ReLaunch and Recovery: Escaping the Shadow of Addiction

Welcome to the ReLaunch podcast and on today's show, oh, buckle up, because this is the type of show that I just get goosebumps from my head to my toes. Which means you know, it's going to be good. You know it. And I have to say when I first talked to this incredible woman and she was telling me her relaunch story and all about her I was just like, my chin hit the floor. I'm like, you are absolutely I felt like you know, it was American Idol in your new got the golden ticket go. No, super, super excited to introduce you to Lynn Walker. She's worked for several years with at risk high school students whose parents were drug addicts and alcoholics and she is the author of Midnight Calling: A Memoir of a Drug Smuggler's Daughter, the sequel, a perfectly good fantasy, a memoir and breaking Oh, and Breaking Midnight, which is a true story. And I have to tell you, if you are out on your run a walk a you know, sitting there just driving, you are in for such a treat. Lynn, I am so excited to have you on the show. And to literally have people get to know you and have them go and read your book. So thank you for being here today.

Thank you. Hillary is so thrilling to be here. It's good to connect with you over the last month. And I'm so excited to talk to you today.

Oh, are you kidding? This is you know, people hear stories, like you're about to tell us and they're usually in movies, they have a big named person wanting to play the role. And here, this is your life. But I want to go back and start with, I always like to go there with your biggest relaunch that has impacted you the most and has brought you to where we are today. And so let's start there.

Okay, that wouldn't be my Mount Everest.

Let's start on Mount Everest. Everest

would definitely be rebuilding my life after my recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. I mean, it's just such a monumental thing to do. And so many people battle with addiction of different kinds. The drug and alcohol addiction was definitely my Mount Everest.

Well, and here's the thing you actually built your life from, you know, you had the attic, the incarcerated youth. I mean, you had all these different things, right. And can you can you share with us? How did this all come to be like, what was the impetus that made you first start how young were you like, let us know a little bit more because then it tees up what you've been doing and Cheryl, really understand everyone exactly what I'm referring to. Okay. So

I always like to start with my very idyllic childhood because I have this great childhood and this blue collar suburb of Miami. And I you know how to stay at home mom, because that's what many moms did in the 70s. Although she did have a nursing degree. My dad was a highly successful undercover narcotics agent for what was then called the Bureau of Narcotics and dangerous drugs. It's now only yet and you know, we just tripped around that Southern Miami suburb and we didn't cross you know, Dixie Boulevard or Caribbean Boulevard. And we were buried around and then when I was eight, my dad snuck out of our house literally in the dark of night and left a note in the mailbox for my mom, I can see it today yellow legal paper paper in the mailbox, and then just really got my world to wobble and my dad and I were very close, very connected as I am and wasn't am with my mom. But his walking out on us just really stepped my world upside down and I didn't really come to find out whatever happened to him until I was in high school and he got arrested and went to prison for smuggling 12,000 pounds of marijuana. And I live in states where marijuana is legal but 12,000 pounds it is me hepper legal. It's a plane full it was a copier for 40 airplane and two cargo trucks. And the thing is, is by then I was already I had already solid in my brother's footsteps, not saying that divorce is the cause of addiction. But he struggled mightily with that divorced my mom eventually divorced and he was using drugs and alcohol and I sort of followed in those footsteps with my older brother. By the time I found out my dad was going to prison I already had a Pretty bad drug and alcohol habit. You know, I think that I just, I probably have the propensity for addiction. I think it's hereditary. Probably. I can't find it naturally. I mean, my father is clearly an addict. And I think too, I was just trying to sign this thing.

It's interesting is that your dad was actually on the other side as a cop, right? Yeah. And so, oh, boy, was your mom shocked? Did she have any indication that this was happening? I mean, leaving a note and just leaving as appearing. We had

no idea. I mean, he was a very religious man. His dad was a minister. We grew up in this very religious family like he he taught my Sunday school class for years. He was in the choir at church. He was a you know, ex marine and a very dedicated police officer. She had no idea. She knew something was wrong, though, because he definitely changed after that. He remarried right away, started another family. But he was never the same. There were all these big wads of cash. And he was always trying to buy me jewelry and something was not right. And I remember feeling like something really bad is going to happen. As a young girl, I started to have that feeling.

Yeah, that premonition that something? Something was going down,

especially when you're so connected by because I was connected to him that I think I just had that sense that something really bad was going to happen. And of course I did. And so once we knew, I mean, in retrospect, my mom said, Oh, this makes perfect sense, right? Yeah. And I, as a teen who is already in serious trouble with drugs and alcohol, you know, by this time, I'm getting arrested for breaking and entering, I was blown away. You know, I was, by the time I was 15, I was a ward of the juvenile court, you know, as a director, reaction to my drug and alcohol abuse. So I already had the struggle. So you think many kids I see what their dad's doing and think, Oh, well, maybe I should turn my life around here because dad's a prison. But I felt connected to him. I felt like for the first time in years, I turned out just like my dad, it was like this sense of a bond I had with him, which was a horrible setup for when he did get out of prison. And he got out literally the month of my high school graduation. And he came up from my high school graduation, we were in Ohio by then he was down in the federal canon, Florida. And I knew right away, he did not get reformed in prison, I could tell right away, right. And he was wired. And this was at MIT ad. So by now it's cocaine cowboy days in Florida. So he had this huge connection in the federal prison in Florida, this Colombian drug war who is running his family's operation from the tent, as a low minimum security prison, his brothers of flying from Colombia, they need who's helping them run this operation. And so he had this connection to this man back in prison, and this guy set him up. And so on parole, my dad started smuggling again, this time, all cocaine. And so, but then a few months of him reconnecting with me and my brother, we were, you know, in, in a very unhealthy situation where dad was giving cocaine to my brother who is dealing for him. And I was using a lot of cocaine with my father. Not that that's ever okay. Like, that's a pretty bad thing to do. But I just have to say, we were not innocent children. We were fully into drug and alcohol these by this time, but we willingly accepted that. I mean, it was. I mean, it was UNCAC. Colombian, okay. I mean, it was flying in straight from the production jungles and probably, you know, a lot of it was produced in Peru and other countries. Did you actually work for your dad? You know, I never did. I never I never did any dealing like that. My brother did. And I just stayed really close to my brother and my dad and got free cooking, which I thought was gonna be a wonderful thing. But when you're a drug addict, it's a horrible thing. You know, to have this

unlimited access. So we're gonna go into more detail around your dad around the book around the stories that you've written. But how did you? How did you pull yourself out of that, man, I'm looking at you right now. This incredible, beautiful, beautiful soul inside and out. And, you know, that's, that's heavy duty. That is a big leap to go from where you were to where you are now. Yeah. Well,

the thing is, is that it really sigh as I said, I was already abusing alcohol and drugs and all that comes with that. I mean, addiction takes people to some pretty dark places, particularly women, I think. But the thing with that is I thought it was gonna keep me out of trouble, right? Because it was Dad stuff and my brother stuff but really what it did is it just brought me to my knees because I had this woman and source of drugs that I didn't have to pay for or do other things for that some women do, which so I lost pretty much everything. I mean, I'm I got booted out, I was trying to go to college that didn't last long. I got I, you know, I was on academic probation, they booted me out. I pretty much couldn't, you know, I'd had no friendships with when I didn't know how to have friendships with women, and I was trying to sneak up. Because they always got me in trouble. You know, I was pretty isolated, and I just really feeling it. I lost everything everyone cared about. I mean, my mom knew that I had been struggling. She knew she'd been trying to intervene for years. But I was living on my own. And I just had a horrible night where I was sitting on right, which means watching my half kilo of cocaine, which is about a pound it's a lot for my brother because he was so paranoid. He thought that police were watching his house. And I thought, Oh, sure. I'll sit on. So he brings over this, you know, kilo, half kilo. He didn't say I couldn't use it right. So I then after three days have been using this stuff nonstop haven't slept, I am maintaining a job get this Hillary at a psychiatric hospital and the mail clerk and that's what you were operator, this psychiatric hospital, you know, no way I'm out of sick leave, you know, and I just finance in such bad shape after three days of using of hiding, you know, in the house. And it was kind of a this is really a turning point. For me. It was like about four 5am When the robins are chirping, you know, and it's a beautiful time in the morning if you're in good, healthy condition. But when you back for days, it's a horrific feeling. And I was supposed to go to work and I was afraid I was gonna lose that job. And I just picked out my window. And there was a cop car sitting behind that was the apartment backed up to this gas station. And I freaked because I thought well, maybe they are watching my brother. And you know, we all have the same last name. My dad, my brother and I and my dad's on parole, right. So I, I go and hide that stuff in the attic, and I go take a shower and try to kind of straighten up a little cop car is still out there and I am just pacing. And I think I'm going to call my dad, he'll he'll tell me what to do. Right? It's my dad. He loves me. And I tell them in kind of vague terms. My phone's tapped what's going on? And he says, well, darlin, I don't know nothing about this. And it was just like that snap the the windows open to him. I realize I am in a seriously dangerous situation. I have a you know, half kilo of cocaine in my attic, a cop car out for lunch. My dad's on parole, he's not going to, he's not going to take a fall for me. He'd go back to prison under the RICO act for probably 20 years. He's not going back to prison. And my brother's not gonna waltz into the police station and say, Oh, that's my mind. You know, it just boom, it just like that. It just I got scared straight there. And I realized what was going on. And I just called the sole drug counselor and said, I'm in a bad place. And for the first time in years, I got honest to somebody and he said all you're in trouble there. You flush that stuff. I'll say like, can't flush it. And he said, well, then you must not be ready to get clean. And I said no, no, you don't never said it's too much. I can't watch it. We'll call your brother and I can get it or you're going to flush it and he'll be over. Of course, he showed up with his scales within 15 minutes, you know, sorting by you know, he took his stuff back and I you know, i i That was the turning point for me. Like i i

What happened? What at first off, did the cop ever ring your door?

You know, never because by the time my brother came, so this is probably an hour later, the coppers gone. So the coffee. Maybe they were just back there having morning coffee? I don't know, I'll never they never knocked on my door. And my brother never got arrested either. So yeah, but yeah,

so you hit rock bottom, when you realize that you're alone in this thing. Trying to figure out you know how you're gonna, you're gonna handle the big amount of code that you have. You're trying to figure out how to how to make the situation go away. Your brother comes over and how do you how do you start down the path you started to go to therapy? You started to talk to this guy, or woman I don't know. And what happened?

Yeah, the first thing he said is meet me out 12 Step meeting, I thought, and now because I'd been to the as one as a ward of the Corps, right, but the court made me go and I, I didn't understand anything about that. I thought that was religion. I didn't want that. But that's what he said to do. And it was a male therapist, and I said, really is out my own way. He said, Well, you must not be right. Okay. Okay. Okay. So I did you know, so for once I get honest with somebody, and for once I do what I say right, and I do show up at that meeting, and he immediately introduces me to some women, like off first twelves, that meeting and now women are, so I

really getting hit with everything. You did say something really interesting. In your belief system, you think women have it harder and addiction?

Well, I mean, I don't I mean, that's very generalized. I mean, I'm sure there are many men that are victimized, too, but women are just, I feel like they're just vulnerable. And I think that the the things that come with abusing drugs and alcohol, you know, a lot of our morals sort of slip away. And we behave in ways that we may not want to, or maybe wouldn't normally, and then off the rolls around, then you know, I mean, not to be too crass, but the saying is you get drunk and your clothes fall off, you know, and it's just makes you very vulnerable. Yeah, and you're not in your right mind. Right. And sometimes you're not even conscious, you're blacked out or unconscious. So it's, it's just, it's not. How

long did it take you to get healthy? Did you ever have a relapse?

Yeah, I did. I didn't, it didn't stick right away. Even then I sort of came in and out and I started therapy. I, you know, I really am a big believer in therapy, by the way, I think anybody can benefit benefit from therapy, if it's a good therapist, I started that and I would come in and out of those 12 step meetings, I did stay away from my dad and my brother. That's the one thing I did do. But I finally did, you know, several months later, finally start to I don't know what I don't know, finally, take advice from other people and maybe having a shred of self esteem to be able to stop to put down the alcohol and drug scan. I did get I think I had about five, a little over five years. And I did. I mean, I really life got really good. You know, if you're a drug addict, alcoholic, a noose up, you put that stuff down and work some kind of, you know, I think whatever, whatever works for you is some kind of spiritual program or something like that gets good. And like, really good.

So then what inspired you to actually write the book? Yeah, well, you

know, so I did keep quite a bit of distance from my dad, even once I was clean and sober. He, you know, she, but he never called me, I think, you know, probably because partly, he was still smuggling. And then even when he wasn't, he just, I think he had a lot of guilt. But I called him I stayed in touch with them on, you know, his birthday and holidays. And I just was always fascinated, though, with his life. I mean, he he was like, bigger than like, charismatic. Give me the guy in the room with everyone around and men and women, lots of women who was a good luck and strap a match, just laughing out. Um, he was telling jokes. He was like, the life of the party. I mean, you'd never know who he was. But he was very entertaining. But I just really wanted to know, like, What on earth happened? How would he go from this decoding, law loving father, you know, to, and very dedicated police officer putting his life on the line, you know, to stop drug smuggling, to being imprisoned for drug smuggling, just walking away from and staying away without a glance back. And he just one day out of the blue called me. And something inside me, you know, talking about another turning point, something inside me said, This is your chance, if you ever gonna have a chance to, you know, just ask him when I said I, you know, I I mean, you know, he said, How how's life or whether a blog about the usuals very uncomfortable, because we don't have any relationship really. And I just took a breath and said, Hey, Dad, you know, I'd love to know what happened to you, you know what happened to us how that all happened? And then he got really quiet. Said, what, why? You know, you think that would be educational and interesting. And I probably laughed and said, Are you kidding? You have a life that not a lot of people have left it would be very interesting, but mostly I just want to know who you are and what happened. And he he sounded very nervous, which I never heard my dad sound and he said, Well, what are you going to do come out here and interview me? And I went, Yes, yeah, I saw come interview. I didn't know what I had no plan. I tripped out there with my tape recorder. Other started interviewing?

So when you talk to him because you said A Memoir of a drug smugglers daughter was, was what was he willing to actually discuss? And were there things that he said, Ah, can't can can't go that far can't and by the way, is he alive? Has he passed your brother? What's going on with them? Yeah.

So my father is no longer living. He died in 2014. So in April, so almost 10 years ago, and, and I try to just talk about people who are living that that are in the memoir, because memoirs are very personal, and I try to protect people's privacy. But my brother is still alive. I can say that. And we were in touch. So we're getting engaged. So he, my father told me everything. And I thought it was probably half lies, because, you know, here's the thing, how do you know when an addict is lying, their lips are moving? Why? And you know, and I mean, well, a lot of his memories were shared, because he remembered stuff that I also removed from, you know, from growing up, you know, living in the same house. But all the smuggling and the RAS he made and his Eros, I thought, wow, I just don't know. I don't know. It was fascinating, though. And I recorded it all. I'm so glad I did that. And when I got back home, I thought, I'm going to see if I can get his court records. And I got them. And they were verbatim what he told me. I mean, almost exactly what he told me. And then I realized that what he said was true, as he said, Hey, hi darlin, humans call me darling. This is my, this is your legacy, that I'm sorry, there's not more good than bad. But this is your legacy. So I'm going to lay it all out on the lining on so he told me everything. And when I, you know, corroborated all that with this record, new I found newspaper articles about arrest, he had made all kinds of stuff. And I went back, I just then I was, like, compelled to write the story. And I started writing. And what came out first was sort of my story. And then I wrote his story. Actually, I kind of wrote them both together. And they went back the next summer, read it to him. He never wanted to read it. He always wanted me to read it to him, which I thought was interesting. And he, he said, Why sure, like, those parts about my parts that were my perspective, were really painful for him, you know, to hear what happened his family when he walked out on us, he I think that was very painful to hear. He wasn't there. He said, he didn't see what happened.

And that was when you decide that was the a perfectly good,

no, that was midnight calling. So my the first book I published was midnight calling, which was my perspective. And I don't know why I published it that way. I don't know why. And it doesn't really matter. But midnight calling is really my, my perspective of growing up with this charismatic copy of a dad, and what happened to us later, and then my early recovery journey. And then breaking midnight, a true story is his story. It's it's not it's not, you know, a transcript, I certainly made a transcript of or audio recordings that I made, I made it. I wrote, I wrote a story, that true story about his life. And I spent many years after that, going over that with him. We worked on it together. He really supported being published and he read a draft of it. So he did read a draft but before he died, and I wanted it to be published, you really support you the only asset I'm not using his name was the only thing he asked so. So that alone, yeah, let me let me

let me ask you this. You you spend this time with your dad. What I found when I wrote my book, it was very cathartic. It allowed me to release a lot of the pain of my mom's death. So you know, it happened within a year she got stage four colon cancer, and it was just so unexpected, and I thought she'd live in to her hundreds like my grandmother and my great grandmother. What, by spending this time with your dad, what feelings did you have afterwards? Was you know what, how did you feel about your dad? Yeah,

you know, it was the best gift he could have given me. And I think it's it's not just his story, it's it was the willingness to be honest and and that allowed us to heal. Like I said, we I went down there every year after that sometimes twice a year and we talked on the phone a lot. And we didn't just talk about the story or filling in gaps that I needed in the story. It was about anything. And it gave him a chance to say in his words, you know that he didn't feel good. And he said, I didn't feel good about what I did to you and your mom and your brother, you know, I'm here now, you know, and, and I got to tell him that I forgave him, you know, and I did. And I was so grateful for that. And I don't know if we would have ever gotten to that if I hadn't said, Tell him your story. And he hadn't been willing to do it. And so we just, it was like, We cleared all that air between us the space and it just was, you know, wasn't full of all that resentment and pain and abandonment, so much abandoned. So when he died, I was raised able to just feel the grief with sadness. I remember your podcasts about your father dying right before your book launch. You know, I saw that he couldn't get that book published before he passed away. Right? I had a I had this whole other career. It was very consuming to kids kids came along and I was parenting and, you know, it's it was hard. So I just couldn't get it written before he died. But he read the bulk of it. Yeah,

now I hear you and I Why dad got to hear half of it. And I to read half of the book, half of relaunch spark your heart. To him. It just took a lot longer. I started reading fall asleep, not because he was bored, but because he was starting to, you know, get get sick. So now I'm

touching to me that you did that to your dad, too, which I

did. And it was funny. I'm like, Dad, yeah, can just another couple pages. And he's like, Oh, that's really good. Hillary, that's really good. I'm like, anyway, but I do want to ask you, the book has really resonated with people out there. And it's number one best seller, all these, you know, incredible accolades for you. Why do you feel people are just really, they really want to hear these stories, your stories, what do you think is resonating? Well, I

think that people are just fascinated with peeking into other people's lives. I mean, memoirs are very popular, I think we so much, compare our insides and how we feel how other people look, and everybody always looks more together. Right? I think part of that is just that. It's, uh, you know, up close and personal. They're all very close and personal and analyzed about that. But that's what makes it even worse, I think powerful is that you don't hold back too much. But the other part is, I really think that maybe almost unintentionally, these books instead of being about my brokenness, and I think that we're all broken in some way. I mean, everybody's broken in some way. And I think that this is a book of being broken. And repairing a life, my life, my dad repairing his life, and trying to, you know, move on and start over. And I think that that's a powerful message for give. So I think we can we all have that journey in some way. More or less, I think, I

agree with you. And what would you say, is the story that most surprised you, when your dad told this to you that you put in the book,

I was really surprised that he was a dirty cop. I always thought the smuggling it as I could piece it together because he was no longer on the force when he got arrested. But I just, I just always thought he was such a patriot, you know, and I was done that he actually did his first smuggling deal while I was still a cop. That was just really a blow, right? Yeah. And I guess, you know, this was that would have been in the mid 70s. By the mid 80s. I guess 89% of the Miami Dade police force was corrupt. I mean, they were all on the payroll of that smuggle? Isn't that

isn't that when Miami Vice started?

I think so. Right? And they were all dirty because they all they got paid. $100,000 just look the other way. But this was before that, you know, so I was just really surprised that she even his first deal, you know, morning, and I literally found a newspaper article about that, too. Apple was kind of forced to resign before or they were going to have to investigate because they had a witness that was going to turn evidence against them. But he

was able to, he was able to resign first. Yeah, I

tried to get the internal investigation records, but that's all hands off. I could never get my hands on that. So there was some kind of internal investigation but no charges were ever brought and he left before so

go through your journey. What would you say is the most important message that you are leading readers and listeners with your book?

I think that I guess my message is always have for You know, no matter what you're struggling with, and we all struggle with something, whatever, it could be anything you know, I just think my message is don't get right no matter what you're struggling with. Never give up because think can turn on a dime, life can turn on a dime, things can change in a moment, you never know when somebody comes into your life or some event happens that could maybe help you deal with, you know, whatever it is you're struggling with, don't ever give up and never, ever, no matter what, never give up on teenagers, because they, I mean, they often do come around, right? Actors often

come around, sure, Darrell,

but in when especially when they're hurting, you know, often what they all they need, you know, even if it's the last thing you want to do, or when you don't, don't believe in them is they just isn't gonna believe in them. You know, you can when you don't think you're gonna make it or especially when you don't think they're gonna make you know, because I think if you've seen me at 15 Anybody would have thought how sad you know how sad but you know, life can turn on a dime.

So when you also said and I love I love talking to authors about kind of their advice that they were doing when they were writing the book. Tell us tell us what you turn to when you are writing your book.

Yeah, what do you mean turn to Well,

you were saying how much you love to chocolate? Yeah. Doing chips like I would go and I'd have these of these like chips and my husband always knew oh god she's deep into it depending on the chips I've gone through. I

talked about potato chips in my third book a perfectly good fantasy because I have an addiction. I truly do but I love that

you just admitted that good you also said you you are you really love you can't really sugar so yeah, I found a chocolate because I was like I couldn't do this tweets because the sweets made me kind of wiry and then my mind I couldn't focus so yeah, what's what's the Brianna chuckling Gosh,

remember this? I guess I should have said this never give up and remember chocolate is like a little hug and who could not use a hug right so I don't eat sugar but I really liked this brand called stirs the soul I mean, what name is that? What a name or stir stir the soul and date

but which I love? Yeah, I love the chocolate

with the little cayenne in it. And then the chocolate with the whatever cacao nibs and they're just three more like each bar has one date in it. Oh

shit. I think they're not in the hot summer because it'll melt but ship. Stir the soul love stuff.

I disagree this soul you'll handle dark chocolate too dark. Yeah. Which is actually I'm going to say I'm going to call it out. I'm sure someone's going to tell me it's not true. I have heard that dark chocolate is actually good for you. I think it is. I know it's good for me. Not loaded

with sugar. I mean, I don't know sugar is probably doesn't isn't an issue for some people. But it is for me so well.

Thank you Lynn for being here. This has been as good as I knew it would be your story, your presence, everything about you. I'm just I'm such a big admirer. So thank you. Thank you. And thank you. I

just love that how you're you know, elevating voices like this, like love this podcast. So thank you. So well

appreciate you being here. And everyone again, relaunch is about ReLaunch you ReLaunch your life, ReLaunch the magic of what you have. And so live out love now. ReLaunch now and think about where you are right now. And how so many relaunches have shaped you. And then now is the time as as Lynn is saying, we're you know, we're looking at the future. And so many stories are within you that you can be sharing with family and friends. That will literally be the beacon of light for so many. So just just get out there. Tell your story. And if you think you've got a great story that you want to also get out into the relaunch show, please let us know visit our website, therelaunchco.com and under podcast. Let us now and I would love to talk to you about your relaunch story right here on the relaunch podcast. Anyway, we'll see you all again next week. Thanks again, Lynn. Thank you