It’s Time to Get Out Of the Box You Are Living In With Dr. Amanda Crowell | UYGW10

A friend of mine recently got an article accepted

into the journal Science. That's a big deal. When you get

something into science, you're pretty much guaranteed a job at

a research institution, or at least a really, really good

postdoctoral fellowship. It opens big time doors. For real.

This is one of my very good friends. And she does really

interesting research. She deserves this break. And yet,

when she was telling me her good news, it went like this. You'll

never guess what happened. Remember that study I was doing

about that thing? I'm going to stop right there, because

researchers will go, shall we talking for the next 15 minutes,

we go into extremely intense detail. This is me. Yes, of

course. Well, my advisor suggested that we submit to

science, but of course, I never thought it would get in. Right?

No, really, no one ever gets into science, like 1% of things

are accepted to science. But it did. I can't believe it. It's so

crazy. I really didn't expect it to but it got accepted. And they

don't even want very many revisions. That is so great. I

know. And then she seemed to lose a little bit of steam. It

is right. I'm sorry. I should have asked you about your work.

She looks down and then at me a little nervous. She didn't want

me to feel bad about where I was in light of her good news.

You're sorry. Oh, no, no, you're not awesome. Yes. Proud. Yes,

amazing, obviously, but sorry. Oh, hell no. Now we've been

friends for years. And I've never known her to hide from

success. But this one seemed like just a little bit too much

for her. I could see it dawned on her that this might divide us

that I might feel left behind. This happens a lot. It's pretty

common for someone to have a moment of success and then lay

really low, like they did something wrong. It's a silly

word balloons, living alongside all these other balloons in a

neighborhood of boxes, a constrained but orderly

existence. And then suddenly they find themselves alone

outside, untethered, and on the rise, after a moment, Freedom

induced euphoria, they get spooked. What about everyone

else? What if they don't want to talk to me now that I'm outside

the box, and then they run back inside determined once again to

live low, just like everyone else. I hear them. No one wants

to be all alone in a scary, unpredictable world. But the

same time, do you want to live your life trying to be so small

that no one ever feels intimidated, impressed or amazed

by you? That doesn't sound to me, like a life where you will

make things that you care about better, or where you push your

artistic, logical and creative boundaries to new heights, it

surely doesn't sound like a life full of adventure, challenge or

excitement. It is not a life of great work. You have to leave

the box behind my friends. Because first of all, that box

is boring, you are already chafing against it, aren't you.

And frankly, that box is dangerous, because there's

always someone who wants to make it smaller.

Let's imagine that you did something really great. Like get

your first truly ideal high paying client. And then along

comes your accomplished friend. Don't be too awesome, darling.

She says I'll feel left out even though I'm also pretty great. So

you downplay your success and start saying it's no big deal.

And I must have great luck, and your box shrinks. Then along

comes to your friend. And then along comes your friend who

feels stuck. Don't get too excited, or I'll feel even worse

about my own situation. So you go mute about your

accomplishments. If someone's interested, you reason they'll

ask and your box shrinks. Then, along comes your friend who's

great at complaining. Don't pretend like you have a good

life. You and I both know that life sucks. Come on, let's

complain. And then you find yourself actually complaining

about this amazing opportunity in and then you find yourself

actually complaining about this amazing opportunity and feeling

like a traitor to your own life. And your box gets a little bit

tighter. Finally, the worst friend of all comes along the

insecure diva, I suppose to be the one who's amazing. What do

you mean you have this great opportunity. I never get great

opportunities anymore. I guess my time is over. She lays a hand

across her bow. And she lays a hand across her brow peeking at

you through one eye just to make sure you're taking the bait,

which you do, assuring her that your opportunity is really not

that great. And all of her opportunities were better. And

suddenly the Your opportunity is not that great. And all of her

opportunities were obviously so much better. Suddenly, that box

has a kung fu grip on your heart, and it's squeezing.

Please forgive me when I say this. You need to fuck that

shit. Let me introduce you to a new set of friends. These

friends hear about your accomplishments, and they help

you celebrate it. They take you out for drinks and tell the

waiter to ring cake. They ask probing questions to go. They

ask probing questions to get all the gory, amazing details and

would shout it from the rooftops if you just let them. When you

say it's no big deal. They say Are you kidding? It's the

biggest deal. When you say I know. But I still haven't heard

back about when you when you say I know. But you still haven't

heard back about your own opportunity. They say, this

isn't about me, my day is coming. This is about you, and

how proud I am of you. Maybe these feel like unrealistic

expectations to have for your friends. But I'm pretty sure

that at least some of your existing friends would transform

immediately. Once you help them get free of their own terrible

little box. Friendship is one of those things where people are

constantly cueing off each other. If you are unequivocally

excited about your opportunity, they will be too. And if you are

unequivocally excited about their successes, they'll

probably do the same for you. And if they don't, it's time for

new friends. Here's a long quote slash poem that I love, you may

here's a rather long quote slash poem that I love you may have

heard before, it's from Marianne Williamson. And it gets at the

heart of why we allow ourselves to live in this neighborhood of

terrible tiny boxes.

Here we go. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our

deepest fear is that we are powerful. beyond measure. It is

our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask

ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented,

fabulous. Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of

God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is

nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people

don't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as

children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God

that is within us. It's not just in some of us. It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give

other people permission to do the same. Now, as your friend,

here's what I want you to know. You have my permission to blow

us all away. I want to watch you soar Far, far away. And then I

want you to come back and tell me stories. I don't need you by

my side to make me feel better. I need you to wave at me from

all the way up there to show me how far it's possible to go.

It's hard for us to say these things to each other. Not just

because we wonder when our turn will come. But because we will

miss you. But I know that you'll be back, ready to share your

stories and helped me unlock my own potential. So now, go, be

amazing. And I'll be right here. cheering you on.