Having A Great Romantic Relationship – The Impact Of Think It Be It

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Welcome to Think It Be It the podcast. I'm Kelly Hatfield. Hey.

And I'm John Michell. So Kelly, how about this week, we talk about your romantic relationship and how it's impacted by think it bit? How's that sound?

Sounds good to me. Let's do it.

Okay, well, tell the audience how, how our methodology has impacted your marriage?

Well, I think that prior to this methodology, like many people who are listening, we get caught in, you know, again, we talk about this autopilot, you know, you just get caught in the day to day, you know, of going about your business. And we're not necessarily focused and intentional about creating positive relationships with our significant other, you know, I have found to and I don't, you know, I'm sure many people who are listening may be able to relate to this is that oftentimes, the people who were closest to, we love the most get the short and the shortest end of the stick, you know what I mean? Because we'll go, there's more grace there, and all of that. And so, your closest relationships, your romantic your intimate relationships can suffer the most from that. And so what I have found with this methodology is just like everything, I show up so much more intentionally, in our relationship on, you know, how I treat, Jared, you know, specifically related to, you know, letting him know how much I appreciate him, you know, giving him compliments, a weekly touch base that we have that, you know, automated, you know, kind of into our weekly routine, you know, that's part of this visualization. And so it's been an absolute game changer, you know, and here we are, we'll be celebrating our 29th wedding anniversary here at our house. And we've been together for 31 years. So we had a pretty solid foundation, you know, but boy, this has really taken things to a, you know, another level in terms of just feeling, you know, the emotion and feeling more connected and having a more positive relationship. So, it's been a game changer. Well,

Yeah. So and on my end is well, you know, I think that a lot of times when I talk to people, and you know, when I explain our methodology in a nutshell, you know, you're, you're creating immense clarity about your life, you know, you're you're defining, here's exactly the person I want to be, here's exactly what I want to accomplish. And here's precisely how I'm going to achieve my clearly defined goals, you know, so it's, it's all about creating that immense clarity. And then when you feed it to yourself every day, after 21 days, the subconscious mind, which is controlling your, your daily actions, except SAP programming, and then the right actions happen automatically without thinking. And, and, you know, one of the things I see when I talk to people is they're like, I have trouble creating that clarity. And I get that, and I see that one of the things that is evolved in our template is for each area of your life, we fleshed out what clarity in that specific area really means. And, you know, the template now is 20 plus years in development. So there's been a lot of, you know, fleshing out clarity in and I thought I would share with everybody, like just some of the things that are in my visualization, in terms of you know, those specific things like, like, I affirm to myself, every day that I'm going to be flexible, patient and thoughtful, and I explained what that means in my relationship with ginger. also affirm that I'm going to make her feel appreciated. And what that means and how do I do that? Also affirm two compliments a day. Boy, this that one's been powerful, that also affirm our Sunday night talk, we do that every 8pm on Sunday nights, then I affirm passion and sensuality. And I know you'd like to hear more about that. But of course, I'd have to kill you, if I gave you all the details. Ever, nevertheless, I am affirming what that means. Then also affirm that I focus on, like the 20 different great attributes of the challenge. You know, there's so many great things about her that I'm focusing on the good things, and ignoring the things that maybe frustrate me and and also affirm that I let go of frustration quickly. You know, this has been really powerful to see this to myself, because, you know, I've noticed so often if I ever got frustrated, eight out of eight automatically came into my head, let go with the frustration. It had happened automatically. Another thing is that, you know, a lot of times Sandwell, not a lot of times, but sometimes Genge wants to do things that absolutely make no sense to me. asked, and and, you know, you say they used to frustrate me. But then I finally realize, you know, it matters way more to her to do at her way than it does for me and for us to do it my way. I'm like, Just do it the way she wants to do it, even if it makes no sense at all. Yeah. And and so I found that my visualization. I'm also you we have a quarterly goal for our relationship. And I'll define what that goal is and the three or four key behaviors, also a fire into myself to pay attention to the details, because the ginger is all about the details. also affirmed to to honor her request quickly. I also tell her she's a great dresser. I tell her you look cute. And she always does like

He always does. Oh my god, she's the snappiest and Best Dresser.

I know, I know. But you know, you know, women love to hear that. Let's see what else oh do and that's been put in is now I greet her when she comes back home. You know, she's, she's out and about maybe a little more than I am. And so now when she comes back back home, I'll go and greet her and just, you know, welcome her back home. And then, you know, maybe the last one is, I'm into making her laugh, you know, we always had this this humorous, ongoing vibe. And but you know, I share all that stuff. Because that's what clarity is when you really get clear about your relationship and how you want it to be and how you, you want to be in that relationship. That's the type of stuff I'm I'm talking about. Right? Yeah, absolutely.

Gotta have that clarity around specifically, what actions and what your intention is.

Yeah. Is that what actions right? Some of it is a little philosophical to, you know, I like like what I just explained, you know, that it matters more to her than it does to me, well, that's not an action, per se. But it's a philosophy that, once you feed it to yourself, you're like, Oh, I get it, I get it. 100%

It's okay, that this doesn't matter. To me, it's so important to her. And because I love her, I'm going to support this way, you know, so again, it's that whole, your that I think that's a great distinction, John, when we're talking between actions, and then also philosophies because it helps you see it from the other person's perspective. And we know why that's why this is important. And a lot of the time the why, you know, helps feed that into the subconscious. Right.

You know, one thing I'm going to do now that you'll find interesting, you know, over the last two or three months, I am now embraced listening to my daily visualization, rather than reading it. Now. I read it one day, a week, every Wednesday, but the other six days a week, I listened to it, and I'm using this app called speechify. And it will let let you listen to your visualization in your own voice. But if you wanted to, you could listen to it in a celebrity for he's like, they have Snoop Dogg. They have Gwyneth Paltrow. Yeah, they have a number of celebrities. And so lately, one day a week I've been listening to my visualization with Snoop Dogg doing by visualization. And so and you know, I share that with you because, you know, when you're doing something seven days a week, you want to create as much diverse See as possible. And so, you know, and it it hits the subconscious mind is slightly different when Snoop Dogg is saying it rather than me. But I'm gonna play like, oh, maybe a minute of my visualization in the relationship section and you'll see what I'm talking about. So, if you're ready for that

We're having a great marriage, being a great husband and always improving in the art of being a great husband is who I am. I control getting out of the relationship what I want, by first giving GE what she wants, by playing to her love language of service and details, then I orchestrate what I want. I continually upgrade our relationship education. I'm flexible, patient and thoughtful, flexible means go with what GE wants. Patient means being okay with GE doing things slow, instructing on details. Thoughtful means seeing things from her point of view, the jeans nice to talk. I'm respectful of her opinion, and how she wants to do things. I keep the zest and spark burning in our relationship. by dialing in romance and making ginger laugh often with ginger yet, I'm super tuned into making her feel appreciated and loved. And by me being the best version of me, I let go of frustration quickly. I'm also sexual and sensual by initiating passionate six second kisses and giving cards also intentionally creating the weekly intimacy I desire by creating the space for that each week at night. And lastly, every Sunday we have our relationship talk to make her happy. I pay attention to the details, because she's ruled by details. That's okay. That's how my precious girl does life.

So that's an example of what's on the front of my life GPS template, but you can see the sentence structure is in a certain way. And it's just powerful.

No, so powerful. If you had slowed that down, we could have gotten a whole Snoop like vibe to it. Yeah, right.

Right. You know, I was I was reading it at 1.4. Because it it's sort of worse. 1.4. But you're right.

Yeah, to get hold snoop. The whole Snoop experience.

Maybe you read it back point five, then you got the total. The total Snoop experience? I love it. You know, I'd say yeah, I remember. And this was like, you know, I was in my 30s. I remember this poster I saw that said, it said, here's the top 30 things to have great life. And number one was, have a great romantic relationship. And, and, you know, boy, that stuck with me my whole life. And that's why, you know, when I hit 50, I was like, I'm going to fix this part of my life, I'm going to really find a partner, not just date. And, and you know, the other thing that I think is worth talking about is I know you're familiar with the five love languages. You want to talk about that a little.

What do you want me to do? What do you want me to talk about?

Well, just explain to everybody the concept and I'll help you if you don't remember it.

Yeah, I don't remember the love languages other than like, acts of service. And right. Yeah, that's the only one that we're all for that because that's jerris.

Right? That's the only one you need to know. Where, you know, for the people that don't know what this is, you know, there's a book many years ago called The Five Love Languages and, and everybody has a desired way that they want to receive love. And there's five different ways you know, one is acts of service. Now, the one is words of affirmation. Another one is, gifts. Another one is physical touch. I'm not sure what the fifth one is. But this was powerful, because what happens is that we all tend to want to give love in the form of how we want to get love. And that's a problem because your partner may not receive love the same way you do an ad like and gingers in my case, hers. Her love language is definitely acts of service. And mine is probably words of affirmation. What about you?

Yeah, Jared says is definitely acts of service in mind would be similar words of affirmation, if you just say, hey, I really appreciate, you know that you did that, unlike good. You've filled my cup, you know, with a words of affirmation like that. So, and Jared is definitely acts of service.

Right? You know, I tell you in, in coaching people, you know, I see that what men want is, is to be admired more than anything else. They want to be admired. And that's why criticism of a man is so devastating, you know, way more so than I think women perceive, you know, I, you give me your take on this. But ginger tells me that when women give constructive criticism, women take it very easily and are appreciative of it. Whereas men feel like, you know, you're devaluing them that you're not admiring them, the GPU by that.

I guess it's all just the way that the message is delivered. Right. But I think that just from a standpoint of ego, right, you know, and I think that sometimes masculinity and ego can get in the way of receiving, right.

Yes, that male ego was needed or struggling.

Yeah, you know what I mean? So no, I get, you know, your viewpoint on that, you know, there's definitely some validity there, that's for sure. But if somebody's going to tell me if somebody's giving me criticism, and it is being delivered in a way that, you know, is, again, unkind criticism is unkind criticism, you know, or wrong. You know what I mean? It doesn't I don't think the, you know, I think they're both received in the same way.

But yeah, you know, I'd say, Yeah, I think I'm gonna go into a new business, I'm going to, I'm going to coach women on how to handle men. Where do you think I would excel at that? That's not the ringing doors that I was open for. But yes. Your, your, your? Well, you know, I'd say you men are so easy to manipulate. I mean, because of that ego, you know, that's your kryptonite, you know, if you just make the, the guy feel admired, and yelled at it, that can play out in a number of ways. They're putty in your hands. You know, man, I'd be a great woman.

I know, and I think too, at the same time, we talk about this, um, you know, in relationships, and, you know, having kind of a disclaimer, or a caveat at the beginning to that says, hey, if you're in a relationship, you know, that's toxic, there are no amount of what we're talking about, is going to fix that, you know, what I mean? So, like, we're talking to about starting on the on a foundation, where there's love, and a mutual respect of one another, you know, if you're on a relationship where there is violence, where there is disrespect, and and you know, or anything, any kind of an abuse situation, or then this isn't going to solve that, you know, so just I want to say that as we're talking about this, and maybe oversimplifying it, for somebody who's listening, that's saying, Okay, well, you know, what I mean, I want to make sure because not everybody is coming to from our vantage point when we're talking about our relationships. So, you know, if if something is really really broken, you know, for many different reasons, then, you know, no amount of methodology, this methodology is going to fix that, you know, what I mean?

Well, and, you know, I know, from, from coaching people on on our methodology, you know, so often, I would say that, that I would ask people to rate their marriage on a scale of one to 10. And so often, they come in and tell me, it was a five, and, you know, largely, they were coming to me to impact their income, but I'm like, if you've got a five marriage, that's a bigger problem than your income. And, and I'm, like, either fix it or get out. I mean, I hate to be so blunt, but But you know, you know, fix it or get out and, and my recommendation is always, you know, if you improve, your spouse can't help but improve. So let's, let's improve you and see what happens. Yes. And so that that always proved to be powerful. And, you know, the other thing with for men, I think, is my perception is that women just want to be understood and heard. Do you think that's true with Bas? Winterset?

Yeah, we're just so much more emotional. We're oftentimes men, you know, are so much more logical, you know, and so 100% agree with you, you know, feeling heard, seen, understood, should be, you know, at the top of the list for women

You know, I'd say I see that some people are, you know, what, just what you said is a great point. You know, you and I are blessed to have great marriages. And so we look at the world from that standpoint. But you know, I tell you I have two dear friends of mine that lived two doors down from a yawn Lake Austin and They had a terrible marriage. I watched it for 20 years, and they just got got a divorce, oh, a year or two ago. And now, the woman is thinking about moving back in with the guy because of monetary reasons. And I'm like, oh my god, I just had dinner with her last night and her daughter. And I'm like, that is gotta be about the worst idea I can imagine. But I see that sometimes people get in these these codependent relationships that are awful hard to break, you know? Yep.

Absolutely. And so yeah, I just wanted to make sure that we, you know, touched on that a little bit as we were talking about romantic relationships, because to your point, John, I believe you said that this at the at this at the beginning. But your romantic relationship is one of the things that influences your overall happiness in life. I mean, think about it, when you've been in a relationship, where you've been unhappy, it bleeds into every aspect of your life, it's a lot like to your career, if you're miserable in your career, right, nearly impossible, that it doesn't bleed into your relationships, and you know, into the other at your health and the other aspects of key aspects of your life. The same goes with this relationship, it is one of the single things that has the most impact over your overall happiness and quality of life is that romantic relationship? Right?

Well, I'm always amazed how, you know, I'll read or listen to my visualization each morning. And, and you know, how my day plays out? You know, the first thing I do is, is our rollover in and give the judge a compliment, you know, I'm gonna give her two compliments. First one is in the morning, then the second one will be at dinner. And it's amazing to me it really it? Well it both times, but at dinner, you know, it just comes into my head, what's the compliment? What's the compliment, and she knows I'm doing it? Well, she does. She consciously knows it. But she doesn't know it on a day in day out basis, she just experiences it. But I see the power of when we're eating dinner, it coming into my head to give her a compliment. And then you know, then when we're having our relationship, and if I'm ever frustrated, like I said, boom, it hits me, let go of frustration, also affirm in mind that if we ever have a serious disagreement to do mirroring, validation and empathy, which is a cool technique, but she knows it just, I'm always taken by how the right actions start happening automatically in this important part of my life, simply feeding what those right actions are every morning.

So it's a perfect demonstration of everything that we talk about. And you know, I'll tie this back to that reticular activating system being like one, that being the filter for your brain. So once you tell your brain what to do and what to look for, like you're looking for things throughout the day to compliment Raj on you know what I mean, a brain is doing that, because it knows that this is, you know, something that you do every evening at dinner. So it's a it's looking throughout the day for those things. Yeah. And that is the power of having, you know, of intentionally directing your mind, you know, and, you know, so that, that reticular activating system knows what to look for. Because it and one of the lines of my visualization is like, literally, I look for all of the wonderful things about Jared, right? Because too, it's easy. You know, especially when you're in a marriage or you've been married for a long time, it's easy to be irritated by those little things. And then when you start to focus on those little things, guess what, right? You've seen more of those little things, and those little things become big things, you know, so if you aren't actively, you know, and with intention, programming your brain, you know, to show up the way that you want to show up in your relationship. It's, you know, relationships are difficult, especially the ones that are closest to you.

So, did you ever have a point in your marriage where you got just got to the point where you're like, you know, we'll never get a divorce?

Yeah, I think probably like your, I would say, 20, like your 14 kind of a bumpy, you know what I mean? And I would say you're like, 20, you know, where it was like, okay, you know, this is not it, where it was ever like, now, there's just no question that isn't anything like we've got the right skills now having been married for as long as we have to navigate. You know, so many of the challenges that come up in life as a couple. And you know, when you're intentionally showing up the way that you want to show up in your relationship, it changes the game. You know, it does, you're able to now They kick that stuff so much more easily.

Well, you know, if you're in a healthy relationship, and you really show up the way you want, there's almost no way the relationship can fail. Because whether they're doing their visualization or not, they're gonna feed off the how you raise your game. And, and, you know, I know with ginger and I, I don't know how many years ago it was, but it just became obvious that, you know, we'll never get into horse, I mean, that just is not something not that it was ever really on the on the table, obviously, you get married with the intention of staying gather, but but there, you know, especially probably for, for me, never been married until my late 50s. You know, I didn't know what this ride was all about. But, you know, there was a point a number of years ago, where I'm like, Well, you know, we're in this for the long haul. And, and mainly because I saw what a great person ginger is, and what I mean, she's just a she's very thoughtful. You know, she just, I couldn't hope for a finer person, and her values are great. And they're and, you know, we've got this chemistry, and I look back on all the girls I dated, and there were a lot of them,

I must say, there were in pretty much tapped out. Dallas.

Yes, he had to go to a completely another city to, to experience those women. Yep. But, but I, you know, I tell you, I don't know this out of this is a comment on, on women or, or not. But I see that with men, men are all about looks, you know, I mean, they're all about and the younger they are? Well, I don't, it doesn't matter what their age is, we're all about looks first. You know, as we get older, we start to realize, boy, you know, they can be great looking, but they're an empty suit. They don't have you know, they don't have good values, they don't have good sense of humor, they just, you know, there are all sorts of, you know, flaws. But for men, oftentimes, and again, more, the younger they are, the more this is likely to be true. They're blinded by the beauty. And, you know, I started to realize that in my 30s. And I realize, you know, it's not really about the beauty at all, I'm sure you want to be attracted to but there's so much more. And I think the flip side of that is for women, women, oftentimes we're looking for the man that can provide financial security, it's not so much looks as that. Is that Is that a fair statement?

I think so I think just somebody of substance, like, you know, and I think for me, too, like, so many of the different factors, like the looks isn't as important as all of the other things that make that person attractive, like having a really great sense of humor. And, you know, I'm lucky because Jared super handsome, but but the sense of humor, you know, and just again, substance values, you know, things on lines, I think, you know, a woman will take those into account more than necessarily the the looks and I say this all too I don't know whether how, you know, much I have to like, give to this conversation because literally, I got married when I was 22. You know what I mean? So I don't have I did not date all of Seattle life.

Trust me, you save a lot of brain damage. So, you know, I'll tell you when it's funny when I met ginger. I was the first date she had after getting back on the market after 22 years of marriage. And one of the things that was interesting is yeah, we instantly hit it off. And and she was doing as I was this dating service. And they were like, We're lining up to ginge with you know, date after date after date. And even after we really got going I'm like ginge go out on the dates, experience, other men be cautious about that, but you know, experience some, and I'm like, You got to do that to be to really have a sense, because I knew what I was experiencing on the women, you know, it takes me I might be interested in dating one in 10 women that I've made, I'm like was gotta be the same way on man. Isn't that at all? And so that proved to be be good and that and now she kids me she says, Well, you know, I picked the poorest of the eight I think I'm like I sorted out. That's true. And she, you know, she told me, she, she made it. Funny. I love her. She told me that she dated this guy that worked for Boeing, that on their first date, he flew her from Austin to New Orleans for their date. Okay, and so she throws that up to me and I go with Jen, she know, he's probably homeless now, because he just worked for somebody. I mean, you know, checking now probably driving a taxi now. Oh, my gosh. But well, I hope we have enlightened people to the, our of our methodology with a romantic relationship and how that is so important to one's happiness. So until next time, we'll see you soon.

Thanks for listening today. If you've had your own aha moment from today's episode, send me or John an email. We'd love to share your epiphany with our audience. So email us at kelly@thinkitbeit.com or John@thinkitbeit.com. In the meantime, live the exceptional life