Would You Be Offended? - Tammy Atchley

Welcome back to Your Brain On Positive. All the love and support you need is residing inside of you. And we're going to make it easier to turn it on.

Welcome to Your Brain On Positive and you are going to be offended if you choose. That's our premise. The title of this podcast is is this offensive? Why? Because I want to know if this offends you. Please don't be shy. Let us know. My guest today is none other than my friend, colleague and co worker Tammy Atchley. Hey, Tammy, how are you?

I'm great, Jackie. Glad to be here. I am so

excited to be here. Because we get to cover all of the elements about what makes my life so good on positivity.

What makes your life so meaningful about bullying? And we're gonna bust the myth, because there's a myth in the realm of podcasting that podcasting is the one place where you cannot be censored. Hey, Tammy, why don't you tell your story? Because you were excited. When you told me Hey, I'm gonna be interviewed, you were really, really excited. And you told me the interview went really well. So take us to what happened next.

I told my story. In this other podcast and,

and she was really happy about it, if I remember you told me she said she loved it.

She she did. And before, during, and after, she loved my story. She loved the podcast, and she shared it with some friends of hers. And they told her that they thought other people would be offended by my story.

What happened then

she wanted to either change it or edit it out.

Or redo the the interview. And so

I'm gonna just I'm gonna unpack this, okay, because then you're going to tell us how this landed for you. But first, I want to unpack it. The host of the show was thrilled with the podcast, she was thrilled with you as an interview, ie she was thrilled with how the podcast went.

She loved it after the fact.

And then she shared parts of it with some of her friends.

And her friend said, not that they were offended.

I just want to be really clear. Her friends were quote, not

offended. But her friends said, other people,

the great op in my world, other people may choose might be offended by that, or other people might be offended. So that's what they said. I know what my reaction would be. If somebody told me that. What was her response to them? And to you

didn't call you or email you

emailed me and said that what her friends had told her, and then my, she told me to think about it, and we'll discuss what to do about it. Okay, so so there were three choices, think about it, and we'll discuss what to do about it. The option she gave you first was to edit it to cut out parts of the podcast, because her friends said that somebody else might choose to be offended by it. Her second option was to redo the podcast without that part of your story.

Yes. I don't know about you. But back in the day when I was growing up, they call that censorship. What happened next?

I contacted you contacted another friend of mine and the more I thought about it, the more I was offended

Oh, whoa, that's a cool statement. I love this. Okay, so So yeah, I'm just gonna out myself Alright, so what you called me because I'm one of your mentors. I mean, you're part of the certification program for conscious transformational coaching. And so of course you call me wow, that's that's what I'm I am in your life. But I didn't hear this before this was new information. The more you talked about it, the more you got offended. I'm gonna just out my Sal, because what I told you was to just say, you know, hey, if it's controversial, that's going to be good for your podcast. Any podcast host one, something that's going to be controversial. Why? Because the more people who comment on it, the better. And I, the reason we're talking today, and this is a podcast episode is because I said, Okay, if she doesn't want it, I'll take it. So cool. Take us into that moment that you realize that you were feeling offended.

My life, my family, my story is just that it's mine. And if someone wanted to change that, or delete it, I know, I'm not standing for that. Because this is my story, my life, my daughter. And I told her that in an email that either we put it out as it is, or we don't put it out at all. And that felt really good.

I'm gonna out you a little bit, okay. What's your expertise? What do people hire you to help them with?

To help end bullying in their child's life? What was happening

with this conversation with the other podcast host,

I was feeling a little bullied

to change. And that's not what I teach parents. And that's not what I will accept in my life either.

Just want to tell you how grateful I am and how impressed I am. Because we live in a day in an age where people give up their rights to free speech all the time. And podcasting is being heralded as the one place where free speech exists. And as a podcast host, that means a lot to me. If one of my guests says can you please edit out something you said? And it was because it misrepresented them in some way, which has happened in my intros, I have occasionally said something that didn't match with their exact biography. Right. Yeah, absolutely. But edit it out, because it might possibly maybe offend somebody. Not on my watch. So I was very grateful when you said, Hey, she's not going to release it at anytime in the foreseeable future. Let's do another recording. Let's let's talk about this. Okay, so now we've teased everybody long enough. Hey, Tammy, pretend I know nothing about you nothing about your daughter nothing about anything. And tell us a story.

We,

my husband and I had three beautiful boys. And we decided to become foster parents. And we fostered for about three years, we had about 12 Kids altogether, mostly infants at one time or another. And we received a phone call about this beautiful infant baby girl who we know nothing about nothing about her history or anything. And we went to the hospital to pick her up. And she was six days old. And as I approached the bassinet in the nursery, I saw this tuft of black hair. And, and I thought, Oh, she's got black hair, and this curly and as I approached her, I saw the most beautiful baby that I had ever seen. And we took her home, she became part of our family. And she, she is black. And I, she immediately was part of our family and my boys loved her. And as she grew up, we ended up adopting her and I think she was about three or three and a half, and she was sitting on my lap. And she, I said, You're my little princess. And she says, I'm your chocolate baby.

And we all thought that was so cute. And we you know, I even called her my chocolate baby at home, and she eventually outgrew it and people would chuckle and they would hear that and it was so sweet and innocent. And you know she's 13 Now we don't call her that anymore.

Yeah, you don't get away with calling a 13 year old baby.

No and And so that was the story that I had told that other people said would be offensive. And I see it as one of the most innocent, sweet, adorable things. One of the stories in our life.

What is calling to me? And just if somebody's watching this listening to this on a podcast, what is your nationality? You Tam ? Oh, where are do you came from?

I'm American.

So your family comes from

my dad. I'm Swedish. And my mom English.

So your skin tone is somewhere between on on a scale of one to 10 where 10 is black is the ace of spades and one is white as the driven snow. Where are you on that spectrum?

Probably two or three. One, okay. And your daughter?

Same scale. 10 is black is the ace of spades. One is white as the driven snow. Where's your daughter on that spectrum?

Are we five or six? Okay, so noticeably different? Yeah. Yeah. And your daughter has no meaning around this. It's an observable phenomenon. Compared to you, she looks

like what? Chocolate? Yeah, yeah, compared to her, you look like what? Vanilla. This is just an observable phenomenon. It does not mean anything to a three year old, who's raised in a healthy environment. To some people, though, it means a great deal, and they choose to be offended.

You know, it's funny, because I don't believe people can offend me, I believe that I can choose to be offended. And for a moment, I chose to be offended by the people who've said, other people might choose to be a fifth year might be offended, they didn't say might choose to be because that's not empowering. But they do. The other people might be offended, they weren't doing anything but making up a lie. They don't know that other people will be offended. And they didn't own it, if they had feelings about it.

So lack of ownership of emotion is one of my hot buttons. You know this, if you're letting other people control your emotions, that means you're abdicating your own responsibility. So you listen to all of this, you felt that you owned it. And I had never heard the story of how your daughter came into your life. That's really fascinating for me, because it made me check my assumptions at the door. Yeah, and it's funny, because I've seen your daughter. I've seen your husband. And still in my mind, your daughter had to have come from you having a biracial marriage. But I've seen your husband, I know better. Yeah. But this is the story I made up. And we live in this time where people make up stories all the time. And the story that I made up is, I hope somebody chooses to be offended by this. I'm Hope they put a comment into the chat. Why? Because I want to absolutely out the censorship that is creeping into podcasting. This was this action was not based on the opinion of the podcast host.

It was based on the fear that somebody who may never hear the podcast might be offended by it. Or what I know to be true, if somebody's offended by the joy of a child claiming what was obvious to them that she was compared to your sons or vanilla. That she was your chocolate baby. She felt special. That's what three year olds do. They announce who they are, that makes them special? I raised three daughters trust me. They told me what was it about them that help them feel special? She felt special being your chocolate baby and these other people don't matter? Absolutely. But I'm so glad that you decided that that you said hey, Jackie. Yeah, can I tell my story? Like oh, yeah, let's go tell your story. It funny.

This is the third time today that I'm reminded of theater gazelle. Dr. Seuss. He wrote a little book and he said, Say what you mean, and mean what you say because those Who matter? Don't mind. And those who mind don't matter. So for all of you who choose to be offended by the fact that a child can spot the elephant in the room and has no compunctions, just naming the thing for all of us adults who argue with reality and try to pretend that what's true is not true for fear of somebody being offended. I'd like for you to remember the chocolate baby story. Because out of the mouths of babes will come the truth. And she spoke truth. And everybody else was making up stories. And don't we try to teach our kids not to make up stories?

So let's make up a happy ending to this story. Tammy? How many people do you want voting for the freedom for your child to call herself a chocolate baby?

Everybody?

There we go, how many? Let's put a number on it. We want a number.

Millions.

There we go millions. So if you're listening to the podcast, help Tami's vision come true. Let's stand up for the rights of all children to name the elephant in the room for them to be proud of who they are for them to know that they are special because of what makes them different. What would happen to the bullies on the playground every

child came in with the energy of knowing that what makes them different is what makes them special. And they came into schools claiming that instead of trying to hide it, what would that do in the world? Can

we change the face of the planet? You know, one of my sayings is kindness begins with me. And if if you own that, and spread it into the world, bullying would no longer exist.

Oh mine. If you own that, and spread it into the world, bullying would no longer exist. Let's take everybody there, Tammy, for someone who was not raised to be as honest as you raised your daughter to be about what her truth is what she observed what was true for her, for those of us and I'll put myself in that category. For those of us who were not raised. To be that honest about what we observed. We were taught not to talk about a lot of things without being told why we couldn't talk about things. Or at least that was, what would you say to us? Can be what would you say to us, for those of us that were conditioned, to hide, and to lie, and to be afraid of what other people might think

on your truth. Speak your truth. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. And don't don't hide. Don't be ashamed. Don't be afraid to own it and put it out in the world. You're not responsible for others people's feelings.

I watched a movie once never cry wolf. And this guy's up in Great Northwest, way up north. And he's studying wolves. And he realized that the we're afraid of what we don't understand. And so he packed up his whole kit and caboodle and his to attend and stuff. And he moves right near the wolf's camp. And he you know, and he just he's in their space, so that they can see who he is and what he is. And there are some really funny scenes about how well smart territory and what it took for him to do. What a wolf could do and a half an hour took him even like five hours and 18 cups of tea and came here.

And he marked his his territory the same way that the wolf had tried to mark territory out of there. And the the wolf put their marks on the opposite side from his and they became neighbors. We are afraid of what we don't understand.

What if we could be curious instead of afraid? What if we could be curious about what's different between you and me? Because the two of us are pretty different. You know, somebody's gonna say oh, yeah, but you're both vanilla and I'm like, Yeah, but I'm vanilla with an attitude. And Tammy is just about the gentlest person you could possibly come across. So there's such a thing, as we are all unique. We're all different. When you're working with parents who are afraid that their kids being be bullied or they know their kids being bullied, what's the first step into them reclaiming some peace of mind.

I think listening to your child is very important and having conversations with your child to see how they feel safe and comfortable talking to you, so that if they are being bullied, they won't be afraid to talk to you. And then as a parent, you help end the boy in their life.

There are steps that people can take to end bullying, if they know it's happening, or they suspect it's happening. And we're going to just walk through, you know, your your top three steps that they're going to take, I just want to highlight what you said first, because it is near and dear to my heart. The way to prevent bullying is to start listening to your child before you think they're being bullied, having the conversation possible. So that the first time they don't feel good being around somebody, they feel good, bringing that story to you. We call that listening without judgment. And my daughter, my oldest daughter, Katie, on her podcast, that's one of her pillars is to listen without judgment, it makes it possible for your kids to come and speak their truth, without fear. I love that that's where you started, I think being heard is a basic human need. And we're so busy. We're on our devices, our screens, our cell phones and our tablets and computers, that sometimes I think we are missing out on the best possible preventative in the world, which is simply get to know your kid, let them know that you're curious about them. Even when you're busy.

Absolutely.

So cool. So now your kids told you they're being bullied, Tammy, what's the parents next step?

I think that making sure that they know that you are behind them, that you are there for them, that you will help them. And like you said to without judgment, you know, they can talk to you about anything. And there are ways of helping your child, I am creating scripts that like role playing so that you can have learn how to have those conversations with your child. And and then you can, you know, there's ways of going to have the schools you know, get involved if need be. But it starts at home.

So step one, believe your child when they count, that's what I was hearing in the background of this is Don't dismiss it don't second guess it, don't question it. Believe it after you've assured them reassured them had some conversations with them, the next step that you brought up was getting the schools involved. And there's a lot of controversy about this right now, especially when they created safe spaces. And I can go off on a rant, because I think that the most disempowering idea ever created. I know, that's not the intention. I just think that's the effect, because we're telling our children, our adult, college student children, that they cannot handle a bully on their own, that they have to have us protect them. We have to provide them with a safe space instead of teaching them emotional resilience, and how to handle a bully themselves. And I think the most important thing is what you said get the schools involved, report it every time. Even if they don't do anything even if the school takes no action or the administration is slow. Report it every time get a report incident report in writing. Because evidence is possibly going to be needed. We hope not. But it might be. So the elephant in the room is that parents are not taught to gather evidence. The first piece of evidence is create an incident report in writing get a copy, get the administrator that you reported it to to sign it and if they won't go to their supervisor and get their supervisor to sign it. This is your child.

Stand up for your child I'll just like I want you to stand up for your story. So here's the deal. If our kids know that their parents are behind them, we're not going to solve all their problems for them, but we are going to help them solve their problems. And it is the adults in their lives who are responsible to keep them safe. And bullying is a dangerous place.

So I may not solve your problems when you're 20 and can't balance your checkbook. But when you're 12, and you don't feel safe, I'm there.

Absolutely.

It's a great, great message to me. And it is a marvelous thing that you are bringing forth in the world, helping parents understand that the reality is, yeah, there's a possibility your kid is or going to be bullied, or become a bully, which has to happen otherwise, we wouldn't have kids being bullied, we've got some kids who become bullies, parents need to know how to handle these things that just happen. It is an elephant in the room. So I love what you're doing. I love that you wrote for the book that supports the teen suicide prevention society, because for those of you who don't know, that's my passion project in the world, along with my daughters, along with my friends like Tammy, we're on a mission to end teen suicide. So this is one way to do it. Let your kids be their innocent selves. don't censor them. And don't let anybody censor you. So we're going to

call this Not on my watch. Actually, no, we're not. We're going to keep it as is this offensive? So would you please comment on this episode? Yes or no? Is any part of this podcast offensive to you? I hope some parts of it will challenge you. I hope this idea that maybe you've been censored. Maybe you've been bullied. Maybe somebody's wanting to tell you that not all of your truth is acceptable in the world. Don't tolerate it. Let us help you. Reach out squawk about it in the comments here.

Oh, we got your back. And the

world needs for more of you, Tammy. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for coming on the show today.

Thank you, Jackie.