Your Self Talk Drives Your Emotions Which Drive Your Actions

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Welcome to think about the podcast. I'm Kelly Hatfield.

Hey. And I'm John Michell. So Kelly, you know, we got into something pretty interesting the last time and I thought we did take it the next step further. And it's this idea that, essentially, that self talk impacts your actions. And the background on this, if you didn't hear our last show, was that about a week ago, I went and saw the mental coach for the USC football team. And and as I mentioned last time, he went with Lincoln, Riley, when Lincoln Riley went from Oklahoma to take over the USC football team in there first year with Tim chi, the mental coach and Lincoln Riley, they went from like four and eight, the prior year to 11. And three, I think, so huge chart around. And I, as I mentioned last time, I got to know, Tim, at about three years ago, as as I was moving the University of Texas to be the gold standard for mental training and conditioning and, and of the all the sports psychologists I talked to, he was the only one that had a real system. And he so he and I have developed great friendship. Anyway, I go saying last week, and he explained something pretty cool. He says, think about this, he says when something happens, he calls it an event, when an event happens, the first thing that happens is you focus on it, focus on what the event was, or seventh part of the event. And then the second thing that happens is you have self talk. And then the third thing that happens is you have an emotion. And then the fourth thing you have happen is an action. And so I found that very interesting, and I've been cogitating on that. And I saw it. I saw it in in action this past week. And I wanted to share it with you. And I want to see if you have something in your life where it works like this. And so here's what happened last week. And you know, you may not know this, but I'm not very mechanically inclined. I know. I know, that's not I know, I know, who would, who would have thought that. Anyway, and I hate doing mechanical things. And so, but last week, you know, I bought a new jetski about a year ago. And of course, I had to get this jetski that'll go literally 75 miles an hour. Which, which is pretty adventurous, but but really fun. And so the problem though with it is you burn out the spark plugs about every year, so you get to replace the spark plugs. And so I'm thinking, well, how hard can that be? Surely I can change the damn spark plugs. Assuming that I got the right branch and all that. So I'm like, Okay, I'm going to do this. And so I go and I get into the jetski and I get the top off and I see the spark plugs. And then I realize I'm going to hit Get the rant so I go and buy the ranch, then I'm calling the, the parts dealer to get the right spark plugs. And I'm on the phone with him. And it's sort of taken forever for him to figure it out. And so that was the event I noticed that I might Patience is, is is getting thin. And I'm thinking to myself, here's where the self talk comes in. I'm like, I guess this guy's probably incompetent. You know? I mean, how tough is this? I mean, you know, here's the VIN number, the Jetski. Here's the model, either got the spark plugs or get out, you know, why, why is this taking five minutes to end. So that's part of the self talk that's going on. But the other part of the self talk that I have trained myself around is, you know, people do the best they can, I'm affirming that I'm patient. And so I watch that, that sort of dual self talk going on, and I see that that the self talk that that predominates was just be patient, he's doing the best he can, you know, just, and so then the emotion. The third part of the process, is the self talk causes the emotion on my hand of, okay, just chill, just chill. Whereas it could have been, if I'd gone with the first bit of self talk of, of I'm impatient, then then the emotion would be frustration. But the emotion that came from it was, actually was that I'm impatient. And then he figures out, you know, that he has his spark plugs. And the action was, okay, now I order the Spark Spark Plugs. And the action for me really is, is remaining chill. And but I that experience was so interesting to watch, you know, from the event, to the focus, to the self talk to the emotion to the action. And I'm like, this is exactly what Tim kite was talking about. So give me your thoughts on that. And is there can you think of anything in your life that that applies the same concepts?

Yeah, let me let me give you my thoughts on what you just shared. And what's interesting is the, the close connection to that self talk and the emotion. So to the point that you made, had you decided to, to go down the rabbit hole of the negative, you know, self talk around the whole thing and of this person, and, you know, focusing on that your emotion would have been, you know, frustration, anger, irritation, that kind of thing, which would have maybe led you to a different action, which might have been being a jerk, you know, being you know, whatever the case

Well, come on, me be a jerk.

You get where I'm going with it. But then yes, the power, how important self talk is, in that process, and how you are processing the event, and what you're focusing on matters, right. The other thing that jumped out at me too, is on the second piece with focus. And this just goes to not necessarily this scenario that you just shared, but when you're focused on so an event happens, and I'm trying to think I'm trying to dig a hole, let me just use something that is pretty basic, but that I think I can apply the and this of the event would be turning 50. So it would be my approaching my 50th birthday. And so when we get to focus, so focusing on okay, my 50th birthday is coming up what how I choose to frame that, I'm going to make all of the difference in the world as to what to those next steps, like the self talk and motion and the action behind it, because I could have framed it and focused on it in a negative way. I would have been like, oh my god, I'm turning 50 How the hell did that happen? Right, right. Or, you know, framing it in a way and focusing on it in a positive way in the self talk being positive around it, like how lucky am I am privileged? Am I to have lived 50 years and like framing it then the self talk around, you know, and the emotion around gratitude, you know, and just being happy that like, man, the alternative it sure the hell beats that? You know what I mean? Right? You know, so I think that you know, and I'll give you a comparison here in just a second. So then the emotion behind it was really positive and really hopeful and really forward motion and I was thinking about okay, what how do I own this next decade? And how do I evolve, you know, to like, it had a real positive energy and then I started taking action, you know, and doing the things, worked some things into my visualization of round I'm, you know, the type of person that I really needed to become to achieve, or to do the things that I wanted to do in this next decade, and took action beginning to work on that, as compared to when I turned 40. I literally cried all day long, anytime somebody would come into my office and say, you know,

Are you serious,

I am so serious, because to me, I don't know that transition from being in my 30s to 40s just felt, and still, you know, I'm still coming into my own, like, the years between 40 and 50, were like, you know, these were really where I started to gain momentum and really get to know myself really well and feel more confident and that type of thing. When I was moving to 30, from 30, to 40, just felt at that time in my life, like, old, you know what I mean? Like, that, literally, and I haven't done what I wanted to do. I haven't, you know, so it was, again, a whole different mindset. You know, and I don't know, John, whether this is different for men than it is for women. But there absolutely is something that happens as you age, and beauty. And those kinds of things that starts to, you know, as you age, there's just a different would be my guess, feeling around. Just aging and losing that, you know, I don't feel that way. Now. I feel confidence is where beauty is. And you know, beauty comes from, like, I've worked on myself, that doesn't matter. Yeah, right. When I was going from like, 30 to 40s, or whatever I was, like, you know, it was just a different it was a different mindset. So I share when we're talking about this, and I'm thinking about oh, my gosh, when I went from 40, the feeling from the day I turned 40 to the day I've turned with 50 was so dramatically different. And the reason why is this framework that you just shared, it was how I chose to focus on it myself talk around it right emotion I had as a result of that self talk, and then the action I took as a result of that emotion. Right. So anyway, that's the that's the comparison is,

That is a great example, Kelly, you know, it's it's interesting with ginger and I were just talking about this, and this completely pertains to you as well. You know, I look at the Jinju. And she's beautiful. Like I you know, I remember I was telling her, I went back to my high school reunion. And I'm like, Genge you're the best looking girl in here. No kidding. I mean, not even close. Now, that's, you know, maybe that's my ego. I don't know what that but but I'm like, I'm just telling you the truth. And she saw Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm like, Who would be a better judge? Is it me? Or is it you? And I see that this is a thing with women, that and you're following this. I mean, you literally look 10 years younger than your age. A you always somebody looked at you they got was she's not 50 She's, you know, early 40s. And maybe even early 30s Thank you, even the late 20s. But

I like where you're going with this thing.

But, you know, there is something about how women perceive their looks. That I think is a deviation from reality. Whereas and this may be true. On the opposite with men, men, I think always think they look better than they actually do. cluded but no, you know, do you think that's true?

I think there's just I don't know what it is. And the other thing, too, to think about is, you know, and this is a whole different, very lengthy discussion that would need experts involved. But there, there is something too, that's happening remotely with women, right, as they age with, which also impacts all of these things that we're talking about. Right. I think, you know, you end it just with the brain works. And if you're not on top of the transition, you know, hormonal and stuff, you know, you can go down a, you know, not a good road, you know what I mean? Right, but I do think men probably, you know, just from a confidence standpoint.

Right, right. Yeah. Delusional confidence. But, you know, the point of all this is, boy, life is a state of mind. And, you know, I think your example of, of, you know, you could you could take turn and 50 in a couple of ways. And, you know, like, we were talking before we went on the air, you know, I was telling you about Dan Kennedy, who I think is brilliant. Maybe the best marketer in the world. You know, I'm reading something he wrote last week and I get the distinct impression that life's a struggle for him. And, and I'm like, boy, doesn't matter how successful you are, life is a state of mind. And you can either go through this life with it being a nightmare, or a being a joy. And I see with both you and me, as we get older, it's more of a joy. I mean, it's a continual, you know, movement, up and an enlightenment. Up and, you know, the like, like, we're also talking about how, how things happen in life. And, and you have gotten to the point as I have, where if something doesn't go like we want it, we go, Well, I wish it happen this way. But maybe there's a bigger purpose that it happened this way. And I just don't see it yet. So I'm going to accept it. Well, I can promise you, I promise you that only 1/10 of 1% of people out there are looking at it like that. But it's absolutely the key to to happiness, don't you think? Oh,

You know, 100%? Well, we were visiting about this earlier, it was, you know, one of the benefits, I think that comes with aging is that you are looking at experiences, you can now connect the dots, and you can see all of the things that didn't go the way that you had planned, and how they led you to where you are today. And like, have they not happened or you know, like, this door wouldn't have opened up if that had happened for you, or you wouldn't have been available to do this thing that was life changing for you. And so now, you know, again, with that framework, and the way I choose to look at that and connect the dots, I can now say, Okay, well, this didn't go that's, you know, that's a bummer. And, and then, you know, be in that frame of mind where it's like, okay, well, you know, I'll do a quick analysis, like, why did this deal fall apart? Was that simply wrong? And then, you know, I'm like, okay, it wasn't supposed to happen, you know, there's another door or something else that's going to happen, as a result, you know, that's, that is a better opportunity, or a better and that's the way I choose to look at it, and then I'm done with it and move on, I'm not wasting any energy, I'm not beating myself up. I'm not, because I can draw from that past experience and say, Listen, I wasted enough energy, you know, first 20 years of my life, you know, the last 20 years, you know, I've wasted more than enough energy on that, that I could have expended and used in a much more positive manner. And I choose not to do that anymore.

Right? Well, you know, as, at a fundamental level, it's, it's the belief that life works out like it's supposed to. Yeah, and, and not everybody has that. And, and, you know, I'll share the story that I, I shared with you before we got on, you know, and this pertains to Sam chi, the mental coach for USC. So, you know, three years ago, I teach our methodology to Christo, Connie, the athletic director, who you know, and he's enamored with it, and, and I tell him, Well, you know, let's make Texas the gold standard for mental training and conditioning. So right, you know, I say, I'd still a well, let me go meet the top sports psychologists in the world. And so there were basically three, you and me go there to the Seattle Seahawks and meet Michael Gervais who works with with Pete Carroll, Pete Carroll. And, and that was great. learn stuff from him. Then I go and meet Trevor mo Ed, the mental coach for Alabama. brilliant guy. And then I go and meet our reminders guy, Tim kite, who had won a national championship in football with with Urban Meyer. And I liked him the best because he had a system. So okay, I, I introduce each of those guys to Christo, Connie via zoom call. And but I'm, I'm telling Chris, I like Sam chi the best. Okay, so that evolves. And I get it all set up for Tim chi to fly to Austin, and meet Steve Sarkeesian, the football coach at Texas, this like a year or so ago. And the day that that we were meeting at the University of Texas announces that they are leaving the big 12 and joining the SEC. So it's a big event. Steve Sarkeesian can't do it. The thing falls apart and I'm bummed out and and and so on. Um, you know, I'm like, Damn, you know, this is such a great opportunity. And but it just didn't work out. Well, ironically, now this owl life works, I go and see Tim kite last week and Hilton Head and hang out with him. And what evolves is, is I am now going to take his methodology and incorporate it with our methodology. And I'm teaching a full semester for credit class on basically think it be it but including his methodology as well. And it's now going to be a course for all 800 athletes at the University of Texas. And over the last few days, I see that, you know, what a blessing it was that that situation a year ago, fell apart, because back then all I was was a conduit for, for making it happen. Now, as it's evolved, I'm right in the middle of it, I'm on the person that's going to teach it and and actually drive at home at the University of Texas. And then once we get it at the University of Texas, in place, we're going to take it to USC. And so a perfect example of what you're talking about that, that, you know, you think something is not goes against you? Well, things work out, like they should you just don't know, at that point. What don't you know, or what, what's going to evolve that you have no ability to see today?

No. And I love one thing I want to point out related to that story into what we're talking about, which is noticed too, that the belief, and that the action around, you know, making the University of Texas, you know, the top, what is it again,

The gold standard gold standard,

That that still remain top of mind, like you were still honed in on that, making that like so it wasn't just sitting back, and like waiting for something to fall into your lap. And to you know what I mean? Like, when we're talking like this, too, we're not saying, you know, like, you weren't still moving and grooving and try, you know what I mean, and doing things that either bring value to the University of Texas continuing meetings with the University of Texas, you know, continuing to research and again, to bring value through, you're learning from the experts. So now that those still those things are all still happening, there are actions happening in us that, you know, that now things are aligning up, and those doors are opening. And so I want to be clear to about, oh, well it wasn't meant to be and then just kind of waiting for the next line to fall into your lap. Like, you know, we're still taking that next action and taking that next. You know, I'm not really articulating it very well. But you get what I'm saying with this.

Yeah, yeah. And you know, so So the point of this podcast really is that your, your self talk drives your emotion and your emotion drives your actions. Well, what how this relates to our methodology, is when you're feeding the succinct articulation of your life to yourself each day, you're strengthening yourself emotionally, there is a self talk that that all in all, this is happening unconsciously. But you're strengthening yourself emotionally with the proper self talk so that when an event happens, it follows what what this formula that that event happens, then there's self talk, then there's emotion, then there's an action. And and so i i challenge our audience, as you go through your your day, see how that plays out, just look for events, and watch the self talk that comes from it. And then once the emotion that follows, then look at the action that comes from it. But I think this whole idea is is incredibly fascinating. So with that said, we'll see you next time.