ReLaunch Your Love Life with Personalized Matchmaking and Dating Coaching

Hey everyone, and welcome to the ReLaunch podcast. Oh, today is going to be so good. We've got a little history here that we're going to be going back into. And if you've ever thought about how and why and what is the best way to meet that perfect person in your life, well then you want to hang around with us today because I have no other than the world famous Julie Ferman She is a professional matchmaker and dating coach since 1990. She has over 1300 success stories 1300. She is an engaging speaker with decades of experience in media public speaking, she hosts the Cupid's coach podcast and is produced 500 singles events. She met her husband through her own proactive loves search. She is based in LA and Santa Fe, but she's kind of like this, this woman that does it all throughout the entire world. And she offers personal constant consultations around zoom where it doesn't matter where you are, you can hook into Julie's world now. Here's the greatest part. I actually met Julie years and years ago, when I was dating someone. And we're gonna get into that story as well because it was such a fantastic meeting. I have since continued to send people to her.

You're listening to the ReLaunch podcast and I'm your host Hillary DeCesare, best selling author, speaker and transformational coach widely recognized in the worlds of neuro psychology and business launches, which cultivated the one and only three HQ method, helping midlife women. Yep, that's me to rebuild a life of purpose, possibility and inspiring business ventures. Each week, we'll be diving into the stories that brought upon the most inspirational relaunches while sharing the methods and the secrets that they learned along the way, so that you too, can have not just an ordinary relaunch, but an extraordinary relaunch.

Julie, this was so fun to see you on my podcast schedule. I can't even tell you.

Me too, Hillary, I've been a fan forever and ever and ever. You know, I talk about my people and not my people. Like you just know when you meet somebody who's your people. And that's the way I felt when I first met you and I'm just sort of getting shivers. So we get to do this together.

Well, it's crazy how I mean, you know, we we both have, you know, people that are saying, hey, get together, you need to, you know, meet this person. And a lot of times I don't see who's on my schedule until the night before and all of a sudden I saw your name. I'm like, What, are you kidding me? This is the greatest. So let's go back because this was so fun to have my first meeting with you. There was a woman named Patti Stanger, and she is the Millionaire Matchmaker. And somehow I got connected with her. And next thing, you know, she's inviting me to her place in LA. She had a beach front house or something. And she was doing the TV show at that point. Millionaire Matchmaker. She was all a rave, and she's like, just come hang out with me for the day. And I had a boyfriend at the time I was I think I was in a relationship for about a year at that point. I was divorced and had another, more significant and we spend his day and I see like, you know, all these different things that she's doing. And of course, she starts to talk to me about like, what's going on in your love life? I said, Well, I'm kind of dating a guy. It's long distance, we're going back and forth. And she says to me, are you going to marry him? And I said, Not a chance. Like there's no way this is a future wedding. And so she says, Okay, you need to end it. And you need to talk to Julie Firm and I'm like, Oh my gosh, look away and I'm still dating. She's like, it doesn't matter. Just have the initial coverage. She picked up the phone while I was at her place. Julie she called you when I remember so perfectly. There was a speakerphone and she was like you You need to talk to this woman. And at that point, I think that she was not handling women she was only handling never did

never did won't touch a woman with a 10 foot pole.

Oh, okay. Well, we needed to discuss that also, but I got connected you and you were darling. And you were so engaging. I think we ended up meeting maybe even in the next few days after that.

We moved to San Francisco to meet you. Yes, no, that's exactly.

Us. And you were where were you based at that point? La. Okay, you were in LA. And so we had this conversation, and the first thing you said is Hillary, get rid of him? Like, you're not, this is not something you want. And I'm like, okay, okay. Okay. And I did it. And I listened to you. And you just started to be such a, you know, you were, you're guiding me through my love journey. And it was just the greatest. But let's go back. Let's go back to this comment you just made about, she wouldn't touch women with a 10 foot pole. Do you touch women with a 10 foot pole?

Yes. And cautiously. Because, honestly, we girls, we never expected to have to work this hard for love to happen. We thought it was going to be like this.

She's holding up everyone who's just listening. The whole little angels, and she's got the wings. And yeah, we certainly did didn't wait. Prince John's absolutely charming is gonna ride up on that white horse. And just as right.

Just like Sleeping Beauty. We're going to be laying there on a slab and some guy's going to be gorgeous, of course with the white horse and with the palace, and he's going to wake us up from our slumber and some other big wonderful kiss. Oh, of course, yes. Right. He's going to be so steadily. And we kind of grow up with this ridiculous notion. And then Hollywood reinforces it. And so what happens is when we spend a lot of money to hire a matchmaker, we're like so mad that we have to do it and we're like, I can't believe that I'm tempted spaling so badly that I got to write a check for $25,000 or whatever it is. And if it doesn't work out, whoa, we girls can be vindictive. So what happened is, at the end of the year, you know, the matchmakers look at okay, how did the year go and, and who were my problem, people who made me cry, who made me get up at three in the morning, who made me cash out my savings account to write a refund. And it was usually a woman. So little by little I've watched it. I've been doing this for 33 years, one company after another just says I'm only working for man, girls can join free, but I don't want to be on the hook. And so I do I love women. I have more female clients than male clients, but we are three times as much work. Do you want to know why? Yes, it's related to the attraction conundrum. So I asked, I've been asking women this question since 1990. Have you ever met a guy that you are not particularly attracted to visually, but then you got to know him? And before you knew it, he became adorable and even dateable 85% of women will give me a yes response to that question. Now, there are some women who kind of date like guys, because guys will give me like less than 5% of men will give me a yes response to that question. And we girls think that men are superficial and shallow. But guess what, they have equipment that needs to work. And if it doesn't work? Seriously,

if it doesn't work, you can't make it work. Like if they're not attracted to you, then Sayanora sister, right? It's never gonna happen. If a guy doesn't have that immediate charge that chemistry.

It's just certain professional robbery guy is women.

85% of women have found that they can get romantically involved with a guy that they initially didn't first find attractive.

We have a term for it. It's Allison Armstrong's term on my favorite relationship guru. It's called the Adam Sandler effect, we have the ability to follow through, I don't know, if addict knows that we are, you know, using him as this perfect example of a guy who looks like an egghead until you meet him. And then you're like, Oh, my God, I'm gonna go off in the plane with him. So yeah, okay, that is much more challenging, because I gotta go to the guy. And I gotta say, Listen, how's timing Jack is finally if I'm working for Hillary, right? I've got her important criteria. And I know, Hillary, if she's going to be dating, she would want a guy who's probably tall, he's going to be well educated, super smart. He's probably going to be pretty good looking. He's going to be relationship oriented, not just a player who wants to have eight girlfriends at once. And that's all great. So I found Jack and he's available. Oh my gosh, and then I have to sit here on the edge of my chair. As I share Hillary's profile. I'm biting my nails. I'm like, I hope he says yes, I hope he says yes. Because I don't care how wonderful he is. If he's not attracted to who you are. I have nothing. So men don't like to have to wait for the Right, and I don't tell him what's going on behind the scenes. I've got a brand new client right now. I love her. She's in LA and she's magnificent. I've already gotten five no thank yous, because for every one yes, I get from a guy. I'll get six to seven odd jewel, thanks for thinking to me. She looks great. She's just not my cup of tea. Who else do you have?

Oh, God, this is so interesting. So I don't know if you know this, actually, you might you might remember, after we met, I'm a growth junkie I love like learning. I love experiencing new ideas and putting them in place around, you know, my own clients and my own business. And, you know, it was so funny, because I was so fascinated by matchmaking. And it ended up that I went to New York. And not that I was going to get into matchmaking but I ended up getting certified as an international from the matchmaking Institute, an actual matchmaker. And I did it and it was so great, because you know, I always believe in what I do, and how I coach people, that you gotta first love yourself, you got to date you, you gotta you know, be willing to be in the same room with yourself for a very long time and love yourself. And so it was fascinating as I went through hearing even like statistics that you're saying right now, about men and what they want versus women and how women can and falling in love with a guy that they found not attractive at all. And I remember after I got my my matchmaking certificate, I was approached by some women, and especially my really good friends like, hey, you know, Do Me Pick Me Pick Me, right? And I use some of that on I'm thinking of one specific woman where she was like, Yeah, you know, not so much. And there is this guy. And I'm like, well, let's just, let's just play with this go out for a couple dates and see, well, guess what? They ended up getting married. And that was my that was my one and died. But I remember seeing you at this event. And I I've always been fascinating. I are fascinated by how matchmaking actually came into existence. And I remember you shared that at one point with me and I'd love it was around the history and around like the perception of matchmaking. So can you

back in the old days, you know, matchmaking is the second oldest profession. You know, but it used to be when people didn't have access to, you know, match.com or the swiping apps or anything like that. So the little local Yenta to get started in the Jewish community would say, hey, you know, Susie, you need to meet Joe. And I think it's going to be great. And sometimes the families would get involved. It's still being done traditionally in India. But what happens now I'm really not a matchmaker, Hillary, I am a possibilities broker. I am a relationship enabler. That's who I am. So the the best way I can do matchmaking is to have a huge community. I've registered 36,000 men and women since launching my company 20 years ago. And two thirds of those people are women. And then when we bought a home in Santa Fe, New Mexico, when I started becoming like the local matchmaker celebrity in Santa Fe, also, two thirds of the people who find me or I'm able to find and invite them in our women guys are much harder to find. And it's kind of like women think that guys might be commitment phobes or something, but really, a guy has to be available timing has to be right. But then he has to be inspired. What inspires a guy to get off of his computer out of his cave and actually go on a real live date guest to be inspired by your particular woman very often. Okay, so

you just said relationship and where that is so good. And that you're not even referring to yourself anymore. As a matchmaker.

I have to call myself a matchmaker. So Google can find me because that's what people are looking for. Just find me the match Julie, find me the match. But really, it's so much bigger than that. It I have to I really liked them to go through my three months. It's actually 60 Day boot camp first, which is everything that I need as the matchmaker to make sure this person is prepared and they won't blow their opportunities the same way. They've been blowing it out there in the world for 20 years. Right.

So you mentioned this whole thing about men and men that are out there are men app or the really great guys app to actually hire a matchmaker. I mean, well, that kind of like an ego thing where

one of the honest to goodness truth. I would say one And five of the men who comes to me thinking that they should hire a matchmaker. I would even take on as a client because they don't get it. The guy might be 67. But he is attracted to 40 year olds, and he thinks I can just if he just pays me I can make that happen. I'm not a sugar daddy matchmaker. I'm not, I don't do it. I will say to the guy, if you need to meet somebody consistently, that's more than 10 or 15 years younger than you. I'm not your matchmaker call Patti Stanger. She does that all day long, but I won't, I won't do it. See, it's really a function of what's their level of desirability, right? What did they bring into the table? And then what's their level of selectivity? So the people I will not take on his matchmaking clients is maybe there are four in terms of overall romantic market value, but they want the eight. I don't care if you have the Ferrari Dude, she's not going to go for you.

So I want to ask you, what are men when they come to you? And it's the good ones, right? What are they really looking for in a woman?

You know what it is, they're looking for? What they call every now and then they'll use these words, they want a soft place to land at the end of the day. And all the women want the guys who are successful, big, strong, powerful, and they all tell me the same thing. They're just intimidated by my success. Can I just put that whole thing to bed, right? I've never in 33 years heard a man say that he's intimidated by a woman success. You know what it is? They're put off, by the way we're being about it. When we say Oh, well, I always travel first class, and I have to have this and I like that, and I gotta have that's just gross to a guy. I don't care if he has three homes, and always travels first class. One of my former clients said it this way was so amazing. He lived in San Francisco, I think I met him on the same trip that I met you all those years ago, he became a client wonderful guy, a lot of women would kind of overlook him because he doesn't want to take a woman to a fancy restaurant and the first night he might ride his bike and go to a coffee shop or have a winery or something like that. He said the reason he finds so many women entitled and just disgusting when they're entitled, he says, so beautiful. He said, When a woman expects something from me, it robs me of the joy of providing it.

Oh, everyone listen to that. That is that's gold right there. I have to tell you, when you were saying that I remember a date I went on, where I came in hot. I had been, I had not taught as in looking hot. I had been in a board meeting almost like the entire day. I remember like, very quickly at the last second, I put on a little lip gloss and I come charging in. And I sit down and I'm meeting this guy for the first time. And I'm like, you know, well, I do this. And he's like, you know, how was your day? I'm like, Oh, well, it was this and that. And that was like, you know, one and done. Like, we were like, this isn't gonna work out. And then when I met my husband, it was when I was at my most vulnerable. And I came in, and I remember the date. And it was like, You know what, yeah, things. I didn't want to talk about business. I didn't want to talk about anything, because I just wanted to be present. And guess what I said my husband, you know, it ended up it ended up being that and so how do you with business women with women that are there all that they're doing? Well, they're you know, they just have not had that, you know, that amazing connection? What do you coach them on? How do you coach them to say, hey, tone it down a bit later.

It's complicated, and it's not that we need to dumb ourselves down. But a man needs receptivity, the more masculine he is, the more feminine he needs his partner to be. I see sometimes relationships where they're both kind of masculine and feminine. My husband and I are like that. We're feminine and masculine in different ways. He jokes around he says I'm just like a guy except you can have sex with her. It's hilarious. Because I'm kind of like a tomboy. I'm kind of like hanging out with the boys all the time. But I really have to work with women to help them learn and I have to I'm learning it myself every day. How to switch back and forth between get it done masculine, you know, results oriented energy and soft flowing, receptive energy using our ears more than our mouths, letting him finish his sentences. Hello, how about that?

That's a good one. What I do i my i actually my office is in the pool house. And so I have a bow 40 steps before I go into the main house where all I'll see and I literally had like, it's like You know, men going into their cave, I have this. It's not the walk of shame. It's this walk of turning myself from being an AI now I'm doing something that I'm absolutely so passionate about, you know, so my calls and my days are so beautiful. But I still have to get out of that, like, Oh, you're doing this and I got this next one, I got this next show and the podcasts and I have to just give myself a, it's a slow walk, I do a slow walk. And I walk in and at that point, I can say, you know, II, your day loved and you know, all that. And there is that moment, but let me ask you, you mentioned earlier, a $25,000 price tag, what are matchmakers these days going for? And anything they can get on? I mean, what do you think, where are they when they

can get it's just disgusting. Now I come from the consumers perspective, because I was the consumer. You remember how I met Gil? I joined his dating service. He did the interview, took my 14 150 bucks. Then I realized, oh my gosh, he doesn't have a really great database. Oh, that's going to be a slow trickle of new people. This was video dating, right? And then I knocked on his door. He probably thought I was trying to get my money back. I said, Hey, dude, what's the story with you? I looked in the G book under Gil and I didn't see you. And he says, Well, I'm not supposed to date my members. I thought darn another good guy I can't date. So I said, What would you do if one year members asked you out? And he said, If she was cute, I'd probably go. I said, Come on. Let's go have a beer. And five weeks later, we got engaged. Five months later, we got married. Two months later, we got pregnant, which I didn't think was ever going to happen because I had issues. So I married into the industry worked for him for a long cleanup story is so

great. It's I love that story. Because you bring up something right there. You asked him out. And that was how many years ago 33 and acceptable at that time. It wasn't the rules, right? We put these rules on ourselves. And I want everyone to hear that was 30 plus years ago for her. Yeah,

and fear that blow the rolls up. The Hill. affirmance mother literally tripped Mr. Ferman at the Catskills. This was in the 1940s. He falls flat on his face. She helps him up. She says I knew I could get you to fall for me. And she has a little card. She sticks it in his pocket. And on that card was her name, her phone number and a short message that said owl when you get back to the Bronx, darling, you call me I'll be waiting for that call. She took him around by the nose for 56 years. Oh, girls are in charge of so much. It's not up to them. You know, it's as simple as saying, you know, if you asked me out for coffee, I'd probably say yes. Or you roll your window down as one of my clients did a golf tournament. She says So aren't you can ask me out. Please, ladies, it's up to us, especially since me too happened. It needed to happen. But it's had some bad consequences. Really good men are not approaching women. And CO that didn't help either. So we got to turn the cab light on.

Let's talk about that. They're not approaching really good. Women are really good men are not approaching women. Because what are they most concerned about? Let's just call it out.

They have too much respect for us. They don't want us to feel preyed upon. They don't want to be the Hey baby, how you doing? They don't know how to do that. I've got a beautiful wonderful new client in LA I just love him and he is 66 years old. recently separated going through divorce hasn't dated since a really long time ago. And what a joy it is to just line up wonderful dates for him with quality women who are interested in meeting him a lot of the matchmakers are doing blind date matchmaking. I'll tell you one person that doesn't like a blind date is a man you know if if you're Don't be in frumpy or if the guy's not particularly attractive, yeah, blind date match make use of what you need, because your photos are not going to help you on match.com But if you actually are quite appealing, deservedly selective, don't do blind date matchmaking what a what a waste of money and a lot of these matchmakers are charging a whole lot of money. There's there's an agency up in San Francisco I think you know which one it is who's charging $300,000 I want to know what you get with that. Do you get a Porsche?

Getting me now in cabinet if they're at my man, are they just taking man?

Find out for me?

We'll do some research here because that is that is

just terrible. outrageous and no maker can promise relationship we can't even promise second dates too much can go wrong. A lot of these matchmakers are charging these fees and they're not even setting up the first date. I orchestrate everything and I've got a $10,000 price point. I orchestrate the first date. I don't give out last names. I don't want anybody googling but I set that reservation and I confirm with both people. Are you excited about your date, we have a date going on over lunch today in Los Angeles, set it all up made the reservation or you both set. Okay, let me know how it goes. That's what a real matchmaker does, along with the feedback and coaching, like, Okay, I think I know why you're not getting a second date. Think I figured it out, you got to know I make them beg for it, they have to really want to know, because if I just write it in an email, oh, you know, your breath is bad, or Oh, you're on your phone too much. Or you're talking about politics too much, or whatever it is. They can't hear it, they have to be receptive to hearing it. Now, it goes back

to what you said that you know, that we do put all of these rules onto ourselves, and the rules, who came up with the rules, right?

Who would look, anybody who has a book needs to take it out to their barbeque pit and torch it? It is the worst advice I've ever seen in a book about how to date.

And which book are you referring to

the rules. It's called the rules. And it's it's just, and I didn't get new rules from Julie Ferman Cupid's coach, I will set you straight

out there. I am a big, I think that there are certain rules that you know, we should follow but around love, I have to say it's got to be your intuition has to be your guiding light. I mean, you know, I remember when I first met II, I did the cardinal sin. Apparently, after I met him, I called him and said, Hey, I had such a great time. But I had a few glasses of wine because I met him very late at night. It was kind of this crazy store. I won't go into it now. And I called him the next day because I was like, wait, I think I really liked this guy. We really had a great connection. And I said, Hi, I'm Hillary, I have three kids, can we go through some of the things we talked about? He thought it was the greatest thing. Rule Breakers are what we're looking for these days. So you've you've explained this whole? What how you got into this business, you you know, married in and it became your life's passion. And for those women that are out there that are now contemplating online dating, they're frustrated, I can't even tell you how many people come to me now. And I'm you know relaunching them, right, the big relaunch? I'm ready, I want to do something. What do you suggest to those women that are now like, I want to do something, but online dating still feels sleazy? Yeah, have them

register privately with me, it's free. It's private, JulieFerman.com. And I will help them sort it out. What I'm really passionate about is helping people do dating well, so that the dash that is between relationships is expansive, it's rewarding the first 30 days of my bootcamp, I don't want anybody dating at all, because we're gonna fall back in love with ourselves, I will guide them through the

selection of this little detox in that first 30 days late

because people get addicted to this whole business, right? So it's really important to take that time off, but I'm going to help them create their profile. And most importantly, what are your top three critical criteria, these are the three things you'd rather be alone for the rest of your life, then partner with somebody who didn't have these three things. Usually, for a woman, its integrity and character. They'd rather be alone forever then partner with a guy whose word they cannot trust. So that's usually their kindness is usually there. And people say, Oh, that's just a given. I'm just drive on the freeways of Los Angeles, and you'll see a lot of unkindness out there in the world. Right? So um, and then the third is usually something around shared values, passions, things that we can do together. But it's not height. It's not hair. It's not how much does he make? I don't care how much people make. I want to know what their relationship with money is. Do they earn more than they spend? I like The Millionaire Next Door better than the guy who's driving the Ferraris. I'll tell you that for sure.

You know, it's interesting, because I do I'm sure women out there right now are thinking well, what do you do with men and I have a brother, brother G. We call him my brother Greg. And he's recently divorced. He's going back out there. All right. G comes and gets involved with your program. What do you do? What do you do with the guy?

Well, I love I love it when I get a new stallion in the stable.

He's definitely a stallion. He's just he lived. He was that guy. He's up in Northern California. And he was that guy. You know, married has two kids, beautiful ex wife. They have this great relationship. And he's frustrated with online dating. Yeah, send him to me and I will say, but what do you do what I need to know First thing I do want to know what, you know if we get hooked into one of the guys that you're working with. Yeah,

here's so right after I talk with you, I'm going to be on the phone with a guy named Mark. It's a screening call, it's a free 30 minute call, while he's you and I are talking, I'm going to be putting together his profile, I've written 35,000 profiles, I'm really good at it, I can do it really fast. He doesn't even know I'm just quietly typing away while he's talking. And then I'm going to look and see what women in my world deserve to meet him, I'm not instantly going to try to sell them a $25,000 program. First thing I'm looking at is what women in my world deserve to meet them. And I will look for an introduction for him with a woman. It's a current client or a former client, or somebody who's done that little $295 Zoom call, right? They deserve a shot at this guy, Mark. But I don't have anything until I go to Mark and I say, I've got this girl Hillary, what do you think is he might go if not so much who else you got, but I only share with my women. Good news. So first, I gotta find the guy. He might do that $300 consultation, he might do my $3,000 bootcamp, but I kind of want him to do that stuff. First, before he becomes the matchmaking client. Most of the matchmakers are signing on that high dollar client and introducing him to the hottest babes they have. And the guy might get married, but he's gonna get divorced two years later, because it's gotta be a lot more than just looks, and the matchmakers are out there, and they're scouting for hot looking babes. But Hello, how about we get the whole person and the profile and find out what really matters to her. I don't think personal matchmaking can be done well on a huge scale. I've tried it. Because you'll be hiring salespeople who are going to close a deal. You're going to hire matchmakers who are on quota how many matches can they send out so that they can get paid because they've got rent do I don't think it can be done well on a big scale.

Oh, you know what I'm gifting brother G A session with you done and I'm super excited because I've mentioned relaunch your profession your business scaling it that's what we do with fired up. But we also have relaunch love, which is the personal side which is all about loving yourself all about loving, you know others all about bringing in a relationship you are going to be now part of relaunch love.

I shouldn't be. I thought about it. When I saw it. I'm like, Hey, I should be speaking as part of

oh, you should be there should be a tight integration. So excited to talk to you more about that. But we have to wrap so at this point. How can people find you and what you know what would be that first step?

Yeah. First thing to do is go to Julie furman.com. And register. It's free. It's private. I'm the one who sees the new registrations. I'm the one who reaches out and welcomes you schedules that call. And then also the podcast, the Cupids coach podcast, I've done over 120 episodes and it's the best thing I've ever done and it's totally free.

Ah, Julie, it has been so much fun. My energy right now is off the charts. I

love to drive in Boulder right now to see you. That's what I'm gonna.

I just think you're the best and everyone listening out there. You know, you've heard how you can start to get engaged. You might have a friend who needs Julie right now if it's not you and again, brother G. I'm going to be helping you start with Brother G. I can't wait to talk to him. Well, your darling, thank you again for being here and everyone else. You know what right now, you've got massive relaunches, you've got smaller relaunches micro, and the and the mega and I want you to really think about it's not one or the other. It's not your business that you're trying to scale. It's your business and your life growth comes in all shapes, but you have to be willing to be open for growth in all areas. And right now we'll talk about personal life. Julie, thanks again so much for being you,

Hilary. I love you to pieces.