How to Navigate a Painful, Messy Divorce with Ease

Every breakup I've ever gone through, I have done

it with love, consciousness. Have a like I said, a beautiful

relationship with all my former partners because of where I did

it from. But also, I have used that as an opportunity to become

the next version of myself. And every single time something new

arises, and then it opens something up more in my purpose,

in my life, in my heart, in my joy. You are not here to live a

life of suffering. You are not here to just take

antidepressants and numb your pain or anti-anxiety medication.

You are worth so much more. You're here to live your life,

to feel alive, to feel joy, to feel alignment, to feel like

life is on your side because it is. If you believe that

everything that happens is happening to you, then you're

not seeing how on your side life is. The universe, God, angels,

life, the planet, the galaxy, whatever you want to call it,

has so much in store for your soul in this lifetime. Hello,

beautiful. Welcome to the New Truth Podcast. Kate Harlow here

for this very tender episode. We are really not set up for

success when it comes to the end of relationships in our society.

Say our society. I guess you could be anywhere in the world,

but in most of most parts of the world, maybe all parts of the

world, we are still in such an outdated paradigm when it comes

to relationships and love, and that's of course how the new

truth started.

That's I went to my grandparents' 70th wedding

anniversary, and the whole time, I sat there and was like, "Okay,

it's nice to see everyone, but like, why are we celebrating a

marriage of two people who don't even like each other? You know,

and they're bless their hearts; they're on the other side now.

And you know, for whatever reason, that was their sole

journey, and that was what they were meant to experience. But

when it comes to the new paradigm of. Which is a love

that's rooted in your sovereignty and you loving your

life and being happy within yourself, with or without your

partner. That is not the kind of relationship they had. And would

their lives have looked really different if they weren't

together? Probably, but I also believe some people just aren't

meant to wake up in this lifetime and and live a life

that's aligned with the soul of who they are. So, the old

paradigm of love has us feeling like we've shame. We has us

feeling so much shame, like we have failed when we when a

relationship doesn't last. And isn't it interesting that we're

so quick to throw the baby out with the bathwater? It's like

okay, now that person's my ex. Like, where where's the right

one? If that was the wrong one, like, where is he? And we're now

immediately looking for not everyone, but a lot of women are

immediately looking for the next person.

I was watching fairy tales that were teaching me that I just

needed to go through my life and find a man who is going to

rescue me, and then we'll live happily ever after, and that's

how I know I've achieved some marker of success, worthiness,

good enoughness, lovability. So most women, if they're not

completely rebelling against that story, are always actively

wanting a partner or feeling shameful if they don't have one.

Right? We're so outdated when it comes to relationships. It's

insanity, and there are not a lot of people out there

preaching this message. Which is why I'm like, God, we got to get

it out there further and further. So share this episode

and this podcast with every woman you know, so we can change

this story because it only changes when we change within

ourselves. So we weren't set up for success when it comes to

relationships. We've all been programmed to believe all

relationships must last; otherwise, they are a failure.

And now you're going to put an X marks the spot on that

relationship. You're going to throw it away. You're going to

call it wrong and bad, and you're gonna have your eyes

looking for the next one, or scared to ever go back into a

relationship. Now, all relationships aren't supposed to

last forever, that's for sure. But also, like every

relationship serves a purpose.

If we learned love through fairy tales and love songs and rom

coms, and that's how we learn love is like it's dramatic and

it's high and low, and then one day he chooses you and you're

swept off your feet, and you then you've arrived and

everything works out. If that's how we learn love, which is also

super disempowering and so not how it actually is in

relationships, we also learned breakups in a very misconceiving

way, right? Like breakups don't have to be that way. In fact,

every breakup I've had since I was 30, since I left my

five-year partner Charlie, and I was on this journey already,

have been so loving, so communicative, so clear. I even

have been. I think I shared this already, but my my high school

boyfriend is reaching out. I still have friendships with

every single man I've ever been with. So, because I broke up

with love and I didn't complete the relationship till it was

actually complete. Now, sometimes we have relationships

that end that's out of our control, or you've had years and

years and years of buildup of resentment. Go listen to last

week's episode if you haven't already, because that one's

really important. These are all kind of building on each other,

but that episode is so important because resentment festers and

festers and festers, and then we-it's like this huge animosity

that we hold towards a person just creates so much discord in

the dynamic.

Most likely the fantasy addict, also the self-sacrificer and the

shapeshifter. Because if you're not rooted in yourself, you're

just going to morph into the woman that that man needs.

You're going to have all these fantasies about where the

relationship's going and what it what it is supposed to be, and

then you're going to be sideswiped when it doesn't work

out that way. But I'm here to tell you, whatever you're

experiencing is your curriculum from the universe. Not to punish

you, not to make you suffer. You make yourself suffer, not you.

Your the saboteur voice in your mind makes you suffer, punishes

you, beats you up, beats him up, blames, complains, is a victim,

is constantly gossiping and talking about the story, and and

reinforcing it, making it bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger

and bigger. Right there is a small version of yourself that

most people operate from because they haven't done deep enough

work to really understand their soul and the sovereign woman

inside. But you have attracted this situation, so you can

become the woman you're meant to be. This is part of your hero's

journey, the heroine's journey. I I work with women on

untethering from the conditioned self, the saboteur who we who

we've been taught we're supposed to be, so they can really awaken

and keep unlocking and welcoming the fullness of who they are and

become what I call the heroine of your life. So we're all on a

heroine journey or a hero's journey. If you're a guy, I know

there's some men that listen to this episode. Shout out to

Thespis, love you.

But I know that there are that this is the the heroine's

journey is life, right? The classic hero's journey where we

go through challenges to grow, right? The life set life is just

happening, and this is the human experience. Okay, we are

spiritual beings having a human experience. We're souls, evolved

souls that have probably done many lifetimes having this

funky, wild human experience. Now, the human experience is not

a simple one. I believe we chose to come to this planet because

we wanted to grow in the most insane ways, in the most

expansive ways. Because to grow on this planet takes a lot of

courage, takes a lot of discipline, takes a lot of

commitment and honesty and openness. Like how devotion to

yourself, it takes a lot of perspective shifting, right?

Most people just come here and live in their suffering and have

no idea that the suffering is an inside job. It is so easy to

blame the world around you, but my love, he did not break your

heart. You are breaking your heart. He did not do anything to

you.

He something happened unexpectedly. It only hurts

because the fantasy in your mind believed it was supposed to go

another way. This is why I've always said I I don't think

there's anything wrong with marrying someone. It it's not

the thing that that is the issue. It's how we do the thing

and what part of us is saying yes to the thing, right? We sign

a contract that says for the rest of my life I'm going to be

with you no matter what. Most people say till death do us part

through goodness, sickness, and health. In what is the other

thing? Like good and bad, whatever. Like it's like no

matter what, I'm going to be with you. Like that is

absolutely an insane contract to sign. Okay, I say this with so

much love. You don't know what you don't know until you know.

So I don't say this to put you down in any way. But like how

wild that I am making. Decisions for my future self when I don't

know her yet, right? Even if your relationship is amazing and

you love your partner so much and you have such a great life

and you have children together and life is so amazing, people

can still change, right? And and you can still go in totally

different directions, and that doesn't mean that you're bad

people. It simply means this relationship wasn't meant to go

beyond what it is, right?

But because we all bought into that story that, like, when you

get married, you're signing a contract for the rest of your

life, and if it doesn't go how it's going to go, you're going

to be real mad, and you're going to be really resentful, and

you're going to fight tooth and nail that person because they

went against their word. Let's actually zoom out. Like it was

ridiculous to believe that you knew what your relationship was

going to be down the road. Like that is actually a prison cell

you put your both yourselves both in. And then most people,

once they're married, there's a complacency that happens in

marriage, because on some subconscious level, you know

it's always going to be there, quote unquote. You think it's

always going to be there, so you don't have to put effort in, you

don't have to nurture it, you don't have to care for it,

right? It's like a plant. If you do not water and feed and

nourish the plant and give it sunlight and give it, you know,

the the optimal environment and love, and you take care of it.

What happens to the plant? I can tell you, I've killed a lot of

my plants. It dies. Spoiler alert: it dies. So, what are you

doing with your relationship? Were you tending to it? Were you

caring for it? Were you tending to your own heart and caring for

it? You know, when I work with women and they're like scared to

invest in themselves at first, I'm like, "What? You're like so

quick to walk down the aisle and spend 1000s of dollars getting

married, hundreds of 1000s of dollars, and you haven't even

invested in learning how to have a relationship with yourself,

let alone with your partner. Like it's absurd, and we, it's

absurd the fantasy, like how we're totally turn a blind eye

to anything, to like the fact that we don't know. I mean, you

just don't know what you don't know, but like that that

nobody's talking about this, like this trillion dollar

wedding industry, and like there's barely any conversations

about learning how to have a healthy relationship before you

get married, and also getting married in a conscious way. Like

I love you, and I promise to always be honest and always show

up fully and take responsibility for my pain and for my pleasure.

I promise you that I'm going to share where I'm at, and we're

going to have deep conversations. And as long as

we're still growing and both of us are still a yes to this, that

we keep deepening and evolving. Like there is a new way to do

this, right? So you didn't know what you didn't know. Now you

know for the future.

I should totally do like a wedding series or something, and

how to how to raise your consciousness in your

relationship before you get married. Maybe that's coming.

But for now, let's talk about divorce. So that's the new

paradigm of marriage, where you're not like promising a

future that you don't even know yet. You don't know what you're

going to go through. You don't know how life's going to change

you both. You don't know where you're going to be or what your

heart's going to desire. So let's look at doing the divorce

differently, right? You can use this as an opportunity to grow,

as an opportunity to heal your patterns and the wounded little

girl inside of you that's been hurt not only by this man or

this person, but also by many people in your life. This is an

opportunity. So the first most important thing for you to

consider taking a step doing is no longer feeding the story. Now

this might be really hard because women bond over

gossiping and complaining, and that's how they get close to

their friends. Is like, oh my God, he's such an asshole. Guess

what he said to me? What do you think it means he's with this

other woman? La la la, drama, drama, drama. Your saboteur is a

drama queen. She's been taught to be because she's watched a

lot of movies and TVs. Most likely, it's 2026. I'm sure your

saboteurs consumed a lot of content about the drama of what

life is supposed to be. When actually, life is quite simple.

When I live in I live in Africa, if you don't know, and I walk

around and like life is quite simple here. Of course, there's

still drama, but like I live in nature, it's so much more

spacious, and my life is so simple because the drama queen

is no longer running my life, which was my saboteur. So get to

know your saboteur and clean up the stories she's been telling.

Now let's talk about cleaning them up because step one and two

are very connected. Clean up the story. To clean up the story,

you really have to let yourself go there to the bottom. Like say

everything you would never say to another human. Like

everything you can do this in front of the mirror. You can do

this in your journal. You could do it with a friend who's also.

Heard this episode? If you're in my community, you find another

heroine to do it with, but you sit with someone or yourself in

front of the mirror and you let that part of you, your small

self, your wounded self, that's so mad that this man did not

keep his bargain. End of the bargain, that he changed his

tune, or that he didn't show up in your relationship, or that he

blah blah blah blah blah blah.

Whatever you're blaming that person for, or or that the

relationship didn't go how it's supposed to go, or maybe there's

something wrong with you, or whatever the stories are that

you're sharing that you're believing, let them out. Okay,

most likely you've been leaking them in many ways with many

people. This is your opportunity to let them out fully, let out

the story fully till it's fully expressed, and you're feeling

your feelings so deeply, and feel everything that's

underneath, because that's how we actually heal and move

through our pain and heal from past relationships. Is we let

ourselves feel what we're feeling underneath, rather than

stay in the story. Okay, the story keeps the feeling trapped

inside of you. If you're anxious, if you're depressed,

it's because there's repressed feelings. You are repressing

your truth. You are repressing all the pain underneath by

telling this story, even if you're crying every night and

you're like, "Kate, I'm feeling my feelings. I'm crying every

night, or I'm crying with my friends every day. Are you

crying every day because you're just swimming in this story and

the story's making you cry?

Right? You think it's the thing that happened that broke your

heart, but it's actually the stories you keep telling

yourselves over and over and over again that break your

heart, and guess what? Your heart actually can't be broken.

That's an illusion. The heart is impenetrable. You cannot break

your heart. Okay, that's a story. But you feel pain, and

when we are in relationship with our pain, and when we know how

to love our pain and feel it and welcome it without the story,

pain alchemizes back into homeostasis, back into harmony

with your body, with your being, with your soul, with your life.

Oh my God, feeling your feelings is everything. It's such a

beautiful thing when you can just let yourself feel. I'm

working with a heroine right now who I love deeply, and she has

been going through a breakup, and it's been painful moments of

bliss. She's very clear, but also feeling lots of grief, and

it was a significant relationship. And one day, she

sent me a message recently. She was crying. She's like, "Oh, I'm

so tired crying. She was feeling her grief fully, doing her

practices, doing her processes, and she said, "You know what's

underneath it all? I realize is love. You know, she before at

the beginning she wanted to be mad at him, she wanted to blame

him, she wanted to be in the story, but what was at the

bottom of the feelings is love. Why? Because that's who we all

are, and when you take responsibility for your own

pain, rather than feeding the story that the other person did

something to you, because no one did anything to you, this is

divine. It will make sense later. Right now, it makes no

sense. Right now, you're probably feeding stories like

this is bad for the children. This is wrong. This shouldn't be

happening. You know, this is I'm a failure.

Whatever the story is that you're telling right now is

actually not true, because everything that happens in your

life is exactly what's meant to happen in your life, and if you

are believing anything else to be true, you are suffering.

That's why most people are on antidepressants and anti-anxiety

medication or self-medicating with food and alcohol or

whatever, most people are in that place because they aren't

feeling their feelings and going through what they're going

through. Like this is what you're supposed to be going

through. Life brings us so many experiences of curriculum for

our souls to evolve and for us to live the life that we're

meant for, so even though this might not make any sense to you

right now, it might make sense, but it also might not. You might

be like, "This wasn't supposed to happen. There's a book called

"Loving What Is" and by Byron Katie. That book changed my

life, and I was mad about it when I first read that book

because it's like no matter what you went through, it's exactly

how it's supposed to go.

Even when people we lose people we love in our lives, that was

how it was supposed to go. A soul cannot leave planet Earth

until it's until it's its time to leave planet Earth, and it

will not leave a day sooner or a day later. Us souls come and go

to the divine journey of their soul, but our tiny little human

selves-the human without the soul and the spirit, the

divinity-is very confused about what the human experience is,

and it has a lot of conditioned fantasies, programmed fantasies

from movies, TVs, songs, media, social media. Politics, all the

systems around us, that brainwash us to believe life is

supposed to be something other than what it is. But I am here

to tell you, I've done the legwork, and I've worked with

hundreds and hundreds of women. I've impacted 1000s, hundreds of

1000s of women with this work. I am here to tell you, your life

is going exactly how it's supposed to go, even if that

fucking sucks, even if you're heartbroken, even if you're

going through the most painful journey, it will make sense

later, right? Have you ever seen a movie where the lead character

doesn't go through some painful journey? That's the hero's

journey, the heroine's journey, and we go through painful

journeys over and over and over again because we're here to

evolve, and our lives aren't meant to go how our tiny little

human mind thinks it's supposed to go, right?

My mind thought when I was in my 20s that I was gonna marry

Charlie, my boyfriend, and have kids. Okay, my every heroine

that works with me is laughing right now. Like it's not to say

I'm never gonna marry. Maybe I'll meet someone who I deeply

love, and I'm like, yes, let's just have a new experience. I'll

never say till death do us part, but I'll say I'll love you no

matter what because that's true. I know that I can hold up that

end of the bargain, even if someone hurts me, I'll still

love them. I won't hold on to the story. I will feel my pain

till the very bottom, and I'll trust the divine orchestration

of that too, because I have learned this lesson over and

over and over again. So it gets easier, my loves. If it's really

hard for you to accept what is right now, it will get easier.

Because trust me, 20 years ago, when I read Byron Katie's Loving

What Is, I did not want to believe that statement should be

true-that everything was divine and it's going exactly how it's

supposed to go. That was torment to me. The idea of that, but

it's true, and my life gets richer and more beautiful and

more filled with love and more filled with adventure and joy

and purpose, like my gifts become more refined and more

clear. The more I trust life, the more I let it unfold. The

more I tend to my little girl when she's deeply sad or scared.

Right. All you need to know is how to be in relationship with

little you. So let's get back to the story. The story is keeping

your feelings trapped. That causes a lot of health issues.

I think I said this in the last episode: drinking poison and

expecting someone else to die. Feelings that are trapped in

your body cause depression because they're repressed,

depressed. Right? You're repressing your feelings. You're

repressing your truth. You're repressing your soul, your

heart, your joy, your turn on everything. If you're just stuck

in a story, so stop feeding the story. Okay, that's going to be

hard. Go into it as many times as you need to on your own or in

a safe environment with a friend who's just holding space but not

feeding the story with you. Okay, feel the feelings to the

bottom, but stop just gossiping with your friends about the

breakup, about the divorce, because guess what? That's

keeping it. That's keeping you suffering. That's keeping it

messy. That's keeping it hard. You cannot clean up anything

from that place. So stop telling the story. Next time a friend

asks you, "Oh my God, what's happening in your divorce? Like,

what's he doing now? Or whatever the whatever the common way that

they bring it up with you is, you say thank you so much for

asking. Actually, I'm on a deep healing journey right now. I'm

using this time and this painful experience as a catalyst to

grow. You're going to short circuit people if they don't

listen to the New Truth podcast or anything like it.

But just like this is, you know, my time to heal, and I'm no

longer talking about him. What a circuit breaker! You're going to

heal the hearts of other women just from saying that, let alone

from holding it and continuing to choose that. That will change

your life. That one thing alone, and like stop telling stories

about your boss that triggers you, or that that friend you,

women you used to be friends with who hurt you, quote

unquote, right? That just keeps you a victim, and if you are a

victim, you are powerless. And I believe you are so much more

powerful than that, my loves. It is such a painful, horrible

place to be when we are victims of our reality. You can take

responsibility, no matter what has happened. Trust me, trust

me, trust me, trust me. So clean up the story, feel what's

underneath, and every time the feelings are there, imagine a

little version of yourself, like a young version of yourself, and

just hold her and tell her you love her, and put your hands on

your heart and be with her as she navigates the muck of the

feelings, you know, cry, scream, do breath work, do some movement

while you're feeling. Let the feelings out, let them unleash,

but stop the story. Okay, and then the third step, and of

course, join us at the starting over weekend. I'm going to plug

it again. It's going to be a game changer. It's such a

beautiful.

Healing weekend, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, two and a half

hours each day, eight to 1030 Pacific, maybe 11. We'll see.

You're going to be meeting other women going through transition

too, who are wanting to do it differently, who are wanting to

be empowered. These are the women you talk to rather than

your friends that just want to gossip, right? You can start to

build relationships with women who are sovereign, who are

taking responsibility for their lives, for how they're

perceiving what they're going through. This is your

opportunity to grow. So join us; you will meet so many amazing

women from around the world who are navigating their own version

of what you're going through. And I'm going to be sharing some

more practices, and we're going to go through a journey together

to heal this and complete this relationship with so much

reverence and love, so that it doesn't cause you constipation

or depression or anxiety or you know challenging relationships

in the future. This is your opportunity to rewrite your

story so that you get to start a new chapter as a completely

different character, and that's step number three. Step number

three is to own who you're becoming, right? Become the

heroine of your life. This is your call to rise. This is the

moment, the call to adventure, the call to rise in your

heroine's journey, where you get to choose, choose the old path

that's like seemingly easier because you know it really well.

You know how to do life from your patterns, from your small

self. You know how to gossip and complain. You know how to keep

yourself resentful. You know how to fight with your ex. You know

how to be messy. Come to the starting over weekend, and I'll

show you how to navigate your relationship with your ex or

your partner you're just splitting with right now,

because you can do it in a completely different way. Where

that person's going to short circuit because they're not even

going to recognize you. So I want you to the third step now

is to like do some reflecting on who you're becoming. Who are you

becoming? What is this? What is this experience calling you

forward into? Is it your sovereignty? Have you never made

your own money, or have you been giving all your power away to

him, and he's been so controlling? Or have you been in

fantasy about the life instead of actually listening to your

compass that's been screaming at you and your body? Right? What

are you learning? Learning how to live from your truth? Are you

learning how to become the queen of your life and how to stand

with and for yourself. Are you learning how to how to fall in

love with yourself because you were in a relationship where you

didn't feel loved? What are you learning? Who are you becoming

through this process? Claim it right now.

Decide, and then every day make sure your choices align with the

woman you're becoming. Right? If you just stay in suffering, if

you just stay in the victim mentality in the story, and keep

feeding the drama with your ex, that's a choice. You can choose

that. But this is an opportunity to become someone new. Every

breakup I've ever gone through, I have done it with love,

consciousness. Have a like I said a beautiful relationship

with all my former partners because of where I did it from,

but also I have used that as an opportunity to become the next

version of myself. And every single time something new

arises, and then it opens something up more in my purpose,

in my life, in my heart, in my joy. You are not here to live a

life of suffering. You are not here to just take

antidepressants and numb your pain or anti-anxiety medication.

You are you are worth so much more. You're here to live your

life, to feel alive, to feel joy, to feel alignment, to feel

like life is on your side because it is. If you believe

that everything that happens is happening to you, then you're

not seeing how on your side life is.

The universe, God, angels, life, the planet, the galaxy, whatever

you want to call it has so much in store for your soul in this

lifetime, and most women just ran to the finish line, checked

all the boxes, got to get a husband and a house, and da da

da, and then one day wake up like Elizabeth Gilbert and you

pray love and feel empty and feel like what I have

everything, but I feel empty. That's because they forgot their

soul, right? We were pulled away from our souls at a very young

age. We all had magical connection to our souls and our

spirits, and then we got pulled away and brainwashed by all

these weird systems that keep us so small and in fear. And I'm

offering you a new opportunity. Something else is possible for

you, and you can live a life that keeps getting better every

day, every month, every year. You can become the version of

yourself every month, every year, every day that feels

better. You get to feel how you want to feel. You get to have

the love you desire, but you'll never have it from inside of the

patterns. If you just blame this guy, put next through that

relationship, and be like, "He's my ex. Okay, where's the next

one? And look for the next one. Guess what? Wherever you go,

there you are. Those patterns are coming with you, and one day

he's going to be the bad guy too, or she, right? This is your

chance to do it differently. Join us in starting over

weekend, october 23 to 25th. It's going to be so beautiful.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday. We did it last year.

It was amazing. Really a game changer for women, and if you

want to go deeper with me, you can always reach out. This is my

magic. This is my gift: is to guide women back to their souls,

to reawaken who we truly are, so you can live a life that feels

good. And if you have children, so you can pass that blessing

and that gift onto your children, rather than just keep

feeding the program of who they're supposed to be, so much

more is possible. You're amazing. I believe in you. Share

this episode with every woman you know who is who is suffering

right now because of a breakup or divorce, and they're in the

mess and they're in the muck, and they just want to feel good,

and you know are ready to take some responsibility. There's so

much more to this. We will go into it on the starting over

weekend, but for now, sending your heart so much love. This is

the time to be loving and gentle and intentional to give yourself

the support that you need to actually invest in yourself and

show up for yourself in your life, so that you can heal all

these old, outdated thinking around relationships and

patterns. This relationship served a great purpose. This

ending serves a great purpose in your life. One day, it will all

make sense. I promise you that. So, as long as you start to come

home to the truth of who you are, it's possible you could

hold on to the story that it doesn't serve a purpose for the

rest of your life. In which case, I can't help you. I love

you. I believe in you, and I'll see you next week.