from

him, get it from him, and it was like I get these little like

bits of it, but it was never enough, and I was chasing more,

chasing more, chasing more, and meanwhile he's going crazy

because he feels like he's losing, he's trying really hard,

he's trying to give her all the things that she's wanting, and

he can't give them to her, you know, and then you know, you

lots of teachings out there like get your needs met in your

relationship, and tell them what you need, and it's like, no,

he's not responsible for your needs, you are. So women have a

deep need for emotional intimacy, deep need for

emotional intimacy and connection. Stop trying to get

that from a man. Now, I'm not saying you cannot get that from

a man, obviously. Take or leave anything I say. I'm speaking

very directly. I'm not saying you cannot have emotional

intimacy with a man. I have had, I've experienced, and you know,

have some men in my life right now. I have extraordinary

emotional intimacy with. It's incredible. I mean, especially

my gay, my gay besties - they're incredibly emotionally intimate.

But even straight men, I have deep emotional intimacy, but

it's not the same as the intimacy I have with women,

because there's an understanding of each other, and there's an

understanding of what we're up against, and where we come from,

and all the layers that we're untethering from to become

aligned within ourselves, so the depth of intimacy you can

experience in relationships with women will far surpass what

you'll experience with men. Now, it's not to say you're not going

to have deep intimacy with men, of course you are. It's going to

be different, but can you start filling your cup through

community? Join my community, that's always available. Send me

a message if you want to know how we can chat about it. Join

my community, join a yoga community, join sound bath

community. Start to follow your heart and soul. Join a choir,

join, go places where women are rooted in themselves, where

women are sovereign, where women are taking risks and doing

things differently. I think of, like, the women I've met in

Kenya. I have a friend who's moving here. I'm so excited. A

new friend we met at Olapangi Farm. She's from Spain, and she

just texted me a few weeks ago and told me she's moving to

Nairobi just to test it out. She loves it here too. And I just

think, like, when I met her, we were just so simpatico, and

she's making, she's making a huge impact in the world. She

has this incredible organization with a woman from Ghana, I

believe, and they have a - it's a nonprofit in Kenya, getting

educating women around their menstrual cycles and getting

them reusable menstrual products in the villages, because they

don't - they can't afford them in the villages in Kenya, and so

they end up missing so much of school because of their periods,

and so she and her friend have created this incredible

nonprofit company, and she's been working in Africa, her, you

know, for many, many years, and she's such a beautiful soul, and

I'm just thinking that's it, like I have an extraordinary

life, therefore I attract extraordinary people, right? I

didn't create, I didn't, you know, just I wasn't just born

with an extraordinary life, right? I was born in North

Vancouver, and I was born with all these limitations and fear

and anxiety and all that. Well, not born with it, I learned it,

but I, in a really small town mentality, like all my friends I

grew up with, got married and had kids at a very young age,

it's like a small.

Town, and I broke free, you know, like that Kelly Clarkson

song, I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, and I

kept following my heart, like from such a young age, 22 was

like first time I moved to Australia, and I followed my

heart here, and I followed my heart there, and I kept taking

courageous steps, and I changed my name, and I did, you know, I

kept doing things that were unconventional, even though

there was a part of me, saboteur, really loud and really

scared to do so, but the more I followed my heart, the more life

led me to other people who follow their hearts too. And I

think of the community I am surrounded by now, and the

amazing women that I keep attracting and keep calling in,

and the the hearts that are open, and the courage they have

and and the unconventional ness of their lives and even if they

have kids it like looks different you know it's it's

it's so amazing because there's not to say there's anything

wrong with the conventional life but it's like who are you inside

of your conventional life what part of you is leading right so

the more you follow your heart as I talk about on every episode

instead of your conditioned mind, your fear-based

conditioned mind, and the more you go against the grain, but

not to rebel against anything, but to actually follow your

truth and your heart, the more you attract naturally women who

are aligned with you. Right, you'll attract men too, but

women need women. Women have been in community gathering

since the beginning of time, right? Men are hunters and

gatherers, they're off single focus, doing their thing, and

women are gathering, and they're singing, and they're dancing,

and they're raising children, and they're cooking, and they're

telling stories. Women need women. Okay, so if you don't

have a rich, deep, meaningful sisterhood in your life, it's

time to put some energy and attention there, and on your own

heart, because if you don't have that, and then you are dating,

and your saboteur, your friendships are just saboteur

relationships, where you bond over gossip and drama and victim

mentality, and complaining, and blaming, like those are your

friendships, those are saboteur relationships, and if you want

to know more about that, we can talk. The masterclass videos are

available for another week, so if you want to, you can still

join. Just reach out to me, and I can get you access. But we, if

that's your life, and you're already empty in that regard,

you are going to be extractive in your relationship with a man.

You are going to have unrealistic expectations of what

he's going to bring into your life, and there is that feeling

of nothing's ever enough, right. And then it's, oh, is he right

for me? Should I stay or should I go? This guy's not right for

me, he's not enough for me, this isn't enough for me. I need

more. I need a man who's more like this, I need a man who's

more like that. So, let's just say your relationships align,

but if you're in your head trying to figure it out, and

there's a part of you that's blaming him, have you taken full

responsibility for your world and the energy that you bring

into this relationship? So, like I was saying earlier, like when,

if you are already in a relationship, or even you're on

a first date with someone, can you get into your heart, connect

with your body, notice your breath, become more present.

Meditating will help you with this, but actually feel

appreciation for this moment and this experience. Okay, when men

feel appreciated, they show up more. But what women tend to do

is be like, hey, you didn't do this thing, and you didn't do

that thing, and you forgot to call me, and why don't.. why,

why don't you tell me how you feel, and what's going on, and

where are you addicted?

And we're out there, not enough, not enough, not enough, not

enough, looking for him, blaming him, looking for why you don't

feel how you did in the beginning, and we're looking for

all the answers in all the wrong places, rather than filling

yourself up, taking responsibility, expanding your

heart, expanding your life expanding your community and

your sisterhood, so you're satiated. And then you show up

in the date, like this was me when I was dating in Greece, I

was so satiated, my heart was so full, I needed nothing. And men

loved me, they loved meeting me because I needed nothing. They

were like, oh my god, you're so different than all the women I

go on dates with, because, like, yeah, I'm just here, I'm

present. I'm not looking for my husband, I'm not looking for a

next date or a text message. I'm just here. I didn't tell them

this, but that's why I felt different, because I was

satiated. My heart was full. I was not trying to extract

something from them, right? And so, when you're, when your heart

is full and you're satiated. That's the place to live from,

inside of your relationship. And if you are not that, and your

pain is there, look in the mirror. Stop blaming your

partner. Look in the mirror. What is my part? Where am I

blaming him for my pain? He is not responsible for your pain.

You are so own your side of the street. What is my pattern?

Okay, he's selfish, narcissist. That's a favorite word in the

modern dating world. Okay, well, then, how did I attract

self-narcissist? Well, I must be a fantasy addict, I must be a

shapeshifter, I must be a self-sacrificer, because that's

the only way I would be a match to someone like that, right? So

owning your side of the street and then learning how to

actually be an appreciation. Appreciation for what you do

have, don't just do this in your relationship, do this in your

life, right? The more you can actually feel the energy of

appreciation and feel the energy, like let's say you're in

a relationship and your partner at, you know, plans a date and

he doesn't normally do that, and even if the date sucks, and it's

not something you want to do, like let's say he's taking you

to a football game, and you don't like sports, to actually

be able to be present and feel into the appreciation for that,

and for the things he is doing, instead of what he's not doing.

Right, women always look to what's what he's not doing. In

the beginning, we pedestal them. In the beginning, we pedestal

them, we're like, oh my god, I've never met someone who makes

me feel more beautiful, more this, or that. Wow, he's the

blah blah blah blah blah. And then later, when we're feeling

bad, because we gave him credit for all of our pleasure, we're

now looking to blame him for our pain. Oh, he doesn't make me

feel like this anymore. He never shows up anymore. The honeymoon

is over, obviously. He now, he doesn't give a shit. Okay. Well,

take a look. When was the last time you appreciated the little

things? When was last time you gave him the energy of

appreciation and love? Like, just like, wow, it means so much

to me. Men love this language. It means so much to me when you

pick me up from the airport or from work. Thank you so much for

doing that. I love it. I feel so, so moved right now. I feel

so touched that you went out of your way and picked me up. I

love you. Thank you. Right, like they, they are wired to win,

right? They're wired to win, and often with women, they feel like

they're losing. Why? Because we're, they're so different from

us. We are aliens to them. Women are far more complex, and it's

not you that's complex, it's your saboteur, because the

saboteur is set up to always look for, like, okay, you're not

enough, you're not lovable and worthy. So I'm gonna, like, I'm

gonna point the finger out there, because I don't feel

enough in here, and I'm not taking responsibility for my

enoughness, for my worth, for my lovability.

I'm looking to men to fill it, so they're never going to be

able to. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, right? It's like

thinking, oh, if I lose 10 pounds, I'll feel better. No,

you won't. You'll lose 10 pounds, then you'll become

obsessed with losing 10 more, or then you'll become obsessed with

the fear of gaining weight. Your fantasy addict, part of your

saboteur, will never be happy. Nothing will ever be enough, and

she'll always be like, you just need the ring, you need the

wedding, you need the kids, you need the picket fence. Oh, then

you'll feel good, then you'll feel safe in your relationship

with that narcissist, then you'll feel happy, then you'll

feel successful in life. But that is your saboteur, and the

wounded little girl are a bottomless pit. She'll never

arrive, she'll never feel enough. It's a self-fulfilling

prophecy. So, if I switch gears and start living from my heart

and soul, and I take responsibility for my life and

my community and my sisterhood and my intimacy, that I am, my

life is filled with emotional intimacy. If I'm deeply desiring

emotional intimacy in a relationship, I better have it

everywhere, because if I don't, I'm going to meet a man, I'm

going to desperately want him to fill that, and I'm going to try

and get him to be emotionally intimate. I'm going to try and

change him, I'm going to try and blame him, I'm going to think

there's some other guy out there. But in my love, until you

are everything you're expecting a man to be, you will not have

the thing that you desire. You won't, you'll never get it. You

might get it for five minutes or for five days, but you'll net,

not five days, I don't think so. But you'll never attract it,

because you're not vibrating in that frequency. And, like I

said, there are men who have an extraordinary emotional

intelligence. I've met many of them, and they're beautiful, but

they're still not women. They're still different from women. We

are netbook, men are from Mars, women are from Venus. We are

absolutely from different planets, and I think this is one

of the biggest, um, miss, miss, um, miss nomads, that one of the

biggest blind spots that people have in relationship is they,

their men want women to be men, and women want men to be women,

and, and then we, you know, I think of, like, men are like,

"Oh, man, women are fucking crazy. It's not women that are

crazy, it's our saboteurs, but our saboteurs are crazy, and

they're constantly like them. It's a setup, the saboteur will

set a man up so he cannot win, and then he'll feel bad, and

he'll change, and he'll get small, or he'll get distant, or

he'll get disassociated, and so, like, the number one value that

men require in relationship is freedom, the masculine, and the

number one value women require in relationship is safety, and

you see how they're actually quite the opposite, like women

are trying to get safety from men, which, as you know from the

New Truth podcast, your safety is not outside of you, but your

saboteur will make you think it is. And men are trying to get

freedom from women, and if a woman doesn't feel safe, a man

will not feel free, because she's trying to get physical

safety, emotional safety, financial safety, all the all

these different types of safety. From him, and the more she's

clinging and needy, and and controlling, and grasping, and

attached to getting the feeling of safety and subconscious, he

will not feel free, and then he'll shut down, he'll

disassociate, he will go somewhere else, grass is

greener. He will, he will fight you. He will try and control

you, because he doesn't feel free. So, in order to make a man

feel safe, two things need to be in place: trust. So, don't be

with someone you don't trust, trusting he's got it, trusting

if he says he's planning a date, he will do it, whether you like

it or not, like just trusting, you know, that trusting his

process, trusting that he loves you. If you're in a

relationship, you know, if your gut is screaming no, then that's

different.

But, but if you're in alignment with yourself, you won't choose

things that are out of alignment with your body and your heart

and your soul. You won't. So get into alignment, trust and

appreciation, the more you can pour appreciation to him, the

more he'll feel like he's winning, and you're happy, and

he feels relaxed. Then, because men, men feel responsible for

women's happiness, because they feel they can't relax if a

woman's constantly demanding on them and trying to get things

from him, or shutting down from him, or trying to control him,

they can't relax, right? Men suck at relationships, women do

too. I mean, no one, you know, nobody was taught how to do

relationship, and we've all been pulled away from the source of

who we are. So, most people suck at relationships, but men are

not relational by nature, their purpose by nature, their purpose

driven by nature, they're action oriented by nature. The feminine

heart energy, emotional, intuitive, embodied. The

feminine woman is the one who leads the relationship, but not

by trying to get the man to give her something he cannot give

her. That's a self-fulfilling prophecy. The feminine woman

leads the relationship by softening and receiving, and

being in her heart, and appreciating, and trusting, and

and expressing from overflow, not from from need, not from

trying to get something by, by showing up, filled up, turned

on, lit up. So, he, this man needs to do nothing. That's

perfect, because then his saboteur patterns aren't going

to kick in if he feels like he needs to do things to make you

feel good. Now you're in a pattern relationship. Now you're

in a wound mate relationship. The only way you have the

aligned heroine sovereign relationship is when you are

full and he doesn't need to do anything, and he gets to enjoy

your being and you get to enjoy his and his guidance and his

intelligence and his whatever it is you're enjoying his humor

right then you get to relax into the connection and that's where

the true intimacy exists between a man and a woman but most women

are so busy trying to control love because a young part of

them underneath feels not worthy of it, and so that part is

sabotaging you from ever receiving it, and she's gonna be

like, "No, it'll be great, Kate. Once I get the perfect man

that's like literally so evolved, and this, that, and the

other, then I won't have to do anything, and I say, "Bullshit,

there is no such thing, and even if you had the most aligned man

on planet earth, that's still not going to be enough for your

saboteur and the little girl. You have to learn to show up for

and with yourself, and this will change who you attract, how you

attract, and how you navigate relationships. So let the man be

a man, and deeply appreciate what he does do. Deeply

appreciate what you do receive from him. And the rest of the

time, fill yourself up with everything else. Go take dance

classes, go, like, you know, join an improv class where you

can laugh your head off, go connect with women in

unconventional ways. Join a women's circle, start a book

club, you know, start to bond with women in a deeper way, so

your heart feels met, so you feel satiated, and you take that

pressure off the relationship. There's so much pressure on a

relationship, and yet nobody's investing in the relationship.

Nobody's tending to the relationship. Nobody's seeking

to understand our differences in how we can make this thing

thrive. Everyone's just like, "Hey, got my relationship, check

that box, now it's good for life. That is bullshit. It is

not set for life. A relationship is a living, breathing thing.

You have to cultivate it. You have to take responsibility for

your side of the street and show up from a different place inside

of yourself. So take your focus off of him, whether you're at

the verge of a breakup or the beginning of a relationship or

anything in between. Take your focus off of him. Stop focusing,

and even if you're single and you're trying to attract the

love of your life. Quote, unquote, stop it. You are the

love of your life. Burn the fucking checklist, as I say

every week.

Get rid of the ideal man that you want in the, in the, in the

what, what you're looking for. Get your attention off of the

external, and all you need to do is to pay attention to your own

inner experience and start to devote yourself to that. How do

I feel internally, and how do I want to feel, whether it's in a

relationship or, um, or you know, just in your life, and

your, and even your job, like, how do I want to feel, and start

to cultivate those feelings in your life, start to cultivate

the pleasure, start to cultivate the love, the intimacy, the joy,

like, if that's how you want to feel, cultivate it, and listen

to those sparks of your soul, and follow them, and, and let

yourself expand into these corners of yourself. It's, it's

you you're chasing, it's you you're craving, it's your own

soul that you're craving, and the saboteurs always going to be

looking for it in all the wrong places, so stop giving him

credit for your pain. Stop giving him credit for your

pleasure. Take full responsibility for all of it.

Learn to tend to those younger parts of you when you're in

pain, and look in the mirror. Okay, if you are a selfless

woman, self less, less of a self, and he is a selfish man,

and he's triggering the shit out of you because he's so selfish,

take it, take a page out of his book, go practice being selfish,

go be in front of the mirror, the most selfish person ever,

because that's your medicine, you have to learn how to be the

opposite pattern to find who you truly are in the middle, which

is self-centered, which is rooted in yourself, which is

full responsibility for you, okay, flip the knot enough. Stop

looking for what he can do more of, even if you're the verge of

a break of a breakup. Stop looking for what he's doing

wrong and start to look at what he is doing and what you do

appreciate about this experience, even if it's the

end, right? Like, how can you be in the energy of appreciation?

This will go so far, life is so beautiful, and there's so much

beauty all around us, and there's gifts, and there's

lessons, and there's awareness, there's so much available to

you, but if you are in blame, and you're in separation

consciousness, me against you, right against wrong, you should,

this should be different, you're in your head, you're robbing

yourself of experiencing the gifts of all relationships,

including breakups, like there is such a gift in all aspects,

all facets of relationship, in dating, in being single, all

phases all have a tremendous gift for you. Are you receiving

the gift? Are you in the story of separation? Are you in the

story of blame? Are you in the story of wishing for this

situation to be different, or thinking there's some other man

out there who's going to rescue you, or is going to give you

everything you need. There's not. It's all inside, my love.

So be the heart you will, you will call forward a completely

different caliber of man and caliber of men in your life when

you're living from the frequency of your heart, but you're rooted

in your sovereignty, you're rooted in your sage, you're

rooted in your truth, you're rooted in your queen. You stand

with and for yourself. Your heart is open, you follow your

heart, you take responsibility for how you feel, and you show

up in all relational dynamics full and rooted. The world

around you will change drastically, so stop letting

your saboteur lead, stop letting your patterns lead, take

responsibility. This is obviously the foundation of

everything I do with women, so if you're ready to take

responsibility and you don't know how, reach out to me. Let's

have a conversation. I can guide you in so many ways, whether

it's with me or another direction, but it's time to take

responsibility, because the only thing that's sabotaging your

love life, it's not all the stories your saboteur will tell

you, like there's no good men left, all the good ones are

taken, la la la.

Oh, I'll find him one day, blah blah blah, the fantasy addict

will feed you all, I'll be happy when she'll field you all the

stories, but the sabotage is an inside job, my loves, and most

people are in relationships from their saboteur because they know

nothing different. Your heart doesn't need protection, your

truth doesn't need protection, but it needs radical, sacred,

radical self responsibility. So, time to come home. You've got

this. As always, share this episode with any woman you know

who needs to hear, have a little boost, and, and hear it, and

send me a message. Let me know how it landed, and I will see

you next week.