Scrambled Eggs with a Side of Integrity with Haim Ohayon

Welcome back to Your Brain On Positive. All the love and support you need is residing inside of you. And we're going to make it easier to turn it on.

Welcome to your brain on positive and I am positive that you are going to enjoy this conversation I am talking with the man whose mission in the world is simply to help other people get what they want. Make some kind of easy to talk to. So as we journey into the world of what we want, what you want, and what he wants. I hope you will welcome Haim, and I am not going to pronounce your last name, I'm going to let you pronounce it for us.

So Haim.

Welcome to the show. I am so glad you had time to join me today

for having me. And I'm glad to be here. When did

you decide that it was your mission to help other people get what they want?

It's come to me in 2009 What what happened in 2008 was the recession. And I used to work as an auto mechanic, I started to work as an auto mechanic in 1969. Until January 2009, this was the last month I was practicing as an auto mechanic. Because I refuse to compromise my value for to make the place when I used to walk that to have more income, which is mean, I was asked to do kind of immoral and sometimes illegal activity for the place to have to make money.

The whole reason that auto mechanics have a bad reputation.

Yes. So I refuse to play that game. So they show me the door and they say out with the module. So as I step out, I was searching for other place to walk. And no one wants to hire me because I become overqualified is because of the age. But they're not gonna say the age. But they say I don't have enough many years to get from you. Because you I was already over 50. So I don't have enough here to give to the place. Plus they need to pay me for my skill and knowledge. And either they didn't have the money of the sale, and your price I can take to wait to take you. So I realize I need to find some other source of income. And what I did, it was I did something unusual, which is when I started to look inside, who am I? What my purpose in life what exactly I'm doing here on the face on here. And I find out to Finn, I love people. And I love to help people. But that still don't give me any clue what to do. But I know I can fix people disable Yeah, fix skirts and at the same,

really, it's not the same. You can't fix people the same way you could fix a car Gee, why not? What's different?

Because I'm not surgeon, I can replace the brain in this way is that and stuff. Everything is in the in the mind is thought in the mind. And it's tapping the mind. So as I was searching to have some source of income, I stumbled on coaching. So that's what coaching to. So I took calls, the school was in Australian at imminent state. And I think graduates might have some kind of argument with the school. And they say, if you want to graduate you in person we problem. You fix it. And you move on and say well, that's not coaching that's therapy. I don't want to be therapist. I don't want to

waver. Well, I'm going to pause this because this is a a common challenge in the coaching industry. What is the distinction between coaching and therapy? somebody coming in with a problem that you fix? Is that coaching, we're going to put that out to the audience and let them give us some feedback on it for you that wasn't coaching. What is coaching for you?

Something that you're good at and make a date.

That boy, that's

that's what is real coaching. That's something that you want to do. But you not share it with anyone for some reason. You keep it you keep it to yourself. cause you don't have trust in people. What I, I discovered as a kind of new type of fear that people don't talk about is fear of bullying. Nobody wants to be bullied. So people don't do anything on the first time, they all the time wait to see someone else doing that. And then they make decision, if to do it on it, according to other people results and experience. And that's not right. Because you can rely on other people experience, isn't it? This you get? You don't get any feeling? How does that feel? When you do it yourself?

Well, you just connected to things that very few people do, which is this idea of bullying, and fear

of going first, if there was a rule that I was

taught, when it came to marketing and messaging, and it was nobody wants to go first, and nobody wants to get left out. And connecting those fears that nobody wants to go first, which means nothing ever changes with bullying. When did you connect those two

dots?

As I started to walk with people, and help people to get what they want. And the beginning of the challenge is to get that

as I'm sorry, the challenge is what

is to gain their trust. If I don't give you a test, you're not going to share with me what you're what you're thinking about. And you keep it as a secret. Secret to yourself. So when they gave me a test, yeah, and now you share, you start to share with me. But it's really want to do what is really on your mind that for most people is wishes, they wish to be they wish to do they wish to have. It's a wishing. But they don't, they don't know how to do it. And they don't ask anybody to share it with because they don't want to be bullied. They don't want to be joke, they don't want somebody to laugh at them.

You know, it is this fear of being dismissed of having our dreams by other people. And you're calling that bullying, which is a different definition of bullying that we're most people use. It's a very common and very tragic scenario because it makes it where we don't feel safe sharing our dreams with people sharing our wishes with people.

Maybe it's giving you a bed bed feeling when somebody makes laugh at you or make a joke, it's what you want to do. And it's it's really awkward, is not fair warning. Let's say that's where it's not fair to do that to people. So when I give the test, they share it with me. And then if they're willing to do the work, I will walk with them. If not, I will just keep it to myself and I move on. Alright, this is a

common dilemma among coaches, which is having clients who actually change your behavior actually take and do a different action. Working around that you don't is what it sounds like. You simply ask are you willing to do the work? Or how do you help them see that the work is worth it? Or do you

the way I explained it, which is mean, for many of them? It sounds like I come from different planet? Which is mean I said, look with me. You will never Finn. It's impossible to make mistake. And nothing will go wrong all the time we'll walk in together. So when people hear they say, well, oh, you come from different planning. You don't live here on health? Yeah, I say Well, listen to me, there is low and principle in life. And this what is called cause and effect. Which is mean when you do something no matter what you do, you get results. And that's give you experience. Now, how does that make you feel? If it's make you feel good, they put more time on this activity. If it's not making you feel good is even better. Because now you have something to learn. Usually we resist what we don't know what is not comfortable. What is not familiar? So we don't want to be on shaky ground. So the mind all the time take us back to safety. When you go back to safety, you're not moving ahead. You're not learning anything. Because you all the time in the area that you know what you do. Would this?

Oh, you got that right. It's safety another word for your comfort zone in my language. Yes. Now you said three things. When someone works with you, you help them understand that if they work with you, they can first never fail. Right? So they can never fail. Sounds like they can only learn. And you also said that they could there was not possible for them to make a mistake. Yes. You also said a third thing, but I didn't write fast enough. So what was the third thing that can go wrong? Nothing will go wrong. Okay. So it challenges people's definitions of failure, mistakes and wrong.

Reception. And what they mean by that when you do something that didn't work. Didn't work. 100% Nobody, it's very hard from the get go to get 100% you get 5% You get 20%. I give you story is the best way to illustrate that. Awesome, I love stories. Let's say that you you hungry, you at home, you by yourself and you're hungry. You want to make something to eat, but you don't want to make sandwich, you want to do something live. So when the simple things to do

scrambled egg, the skin a little bit oil.

You break the egg you scramble to piece of bread in the toaster, you have a meal. Now this meal going to come the same way that you serve in the dining? No. But do you have a mean? Now if you want that, as Campbell egg to be like the diner, do it for two weeks. And after that you can you're going to call all your family and friends. Can I make you scrambling, you won't believe the way I made it. You get experience. That's that's the way life works. You do something that you have no clue, you have no idea. And it's very hard to get 100% because you don't know what you're doing. That's leads me to another phrase that people use all the time. And sometime it's pushed me off, which is when they say fake it until you make it right now just explained to me in simple language, how you can fake something that you don't know.

You know, it's interesting, because when they say it, I think they mean what you explain so clearly, which is take the action, it's not going to be perfect. Keep doing it and then it will get better. And you explain it much clearer. The slogan fake it till you make it is hard for me to wrap around. It's too it's a weird concept. Because if I don't know how to do something, how am I gonna fake doing it? And besides fake doing something, you can either do it or not do it? I mean, this is the wisdom of Yoda from Star Wars, you know, there is no try, there is no date, you either are doing it or you're not doing it. I love the attitude of this. What happens when someone decides that they're willing to do the work

with them?

Tell me another story.

I woke with a single mother. She was selling insurance for living. And she said to me, I don't know how much you charge. I don't know if I can afford you. The but they hit the inflation we view I'm gonna get what I'm looking for. I say Okay, before we go to procedure, how much I charge with our walking, I want to know what is that you're looking for that and then I will decide if to walk with you on that is not only your decision, it's my decision also. Because I'm not gonna work with you if you don't get results. I'm not working for money. I will take the money. Don't get me wrong. But that's not what drives me to work with you. She said, Okay, fair enough. I want to be actors in movie. So okay, what are you willing to do to make that happen? She said, whatever it takes. So that intrigued me who get the money. Let's start all we even have income. We'll talk how you compensate. But for now, don't worry about that before you know which is that to get audition. Natalie that she got picked up in Audition. Now if you know how this industry walk, I learned through the pauses. They wait for big investors to come put money in a movie company and they started to shoot and all in high school and all was involved in that until that happened. She started to play in small theater in Broadway in New York. And I went I see her plane six months ago. I got the phone call. She said I finished my first movie.

That is a great story. And it has some really key elements. She came in motivated. She had clarity on what she wanted,

she would have blasted me and bullying.

Is bullying common in the coaching industry based on your experience?

Oh, yes. Yeah, that's many people, many people hesitate. Even the sometimes with the HIV test in your this didn't hesitate. But when I said, Look, I'm not gonna go front of you, I'm not going to go back with you, I'm going to go shoulder to shoulder with you. So that that's make different impression of people, which I'm not by myself, I'm with you all along.

It's wonderful for people to have an experience of having someone who walks with them. And whether it's, you know, I hold your hand, step by step, I walk with you shoulder to shoulder, the language is really clear. I'm not here to push you, I'm not here to pull you. I'm here to be with you as you grow. Because taking new action requires growth. And personal growth is like any other growth, sometimes it has growing pains, helps to have somebody with you

the power of motivation. I'm going to ask a couple of really

different questions because you do a different kind of coaching. How did she find you?

I interact with people all day long. I it's funny. I teach people how to keep their mouth shut. And I teach people how to talk in in everyone in public to speak with everyone on official names.

All right,so now you teach people how to keep their mouth shut, and how to speak up in public. All of those do seem to be mutually exclusive things. Would you say a little more about that place.

There is when you build the house have this job in the world is to gender where people thinking yeah, if so, see what happened. When agenda where you feel you change the way you think. Now to change the way you feel. I need to be genuine say something nice. Here. And now. It's coming. Many times it's come as a compliment women it's much easier than men. But it's possible to do it. Yeah. And here you go.

Like it was easier than men. Why men don't know how to take a compliment.

With men it's a different different way of giving compliments. Okay, we've meant it's more to tell him to use the human language

As an example of human language when it comes to getting exactly

To say he was about to say I wasn't a supermarket and from African America big guy and he Scott is only two items. You have the 24 case of beer and you have two cases of egg I say well that's interesting. What color what do you attract you mow the age of the meal and we have to have a conversation because he was love that I pay attention to what he bought Yeah, and I'm it's kind of joke from that. So we have two hour conversation and he didn't want to leave and his wife waiting in the car you just have to take two item and leave

So what was the compliment? Just asking him a question noticing his world

I make fun of them. What make you buy those two items that are so different from each other? It is a gold the betta so

When it comes to give me a compliment to a woman

Oh, I like I like I like your glasses. Yeah. I like the way you use speaking. Yeah, your men and women love that. Women compliment anyway you take it

And you don't think men like compliments that same way.

Love compliment, but in a different way.

Okay. Yeah, I will I will bow to your experience of this. So to our conversation at a grocery store beer and eggs, and the aspiring actress. How did you meet her? I go was

another networking event. Back then it might be it was before the pandemic. So we used to do it face to face in person. So you have more time to talk to people. And I encourage people all the time in, when I meet people, I don't want to know what you do for a living. I'm more interested to know who you are. Because what you do for a living, that's the way you have an income. And today, you have your plan as to what where you can be electrician, so your income change, but not who you are, who you are stay the same. So that's my, my focus in right from the beginning. Which is mean, there is way to ask question also, will I never ask why? I ask what? When you ask why it's kind of invite inviting fight. When I ask what you're going to tell the story.

That's a really cool way to distinguish the two. When I was working on the tools for the teen suicide prevention society, we created the why not workbook, because we realized that asking someone why they did something was an invitation to an argument, it was a defense triggering question, and you will probably like this. I came up with a thought as to why people do anything, whether it's take their own lives or change jobs, or go out partying at night. Why we do what we do seemed like a good idea at the time.

No one is the white coming for? Who ask why the kid? Kid ask a ladder. Why? Because they want to know what they so that they get on the dots? Because I said so. Because this the way it is? Because I'm the grown up here. So that's the reason is a don't. Yet when somebody asked you why not work? I'm not a kid. I'm not gonna answer that. Yeah, yeah. But if I asked you what they're gonna tell me story.

So what is the fun, most fun answer someone has ever given you? What is the story that still makes you laugh every time you think about it? When you ask what?

When asked what gets told me, I have all kinds of silly and this that's more serious, isn't it? Isn't that funny? Is most serious in debt, which has been, I will ask you what make you to do what you do. And what you did before that, and what did it before that. So I go through your history. Now you need to start to explain to me why you do what you do. But I didn't ask you in that way. But you tell me in a different way. Yeah,

it's a better way to ask your question. Right. It's a better way to ask the question. Okay. So as we get into what's so important about this conversation, now does asking someone what, what is the reason you do what you do? What did you do before that? How does that help the keep their brain on positive

Reason to do what they do. And when they switch? The way they have income? There is a reason that so I want to get to that reason. What make you change what you do, to do what you do today. Now he's telling me the reason for the reason I learned how we think I learned what's motivating him in life.

What motivates people

What usually is tripping? Yeah, what is three thing? Three things okay? Yes, people want to have more money. People want to be healthy people want to be happy.

Okay, more money to general

That's what people want in the first place. It's the money they want to have more money they believe is the money buy everything. Buy happiness and buy health and knows that money is only money make your life sometime more easy. But it's don't buy everything.

The Beatles said it best Money Can't Buy Me Love. Somebody said if money can't buy happiness. You've just because you don't know where to shop. But I like better your attitude and positive psychology has in the last 20 years, made it very clear that happiness comes first. It's not you get successful and then you become happy is that you become happy. And that makes it easy to be successful. So finding out what it is that makes someone happy, what motivated the aspiring actress

To be an actress, they love to switch.

Personality. That's what actors do. They love to play the role of someone else. They have joy doing that. I mean, when the end, the heavy joy in on imposes the happy. Now happy to be happy that his poem aligned to that. When you lower your expectation, you're going to be more happy.

Okay, say that again, when you know your expectation. When you lower, lower your expectation, okay, say more about that, because that's the opposite of what most coaches are doing right now. They're telling people to raise your expectation, raise your prices make a higher ticket offer.

I totally against that. And I tell you why. When you make expectation, it's you give power to someone else to do something for you. Now you see it and wait, no people, people have their own ideas how to do thing. And it's never met what you ask him for. So when you lower your expectations, your intention go high.

So this is lowering your expectation of other people.

That's what the expectation is don't expect from yourself, you expect from other people's

expectations of myself, I expected myself to get up and show up to interview you today. Though, you have to be clear, you mean expectations of other people.

When you wake up and you want to do this, this show, you have intention, that expectation? Ah,

Oh, cool. I like that distinction. In the way you chat,

when you know it, Ill expectation, your intention go high. Because this is something that you want to do, then that's depend only on you, not on other people.

Ah, freedom from other people meeting your expectations. Sounds like freedom. I love that. So what do you do for yourself, I mean, you could lower expectations of other people all day long. And it sounds like there has to be a balance, the more you lower your expectations of others, is that give you more freedom to raise your intention for yourself.

I don't, I don't have an expectation for anyone to do something for me, I do it for myself. Usually, that's what happens. When you have an expectation. You sit and wait for something to happen, that you have no control on. When you have intention is so new to make that happen.

There we go. As you lower your expectations of others, you increase your intention for yourself. Cool. I like that language. I like that. So when you obviously get a lot of joy out of helping people see the world from your perspective, and you have the perspective

of being able to

work with something that's very tangible. That is a puzzle that you figure out as an auto mechanic. And then to take what you learn from all of those years of diagnosing and fixing into the human equation.

And yeah, yeah, there's a

difference between working on something that is we can tackle and something that is driven by mindset and other intangible thing, the mental conversations. You've made this transition. It's a transition very few people do. What was the easiest part of this and what was the most challenging part of this transition for you?

When you do something that you love, there is no challenge. The only joy there is pure, pure happiness along the way. And what I all the time, encourage people think about something that suck your time. Yeah, that's the area that you're going to be six says that this is the area that you're going to do good when you lose track of time of any activity that you into. That's the area that you have a joy you have what you happy when you do that. You don't need to explain that it's inside job.

Oh, that's lovely. So noticing where you lose track of time? Well, obviously, two hours in a grocery store having a conversation about eggs and beer. This man lost track of time.

Both of us.

Yeah.

That's what they that's, that's what is every person have PTSD. Now there is severe cases. And there is my know, most of the people have minor case. Now when PTSD is come when he wants not when you want is all of a sudden jump into your mind. Yeah, and his hijack your mind, you start to thinking about something that you don't want to think about that, but you don't know how to get through them. So if I have way to hijack your mind, to talk about something that take you off from what you're thinking, that's make you feel bad, and make you feel good. You don't want to leave. You don't want to go anyplace. You forget everything. He forgot that his wife waiting.

Intentionally hijacking other people's minds for their own good. I really think that that has got to be the most compelling tagline that I have ever heard. Yeah, they because it is exactly what you do. You break through their habitual thinking. That's lovely, and it's gentle. And I appreciate the care that you bring to the world. You obviously love what you do. How do you take care of you? I mean, I get that you go out and to grocery stores and networking events and interacting with people brings you joy. What else do you do to take care of you to keep your brain on positive?

I dance. I'm a ballroom dancing for over 20 years,

ah ballroom dancing.

I sync up to myself almost every day for I see the phones on my computer and screaming, I have a lousy voice. But I don't care. That's make me feel good.

All right, so you're gonna get an invitation to sing our song from for the teen suicide prevention society because we just launched the song before you decide. And we want people to sing it and send us their videos, so we can share it with the world. So I want you who loves to sing karaoke by yourself to videotape yourself singing our song. And then we can put that video up

your song Oh, my song,

our song before you decide this lousy voice, I can tell you that. That's okay. This is not about how good you sing. This is about your enthusiasm. And you have a great deal of enthusiasm for life. Hi.

Thank you, Jackie. I want to mention another thing. Yes, English is my second language. And when I came here in 1996,

I was homeless. And I didn't speak English. So why did you come? Because I was homeless.

I got I got divorce in 1995. And I just give everything to my ex. I didn't want my tricky go up in house, fighting, yelling screaming all the time. Because that's not fair to them. They didn't come to this world to see that. And when you keep this what you learn, and that's you, you remember that all your life. I didn't want that to give them that experience. So I give everything to my ex the house, they keep the car, the money, whatever you want. Take it i i wasn't smart. But then like today, but I said, and then I said, when you learn something, you never lose that. That's for you to forever so you can do it all over again. So I say I give up everything I know how to do. I'm going to build it again. So when I step out, I didn't have any place to go. I sleep in my car for a few months. I hit bothered that live here in New York. So I talked to him to send me a ticket because I asked Luke I want the simple step. I want to sleep in bed. I want to take shower every day. I want to change clothes. Underwear, simple stuff. Oh to brush my teeth in the morning, I didn't ask for unusual stuff. This is a simple setup. So when I came here, I didn't speak the language that they speak English. But that's that's that me. I still have some errors in my Gmail as they speak. Yeah, but I don't need to stop me. If people, people like what they hear, so they will correct me if they don't like it. Well, no one, no one. I don't know. Anybody that have approval from everyone. That's impossible.

There we go. No one has approval from everyone. That's a true statement. Oh, I like that.

God's cannot make it. But these exist.

There you go. No one gets approval from everyone, not even God. This is this is a great way to help keep this conversation in perspective. One of the reasons that we even got into this conversation is because you have this absolute sense of self that keeps you centered, that is very calming, to be around. And I was delighted when you said yes to being interviewed, because I have the opposite energy. Yes, people can find a calming to be around me simply because I am. So certain of the results that people get working with me. My energy is very high. And your energy is very calm. And so I thought we would have a good conversation. And this has been delightful. If you have one piece of advice for people, other than this last statement, which is no one has approval from everyone, not even God. Great statement.

What do you want people to know? I mean, I,

I have a few years back, I have a audio interview. And the guy said to me, you coach for life and business, what kind of advice you give to people? I say, Well, let me tell you that I don't give advice to people. And I hate to tell them what to do. I don't believe in that. So well, you need to give them something said okay, fine. People that want to help and support you need to give your opinion.

There we go. Alright, I'm gonna repeat it back, find people who want to help and support you not give you their opinions. All right, that this is where we get to contrast because I'm the opposite of you. I love to tell people what to do. As a matter of fact, I'm not a coach, I predate the whole coaching industry, I came in and coined the term stress management consultant, because I did do stress management and business consulting. And so I tell people what to do. That's why they hire me. When they hire you, they are hiring us so that they can become more. And it's a different perspective on the world. I love your gentleness. And I appreciate you being here with me today. So the big takeaway piece is find people who will support who want to support what you want for yourself. Not to give you their opinion.

Sometimes we have to look pretty far for that. Especially I have three older sisters. So they they will give me their opinion whether I asked for it or not. Because that's their job, right? They're the older sister. Yeah. So it's okay to look outside of your family. Sometimes you have to look outside of your friends. But I suggest maybe that everyone start by looking inside themselves for the one person who will support them.First,

I want to illustrate that in a different way you will appreciate that. We use the conscious mind and the subconscious mind. Now what is the conscious mind is the judgment mind is the gentleman which has made now we judge each other you female I'm a man. You have hair I don't have you have picture behind you. I have wallpaper, we judge each other. Right? The best way to have something in common is to go to the subconscious mind. Subconscious Mind look for something in common. How you do that?

And now our mind thinking picture. When I go through you have a picture in your mind. So if I'm a good storyteller, I think it's a good movie. When you see the movie, you find all kinds of elements that you like. Well, I like the way you ended that. I love the way you, you, you got around this problem or obstacle, or challenges? I'm the same way as you do. Yeah, that's what you have. When you tell story. You, you bypass the judgment mind.

You go to the subconscious. Now you create chemistry between you and the person that you're talking to. And that that's much better than tell people what to do. You let them through the story. What else available? I will tell you what's woke I'm not gonna tell you how to do it. I will tell you what's woke. Now you're going to do it in your way. I will be with you. But you did in your way.

There we go. It's a lovely place. Do it your way and find someone who supports you to do your life your way. Great takeaway. Thank you so much for being part of the show today and for taking us on this worldwide journey. And it was a journey from auto mechanic to life and business coach from one part of the world to another. What it takes sometimes to have at all is to be willing to let go of everything that doesn't serve you said thank you for sharing that journey with us.

I enjoy it. I have a good time.

We will see you on the next episode of your brain on positive thank you for being with us today.