Becoming the Leader | DFS 409

Okay, I had to I had to start over. Here we go.

All right, so on communication styles, the spoken word only

accounts for 7% of what you say. The tone of your voice accounts

for 38% and your body language and facial expressions account

for 55% of your message. So when you're being a leader, when

you're leading people, your body language and facial expressions

mean way more than the words that you use now. If something's

in an email, obviously it's 100% words, like it's 100% But these

are things that you have control over. You absolutely have

complete control over. So when we're talking about true

leadership, it begins with self-awareness. How are other

people seeing you? How are you coming across? And is it how you

want to be seen? Somebody made some they thought was funny

snarky comment about me the other day, and I was like, "Is

that really how I come across? And the bottom line is, I don't

think it is. I think they were just having fun and being

snarky. But those are the kind of things you have to consider.

Is that really what someone sees? I was being very

opinionated about something, and a friend of mine will often say,

"Tell us how you really feel about it, and my husband said

that the other day, and we were all having this big

conversation. I was like, "Well, I believe blah blah blah, and my

husband said, "Why don't you tell us how you really feel? And

I said, "I don't understand why people say that. I just told you

how I feel, so I'm not really sure. Like I know you're just

being a smart aleck, but what does that even mean? Why do

people say that? I think that's so stupid. I'm pretty clear and

concise. I'm clear and concise on what I'm saying and what I

mean. So that just kind of blows my mind a little bit. But I want

to be aware of what other people think about me, right? And

everybody in the room was being very clear on their opinions on

this topic that we were talking about, and so I don't know why I

got called out. Maybe it's because I was the loudest. I

don't know, but you have to be aware of how you're showing up,

I typically show up as confident, knowing what I'm

talking about, and fairly articulate. That's how I show

up. That's how I see myself, and people reflect That back and

being a great leader, like I'm really caught up in do what you

say you're gonna do. If you say you're gonna turn something in

by end of day, turn it in by end of day. Like those things to me

are very important. If you say you're bringing something to an

event, number one, you show up, and number two, you bring what

you say you're going to bring. All those things add up as a

leader on if people respect you and if they're willing to follow

you. Now, one thing that was like a big learning experience

for me was we don't all show up the same way. I had a boss that

was very loud and very emotional and very passionate, and he

created an immense amount of stress for me because I. I felt

all of that, even when it wasn't directed at me, I felt it. The

next boss I had, I think, he came across as mad at me one

time, and it was so interesting that that was the thing that

irritated him because it wasn't even like technically my fault.

I was like, "Well, how was I supposed to have known that?

Well, but we promised this. Well, did you tell me that?

Like, no. So this is what happened. It was all fixable. It

was all doable. But his mo modus operandi, and how he showed up

was very different. And I'm just gonna say my stress level

plummeted. I didn't realize how verbal abuse impacted me, and

and that's what it is when people scream. And yell and act

a fool, or even if they just raise their voice in you know

high passion over everything, I just want you to know at some

point it impacts everybody who hears it. So is that the kind of

leader you want to be?

When I taught classes for the great state of Oklahoma, we

talked about how you want to show up as a leader, and

oftentimes people would say, "I don't know, I don't know, I

don't know how I want to show up, I don't know what I want to

do, and one way you can do that is make a list of all the things

you hated about past bosses, on how they did things. On

sometimes they drop deadlines on you at the very last minute, and

they wanted it done like three days ago, or they would make you

turn in things three days early, but not tell you why. I used to

get irritated about all the time. The deadline was Friday,

and I would have to turn it in Tuesday or Wednesday, and I was

like, I don't understand this. Someone finally explained to me

they had to compile it from multiple offices and only turn

in one report. They weren't just forwarding what each office

presented. Okay, then I could get less irritated. So what did

I want to do as a boss? I didn't want to scream and yell and act

a fool. I didn't want to be overly passionate about

everything that came in and happened, and I wanted to tell

people why as much as possible. If people understand why they're

doing something and the impact it has on the organization as a

whole, you're gonna get their buy-in. So if you ever feel like

I don't know what I want to do, how I want to show up as a

leader, as a coach, as a parent, as a spouse, as a partner, if

you can't identify how you want to show up. List all the things

you don't want to do, and then come up with the list of

opposite. A lot of times, I've heard that you're not supposed

to focus on the negative. Like, tell me all the bad things that

happened in first grade or whatever, because then you just

focus on the bad, and I don't disagree with that. But what I

will say is, if you can't come up with a positive, solid

solution, if you list the negative, you can language-wise

convert it to a positive. Yelling, speaking in a normal

tone. Unrealistic deadlines, realistic deadlines for the

task. Like you can literally switch that around, and as as

you start becoming more aware of the things that impacted You,

the more you can start to put together a list of how you want

to show up, how you want to be perceived. I've had a lot of fun

over the last several years as an entrepreneur, traveling more

than I ever have before, and meeting big groups of people,

and this one cruise I've been on three times. Many of the people

are the same, new people every year, and it's taken that long

to get to know people because they show up with a whole group

and they're all working with the same coach and they all kind of

stick together. So it can be kind of hard to navigate and

step in and join that group, but the longer I've been there, I've

started to build a reputation for myself, and it's positive

for the most part. I don't have people going around. Ooh, tell

me how you really feel, because that just is such a trigger for

me. But I have started showing up as the 12-minute success

coach, and I'm going to show up on time, and I'm going to

interact with people, and I'm going to be inclusive. I hate

being left out, so being inclusive is very, very

important to me. So as as a leader, and you lead in so many

ways in your life, in so many ways. People are like, I'm not a

leader. I don't have that title. You don't have to have a title.

It's your behavior. It's how you show up. You can decide today

how you want to show up, how you want to be seen, and how you

want to lead others-it's your choice. You totally can. I'm

Jennifer Takagi, and I look forward to connecting with you

soon.