The Orgasmic Dilemma: The Problem with Making-Love the “Old-Fashioned Way” - Carolin Hauser

Welcome back to your brain on positive. All the love and support you need is residing inside of you. And we're going to make it easier to turn it off.

Sometimes worlds collide, and I meet the most amazing people and we recognize immediately something unique is coming. Well, that's what happened when I met Carolin Houser. Oh, I'm a firm believer in story first facts later. So we're going to jump right into that. Carolin, I am so excited. Please, come into the studio there. You're Oh, good. So let's start with simply sharing what's so good about your world? What is it like in the world? According to Carolin?

Well, first of all, thank you so much for having me. I'm delighted to be here. Well, my story starts a little differently. Because I remember being up in the sky on the heavenly meadow with my peers looking down on the earth, and being enveloped in light and just learning and playing. And one day God came and talked to us and said, Hey, we have a problem down on Earth. Men and women don't get along, who wants to go and help? And without me even thinking of my hands has raised itself. And that bought me a ticket to the earth.

Okay, got it.

And sometimes I'm like, Why did I do this, right? Because, obviously, you had to go down to earth to help men and women to get along. You get exposed to you get thrown into life, which makes sense, that has a lot of relationship challenges. So just a little background of where I come from, I'm from I was born in Germany came to you to the US when I was 26. On my parental side, my mom's side, my grandparents, Gregory, parents, they grew up during World War Two. And so in my mind, I'm starting out a little heavy, so excuse me, but it will make sense and just give you a really good glimpse of how my earthly journey started. So on my mom's side, she had a grandparents only four survived World War Two. So my grandparents were orphaned, very young, or half orphaned. And then on my dad's side, similar story, and then my parents get together. And they try and do their best. But of course, their marriage doesn't last. Because that happening, I leave my home way too soon. I leave when I'm 15 and a half, fall in love madly in love with an alcoholic and anybody who has done that knows what that's like. Keep searching for myself keep searching for answers. Well, well, well, you're

you're you're moving a little faster for me because I want to just highlight something. There's an elephant in the room. The contrast between where you started and where you landed. What I'm hearing is that I volunteered that you volunteered I did to help improve relationships between men and women. And in order to gain those skills. You went through what we're going to call relationship hell.

Yep, pretty much. Okay.

So we'll be peeling back some layers and deep diving into parts of this Carola. But yeah, okay, so continue. I'm with you. Now, we have gone from heaven to hell. Don't keep us there too long. But tell us what hell was like. A typical day, like,

What was a typical day? Well, a lot of fighting a lot of ups and downs, a lot of drama, a lot of volatility, a lot of instability. And, and coping mechanisms, right, like smoking, drinking, all kinds of things to try to deal with the instability. And just yeah, not being able to really be my biggest thing was not being able to really be myself, because my emotions were so triggered all the time. But that's part of the challenge of being human is our emotions. And that's what happens in relationships that are unstable.

What impact did that have on your health and your wealth for you to be triggered all the time? Because we're not talking about positive emotional triggers here. Oh, yeah. I've been net. So I'm guessing we're not talking about positive emotional triggers. You

know, I pretty much spent my life until my mid 30s. Just in survival. I really couldn't figure out what to do with my purpose. I was just getting by. I was constantly just So it really felt like an uphill battle there. I knew I was a very capable and very loving human being, and just trying to make ends meet and having a career anything just for us a total struggle, you know, success in any kind of sense.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So what turned it around.

So after several other experiences like that, finally, in my in towards my end, 30s, I came across scientific research that kind of explained why our relationships were so volatile. And it was very, very different from anything I'd studied. I mean, I had spent my, my 20s and half of my 30s just, you know, in seminars, reading books, and applying everything that I learned about it, which is never, never, never, never work. And so, when I came across this research, it was, it was a mind boggler. And it came to me through a friend who had had found this book, and was skeptical about it, but she knew that I had literally tried everything. And she's basically said, Well, you know, maybe does this the answer? And this has to do with our sexuality, which

I need to know the title of the book. Okay, come on. This has helped me now for for seconds and minutes. And I'm like, God is the book,

the book is called Cupid's poison arrow, right keeper, this, the woman makes us fall in love. And apparently, his arrow is a little poisoned. And the woman that wrote the book, her name is marnya. Robinson, she had a very similar experience and relationships that I had, which they start are great, you're super in love, you know, you'd like can't get enough of each other. And then something happens. Not too long after you meet and our love and everything goes away and goes down the drain. And she similar to me, you wouldn't give up on believing that you could have a deeply bonded and stable relationship between intimate lovers. And so she compiled she's spent 16 years of her life compiling what she's writing about in the book. And so basically, her findings were that we as humans have two programs for lovemaking. One, the one that we all know, leads to procreation and basically keeps us in a survival for the Species Program, which makes it so that when we have sex and that way with each other, over time, we get bored with each other fit up with each other, because of what happens from one really, our perception of each other changes and the curl start.

Okay, so I'm gonna call that sex for sex sake has that? Yeah, exactly. Okay, so that's our natural, evolutionary

urge. Yeah. And that's all we know, you know, because we can talk about that. There's another thing.

But well, from an evolutionary point of view, that kind of makes sense, because you would want to have a diverse gene pool. So you're supposed to get bored with each other. So you go find other

mates. Exactly. And for men and women. Yeah, for Absolutely.

So I can see where back in the caveman day that would strengthen the gene pool.

Exactly. Yeah. Now, since our genes have not evolved that much, has not been that much time. Yeah, that right? We don't know any better we fall under that spell or in that program. And, you know, that program is connected to our pleasure center. And, as you probably know, dopamine is one of the one of the rewards that we're getting. And it's very addictive and makes us feel very good for a very short amount of time, but it's highly highly, you know, addictive or like, we want it like we crave it.

And when that stops happening, yeah, in our intimate relationships, we are naturally programmed to go seek it somewhere else. I'm finding this fascinating because I come from my guys a car guy, and my brain went holy crap, that's planned obsolescence. People think they created that in the marketing world, and now it was built into our genes. That would be planned obsolescence of a relationship.

Literally play tricks on us to make sure that the species survives, but it does not serve us as pair bonding mammals to create strong and lasting unions

were and now we have longer lives than the caveman. Yeah. And stronger unions would be good. We have this dream the Cinderella story of happily ever after. And yet what I'm hearing is that we are hard wired to not have that. Exactly one person. Exactly. monogamy is not nature. Exactly. Okay. I'm with you. This is exciting. This is I I think that what we can do now is give people an understanding of exactly what they've been living and how to fix it. Yeah. Because I'm, I'm a woman of a certain age with more than one marriage partner. So I lived the evolution. And you're telling me that it doesn't have to be that way?

No, it doesn't have to be that way. And I'm just to give you a little bit more because I know that you like science too. And neuroscience, so when we have an orgasm, in the brain, we have a dopamine spike and they have done research on manda manage circulating and people shooting heroin or cocaine. And on the MRI, it's this same exact thing.

So how

so it's a it's a you know, it's the it's a naturally induced high the same way as really bad drugs would give you this and just as addictive. Yeah, just as addictive. And we don't look at it this way. And that wouldn't be a problem in itself. If having such a such a high spike in dopamine wouldn't mean that what comes up has to come down so naturally for our brain and our chemistry, biochemistry, our hormones, it takes two weeks, if we don't do anything else, to come back to homeostasis. During those two weeks, our mood is completely different. Our perception change, we feel depressed, we feel down we are not motivated. Because of the dopamine low.

Whoa, okay. Whoa, because I was thinking cool, you know, great sex equals two weeks of happiness, and you're saying great sex. How long is the happiness before the dopamine drops?

Second? Why? Or maybe, you know, maybe you feel good? Well, usually you feel really tired right after right? Most people don't go to sleep right away. Yeah.

Right. That's part of it. Okay, so So one of my favorite authors called this the after sex funk.

Yeah, that's exactly what it is. It's a poster graphic job. Let's call.

It has a name. I like things that have names. Okay, the post orgasmic drop. And it's two weeks. If you don't, what could you do to shorten that period of time? Well, most people because

they don't want to feel crappy, either have another orgasm the next day, or they have coffee, or, you know, foods that give you energies, but like food and sex are connected to the same pleasure centers. So when we eat foods that have salt and sugar combined, what you don't find in nature, and the food industry knows this. That's why you know, that's why we crave fast food or things that aren't good for us because it stimulates the same pleasure center, the same dopamine release as set or gas. Wow.

That explains a lot. Yeah. So we're sort of feeding either one appetite or the other? Yeah.

Got it. Yeah. And we're staying in this dopamine cycle. And over time, our brain receptors get desensitized. And so it's not just that we're not producing? Well, we would have to produce higher and higher amounts of dopamine. And then also, our receptors become more.

Well, it's why drug addicts have to have higher and higher doses. It's also why we have escalation in narcissistic style relationship paradigms. They escalate over time for the same reason. You're right. I do love the neuroscience.

Yeah. And it's the same with porn addiction, you know, the brain just wants more and more and more and more extreme, to have just the same level of satisfaction and then natural things. Same, same thing when we eat fast foods, and Apple doesn't taste good to us anymore. Normal connection feels completely boring, you know. So that's part of the danger of starting to be like, be involved with porn or porn addiction. That normal connection feels totally boring. And

that's really, really interesting, this parallel path between the food appetite and what happens with our taste buds. Yeah, where we kind of if once we realize that we've been consuming a lot of junk food and we want to go back to more natural food, we have to give our taste buds time to reset.

Yeah. And it's the pleasure center that needs to reset, right?

Yeah, yeah. So the taste buds connect to the pleasure center. We call it our taste buds, but I get it. Yeah, the pleasure center has to reset we have to change the meaning of food.

Yeah. And also so what we think is pleasure is really short term gratification. And there is a different kind of pleasure and when I work with people, I help them develop what I call their pleasure IQ, which works with a completely different set of hormones or make so that you are living your purpose, you being yourself, you being healthy, all those things register as very, you know, stability, emotional connection, that those things can register as tremendously pleasurable in your brain taking a breath, you know, normal things normal life

being present. Exactly. Oh my god, I love this so much. I love the fact that you just said pleasure and gratification are different. Yeah, so I'm writing that one down. Okay. So let's stitch this together a little bit. If someone were to decide that they've had enough of short term gratification, and they want to go on a pleasure, journey. Yeah, I'm like, yeah, that song sentimental journey started playing in my mind, you've been take a pleasure journey? What would be the first step after that decision?

Um, that's a good question. So the way I look as as us as human beings is that we have actually, we have four, four parts to us. We have the physical, we have the emotional, we have the spiritual and we have the energetic. And so I don't think you can just do one thing, it really has to address all four levels. So when I work with somebody on this journey, what we do is, we work on all these levels, we we work on the emotional to Healing Trauma class traumas, because part of what people go for the instant gratification or already have a nervous system and a hormone system that's off balance that's more prone to wanting the or needing the extreme is because of past trauma. So when we've gone through past traumas, it impacts our makeup. Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, slow that puppy down. You just said something really compelling to me. So say it again, a little slower. The challenge that people have that they don't know, that they have, is that they're already off kilter. If they had a traumatic experience earlier in their lives.

Yeah. And not just them. But even when they come from like me, a traumatic ancestry because our DNA, the way we our nervous system gets hurt gets programmed, comes from whatever our ancestors went through. But if they went to trauma, their biochemistry changes. And so they pass their changed biochemical makeup onto us. And they're, they're prone us to being more in fight or flight than in a relaxed state of being is higher, for example, than somebody who comes from a history.

Okay, what I'm hearing is that if there's trauma in the history, yes, we're born with our triggers more sensitive. So we are more prone to be traumatized, even by things that might not traumatize someone else. Yes. Have a trauma response? Yeah. Wow. This makes me cringe a little bit because of my own past thinking, what I passed on to my children, and now to my grandchildren. All right, now I'm invested today. Yep. I'm going to ask the elephant in the room question. If someone addresses from your experience, if someone addresses this in their present moment in their present life, does this have an impact on genetics that have already been passed down to people who've already been born?

Yeah, it does. Because everything's energy. It taught us that everything's energy. And in the quantum field, there is no time and space. So when you go back in time and repair something, it goes simultaneous forward in the future. And I know there's a little bit out there, but we just have to rely on quantum physics, physics to explain that. So

anyone who doesn't need to learn to understand quantum physics, this short story, according to Jackie, is there your subconscious mind does not have time. Only your conscious mind does time it does not exist? No. So there's good and there's bad in that and what I'm loving about this is we know the bad side. The bad side is your threat, a perceived threat or the memory of a threat. This that I hadn't thought about it so much forward facing that our brains also can't tell the difference between a current love a perceive love and a future love. So and that that's did I get that right Yeah, that's exciting news.

Yeah, cool, because the process that I use, and that's really what, what my, my skill set or my mastery is, and it's called Family Constellations, and you might have come across, it's a modality. So I'm, that's, that's a big part of when I work with people, how we work on the trauma healing part aside from teaching them, how they can really help their physical body and the energetic body. And obviously, spirituality is something very personal, but I just encourage people to find a practice, you know, specific speciality, but I help people find something that resonates with them and help them feel more connected.

So this is not a cookie cutter approach this is it has to match with who someone is what they feel drawn to. How many resources are there, in that realm of spirituality? If you were to give it a number, how many possible pathways could people explore to find their niche? What works for them?

Um, I think a lot you know, for some people, it's nature for other people, it's movement for other people, it's their wrist for other people. It's following a specific philosophy or guru. You know, there's lots of different Hindu traditions, Buddhist traditions, Orthodox traditions, Christian traditions, Islamic traditions, there is non denominational traditions, there's universal things. I personally like the Lord's Prayer the most, there is a, an esoteric Christian, a branch of esoteric Christianity, which was founded by Mary Magdalene, who was believed to be was Jesus Christ's lover, companion. And they were very influential in in Europe, right after Jesus Christ died and had a big, big following a big, big church, and, unfortunately, were all eradicated. They knew about this other way of lovemaking. Interestingly enough, I did not know that when I, when I started resonating with this virtual tradition. They knew of a way to be together that created harmony and bonding. And their main practice is just the Lord's Prayer. Like that's what they use as contemplating the Lord's Prayer. Because supposedly, Jesus Christ told Mary Magdalene, that that was really the key to having understanding each their six or seven lines in them. And really understanding the meaning the depth behind it, the Gnostics, that's what they're called. They had a six panel roads that they would create a labyrinth out of in each one, each rose pile was the one of the paragraphs in the Lord's Prayer, and that's how they would meditate on it. And French cathedrals have those patterns stolen? Yeah. So it's a little history but

All right, we're gonna come back from the the Lord's Prayer, because there are there are a lot of prayers and they get involved. And there are also mantras, there are anything that helps someone reconnect to their spirituality is the right thing for that. So you can't let's it's truly a place where I believe you can't do it wrong. Now that we've gone from Heaven, to relationship hell, to the pivot, which is this understanding that there's a way to shift from sex for sex sake, into what did you call it? Harmony and bonding, sex for harmony? And bonding?

Yeah. All right.

So tell us what that journey is like, what what is so good about that?

What's really good about that is that involves a very different set of hormones, basically the same hormones that an infant and a mother when they're bonding

produce and

it's oxytocin. So oxytocin, when we look when we have a lot of oxytocin flowing in us, we feel peaceful, happy, alive. It uses us. It makes us more relaxed and therefore more creative, more resourceful. There's a lot of health benefits. It relaxes our nervous system, it improves our immune system. It improves our hormone system. Addiction falls away, chronic pain falls away. Relationship struggles fall away because you don't go on the app the up and down from the dopamine. It's a steady increase of supply basically.

Ah, so Instead of Spike and drop, yeah, you have what's the right word? It's

just. It's an accumulative effect.

There we go a cumulative effect. Oh. With all of the things that you just said, fall away, nature abhors a vacuum. What comes in, when all of those things fall away when the relationship struggles fall away when the addictions fall away? What comes in? When I'm thinking of it, when the drama's gone? What comes in?

harmony, peace? Stability.

We're okay. My brain immediately goes to How soon does that become boring?

It does not become boring. Okay, why

not? What's the cure? Why kind of keeps you from being born.

Because it keeps getting better and better and better. You start, you start feeling electric, you start feeling enlivened, you start it just keeps getting better and better and better, because it keeps building. Right, there's no stop to it is as long as you keep practicing. Got practice.

Okay, so let's see if we can give people the keys to the practice so that they are aware. Okay, so how many keys are we going to give them today?

That's a really good question. Because even though it's not simple to learn a new way of lovemaking because of our brain being programmed for 1000s of 1000s of voice years for the other way, it is not that easy. But the key is really people think that it's just sex without orgasm. It's not that it's very, it's completely different. So the first key is to understand what Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what

you just said something. There's an elephant. People think it's just sex without orgasm. Yeah. Okay. That's an elephant. We're gonna call that a Gamestop. Or what do they call those showstoppers? Yeah, whoa. All right, I'm gonna wrap my head around this for just a second. And I'm gonna say, this sounds a lot like making out. Yeah, I remember doing that, you know, back back in high school. So is that sort of what we're talking about?

No, because the key is to understand that it's not something that you've ever done.

Okay. All right. Yeah, well, that would be true. Because otherwise, I've might not have the history that I have.

Yeah, it's making out we'll start feeling really, really good. But it is intercourse. It's just very different. It's very slow and very deeply relaxing together while having intercourse. So it's very, very different. There's like, no.

Okay, so So what we're talking about is a intimate partner shift in how the whole intimacy in the relationship is being engaged yet.

Yeah. goes away from genital friction, basically, which that's what makes us orgasm with you being connected physically, but we'll learning to deeply deeply relax together. And because of that, our skin, on our genitals and on our body starting to feel way more sensitive, and everything becomes pleasurable. That's the best way I could describe it.

Yeah, they made a song that I fell in love with. And it was like, I can feel you breathe. Yeah. And that is resonating in my head is. So that's what this experience would be. Yeah, yeah. Suddenly melting into you.

And you get to a place of feeling at one with each other. Alright, awesome. Like, the more you can relax and learn to relax deeply. And so the people think when they get married, they create a sacred union. But then they don't have a practice to me, a sacred union or a deeply bonded union or a good functioning love relationship. Takes a practice. And so this, this way of lovemaking to me, is that practice that you do every day to make sure that your bond is actually staying and growing. And it's a literal, physical biochemical bond.

Got it as opposed to a marriage bond. Yeah, this is a biochemical bond.

It's like a real

it said that again,

it's a real like a physiological, biological, emotional, real bond, not just a word that you said one time, you know, or like an idea.

Okay, so it's not a concept anymore. It's an experience. Yeah. That's really, really fascinating. Okay, let's go there. Let's play with this because you've been a practitioner, helping people figure this out. For people who are not in a primary relationship? What impact would understanding this have on their lives?

I think it would help them understand why relationships might not have worked in the past and hopefully inspire them when they find somebody new to introduce them to this and see if this resonates. If it resonates, you know, if it resonates, then find somebody who read this resonates with to and start a relationship in this way, and not in a traditional way. Oh, all right. So

what this could be is the preventative for the repetitive pattern of problems that they may have had in other relationships. Exactly.

Yeah. And a solution and a tool to help them really create stability in the next one.

Yeah. So I like that. Let's prevent the problem and have the guide to create what you really want. Yep. All right. So for you, it all started with a book? Where else could people start on this journey? Reading or do they get more information? Yeah, reading

the book is where you know, where I have everybody start. And then there is not that much out there. You know, there really isn't that much out there. You can, in the book in the back. marnya puts together a three week program and they're called the exchanges ecstatic exchanges.

And you have to say that word slowly three week program called What? The ecstatic exchanges, ah, ecstatic exchanges. Okay, that sounds like a fun program to shake. Yep.

Yep. So you can take yourself through that. But in my experience, it's really not that easy. There's not that many people that that guide guide people in this Marnie, I wrote the book, but she doesn't really teach. I don't know of anybody else who actually teaches people and helps them transition other than myself, I don't want to talk my horn. But

you know, I would not have invited you, if you were not an expert in this field, the fact that you might be the only expert in the field who's teaching, ya know, and creating something as an experience for people is why you're here. All right. I don't I don't go for the masses. Here. I want the people who are on the cutting edge and leading edge of making life better. And that is you Kerala. So we will make sure that we have your website and stuff in the show notes, because I know they can get some more information there. But you also have a podcast of your own

right? Yes. It's called How to Make love left.

How to Make love last, Yep. Cool. So we will make sure that that podcast link is in the shownotes for everyone. Because how to make love last is actually really compelling plays, especially for me as I have grandkids now coming of age coming into adulthood. And it's an interesting world that we live in where we have disposable everything. And to have a relationship that's not disposable. Yep. Sounds like a gift to the world. Even if one person in the one one couple in a family who create a love that last, yeah, would impact everyone around them. I'm a firm believer in the power of resonance.

Yeah. So this is how we can create heaven on earth.

I rule. Oh, there we go. Yeah, I like that. So, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the world. According to Jackie, where we bring you the short course on how to create heaven on earth. I might take that up as a new tagline. But in the meantime, this fits under my philosophy of putting your own emotional oxygen mask on first, let's fix your primary relationship. Let's deep dive and make it one that you know is going to last in love. Yes. Carolyn, thank you so much for coming into my world and bringing your world and sharing it with the tribe. And I just want to know what's changed in your world? Personally, since you have been on this journey?

Well, I went from doing a lot of dishes and diapers and not living my purpose and just, you know, really, really struggling in not having not knowing my path to now having a thriving business. two beautiful children. Serving my purpose living this living living. I'm completely living the life that I came here to lift so

There you go. There you go. Okay, now I'm going to ask another question. Where in your life did you wake up and remember that this is what you were supposed to do the When did your purpose tap you on your shoulder again.

I kind of knew the whole time, but because my relations were so tumultuous, I didn't feel qualified. And then finally, I was like, You know what? I don't care any longer. Like, I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be the poster child. I have skills, you know. And I love I have a deep love for humanity. And for us doing this together. You know, I'm just one step ahead. It's not like I have mastered all of this, but I've been exposed to it a little longer than most people.

This is true, it is a world changing awareness. Carolyn, thank you so much for bringing it to our awareness today.

And actually, before I get off also on my when people go to my website, I do have a free training on there for everybody. I wanted to mention that to really help, like, bring love and attraction back. So

cool. We'd like that. Yeah, we like that. Okay, let's get you what you need. Let's get it to you now. And we will make sure that that link is there with that information that hey, this is their first step. Go to my website, get my free training, read the book, and then let's talk. Exactly. Cool. Now those are steps I can follow. Thank you. Thank you.