Anxiety, Dementia and Care Partners with Pete DCalke

Lisa, welcome everybody to a brand new episode

of The Truth, Lies, and Alzheimer's Show. And I'm Lisa

Skinner, your host. I'm really, really excited about today's

discussion, because I have a very special guest here with me

today. His name is Pete DCalke, and he actually is the host of

his own podcast called Pete Versus Anxiety Podcast, and

interestingly enough, I met Pete at a national publicity summit

where probably 80 or so of us were introduced to podcasters

and television producers and things like that to hopefully be

invited onto their platforms to have a discussion, and Pete and

I discovered that we had something very, very, very much

in common. He's had two of his grandmothers who have been

diagnosed with one of the brain diseases that causes dementia.

So we hit it off immediately, and then we decide he decided

that June would have been a great month, was a great month

to have me on, because it was Brain Health Awareness Month,

and we're dedicated the episode in honor of his two

grandmothers, but let me just tell you real quickly about his

podcast, he hosts a very bold and uplifting weekly podcast

that tackles the realities of mental health head on. Each

episode dives deep into meaningful conversations,

blending heartfelt storytelling with expert insights to break

down stigma and spark connection. Is any of this

sounding familiar with my podcast. Yeah, so across the

board I think we can all agree that whatever it is that's

causing a person's anxiety, there definitely is a connection

between, you know, the other things that are going on in a

person's life and Alzheimer's disease and dementia, you know,

caregivers, family members, they experience one of the highest

burnout rates from caring for people who are living with

cognitive impairment, it's so, so difficult because you lose

the ability to communicate, and it just makes it so, so

difficult. So, we're going to start off by welcoming Pete, and

I'm just so, so grateful that you were able to come onto my

show, and we can talk about this further, but why don't we start

off by you sharing with us the experience you had with your two

grandmothers, and why this has, you know, really resonated with

you and this topic.

Well, you know, when, when they were going

through it, it's hard to watch, because you remember what they

were at one point, you know, sweet, loving things like that,

but then you, you start to realize that they forget who you

are, and it's like you have to constantly remind them, hey,

I'm, I'm so and so, which, you know, a lot of us thought it's

just okay, getting old, but it's not, but their situation was

even worse, you know, I remember hearing stories. My sister

stayed with one of them, and she was trying to kill her in the

middle of night. She was literally just chasing around

the house, like, you know, kind of thing. And I'm like, uh,

yeah, that doesn't sound great, you know. Underneath the

grandmother was chasing your sister around the

house, and she really felt threatened.

Graham, Grandma was thinking that Grandma Neal

thought that my sister was somebody she didn't know it was,

because she forgot, yeah, she, she just,

that's very tall,

yeah, she had no idea who she was, so she's like,

I heard I heard a story where my sister was telling me she had to

put locks on the door at night because she was afraid she'd get

up in the midnight, not realizing who she is, and try

and do it again, I was like, you know, and it's, it's always like

you hear these stories, but like, we, we covered in our

episode, like, you know, not a lot of people have a lot of

information about these things, you know. Yeah, and then my

grandma, Betty, on the other side, she, she had really bad

memory loss, so she started really forgetting whoever was,

so we had a memory book that we had put together for her that

she could remember who everybody was, so we all contributed to

our own things, and you know, we all remember her, you know,

she's always welcoming, always doing different things for us to

make us feel welcome to come visit her, and things like that,

but the watcher slowly deteriorate, it was just, it was

hard, because it's like, you know, the person who you knew

she was, she's not that person anymore, she just kept

forgetting who everybody was, little by little, and you know,

the book was a nice kind. And reminder, and when she passed, I

actually have the book in my own, my own way of things. I

have all this, all the books, and all the pictures and stuff,

they're in there. So it's really cool. So I can look back on it,

you know, show it to my kids, and be like, because they didn't

get the meter, you know, they just knew, like, my mom,

grandmother had passed, didn't know really north, because they

were still kind of young. So it was like, this is a good way to

remember who she was,

that was her legacy that she left behind for

your children, so her memories will live on indefinitely. That

was a great idea. So, Pete, let me ask you this, because a lot

of over the 30 years that I've been helping families, a lot of

them have said to me it feels like I have lost my loved one,

not once, but twice, because when they're still with us, they

can't remember us, and they lose themselves, they lose the

ability to recognize their loved ones, and then they eventually

pass, so it's like we have to really go through the experience

of grief twice. Does that resonate with you? Did you feel

that way at all? Can you,

yeah,

can you kind of expound on that for

us? It's hard, because you know, remember now,

if you, you were when you're a kid, you remember her being

someone else, and now, now here as an adult, you understand

these things, but you're watching her deteriorate. So,

you've already lost the original person you saw, and now you're

seeing this new person who has no idea who you are and can't

remember things, and has moments where she doesn't even know

where she's at, freaks out, and things like that too. I know a

friend of mine in Canada, she stays with her dad now, and he's

the same way sometimes. She says he has episodes and things like

that, you know. And it's hard because you know you really do

lose them twice, or like I said, you're losing the original

person you knew and you all grew up with. To now she's she's

somebody you can't even remember your own name, and you have to

constantly remind them, like, hey, this is so and so, and even

at that, she still may not even remember you after you've been

reminded them of that, too. You know, it's tough for a lot of

people to understand. And then when they pass, then you, it's

like you're grieving twice, because the person you remember

her to be versus where she was at when she, she eventually

passed. You know, that's why when people pass, like I always

tell them, just remember the good things that they were. So,

you know, that's that's the lasting memories we all try to

keep, or the great things that they were, not what,

unfortunately, it happened later on, where you're slowly losing

them, and they're losing it themselves, you know. So, you

got to constantly play, you know, hey, listen, remember,

this is, you know, it's stressful at times, because you

don't know when it's going to happen, and with anything, it's

hard, you know, you got, you go to that moment where you're

like, you know, it's unpredictable with most

conversations, go to, you know, it's very unpredictable, you

know, you can't predict when they're going to do something,

you know, and you'll have episodes and things like that

too, and you just got to kind of play it by ear,

yeah, and I've had a lot of adult children and

partners of people living with dementia, they say that's one of

the worst hurts that exists. It cuts to the core when your loved

one doesn't even recognize you as their spouse or their or your

mom or their dad, but I think one of the things that we just

have to continue to remind ourselves, and you mentioned it

earlier that the resources are limited, and the information is

limited, and that's why I always, always emphasize, learn

as much as you can about what it's truly like for people to

live with these neurocognitive diseases that strip us of our

cognitive abilities, because this, what we just talked about,

you and I, this is part of the disease.

Yeah,

and I think a lot of people who don't aren't

expecting it or not quite wrapping their heads around that

concept, they just feel so hurt that this person that they've

had a relationship for a very, very long time all of a sudden

doesn't know who they are, so it does. I don't know that it makes

it any easier, but if you can constantly remind yourself that

this is the disease that you are experiencing, that you are

witnessing. It might make it a little easier to accept.

Yeah, yeah. What would you say

to that?

I'd say be very sympathetic, you know.

Understand, like you said, you know, we have all these great

devices on our hands, but we can't take five seconds to learn

what these people deal with, you know, it's similar, like when I,

when I deal with people, I talk to me about BPD, it's like take

time, the same thing, learn what these people are going through,

I think those are all great points, you know, like take 10

minutes and realize that you know this ain't about you

anymore, it's about them, like once you understand what they're

going to be going through, prepare yourself, and like we

just. There weren't a lot of information out there, and it's

crazy that there isn't, like, it's like this has been around

for a while. We all things like this have been happening, but

we, there's still not a lot of knowledge that's known about it,

you know? Or we're not educating enough people, or people don't

even, don't even take five minutes to look for this, you

know. The internet being a fast place, you go to Google, type

in, you know, whatever you're looking for, and you'll have

access to everything at your fingertips, but nobody wants to

do that, because their first reaction is, "Oh my god, they

forgot me. But it's like I said, it's not about you anymore, it's

about them now. You have to understand that that person you

once knew is going to slowly deteriorate, and it's going to

be a rough ride. It's never easy. It's just like having

cancer, and you went the same way. These people are going to

deteriorate little by little, and you're going to have to

prepare yourself for what may happen next, because you don't

know when they're going to leave you at any time, and it is hard.

It's never easy losing people.

No, so this probably hits close to home for

you, because you host your own podcast and live in the world of

anxiety from a lot of different perspectives, right? I don't

know how much, how many people that you speak to are actually

feeling anxious and nervous and frustrated because they are,

they really are experiencing the world of dementia, but I think

it's all interrelated, so I think we'd all love to hear more

about how you help people and the types of, you know,

predicaments that your clients, your listeners come up against,

and the professionals that you have come on your show as

guests, because I think that there's a common thread with all

of us, no matter what's causing the anxiety, so let's, let's

speak to that, because they hear me all the time about dementia,

but you know, we're kind

of

approaching this from a completely different

perspective, and I can't wait to hear how you have seen that,

that this topic is, is really, they're, they're interrelated.

Yeah, they are very much interrelated, like, you

know, you have to think that a lot of people go through

depression as well, rest of losing people, things like that.

In the show, we've covered God, we covered everything. I, when I

did the show originally, I set out to have the conversation to

break the stigma about mental health. Later on, I decided to

go even bigger. I'm like, you know, what? Let's invite the

most interesting people I can find, different stories, you

know, and just start to understand what some of these

people deal with, you know, like BPD was one. I had an expert

come on, finally, Dr. Jenny Bellinger came on, and we were

talking about that, and it was an interesting thing, because I

was actually in a relationship with somebody, and I was talking

to her about it a little bit, about what it, what it was like,

because a lot of people demonize that as well, you know. Then

we've had somebody come with OCD and explain to you that OCD

isn't what you think it is. All these little cute comments of,

oh, I'm so OCD, it's really hurtful to them, because you

have no idea what these guys are dealing with, you know. There,

there was a girl last season, we had, she was like, we were

starting to talk about something else, and she got into the

story, like, once you hit record, this thing goes

anywhere. She went down the story to tell us that, you know,

something happened when she was six years old. Didn't know about

it until she started doing hypnotherapy, you know. And then

we got into the whole conversation about that for 50

minutes, and it was like it's an emotional roller coaster. It's

rough, you know. And my anxiety levels through the roof, because

I'm like, oh God, where is this thing going next? Because you

don't know where these conversations are going to lead

you to, you know. You just kind of add the, you know, when you

hit record, when we're doing the show, it's like, get ready,

because we don't know where this is going to take us, depending

on what it is they're dealing with. I've had people come on

with DND, which it used to be called multiple personality

disorder, and those were interesting individuals as well,

because if you watch them, it's more of a small little ticks,

and things like that, you know. They, they talk, you know, you

have to notice these things, but after a while, you know, I start

to understand, like, where a lot of these conversations are

going, so I can anticipate a little bit of where we may go.

But there are some that have left me speechless for a little

bit. I was just like, whoa, wow, because it's this, this is

someone's life they went through. There's people that go

of season one or season three's first episode. She came on and

she dropped the bombshell on us. She called me drug addiction,

everything under the sun. This one had been through everything,

and then told us, you know what? What she tried, she tried to

take her own life and described exactly how she did it.

Everything else, you know, it's like you get into those

conversations and it gets intense, you know. And you know,

some days when I'm, I'm recording like five or six of

these episodes, it's like it's a rough day for me some days. So,

sometimes I have to check out and reschedule things, which,

you know, it's great thing about pre-recording stuff is I can,

hey, listen, I'm not, I'm not gonna be able to give you 100%

Pete. You know, and usually it's because I've gotten into an

intense conversation of narcissism, and some of those

other ones are really hard for me to get through those

conversations, are tough, because I lived through that

stuff.

It's like, you know, you're reliving it in your mind as

you're going through these things, you know, and these

people are telling their side of the story, how it is for them.

And when you start relating to a lot of them, and it's like, it's

tough, because being an empath, I feel a lot of those emotions.

I know most places I can feel the energy of everybody around

me. And things like that too, and it's, it's raining some

days, you know. I love what I do. I love what I do, though.

Don't get me wrong,

I totally relate to what you're saying, Pete,

because I absorb people's emotions too, and I have my

entire life, and it is draining, and it's not something that we

really have control over. I don't think there's an off

button. It just, it's just, it is what it is, but it's some

people say it's a gift. I don't know if I consider it a gift,

because I mean it's you

understand things from other people, you're more,

you are attuned to what people are telling you now. There's

ways to protect your energy. I've had a lot of energy healers

come on, and different people do energy work type things have

told me different tips on ways to protect your energy, so if

you go somewhere you don't feel the strain, but it's still a

conversation at the end of the day, you're still feeling your

emotions of what's going on. These people are coming on and

telling you their stories about what they've been going through,

and some of them, they really pick at heartstrings. I think

the only time I've ever shed a tear in the show, was I was

talking to a woman named Tiff Carson during the first season,

and she was talking about her brother and his drug addiction,

and it was, it was rough, it was a rough story to listen to, you

know, and I was choking up on the camera with her, but I was

like, it, because you feel it, these people are telling you

about what is going on, and it's, it's crazy, because, like,

at the same time, you know, it's like you don't know what people

are going through, because if you look at it like the internet

now, most people will tell you that everything's great, but

really the vaccine, it could be a complete mess, because no one

wants to talk about these subjects, and it's the whole

idea of the show was just that to create that safe space where

people come in and we could talk about anything, and you're not

being judged, because I understand a lot more than most

people do, you know, I've been there for a lot of these things.

I've been through my own journeys of things too.

We have covered a lot of mental health conditions

that exist and people live with day after day after day. We

talked about multiple personality disorder, we talked

about narcissism. We talked about OCD. If there is one

thing, or maybe a couple things, that you've learned as you've

mentioned that you've lived with a lot of things yourself,

experienced it. What would you want the listeners who are tuned

in today to know about living with one of these mental health

disorders? What they should do, what they shouldn't do. I know

that each condition is different, but there's a lot of

commonalities between them too. So, what, what would you say is

the most important piece of advice you could give people who

don't know what to do, they don't know how to deal with

whatever it is that's causing their anxiety?

I absolutely love this question. You know, since

starting the show, I've learned a lot of things. Breath work,

for example, is really great for those moments when I feel like

my heart starts racing when I know I'm close to an attack of

some sort. You know, just, it's real simple. You breathe in, you

know, all these kind of things. You know, I do journaling as

well. Joining is really great. Just get the thoughts out of

your head. Basically, it's the idea behind this. You know, I

meditate a lot, too. You know, a lot of people tell people I

meditate, talk to my inner child, you know, and things like

that helps, you know, reduce that thing. But, you know, I can

tell a lot of times, I can tell when it's coming, because I know

what science looks for. If you're experiencing anything

like that, my first suggestion is choose to get some help. You

know, we all are out there dealing with these things, but

if we don't know what you're dealing with, it's the hardest

part. You know, you know, don't don't feel like you're alone

either, because there's plenty of us out here that deal with

things that you'd be amazed a lot of people don't tell you

about, you know, and things like that too. You're not alone,

honestly, and it's okay not to be okay. You know, you hear a

lot of people say that, but it's really the truth, is that it's

okay not to be okay, you know. If you don't know what it is

that you're dealing with, you know, and then you find out how

better to attack it, you'll find that your life will be a little

bit better. I push it off for like 39 years, I didn't even

think about it, you know. I had an incident happen, always 10,

it caused these things to just build up, you know, and it was

horrible, but now I have better control of it, people come up to

me and tell me how different I am versus what I used to be, and

oh, they always ask me what I did differently, and it's like,

you know, now that I dress my anxiety and everything else, I

don't feel so, you know, I don't feel like it takes control of

me. So, with the idea of the show, like it's called Peep, for

it's anxiety, because every day I battle my anxiety, some days

I'll wake up, and it's full flight, it's full throttle.

Sometimes it's not, you know. Sometimes I could wake up in the

middle of night, and wake up, my heart's racing, and I can't go

out to sleep, but it's like the trigger that something's going

on. I need to be alert of, you know, turn it into a superpower,

like I did. You know, like, you know, if it wasn't for me having

anxiety, I wouldn't have this show, but have this opportunity.

People like Lisa, and everybody. Else I've met through all this

time doing the show, it's been great. I make new friends all

the time. I have new podcasts, friends I have too. I have other

people that go podcasting because of me, and you know they

ask me all these different things. But understand, you can

expand your toolkit, you know, there's plenty of things you

could do out there. I have an anxiety journal friend gifted me

in the beginning of this show that I use too. It helps make

your thoughts retreat, redirect your thoughts other places, you

know. Sometimes people could see me talking to myself out loud,

and it's like, well, what are you doing? It's because of

getting the thoughts out of my head. I used to do what I call

downloading my brain to people, too. I'd send sound clips and

just random thoughts coming through my head, and it'd be

complete gibberish. And my friends knew what I was doing,

because they're like, if you get a message from Pete at two in

the morning, and it's just a wave file, you know. Exactly

what you're about to get, it's probably just complete chaos,

but it's the thoughts are going through my head, and if I get

them out of there, they won't be bouncing around and cycling

through, and things like that. You know, and we all deal with

it differently,

you know. I think a lot of people, I think a lot

of people listening to this today can completely relate to a

lot of things that you just described, we are running out of

time, but before we wrap, I just want to ask you one more

question, because I think you're an ideal person to address it.

What is your feeling? You probably have a lot of people

who you mentioned it earlier in the conversation, what, what is

your, what are your thoughts about repressed memories? Do you

think it's a real thing, because there's a lot of controversy out

there about it. I personally believe it is a total real

thing, and it happens to a lot of people. But what are your

thoughts on that?

I agree with you, I think it is a lot of times, you

know, they talk about the brain cuts off these memories, and

they're still there to

protect us,

exactly

ourselves. Yeah, I

think it's, yeah, it's got to be yes. Because if

you think about it, the way that works is that the brain cuts it

off and it goes to your subconscious, and then your

subconscious is where a lot of that stuff will be, you know, a

lot of people don't realize your subconscious is way more

powerful than your, your other parts of your brain, and things

like that too. But that's why hypnotherapists, when they go in

there, they have to be careful, because these memories are in

there, and they unlock them, and then you find out that, okay,

when something happened, that my brain cut off, but my body

remembers, you know, and a lot of times, you know, like, how do

you explain that to somebody? Then exactly what is a reprise

memory? Because it's there, it's still there, it still exists. It

just, you just don't remember it, because they cut it off to

protect you.

You know, that reminds me of a lot of examples

that I've used in my show of be careful not to correct somebody

who is having a delusion or a false belief, and a very common

one is that your loved one might tell you that their spouse or is

waiting for them at home, but they really passed away years

earlier, and they're telling you this, and can you imagine this

is reminding me under the connection between that and

repressed memory. If we try to correct our mother, let's say,

and say, "Mom, what are you talking about? Dad passed away

five years ago, and she believes wholeheartedly that dad's

waiting for her at home. You might be telling her something

that actually throws her into a panic. Like, what are you

talking about? What happened? He was fine when I left him this

morning. Now you're telling me he's gone. So be careful with

the correcting, because I want to emphasize, if they're telling

you something that doesn't make any sense to you, they believe

it wholeheartedly. This is their reality, even if it's temporary.

She could snap out of it in the next minute, and you know, come

back to the same reality that, that you know you're living in.

But if she's telling you that something, she believes it at

the moment. So, I think that this is probably another example

of, you know, a professional needing to work with somebody

very carefully and very cautiously who actually has

buried something into their subconscious, and when it's

brought to light, you don't know how they're going to react to

it, right?

No, I agree 100%

Yeah, so anyway, this is a great place to wrap

this conversation up. It's been extremely insightful, extremely

powerful. I hope a lot of people, these picked up some

golden nuggets from it today, but thank you so much, Pete, for

coming on the show today. Where can people find you? I think

that you probably have some people that want to check you

out and listen to your podcast after today's episode,

right, guys. Very simple, Spotify all the way down

to iHeartRadio. Pandora, I'm everywhere. You can find your

podcast at YouTube, if you prefer the video version of it.

If you need to, just go to Pete vs Anxiety podcast.com but I'm

on every social media site possible, so you can find me

anywhere. I made it accessible to everybody, because there's

that. Oh, why use Amazon? I'm everywhere, probably see you.

I'm everywhere I could possibly be at this moment.

That's great to know. So great resource for

people, caregivers, family members dealing with anxiety

every day. Now you have another resource to turn to to maybe

help you through that aspect of being part of the dementia

world. So thanks again for being here, everybody. Thanks again,

Pete, for coming on and contributing your valuable

insights to us. And I'll be back next week, everybody, with

another brand new episode of The Truth, Lies, and Alzheimer's

Show. I'm Lisa Skinner, your host. And have a great rest of

your week. Try to stay happy, try to stay healthy, and we'll

be back next week with another episode for you. Bye for now.