The Stories We Tell Ourselves | S2021

[00:00:04] Welcome to From Barriers to Breakthroughs, the podcast that helps you create the life, business, and love you truly want. Not with silver bullets or magical pills, but by removing what's actually holding you back. Here's what nobody tells you about getting unstuck. It has nothing to do with what you know, but it has everything to do with that switch within that allows you to turn that knowledge into action.

[00:00:32] Your breakthrough begins now. And welcome to another episode of From Barriers to Breakthroughs. I am your host, Rebecca Mountain. And today I've got something special for you. Special because, well, it's going to make you feel a little bit more uncomfortable than normal. And it's about the stories that we tell ourselves.

[00:00:55] You see, we have, as a human race, the incredible ability to convince ourselves that everything is going to be okay. When we actually know that we're putting all these barriers and blocks and impediments in our way to actually get the life, work, and love that we really, really want. And you've heard me say this before. It's nothing really new. We procrastinate on doing something. We kick something, another can down the road a little bit further.

[00:01:25] I'll do it Monday. We know we're supposed to eat well, but we don't. Go to the gym and we don't. So there's all these different things that we do. But the question that I've always asked after an answer for, which I'm rather obsessed with, is what actually drives that? Why do we consistently have this behavior that actually ends up hurting us? Because scaled up and out of control, you have things like addictions.

[00:01:50] And when I understand that it's part of the human condition, but I'm also not one to sit back and just kind of go, well, that's just who I am. Because guess what? That in and of itself is a story. So today's episode is going to be about blind spots, about what it is we can't see, and why these blind spots come into our lives and the role that they actually play. Because they actually can be protecting us from something.

[00:02:18] Remember, our brains are always trying to protect us from perceived threats. Now, long time ago in the caveman days, it was protecting us from getting eaten by saber-toothed tigers. Today is protecting us from having someone say something that's against maybe what we put out on social media. A threat is a threat is a threat. And what our brain is trying to get us to do is to stay safe.

[00:02:41] And so when you think about blind spots, we have a very hard time of seeing them because they're blind. We are blind to it. But the smarter you are, the harder it is to actually detect these. Because perhaps you've developed a way of working where you just railroad your way through. And by sheer blunt force, you make things happen. And it's wonderful and amazing. But you'd have to use a lot less effort.

[00:03:09] And the journey would be a lot more fun if you didn't have to do all that bulldozing. And so let's think about these stories. Because it's our stories that actually keep us stuck. And I did some research recently from a gentleman in the U.S., Dr. Judson Brewer.

[00:03:28] And he studies things like addiction and why people continue to practice habits and patterns of behavior that hurt us in the end. And again, so he's talking about from addiction perspectives and those can be incredibly damaging. But there's also less insidious things that we can do to ourselves. And of course, I was the queen of self-sabotage. Still am the queen of self-sabotage.

[00:03:53] But now when I understand the patterns that go around, what drives those self-sabotaging behaviors, again, like procrastination, like perfectionism, like tinkering, keeping the control, not letting anyone else help. There's a reason that these behaviors exist. So what Dr. Brewer talks about is a curiosity-based method. And by using this creativity, sorry, not creativity, curiosity methodology and approach,

[00:04:22] we stop forcing and we start accepting. So here's a laundry list of things that you may respond to. You may be like, yep, that's me. That's exactly what I do. And this is how these bad behaviors and bad patterns show up in our lives. So late nights, you know you have to get up early in the morning, but you just stay up watching one more episode on Netflix until two o'clock in the morning. You skip your workouts. It's the tab that you keep refreshing.

[00:04:51] You're like, you know, maybe I'm going to get an email and you're constantly checking that constant, constant, constant. You're always looking on your socials to see if people are responding to the stuff that you're putting out there. It's conversations that you're avoiding. It's knowing what you should do, but doing something else instead anyway. And it's interesting. I did a session with my private clients two weeks ago, and I asked them to identify not as just what they should be doing,

[00:05:17] but what they always do instead of what you should be doing. And the pattern usually repeats. So one of them would just instantly find that there's all these errands that she had to run. And it was immediately the most important thing in the whole wide world, and she had to go do it right then. Other people vacuum. Some people walk the dog. Some people do laundry. Other people take a nap. Some people doom scroll. But there's usually something that is kind of our safety mechanism where our brain is like, do the safe thing.

[00:05:46] You're trying to do something hard. Your brain says it's a threat. And it's like, why don't you make yourself feel better? Just do the thing that you love. And we're going to get into this in a second. So this gap between knowing what you should do and actually doing it is not a character flaw. There's nothing wrong with you. You don't have to think that you're somehow less than you need to be. It's nothing like that at all. It's a predictable feature of the brain that you're actually running on.

[00:06:14] So every habit that we practice has a payoff, even the bad ones. And the bad ones are the ones that we kind of, and not necessarily all bad, but the ones that prevent us. I call them bad habits if they're getting in the way of what would actually make your life better. So that's what I'm considering a bad habit. So there's three steps to how we actually behave. The first one is a trigger. So that could be something like it's a feeling. We feel kind of uncomfortable. We feel a little insecure. Maybe we're trying something new.

[00:06:43] Maybe you're using AI for the first time and you're like, and you're not entirely sure if you should do it. You could be just under stress. There's some sort of a cue that we have that it's our turn to actually do something. Time to take responsibility. Time to be accountable. And these are the kinds of things that can set us off. A trigger leads to a behavior. So this is what you actually do. So it's you walk the dog and think of, again, the pattern that repeats for you over and over. I doom scroll.

[00:07:12] I will, whenever I feel uncomfortable, my brain goes, do the safe thing and entertain yourself. And so that's, that is my behavior. But you have to be aware of what it is that you're doing and then go back and say, well, what triggered that? What feeling did I have? What thoughts was I thinking that drove me to actually do this? And then, of course, there's the reward, which is avoidance. If you don't have to take responsibility, you're okay. You don't have to be accountable for that.

[00:07:42] It's okay. You know, I'm entertaining myself. I'm making myself feel happy. So there's my reward. You're eating that little, you know, that little treat that you want for yourself. You have that drink and you feel good. So this is the pattern that we follow as human beings. It's trigger behavior reward. That's how it works. Okay. So the brain was built to learn in this way, including the habits that are doing you absolutely no good.

[00:08:11] Now, if you're an entrepreneur, you are literally built to be trapped by this trigger behavior reward sequence. And remember, the smarter you are, the better you are at what you're doing, the harder it is for you to detect that you're actually practicing avoidance. And a lot of times when I work with my high performers, they're like, oh, no, I don't have any bad habits. Three questions in, they're like, oh, okay, maybe I do.

[00:08:37] So there's three conditions that actually create a situation and environment in which you can have a lot of blind spots. The first one is a high stress load. So high stress creates chronic uncertainty. And that uncertainty becomes a trigger. So stress is usually a reaction to you don't know what you're going to do next or someone is doing something or something is out of your control. That kind of stress in particular is really bad.

[00:09:06] Stress you can't control. Things are happening in and around you, but for which you have no agency. So the nervous system reaches for anything in the world that's going to quiet that. And so that's why it seeks those really quick and instant rewards. And instant is very important because most of the rewards, and especially in entrepreneurialism, they take a minute. You have to work really hard before the results come, but our brains are not designed for that. It wants instant gratification.

[00:09:32] So high stress load puts you in a trap, a position where you may have more blind spots. Total autonomy is another one. So when people go and they start their own businesses, often they're like, I have no boss. I can work whatever hours I want. But what that does is it removes the built-in accountability of a hierarchical structure. And so you have to be accountable to yourself. And we're not really good at doing that as human beings.

[00:10:00] So a nine-to-five job, a structured job with structured accountability can really work for us. If you're an entrepreneur or work in an environment in which there is no such structure, again, you are in danger of falling victim to your blind spots. And the last one is the outsized reward structure. Entrepreneurs in particular love the whale. They love the big win.

[00:10:26] They love the huge deal that they closed. And all the little things are like, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. But like, it's always searching for that one big thing. And it feels incredible. And so we learn just to hunt those things and to mistake frantic motion for actual progress. So these are the kinds of things that create an environment in which entrepreneurs can struggle valiantly.

[00:10:53] So I've got eight stories that I want to see if you actually can connect with. Because our blind spots are blind to us, but we have a repeated pattern of a story that we're telling ourselves that allow us to keep that more difficult thing to face up to just down because that's hard and our brain doesn't want to look at it because it's a threat. It's a challenge. It's difficult.

[00:11:20] Let's justify our actions with a nice story that we wrap in a bow. So the first one is I work better under pressure. Fun fact, you don't. You finish better under pressure, but that doesn't mean you work better under pressure. Those are two different claims. Okay, so if you're the kind of person who's like, oh yeah, you know, I just, I love to, I leave things to the last minute because I work better under pressure. No, no, no. You finish better under pressure. So that's a pattern that you could be falling victim to.

[00:11:50] Another one is I'll rest when I've made it. The challenge with this one is you're always moving the goalposts. It's, they never stay where they are because you're like, well, you know, I made it to here, but I'm not all the way. So you move it out again. And then you achieve that goalpost. You're like, but I need more. And you move it out again. And so you never actually rest. And it's a constant chase. And that one leads to tremendous burnout. I just need to stay available is the third story that we may tell ourselves.

[00:12:18] This is for leaders who have teams that never put their phone down. Like, well, I just, I just have to have it always with me just in case someone needs me. This is an indication of someone who is needing a very important reward loop where they need to be the one that provides the answer. They need to be the hero. It's called a hero complex. The team you built doesn't require it, but you create that dependency so that they do.

[00:12:45] And everybody actually doesn't win because your team doesn't learn to be independent. And I've had team leads and leaders that I've worked with on this, and they just can't understand why the team won't step up. And I'm like, because you won't let them. You become the easy button. Busy is the same as productive is another one. Like, I'm just, I'm always so busy. Doesn't mean that you're productive. What that hides is motion is legible. It's visible. You can see it. I'm doing something. And your brain is just rewarding you all over the place for it.

[00:13:15] But you're not actually moving the dial. You're not actually creating measurable results that you can say, yeah, like this is what's actually leading me to greater success. Four more. If I want it done right, I'll just do it myself. So what this hides is control is the reward. That's what you want. And so doing it yourself delivers that instant feeling of competence that you are reaffirming to yourself that you have high value.

[00:13:43] The delegating delivers a delayed one. You don't like it. And the loop perpetuates. So see if that's something that really resonates with you. Here's a classic. I'll start it on Monday. All this is doing is taking the plan that you have, which is a perfectly good plan, and moving it out and moving it out and moving it out. The plan itself is not the problem. You can have the best planner, the best productivity apps.

[00:14:11] But if you're always saying, I will do it Monday or I'll do it whenever, you're never going to execute it. Monday, you run the same loop. Oh, you know, not today. I'm going to do it next Monday. I'll do it tomorrow or whatever. One of the ones that I fear the most for people, because it's really difficult to get out from behind, is this is just who I am. This one is identity used as armor. You don't want to change. You don't want anyone to ask you any questions.

[00:14:40] You don't want to make any adjustments. It's a story that is a loop that needs to survive. And the more you tell it, the stronger that armor becomes. But behind that armor is a tremendous amount of emotions that are not being dealt with. It could be anger. It could be insecurity, lack of confidence, overwhelmed stress, tons of stuff were going on inside that armor. But if you're just like, just this is who I am, and that's sort of the bullish way you present yourself to the world,

[00:15:08] you're going to find that things are going to get really difficult for you because the world will change without you. It'll just leave you behind. And then the last one is one more hour won't hurt. This is the classic Netflix, one episode and then another episode and another episode. What it hides is that small hours are invisible to you, but they are visible to your body. So your relationships and your judgment.

[00:15:34] The cost is actually getting paid, but in tiny, tiny little drips. So you're not saying, I'm going to sit down and waste an entire day watching Netflix. You sit down in the morning and you're like, I'm just going to watch one. Well, then you're, well, one more is not going to hurt. Well, then that left it on a cliffhanger. So I'm going to go one more. Well, you know that. And then by the end of the day, you're already done. You didn't start off that way going, I'm going to ruin an entire day. But that's how it ended up because the story that you're telling yourself is one more won't hurt.

[00:16:04] Whereas one more most assuredly will. So awareness is the start of having to break these bad patterns. So looking at the last eight little stories that I told you, and that is not an exhaustive list. There's millions more that we keep telling ourselves, but that is actually where you start. But it's most assuredly not where you finish. 98% of what you know is not going to change a thing about what you do.

[00:16:32] So spotting a loop, being aware that, oh yeah, you know what? When I get stressed, I binge eat. Or when I feel overwhelmed, I go and I walk the dog for five hours. Understanding that you have it is a great start, but it's not going to be what's going to change the dial. Willpower is the wrong tool. So the willpower approach is basically, I'm just going to try harder. So you white knuckle it through,

[00:17:00] you bulldoze your way through the day, your stress goes up, which makes the trigger more potent, and it makes it harder to get rid of. So it drives up your emotions, which drives the behavior even further. And you have this horrible accelerating habit loop that every single time you get through it, it gets worse. It gets harder. You conclude that you are actually the problem. And that's not true. Flip it over to the curiosity approach,

[00:17:27] which is you look directly at the bad habit itself. You look at that muffin you're going to eat instead of going to the gym. You look at walking, you're out there walking your dog, avoiding some important work. And you're like, hang on a second. Let me think about this. Let me think about what I'm doing right now. So you're in the bad habit and you approach it with some curiosity. You study the loop. Well, this is interesting. Hmm, what's driving me to go walk my dog for five hours?

[00:17:55] You know, I know I'm trying to avoid it, but like, what is the feeling? Like, where does it come from? You can't use judgment when you're going through this process because curiosity is not about judging. Curiosity is about seeking to understand. So you notice the reward itself and you notice what it actually feels like. And when it comes down to it, what you're going to find is that reward doesn't feel so great. That muffin, you know, it's just a muffin and it doesn't feel great as a reward,

[00:18:25] as your little treat for not doing the thing that would have actually made you feel better. That would help for longevity because of going to the gym, you know, something you want to do, it does make you healthier. Once you start tarnishing the luster of that reward, the loop starts to break. And so by introducing curiosity, you're kind of taking an investigative approach

[00:18:53] into like, where is this all really coming from? And that's where you start to make changes. And in all of my programs, I teach a methodology from psychology called RAIN. And so curiosity and the RAIN process is a great opportunity for you to start looking at your patterns and following these very simple four steps to start breaking it so that it loses its hold on you and you start doing what you should be doing.

[00:19:23] So the four stages are this. So RAIN is the acronym, R-A-I-N. Recognize is the first one. This is simply catch the loop as it's running. Catch yourself in the moment. Oh, I'm doing it again. The second A is allow. And this is to let yourself be in the habit without fighting it. Don't try to force it away. Don't just go home with your dog. Keep going.

[00:19:50] I'm just, okay, I'm gonna allow the fact that this is something that is happening for a reason. It's okay. This is part of the human condition. So you accept and you allow that this is happening. I is to investigate. Now this is where you start being a little bit of your own little explorer. What does this actually feel like? What does it feel like to do this instead of the thing I'm supposed to be doing? And you start to kind of tarnish the luster. You kind of take out the sparkle.

[00:20:20] And the last one, N, is nurture or often called note. And this is where you make a note of what you have found. And then you continue on your day. You nurture the fact that, ah, okay, I just went through this process. I just went and investigated this thing and I discovered some things about myself. This is good. So nurture is telling yourself that this is good. This is a good process to go through. And that's it. That is a structure that you can use

[00:20:49] to introduce curiosity into the bad habit that starts breaking the power that it has on you. So four additional questions that you can use to kind of help you make your way through it is, number one, which sentence do I say most often when I'm cornered or when I'm stressed or when I'm tired? This is the one that you defend the most. This is like, well, this is just who I am. Well, I'll just do it another day. Well, one more hour won't hurt. What's the question?

[00:21:18] What's the sentence that you say to yourself that starts things off in terms of the avoidance behavior? Second, when did this last story last cost me money, sleep or relationship? Because you are paying a price. You're paying a price for something and it could be an opportunity cost so that you didn't make money or you didn't invest in something, whether it's relationships or your business or whatever. But your bad habits are costing you.

[00:21:48] What did it cost you? Time, money, relationships, some enrichment, some me time, like what is it costing you? The third question is who in my life benefits because I keep believing it. Are you protecting somebody? Are you covering for somebody? Are you just covering for yourself? It's an important question. And the fourth one is what would I have to face if it weren't true?

[00:22:16] And this is that underbelly piece, that sensitive part of you that has to admit that I'm an inveterant tweaker because of all things, right? So of my website, I'm always tweaking, tinkering. You know, I just need to put one more thing in place, like that kind of a thing. I'm doing that because I'm afraid of launching. Why I'm afraid of launching? Because I think if I put myself out there, I'm going to get blowback. People are going to say it's stupid or there's just going to be silence.

[00:22:46] And you just can't imagine anything more humiliating than that. That's what's behind the sentence. That's the stuff that when you have the courage to face it and at least to understand it, all you have to do is understand it. And you make tremendous strides at being able to break the pattern, which allows you to introduce new ones. Not an easy thing to do. And so when it comes to striving

[00:23:14] to move beyond where you are now, high performers do not hit a floor. They hit a ceiling. But it is an artificial ceiling. It is a ceiling of your own construction. It is also a ceiling that is made of paper. It is not made of bricks. It's not made of cement. It is completely permeable and you can go right on through it. But you perceive it to be insurmountable until you break the stories that you're telling yourself

[00:23:42] that hold you in that prison. Your opportunity is to look at your habits, the way you think and the way you behave as either your prison or your passport. And this process is curiosity approach versus just relying on willpower is what's going to actually help you get there. There is no amount of positive thinking that is going to solve this problem because positive thinking and negative self-talk

[00:24:11] are actually two different parts of your brain. So you can affirm your way through your day and there are great things to do. There are wonderful things, affirmations. But if you don't detect the undercurrent of negative self-talk and these stories that you are saying to yourself, that affirmation, that beautiful positive thinking that you're trying to bring into your life, will it be of absolutely no effect? And as a high performance coach,

[00:24:41] the only thing I ever want to do is stuff that works. And so if you're one of those positive thinkers, you meditate, you do your affirmations, but you're still feeling a little bit stuck, ask yourself what blind spots you have. Ask yourself what story or stories are you telling yourself that are repeating over and over and over again to get you off the hook from facing what's really, really important. Remember, it's not easy. It's not pleasant sometimes

[00:25:09] to admit to what is actually in that delicate, sensitive underbelly of our behaviors. But once you just learn to understand it, you can start to deconstruct the power that it has on you and you can start to move through your life with a lot less friction. So my challenge to you today, find your story. 70% it is estimated of our stories, of our negative stories,

[00:25:38] go undetected. That's how big our blind spots are. So just find one. One complaint, something you always say that you're just like, you know what? What is that actually covering for? Check your behavior. Go through the RAIN process as you walk through whatever you're doing to avoid the thing you know you should be doing and loosen its grip. The life and the work and the love on the other side of that is absolutely beautiful.

[00:26:08] I'll see you guys next time. And there you have it. Another step closer to removing what's been blocking your path. Remember, you already have everything you need inside you. Sometimes it just takes finding that one domino that's been holding back the rest. If today's episode helped you identify even one barrier you're ready to remove, then we're making some serious progress. To keep the breakthroughs coming, hit subscribe so you never miss an episode

[00:26:36] and visit rebeccamountain.ca for additional resources to help you bridge that gap between knowing and doing. This is Rebecca and you've been listening to For Barriers to Breakthroughs.