Unafraid

Hello beautiful humans, welcome to The Midlife Revolution. I'm your host, Megan Conner. And today we're going to talk about the question that started the biggest revolution in my life. And that question is, what would you do if you were not afraid? The trouble is, it's kind of easy to go to the obvious answers, right? We think about Daredevil stunts, jumping out of an airplane bungee jumping, finally asking out that girl we've had our eye on or taking a long trip far away, taking time off of work. So I want to try to push beyond those kind of superficial answers. Because those answers address kind of one existential fear. If we have a fear of heights or something like that, you know, skydiving is kind of the obvious answer. If we weren't afraid, that's what we would do. But some of our fears are based in something a little bit deeper. And so I want to go a little bit deeper with the answer to this question. And first, as always, I'm going to start out with this story. In the fall of 2013, I had just started my dream job. I was teaching choir at the school, where my children attended. And it was really exciting for me, because I got to see them every day, I got to know their teachers, they got to have lunch with me in my office whenever they wanted to. And it was really an ideal situation. But I had also just started to become aware of some of the unhealthy relationships in my life, and the different ways in which they were harming me. And I hadn't started therapy yet. And I also hadn't stopped dissociating from all of the traumatic events. In my childhood, I was still kind of pushing those things away and pretending like they weren't that bad. And I had no idea what a journey lay ahead of me when I started asking all of these questions of myself and try to explore some of the deeper answers.

So one day, I was sitting in my office, and my son was taking voice lessons with a teacher who was coming into the classroom to teach voice lessons during their choir class, it was like the ideal situation, the you don't have to take your kid anywhere, you don't have to wait anywhere, they just take the lesson like during their class. So this voice teacher and I had gotten to know each other just a little bit. The choir world is a very small world. And so I knew of him beforehand. And I knew what a good teacher he was. And I was really excited about him potentially having a really good influence over my oldest son. And so we got to know each other a little bit over the first few months of school. And one day, he walked into my office, and he was about to go through my office to the library, which is where he taught voice lessons. And he stopped on my desk, and he said, I want to ask you a question. And I said, Okay, sure. And he kind of had a serious tone to his voice. He said, What would you do if you weren't afraid? And of course, all the obvious answers started running through my mind, you know, skydiving and trips and things like that, that we think of like right off the bat. But for whatever reason, that question kind of struck a chord with me, and I wanted to really think about the answer, like, what am I afraid of? And what would I do if that fear wasn't there? So I told him, I said, I want to think about this and give you a real answer. So is it okay, if I just tell you later? He said, Sure. That's fine. And he went and taught his lesson. And I sat there at my desk for almost an hour. And when he came back out from teaching his lesson, I had my answer. And I don't know why I felt so safe to be so vulnerable with this person that I only know for a few months, but it was something about the way that he asked the question. And also I'd observed him with students, and I knew that he was a really safe person. And I also knew that he had this ability to form close attachments with people in a really short amount of time. He was just a trustworthy person. And the kids really trusted him and loved him. And so I felt like I could trust him too.

And so that's why I gave him a real answer to that question. When I started thinking about what am I afraid of, I started thinking about how I felt about my life, and the fact that I had been unhappy for a really long time. And I knew the source of my unhappiness, but I wasn't ready to confront it yet. Because I knew that that would mean changing a lot of things in my life and creating a lot of upheaval. And so I think the main thing that I was scared of was change. I think a lot of us are scared of change. We get comfortable in our routines, and the fear of the unknown keeps us from changing anything. And so maybe fear of change is one of the biggest fears that we can confront, because until we actually make a change, we of course don't know how it's going to impact our life or the lives of other people. So that was the first thing I thought about. And the next thing I thought about is, I realized that the changes that I wanted to make were big, and they were going to affect more than just me, they were going to affect my kids and my parents and my relationships, on lots of different levels. And so I guess the second fear that I had was rooted in this sort of fear of abandonment, I was afraid that if I made these big changes, that my relationships will change, too. And I didn't want to lose the trust I had built with people who are close to me, and I didn't want to, I didn't want these changes to negatively impact the other people in my life, and so thereby impact my relationship with them as well. And the next thing I thought about is that these big changes were going to mean, I was going to have to confront my fears of not being adequate to do the things that I really, really wanted to do. And that fear of inadequacy, kept me from stepping outside of my comfort zone, taking a teaching job was kind of the safe, comfortable thing for me to do. I had sort of gotten to this point where I had graduated with a master's degree in vocal performance, and I was singing and performing. And I was just starting to kind of get a career going. And it started taking me away from home and my children more and more. And my spouse at that time was not supportive of me having that time away. And so it's sort of confronted with this decision to either continue to audition and get more jobs as an opera singer, or to play the safe routes, get my teaching certificate and become an acquired teacher. And I chose the latter. I think it was a good choice for a lot of reasons. I was able to be home for my kids a lot more.

And as a teacher, I was off work when they were off school. And it just was, it made things a lot easier and convenient at a time when things were pretty messy and complicated in my life. But I recognize too, that it was also fear that made me make that decision instead of the other decision. It was the fear of not being successful as a professional singer. And it was also the fear of confronting some dynamics in my relationship that I knew were really unhealthy. And that fear kept me stuck for a really, really long time. I think looking back on it now, I realized that the problems were there, whether I was going to confront them or not, not confronting the problems did not change the dynamic or make things better or easier. It just put off the inevitable of having to confront it. Because relationship problems, they do not age well. And we really have to confront those problems when they come up. Because if we let them fester, then resentment builds. And it makes it even more difficult to have a conversation when we're addressing a problem that happened months ago. And we let it go for a really long time without saying anything about it. So that's another fear, the fear of confrontation. So thinking about all these things, that's what I did for that hour was, you know, confront and think about all of these different fears that were coming up for me. And I kind of surprised myself with the answer that I came up with an eye again, surprised myself with how vulnerable I was willing to be with this person. The answer that I gave him was a relatively short, concise answer. I said, if I wasn't afraid, I would get divorced, and move across the country to live near my sister.

I say it was a surprise to me. But it wasn't a surprise at all, on some levels, because I knew my relationship had been unhealthy for a really, really long time. And I knew there was probably nothing that I could do to make it better. In fact, I had tried to make it better in lots of different ways, and nothing was changing. So I had to confront the reality that it was probably not a relationship that was going to last. Now this was 2013. It wasn't until 2017 that I actually separated. So it took me a really long time to make that revolution. But the other thing I realized is that I wasn't just afraid of the confrontation of change of inadequacy, all of those things. One of my biggest fears was that if I got divorced, I wouldn't be able to provide for my children. I had six children at the time, and one of them was just getting ready to graduate high school. I didn't know what her plans were for college or anything like that afterwards. And I already knew what the budget was and I knew that we were drained to the very, very end, being a teacher is not a lucrative career as most of you know. And I was really afraid that if I cut my income in half, that there was no way that I was going to be able to provide for my kids. So in some ways, I didn't really trust myself to do what was necessary to provide for my children. And that fear of money scarcity followed me for a really long time as well. And that was rooted in some other issues that we definitely will talk about another time. But I never did end up moving in with my sister, I did get divorced. But I didn't, I didn't move in with my sister. And I think the reason why I said it that way is because that fear of not being able to provide for my children, you know, I knew my sister had a basement, and you know, it would be safe for me to kind of crash there until I could get my feet under myself and get a decent paying job. And I knew that my kids and her kids would love spending time together. And so that's kind of why I defaulted to that it was sort of like a little bit of a safety net, that was the only kind of safety net that I really knew. But I already knew at that point in 2013, that my marriage was in trouble. It hadn't been healthy from the beginning. But when things started to get bad, a couple of years in, I ignored all of the warning signs, because I was afraid to admit the truth. And I think that's another fear that we have to learn to confront.

The truth is harmful. It's hard, it's difficult. And it's one of those things that if we kind of pretend we minimize, we dismiss certain things. We're not really being honest with ourselves. And we're not being honest with our partner, either if we're in a relationship, and that's the issue. So admitting the truth to myself, was something I was also afraid of. And now, I actively seek out the truth, after being lied to about so many things for my entire life and being gaslighted into not believing myself or trusting myself or trusting my own experiences now, by actively seek out the truth. And I want to confront the truth. And I want the truth to be out there. Because I believe that a, a truth that's difficult to deal with is so much better than a kind of lie. Because we're not really sparing ourselves or anybody else. From the harmful parts of the truth, we're just again, delaying the inevitable of having to deal with it. So I was afraid I wouldn't be able to provide for my children, I was afraid the impact of a divorce would have on them. I was afraid of what my parents, my friends and religious leaders would think that's another fear that we have to constantly confront is the fear of other people's expectations, and the fear of other people's opinions of our actions and our behavior. I was afraid of facing the realities of what made my relationship unhealthy. I was afraid there were bigger issues within myself that I needed to address. Because I knew that the relationship wasn't just all on one side somebody's fault, I knew that I had behaviors and beliefs and unhealthy patterns that I had to address too. And I was so afraid to take the lid off of that Pandora's box, because there was something within me that knew that there were much deeper problems and issues that I hadn't yet confronted. And I was frankly, afraid to confront all those issues, because it felt like a big scary monster to me. But those fears, were holding me back from doing what I already knew I needed to do in order to improve my life. And I think that's one of the things that we fail to recognize so often is that we really do already know what we need, we know what we need to heal. And we know what we need to do in order to change the things that we're dissatisfied with. But sometimes we're really afraid to actually take a step and do it because of all of these fears that we've already listed. So as I'm kind of going through this, I would love it if you would take a second and just write some things down. As I'm talking about some of these different fears. I know probably some probably some of you are going oh lightbulb moment. That's definitely something I'm afraid of. Or maybe finally things are coming to the surface that you feel like you need to address. Or maybe you're having memories about some things that you minimized into thinking they were not such a big deal before but now you realize that they really are. So take a second to write some things down and take a second to replay the episode and definitely please share this episode with your friends or with anybody who you think will benefit from it. So I did finally summon the courage to end my marriage. It didn't happen for another four years after that. And it took a lot of self reflection and a lot of therapy and a lot of stuff.

Apart from great people in my life, and that was terrifying. And some of my fears were very valid. But since making that decision, I've never been happier. And when I made the decision, when I actually made the final decision and told my former spouse that I wanted to divorce and the relationship was over, I felt nothing but peace, because I already knew that that was the right choice. I already knew that's what I needed to do, I was just afraid to do it. I also think my children are better, better off living in reality. You know, my former spouse, and I were kind of we, we didn't fight really openly, and we didn't air any of our issues in front of our children. And so I think they were probably blindsided, when we told them that we were getting a divorce. And I'm sure that was really, really hard for them on a lots of different levels. But what I hope that they learned as well, and I have had conversations with them since then, then and I do know that some of these lessons of are some of the things that they learned when I made the choice to prioritize my own mental health, and to prioritize what was best for me. And I know that my children learned from that that prioritizing yourself is really important. And it's not selfish, when it means bettering your life so that you can show up better for the people in your life. And I wasn't really protecting my kids from anything by not getting divorced, I was just shielding them from the truth, which, again, as I mentioned previously, before, I really think that the truth, even though difficult to confront, and hard to grapple with sometimes is so much better than covering things up and lying about them, because the truth is going to come out eventually. And then they have not only the trauma of the truth, but they also have the trauma of being lied to, or being deceived for such a long time and living what you know, ultimately was a lie for them. They thought that their parents had a healthy, happy relationship. And it turns out that that wasn't the case for a very long time. And I'm sure that was hard for them to confide and handle as well. I hope also that they learned to understand the markers of unhealthy relationships, and coercive control. And I think that they've done a really good job of choosing better partners for themselves, because they recognize some of those toxic behaviors, and things that would be unhealthy for them in a relationship. And I remember one therapy session, I was feeling really heartbroken because my kids were, you know, when we first announced the divorce, it was really, of course destabilizing for everybody. And they all reacted in different ways, some better than others, and some in healthy ways in some in unhealthy ways. And I was really struggling with the way that I saw my kids struggling. And I brought this up to my therapist, and we settled, I made this choice that was so harmful to my kids. And I can't believe I did this to them. And she said you didn't do anything to them. Change was coming, whether you decided to make the change, or whether something he did force to change or whether he made a change, change was coming. Because unhealthy things are always going to change. Sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worse depending on how you handle it, and what you do with your particular issues on your side of the street.

So she wanted to instill in me that I made a choice that bettered my life, and made me more able to show up for my children. by prioritizing my mental health, I was ever able to be a better mother, a better teacher, a better sister, a better friend, because all of my energy was finally not being taken up by this unhealthy relationship that I was constantly trying to manage. So by stepping into that fear of not being able to handle the change and not being able to provide for my kids, I was able to make something positive come of it. And I think now, definitely, my kids are healthier and happier than they would have been if I had tried to stay in relationship. I don't think I would have survived much longer in that relationship. And the ways in which I've been able to fully step into who I am as a human being and to heal have been positive I think for everybody in my life. So what is it for you? Snakes, heights, spiders, airplanes, the ocean. phobias are about potential threats and our desire or ability to overcome them. The reality is though, that those things are not really what scares us. Our phobias are real, but they're rude. Did in much more central core issues. phobias are rooted in beliefs that we have about ourselves that are so deeply ingrained, we may not even realize they're there. And I want to give you an example, about a fear. And it was actually the first thing that I processed in EMDR. Somewhere around 2010 or so I started to develop a fear of heights. And I didn't really know what was coming from, I didn't have any kind of traumatic experiences around heights. But just sort of that, that creepy adrenaline feeling that starts to happen when you drive over a high bridge, if you've ever experienced that before, those feelings started to creep into things much more frequently for me, and I was really having a hard time with it. So when I started EMDR, my therapist wanted to start with something that was unrelated to my other trauma, something that was not complicated, but that we could just kind of test out and see if EMDR was going to work for me. And so I decided to start with the fear of heights. We set up the processing. And he asked me the question, he said, when you think about the fear of heights, what's the worst image that can go over? What's the image that comes to mind? And the image that came to my mind was being on the top of a tall building, and falling? And he said, what's the negative belief that you have about yourself? And I was like, I don't know. I guess I'm gonna die. And he said, Okay, what's the positive belief that you want to have about yourself? And I was like, Well, I don't really know how to answer that. Because the opposite of I'm going to die is I'm going to live, but I'm not in control of that. So I had a really hard time coming up with something. And I think I just kind of, I don't know, landed on something, I looked at the little cheat sheet card and figured something out. And we started the processing.

And the way EMDR works for me is that the traumatic memory or events or or feeling will come up, and then sort of this movie plays on fast forward in my head, and it sort of goes through the things that I'm feeling and the fears that I have. And and I start to sort of untangle those things, in separate fact, from fiction and reality and things like that. And periodically, my therapist would stop me and say, What do you notice now just to check in and make sure that it was working properly, and things were still moving forward? And two or three cycles in, he stopped me and he said, What do you notice now. And I was seeing the Twin Towers. And he said, Okay, let's just keep going. And the scene that was playing in my head was the airplane hitting the first tower. And then people jumping out of the windows after the second plane hit. And New York has always been a really special place. For me, I went up in the Twin Towers, on numerous occasions on field trips into the city, as a middle schooler, and high schooler and I remember being up in those towers and feeling the buildings sway with the wind, when it was really windy up there. And there were a couple of times when I went up there and the city was really foggy. And from those top floors in the observation area, you would look down and you would just see nothing but fog. So you couldn't see the ground or anything. And I used to actually think that was really beautiful. And there was even one time when I was flying into New York City. And there was a ton of cloud cover. And all you could see on the approach to New York City was the top of the two towers, and I took a picture out of the airplane window. And I wish I could find it, maybe someday I'll find it. But I thought it was one of the most beautiful things ever. I loved the Twin Towers. And so it felt really personal to me as well. Not that I lost a person that day, but I lost, you know, some really wonderful memories of times in the city, and those beautiful buildings. And so at one point, my therapist stopped me and he said, You know, I was having all these images of the Twin Towers. And he said, Did you lose somebody in 911? And I said, no, I lost the buildings. But obviously that wasn't you know, that wasn't what was causing my fear of heights are my trauma or anything like that. This is going to be really emotional for me. And I'm not going to I'm not going to pause the video, and I'm not going to skip over it. I'm not going to edit through it. Because I want to normalize the feeling and the expression of healthy emotions when they come up. I don't believe in repressing tears or emotions because when we recognize what we're feeling and we are acknowledge it, and show gratitude for it, we can release it faster. So what I'm feeling right now is grief. I'm feeling grief for what happened that day in New York City. All those precious lives that got lost there, and on the other flights at the Pentagon as well. And the grieving that we went through the mourning that we went through as a nation, how we were changed as a nation, and the ways in which will never be the same, not just as a country, but as a human population. And I'm feeling grief for some of the innocence that was lost that day, and how we used to be able to go to the airports and walk our loved ones up to the gate, and wave to them from the windows while they were sitting on the airplane and watch the airplane take off and go away. And how we used to go up to the gate to greet our loved ones when they came off in the airplane. And we can't do that anymore. There are a lot of things that we lost and change that day. And so the grief, of of change and of loss still comes up for me whenever I talk about this.

But I think the reason that these images started to come up during my EMDR session about the fear of heights, is because I recognized the terrible circumstance that so many people found themselves in that day. When the plane hit, there were people that were trapped above the impact zone. The people below had some chance to get out if they if they had the presence of mind to leave the building. But there were people above the the plains impact that there was no way that they could leave the building. And there was no way that they could survive. And some of them took their fate into their own hands that day, and jumped out of the windows rather than being burned alive. And some of those images really stuck with me. But again, that's not related to my own trauma. So why was this coming up for me in a fear of heights. As I went through the processing, I realized that it wasn't fear of heights. It wasn't fear of anything that was related to the traumatic events of September LeMans. It was the fear of not being in control. And I felt like those people who are trapped on those upper floors. Were in such a terrible circumstance. And I knew what it felt like to feel lost, and to feel like you don't have any options. And to feel like you only have the choice to survive or not survive. And feeling that hopelessness caused me to have a fear of not being in control. I kept thinking to myself, What if I get into a situation where I don't have another choice, but to end my life. And that was really hard for me. I wanted to live, I wanted to be around for my kids. And I was afraid that if I confronted all of the trauma that was happening, or that had happened when I was a child, that I would feel out of control, I wouldn't feel like I had a choice at that point. And so through processing and EMDR, I was able to confront that fear of feeling out of control.

So when we finished the processing, the negative belief was not I'm going to die. The negative belief was I don't feel like I'm in control in real life. And so then the positive belief that I wanted to instill in myself that day was I'm in control. I get to make the choices. I can decide. And no matter how difficult life gets, and no matter what I'm confronted with, I will be able to make the choice to survive. So, confronting our fears sometimes takes a lot of work to peel back the layers of what we're really afraid of. We're not really afraid of it. heights, were afraid of being out of control. So I would love it if you would take a minute and write down some of your fears, and then try to sort of peel back those layers. Are you really afraid of spiders? Or are you afraid of that feeling when you decide to catch the spider and crush it, and you can actually feel the spider, and how gross that feels, and how awful it feels to end despite her life, even though they shouldn't be living in your house, and they could be poisonous and hurt you and other people, right? So what is underneath the fear is jumping out of an airplane, going to help you feel better about not being in control is going bungee jumping, going to help you confront the real fear or the anxiety that is behind what you're experiencing. So I want to go back to the idea that many of our fears aren't actually feeling fears at all their anxieties. I listened to a podcast one day with Jordan Peterson, where he was talking about fear. And he said, you know, somebody points a gun at you, you're afraid you're afraid for your life, that's a real fear. But a lot of times when we say that we're afraid of something, our life is not in danger. It's not a threat to our personal safety is a threat to our emotional safety. It's an anxiety. So if we're focused on the past, or if we're perseverating, about something that might happen in the future. And we're worried about those things. Neither of those anxieties are about dressing addressing any issue. They're about worrying what might happen, what could happen, or thinking over and over again, about what already did happen, and how painful that was for us. So I want to explore the possibility that what you're afraid of isn't really a fear at all, but an anxiety. It's not something that is real, that you can touch and see and feel like a saber toothed Tiger. But it's an anxiety about the future. And certainly my fear. When I said that, if I wasn't afraid I would get a divorce and move in with my sister. None of the fears that I had were really about survival, the providing for my kids part, maybe a little bit. But that wasn't really realistic, because I had so many resources that I could call upon if things got really tough financially. And I knew that I had the capability of providing for my family because I was already doing it. It's just it was just a matter of maybe stepping up and doing more.

So all of the fears that I stated in that original, what would you do if you weren't afraid? We're not really fears, but they were anxieties. And they were about judgments and expectations of other people. They were anxieties worrying about the future that wasn't even there yet. So maybe our fears, confronting our fears and overcoming them is about stepping away from anxiety about the future and thinking right now in this present moment. Is there anything threatening me right now? And what are the things that I could do with my life? If I removed anxiety from my life? If I removed the perseverating about future problems or dwelling on past mistakes? I did X in the past. So if I try to do this again, it's probably going to happen again. What if it doesn't? I think we spend a lot of time thinking about what if? What if it doesn't? What if it can't? What if I don't? What if you do? What if you can? What if everything turns out wonderfully? What if you confront that fear or you make that change? And it turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to you? For me, it absolutely 100% was the best thing that ever happened to me. Confronting that fear helped me confront the next one, and the next one, and the next one. And that's why I say that asking myself the question of what would I do if I wasn't afraid, created a revolution in my life. And it was just by changing one small thing of confronting fear.

So, I want to challenge you today to confront a fear. Write some of those fears down. And if you're feeling really bold, confront the one that you're most scared of pick it apart, find out what's underneath it, find out what's behind it. Are you still thinking about an experience that happened a long time ago, you're afraid it's going to happen again. Or you focus too much on the future. And you're worried and anxious about what might happen. Take that fear. Write it down, pick it apart, find out, find out what's underneath it. And then ask yourself one more question. What if everything turns out wonderfully? What if I confront this fear, and it turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to me? I want to encourage you to create a revolution by changing that one small thing. Instead of thinking of it as a fear, think of it as a possibility. As always, if you found something useful here today, I would encourage you to please share this episode with everyone you love. Please do us a favor and subscribe to the podcast. And make sure that you hit the subscribe button so that you can get notifications when new episodes pop up. I'm looking forward to talking with you again soon. Be well