3 Keys To Overcome Resentment Towards Your Ex

The first one is really sitting with the impact,

right? I can choose to drink this poison over and over and

over again, and every time I feed the story, I am choosing to

drink the poison. So, if you are currently in a dynamic with your

friends where you talk about your ex and how toxic he is, and

your friends are little saboteurs are getting off on

like what's he doing now and who is he with now and drama drama

drama and your friends are exacerbating this challenge with

your former partner and you are getting off on having them

support you in the story you are not taking responsibility my

loves and that is one of the ways that you are staying

trapped in resentment and drinking poison, and expecting

someone else to die. So you have to really decide: Do I want to

drink poison every day forever? Hello, beautiful. Welcome to the

New Truth Podcast. Kate Harlow here. I am very excited, feeling

excited and tender to dive into this topic with you today of

resentment. It is so common of all the women I worked with over

the years. Everyone has someone they're holding on to resentment

towards. So if you identified with the title and you came into

this episode because you're feeling resentful towards your

ex, you're finding yourself still in conversations about

your ex, maybe you have kids together and you're navigating

that journey. Maybe he has a personality disorder or some

really challenging saboteur patterns, or she, and or maybe

it's someone else in your life that you're resentful towards.

Resentment is such a big way that we hold ourselves in

captivity, and I say this with so much love. It is not easy to

let go of the feeling of resentment and the story about

what happened when someone hurt you, when someone showed up in a

way that didn't feel congruent with who you thought them to be

or how you imagined the story might go. So it's such an

important topic, and and yet I know that for myself and the

women I've worked with over the years, when we learn to perceive

things differently, we can absolutely create a whole new

world for ourselves. And you know, one of the one of the

quotes that I heard on resentment a long time ago

really stuck with me is when you hold on to resentment, it's like

drinking poison and expecting the other person to die, like

you're expecting the other person to be impacted because

you've been impacted by their behavior, and so this keeping

the story alive, gossiping about them, talking with your friends

about them, being in the drama of the story, which the saboteur

loves to do, that might feel good in the moment, but what

it's actually doing is keeping these these feelings that are

incredibly toxic to your body trapped inside of you, and toxic

feelings can turn into ulcers. They can turn into, you know,

Crohn's disease, any type of disease, autoimmune diseases,

cancer, you know, heart disease. Emotions that are trapped in our

body are absolutely become absolutely toxic, and the only

way emotions get stuck in the body is when we're stuck in the

story, holding the feelings in the body. So the three keys

we're going to unpack today, so that you can stop carrying this

feeling with you. And there's a part of you that wants to hold

on to the story. I will start there because absolutely

everyone's saboteur wants to hold on to the story that I am

right and the other person is wrong, and especially if it's

we've been through something incredibly painful, it's really

hard to release the story to relinquish the story. But I

promise you, it's going to serve you. So stick with me here, and

you know I have so much compassion.

I had so many situations in my life where I held on to

resentment for a really long time, and I was so determined to

hold on to it because I, I felt like it was wrong to let it go,

and and then as I started really having my awakening and doing

healing around my heart and and wanting to experience new love

and wanting to experience high quality relationships, bringing

the resentment of the past with me into the future relationships

didn't it didn't serve me, and it took me a while to figure

that out. So I'm hoping you figure it out quicker.

Definitely join us in the starting over weekend if you're

not already signed up. If you have any hooks, even if you

broke up 10 years ago, but you're feeling like that

relationship impacted you. The starting over weekend that we're

doing october 23 to 25th. It's online. It's going to be on

Zoom. An amazing group of women from around the world, really

intimate experience. Eight to 1030 Pacific. Probably it'll be

longer than that. Probably three hours each morning. Friday,

Saturday, Sunday. So block off three hours, and it's going to

be a beautiful place of practices and healing. And I'm

going to walk you through a process to help you really shift

gears and start to utilize heartbreak or you know hurt from

the past and use it as a catalyst for your own benefit,

for your own growth, right? Because otherwise, you're

suffering. Meanwhile, this other person hurt you, and and you're

just like swallowing the story over and over and over again,

and perpetuating your own suffering. It really, truly is a

self fulfilling prophecy. And I'm not saying I always say to

the heroines I work with that this path is not easy, but it's

quite simple. So your saboteur will will try and kick and

scream and fight every step of the way. You'll have some reason

why this person's worse than the others, and I can't I can't move

through this. I can't heal this, but you are never upset for the

reason you think. So this person that you attracted, there's a

reason you attracted them. They mimic someone from your

childhood, there is some dynamic that's playing out, and this is

actually an opportunity now for you to heal the wounded little

girl inside of you. The little girl inside of you has been

wounded many times in the past, but your saboteur will hold on

to the most recent story or the most you know painful story, and

she'll just tell you that that's that that's what caused your

pain. That that's what made you not trust men or not trust life.

But every single trigger that we have has roots, and typically

they they have roots way deeper than we can see, right? Because

somewhere along the line, we stop believing in ourselves.

Little girls believe in themselves. They love

themselves. I watch my niece Ronan. She's four, and she loves

to just like stare at herself in the mirror, and she like sticks

her belly out and she rubs it, and she's like thinks she's

amazing. She just loves to watch herself, and I just think of the

the tragedy of how we go from that to women barely even

looking in the mirror. Now we look in the mirror just to

criticize ourselves, just to fix something, right? Spend half a

second there, or five minutes there, or five hours there,

changing what we look like, rather than really being with

ourselves. So somewhere along the way, things happened when

you were little that had your small self shape an identity.

Like I'm not lovable, I'm not enough as I am. I'm not good

enough. I'm not worthy, I'm worthless, right? And so that's

underneath all of the behavior. So when we go and choose a

partner, it's not if you've chosen toxic relational

dynamics. It's not you that chose that partner. It's your

small self. It's your saboteur and the wounded little girl who

are looking to prove to themselves in the world, to

yourself in the world, that you're good enough, that you're

lovable.

So, like, hey, this narcissist comes along, wines and dines

you, tells you how beautiful you are, love bombs the shit out of

you, tells you you're the one, and they want to marry you, and

you end up marrying them, and then they turn out to be crazy.

How did that happen? A wounded little girl was like, "Look, I'm

lovable. Finally, this man's handsome, and he looks exactly

like the the stereotype of what I've been programmed to believe

is an ideal partner, based on the Disney movies and the rom

coms and all the toxic relational dynamics we we

admired as children. You know, like Big and Carrie on Sex and

the City. Like he was an absolute narcissist, and that

relationship was glorified. Everyone celebrated when she got

back together with him at the end of that series. If you were

into that series, maybe you didn't celebrate it, but most

people did because he was the one that got away again and

again and again, and he was the one her heart still loved. But

if I was to unpack that dynamic, that was her wounded little girl

and her fantasy addict saboteur that kept getting into that

dynamic with him. So this is where we went wrong, right? We

have a program, we have an idea of what love is supposed to be,

okay? And so in the beginning, we and you've heard me talk

about this on the New Truth, no doubt, many, many times. Like in

the beginning, we just set out on this journey to look for the

one, right? Prince Charming, the love of our lives, our husband,

the one forever and ever and ever. And we all we want to do

is just get to the finish line. You finally find love, whether

it's a healthy person or not a healthy person, and your

saboteur all the way along is projecting onto this person who

they are and how they fit that role perfectly, and how you

finally met that person, rather than really sitting there and

spending time over you know a long period of time, getting to

know them, getting curious. So this is what I call the setup.

Okay, so the setup of the saboteur relational dynamic is

I'm out there dating from my patterns, trying to fill my cup

because my life sucks. This is not necessarily you, but maybe

a. Relate to elements of it, you know. I don't feel good enough.

All my friends are in relationship, and I'm single.

You know, I feel not lovable. I feel like maybe I'm getting too

old, or I'm past the past my prime, or the timeline's running

out, or whatever the narrative is. And so I am going out there

dating, trying to find someone to fill a role in my story.

Right? I have already pre decided that there's a role that

needs to be filled. That we're gonna get married. We're gonna

have kids. We're gonna get a house. We're gonna have a picket

fence and 2.5 children and a dog, and we're gonna live

happily ever after. Right. That's the program. So if we're

going out there actively pursuing the this storyline

before we even have a phenomenal, Expansive

growth-based relationship. The script is what's leading you

into your relationship. So I'm going on these dates, and I

might be feeling amazing. Maybe this guy's really interesting.

Maybe he asks great questions. Maybe he's funny. Maybe he pays

the bill. I feel really good. Maybe he's complimentary. So I'm

on this date, and if I didn't feel totally rooted in myself,

showing up on that date. If I didn't feel excited, expansive,

connected to my own heart, my own pleasure, my own turn on. If

I don't have a life that I love, a job that I love, friends that

I love, an expansive life where I'm complete already. If I don't

have that, and I'm going on that date hoping to feel better,

hoping to finally get love, so I can feel a certain way. That's

why we always want anything you desire to manifest in your life,

or to attract into your life, is simply because you think you'll

feel a certain way when you get it. Right. So most people are

going on their dates depleted in some way, longing and lacking

something, which means your small self has arrived, not your

soul. Your soul is infinite.

Your soul is satiated. Your soul doesn't need anything. It's

never been hurt. Never been traumatized. Your divine

infinite self. That's a possibility to bring that part

of you on dates. But if the part of you that's showing up on

dates is the part who and get engaging into a relationship is

the part of you that is lacking something, and you're trying to

get something, and you're trying to check a box, you're trying to

accomplish something, trying to finish that part of your life.

Isn't that funny? We think it's finished, like you finally meet

the person, and just because you sign a contract, it's like okay,

now that part of my life is handled. Like what? A

relationship is a living, breathing thing that takes a lot

of presence and awareness and reverence and you know

reflections and communication and it practices it takes so

much to keep a relationship thriving, but most people just

think we're it's a done deal, right? So if if I get into a

relationship and I make the other person responsible for all

the amazing feelings I'm having inside of myself when I'm

meeting them and dating them. Guess what? The moment I don't

feel that way, I'm also going to look to them to blame them,

right? So this is the old paradigm of relationship. It's

codependent, right? Codependency. There's all these

books on codependency saying codependency is a is a certain

thing. Most people are codependent in relationship. If

somebody else is the source of my happiness, the source of me

feeling good, the source of my safety, that is codependency,

and that's how most humans do relationship. Only because

nobody taught us anything else. So I'm out there. I'm doing

relationship. I'm depending on this person to feel good, and

I'm loving it, and I'm pedestaling them, and I'm like,

oh my gosh, this guy's amazing. This person's the one, blah blah

blah. And then the moment they don't show up in the same way,

the moment my triggers start arising, my insecurities start

resurfacing, I blame them too, right? Oh, he's not attracted to

me anymore. I wish it was like it was in the beginning, and we

look to them to blame them, and then as we carry on

relationships, we sweep things under the rug. We have fantasy

about our relationship. Maybe post great pictures on Instagram

of our vacation that we, you know, didn't have sex at once,

and we're so disconnected and fighting the whole time. But we

make it look like to the world around us everything's great,

and then the moment something ruptures and something massive

happens, we hold resentment towards that person. Right?

Let's say the relationship comes to an end, the marriage comes to

an end, someone had an affair, some toxic behavior happened at

the end. The only reason this is occurring is because there's two

small selves, aka saboteur patterns, and wounded little

kids in a relationship, right? And most people are dating from

their small selves because nobody taught us how to be

rooted. We were literally robbed of our soul, robbed of our get

natural gifts and being rooted in who we are, which is so

natural to us when we're kids, and then we're thrown out in the

deep end, expected to be in relationship, but with horrible

models of relationships in front of us, you know, very

dysfunctional, celebrating people's longevity rather than

their their actual the health of a relationship. Like I will not

go to a one more anniversary party unless people are actually

in a thriving, healthy, happy relationship where they're

sovereign. You know, have their own lives and their own

experiences, but also share a beautiful love together that

keeps deepening and growing over time. Doesn't mean it comes

without challenges. That's actually one of the greatest

ways to grow. But most people don't know how to grow through

challenges. They just experience them and then shove it under the

rug. Experience them and then hold it against their partner.

So even if you're still in a relationship, and you experience

a lot of resentment. This episode is really important for

you because in this episode we are having a conversation about

how to own your ship, which is of course every episode of the

New Truth podcast.

But my hope is you get become more and more aware of how

you're doing relationships and what part of you is doing

relationships. It's really easy to blame people. We are

indoctrinated with blame. Every single system on this planet is

teaching us to blame each other. Every time you turn on a show or

the news or you watch, consume any media, right? Blame is

everywhere. People are tearing each other down. People are

bullying each other. People are, you know. There's. I. I saw. I

think I maybe I shared this on a recent episode, but I felt so

sad. I saw a Mel Robbins, a woman that had a huge account

who was attacking Mel Robbins and basically saying she

doesn't. She's not following her let them theory, which is her

book, because this because this woman was bullying Mel Robbins

online, and then she tagged her in it, and Mel Robbins deleted

the tag, and so that was her her test on whether she's following

the let them theory, like let let her be bullied publicly.

It's so sad where we are in the world. I think that you know

screens and technology have made people so far have have driven

people so far away from their souls more than ever before, and

so it's easier to bully each other. It's easier to blame each

other. It's easier to to take the higher than thou stance and

and and you know feed stories of righteousness and diss other

people like to to love something and then hate it to to think

something's great and then tear it down to to watch videos of

people being torn down like this is a water we're swimming in

right look at look at politics I am not political I do not

believe in the political system I do not vote because I do not

believe in the system, and yet everyone in the system is

fighting each other. Now I'm not saying don't be political. If

you are interested in it and you it it ignites something in you,

great. But I watch the system from a distance, and I'm just

like, what is happening? You know, like the the whole Donald

Trump won the election, and all of a sudden, all the blue people

on Instagram or Facebook were saying like, "Today's the worst

day ever. Hate won, but then that comment is rooted in hate,

right? So it's like I can hate Donald Trump, and but then I can

blame him for being a hater. Like it's the same energy. I

think the same as a lot of activism. Like if I'm fighting

against something, there's a difference between standing for

something and fighting against something, right? But we are

indoctrinated, brainwashed by these movies and shows and media

and politics and all these industries that keep everyone

fighting each other, that keep animosity at an all-time high,

because when we're fighting each other, we are not in charge of

our lives. That's the bottom line, right? And so, of course,

in our everyday relationships, we want to hold on to blame. We

want to hold on to resentment. Where did you learn how to do

breakups, right? It's it's the same thing as the fairy tale

story of where did you learn to do love and get swept off your

feet and be all high in the beginning of a relationship. We

also learn breakups from the movies, from shows, right? Toxic

breakups. You have to hate your ex. Everything has to be

dramatic, and your saboteur is a drama queen. Your saboteur, aka

ego conditioned mind, loves drama and loves to be right

because we live in this blame based separation consciousness,

right and wrong mentality. If I am looking at what someone else

is doing wrong in that moment, I'm making myself right, and

there's a saying that I heard a long time ago. I don't know

whose it is, but I remember hearing, "You can be right, or

you can be happy. Like you'll never be happy if you're always

fighting to be right, because if you're always fighting to be

right, you're making other people wrong. And if that were

is that if that's where your attention goes, that's where

your energy is flowing, which means inside of you is a toxic

soup. Inside of you is a war.

If you are constantly blaming everyone around you for your

pain, and this is a tough pill to swallow when you when your

saboteur wants to be like, no, no, no, but that person's

really, really bad. And really, really wrong. So, you want to

behave just like them, or do you want to bring change to the

world? Because we truly can bring change. And I'm not

telling you to leapfrog over your pain. That's not what this

is at all. We're going to get to the three keys of breaking free

from holding on or overcoming resentment towards your ex,

because it is affecting you, my love. It is causing you so much

pain, but also it's created more barriers between you and love.

So women long for love, but if you're walking around hating on

your ex, you know, choosing the next guy because he seems safe

compared to your ex, but you don't even really love him.

Like, is is that is that actually allowing you to

experience the love that you know you're here to experience?

You are love, but if you're choosing love from your fear

because of your past, because the past stories are so alive

inside of you, then you're missing out on an extraordinary

experience of love from your sovereignty, when you learn how

to be the sovereign woman in your life, and though she's

already inside of you, that's the heroine becoming the leading

lady of your story. When you learn to live from that place,

the love that's available to you is extraordinary, but it stems

from taking absolute 100% ownership of your pain, and your

stories, and your projections, right? How did you set up the

relationship with with this person that you're resentful

towards? Were you self sacrificing? Were you in

fantasy? Were you shape shifting? Right. Then you played

a part. And here's the thing: everyone plays a part. That's

the sad thing. Some people look way worse on paper, but

absolutely everyone plays a part. I say that's a sad thing,

but it's also the the empowering thing, because once you clean up

your side of the street, you stop attracting people with

really toxic relational patterns because you're no longer

participating in the other side of that dynamic. But also, you

you can change the the dynamic you have with them. So if you're

navigating raising children with someone who is really toxic in

your life, if you heal your own heart and you you actually feel

and and and connect with and love that younger girl who's so

wounded, who's holding on to those wounds, and then you

interact with that person, they are going to have far less power

over you. In fact, they'll have no power over you, and that

dynamic will change. And I have guar-I guarantee you that-not

when you're waiting for it to change, but I've coached

hundreds and hundreds of women who've been co-parenting with

most of my clients over the years have had children, and

I've helped guide so many women through healing their

relationship with themselves, healing their past hurts and

resentments to their ex, and then still co-parenting with

them. That person is in your life for life. You have an

ongoing relationship with them. So if that's your situation,

healing your own pain around that person is essential. You

know, it's it's something you owe to the little girl inside of

you who's still being retriggered every single day or

every single week. But it's also for your kids, right? If you

want to have, if you want your kids to thrive, even though you

have a dysfunctional ex partner, clean up your side of the street

so the dynamic can start to soften and start to change, and

it does. And honestly, the most unexpected characters change

when you clean up your side of the street. It's not going to

happen if you're looking for them to change. If you're if

you're watching for them to change or just waiting, it's not

going to change. But it has blown my mind. I think I say

this every episode. How many people I how many women I've

worked with over the years whose whose part ex partners, whose

partners, whose mother in laws, whose you know boss, whoever

starts to soften and change when they no longer participate in

that dynamic, right?

It's like the politics, like the blue people are hating the red

people, the red people are hating the blue people. It's

hate. You're all doing the same thing, and one's calling it, you

know, more enlightened than the other. But it's still hate. I

actually harass. I think I've shared this before, but I harass

my parents because my parents are the most loving, accepting

people, and they love everyone, and they're really like

diplomatic. They see every side, and they they Canadians don't

typically talk about politics very much, but my parents have

they've kind of dialed it back. I think they're starting to hear

me, but I had a conversation with my dad about it again

because I see them bonding with people over hating Donald Trump,

and I'm like, Dad, it's hate. You're hating this man for being

a hater, and you're doing the exact same thing, and I feel

like he finally heard me, and and there's starting to be a

little bit of a shift. But whatever, it's his journey.

They're allowed to hate whoever they want to hate, but you're

here listening to the new truth because you are devoted to a

path of sovereignty. You're devoted to changing the

narrative. You're devoted to healing the patriarchy because

the patriarchy can only exist if women keep participating in it,

right? If we keep believing it and participating in it

internally, we keep it alive. Toxic relationships keep

existing because we keep participating in them. If I

don't know how to be rooted on dates, and I'm still in fantasy,

and I'm still feeding fantasy stories and then blaming the

person when the flip switches, and I'm powerless, and they're

wrong, and they've hurt me, and they've done something to me. If

I'm a damsel in distress, you know, complaining to all my

friends about that thing happening to me, and I'm not

taking any responsibility, then I'm not a sovereign woman create

co-creating my own life, even when the world is seemingly

falling apart. Even when I mean the the Mother Earth is not.

She's always even if she's struggling because the

destruction from from humanity on Mother Earth, she will always

come back. David Attenborough always says that he's not

concerned for Mother Earth. Mother Earth always regenerates.

It's humans that are the problem, but we can start to

clean up how we're doing it, right? We can start to connect

to our divine selves, just like the birds, just like the bees,

just like the moon and the sea. Like we are, we are part of that

same system. The beautiful butterflies. We are not separate

from nature, and when we're living in harmony with the truth

of who we are, and we hang out there more of the time, doesn't

mean it's going to be all of the time. Your little wounded

human's always going to be with you, but are you going to let

her run the show? Are you going to start to tend to her and let

your sovereign soul lead the way? The heroine of becoming the

heroine of your life-you have choice, and especially now that

you have the awareness, you have choice. So if you don't know

how, I mean, obviously listen to the podcast. There's a million

teachers and mentors and guides out there, but this is what I

guide women to do: how to completely re reprogram what

part of them is leading their lives, because most of us are

leading our lives from protection. Your task is not to

find love; it's to find and remove the barriers you've built

within yourself against love. Right? Most of us live life with

our hearts protected, thinking that that's what we need to do

to survive. That's what you needed to do to survive as a

child. You don't need to do that now. So the three keys to

overcoming resentment towards your ex. The first one is really

sitting with the impact, right? I can choose to drink this

poison over and over and over again, and every time I feed the

story, I am choosing to drink the poison.

So, if you are currently in a dynamic with your friends where

you talk about your ex and how toxic he is, and your friends

are little saboteurs are getting off on like what's he doing now

and who is he with now and drama, drama, drama, and your

friends are exacerbating this challenge with your former

partner, and you are getting off on having them support you in

the story. You are not taking responsibility, my loves, and

that is one of the ways that you are staying trapped in

resentment and drinking poison and expecting someone else to

die. So you have to really decide: Do I want to drink

poison every day forever, and then have all of the impact it

comes with that. Right? It is possible for you to have an

entirely new relationship with your last partner, and or with

your ex, or whoever you're still resentful towards. Your mother,

your doesn't matter. But if you are co-parenting with someone,

even more so, this is for you. You are drinking poison that is

hurting your children too. Not just hurting the little girl

inside of you, but it's also hurting your children. So this

is up to you. You must decide. So step one, or key number one,

of overcoming resentment is deciding: Do I want to keep

drinking poison, or do I want to choose something different? And

the first thing you do is clean up feeding the story, right?

Notice who are all your people in your life that you gossip

with about your ex, about him being wrong and you being right.

Who are those people? Now, intentionally, right away, stop

feeding the story. As soon as someone says, like, "Oh my God,

what's he doing? What's he up to? Have you heard anything? Or

like, "What's he done this week? Did you hear he was dating

someone? Or what an asshole. Like, next time one of your

friends says that, you say, "Thank you so much for your

support. I'm not talking about him in that way anymore. I'd

rather talk about something much more interesting. So tell me

about what you've been up to, or let me share this amazing

podcast or this amazing thing I've been doing-crochet class or

whatever. Right? Like bring the attention back to something

that's empowering. What are your conversations with your friends?

I should do a whole episode around toxic female friendships

because most women are in toxic female friendships. You might

have. Friends that are ridiculously loyal and they're

there for you no matter what, but are they keeping you in your

small self, right? And first off, if they're keeping you in

your small self, you're keeping yourself in your small self, so

you can take responsibility for that. And so many women I've

worked with over the years have transformed their friendships

with even people that they didn't think would shift with

them because they started becoming the heroine in their

friendship. So you can have much more meaningful, deep, intimate

friendships. Because when you feed the story, it doesn't

actually make you feel better. It makes you feel worse. It

takes this problem and amplifies it. It makes it way bigger. So

like you don't walk away feeling better. You walk away feeling

right. And at first, you're like, yeah, I'm right. He's bad.

He's wrong. That's how you feel at first, but then you feel

worse because guess what? That story just went from being small

to being huge. Okay, and now you've slimed yourself with this

energy of this toxic behavior rather than taking

responsibility. So step two is own your part, and own your part

is also an opportunity for you to let that little girl inside

of you who's feeling the pain from that situation let her

heal. Every time we go through heartbreak, we go through

massive rupture, massive change. Like I've worked with so many

women who've been cheated on, that is a gateway. That is a

catalyst. By the time we're done our journey together, those

women are thanking that person for cheating on them-not to

their face mostly, but they're deeply in their hearts, like

crying their eyes out, being like, "Thank you, thank you,

thank you. You cheated on me. It broke my heart. You broke the

trust. You showed up in a way I didn't.

How the fantasy story of how I thought you were supposed to be,

or the idea of what I thought the future was going to be,

didn't line up. You did this thing. You behaved differently

than who I thought you were. It ruptured something so deep

inside of me that I called Kate Harlow or whoever else, and I

said, "I'm showing up for myself now. I'm. This is my time. And

they take that energy of rage, and and anger and heartbreak,

and they start devoting their lives to themselves. So by the

end of the journey, they're thanking the person that broke

their heart after they felt all the rage and felt all the hurt

and felt all the feelings and held their younger versions of

themselves through that, right? You learn to tend to these

younger parts so that you can feel all of the feelings run

much deeper than this thing that happened. Even if the thing

feels so traumatic, there's way more material in there from your

childhood. You don't have to know what it is, but you have to

know how to be able to feel your feelings and let them be fully

expressed without the story, and once they do that, then they hit

the bottom, and the very bottom is thank you so much. This was

the greatest gift of my life, and that leads me to step three.

So step two is owning your part. Step one is realizing the impact

and no longer feeding the story. Step two is owning your part,

aka feeling the feelings, and also like looking at like what

part of my saboteur did that? Like who got into that

relationship? Was I in fantasy? Was I projecting the future onto

this person? Was I projecting who I thought him to be? Was I

was I shape shifting? Was I self sacrificing? Did I do everything

for him. Was I pretending to be perfect perfectionist? Was I

holding in my feelings? Was I ignoring my gut? Every woman

I've ever worked with who's been cheated on, her gut was

screaming the whole time, but she didn't know what it meant,

right? Because the gut doesn't come with a manual; it's just a

feeling. Something's off. But we've learned to gaslight

ourselves through that and just keep convincing ourselves of the

fantasy story in our minds of the relationship, rather than

actually trusting that there is absolutely this divine

intelligence inside of our bodies that is always

communicating to us. That's the heroine, and and as you step

into the heroine more and more in your life, you are going to

start listening to that part of you. That is your sovereign

woman. She is always leading you. She's your compass. But

we've been taught to listen to our tiny little conditioned mind

that keeps us trapped in dysfunctional relationships.

That keeps us trapped in holding other people responsible for how

we feel. You feel shitty because your saboteur is telling you the

story over and over again, and then beating the shit out of

you, telling you it means you're not worthy and lovable and good

enough, and that's why this thing happened to you. That's

why you feel like shit. Wasn't he who broke your heart? It was

you, right? The thing happened was the initial rupture, and

then it's the voice in your head, the lady that lives in

your penthouse suite of your apartment in your mind. She is

the one who's breaking your heart because of the stories,

and she gets her little army of other saboteurs together, and

they break your heart over and over and over again. Keep the

story alive inside of you. Keep the reality TV show alive inside

of you, and you suffer. And then you need to drink wine, or you

need to eat 10s of food, or you need to numb yourself with

Botox, or you need to numb yourself with. Antidepressants

or anti-anxiety medication because you can't handle life.

What you can't handle is the abuser who's in your mind.

That's your saboteur, and she is doing her best to try and

protect you. Your saboteur has great intentions. I don't say

any of this to to make her wrong.

That part of you, your conditioned mind, is trying to

keep you safe based on what happened as a when you were a

child, but as an adult, she is not keeping you safe. Far from

it. She is robbing you of being who you are, of living your soul

divinely led life that you are meant for, rather than some pre

decided story that everyone's longing to check some boxes,

only to wake up one day crying in their closet to realize,

like, oh my God, I have everything I ever wanted, and

I'm dead inside, or I don't even know who I am. That's how most

of us are getting into a relationship. So if that's a

part of you getting into relationship, obviously you're

going to then blame that person for hurting you at the end,

right? You've given your whole your power away the whole time,

so here's where step two comes in. You own your part. What part

of my saboteur engaged in that relationship? Where was I in

patterns? Where was I not taking responsibility for my pleasure

or my pain? Where did I blame that person? Where did I not

listen to my compass? Now the relationship becomes a gift

because now you're like, oh my god, I'm learning so much about

myself, and that's what the starting over weekend really is.

You're going to learn so much more about yourself and about

what part of you is leading relationships and how to heal

that, so you can have healthy, thriving, intimate, beautiful

relationships with amazing men or women. You know, there's a

lot of stories out there, like when your saboteur's in charge,

she's just going to build up more evidence that there's no

good men left on planet Earth. I've met so many women who then

dated the safe guy after, who they don't even feel attraction

to, but they stay in a relationship with that guy

because they're like, "Oh, he'll never hurt me, which is not

true. You're hurting yourself. You get to have an intimate

relationship, someone you feel deep attraction to, someone you

feel deeply seen by and met by, but if you don't see yourself,

if you don't meet yourself, you'll never have that. You can

think you have that. You can be like, "Oh, here it is. I've I've

arrived. I've got it. And then one day you wake up and you're

like, "Oh, it's not it. Maybe it's someone else, but it's not.

It's you you're looking for, my loves. It's you. You are the

one. You are the love of your life, and from that place, you

get to have the most beautiful love. But it's very different

when you're rooted. It's amazing. It doesn't mean your

small self isn't going to still knock on your door and be like,

"Hi, you should be nervous right now, or "You should project a

story. But it's like an opportunity to learn so much

about yourself-it's amazing. So, okay, number three, see the

gifts. Number three, start to look at the lessons from this

person. Okay, number two, sorry, let's go back. Number one, you

realize the impact. Stop feeding the story. Number two, you feel

the feelings. This might involve going back to the story, but

only with yourself in front of the mirror, you rage it out.

Fuck you! You say everything you never said. You unleash. You let

that wounded girl unleash, not to him, but in front of the

mirror. You go crazy. You let it all out. Then you. This is a fun

one. You start with words. Then you turn it into gibberish. So

it's like, fuck you, you asshole. You broke my heart. You

la la la la la, and then turn it into gibberish after you've said

every word you could even ever muster up, and then gibberish is

just like. So you're just making sound with no proper words, but

like still getting the energy out, and then put some music on

and like dance around like a tribal person. Like you know, if

you have a drum, like beating your drums and stomping your

feet and moving the energy of the rage and the pain and the

feeling, and just allow the feelings to keep peeling back

like layers. You might have to do this several times.

I'm not saying this is necessarily just a one and done,

but every time you feel the story arise, go into the

feeling, not the story. Start with the story, move through,

and go to the feeling, and fully express it, and fully feel it,

and fully let it out. And while you're doing that, let your

heroine hold your heart. Let your heroine be the one who's

guiding the process. Right, you're being the banks of the

river for that little girl, so she can express, so she can feel

everything. Then guess what? You're going to feel so much

more than just what the hurt from that relationship. This is

going to be the hurt from your whole life every time you do

this practice. And after you felt everything, and you're at

the bottom, and you're in your softness, you feel your heart,

you love yourself, and you say thank you. But don't say thank

you as a lie. Only say it when you're ready. You might have to

do the process a few times, but wait till you get to the thank

you, because there were gifts in this experience. There were

lessons. I've had so many toxic situations with men in my life,

where at first I was like so resentful, and they were like,

"Oh my God, he's a sociopath, and in this story, and I've been

hurt, and I've been wronged, and I had this. That I worked, he

was a director of a company I worked for, and he like he

stalked me. He told everyone we were in a relationship at my

office, so the men would stop talking to me. Told my boss we

were in a relationship, and the story is much darker than that.

But but it was like a really really intense, horrible time in

my life. But actually, that was the time that led me to my

awakening, and that guy who was super toxic, and I I say

sociopath because he actually completely lied to me for eight

months about who he was, and I found out from his friends later

that that wasn't him at all. He was just putting on a front to

get me. So it was yeah, it was pretty crazy. But that so

sociopathic behavior for sure, like completely changing and

lying about who he was to get something, and manipulating me.

And he was buying me presents, and I was so young and innocent

and and impressionable and trusting. People say naive, but

I think naive is a judgmental word. I was trusting and

innocent, and I think we all were when we're holding

resentment towards that. Like, forget you need to forgive the

little girl in you too that made that choice, right? She did her

best based on who she was and how she saw the world. So I look

back at that story, and for years I felt resentful towards

this man. And every time I thought of his name, I wanted to

throw up. And yet I look back and I'm like, my compass was so

strong when that man was around. As soon as I met him, I felt

sick in my body, and I'm like, "Wow, how amazing that my

compass was so strong. I also finally stood with him for

myself at the end, so that was a part of my learning. He gave me

the book, The Four Agreements, which is mind blowing because

that was my spiritual awakening book, and I like did this man

even read that book? I don't know, but he, this man who is

like seemingly a monster in my story, gave me my awakening

book. So there were like all these threads. When I look back,

I'm like, oh my god! And the owner of that company told was

talking about his life coach at a dinner we were at. I shared

this story on a purpose episode recently, and I was like,

"What's a life coach? And that was the beginning of my my path

towards my purpose. So, because something lit up in my body, so

like I look at this dark eight months of my life, and I now see

it because I've felt it all, I've processed it all, I've

loved myself through it, I've forgiven the innocent, trusting

part of me that didn't know what she didn't know. I can clearly

see all of my patterns in the dynamic.

I can see how I ignored my gut. I can see how I was in total

fantasy because I was like, he's a director of a company, and I

have to be friends with him, even though I feel sick when I'm

around him. I gaslit myself. I drank when I was around him when

we were out of not at work because it numbed the feeling,

so it's like I did all the things because I I was shape

shifting, I was sacrificing, I was ignoring my gut, like all of

these things that I learned, so I can see my part, and then I

can celebrate. Like, wow, I learned so much in that

experience, and would that happen to me now? No, that could

never happen now because I'm sovereign, I wouldn't. I

wouldn't be an attract a person like that. But when I was a

people pleasing, shape shifting little sweetie pie, I for sure

would attract people like that who wanted to take advantage. So

you can see, like it's all part of the evolution. When we zoom

out and stop taking life so seriously, like we've hired,

like this life is just your life as a movie, and you have hired

each character in your movie to help you evolve as a soul,

right? I think some characters come to planet Earth just to

play the bad guys. I think I said this in a recent episode:

to play the villains, to play the antagonists, to trigger the

shit out of everyone, to have people awaken or rise or do

something different. And some people are here to evolve. You,

my love, if you are listening to the new truth, you're devoted

listener, and you listen to other podcasts like this, books.

You're on the path of evolution. You're here to do it

differently, and we must take responsibility. So realize the

impact. Stop feeding the story. Own your part. Fully own it, and

let that let these younger parts of you feel to the bottom. Once

you fell to the bottom, see the gifts. Like, what did I learn in

that experience? What did I grow into? How did I like? What parts

of myself did I meet? Right? There's there's a different way

to look at it. And then send that person love every time you

meditate. They're hurting too, right? Even the psychopath who

seems like they don't have a soul is in pain inside, and

they're playing a part too. But like once upon a time, we were

all children. Every single one of us was a child, and children

are all innocent. We are. We just makes me think of that

Marianne Williamson quote. Quote: We're all here to make

more, make make glory. Oh, it is not our light, and it's not our

darkness that most scares us. It's our light. That one, that

Marianne Williamson quote. I love it. We're all children of

God here to make manifest, here to manifest the glory of God. We

are all children here to make manifest the glory of God, or

something like that. Shine our lights as children do. So once

upon a time, we were all. Shining our lights, we were all

innocent. We were plugged into whatever chaotic family system,

culture, you know, society that we got plugged into, that then

conditioned us away from ourselves, traumatized us in all

the ways. And if you have not done the deeper healing, if you

have not learned to let your heroin lead your life, and your

trauma is still leading, you are going to be attracting toxic

relationships. You're going to be staying in blame. You're

going to be staying in right and wrong consciousness, which just

keeps you separate from your divinity, keeps you separate

from your soul, and separate from the life that's possible

for you and that's meant for you. So much more is possible,

and I have witnessed the most unfathomable situations

transform before my eyes when women take full responsibility

for their parts, it's not to say that you know you're doing it

for this toxic person that you're resentful towards. You're

doing it for you, but it heals the hearts of everyone, everyone

involved. So, if you want to hold on to resentment, you're

drinking poison, and it's hurting you. It's hurting your

family. It's hurting everyone in your life versus taking

responsibility. So that's my perspective on resentment.

I hope this was helpful. I love to hear from you. So send me

messages if you have desires for episodes. Definitely join us in

the starting over weekend. If you still feel resentful towards

an ex, you still feel hurt by a past relationship, and you're

having a hard time moving on or letting love in. Again, this is

your time. Join us in the starting over weekend, October

23rd to 25th, eight till 10:30 or 11 each day. So three hours

each morning, live on Zoom. I highly recommend you get there

live because it's going to be interactive. You're going to be

meeting amazing women from around the world who are really

ready to take ownership of their story and write a new one. This

is your opportunity. I promise it's possible. I've done it

myself. I've guided so many women to do it, and I believe in

you. I love you. Spread this episode to every woman you know

who's so resentful towards her ex, and she thinks it's giving

her some sense of power, but it's actually hurting her and

keeping her life so small, and I will see you next week.