May 12, 2022

Ep.17- Set Yourself Free & Love Yourself Enough To Tell Your Story

Ep.17- Set Yourself Free & Love Yourself Enough To Tell Your Story

In today’s episode, I am joined by the inspiring Tanya Gill, as she shares her adventure in healing with us. Tanya discusses just how hard it can be to share your story with others, especially with family, but to show up for yourself first, releases the power the trauma has over you. Loving yourself enough to tell your story takes courage and trust in yourself to break the silence. Tanya dives into healing as an ongoing adventure and to be so proud of putting yourself first to heal and speak your truth. We are part of the new generation that is breaking out of their silence and speaking up for themselves. Listen in to get inspired.

 

About our guest:

Tanya is your no-bs friend, teacher, social worker, and life coach! Her life has been many wtf moments including becoming a widow, struggling with weight and body image issues, dating after loss, single parenting, remarriage, and blending families. She is joyfully married to her second soul mate, the parent of 4 incredible kids (one of whom is LGBTQ2S+), and the momma to two sheepadoodles named Walter and Margaret. As a speaker, writer, and coach, Tanya steps into her life’s purpose daily – to INSPIRE HOPE.

A gift from my heart to yours...

Three easy steps to a lighter heart, body, and mind

https://www.perfectlyimperfect.wtf/3-easy-steps-to-lighten-your-heart-body-and-min

Here’s a bit about me:

www.perfectlyimperfect.wtf

our podcast (do you have an idea for a show, or want to be a guest?)

https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/lighten-up-and-unstuck-your-what-the- fuck/id1615995631

let’s connect:

https://www.facebook.com/PerfectlyImperfect.wtf https://www.instagram.com/perfectlyimperfect.wtf/

And if you’d like to book a chat for... possibilities? https://calendly.com/tanya-gill-perfectlyimperfect/complimentary-spark-session

 

 

Thanks for listening!

It means so much to us! If you would like to continue the conversation with us, head on over to Instagram or/and Facebook for more healing, stories, and magic.  

 

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Transcript
Anna Maydonova:

I know you, you're afraid to speak up,

Anna Maydonova:

you're scared of what other people think of you. And you

Anna Maydonova:

blame yourself for what happened to you. I know how it feels.

Anna Maydonova:

Because I've been there. If you found me, I'm so grateful you

Anna Maydonova:

are here. This podcast will give you hope. And I'm your host, in

Anna Maydonova:

a made ANOVA. And I'm going to hold your hand and provide the

Anna Maydonova:

guidance, it's time for you to find your why. And turn your

Anna Maydonova:

experience into your biggest power. This is your time now. So

Anna Maydonova:

lock your door, put your headphones in, and enjoy.

Anna Maydonova:

Sonya, when we first met, you shared something you have never

Anna Maydonova:

ever shared with anyone before. And this happened of the back of

Anna Maydonova:

me sharing my story. Would you? Would you let us know? What's

Anna Maydonova:

happened in your childhood?

Tanya Gill:

The world is an amazing place. And the universe

Tanya Gill:

has amazing ways of bringing people together. And I was it is

Tanya Gill:

the universe putting us together in the most magical way. And I

Tanya Gill:

was leaving interviewed me. And for his podcast, and then you

Tanya Gill:

were just listening to me talk in the background and popped in

Tanya Gill:

and I was like, Who is this beautiful human. And as you

Tanya Gill:

shared your story, I became very overwhelmed because I too am a

Tanya Gill:

victim of sexual assault as a child. And I had not at that

Tanya Gill:

point had the conversation, the critical conversation with my

Tanya Gill:

mom that I needed to have. And when you asked me to be on your

Tanya Gill:

podcast, I was terrified. Because I was like, I haven't

Tanya Gill:

told my mom yet. And I don't know how that's gonna go. And

Tanya Gill:

when you asked me, I knew at that point that I actually

Tanya Gill:

wasn't ready to tell her. I knew I was getting closer. But I

Tanya Gill:

didn't. I just wasn't quite ready. And so I just let time

Tanya Gill:

pass and kept showing up for myself. And all of a sudden, it

Tanya Gill:

was like there was this fire in my soul that said it's time it

Tanya Gill:

is time. And so I did I went to her and I told her and then I'm

Tanya Gill:

now able, because I've shared with my children, I am now able

Tanya Gill:

to have this conversation with you. And hold space for others

Tanya Gill:

who have had this experience themselves.

Anna Maydonova:

What was your reaction? How did you tell here?

Anna Maydonova:

And what was your reaction?

Tanya Gill:

It didn't go well.

Anna Maydonova:

That's okay. That's okay.

Tanya Gill:

I know. Um, you know, and and it's, it's

Tanya Gill:

interesting, because I was so proud of myself. I was so

Tanya Gill:

fucking proud of myself when I was driving up there. I was so

Tanya Gill:

proud of myself because I was doing it right like to get to

Tanya Gill:

that space. That's kind of an incredible thing. Like, when you

Tanya Gill:

and I talked before I hadn't told it. It wasn't public

Tanya Gill:

knowledge, I guess. And I hadn't told my mom. And when I knew it

Tanya Gill:

was time, it was like, it was like, the only thing that I

Tanya Gill:

could think about was like, I needed to release this. I needed

Tanya Gill:

desperately to speak my truth. And so when I was driving up

Tanya Gill:

there, I was so proud of myself because I was like, oh my god,

Tanya Gill:

like I have literally turned my life around in the last year.

Tanya Gill:

Because when I learned of this, I was so broken. And now I love

Tanya Gill:

myself enough to trust myself enough to go by myself to drive

Tanya Gill:

all the way up there to stay with her and to have an honest,

Tanya Gill:

truthful, heartfelt conversation that I knew was going to be

Tanya Gill:

super fucking hard. But I was like, oh my god, like I actually

Tanya Gill:

love myself enough to do this. And I was so proud. And then

Tanya Gill:

when I got up there it It of course, the feelings of UPS

Tanya Gill:

trying to figure out, you know, there's never the perfect time.

Tanya Gill:

There's never the perfect moment. There's never the, and

Tanya Gill:

it takes so much fucking courage because it's as soon as it comes

Tanya Gill:

out, you know, you don't get to take it back. You don't get to

Tanya Gill:

take it back.

Unknown:

So

Tanya Gill:

we were sitting in the living room in the

Tanya Gill:

afternoon, and I made tea, and we were having a cup of tea. And

Tanya Gill:

I sat down with her and I said, you know, mom, like, I want to

Tanya Gill:

talk to you about something. And she's like, Okay, what, and I

Tanya Gill:

just started to ball. Like, I just started to ball. And I was

Tanya Gill:

like, I know, once I tell you this, I can't take it back. And

Tanya Gill:

I'm so scared to tell you, but I have to tell you. And so I took

Tanya Gill:

her back to when my dad disclosed because he was in my

Tanya Gill:

dad disclosed to me, in the hospital, and he didn't, he had

Tanya Gill:

COVID he had hearing aids, he had mental health challenges,

Tanya Gill:

and he really was dysregulated. So the nurses let me go into the

Tanya Gill:

hospital room with him. And honest to God, the universe put

Tanya Gill:

me there in the most magical way, because it shouldn't have

Tanya Gill:

been me that went into that room. You know, the other person

Tanya Gill:

I was with, has a closer relationship with him. And they

Tanya Gill:

made the choice not to go in. And I was like, Holy fuck, I

Tanya Gill:

guess I'm going in what? So when I went in, of course, I was

Tanya Gill:

gound and masked and gloved and frickin face shielded, and all

Tanya Gill:

the things because of COVID. But I went in with photos. And so

Tanya Gill:

when I told my mom, that that day that he had shared with me

Tanya Gill:

that I had lived, he was looking at a photo of me. And I was

Tanya Gill:

trying to have him make the connection that I was the person

Tanya Gill:

in the photo. And I had pictures from our wedding, which was only

Tanya Gill:

three months earlier. So like, it's not like it was a massive

Tanya Gill:

amount of time that had passed. And he was like, oh, yeah, this

Tanya Gill:

is my daughter's wedding. And this is so and so. And this is

Tanya Gill:

so and so. And he's telling me about the different people. And

Tanya Gill:

he told me about my mom. And he told me about some other people.

Tanya Gill:

And then he saw me in the picture. And I was literally

Tanya Gill:

pointing at the picture and pointing at me going like this

Tanya Gill:

is fucking me, like, make the connection that makes the

Tanya Gill:

connection. And then he's holding the foot or he wasn't

Tanya Gill:

holding the photo, you had it in his lap. And he's like, that's,

Tanya Gill:

that's Daniel, that's my daughter. And she's lived her

Tanya Gill:

whole life, like a caged animal. And it was like, What the fuck.

Tanya Gill:

And then he kept talking any shared with me how he sexually

Tanya Gill:

abused me as a child. And at that point, I didn't have any

Tanya Gill:

memories of it. But then driving home the same day, I started to

Tanya Gill:

get the flashbacks. So there's a lot more to the story of my dad

Tanya Gill:

telling me but I shared with my mom what she needed to know. And

Tanya Gill:

my whole message was, I love you. I don't blame you. And I

Tanya Gill:

even forgive him. And I never thought I'd arrive at place and

Tanya Gill:

forgiving him. But I went there wanting to hold space and help

Tanya Gill:

her through it. And I think that that's what we do as empaths

Tanya Gill:

Santa's like, you know, don't we, as empaths we're always

Tanya Gill:

holding space for other people. And it didn't go well.

Anna Maydonova:

What did you say? Tanya?

Tanya Gill:

She didn't yell. But she said very loudly. He did

Tanya Gill:

not. He did not do it. She said I love her so fucking much. I

Tanya Gill:

love her so much. And, and when when she said that I was like,

Tanya Gill:

oh my god, like, Okay, I know that this is a shock. And I

Tanya Gill:

still hold on to believing that a lot of this is a shock. And

Tanya Gill:

this is asking her to uncover and look at a lot of different

Tanya Gill:

things in her own life. And I want to be there to help her

Tanya Gill:

with it. But kind of also need her to be there for me. And she

Tanya Gill:

said this isn't going to change my love for him. And I thought

Tanya Gill:

and I told her I said I don't need it to and I don't want it

Tanya Gill:

to. I'm like but I need you to know this. I need you to know

Tanya Gill:

this happened. I need you. And I know she was shocked. But when I

Tanya Gill:

asked her if it changed her love for me her answer was I don't

Tanya Gill:

know. And it's such a strange place when you're hurting inside

Tanya Gill:

and holding space for another person because you know, they're

Tanya Gill:

hurting. But that person's reaction is where you are hurt

Tanya Gill:

is. And, and, you know, it feels like you're sitting in a bit of

Tanya Gill:

a blender. But I tried desperately to open a space to

Tanya Gill:

talk about it and, and she didn't want to, she didn't want

Tanya Gill:

to. And you know, here's what I'm gonna say about my dad, my

Tanya Gill:

dad grew up with, like, my dad had a very traumatic life. And I

Tanya Gill:

quite honestly believe my mum saved his life because she

Tanya Gill:

taught him as best she could, how to love. He grew up in a

Tanya Gill:

very dysfunctional home, lots of addiction, lots of mental

Tanya Gill:

health, he himself had had mental health issues, he's

Tanya Gill:

bipolar, lots and lots of different layers of stuff. And

Tanya Gill:

my mom, I really believe, like, her resilience to stay in that

Tanya Gill:

marriage with everything that he put her through. And that they

Tanya Gill:

experienced together. And the time that she spent going up

Tanya Gill:

behind him and cleaning up his messes, when he blow it with her

Tanya Gill:

boss or her family or different people. I mean, this is like a

Tanya Gill:

Molotov cocktail and everything she's put in jars on the shelves

Tanya Gill:

over the years. And I'm not trying to create that hurt for

Tanya Gill:

her. But I had to tell her because I also knew that first

Tanya Gill:

of all, is part of my healing. So selfishly, I had to do it for

Tanya Gill:

myself. Me first. But also, I have children. And they need to

Tanya Gill:

know. And they need to know not only because I needed to ensure

Tanya Gill:

that they weren't victims, but also because they need to know

Tanya Gill:

that if you know someone that this has happened to, or if this

Tanya Gill:

ever happens to you, or if someone tries to interfere in

Tanya Gill:

your personal space, sexually or otherwise, and it doesn't feel

Tanya Gill:

good. You don't have to fucking keep it a secret. So like,

Tanya Gill:

secrets are so poisonous. And I just I'm like, I can't, I cannot

Tanya Gill:

do the secret. I can't play the secret game. I can't pretend

Tanya Gill:

this isn't real. And everyone comes to this from a different

Tanya Gill:

lens. And I'm recognizing that there are people who are like,

Tanya Gill:

Okay, if it happened, it happened and put it away. Let's

Tanya Gill:

just go back to getting groceries, or having a family

Tanya Gill:

barbecue or whatever. It doesn't work this

Anna Maydonova:

way. It doesn't turn out this story is amazing.

Anna Maydonova:

You are such an inspiration for others, Tanya, and

Anna Maydonova:

unfortunately, sometimes it's really hard for people to hear

Anna Maydonova:

our stories. And this is the only story we're not allowed to

Anna Maydonova:

tell.

Tanya Gill:

And I you know, here's the thing about that. I

Tanya Gill:

think that there. There are a few pieces like number one, I

Tanya Gill:

think that we're moving to a place where we're recognizing

Tanya Gill:

that it that there's that intergenerational silence,

Tanya Gill:

right, the intergenerational silence of, you know, your mom's

Tanya Gill:

reaction, right. And, and I do believe that some of it is

Tanya Gill:

generational like, and I don't doubt, I don't doubt that there

Tanya Gill:

are way more women of that generation that were sexually

Tanya Gill:

abused and assaulted and, and, and hurt. And now we're moving

Tanya Gill:

into generations who are speaking up and saying, This has

Tanya Gill:

to fucking stop. And the only way it's going to fucking stop

Tanya Gill:

is if we say no more. This happened to me. And people need

Tanya Gill:

to know that it doesn't need to happen to them and they don't

Tanya Gill:

need to suffer in silence. And I really believe like I'm so sorry

Tanya Gill:

and and yet hearing this hearing your story Anna, it does it

Tanya Gill:

gives me me beautiful hope. And, and, and I also think that you

Tanya Gill:

know what you said about your mom saying that she knew and she

Tanya Gill:

kind of turned a blind eye if you will, locked away, walked

Tanya Gill:

away. I think that I think that a lot of women historically and

Tanya Gill:

maybe even presently feel so trapped, and so fearful

Tanya Gill:

themselves. And and don't trust themselves enough to either

Tanya Gill:

recognize what they think they're seeing and trying not to

Tanya Gill:

see. Right? Because there are flags, I don't fucking give a

Tanya Gill:

shit when anybody says their flags. And I'm going to share

Tanya Gill:

something very, very interesting and mind blowing with you. I

Tanya Gill:

grew up knowing that one of my dad's biggest fears was that he

Tanya Gill:

would be accused of sexually interfering molesting abusing

Tanya Gill:

me. In fact, when I said this to mom, she said to me, you know,

Tanya Gill:

one of his biggest fears was that you were going to accuse

Tanya Gill:

him of this one day. Okay? Here's the thing. That's not

Tanya Gill:

fucking normal. She knew that's not fucking normal. And I recall

Tanya Gill:

a time and I can tell you honestly, I, I've had some out

Tanya Gill:

of body experiences in my life, one of my out of body

Tanya Gill:

experiences I now recognize was actually when I was being

Tanya Gill:

abused. Another of my out of body experiences when I was

Tanya Gill:

around 15, or 16. And I was having a really big argument

Tanya Gill:

with my dad. Very, very common for he and I to argue I was the

Tanya Gill:

protector of my mom, I was the one who always stood up and kind

Tanya Gill:

of got in between and, and, and stood up for her and acted as

Tanya Gill:

her voice often when she was backing away. And he and I were

Tanya Gill:

having this argument in the living room, and he start he was

Tanya Gill:

yelling at me how lucky I was how lucky I was. And I was like,

Tanya Gill:

Lucky. And I was like, why am I so lucky? And he was like,

Tanya Gill:

You're lucky that I never

Laban Ditchburn:

touched you.

Tanya Gill:

Every father has those thoughts about his

Tanya Gill:

daughter, you're lucky I never touched you. And immediately I

Tanya Gill:

like literally had this total, bizarre out of body experience.

Tanya Gill:

And it was like I was looking in on this conversation happening

Tanya Gill:

between the two of us going, what the fuck is this? Who says

Tanya Gill:

this to their kid? This is messed up. And so you know, that

Tanya Gill:

was that was a conversation that existed, or a message that

Tanya Gill:

existed for I don't know, for sure how many years I'm going to

Tanya Gill:

be 48 I was abused when I was around three. So 45 years, this

Tanya Gill:

story's existed, maybe all 48? I don't know. But that's another

Tanya Gill:

example I think of where a red flag is something that you turn

Tanya Gill:

a blind eye to, because you just don't want to think that the

Tanya Gill:

someone you love would do this to someone else. You love.

Anna Maydonova:

Tonya, and you don't have to answer this

Anna Maydonova:

question. But I'm just wondering, what are those

Anna Maydonova:

flashes? What do you remember was happening?

Tanya Gill:

I was small. I was small. I was in laying asleep I

Tanya Gill:

was asleep on my parents bed. And the light in the hall was on

Tanya Gill:

and the door was open. And well, he abused me. I focused on

Tanya Gill:

different things in the room and and if you will, I floated

Tanya Gill:

around the room. So I know exactly what picture was hanging

Tanya Gill:

over the bed. I know what color the clock was I could I if I if

Tanya Gill:

I could draw. I could draw the clock because I focused on the

Tanya Gill:

clock with such distinct detail. Like it was a white clock. It

Tanya Gill:

had the little flip numbers. It had a little dial that rotated.

Tanya Gill:

The radio thing was across the bottom like I mean, I know that

Tanya Gill:

clock with extreme detail and and I literally floated around

Tanya Gill:

the room while it happened.

Anna Maydonova:

This is very common. What's happening to

Anna Maydonova:

victims of sexual abuse. How are you dealing Hang with those

Anna Maydonova:

memories. Now.

Tanya Gill:

I'm really, you know what I, it's been over a year

Tanya Gill:

now, I guess, because it was December of 2020. Right that he

Tanya Gill:

disclosed to me. And I've been working really diligently with

Tanya Gill:

my therapist and, and really working to, to continue to step

Tanya Gill:

into a place of loving and trusting myself in this journey.

Tanya Gill:

And that's kind of the biggest piece, my therapist is amazing.

Tanya Gill:

I've done a lot of EMDR. And I do recommend EMDR for trauma,

Tanya Gill:

because EMDR super powerful for trauma. But you know, you see

Tanya Gill:

your therapist once every two or three weeks, because you can't

Tanya Gill:

afford to see a therapist every day. So you've got to show up

Tanya Gill:

for yourself every day. And you know, like, for me, part of it

Tanya Gill:

is, like, honestly, like my self love adventure, right? What I

Tanya Gill:

do, the, the path that I created for myself is what I'm now

Tanya Gill:

sharing with women. And that's like, showing up for yourself

Tanya Gill:

every day in gentle ways, where you express gratitude, and you

Tanya Gill:

set yourself a plan for the day, and you recognize what's good in

Tanya Gill:

your life. And what you love about yourself every single day,

Tanya Gill:

so you're so my process is just reinforcing that for myself,

Tanya Gill:

right? Because one of my biggest struggles through life was

Tanya Gill:

around worthiness. And, and nothing fucks with your

Tanya Gill:

worthiness, like this. And, and then of course, when I chose to

Tanya Gill:

speak my truth, and it landed so poorly, immediately, it went

Tanya Gill:

back to my worthiness. And, and so, you know, and healing is a

Tanya Gill:

process, and I don't like to even call it an adventure. I

Tanya Gill:

don't like to call it a journey. I like to call it an adventure.

Tanya Gill:

Because you can look at it as like, Holy fuck, this sucks. And

Tanya Gill:

this is hard. And this is shit. And you know what the truth is?

Tanya Gill:

It is. But it's also like, everyday has an opportunity to

Tanya Gill:

be a little bit better to learn a little bit more, to trust

Tanya Gill:

myself more, and to know that the choices that I'm making are

Tanya Gill:

the right ones for me. And, and like a perfect example of that

Tanya Gill:

Anna is I historically spoke to my mother, every single morning

Tanya Gill:

8am when things didn't go well. I tried to give her some space.

Tanya Gill:

And I actually brought it up again, later. And she asked a

Tanya Gill:

question and then shut me down. And then and I say shut me down

Tanya Gill:

as and she just didn't want to talk about it. She was just

Tanya Gill:

like, she just wanted to make dinner and go back to like,

Tanya Gill:

everything was normal. And I can understand that because that's a

Tanya Gill:

really safe reaction to being in shock, right. But then I spent

Tanya Gill:

the whole night crying. And I stayed. And then the next

Tanya Gill:

morning, I knew it was like I have to talk to her, we have to

Tanya Gill:

talk about this, or I can't sit in this I can't be here, which

Tanya Gill:

was an awful thought because I was supposed to be there another

Tanya Gill:

day. And in the morning when she said she didn't want to talk

Tanya Gill:

about it, and she was like, just wanted to go about making plans

Tanya Gill:

for the day. I was like, I have to go home. Like I just I needed

Tanya Gill:

to be home. And like leaving was so hard. And you know, packing

Tanya Gill:

up and knowing like I gotta go like I have to leave, like this

Tanya Gill:

conversation is not going to continue and I have to leave.

Tanya Gill:

And when I left. I hugged her. And I told her I loved her. And

Tanya Gill:

she told me she loved me. And I haven't talked to her since. And

Tanya Gill:

so you know, it's been three weeks, and it hurts like a

Tanya Gill:

motherfucker.

Anna Maydonova:

Oh, I can imagine.

Tanya Gill:

And at the same time every single day. I'm like, I

Tanya Gill:

know that I did the right thing. I know that speaking my truth

Tanya Gill:

even if nobody wants to believe me, or people aren't and when I

Tanya Gill:

say nobody that's the other piece of it is people have the

Tanya Gill:

choice of whether or not they want to believe me. They do they

Tanya Gill:

have The choice. And I just have to accept that they can choose

Tanya Gill:

whether or not they're going to believe me, my mom did say to me

Tanya Gill:

in that conversation, he's not here to defend himself. And I

Tanya Gill:

was like, You're absolutely right. The question becomes, if

Tanya Gill:

this wasn't the truth, why the fuck would I bother sharing it

Tanya Gill:

after he was dead? Like exactly like, what? What's the value of

Tanya Gill:

me dragging him through the mud when he's dead?

Anna Maydonova:

I think, you know, you know, Tanya, not every

Anna Maydonova:

single experience are going so well, when we admit what was

Anna Maydonova:

happening to us as a children. In many cases, we try to protect

Anna Maydonova:

our parents. And the more we try to protect, the more we keep

Anna Maydonova:

silent, the more the more we keep silent, the more we we are

Anna Maydonova:

suffering. And then consequently, our kids start

Anna Maydonova:

suffering because we didn't go through this, through this

Anna Maydonova:

trauma, their kids start suffering because to heal the

Anna Maydonova:

trauma, it takes seven generation before and seven

Anna Maydonova:

generations after. What you've done is an amazing thing. Really

Anna Maydonova:

amazing. This is so inspiring. I just want people to know, if

Anna Maydonova:

it's not your parents, or your kids or your family, there are

Anna Maydonova:

always people you can resonate with. Who will understand you

Anna Maydonova:

who know exactly how you feel. And if, if you're looking to

Anna Maydonova:

talk to your parents, or your friends, your family, you need

Anna Maydonova:

to make sure you told this story to yourself. First. You need to

Anna Maydonova:

make sure that you are okay with the your boss. And you need to

Anna Maydonova:

make sure that now Mara, what was the reaction be? You trust

Anna Maydonova:

yourself, and what you felt you trusted yourself? You felt this

Anna Maydonova:

desire to tell her? How she talk is telling me that maybe she

Anna Maydonova:

didn't know exactly, but she could feel something. It's your

Anna Maydonova:

mother's instinct. And she was proud probably trying to bottle

Anna Maydonova:

it up all her life. And then you're you're confronting her

Anna Maydonova:

right now. And it's hard for her to admit that. She failed. She

Anna Maydonova:

failed to protect. That's what my mom told me. She feel so

Anna Maydonova:

guilty for not protecting me. But what are you can do, Tanya,

Anna Maydonova:

you can just put your hands on your chest and say, Tanya, I

Anna Maydonova:

love you. I'm here for you. Here for me. For me. Exactly. I am

Anna Maydonova:

here for me. I'm the only person who matters in my life.

Tanya Gill:

And in that is exactly it Anna that is exactly

Tanya Gill:

it. Like had I not intentionally stepped into building love for

Tanya Gill:

myself and with myself every day. Had I not actually taken

Tanya Gill:

the steps to create something intentional for myself. I don't

Tanya Gill:

know if I would have arrived here because it is a process and

Tanya Gill:

a practice of building trust. And And now again like Yeah, it

Tanya Gill:

hurts it hurts. I'm not going to pretend it doesn't hurt. I'm not

Tanya Gill:

gonna pretend like it was back and perfect. It's so perfectly

Tanya Gill:

in buck and perfect. Got right it is. But I trust myself. And

Tanya Gill:

that was why I said you know what, it's time to talk to Anna

Tanya Gill:

it's time to have a conversation with Anna about this. I'm

Tanya Gill:

starting my own podcast Anna it's launching. Oh my gosh, it's

Tanya Gill:

launching on March 27 I can't even believe it. That's like

Tanya Gill:

Eric Gill and

Anna Maydonova:

congratulations

Tanya Gill:

Thank you

Anna Maydonova:

What is your podcast will be about

Tanya Gill:

So my podcast is called lighten up and unstuck

Tanya Gill:

your What the fuck? With Tanya girl this name and it's really

Tanya Gill:

about we move through tons of what the fuck moments in life

Tanya Gill:

and it's about how to literally lighten up and how to still live

Tanya Gill:

with joy and goodness and peace and create the life we deserve

Tanya Gill:

because we only get one Anna you know it right? And how to do

Tanya Gill:

that in those WHAT THE FUCK moments because that's what

Tanya Gill:

lightening up is right to lighten up is to actually be

Tanya Gill:

able to shine in your soul. That's what It is

Anna Maydonova:

to be connected to yourself to your inner inner

Anna Maydonova:

child. Yeah, he's so

Tanya Gill:

connected to all of you,

Anna Maydonova:

all of you, Tanya, before we jump into your,

Anna Maydonova:

one of your Waterford moments that has changed your life

Anna Maydonova:

forever. I'm really curious if you have an opportunity to speak

Anna Maydonova:

to your family, to your husband and to your kids about what's

Anna Maydonova:

happened to you.

Tanya Gill:

So, my husband found out as soon as I got home, from

Tanya Gill:

my dad's disclosure, because when I got home, I fell apart.

Tanya Gill:

And so my husband knew. And also, I have a group of people

Tanya Gill:

in my life that I refer to as my High Council. My High Council

Tanya Gill:

are, they're not just best friends, they are, you know, at

Tanya Gill:

any time of day, if they called me and said, I need $25,000 And

Tanya Gill:

bring a shovel. I would be there no questions asked. Because I

Tanya Gill:

know they wouldn't be the same for me. Do you know what I mean?

Tanya Gill:

Like they're like, those are those people? Right? Yes. And

Tanya Gill:

what I also realized is that in order to have the kind of

Tanya Gill:

relationship that I have with those high council people, it

Tanya Gill:

takes incredible vulnerability on both parts. That is what

Tanya Gill:

makes a high council friendship. Gold. Yes. And so I told my, I

Tanya Gill:

told my husband and my High Council and then also my

Tanya Gill:

therapist, obviously. So when I came back home from telling my

Tanya Gill:

mom, I arrived home a day early. And immediately my son was like,

Tanya Gill:

what's going on? Why are you home early? What what's

Tanya Gill:

happening what like, and he could see, because I cried

Tanya Gill:

basically all night, all morning all day. Like I, I just looked

Tanya Gill:

like, I'd been hit by I don't even know what like I just was,

Tanya Gill:

I didn't know. Actually, I did, unfortunately, but I thought

Tanya Gill:

that I would start to run out of tears. And I remember actually,

Tanya Gill:

when my, my first husband passed away that I remember thinking,

Tanya Gill:

I'm gonna run out of tears. And and that was the same site that

Tanya Gill:

I had, actually with this conversation with my mom.

Tanya Gill:

Anyway. So I had the conversation with right away

Tanya Gill:

actually, I took my one son, and I said, like, where's your

Tanya Gill:

brother? Let's go chat with him. And I'll explain what's going

Tanya Gill:

on. And so I told them and, and their reaction was so

Tanya Gill:

heartbreakingly beautiful, because I knew when I told them

Tanya Gill:

it was going to change things for them. And I also needed to

Tanya Gill:

tell them why I was home and that things didn't go well

Tanya Gill:

telling grandma, so I was hitting them with all kinds of

Tanya Gill:

pieces, right? I was hitting them with this is what grandpa

Tanya Gill:

told me and this is when and you know, and this is where I am and

Tanya Gill:

I told grandma and it didn't go well. And I don't want them to

Tanya Gill:

ever ever question their love for their grandma like they have

Tanya Gill:

such a close relationship with her. So it cushion that in so

Tanya Gill:

much gentle packaging with grandma's in shock This is just

Tanya Gill:

This is just so much for her to take on. She just needs some

Tanya Gill:

time to process like I'm I do not want them to hate her I

Tanya Gill:

don't want them to ever question their love for her in any way.

Tanya Gill:

And their reactions were so beautiful. They cried for him

Tanya Gill:

with me when I told them what had happened to me they

Tanya Gill:

literally held me told me I was sorry they were that it it

Tanya Gill:

happened

Tanya Gill:

and one of my sons was like when I explained you know that my

Tanya Gill:

honesty was being questioned. He he got really angry. Really

Tanya Gill:

appropriately angry though, and he was like you don't people

Tanya Gill:

don't make this shit up. This is not something you fucking make

Tanya Gill:

up. And

Anna Maydonova:

what a small boy

Tanya Gill:

well and you know, their their tenderness and their

Tanya Gill:

compassion. Question and their understanding and their love.

Tanya Gill:

And also helping them understand like that they can grieve in

Tanya Gill:

this too, and that I'm here to support them in grieving in this

Tanya Gill:

too, because this is I mean, this is a different level of

Tanya Gill:

information about their grandpa, right. But I also did have the

Tanya Gill:

conversation, I'm like, and I want you to know, if something

Tanya Gill:

happened to you. Like, I'm here, I love you, I believe you, I

Tanya Gill:

trust you. Like, we will get through this together. Like,

Tanya Gill:

don't think that you have to keep some kind of secret. Like,

Tanya Gill:

we love each other enough to be able to hold space and get

Tanya Gill:

through this together.

Anna Maydonova:

This is gold. Tanya, I was waiting for this

Anna Maydonova:

moment. Thank you so much. It's so important when your kids

Anna Maydonova:

know, they can trust you.

Tanya Gill:

You know, what's amazing, though, is one of my

Tanya Gill:

kids was like what they both said that they had no memories,

Tanya Gill:

but then my, one of my kids was like, but you didn't have

Tanya Gill:

memories for like, 46 years. So who knows? Right? I'm like,

Tanya Gill:

well, Edie, if at any point in your life, you have any memories

Tanya Gill:

at all. I love you, and I'm here for you. And then he kind of

Tanya Gill:

laughed, like, you know, it's amazing, right? Like, you have

Tanya Gill:

those little fluctuations in energy and, and it was

Tanya Gill:

beautiful. And for me, it was also affirming that I've done a

Tanya Gill:

good job raising my kids. Like, as a single parent, I've been a

Tanya Gill:

single parent, since they were four and eight months old, I got

Tanya Gill:

married in 2020. I was a single parent through all of that. And

Tanya Gill:

so to have my 15 and 18 year old boys hold me and say they were

Tanya Gill:

sorry, and they love me. And it's like, oh my God, I've done

Tanya Gill:

a good job raising these boys and they are not going to

Tanya Gill:

perpetuate this. The generations or the generations of trauma are

Tanya Gill:

stopping. And now we're moving into the generations of healing.

Tanya Gill:

Right.

Anna Maydonova:

Tanya? How did your relationship with your

Anna Maydonova:

sounds has changed after you open up?

Tanya Gill:

You know, what's so amazing is it's only been a few

Tanya Gill:

weeks, right? It really has it's only been a few weeks. But wow,

Tanya Gill:

it has changed so much already. It feels more loving, light,

Tanya Gill:

open, connected, joyful. Like, I can't even tell you how

Tanya Gill:

different the energy of our family has changed. And, and,

Tanya Gill:

and. And it's kind of feel it's so beautiful. We just went for a

Tanya Gill:

week away. And as a family and it was six of us for the first

Tanya Gill:

few days. And then two kids had to go back to work. So then the

Tanya Gill:

other two stayed with us. And I mean, we've got kids between the

Tanya Gill:

ages of 15 and 22 or 23. And the level of connection that we have

Tanya Gill:

as a family is different. It's stronger, it feels more free and

Tanya Gill:

more loving and more open and vulnerable and safe. And I see

Tanya Gill:

it in them like the kids are like even little things they're

Tanya Gill:

they're being more open to being vulnerable. Like the freedom

Tanya Gill:

that is coming from this just within our own family is so

Tanya Gill:

beautiful.

Anna Maydonova:

This is so amazing. Tanya I'm so so happy

Anna Maydonova:

to hear this because you might help them to change. You might

Anna Maydonova:

help your mother to start her healing process. Heal healing

Anna Maydonova:

What did you say journey not journey adventure, adventure

Anna Maydonova:

adventure. Because there is no not easy to hear. No idea but my

Anna Maydonova:

my relationship with my mother has have improved dramatically,

Anna Maydonova:

she became a mama bear. She became so protective over me.

Anna Maydonova:

She would never ever tell my stepfather any bad words. And

Anna Maydonova:

now she turned, she turned around. And she literally saw

Anna Maydonova:

him when he was driving to work in the car. And she jumped on

Anna Maydonova:

the car. And she started to smashing the car and yelling,

Anna Maydonova:

how dare you are touching my, my daughter? The relationship

Anna Maydonova:

completely changed. I, what I'm what I think. Now, with your

Anna Maydonova:

mother, you don't have any elephants in the room? You can

Anna Maydonova:

be open and honest with your about everything. And Tanya, I

Anna Maydonova:

think watch. There is something coming from sorry. And

Tanya Gill:

I bet you and I, I trust, I really do. I trust that

Tanya Gill:

when the time is right, she will reach out. I also know and this

Tanya Gill:

is a very hard thing. And I had this conversation with actually

Tanya Gill:

one of my high council members just the other day. Because she

Tanya Gill:

knows that I talk to my mom every day, she knows that eight

Tanya Gill:

o'clock in the morning, it's been really, really hard for me.

Tanya Gill:

And I also know that I can't reach out to her. And and that,

Tanya Gill:

for me is a really interesting space to be because I really am

Tanya Gill:

someone who is a connector. Like I'm the one who reaches out

Tanya Gill:

almost always I'm like, I like bringing people together on the

Tanya Gill:

extrovert. I'm that person. And in this case, I can't do it. I

Tanya Gill:

need my mother to be my mother. And that's the only way I can

Tanya Gill:

explain it. It's like the little girl in me needs my mom to come

Tanya Gill:

to me. And I can't go to her to try and make it okay for her.

Tanya Gill:

And I will that's the thing. That's the tricky thing. Because

Tanya Gill:

even as I say it, I'm like yeah, but you will Tanya and I will

Tanya Gill:

like I will be there to help her understand and move through it

Tanya Gill:

and process. And I mean, God, maybe that's why I actually

Tanya Gill:

became a social worker. Maybe that was actually the divine

Tanya Gill:

purpose. I don't know, with all of the different things that

Tanya Gill:

I've had in my past what their purposes are, but I want to be

Tanya Gill:

there for my mom. But I need her to be the one who reaches out to

Tanya Gill:

me. And you know, my bestie she asked me what would you do? What

Tanya Gill:

will What if she doesn't? And I'm like I have to trust she

Tanya Gill:

will.

Anna Maydonova:

Tania, have you found your purpose in life? Yes.

Anna Maydonova:

What is it?

Tanya Gill:

It's in my mother's handwriting on my arm. inspire

Tanya Gill:

hope

Anna Maydonova:

for what an amazing purpose. And you all

Anna Maydonova:

hope your story is hope. You can be your own parent. You can you

Anna Maydonova:

can talk to your inner child.

Tanya Gill:

We spend lots of time together. And I think the

Tanya Gill:

other thing that people need to consider about the inner child,

Tanya Gill:

and this is something that I'm learning as well, is that I

Tanya Gill:

thought for over a year for actually almost two years, I

Tanya Gill:

have a picture of myself as a child up. And I have a little

Tanya Gill:

kind of meditations shrine, if you will, I don't like the word

Tanya Gill:

shrine, but I have a little meditation area and I have a

Tanya Gill:

picture of myself as a child three or four in that area. And

Tanya Gill:

I've had that be a part of my life for a couple of years. But

Tanya Gill:

now when I look at that little girl i i know that she's a

Tanya Gill:

little girl that that had the trust stripped from her in a

Tanya Gill:

really unfair and horrible way. And but I also recognize that

Tanya Gill:

she is not the only inner child that needs recognition. I have

Tanya Gill:

another inner child that's like almost eight years old, who has

Tanya Gill:

stuff going on. And then I also have that inner child who was

Tanya Gill:

15th or 16th, who was standing up and fighting with my dad. So,

Tanya Gill:

you know, so I've got different, I've got different inner

Tanya Gill:

children that I'm spending some time with and paying attention

Tanya Gill:

to what they need. And that's really it, right? They need me,

Tanya Gill:

first of all, to love myself and trust myself, because I am the

Tanya Gill:

adult in this relationship right now, the relationship with

Tanya Gill:

myself, I'm the adult, I get to make the decisions. It's really

Tanya Gill:

fucking exciting that I get to decide, nobody decides for me.

Tanya Gill:

And I also get to decide for those kids and I get to decide

Tanya Gill:

the best things for them. Right, I get to show up for them and be

Tanya Gill:

like, Girl, we're gonna fucking do it. We're having a dance

Tanya Gill:

party in the messy backyard today with the dog because

Tanya Gill:

everybody needs to do. And we're going to, we're going to rock

Tanya Gill:

our ships. Today, we're going to have amazing coaching sessions

Tanya Gill:

with clients, we're going to, and we're going to every single

Tanya Gill:

day, we show up every single day that me and the girls show up.

Tanya Gill:

It's not just a fucking win, but it's an opportunity to shine.

Anna Maydonova:

That's what I called Turn your trauma into

Anna Maydonova:

your superpower. Right? Because it doesn't, it doesn't have to

Anna Maydonova:

be yes, trauma can destroy our lives. Yes, it takes our power

Anna Maydonova:

away. But it doesn't have to be this way. This trauma, this

Anna Maydonova:

healing is your source of superpower. Right now. There is

Anna Maydonova:

nothing to be afraid of. Right now. You live through this now.

Anna Maydonova:

And now it's in your in your hands in your power to, to do

Anna Maydonova:

whatever you want in this life,

Tanya Gill:

to do whatever I want, whatever you want,

Tanya Gill:

whatever any one of your listeners wants. Like we have

Tanya Gill:

that ability to make the choice, right? And don't like yeah, and,

Tanya Gill:

you know, you talk about the trauma healing is a process and

Tanya Gill:

it is a practice. Like, I really, truly believe that you

Tanya Gill:

have to show up for yourself intentionally to move toward

Tanya Gill:

healing. And it doesn't mean it has to be fixated on what that

Tanya Gill:

is, it means it needs to be fixated on loving yourself and

Tanya Gill:

taking care of yourself. Right, that's where that's where

Tanya Gill:

healing comes from. And, and you know, like, you can choose, you

Tanya Gill:

can choose to sit in, I am trauma, I am a victim, I am

Tanya Gill:

worthless, because this has happened to me. Or you can say,

Tanya Gill:

this is part of my story. Potentially it happened for me,

Tanya Gill:

which is also really fucking scary to say, my father sexually

Tanya Gill:

abused me for me. But maybe the for me was part of me being now

Tanya Gill:

with you and like you, sharing our voices and saying, This

Tanya Gill:

isn't okay, and inspiring other people to step into their own

Tanya Gill:

self worth and their own love, and realizing that whether it's

Tanya Gill:

happened to you, or whether it hasn't. We all know it's not

Tanya Gill:

fucking okay. And we all need to love ourselves and each other.

Anna Maydonova:

That's so beautiful, tiny why helping

Anna Maydonova:

people is so important.

Tanya Gill:

I know that I was put on this planet to help

Tanya Gill:

people. I know that from the time I was a child to to this

Tanya Gill:

very moment. I've always been a helper. And I think that some of

Tanya Gill:

us are naturally born into helping roles. And I think that

Tanya Gill:

we're nurtured into helping helpers as well. And I think

Tanya Gill:

that when we are empathic, and we feel what other people feel.

Tanya Gill:

And we care so deeply. That being a helper is a double edged

Tanya Gill:

sword. But it's the purpose, right? Like, I know that there

Tanya Gill:

are costs of being a helper but at the exact same time, like

Tanya Gill:

when I have the honor of seeing a light bulb moment for one of

Tanya Gill:

my clients. When I get a text message from a client who says

Tanya Gill:

oh my god, I just did this, or thank you for helping me or or

Tanya Gill:

I'm having a really fucking great day and I love myself.

Tanya Gill:

Like I actually have gotten text messages from clients who say

Tanya Gill:

I've had a really great day and I love myself and I'm thinking

Tanya Gill:

like that is so fucking awesome, right? Because, because it's, I

Tanya Gill:

don't, it's a funny thing because I love helping other

Tanya Gill:

people. But ultimately I want people to be able to help

Tanya Gill:

themselves too. And we are having this human experience on

Tanya Gill:

this planet, all 6 billion of us needing to find our way forward.

Tanya Gill:

And we are up and for love. And for me helping is about love.

Tanya Gill:

Like, I really truly believe that I am loving light, you are

Tanya Gill:

loving light, we are all loving light. And if I can help you in

Tanya Gill:

some way that helps you magnify your love and light a little bit

Tanya Gill:

more. That shits contagious.

Unknown:

Oh, he's

Tanya Gill:

like, and so that's the beauty of being a helper,

Tanya Gill:

because I get jacked on seeing other people get jacked, doing

Tanya Gill:

amazing things for and with themselves. And then the people

Tanya Gill:

who are in their direct realm are also being positively

Tanya Gill:

influenced. And the people that are in their direct realm are

Tanya Gill:

also being positively influenced. And it's like

Tanya Gill:

dropping a little tiny love bomb and it creating this massive

Tanya Gill:

ripple of light and love forever and ever. Magic.

Anna Maydonova:

I love it, I love it. And then it's a such a

Anna Maydonova:

healing process for yourself. Right? Isn't it when people when

Anna Maydonova:

when you when you know how people feel, when you know how

Anna Maydonova:

to help, when you know what to do, we can go through everything

Anna Maydonova:

when you have those tools, and a bit of confidence and a bit of

Anna Maydonova:

help from people who went through this before.

Tanya Gill:

And the community are very important to wave that

Tanya Gill:

art that community is so powerful. I really do. And when

Tanya Gill:

we find our people and we find our tribe and and or in in my

Tanya Gill:

business, I call it the collective. And so people who

Tanya Gill:

are members of the self love adventure become part of the

Tanya Gill:

collective and the collective is like those people who are on the

Tanya Gill:

same time. And when we find the people who are on the same path

Tanya Gill:

and we can speak honestly and just share and be together

Tanya Gill:

without expectations. There is so much magic in it.

Unknown:

I agree with you.

Tanya Gill:

Yes, hello.

Anna Maydonova:

Why people can find you Oh right.

Tanya Gill:

People can find me on the socials at perfectly

Tanya Gill:

imperfect dot WTF. and my website is also perfectly

Tanya Gill:

imperfect. Dot WTF. So perfect. And my email address is Tanya at

Tanya Gill:

perfectly imperfect dot WTF. And you know what I know, the

Tanya Gill:

perfectly imperfect WTF is, is really, it's really embodies who

Tanya Gill:

I am like, I am so perfectly imperfect. I am a recovering

Tanya Gill:

perfectionist, who is like, okay, you know what, it's time

Tanya Gill:

to just step forward and do your thing, even if you do mess it

Tanya Gill:

up. Because what the fuck moments happen everywhere. And

Tanya Gill:

we can decide if they're what the fucks? Or if they're, what's

Tanya Gill:

this for? So yeah, so that's where you can find me, you can

Tanya Gill:

find me there. And I'm actually starting, I don't know when this

Tanya Gill:

is going to be broadcast. But I'm starting a new self love

Tanya Gill:

adventure on April 2 For people who are interested in joining.

Tanya Gill:

It's 90 days, it's only $99. And it's worth 349. But I keep it at

Tanya Gill:

$99. Because I know that when people don't feel a lot of self

Tanya Gill:

love, they also don't feel like investing in themselves. And so

Tanya Gill:

I'm like, I want this to get into the hands of as many people

Tanya Gill:

as possible. Because it's a simple process of showing up for

Tanya Gill:

yourself that really does build that momentum of self love. It's

Tanya Gill:

gorgeous. It's so gorgeous.

Anna Maydonova:

So investing in yourself is the the most

Anna Maydonova:

beautiful thing that I've ever done for myself.

Tanya Gill:

Me too.

Anna Maydonova:

It's so important. You can't do this on

Anna Maydonova:

your own. You need this community of people who knows

Anna Maydonova:

who know what to do who went through this, so I reckon it's

Anna Maydonova:

gonna be amazing. Thank you Well Tanya, before we go, do you have

Anna Maydonova:

any concluding thoughts?

Tanya Gill:

You know, Anna, I was really nervous about

Tanya Gill:

speaking with you. And one of the things that I've been really

Tanya Gill:

paying attention to is, the feelings in our body around

Tanya Gill:

nervousness and excitement are often the same. And I was

Tanya Gill:

sitting before we met, and trying to decide if I was

Tanya Gill:

nervous, or if I was excited. And I told you just a few

Tanya Gill:

seconds ago that I was really nervous. And the truth is, I was

Tanya Gill:

legitimately nervous because talking honestly about this

Tanya Gill:

still does feel really fucking scary. I'm going to be honest,

Tanya Gill:

it does, it feels scary. But as I'm sitting here, right now, I'm

Tanya Gill:

noticing that the feeling that I have in my body is also

Tanya Gill:

excitement. And that is because every time I talk about it, it

Tanya Gill:

gives me an opportunity to feel a little more free. And so, I

Tanya Gill:

guess, you know, my closing thought is that if one of your

Tanya Gill:

listeners is a victim of sexual abuse, sexual assault, and they

Tanya Gill:

haven't shared it with anyone yet, find that one person that

Tanya Gill:

they can trust. Because the first time you share it, it

Tanya Gill:

hurts like hell. But as you speak your truth more, it feels

Tanya Gill:

more and more freeing, and your soul actually feels lighter and

Tanya Gill:

lighter, and more. Whole again. So it's worth it. The freedom is

Tanya Gill:

worth it. It really is.

Anna Maydonova:

Tanya, thank you so much for sharing.

Tanya Gill:

Thank you, Anna. I enjoy you. I love you. You are a

Tanya Gill:

beautiful soul. And I am so grateful for our friendship, my

Tanya Gill:

friend.

Anna Maydonova:

I love you too. Tanya, you're such an

Anna Maydonova:

inspiration.

Unknown:

You're awesome.

Anna Maydonova:

Ladies and gentleman, Tanya Gill Gil. Thank

Anna Maydonova:

you for being here. I know it's not easy. But there is a part of

Anna Maydonova:

you, who is ready to take this journey all the way. And I can

Anna Maydonova:

help. Reach out to me directly at Aina at nma the nova.com to

Anna Maydonova:

get to work. You can also connect with me on Instagram,

Anna Maydonova:

Facebook, LinkedIn. For more healing stories and magic. This

Anna Maydonova:

journey is impossible to do on your own. So make sure to like,

Anna Maydonova:

subscribe, and review the podcast so we can help more

Anna Maydonova:

people like you. If you have someone in your life who is

Anna Maydonova:

struggling to overcome their trauma, this is something you

Anna Maydonova:

can give them that truly can change the course of their life

Anna Maydonova:

forever. We'll see you next time for another episode of the

Anna Maydonova:

world's best Trauma Recovery podcast. And just to remember,

Anna Maydonova:

you are able to help yourself and you can do it right now.