EP42: Coming Out Of The Dark with Jesse Szymanski

This is winning with wellness, a podcast about inspiring the wellness warrior in you. If you're feeling lost or alone in your wellness journey, or looking for new ideas and inspiration, you are in the right place, a place you can learn about all things wellness, in business life and living. Your host Jenny rice, we'll be bringing you inspiring stories and practical tools to improve your overall wellness personally and professionally. Imagine what living a life of wellness would be like. Thank you for joining us today.

Hello, everyone. Welcome back to your next episode of winning with wellness. I am absolutely jumping out of my seat to be sitting here with Jesse Szymanski. Jesse, thank you so much for being here today.

Oh, thank you for having me. Thank you so much.

I cannot wait to dig into this conversation with you. We've been kind of talking behind the scenes on what we're going to get into. And I think you're, you're gonna resonate with a lot of people I know, you and I always move into these, you know, we connect on the surface levels. And before you know what we're digging deep, so I can't wait to see what happens when we move into this conversations gonna be a good one. So I though first would really like to introduce you as the professional that you are. That's one of the ways that we actually met was through through working together. And I'd like the world to know a little bit more about you and what you do from a professional side of things. So Jessie is an award winning television producer and entrepreneur. She is also the founder and CEO of modern Muse media, and Alberta based business promoting powerful brand building storytelling through video and content creation, which I have to say I use your tips all the time when I'm recording videos. I do I absolutely do. And also to modern news media is a video production and video training company that empowers professionals and how to capitalize on the tangible impact of video as the premier medium for business promotion and marketing. Jesse's passion is to entertain, train and inspire people through the power of story and video every single day. And I couldn't agree more. Like I said, I've been touched by your own expertise, which is incredible. So Jesse, I can't wait to share some time with you today. Thanks again for being here.

Thank you, yes, we are pretty lucky, we get to share space with folks doing what we absolutely love and empowering them to conquer some major fears around this, this big thing called video, which, which tends to be a monster that people want to hide away from, in the midst of all of the other flurry of things that they have to do. So that's, that's definitely something we love doing is making it fun, easy and accessible.

And I think that's, you know, you touched on a really great point, people avoid it. And everybody that I talked to being a coach, as you can imagine, I'm always coaching people in different ways to, you know, get themselves be seen stand in their strengths, and, you know, shifting their mindset. And one of the biggest things that comes forward is people don't feel that they're good enough to be on camera, or that they're smart enough or intelligent enough, or well spoken enough or look pretty or whatever might be that barrier, whether it's true or untrue. To them, it you know, it's a solid roadblock. And I know you come up against that quite often with the people that you work with in, in getting them ready to step into the media side of things

every single day that we're working every single day. In fact, when I speak often about getting visible getting getting video or getting into video, I'll see people's physiological response, I will see people tense up. And you know, in my presence, which is not the impact that I want to leave on people, but you know, for me, it's when that finance person gets up there and starts talking about the numbers stuff that I get the same reaction, but I will watch people cringe or look away or not want to make eye contact knowing that this is something that they need to embrace, because it's not going away. And oftentimes what is fascinating is that it's actually not as much the technical skills or lack thereof, that we need to overcome. It's the ability to be comfortable in front of the camera and getting one's own self and one's own barriers and restrictions and fears in regards to that, that is the most common pain point that we work with.

It's fascinating, isn't it? It's fascinating. It's not that people aren't capable. And it's not that they don't have the skill set. It's, it's the story we're probably carrying from when we were kids from, you know, somebody seeing something that made us feel we weren't worthy enough to be seen in that light. So, you know, I wanted to ask you a question. And I love asking this question for all our guests, because of course, here and our guests are listening. They're really excited about wellness and what wellness means for everybody. And I know what I'm always fascinated with this people's response to this question, and it doesn't matter, there is no right or wrong answer. But I would love to know what wellness actually means to you, not only you as a person, but potentially in business as well.

Yeah, you know, when you speak about wellness, I think about the words alignment and balance. And this word balance actually has also become almost like this negative word, because when you bring that word up, you also see people cringe, and, and self judged or criticized in regards to what they perceive of as, rather their lack of balance. And so what is interesting with the word balance, is that it looks differently for all of us. And that may mean that you're working more at this time, and you're focusing more on your personal time. And I feel like balance is something that is moving, it's constantly moving, it's not this perfectly scale, you know, perfectly balanced scale, where you have just the right amount of this and just the right amount of this, and this is how you live day in day out, right. But wellness is definitely striving to achieve balance and alignment. So flow in each quadrant of your life, right. And so, and I think that it's something that is, like I said, ever evolving, I don't know that were in a constant can find that perfect place of being in balance on a daily basis. But I think allowing the fluidity and flexibility of what you're striving for balance to be, be your goal, right. And for me, that's wellness, that's wellness, because when you're feeling balanced in your quadrants, that's when you're feeling in that state of calm, joy, stillness, I suffer from anxiety, and I'm building on my toolbox regularly to cope and deal and just learning. And some days are better than others, right. And so, when I feel level, when I don't feel anxious when I don't feel adrenal rashie that, for me is a win in wellness. And that, for me is feeling balanced. And

I love that you bring light to the word balanced, because it's one of these words that, like you say, can be extremely toxic for some and very rewarding or, you know, like a compass for others, depending on how it we perceive it. Because it I to have shifted what balance means for me, because I used to consider it, like you said, the scale was completely even everything was getting the exact same amount of pouring in the carpet the exact same time. And I realized when I'm in working really hard in my business to, to scale up and level up, there is no way I can put the same amount of energy into my personal space and my personal you know, so balance is understanding when I need to take from one to get to the other, how do I make sure that I'm still in alignment, I love that you tap into that, because balance is one of those weird words where you know, we all want our balance when they were like but Is it attainable? Does that exist? Is it possible? So it's it's again redefining and looking at what that looks like, you know, you talk Jesse to about in an I appreciate you sharing your personal journey with with anxiety and I know you're our exceptionally busy businesswoman. How are you finding the you know, you're talking about finding the balance or living within a semblance of balance, let's say, what are you finding that it's working for you maybe and what's not working for you maybe and only answer what you want to answer

because that was kind of a loaded question. Very, very loaded. And there's been different things that I've leaned on both positive and negative through This journey and yeah, so asking for help. And leaning on support systems has been something that's new for me. And something that I'm trying to lean more into, rather than some of the negative habits or even addictions that I have definitely leaned on in the past. And this is actually one of the first times that I'll be sharing, I think the first time that I'll be sharing some of this, which is, which has been my journey, actually, for the last six years. And so things got really, really tight in and around the second year of business. And I come from a film and television background, I was award winning television producer very lucrative, highlighting amazing career in that industry, walking red carpets, rubbing elbows with stars, I was very successful. And I lost everything. And I say that with quotation marks because I realized, no, I only had something to gain, which was my company, which was amazing. But at that point, I was in an ugly cry on the kitchen floor. And my identity was lost in that as well, because I was known across Canada to be the producer. And, and I didn't really know who I was apart from that. So we embarked, I rather embarked on starting a company and really meeting all new people in this corporate world, I may have may as well have been from a different planet, I say, because I knew no one. So I was a newbie, I was the baby printer, I would call myself these things and self label and judge for myself for a lot of this stuff. And what ended up happening is, you know, I'm really, really great at what I do, which is video, video production, TV, producing that I knew nothing about running a business. And I got myself into a large amount of debt. And I got very, very, very sick from burnout, I got pneumonia, actually. And I was hospitalized. And I almost lost it all. And it was a good thing because I actually needed to see and feel what losing it all was going to feel like in order to separate myself yet again, from something that I attached my identity to. But unfortunately, what ended up happening along the way, is I started to lean on some really unhealthy habits. And one of those things was I was already a smoker, I was a closet smoker. And this is going to surprise a lot of people. Like no one would ever guess because I'm a runner, and I drink smoothies and I juice and I get like Instagram is like follows my health journey and, and I had this little deep dark secret that was connected to my mom who passed away when I was really young. And, and also it was really prominent and prevalent in the in the film and TV industry and, and so I carry this habit with me. And and I leaned on that that was my coping with anxiety and things would get tense and I would smoke. But not only that, I started to consume more and more wine. And this would be on a regular basis, this is a became a crutch. And it really actually is in a lot of senses in a lot of spheres in the world. Right now. There's not only the COVID pandemic, but there is the wine pandemic. And it's especially with women. And so there's this permission that's being granted that we almost need, because we all need permission to be able to take a break and self care and it's okay to have, you know, a couple extra glasses or whatever the case may be. And and we're listening to this and we're absorbing this and we're we're all overrun and we're overwrought and and and a lot of us over anxious. And when I drank wine, the worry would go away and the debt would go away and I would smoke and drink in the evenings and it became more and more and more because what ended up happening is that of course in order to get that numbing experience and sensation you know you start to need to increase amounts. Yes. And it's oh, this is yeah, this is the first time I'm actually talking about this

because the breakthroughs are actually pretty new for me I would say in the last year and so yeah, I think I was on the path to self destruction there's there's no question that if I would have continued on that the amount that I was consuming only in the evenings I'm you know after hours and in my own time sitting outside by myself numbing out it wasn't good. I was definitely seen responses in my body. I was definitely seen responses in my blood work my my doctor had flagged and I needed to make a change. And I didn't know that I was going to be able to because it just became such a way of life, you know, you come home and you pour that glass of wine and you settle down, and you're making dinner and then that turns into another into another and into another. And it became a normal way of life. And let me tell you, you wake up feeling really nasty and really shameful. But at four or five o'clock, once that's all settled and simmered, and you've gone through a day, you're right back at that same place again. And, and this one on, this went on for, you know, quite a few years, I would say. And it's, it needed to stop and needed to break. And some of the stuff like even the propaganda, or the posters, or the wine culture, whatever, even if I had anything like that around me, I needed to kind of get rid of that. And, and I think it's something that we really need to challenge, especially with a pandemic and the increase of alcohol consumption and, and what that's done to us as a society and how that's impact family violence and domestic abuse. And so I'm rabbit holing. But essentially, what needed to happen is, I took the steps to quit smoking, and I had tried to quit smoking quite a few times. But of course, if I wasn't smoking, I wasn't going to be drinking, because drinking is a big trigger for smoking for those who have ever dabbled in it or

even danced in either pool, right? Luckily, they go hand in hand. They're great partners.

They began to dance together question. And so I yeah, I did the countdown. And I embarked on a quick quit date. And I have an incredible partner, somebody that I don't know that I would have been successful doing this without brought in a lot more people. So quitting before was really secretive. And I would let people know, you know, I'm on a couple boards, I would let things slip, like, Oh, I'm a bit testy, because I've quit smoking. And it's no way I didn't know you smoked. But suddenly, I was letting people in, oh my gosh, if you need to call, if you need, you know, a crutch if you need somebody to talk to, or I've been that through that before. And it opened up these doors of support that I didn't even know I had, simply by letting people know and that cry for help, was just letting people know that this is something that I was either embarking on or was in the midst of. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. They say that quitting smoking is parallel to that of a heroin addiction. I can tell you that I had shake side withdraw, I wanted to, I would rather smoke than live. There were some points where I said those things in my head, I'm like, this isn't worth it. I'd rather die than not have my little vise I only have one thing and it's like, that's not true. Your one thing is connected to another thing and, you know, so on and so on. Yeah. So yeah, um, it's been a wild ride. And, and I and I've come out of it, I've come out on the other side feeling better than ever, I I've embraced some new sports and getting back into volleyball and continuing to run and getting back into yoga, trying to fill my time with things other than sitting in the backyard, leaning on unhealthy addictions to numb out. And for anybody that does or has, or whatever the case may be. I gotta tell you, there's no shame. And there's a lot of shame. There's a lot of shame the next day, and there's a lot of like, self judgment. And, and it wasn't until I was able to get help with some of those things that I can actually conquer this because you can get into this really, really negative spiral. But it's, it's been a wild ride. But I'm at the point now where I can consume a glass or even half a glass of wine and not even get through one and not even feel compelled to or pulled soon. And sometimes you can put off by to do that.

If you're in the driver's seat, which is such a beautiful portion. You know, honestly, Jesse, I can't thank you enough for sharing the rawness of your story. Because I guarantee you, there are people that are listening right now that are resonating with your experience that are going through the exact same thing and 100% agree this COVID situation has somehow given us a free pass to, you know, sit in front of the TV, more game game weights. And, again, please don't send hate mail. It's not about gaining weight. It's about the health long term impact of your life. I'm not here to say gaining weight or not gaining weight is good or bad for you, but the overall effect is so powerful and the fact that you've shared it, it just resonates so deeply. I quit drinking, oh, gosh, I think like 10 year, I don't know, I gotta look it up, I keep saying five years ago, my husband's like you haven't drank in 10 years or something, I don't even know, it's been a really long time. But I still remember the day that I decided not to drink anymore. And the journey that it took, it's a journey. And again, understanding how uncomfortable it makes other people feel, is in standing in the confidence of sharing with people. And I think, you know, if I could highlight a couple things that you've shared is make the decision for yourself. Come up with an action plan, get people to support you don't be ashamed of it. This is a powerful move, whether you know, you're going vegan, or whether you're you know, deciding to run, whether you're quitting smoking, whether you've decided to stop drinking, whatever it is, be proud of that decision. Because what we, when we get people to rally with us, we tend to step in more and stronger. And I cannot wait to hear from you on the responses from people when they hear this episode. Because I know you have graciously braved and shared a secret that people maybe didn't know, I know, You've shared now that you've told some, but there will be people like you say that their mouse will drop open and they'll be like

yeah, oftentimes, we look at each other that you have it all together, I hear that a lot. You know, I am there's a presence I, you know, that I have, and I and I get a lot of feedback that Jesse, you know, you just seem to have it all together. And everybody wants to be like you, so on and so forth. Right. And, and, you know, everybody has their battles. And none of us are exempt from that, you know, and, and none of us are getting out alive. But

oh, well, we already started baby.

Yeah, hopefully we can be at our best health and, and, and what does that look like? It's different, it's different for each of us. I just think that we are so much more alike than we even realize. And you're right. I think that for those that know me, or have seen me through this journey of building this business, the last few years would be really shocked to kind of know what was going on evenings are in the darker and you know, within my own shame circle, um, but that it is some surmountable, you can overcome and I honestly there were some times right was like am I actually going to be able to get out of this, like am I going to be able to break break this pattern, and it's bringing people in, it is and it's, that's the hard part because it's so scary and it is so shameful and, and just like with even the depths, which now I don't even call that the investment that I made into my company, I knew nothing about business and that this is actually quite common, you need to make an investment in order to to be able to build something and I started from nothing, I didn't start from an inheritance and I didn't start from you know, a big lump sum of cash or capital I started from nothing so of course you're going to need to be able to do that in order to build something and now I'm seeing it come down and and that's only because I asked for help and that was opening my books to folks was just like opening my life to people today. It's without creating that tiny tiny you just need to open it a crack and there will be people on the other side waiting that will surprise you. And I'm one of them if you're struggling with any of these things and want to chat or want to reach out to someone who gets it who's been through it understands I am here cuz there have been so many people there by just me even prying it open a little and just an aside conversation going Yeah, I think I might be in trouble and I think I might need help with like, my numbers and and then hearing that call for help. You know the right people heard those hints and came and came and stepped in and and we're not meant to do it alone. Oh, the village.

Yeah, it takes a village and the courage to to remember that. It's okay to say yes, you need help. Right? Like the doors are opening people will open the door for you. You got to step through the door. You know, you've got to take Do you want some help with that? Yeah, I do. Yes, I do. You don't have to do it alone. I love that you share that. Jesse just so that we don't forget how do people find you? Where do they find you?

They can find me at Well, my company, again is modern Muse media. And you can reach me at the website, which is modern muse. media.ca. You can send an email to info at Modern use media.ca. I get those as well. And yeah, you can look me up on all different social platforms. And my my door is open.

I love it. So before we sign off, I would love to know currently right now, what are your top two or three modalities for healing that you're working with right now? Hmm,

I love that question. Thank you. So, the start of this path, this journey of health that I would definitely not have been able to even like shift or get on track for was with Corby furrow. And that was through Emotional Freedom Techniques. I tell Corby all the time that she saved my life and she are using says, No, you saved your own and then we hug it out. I love that woman so much. And I am so you know, grateful for EFT Emotional Freedom Techniques. I've also done some amazing coaching with Stacey Berger. And so having some kind of coach, some third party, mentor, whatever that looks like, I do see incredible value in that we often can't see ourselves and what we're going through and what we're in the midst of, it's really great to have a third party observer. And and yeah, I guess a modality. This is just, I'm just gonna throw this out there, getting vulnerable, being vulnerable. And I don't know if that's considered a modality, or, or whatever the case may be. But honestly, me being vulnerable, like in this conversation and letting people know what I've been through or sharing or opening, like I said, just propping that door open a crack has always served me there's something great that has always come out of it, because that's how we truly connect.

Oh, Jesse, thank you so much on behalf of myself and the listeners for sharing your truth and, you know, trusting us with this incredible, you know, story and just feeling compelled to share it with us in this moment. Thank you so much for that I will always feel blessed to be a part of that. That reveal, shall we say, but it You inspire me I've I've shared this with you in the past, I think your courage, I'm inspired. I mean, I know how successful you are. But I've always been in, you've shared your stories. And I'm just inspired by your courage and your resilience. So thank you so much for being on the show today. It has been an honor. And for those of you don't worry, we will make sure that Jesse's contact information is in the shownotes. She's also an incredible member of your holistic Earth do not hesitate to find her there you can look for in the directory. And she also posts any events that she has up and coming so if you're inspired to do some work with her or want to learn how to do that media peace you guys, that's that's what her jam is. She says she is truly an expert. That's where a great place that you can find that resources and those information. So Jessie, thank you again for being here.

Thank you. Thank you so much for creating such a safe space and for leading this incredible organization and community. We are so grateful to be a part of it.