When Life Doesn’t Go According to Plan with Kari Morin | DFS 424

Welcome to Destined for Success. I'm your

host Jennifer Takagi, and today I have the privilege of talking

with Karen. I didn't even ask you, is it Morin or is it Morin?

It's Morin, but my French family members would say

Marin, so you can say either.

Morin, I know, I love that, and I always mean

to ask, and I never do. We are in a super fun event today,

Potapalooza, and so I've had a lot of fun interviewing some

super fun people. And today, Carrie and I are going to talk

about when life doesn't go according to plan, finding

courage, connection, and joy. Anyway, I love this because I

just think younger people often try to plan their whole life

out, and then and then it doesn't like go according to

plan, and the level of disappointment's a little bit

higher. And I didn't really have a plan other than I was going to

go to college because I didn't want a full time job before I

had to have one, and let's see, that was it. Yeah, that was it.

That was it. I was going to go to college and get a full-time

job. That was my plan. That was my plan to the world.

And how did it work out? It

all happened. I got a degree and I worked.

So it did go the way you wanted. It

it did. I just didn't have like where I was

going to work, what I was going to do. I wasn't going to be a

doctor. I wasn't going to be an accountant. Like those kind of

things were very

right. Yeah, I um I we live by this saying in our

family like expectations kill joy because I'm someone, I I

definitely was someone I was the youngest, and there was like

paths to follow, you know. And I thought life was gonna follow a

very predictable path. I mean, I I think I was always like doing

slightly little extra stuff different than my siblings, just

to be spicy, but kind of you know, and also being Gen X, like

I think we just had the dumb luck of being able to say it'll

probably go a certain way. I don't think kids today have the

luxury of that kind of plan. They can't all buy a house when

they want to buy a house. Hopefully that'll change. But

anyway, you know, a predictable path. And like I just

discovered, life had other ideas, and that journey

ultimately led me to the work I do today. You know, I had a

first run at a career that I loved, and and still have like

tendrils of it in my life, but ended up doing what I do because

of the way life unfolded for me as a mom. And so I love helping

women find courage and connection and joy, even when

life looks different than they expected. It's just really been

a joy to become that kind of coach and retreat leader and

writer who supports women on that unexpected journey.

I know because it doesn't ever turn out like

you plan, even though some people really plan. There are

too many unforeseen twists and turns that happen along the way.

Absolutely. So you have retreats, and you're a coach.

Tell me a little bit about what you do and how you show up in

the world.

Yeah, I do have a background. I have a master's in

education, and I worked in nonprofit in schools for a long

time. And in the course of doing that work, especially in kind of

high poverty school districts, I was always so moved and just

really impacted by moms in a lot of these areas. That just if

they don't have the support, how are their kids going to really

thrive, right? And right around that time, my own son had very

hard to figure out health things going on. We didn't really have

a clear diagnosis. We, you know, we were certain he was having

some learning challenges. He was really trying to keep up with

his older and younger brother and doing pretty well. So we

hadn't really pinpointed what was going on there yet. So as I

was transitioning to need to be home more while we were figuring

that out, I just kind of followed my my drive to see like

how could I support more moms and support myself and be like

have the flexibility of working from home. So that led to me,

you know, doing a lot of training and education as a

coach and facilitator in somatic work and habit change, and you

know, really just that path of how to help people connect with

each other and themselves, and feel more supported, and have a

lot more ideas about how to go forward, right, and create

whatever they need to create in their lives, and that that was

sort of a journey in and of itself, like becoming an

entrepreneur while I'm, you know, finding out my son has a

rare genetic mutation that causes uncontrolled seizures,

and I'm parenting his brothers, and so yeah, it was. It was

quite. When I look back, and I'm like, I don't know how I did all

that, but I'm glad I did. And it wasn't at all what I expected.

And I think now, like fast forward to now, being able to

coach from that place, like where I'm chapters ahead in the

same book as my clients, I think makes it that much more

valuable. I know that feeling of isolation. I know that

helplessness you can feel when you don't you don't feel like

you're equipped to know what to do and and like kind of the

support that requires.

And those things happen, and then you're

like, how how do I have the energy to show up? How I want to

show for my family and myself, and the career I'm trying to

build, the business I'm building. I I just can't imagine

that was a lot.

No, it's true, and it's it is hard to accept that,

like you know, things aren't going that way. And I think like

acceptance isn't giving up, or just like, or like giving up on

dreams. Really, it's just where change begins. It's where you

start to really know yourself. Really discover that you know

there's a lot of like squawking all the time that we working

moms or even non moms, like women, just with self care, and

we all roll our eyes. But truly, you realize like you cannot, you

know, you cannot go the distance if you don't figure out how to

really prioritize yourself and and figure out, you know, what

you need just for baseline. And so it's a it's just one of those

moments where it all hits the fan, and you need to figure it

out, and you don't have to be perfect, and you don't have to

know everything.

Well, I love that self care for baseline.

There's,

you know, we there's just this idea that if you're not busy in

doing all the things, then you know you're obviously not. And

what I see with a lot of people in my world is they just let

life happen, and so everything is like, oh, I had no control. I

had no control over this or that or the other, and I have not

been super successful in conveying the the point, so help

me out here, will you, Carrie?

Yes.

You have way more control than you think you

do.

Yeah.

Just giving it over or up or not taking it. I

don't mean control like control freak, but not every single

thing in your life has to just like happen to you while you

just sit there going, well, I don't know,

right? And I look at it as not as much as control as

choice. There are a lot more choices when you're resourced,

and you're not going to get resourced deciding that, like,

well, this is just how life is, right? Like, I think that it's

really important, especially like in my case. But I attract

women who are not just caregivers. Although a lot of my

clients, like whether it's their parents or a family member, are

caregivers. But for some people, it's post-divorce or like a job

change, and and sometimes the divorce and the job change they

didn't want, right? Some sort of loss or big change that can feel

really choiceless, right? That can feel unresourced. So it is

important to first grieve, right, and and not skip over

that because you're not going to get to that place where you have

some control and choice until you acknowledge like this. This

is hard, and and I I need to feel it, so I think there's

that, and because there's just so much need constantly to be

strong, you can't get there without like being tender with

yourself. But then, when you connect with some support of

some kind, and you realize you're not the only one going

through it, when you identify that this is right now. This

isn't forever. When you really, you know, kind of just such a

slight, but it's such an important pivot to see, like, of

all this is happening for me, what's like the lesson? What's

the gift? What's the opportunity? And there, I've

just never in all my years doing this, never, never seen someone

not find something better than than they ever imagined. It is

not a oh you get no joy like that's not it. It is oh you know

what because you're allowing yourself to grieve and feel it

and acknowledge it, you're carving out space for that much

more joy. So that when you do access humor, friendship, and

you know just levity, it's just gonna it's just gonna hit that

much harder, and um and that's the gift in it, I think.

And we all have unexpected things, and I think

that. I had a season in my life with a lot of things happening,

and I came across this book, and this or this woman actually came

and spoke at our at our office, and then she had a book we could

buy, but she was giving an example that she was diagnosed

with breast cancer, and she was a teacher, and so she didn't

know what was going to happen. It was like in those early days

she had been diagnosed, but now she's got to go see an

oncologist and find out, you know, all the next steps. So she

was in her early on the grief and the oh my gosh, now what am

I going to do? What is this going to look like? Yeah,

and she says she walked into the teachers' lounge, and these two.

It's during lunchtime, and these two teachers are talking, and

they're complaining about the kids in their class. And then

she hears this other teacher sharing this story about what

her son is doing that's you know causing a problem, and this and

that. And you know everybody's got everybody's got their thing

going on in life. And she said, "I just wanted to stand in the

middle of the room and scream. Don't you all understand? None

of that's important. I have breast cancer, and she then then

it like hit her that whole judgment of holy crap that like

wait, their reality is their reality in the moment, and that

woman is really struggling with that kid in the class, and that

woman is really struggling with her son, and this one is has

this going on, and so I started equating it to we all are on our

own ladder, but there are no two people in the whole world on the

same rung at the same time, and so like it's it's like yes,

you're in a season. You're not going to be here for long. But

having an expectation that everybody will understand where

you are is unrealistic. Like they're not going to get it. But

but but moving forward with the idea, nobody gets me or what I'm

going through. Of course not. Like in your house, but we, I

can still have compassion for you. I can still have empathy

for what you're going through. But so I think sometimes that

expectation piece.

That's true. When we're in a suffering place, I've

seen this with clients and friends going through divorce

and illness like that. We tend to kind of we can be reclusive

and assume no one wants to be around us because it's a bummer

or doesn't like we can't show up. I can't show up to that

coffee because my my stuff's a bummer. And at one point, I

said, you know, what if you show up and find out everyone else is

going through hard things too, and then like that'll help you,

but also help them to know that like you're not just in your own

little world. And and I say that with such tenderness because of

course it's hard to be going through a divorce. Of course

it's hard to be going through an illness. I make that assumption

all the time that my empty nester friends just don't get

it. They don't get it. And I, listening to what you were

saying, I was thinking, oh yeah, I've been there. Where I'm like,

I hope they're giving, like, I hope they're, you know, giving

me a pass because they understand. Like, I can't

predict when a seizure is going to be. But I also don't want

them to treat me differently either. I want them to, you

know, it's like I want the invitations. I don't want the

invitations to stop if we can't make it, I've been in all those

funny little places in my head, and I'll tell you a quick story.

But like, I believe I'm very fortunate in Portland, Oregon,

to have moved, you know, moved here as an adult and reconnected

with some college friends, and we raised our kids together,

like a play group, right? You know, but they they grew up like

cousins, and we just had the first wedding of that group, and

we were all this like cute little, you know, very rustic

lodge for the whole thing. And it was a small, smallish. I

mean, small, not that small, but and out on the dance floor after

a lot of dancing, my son had a seizure, and everybody saw it.

And we luckily didn't get the. We we made the DJ not stop. We

were like, please don't stop. Like people can keep dancing,

but the amount of people that like actually witnessed it and

saw the way we respond to it and the way we like kind of kept

things calm, and then after some time helping him get up, get

changed, and come back, he was able to dance again. And that

like sharing that with people, we didn't have a choice, but

sharing that with people actually was just such a

beautiful experience for people, and I could look at that as

tragic. But it's actually better that they see it and not feel

uncomfortable about it. So, not to go off on a tangent, but it's

just such a reminder: people don't know what it is, and

unless they see it, and if they see it, doesn't mean they're

going to know how to always respond to it. But it's gonna

help you feel more supported if you are just willing to give

people the chance to be there for you in the ways they can.

Because so many times, if you're clear, they're

gonna show up. But we do like we just do it all on our own.

Yeah, and then we're

like, wait, but nobody was there for me. Well,

but did you tell anybody? Like, did no?

I know nobody's gonna read your mind. I mean, I

have so many. I have so many tips for both parties, right?

Like, please, you know, give people the benefit of the doubt,

and and people are gonna show up differently. And you you get you

can choose to appreciate whatever shows up, or just feel

really abandoned by it. But when you really look, people are

trying. They really are. And then, what I would say to people

who love someone who is going through something hard, you

don't say, "What do you need?" Just show up with something.

Like you know, leave leave some coffee or like go over and do a

load of laundry or just go sit there. You don't even have to

have anything. Just just to be there is is enough, so I'm

always like trying to help people in both sides with that

err on just showing up.

Just show up. I love that. So Carrie, I want to

continue the conversation, but just in case they literally cut

us off and end this, how do people get a hold of you?

Well, I do have a website, carriemarin.com, that

kind of you know goes into my coaching, and there's ways to

reach me and links to our retreats. But yeah, my email is

Carrie K A R I at Crave vitality.com. So that's two

words, Crave and Vitality, and then also you could follow our

podcast on social media, the Things We Know podcast through

all of these places. It's really easy to get a message directly

to me. Oh my gosh, I love that so much. So I

love that you gave us ideas of what we could do. Just show up,

like sometimes paper towels and napkins, right, or toilet paper,

like the little things that. Oh my gosh, we're out now. Now what

do we do? And sometimes it's just being empathetic, right?

Like I know you're going through something.

Yeah. Well, I was just gonna say mine. My

particular one is like in the season that we've been in for a

while, where sometimes seizure clusters happen and I can't

leave the house. Trader Joe's doesn't deliver, but if

someone's going there, just text me. I will give you some things

to get me, and I'll Venmo you right away and just drop it off.

Thank, thank you. That would be great. So like you're going to

Trader Joe's and you know someone who like is taking care

of a parent or going through something, just see see if they

need something. Usually something.

I'm gonna be there anyway, so what? Yeah, I

possibly get you. Oh gosh, Carrie, this has been a great

conversation. Yeah, and I think we probably need to continue it

even more when we're not gonna be just shut

off. I know. I would love to. I would love to do

that. It was

a pleasure meeting you. So, final words for

the listeners.

I would say, you know, joy is not the reward for

getting through hard times. It's what helps us survive them. So,

no matter what you're going through, if you can even just

commit to managing micro joys, whether it's something that

laughs, somebody that makes you laugh, or something that

something or somebody that makes you laugh, a book or a song or

just a friend. Really, truly, you actually have the ability to

create joy in your day, no matter what's happening. And I

am I am saying that from some pretty dark, you know, ER in ICU

visits, like I, I really can speak to that. I'm not saying

it's always lovely, but you can you can achieve it if you want

to. So you know, don't don't put it off or don't assume it's not

for you if you're going through something hard. It's actually

it's essential.

Oh, thank you so much for that, and thank you

for being here.

Thank you.

I'm Jennifer Takagi with Destin for Success,

and I look forward to connecting with you soon.