How to Navigate Dating After Divorce or a Breakup

If you're dating again after a divorce or

breakup, you're putting yourself out there, maybe you're starting

a new relationship. Understanding your saboteur

intimately is everything. This is the first step. When you're

out there dating, you want to write a new story. Yes, right?

If you, if you're not no longer with your husband or with your

partner, and you're, you're single again, and you're out

there dating, or you're starting a new relationship. Do you want

to have a new experience, or do you want to have the exact same

one you had before? Your saboteur will try and make it

the same as the one before.

Hello, beautiful. Welcome back to the New Truth Podcast. Kate

Harlow here, tuning in from Nairobi, Kenya. I have a couple

more weeks left here in Nairobi, and then I am off to America.

First, I'll stop in Paris for a couple days, meeting a friend

there, and then I will head to California for two weeks, which

is fun. I'm going to see Mariana, my soulmate. As those

of you who know Marianna, she's been on the podcast many times,

and she, she's in California right now, because her mama,

she's kind of spending more quality time with her mama in

Orange County, so I'm going to go visit her for a couple of

weeks, and I'm doing a workshop, weekend workshop for my

beautiful heroine sisters in Ojai at the very end of the

trip, and then I head to Vancouver for five weeks, and

then I will fly from Vancouver to Greece, stop over and visit

my friends in Greece in September, and then back to

Nairobi later in September. So there's my travel schedule. Case

you were wondering, Where in the World is Kate Harlow? There used

to be a TV show, I don't know if it was just in Canada, but it

was, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego, and it was this

like man who was always just somewhere in the world, and he,

there was a big world map, and yeah, he would go on these

adventures, that's all I remember, but now it's where in

the world is Kate Harlow, so I am enjoying my last couple weeks

at the cottage, I have a dear friend here, Brandy. Shout out

to Brandy for those of you, many of you who've worked with me

know Brandy, because she comes to the immersion and all my

events. She's magical, and she's staying with me at the cottage,

so it's really nice to have visitors and to share my magical

space, which now she wants one. She wants a cottage exactly the

same as mine. It's such a cute space, so yeah, feeling

grateful. And what else do I have to share with you? I

usually give you little personal updates at the beginning of each

episode. I, well, the Expanded Love Masterclass is coming up,

and if you are available the 19th, 20th, 20-first of June.

Register, I have now made it free, so it was 20-$2 but now

it's totally free, because my heart was just like, I just want

as many women there as possible, so that you can receive this

information. The understanding your saboteur is essential, and

we're going to talk so much about that today, for

relationships, for work relationships, for your purpose,

for really learning how to create a life that you love, you

must intimately know your saboteur, and every woman I've

ever worked with will agree, I'm sure, share with you how

important it is, because most of us believe our saboteur is our

personality, like that's just who we are. Oh, it's just my

personality. I'm just super overly emotional, or I'm a

perfectionist, or I'm a controller. I'm a.. I just am a

people pleaser, right? We just think these ways of being are

our nature, but they're actually not our nature at all. They're

learned, and so I hope you enjoyed last week's episode with

Jackie Jade. That was such a special conversation with the

woman who I've worked with for a couple of years now, and just

witnessing her completely reclaim herself, her life, meet

new parts of herself, and she is absolutely, in every sense of

the word, a completely different woman to the woman I met three

years ago, and that's the same, is true for every woman who just

did the immersion.

We just did our follow-up, second follow-up immersion call.

We have these integration calls after, and every single one of

them is so different, and now they're most of them are coming

to meet me in Ojai in July. It's so profound to see a woman like

really start to understand. Wait a second, I am not my patterns,

like that is the most important thing for you to know. And

there's so many layers to these patterns that studying them and

understanding them is essential. So, circling back to the

Expanded Love Masterclass, June 19, 20th, 20-first is the dates,

it's from 8am Pacific till 10am Pacific every day, Friday,

Saturday, Sunday, and it is absolutely the most amazing

experience. So this is Expanded Love Masterclass, where I teach

the five saboteur archetypes, and we're going to go through

them today, and you're going to have such a. Deep understanding,

not only for what the pattern is, but also what the gift is.

It's so important to understand what the gift is in the pattern,

because we're not going to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Each pattern has inherently has really important gifts that are

a reflection of your heroine, of your soul. And so this weekend

I'm going to teach you all about the patterns that are different

archetypes that the saboteur plays out, most women have all

of them happening at the same time. It's very common because

we've really been deeply programmed to be all of them as

women. And so each day I'm going to go through two archetypes.

The first day I'm going to do some teaching first, and then

the first archetype, then the next two, then the next two, and

we'll do a Q and A on the on the Sunday at the end, and I'll give

you little assignments each night to do some reflecting on

on understanding yours, but this is like a weekend of true self

love, because true self love, I so many women are trying to do

self love from hating themselves and from being in their saboteur

and in their small self, and it is nearly impossible. I tried to

master this when I was in my saboteur full time, and I really

tried to embody self-love, and I couldn't, because it was my

saboteur that was trying to do it. So, the first step in

breaking free from living life in a way that feels bad, aka you

have anxiety, or you have depression, or you are

constantly questioning everything, or you're constantly

in your head worrying about everything, or you're constantly

disappointed by other people, or you isolate yourself, and you

hide in your apartment, and you don't actually go, you know,

connect with people deeply, or nobody sees who you really are,

or whatever, whatever patterns are playing out for you. This is

the part of you that you need to understand intimately, so that

she doesn't have the power over you anymore. Because when you

learn to build a healthy, loving relationship with this part of

you, but no longer identify with her, she will not be so strong,

and now you have choice. Now you have awareness. First step, then

you have choice, choice to make have new experiences to see

things differently. But if you think your patterns are just who

you are, right, Joe Dispenza says our personality is simply

our personal reality that we developed based on our

conditioning, right, based on the world around us, based on

what every system around us taught us who to be. All the

systems that taught us who to be something other than who we are.

What systems are my talking about? Your family system, your

school system, the media system, the government system, the

pharmaceutical system, the what else, beauty system, beauty

industry, religious systems. Like, there are countless

systems that you were raised in that morphed you and brainwashed

you into believing who you had to be in this lifetime in order

to survive, in order to be safe, in order to get love,

acceptance, approval from society, from people in your

life, and so there is a little girl inside of every single

woman and man, but we're talking to women here, if you're a man,

though, this is for you, that is running the show, and this

system, as at, like, it, it's actually like Chat GPT, okay?

This is like a robot that's just like waiting for you. She's

ready, she's got a story. How many? How many times have you

made up a story immediately just based on someone's facial

expression? Like someone looks at you funny and right away

you're like, oh my god, they're mad at me. It must have been

that thing I said last week and did, and the story gets written

immediately. It's the same as ChatGPT, like you asked ChatGPT

to write an email, even a complex one. I want to say she,

because mine's called Lulu. She does it immediately. It's like,

so fast. Like, how could you possibly write that email so

fast? Your saboteur is the same. Your saboteur will write a story

so fast that you can't even question it. You're like, oh, it

must be true. It's like right here, waiting for me. That is

your saboteur. So, understanding your saboteur intimately is a

game changer, especially if you were dating again. You clicked

on this episode because you're dating. I know a lot of you

listen to every episode, regardless if you're married or

if it's relevant to you or not, but this is relevant to

everyone. If you're dating again after a divorce or breakup,

you're putting yourself out there, maybe you're starting a

new relationship. Understanding your saboteur intimately is

everything. This is the first step. So, I've kind of already

started the episode without realizing it. That's the first

step, right? You have to intimately know your saboteur.

Why? Because when you're out there dating, you want to write

a new story. Yes, right. If you, if you're not no longer with

your husband or with your partner, and you're, you're

single again, and you're out there dating, or you're starting

a new relationship, do you want to have a new experience, or do

you want to have the exact same one you had before? Your

saboteur will try and make it the same as the one before.

Compare, you know, this new person to to past partners, and,

and, and she'll probably be like, oh, I never want what I

had in the past again, until this new person's in front of

you, and then she'll be like, your ex used to do these things,

now this guy's not, there must be something wrong with him, or

like, maybe he's not the right one, because he's not doing all

those things, meanwhile you're in that relationship, not, you

know, disappointed by all the things that guy was and wasn't

doing, and now you know, projecting it onto this future

person. So, the most important thing going into relationship is

that you allow a new relationship to occur, but we

don't do that. What does the saboteur do? The saboteur paints

a new story, pardon me, an old story onto the new person.

Right, as soon as you start dating, your saboteurs

projecting all over that person, projecting what you don't want

them to be based on your last relationship, projecting what

you want them to be, projecting all your wounds, all your hurts.

She's walking in with guards around her heart, because she's

like, 'Hey, I've been hurt in the past before, and I don't

want that to happen again, so I'm going to be like walking on

eggshells here, or I'm going to be looking for red flags, or I'm

going to be on high alert, trying to make sure you're not

that person, right? But what that is, do what you're doing in

that moment is you're actually recreating the same situation,

because you're walking into that date, or this new relationship

with all your baggage, you're wearing like a, you know, 50

kilogram bag on your back, and you're like falling backwards,

exhausted, like dripping with sweat, because you're taking all

your baggage into that next relationship. Now it doesn't

allow anything new to happen. The reality is every new person

we attract into our lives, whether it's short term dating

or long term dating or long term relationship, is we, we are, we

attract people for a reason, right? You attract new people to

have new experiences, and to grow, and to evolve, and to

outgrow these old ways of being, and to step into new ways of

being, even if the relationship doesn't serve the purpose of a

romantic relationship forever and ever, right?

Most people go into relationship thinking that's the only option,

you need to ditch that. If you go into relationship, even with

a preconceived idea of what you're looking for, you are not

present in the moment, you are projecting all over that person,

that is your baggage, right? That is your conditioning, that

is the story. It doesn't mean that you won't find a partner,

someone who's so compatible with you that you grow with and

evolve with and keep deepening with. That's absolutely a

possibility, but you're not going to know till later, right?

But if you go into a date looking for your husband, you

are not in the present moment, you're projecting a fantasy

story onto that person, and you're missing the opportunity

to really be in an experience. Okay, so in order to date for

your hair from your heroine, there has to be a new story, at

which there has to be a blank canvas, right? The only way we

really live from the heroine is when we greet every single

opportunity from a blank canvas. I am new, I'm present, I am in

this experience, I am with this opportunity. I'm just here right

now, and I'm going to learn, and I'm going to notice all of the

times my smaller self shows up and my saboteur shows up and she

paints a fantasy story. Okay, now that's one of the saboteur

archetypes for the masterclass coming up the 19th to the

20-first, 8am till 10am Pacific every morning. You have to join

us in the masterclass and get intimate with your saboteur. The

first archetype is the fantasy addict, right? The fantasy

addict goes on new dates, and she's got a checklist. She is

looking to fill a role, right? She doesn't care about who's in

front of her, like really. Of course, she wants to have the

perfect guy, the perfect fit, the one Prince Charming, mr.

Conscious King, whatever language you're using, your

fantasy addict goes in, and she's already decided, I want to

get married, I want to have 3.5 kids, I want to have a big

event, I want to live in that place, I want to have a happily

ever afterlife, and we're going to have a golden retriever,

right? Your fantasy addicts is already pre-decided. Okay, this

is dangerous, and it's not your fault, because every single

movie we watch our whole dire lives, this is this is part of

the program, right? Just get out there. If you're dating, you're

not dating to have an experience. If you're dating,

you are dating to meet the love of your life, and to get to that

end goal, but I tell you, all the women who just got to that

end goal from that place of trying to fill a role weren't

actually connected to their hearts, weren't actually

connected to trusting the divine orchestration of life, weren't

actually pressing. Listen to what was truly happening, and

then guess where they end up. They end up getting to the next

benchmark, getting to the next benchmark, getting to the next

benchmark, getting to the next benchmark, and then they wake up

one day crying in their closet as Jackie Jade shared last last

episode. If you have not listened to that episode, go

back, it's incredible. She's so vulnerable and shares her

amazing story of re of reactivating and re-sparking her

marriage with her husband, that was over when we met, which is

absolutely also possible when your saboteur is no longer

leading your life, but that she had so many moments crying in

her closet, because it's like we've been taught that all we

need to do as women is to get, get those things, and then we're

going to feel amazing once we get there, right? Once we get to

the destination, then we're going to feel amazing. It is

such a setup, it's such a setup, because the reality is that one

thing ain't going to give you what you're looking for, even if

you have the most amazing human on planet earth that you are so

aligned with, that cannot be the thing, right? And if your

fantasy addict is the one going on dates and she's just trying

to fill the role, you will miss all the moments that your gut is

like this is actually a no, this doesn't feel right, right?

Your saboteur will be like no, but it looks great on paper.

Look at his resume, this guy's like an absolute catch, right?

He's got a perfect resume, so that's an example of the

fantasiatic saboteur on date. She is way in the future, so

concerned about where she's going, and you have been

programmed to put all of your energy there, not just in your

relationships, in every area of your life, that all our energy

and attention goes to the plan, where are we going, right, but

all the people who have the most amazing plan, and they're on

this journey of like checking the boxes and crushing the plan.

Most of them are completely missing what's happening right

here, right now. So that's why you have to learn to date from

your heroine, but when the little girl and your saboteur in

charge, that's what's going to happen, right? The self

sacrificer is the second saboteur archetype we're going

to unpack deeply at the masterclass, but I mean, pretty

self-explanatory. The self-sacrificer's like ready to

sacrifice herself at all costs, like I will do anything, I will

do whatever it takes. Oh, this guy is showing some interest in

me. Yeah, I'll drop all my plans with my friends, I'll do what he

wants me to do. I'll cook him dinner and try and impress him,

and like sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice. I'll.. and then what

happens with self-sacrifices in relationships when they become

long term is they become like moms, and I've worked with so

many mom types. It's usually the self sacrifice or controller

blend, but they. they start to do everything for the man, like

he is incapable. In the beginning, it's like to impress

him to be a woman, to be based on our conditioning, to be like,

show him all the love, and then one day it's like he looks to

you like you're his mother, right? That's what happens with

the self sacrificer in dating, so the self sacrificer doesn't

like, she's not solid in herself, she's not solid in her.

Oh, actually, I'm not available Tuesday, but let's look at next

week. She's like, "Oh my gosh, I just want to see you. Let me

drop everything. Let me drop my life. Let me ditch everyone,

because all I want is to see you again, right? That's a little

girl. So that's the second one. The third one is the isolator,

and there's so many layers to these, like I'm giving you the

tip of the iceberg. The masterclass is a game changer.

It's on Zoom, so you'll get to meet other amazing women.

There'll be women who've worked with me for the last couple

years, and or many years, who really deeply understand their

saboteurs, and there'll be brand new women, but it's such a great

place to feel inspired, because I'm also going to teach you how

to break free from these leading your relationships and dating

and life, but especially after breakup and divorce. The last

thing you want to do is recreate the same thing, and then end up

in the same place if you want to have a healthy relationship and

a new type of relationship where you get to actually experience

intimacy, where you get to actually grow, where you get to

be your fullest self, and be fucking adored for being your

fullest self. You have to do it differently, right? You have to

get intimate with your saboteur, you have to understand your

patterns, you have to understand this AI version of you that is

like just living in your mind, ready to tell you all the things

to do, because she is, she's leading for most women. So the

third one is the isolator, and the isolator, so calm. I work

with a lot of isolated women, I mean, and self-sacrifice, or I

mean, come on, all women. Their self sacrifices, and we're all

in fantasy, because we've all been brainwashed. Really, the

only relationship model we know is the fantasy one. So, nobody

has been taught how to, like, let relationships organically

unfold and let life surprise you. No, that's not at all the

story. The story is like, you got to know where it's going,

and it's going to be happily ever after, forever and ever.

So, we're all all of them, for sure. Isolator is the woman who

goes on dates and doesn't really share, right?

She's not vulnerable, she's guarded, she's typically a great

listener and has developed the ability to be a great friend,

but not really, because she doesn't let people in and nobody

knows her, right, but she's really great at listening and

giving other people attention. Typically, isolators end up

attracting friends who are really verbose and take up all

the space. The Leos in the room, who nobody else gets airtime,

isolators are magnets to people like that, because then they

don't have to take up space, they can hide in that room,

right? The isolator feels like they don't belong in any room

they go into, so they feel alone, whether they're in

relationship or not. So, isolators dating, it's going to

be really uncomfortable to date, because dating is vulnerable,

right? So, typically, isolators might not even put themselves

out there at all, or if they are, you know, they'll be so

stuck in their, in their freeze mode that they have a hard time,

like really letting someone in and deepening in intimacy, and

the fourth one is the controller. This is the woman

who becomes the mom, right? The controller is the part of you

that is trying to control where it's going, right? The

controller is like waiting for the text message back, and it

hasn't come in the timing you wanted it to, so she's looking

and judging the guy, and at, oh, this can't be right, and then

she's like, got to go over there, that's not enough, this

guy's not good enough, she's like, look, oh, that's a red

flag, she's looking to control it, or she's like, oh, this

guy's perfect, I got to make this happen, I got to call him

again, I got to book another date, I got to, I got to

control, we got to get to the next thing, she's the one that's

giving the ultimatum, the controller is the one that gives

the ultimatum, like, hey, if you won't marry me, I'm out. If you

won't propose to me by Valentine's Day, I'm out. That's

the controller. She's trying to control the fantasy story rather

than let the relationship organically unfold. And if

something doesn't feel aligned internally, at some point she

lets it go. That's the heroine, right? But the controller, she's

going to control how it goes. She's going to control how she's

perceived. The controller once, and again, hybrid with fantasy

addict, those ones go hand in hand. The controller likes to

control people's perception of her, so she does everything

herself. She's got this very independent, but it's like

always controlling people's perception of her has to be

perfect, maybe look perfect, maybe act perfect. She has

really high stat, high expectations. I'd say maybe not

standards expectations. Feels disappointed a lot, and yeah,

she'll be in charge planning. So typically controllers end up

attracting men that don't lead because she's taken the lead,

and that's because she's taking the lead. It's rooted in fear,

right? So all of these saboteur patterns are rooted in fear, and

yet that's the part that most of us are letting lead

relationships and dating, right? We're letting our fear lead, and

when your fear leads, you get more fear, right? The more

afraid you are, and the more you try and control the situation,

so that you don't like it's all in the name of trying to like

feel safe, quote unquote, but actually it does the opposite.

Your saboteur creates the thing she's trying to protect you

from, she's trying to get safety, but she's creating a lot

of lack of safety because she's trying to control life, which is

absolutely out of your control. She's trying to control another

person, which is absolutely out of your control, and even if

they let you control them, it's not going to be a spicy, sexy

time, because you're going to be attracting someone else's

saboteur, like that's the thing, when you're dating from your

saboteur, from your patterns, you're going to be attracting

someone else's patterns, you're going to be attracting someone

else's saboteurs, that that's the perfect match to you, right?

Then you have a kid and a teenager in a relationship, and

they're just like doing this dance, and it might be really

spicy and fun at first, that's a fantasy addict, that's like mock

zero to 100 My God, this is amazing. Is the best man I've

ever met.

This, like, this is what I've been waiting for. And we like

write all these stories in the beginning. That's the fantasy

addict, right? When this part is leading, that's what you're

gonna get, right? Be careful what part of you you bring on

dates with you. So that's the controller. The fourth, the last

one is the shape shifter, and the shape shifter is the part of

you that does not have a solid sense of self. In fact, none of

them have a solid sense of self, because it's all little girl and

saboteur. But the shape shifter is the ones like, who do I need

to be so that I am liked? And so the shapeshifter is kind of like

getting to know this person they're on a date with, and

they're trying to. Morph themselves to that person, like

maybe you shape shift your opinions, maybe you shape shift

your, your calendar, maybe you shapeshift like you're basically

not rooted. This is the woman who says, I've lost myself in

relationship again. I always lose myself in relationship, and

the reality is, when you have yourself, when you're actually

sovereign and rooted in who you are. You cannot lose yourself in

relationship. We only lose ourselves in relationship when

we never had ourselves to begin with. And so, because when you

have yourself and you know yourself, like all of the women

who've just been on the immersion journey with me the

last year know this, it's like you know when your small self is

there, because you've experienced your fullest, most

rooted, expanded self. The women who work with me and come to the

immersion, like they experience their most sovereign selves, and

so they know when their saboteurs hijack them, even if

it's like just for an hour or 30 minutes or a week, like every

woman knows what her saboteur feels like and what a hijack

feels like, because it's not who you are. And when you know your

expansive self, your relaxed self, your grounded self, your

rooted self, your sovereign self, fear is not in charge

anymore, and yet most people are making all of their life

decisions and relating from fear, trying to get love, trying

to get attention, trying to get approval, trying to get this

person to give them something, to give them some sense of

relief temporarily, and then the saboteur wants more, right, the

shape shifter, the fantasy addict that's waiting for

another hit, like, oh, he texted again. Okay, now I feel good.

Oh, I feel relieved. Okay, now I'm confident. And then, like,

an hour later, you're like, "Oh my god, but he didn't respond to

my message, like, "Oh. And then the confidence goes out the

window. That's the little girl. So, the practice is not about

your saboteur being gone forever. Your saboteur is always

going to be there, and every new level of growth and every new

level of deepening within yourself, a saboteur is going to

get loud when you're going through a big growth spurt. When

there's a new part of yourself you're tapping into, should

going to get really loud, and if you are not intimate with this

part of you, it is so hard to reestablish a new relationship

from a blank canvas from a storybook that's blank that

you're letting unfold organically, right, to allow you

to be in your heroin dating, or to experience being in your

heroin dating. You have to know your saboteur and your small

self intimately, so you have the reference point of when she

arises. Now I can do something different if I have awareness,

if I have practices and tools to be able to meet that part of

myself and love up that part of myself. So she's not the one

engaging with this person, so she's not the one showing up on

dates. Like this is an opportunity for you to grow into

your sovereignty, but if you don't know your sneaky saboteur

intimately, they are sneaky, then most likely she's going to

be leading your dating and leading your new relationships,

and that's why new relationships feel so good in the beginning,

and then they feel so bad, because what goes up must come

down, right?

In the beginning, the fantasy addicts like, oh my god, finally

a man that does this, that, and the other, that's like this, and

she's like, all in a high, I've met the one, this is it forever,

and she's like way up on the roof, what goes up must come

down, then she comes crashing down the moment his behavior

changes, because the honeymoon, quote unquote, it's over, and

all the honeymoon is is the phase where everybody's on their

best behavior, but mostly it's from pattern, right? We think

it's like we're meeting people's authentic selves, but really

everyone's on their best behavior, being the perfect

little controller fantasy addict. Put it on a show, like,

here, let me show you all my best parts of myself, and let

me, like, make you think I'm the most amazing person, so you give

me love, right? This is extractive love, and it's the

codependent relationship model that most people only know that

one. This is extractive love. I'm trying to get something from

you in this situation, rather than I'm coming to this state,

and I'm not trying to get anything. I'm not trying to

interview you for a role in my future. I'm not trying to get

attention or approval or validation, but I'm actually

showing on this date so full in myself, so connected, so alive.

My heart feels satiated. I am in pleasure. I am full, right? I am

full with myself. And then I show up on this date, rather

than starving for your attention. I show up in the

state full, and then I sit here from my innocent part of my

heroine, and I look at you, and I'm like, oh, who are you? And

I'm curious, and I'm like, even if you're not my type, quote

unquote, even if my mom. My saboteur has stories as to why

you're right or wrong, or good or bad, or not. I'm just present

and curious, because there's a reason you're sitting in front

of me right now, even if it's just for one date. There's a

reason we are here right now, and I'm going to be here right

now with my heart open, with my spine tall, with my feet rooted

on the ground, on the earth, and I'm going to meet you, and we

can get curious about this human in front of me, and I'm going to

let you experience a new kind of relating, because probably

you're a man out there on dates with women who are in their

saboteurs, in their fantasy addicts, doing job interviews,

trying to control the process and control whether this is

right or wrong, whether you're going to go in the red flag

category, or you're going to go in the green flag category. That

is how most women date. So, to be the breath of fresh air that

walks into a date so full, so connected, heart open, curious,

but not in a fantasy of where's this going in the future. And if

you can bring that energy into every single date and every

single phase of a relationship, you are going to experience the

new paradigm, even if you and your partner, five years in,

were like deepening in love through vulnerability, through

trans, like having transformations, growing

individually, growing together, and you decide, like, hey, let's

get married, just for fun, not because we're promising the

future, but because we just want a new experience, and we want to

experience a new phase of being together. Even then, can you sit

in the, in the not knowing where it's going, right, rather than

sit in the fantasy that, oh, now we're together forever, that's

bullshit. So many people that are married don't stay together

forever, and also, if you do, but you believe it's always

going to be there, you're going to take it for granted, you're

going to totally not honor it, you're going to think the box is

checked, and you're going to not put attention into it, right?

But if every day inside of your relationship you have to, you

have to be present with this relationship, because you don't

know how long it's going to be here, even if you're married.

Like, what a gift to be able to meet your relationship every

day, and be like, how is the relationship? How am I? How are

you?

And like, everyone's sovereign, everyone's taking responsibility

for themselves, for their pain, for their pleasure, and you're

bringing your fullest selves to each other, and you're having

this new experience like that will keep your relationship

alive. But the old paradigm doesn't want us to do that. The

old paradigm is like, stick that butterfly in a jar and put the

lid on it, because you want to keep it forever, right? And then

you stick the jar on a shelf and the butterfly's dead in like 10

minutes, or I don't know how long it would take to suffocate

the butter, poor butterfly. There, speaking of butterflies,

there's like 10 million butterflies in my yard today.

Brandy and I were sitting outside basking in the magic of

the butterflies and the crickets and all these magical little

creatures, lizards in my jungle yard, but anyways, the

butterfly, like that's the relationship model we've been

taught, right? You want to know it's locked down for the future

rather than actually meet it every day with fresh eyes, meet

it every day with radical self responsibility, with fully

taking responsibility for your shit, for your pain. That's why

you got to know your saboteur, you got to know what's yours, my

loves. And I, you know, it doesn't matter how long you've

been on the path. We all have so much come up when we're dating

and in relationship. It is incredibly vulnerable to have

feelings for someone to open your heart, especially after

you've been hurt. It is so uncomfortable to sit in front of

someone you deeply care about and know you have to just trust

the unfolding that is vulnerable. I'm not saying what

I'm sharing is easy, however, if you do not get intimate with

your saboteur, if you do not take the time to the end, I want

to say the due diligence to actually get to know your side

of the street, clean up what you did in past relationships that

was yours, right? If you're still in a story that my ex was

the worst. Now I'm going to attract a new person who's going

to be better. Your saboteur is going to do your relationship

right if you're not owning your side of the street, if you're

not looking intimately and going, okay, I need to figure

out what was mine, even if your partner cheated on you 400 times

and it was like you thought he was a great guy and he was a,

you know, liar or whatever, even if it's a horror story, you

still had a part, and you until you take responsibility for your

life and for what you bring to relationships, and also your

relationship with your, your mother-in-law, and your

relationship with your, or your mom, or your dad, or your, your

ex best friend, or your boss, like whoever is triggering you.

My love, you are the common denominator, you need to know

your part. So, join us at the Masterclass. Get intimate with

your saboteur. Get to know her. This work is so playful because

you get to know your saboteur. She has a name, she has a

personality, she's your little like robot self that you

developed when you're a child to stay safe, and now she's hurting

you. Now she's. Sabotaging you, and if you just let yourself get

intimate with her, build a relationship with her, but not

let her lead, but start to get to know her so much more as

possible. That relationship, that intimacy, that pleasure,

that connection that you crave, you can only experience it from

sovereignty. True, you can only truly, other people might have

it from their saboteurs, but they're not really experiencing

until you really know how to be present, be in your heart, and

live from the trusting of life unfolding and bringing you what

you're meant to experience, and live in a harmonious, loving

relationship with you, and owning all of your parts, and be

having self awareness through these journeys until you have

that deep level of self awareness. You will push love

away, you will sabotage it, you will have it, but you won't be

able to receive it.

You'll, your fear will take over, and you'll constantly be

chasing something that that person can never satiate, and

eventually they'll give up, because that, I mean, that's the

number one complaint of men in relationships, is nothing I ever

do is enough. Kate, nothing I ever do is enough. She's never

satisfied. Why? Because she's trying to get him to fill that

void inside and make her feel good enough. So, until you learn

how to be in relationship with your saboteur and heroine, so

your heroine can love that little girl inside, instead of

your saboteur trying to get it from a man. You will constantly

chase feeling good enough in relationship, and you'll never

feel good enough. And it is a self only for short periods of

time, and it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it will sabotage

all your relationships, which is why it's called a saboteur, so

even if your relationships last, it'll sabotage you from really

receiving the relationship, and the intimacy, and the depth, and

the connection that you deserve. So, my loves, so much more as

possible. June 19, 220-first two hours every morning, eight if

you're in that time zone, might be the afternoon if you're in

another part of the world, two hours every morning, 810 Pacific

on Zoom. We'll put the link under this episode, we'll put it

in in the show notes, so we'll put it everywhere on my

Instagram, on my website. So definitely register for the free

three day expanded love masterclass. Let it totally

change your life, but it's not going to change your life

without you showing up differently. But show up every

morning, and with the devotion to, I'm going to learn my side

of the street, I'm going to figure out what is mine, so I

can have the most amazing relationships of all kinds, not

just romantic. Like, your life will be your quality of your

life will be astronomically better when you have sovereign

relationships, your friendships will be so much more meaningful,

so much more intimate, so much more connected, and inspiring.

If you, if you are in your saboteur, you're going to

attract women in their saboteurs, and your

relationships are going to be built on gossiping, complaining,

victim mentality, fakeness, right? The only way you can have

true thriving relationships in all facets is when you're in the

sovereign woman, which is your heroine, and if you don't know

your saboteur, you're not going to know your heroine. I can

promise you that. So, join us the 19th, 20-first. See you

there. Lots of love. I hope you enjoyed this episode, and share

it with every woman who you know needs to hear

it. Bye.