Life-Saving Conversations: Tom Efird on Suicide Prevention

WEBVTT

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Hello, beautiful humans.

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Welcome to the midlife revolution.

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I'm your host, Megan Conner.

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And today we're going to be

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talking about suicide prevention.

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I normally don't do trigger

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warnings because I believe

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that our triggers are there

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to teach us things about ourselves.

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But today I just want to

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mention that we have a

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little crawl on the bottom

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of the screen for the

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suicide crisis lifeline.

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And if any of you need it,

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please reach out for help.

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Today I am joined by the

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illustrious Tom Eford.

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Welcome.

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Hi.

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Thanks for joining me today.

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Thanks for having me.

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Would you like to tell the

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people about your

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credentials and where they can find you?

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I am actually a licensed

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clinical social worker and

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an EMDR certified therapist

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and approved consultant.

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And I live in Texas.

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I'm going to add to that

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because that's a very boring description.

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I think Tom is a,

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is an excellent EMDR

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clinician

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He's a person who does not

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suffer fools and proudly.

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Yeah,

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I come from a I come from a place where,

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you know,

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I'm not going to suffer foolishness.

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And that's not I don't think

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I think that's a skill set.

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I think I think it builds resiliency.

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And I think it's a great I

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think it's a great asset to where,

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you know,

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we're just not I'm just not

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going to play play with

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fools because that's just a

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waste of my time.

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Just, I think, yeah,

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that was a rather boring

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description of what I do.

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I've been in the field for 25 years.

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I started in North Carolina

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where I'm originally from.

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Got licensed in North

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Carolina and joined the

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service at some point in 2012.

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Served for five and a half

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years and then ended up in Texas.

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So I've spent the majority of, I mean,

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I've spent my career,

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I'd say since I learned how

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to do EMDR in 2007,

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I've spent the last 17 years,

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18 years treating trauma.

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I originally was a case manager in a small,

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small,

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small rural community where it was

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probably the best training

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I've ever had anywhere,

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because you see everything.

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But once I got licensed and

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learned how to do EMDR,

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I just that's just become my wheelhouse.

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Yeah.

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So I always tell people on

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my channel that I am not

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any kind of a mental health professional.

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I am just an expert in my own trauma.

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And you actually are an expert in trauma.

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I try to be.

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Yes.

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So I'm going to go back and

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talk a little bit about

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some of my story and my

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background for those people

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who may be new to the

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channel or don't know

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anything about my story.

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I survived sex trafficking as a child,

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and I grew up in a very

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toxic family of origin.

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that sort of felt familiar to me.

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And so I naturally was

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attracted to those same

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kinds of chaotic situations

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as I got older and ended up

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in some bad relationships.

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And finally got to the point

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where I had to address the

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fact that my growing up was traumatic.

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I had dissociated from it

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for such a long time.

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And I had an experience

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where I had to wake up from

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that dissociative state and

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start confronting all of this trauma.

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And I was in a really dark

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place for a couple of years.

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I love Christmas time.

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I have six children.

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Christmas is my very

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favorite time of the year.

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And in the Christmas of 2016,

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I didn't take a single picture,

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nothing of my kids Christmas Eve,

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nothing waking up Christmas morning,

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no presents or anything.

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So that tells you a little

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bit about what a dark place

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I was in at the time.

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And in January,

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I decided to go on a girl's

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trip to visit a friend who

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lived in San Francisco.

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And my phone must have been

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listening to me and knew I

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was visiting there because

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I kept getting these news

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stories and pop-ups about

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things to do in San Francisco.

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And one day a news article

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popped up about a man who

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had jumped from the Golden

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Gate Bridge and lived.

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And he talked about the fact that,

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first of all,

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that's rare for that to happen.

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And secondly,

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there's actually a group of

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survivors that meet with

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each other and they know

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each other and support each other.

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And he said one of the

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things that all of those

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survivors have in common is

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that the second they jumped,

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they immediately regretted it.

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And after I read that article,

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I made a decision that I

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was going to live.

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I wanted to live.

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And despite the dark

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thoughts that I had and the

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dark place that I was in,

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I decided that I didn't

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want those thoughts to take

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over and I didn't want to

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leave my kids without their mother.

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And so I came up with a plan to

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get help for when i was in

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those really dark spaces

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and i wrote a book about

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all of my healing

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experiences it's called i

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walked through fire to get

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here and in the book i talk

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about my plan and i had a

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group of friends and i

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referred to them as the

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suicide squad and these are

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the rules of the plan

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Number one, when I'm in crisis,

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I will send a text message

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to the group with just a

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number on a scale of one to

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10 with one being suicidal

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and 10 being euphorically happy.

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I was never a 10.

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I had never been a 10 at the

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time I lived my life in the

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three to five range.

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Three was barely able to get

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out of bed and pretend like

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everything was okay.

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So I could pretend to work

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and pretend to be there for my kids.

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It usually took several hits

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to knock me down to a two

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triggers trauma or more abuse.

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This was before I had good, reliable,

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unbreakable boundaries,

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so I was getting hit often.

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Once I was at a two, the assessment became,

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am I about to spiral down

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farther or will I be stable

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enough to do some self-care

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or get in to see my therapist?

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If the answer was a spiral,

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it was time for a text to the squad.

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rule number two.

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When I'm in crisis,

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I'm not allowed to decline

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any offers of help.

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My usual behavior in crisis

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was to shut down,

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put the walls up and lock myself away.

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I didn't want to tell anyone

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how I was feeling.

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I didn't want to reach out.

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I didn't want to accept

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phone calls or answer texts

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or admit that I needed help

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or allow people to help me.

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The abuse and neglect I

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suffered taught me not to trust anyone,

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not to rely on anyone,

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not to ask for anything from anyone ever.

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The only person I could

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really trust was me.

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And even I wasn't very

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trustworthy most of the time.

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Rule number three,

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the squad's job is to check in.

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I was only required to

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respond if my one to 10 number changed.

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They were to offer encouragement,

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we're here for you, you're not alone,

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reminders like drink water, eat something,

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practice self-care,

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and help me keep track of

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medications and dosages.

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Rule number four.

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If the episode lasted more

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than a couple of doses of meds,

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they had my permission to

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contact my psychiatrist.

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They all had his number and

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he had a list of the names

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and numbers of everyone in the squad.

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And if necessary,

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they had permission to call 911.

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rule number five someone in

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the squad would make

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face-to-face contact within

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a few hours and report back

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to the rest of the squad

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what the situation looked

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like in person the most

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important thing about this

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plan is that all these

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rules and plans were made

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when i was not in crisis

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with the help of my friends

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and therapists i made a

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list of self-care items i

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could and would practice i

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made a list of things that

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would be encouraging to

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hear and what i did not

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want to hear the last thing

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in the world i wanted was

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for people to rush to my

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side offer to bring me

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cookies or a casserole

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or sit there and bite their

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nails with a worried

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expression and ask trite questions like,

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how are you really?

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This plan,

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this squad was put into place to

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make sure that never happened.

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When all was said and done,

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I only needed the squad

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three times over the course of a year,

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and we never got to the

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point where 911 was needed.

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Just knowing that I had a

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plan in place kept me from

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going down the spiral at

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least eight more times.

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I found a way to end the

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pain without ending my life.

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So Tom,

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I brought you here today to get a

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clinician's perspective and

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to hopefully assist some

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people out there who either

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are dealing with suicidal

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feelings themselves or who

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have a friend or a loved

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one who are going through this as well.

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So what advice do you have

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about people putting a plan

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in place similar to that?

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I think any plan to prevent

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suicide is a good plan.

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Any plan is a good plan to prevent it.

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And we'll be clear about that.

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To prevent suicide,

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any plan is a good plan.

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Suicide is not part of our

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natural instincts.

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Our natural instinct is to live.

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And you said that so eloquently,

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survivors of suicide have

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said they jumped and

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immediately regretted it.

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so I think that any plan to prevent it

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is a good plan.

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Uh,

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and I think the other thing to remember

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for that,

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I think that gets overlooked is

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that our brains are hardwired to heal.

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The brain is always trying

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to return to a state of

00:09:40.122 --> 00:09:41.663

natural balance and healing.

00:09:41.683 --> 00:09:41.723

Um,

00:09:42.519 --> 00:09:44.201

now going through things like you went

00:09:44.221 --> 00:09:44.941

through as a kid is

00:09:45.221 --> 00:09:46.562

certainly going to leave a mark.

00:09:47.703 --> 00:09:47.886

Yeah.

00:09:48.208 --> 00:09:51.029

But if we give ourselves the

00:09:51.049 --> 00:09:52.370

time and the space to heal,

00:09:52.410 --> 00:09:53.090

we're gonna heal.

00:09:54.931 --> 00:09:55.732

Yeah, I think for me,

00:09:55.772 --> 00:09:56.692

that was the hard part

00:09:56.712 --> 00:09:59.353

because having confronted

00:09:59.413 --> 00:10:01.334

all of the reality of all my trauma,

00:10:02.795 --> 00:10:04.316

at the time that that came out,

00:10:04.536 --> 00:10:05.657

I felt like I was never

00:10:05.697 --> 00:10:06.617

gonna feel differently.

00:10:07.397 --> 00:10:08.098

I felt like it was

00:10:08.158 --> 00:10:10.959

impossible to confront all

00:10:10.979 --> 00:10:12.000

of those different kinds of

00:10:12.080 --> 00:10:13.480

abuse and come out on the

00:10:13.500 --> 00:10:14.481

other side and be happy.

00:10:16.232 --> 00:10:18.393

Well, if we look at it this way,

00:10:19.373 --> 00:10:22.034

you're 15 years old and you

00:10:22.074 --> 00:10:24.774

have your first boyfriend

00:10:24.814 --> 00:10:26.655

or girlfriend breaks your heart.

00:10:27.235 --> 00:10:28.255

You feel like you want to

00:10:28.295 --> 00:10:29.736

die because that's your

00:10:29.796 --> 00:10:31.896

first real heartbreak.

00:10:33.076 --> 00:10:36.127

And then, you know, time goes on 10, 20,

00:10:36.127 --> 00:10:37.618

30, 40 years later.

00:10:37.638 --> 00:10:39.098

Now you just got a funny story.

00:10:40.430 --> 00:10:43.052

Because in the immediate aftermath of that,

00:10:43.092 --> 00:10:44.592

you don't sleep good for a few days.

00:10:44.653 --> 00:10:45.853

You might have some weird dreams,

00:10:45.893 --> 00:10:47.154

you don't eat good.

00:10:47.694 --> 00:10:48.995

But eventually what happens

00:10:49.015 --> 00:10:50.056

is the brain takes that

00:10:50.856 --> 00:10:53.238

event and it puts it in its

00:10:53.278 --> 00:10:54.278

proper context.

00:10:54.338 --> 00:10:55.919

Like you just got your heart broke.

00:10:55.959 --> 00:10:57.360

You're not going to die over this.

00:10:57.380 --> 00:10:58.261

Yeah.

00:10:58.321 --> 00:10:59.741

And you're going to move on.

00:11:01.002 --> 00:11:03.524

Something like chronic

00:11:03.624 --> 00:11:05.545

sexual abuse or exposure to

00:11:05.585 --> 00:11:08.927

violence in childhood

00:11:10.641 --> 00:11:13.664

that leaves a mark that

00:11:13.724 --> 00:11:15.905

determines really what ends

00:11:15.986 --> 00:11:17.827

up happening is you end up

00:11:17.867 --> 00:11:18.628

in these patterns of

00:11:18.668 --> 00:11:22.991

behavior until really you

00:11:23.011 --> 00:11:24.292

get the help that you need.

00:11:25.433 --> 00:11:27.015

And that help can come, you know,

00:11:27.075 --> 00:11:28.256

sometimes it takes a while

00:11:28.296 --> 00:11:30.537

to find the right help because we just,

00:11:30.577 --> 00:11:31.498

you know, if you don't know,

00:11:31.538 --> 00:11:32.179

you don't know.

00:11:32.698 --> 00:11:33.679

And hindsight is always 20, 20.

00:11:37.557 --> 00:11:38.878

But when you find that help

00:11:38.938 --> 00:11:39.758

and you do the work,

00:11:40.019 --> 00:11:42.120

things do get different, different.

00:11:42.660 --> 00:11:44.221

And I think the important

00:11:44.241 --> 00:11:45.402

thing to remember is that once,

00:11:45.762 --> 00:11:47.403

once you kind of recover from something,

00:11:48.024 --> 00:11:49.304

then it becomes the lesson

00:11:50.305 --> 00:11:51.546

and you get the experience

00:11:51.606 --> 00:11:52.386

and the wisdom.

00:11:52.446 --> 00:11:54.848

So when some, if somebody, you know,

00:11:54.888 --> 00:11:55.528

if you get out of,

00:11:55.748 --> 00:11:57.069

if you were raised in a

00:11:57.109 --> 00:11:59.230

violent home and you get

00:11:59.270 --> 00:12:00.511

into violent relationships

00:12:01.072 --> 00:12:02.212

and then you realize this

00:12:02.292 --> 00:12:04.894

isn't good for me and you end up,

00:12:05.378 --> 00:12:06.739

going to therapy or getting

00:12:06.759 --> 00:12:07.680

the help that you need.

00:12:09.341 --> 00:12:10.321

And then you start dating

00:12:10.401 --> 00:12:12.102

again and you start seeing

00:12:12.142 --> 00:12:13.043

those red flags.

00:12:13.623 --> 00:12:15.284

Those red flags are not the circus.

00:12:15.304 --> 00:12:16.745

That's not the entry you want.

00:12:16.966 --> 00:12:17.466

You're going to look at

00:12:17.506 --> 00:12:18.667

those red flags and go,

00:12:20.208 --> 00:12:22.189

I've been down this road before.

00:12:22.349 --> 00:12:23.930

I know how this ends.

00:12:24.290 --> 00:12:25.391

That's a hard pass.

00:12:26.812 --> 00:12:27.973

Then you end up having

00:12:28.033 --> 00:12:29.153

better relationships

00:12:29.233 --> 00:12:30.955

because you're not running

00:12:30.975 --> 00:12:32.956

towards the circus with the red flags.

00:12:33.344 --> 00:12:33.965

Yeah, of course.

00:12:34.025 --> 00:12:34.245

Yeah.

00:12:34.325 --> 00:12:35.465

And I did get to the point

00:12:35.485 --> 00:12:37.306

where I became allergic to

00:12:37.386 --> 00:12:39.426

disrespect and I became

00:12:39.446 --> 00:12:42.047

allergic to volatile temperaments.

00:12:42.427 --> 00:12:43.487

And, you know,

00:12:43.547 --> 00:12:45.028

I just have zero tolerance

00:12:45.048 --> 00:12:46.168

for any of those things now.

00:12:46.248 --> 00:12:48.089

And it's it's easy to see

00:12:48.189 --> 00:12:50.029

how that evolution happened for me.

00:12:50.849 --> 00:12:51.670

And, you know,

00:12:51.730 --> 00:12:52.990

now being on the other side of it,

00:12:53.010 --> 00:12:54.791

I just think that so many people,

00:12:55.411 --> 00:12:55.611

you know,

00:12:55.651 --> 00:12:57.171

we all have some kind of a

00:12:57.291 --> 00:12:58.912

trauma that we are that we

00:12:58.952 --> 00:12:59.692

need to work through.

00:13:00.151 --> 00:13:02.213

Some of it can be helped with talk therapy,

00:13:02.233 --> 00:13:03.333

which is where I started.

00:13:04.274 --> 00:13:07.496

Some of it needs more intense help,

00:13:07.917 --> 00:13:09.738

different kinds of healing modalities.

00:13:10.458 --> 00:13:11.599

But I think when people

00:13:12.860 --> 00:13:13.781

think about the idea of

00:13:13.821 --> 00:13:14.841

going to therapy and

00:13:14.901 --> 00:13:15.902

confronting their deep,

00:13:15.942 --> 00:13:17.483

dark secrets and their demons,

00:13:18.324 --> 00:13:19.885

it feels overwhelming and

00:13:19.905 --> 00:13:20.766

you don't want to do it.

00:13:20.966 --> 00:13:22.367

And that's why most people don't.

00:13:24.328 --> 00:13:24.917

Well,

00:13:25.850 --> 00:13:27.191

When you ask for help,

00:13:28.732 --> 00:13:30.613

if you have somebody who

00:13:31.613 --> 00:13:32.714

you're worried about,

00:13:33.994 --> 00:13:35.295

and I'll start there.

00:13:35.475 --> 00:13:36.475

If you have somebody that

00:13:36.495 --> 00:13:37.336

you're worried about,

00:13:37.896 --> 00:13:39.857

I'm a fan of asking direct questions.

00:13:40.577 --> 00:13:43.199

I think most of my patients

00:13:43.479 --> 00:13:47.201

will tell you that I don't mess around.

00:13:47.261 --> 00:13:48.661

I'm going to ask the direct question.

00:13:48.741 --> 00:13:50.522

Are you thinking about killing yourself?

00:13:51.963 --> 00:13:52.163

Yeah.

00:13:52.964 --> 00:13:54.024

And if they say yes,

00:13:54.104 --> 00:13:54.705

I'm going to ask some

00:13:54.745 --> 00:13:56.106

follow-up questions because

00:13:56.306 --> 00:13:58.887

if you ask the question and

00:13:58.907 --> 00:14:00.008

you're not a clinician,

00:14:00.028 --> 00:14:01.849

because me asking that question,

00:14:02.009 --> 00:14:02.990

somebody says, yes, well,

00:14:03.010 --> 00:14:04.571

it's nine o'clock on a Tuesday.

00:14:04.591 --> 00:14:06.372

You know,

00:14:06.412 --> 00:14:07.452

that's not something that's

00:14:07.572 --> 00:14:08.573

necessarily going to keep

00:14:08.613 --> 00:14:09.414

me awake at night.

00:14:09.934 --> 00:14:11.475

If they have plan and if

00:14:11.495 --> 00:14:13.296

they have the plan and the intent to die,

00:14:13.356 --> 00:14:14.437

that will keep me awake and

00:14:14.457 --> 00:14:15.337

I'm going to do what I need

00:14:15.357 --> 00:14:16.718

to do to make sure that they're safe.

00:14:18.379 --> 00:14:21.321

But if, if I wasn't a clinician, um,

00:14:23.188 --> 00:14:24.149

Am I asked the question?

00:14:24.389 --> 00:14:25.110

And then I have to be

00:14:25.170 --> 00:14:26.270

prepared for the answer.

00:14:26.491 --> 00:14:27.892

What happens if they say yes?

00:14:29.853 --> 00:14:31.234

Well, I think the next thing,

00:14:31.254 --> 00:14:32.835

because we're talking about

00:14:32.855 --> 00:14:33.676

your loved ones and

00:14:33.696 --> 00:14:35.578

everybody's got different

00:14:35.958 --> 00:14:37.479

ways of handling these things.

00:14:38.880 --> 00:14:40.021

But I think the most humane

00:14:40.041 --> 00:14:42.103

thing to do is ask the question, well,

00:14:42.363 --> 00:14:43.864

what can I do to help you

00:14:44.304 --> 00:14:45.625

so you don't feel this way?

00:14:46.846 --> 00:14:48.447

And if they say, well, I don't know,

00:14:48.467 --> 00:14:48.548

well...

00:14:53.069 --> 00:14:54.630

That's when you do the follow up thing.

00:14:54.670 --> 00:14:55.891

Can we get you some help?

00:14:56.591 --> 00:14:56.831

Yeah.

00:14:57.792 --> 00:14:59.233

Yeah, thank you for addressing that.

00:15:00.413 --> 00:15:01.514

I think a lot of people are

00:15:01.554 --> 00:15:02.635

afraid to ask the direct

00:15:02.675 --> 00:15:03.655

question because there's

00:15:03.695 --> 00:15:04.916

sort of this myth out there

00:15:04.976 --> 00:15:06.777

that if you ask someone if

00:15:06.797 --> 00:15:07.537

they're suicidal,

00:15:07.557 --> 00:15:08.538

you're going to make them worse.

00:15:09.939 --> 00:15:11.580

No, because if that was the case,

00:15:11.640 --> 00:15:12.680

as much as I talk about

00:15:12.741 --> 00:15:13.641

wanting a new guitar,

00:15:13.661 --> 00:15:15.042

nobody's bought me a new guitar.

00:15:16.786 --> 00:15:17.106

You know,

00:15:17.126 --> 00:15:19.568

that's like listening to blues

00:15:19.608 --> 00:15:21.089

music is going to, you know,

00:15:21.109 --> 00:15:22.030

you're selling your soul to

00:15:22.050 --> 00:15:23.311

the devil if you listen to

00:15:23.351 --> 00:15:24.652

blues or rock music.

00:15:25.453 --> 00:15:26.033

That's a myth.

00:15:26.113 --> 00:15:27.654

It's not going to make anybody worse.

00:15:28.215 --> 00:15:29.235

It's actually going to shine

00:15:29.255 --> 00:15:32.478

a light on that shadow.

00:15:33.479 --> 00:15:34.600

And, you know,

00:15:34.620 --> 00:15:36.241

if they say they don't know and they say,

00:15:36.281 --> 00:15:40.184

well, can we get you some help?

00:15:43.166 --> 00:15:45.428

You know, then what do you do?

00:15:46.724 --> 00:15:49.165

Well, if you have commercial insurance,

00:15:49.205 --> 00:15:52.667

Blue Cross Blue Shield, Aetna, Humana,

00:15:53.007 --> 00:15:56.349

United, most of these insurance companies,

00:15:56.909 --> 00:15:57.609

and I know that people

00:15:57.649 --> 00:15:59.070

complain about insurance companies.

00:15:59.750 --> 00:16:00.691

I don't like to complain

00:16:00.731 --> 00:16:02.071

about the people that pay me.

00:16:02.091 --> 00:16:05.073

I think that's out of bounds.

00:16:05.633 --> 00:16:07.014

You know, nothing's perfect.

00:16:07.954 --> 00:16:09.715

But one of those insurance companies,

00:16:09.775 --> 00:16:10.375

the things that an

00:16:10.455 --> 00:16:11.476

insurance company will do

00:16:11.536 --> 00:16:13.156

is when you call that 1-800

00:16:13.216 --> 00:16:14.197

number and say, hey,

00:16:15.404 --> 00:16:16.045

My kid,

00:16:16.285 --> 00:16:18.607

my loved one is having suicidal thoughts.

00:16:18.707 --> 00:16:20.829

This is their insurance policy, blah, blah,

00:16:20.849 --> 00:16:21.229

blah.

00:16:22.410 --> 00:16:23.591

I need to get some help.

00:16:25.272 --> 00:16:26.173

Typically what that

00:16:26.253 --> 00:16:27.434

insurance company will do,

00:16:27.514 --> 00:16:28.775

and I'm going to knock on wood,

00:16:29.476 --> 00:16:30.617

is that they're going to say, well,

00:16:30.637 --> 00:16:32.338

let us help you find somebody.

00:16:33.960 --> 00:16:35.441

And some insurances will

00:16:35.581 --> 00:16:37.022

actually help you make

00:16:37.162 --> 00:16:40.465

phone calls to providers

00:16:40.525 --> 00:16:41.626

who are in network.

00:16:43.305 --> 00:16:44.887

I know that people worry

00:16:44.947 --> 00:16:47.828

about their insurance

00:16:47.869 --> 00:16:48.949

companies knowing about

00:16:48.969 --> 00:16:50.810

their mental health.

00:16:50.931 --> 00:16:51.931

It's no different than going

00:16:51.971 --> 00:16:52.892

to a doctor and being

00:16:52.932 --> 00:16:54.593

diagnosed with diabetes or

00:16:54.653 --> 00:16:55.394

heart condition.

00:16:56.094 --> 00:16:57.455

Insurance companies are going to know.

00:16:57.835 --> 00:16:58.936

And one of the things that

00:16:58.976 --> 00:17:00.357

has happened over the last

00:17:01.858 --> 00:17:04.259

dozen years is that when

00:17:04.299 --> 00:17:06.241

the Affordable Care Act was passed,

00:17:08.325 --> 00:17:09.305

I can't remember the year,

00:17:09.385 --> 00:17:11.526

but when the ACA was passed,

00:17:13.067 --> 00:17:14.208

they eliminated

00:17:14.288 --> 00:17:16.969

pre-existing conditions and

00:17:16.989 --> 00:17:18.189

they made mental health and

00:17:18.249 --> 00:17:19.130

substance abuse,

00:17:19.870 --> 00:17:21.511

they gave it parity with

00:17:21.591 --> 00:17:22.531

medical conditions.

00:17:22.591 --> 00:17:23.452

So you don't have to,

00:17:23.532 --> 00:17:24.372

typically you don't have to

00:17:24.412 --> 00:17:26.073

pay any more than what you

00:17:26.093 --> 00:17:27.193

would pay your provider for

00:17:27.233 --> 00:17:28.234

a doctor's visit.

00:17:30.075 --> 00:17:31.455

But calling your insurance

00:17:31.535 --> 00:17:33.796

company and using your

00:17:33.876 --> 00:17:35.097

in-network benefits,

00:17:36.246 --> 00:17:37.586

and finding a provider that

00:17:37.666 --> 00:17:40.667

way is a great resource.

00:17:40.747 --> 00:17:42.328

The other thing is check

00:17:42.348 --> 00:17:45.129

with your employer because employers have,

00:17:45.629 --> 00:17:47.350

especially if it's a big company,

00:17:48.870 --> 00:17:50.591

employee assistance programs.

00:17:51.331 --> 00:17:52.571

Sometimes they have mental

00:17:52.611 --> 00:17:54.392

health benefits that are

00:17:54.452 --> 00:17:55.993

extended to family members.

00:17:56.673 --> 00:17:58.333

And those things are usually free.

00:17:58.353 --> 00:18:01.154

And I'm a big fan of free.

00:18:01.374 --> 00:18:03.315

I like free.

00:18:04.265 --> 00:18:05.806

So, you know,

00:18:06.286 --> 00:18:07.667

and you get a certain amount

00:18:07.707 --> 00:18:08.827

of sessions for free.

00:18:10.448 --> 00:18:11.609

Can you talk a little bit

00:18:11.709 --> 00:18:14.010

about confidentiality and

00:18:14.250 --> 00:18:15.230

sort of the myth that if

00:18:15.270 --> 00:18:17.852

you call the suicide crisis line,

00:18:17.892 --> 00:18:19.452

if you call 988,

00:18:19.452 --> 00:18:20.153

that they're going to send

00:18:20.173 --> 00:18:22.614

police to your door or, you know,

00:18:22.674 --> 00:18:23.294

something like that.

00:18:23.334 --> 00:18:24.415

I've had a lot of people ask

00:18:24.475 --> 00:18:25.295

questions about that.

00:18:27.776 --> 00:18:28.897

I will always and forever

00:18:28.957 --> 00:18:29.857

reserve my right to be

00:18:29.877 --> 00:18:30.678

wrong about things.

00:18:32.762 --> 00:18:33.582

I'm a married man.

00:18:33.602 --> 00:18:35.443

I can either be right or I can be happy.

00:18:35.603 --> 00:18:36.523

I don't get to be both.

00:18:40.305 --> 00:18:41.925

My understanding and things

00:18:41.945 --> 00:18:43.666

that I've read about 988 is

00:18:43.706 --> 00:18:45.226

that that rarely happens.

00:18:46.427 --> 00:18:47.527

If somebody is that

00:18:47.567 --> 00:18:49.628

concerned that you've got

00:18:49.668 --> 00:18:51.529

the plan and the intent to die,

00:18:52.169 --> 00:18:53.769

somebody should call 911

00:18:53.769 --> 00:18:55.010

and have them do a safety check.

00:18:56.656 --> 00:18:59.017

I would rather that happen

00:18:59.297 --> 00:19:02.537

and have somebody be angry that, well,

00:19:02.557 --> 00:19:03.938

they called the police on me.

00:19:04.698 --> 00:19:06.238

Well, were you suicidal?

00:19:06.278 --> 00:19:06.518

Yeah.

00:19:06.719 --> 00:19:07.539

Did you have a plan?

00:19:07.599 --> 00:19:07.739

Yeah.

00:19:07.759 --> 00:19:08.479

Did you have intent?

00:19:08.519 --> 00:19:08.679

Yeah.

00:19:08.719 --> 00:19:09.779

Well, they did the right thing.

00:19:09.799 --> 00:19:11.280

I would rather have you

00:19:11.320 --> 00:19:13.440

alive and angry than dead

00:19:13.540 --> 00:19:16.021

and having to do that work

00:19:16.381 --> 00:19:17.681

with grieving parents or a

00:19:17.741 --> 00:19:19.222

grieving spouse or kids.

00:19:21.567 --> 00:19:21.807

You know,

00:19:21.827 --> 00:19:24.248

just because you call 988 doesn't

00:19:24.288 --> 00:19:25.269

mean that, you know,

00:19:25.289 --> 00:19:25.969

the police are going to

00:19:26.049 --> 00:19:27.230

automatically show up.

00:19:27.270 --> 00:19:28.030

They're going to walk you

00:19:28.050 --> 00:19:28.491

through it and they're

00:19:28.511 --> 00:19:30.292

going to give you resources to help you.

00:19:32.072 --> 00:19:33.253

So I want to talk a little

00:19:33.293 --> 00:19:34.634

bit about what you said

00:19:34.934 --> 00:19:36.355

about plan and intent,

00:19:36.395 --> 00:19:36.935

because there's a

00:19:36.995 --> 00:19:38.836

difference between suicidal

00:19:38.876 --> 00:19:41.717

ideation and then having plan and intent.

00:19:41.757 --> 00:19:43.358

So can you explain to us

00:19:43.478 --> 00:19:44.579

what those differences are?

00:19:45.519 --> 00:19:46.760

Well, you know,

00:19:46.800 --> 00:19:48.821

going to bed at night and

00:19:48.861 --> 00:19:49.862

praying that you don't wake

00:19:49.942 --> 00:19:50.642

up in the mornings,

00:19:51.468 --> 00:19:52.388

And then you wake up and

00:19:52.408 --> 00:19:53.228

you're disappointed.

00:19:53.248 --> 00:19:55.429

Then you roll out of bed and

00:19:55.949 --> 00:19:56.990

you go on about your day.

00:19:58.310 --> 00:19:59.750

That's depression and hopelessness.

00:20:03.291 --> 00:20:04.091

You can work with that.

00:20:04.772 --> 00:20:04.952

Yeah.

00:20:05.832 --> 00:20:08.153

Having brief fleeting suicidal ideation.

00:20:08.193 --> 00:20:10.373

Well, sometimes I think about this thing.

00:20:10.393 --> 00:20:11.874

Okay.

00:20:12.194 --> 00:20:13.094

Are you going to?

00:20:13.974 --> 00:20:14.334

No.

00:20:14.654 --> 00:20:15.114

Why not?

00:20:15.194 --> 00:20:16.215

Well, I've got kids.

00:20:16.255 --> 00:20:18.115

Well, I've got this thing to live for.

00:20:18.495 --> 00:20:18.815

Okay.

00:20:19.035 --> 00:20:20.596

I want you to keep living for that thing.

00:20:21.755 --> 00:20:24.097

You know, if it gets any worse than that,

00:20:24.537 --> 00:20:25.157

let me know.

00:20:25.337 --> 00:20:25.838

We'll talk.

00:20:28.219 --> 00:20:31.322

But having a plan is when you're preparing,

00:20:31.342 --> 00:20:32.602

you're giving things away,

00:20:32.803 --> 00:20:35.444

you're practicing what it's

00:20:35.464 --> 00:20:37.646

going to be like to do the

00:20:37.926 --> 00:20:40.768

act that you're how you're

00:20:40.788 --> 00:20:41.609

going to end your life.

00:20:42.829 --> 00:20:45.311

And the intent to die is when you are like,

00:20:45.571 --> 00:20:45.811

well,

00:20:45.932 --> 00:20:48.854

today's the day this is happening

00:20:49.114 --> 00:20:50.695

and it's going to happen at this time.

00:20:52.970 --> 00:20:53.250

Yeah,

00:20:53.290 --> 00:20:56.291

so those are some good warning signs

00:20:56.411 --> 00:20:58.292

for those of us who have

00:20:58.372 --> 00:20:59.872

loved ones who have

00:20:59.932 --> 00:21:00.973

struggled with depression.

00:21:01.713 --> 00:21:04.054

If your loved one starts

00:21:04.114 --> 00:21:05.634

giving away meaningful things,

00:21:05.734 --> 00:21:06.915

or if they start writing

00:21:08.015 --> 00:21:09.435

letters that sound like

00:21:09.455 --> 00:21:10.376

their goodbye letters,

00:21:10.536 --> 00:21:13.937

or if they start talking

00:21:14.217 --> 00:21:16.057

more and more about not being around,

00:21:16.978 --> 00:21:18.218

those are the times to

00:21:18.438 --> 00:21:20.539

intervene and start asking the questions.

00:21:21.380 --> 00:21:21.560

Yeah,

00:21:21.620 --> 00:21:23.382

and this is the other thing that I get,

00:21:23.602 --> 00:21:24.402

because you were talking

00:21:24.422 --> 00:21:25.823

about confidentiality.

00:21:26.544 --> 00:21:29.146

And it's, you know,

00:21:29.246 --> 00:21:30.727

confidentiality laws are

00:21:30.767 --> 00:21:32.148

confidentiality laws.

00:21:33.670 --> 00:21:35.231

There's a reason why we have HIPAA.

00:21:36.492 --> 00:21:37.553

It's a federal law that

00:21:37.573 --> 00:21:38.814

protects people's privacy

00:21:38.874 --> 00:21:40.095

and confidentiality when it

00:21:40.115 --> 00:21:41.115

comes to the healthcare.

00:21:43.290 --> 00:21:44.911

If I get referred a patient,

00:21:45.916 --> 00:21:46.997

And they want me to talk to

00:21:47.037 --> 00:21:49.178

their loved ones, their spouse, their mom,

00:21:49.198 --> 00:21:50.178

their dad or whoever.

00:21:50.761 --> 00:21:51.802

They have to sign a release

00:21:51.842 --> 00:21:53.042

of information and we have

00:21:53.062 --> 00:21:54.483

to discuss what information

00:21:54.563 --> 00:21:56.644

I can talk to their loved ones about.

00:21:57.885 --> 00:21:59.886

And I've done this where, you know,

00:22:00.126 --> 00:22:01.287

somebody I used to work

00:22:01.327 --> 00:22:03.348

emergency services early in my career.

00:22:04.294 --> 00:22:05.194

and somebody is bringing

00:22:05.214 --> 00:22:06.214

their loved one in,

00:22:06.814 --> 00:22:08.915

and you really have to convince,

00:22:09.775 --> 00:22:10.815

and it's really just a lot

00:22:10.855 --> 00:22:12.935

of convincing the person,

00:22:13.496 --> 00:22:14.276

sign the release of

00:22:14.336 --> 00:22:15.696

information so we can bring

00:22:15.716 --> 00:22:16.616

your parent in,

00:22:16.656 --> 00:22:17.996

we can bring your loved one in,

00:22:18.016 --> 00:22:19.977

because you're getting them

00:22:20.017 --> 00:22:22.377

to buy into the process,

00:22:22.477 --> 00:22:23.797

buy into getting help,

00:22:24.517 --> 00:22:25.418

because it makes them feel

00:22:25.438 --> 00:22:27.218

like they have some locus of control.

00:22:29.978 --> 00:22:30.799

Even when I was in the

00:22:30.839 --> 00:22:32.079

military and we'd have to

00:22:32.139 --> 00:22:33.399

hospitalize somebody,

00:22:35.331 --> 00:22:37.053

there's rare occasions where

00:22:37.093 --> 00:22:39.535

it's involuntary because I

00:22:39.575 --> 00:22:41.676

want them to buy into this process that,

00:22:41.736 --> 00:22:43.518

you know what, it's bad right now.

00:22:44.639 --> 00:22:45.620

It's going to get different.

00:22:45.640 --> 00:22:46.740

We're going to get you through this.

00:22:47.861 --> 00:22:49.483

But the confidentiality laws

00:22:49.543 --> 00:22:51.404

means that as long as you

00:22:51.424 --> 00:22:52.205

sign that release of

00:22:52.265 --> 00:22:54.406

information as a clinician, I can talk,

00:22:55.007 --> 00:22:55.687

I can talk to you.

00:22:56.248 --> 00:22:57.469

If they say, no,

00:22:58.670 --> 00:23:00.111

my hands are effectively tied.

00:23:00.131 --> 00:23:01.212

There's nothing I can do.

00:23:02.920 --> 00:23:03.260

You know,

00:23:03.480 --> 00:23:05.262

if they're telling me that they

00:23:05.522 --> 00:23:06.383

if they're suicidal,

00:23:06.423 --> 00:23:07.324

they have the implant and

00:23:07.344 --> 00:23:08.024

the intent to die.

00:23:08.164 --> 00:23:10.727

I can call 911 and have 911

00:23:10.727 --> 00:23:12.288

have the police do a safety check.

00:23:14.910 --> 00:23:15.951

And that's what I can do.

00:23:18.153 --> 00:23:18.393

You know,

00:23:18.413 --> 00:23:19.474

there have been a few times since

00:23:19.514 --> 00:23:20.735

I've been out of the Air Force that.

00:23:22.226 --> 00:23:23.267

I've missed having the

00:23:23.327 --> 00:23:24.647

ability to hospitalize

00:23:24.667 --> 00:23:26.889

people that I think needed

00:23:26.929 --> 00:23:28.830

to go because they just

00:23:28.890 --> 00:23:30.791

weren't buying in and I had

00:23:30.831 --> 00:23:32.572

to escalate it to a, to a higher level.

00:23:33.833 --> 00:23:34.033

Yeah.

00:23:34.553 --> 00:23:34.833

Yeah.

00:23:36.234 --> 00:23:38.055

And, but the important thing is,

00:23:38.235 --> 00:23:42.117

is that getting somebody to buy into,

00:23:42.858 --> 00:23:44.679

there might be a better way to do this,

00:23:44.899 --> 00:23:46.220

be a better way to get help

00:23:46.594 --> 00:23:48.255

So I think I remember you

00:23:48.315 --> 00:23:51.317

saying that the only times

00:23:51.397 --> 00:23:52.958

that you needed to contact

00:23:53.018 --> 00:23:54.699

someone on the outside and

00:23:56.760 --> 00:23:58.181

involve a third party is if

00:23:58.221 --> 00:23:59.562

somebody is planning on

00:23:59.642 --> 00:24:01.483

hurting themself or someone else.

00:24:03.684 --> 00:24:03.965

Well,

00:24:04.605 --> 00:24:06.206

typically it's with if they're going

00:24:06.226 --> 00:24:07.267

to hurt themselves.

00:24:08.547 --> 00:24:09.288

Yeah.

00:24:10.569 --> 00:24:12.350

And they've got a plan or the intent.

00:24:12.531 --> 00:24:12.537

know,

00:24:12.557 --> 00:24:16.238

I think there's this myth out there that,

00:24:16.998 --> 00:24:18.498

well, if I say yes,

00:24:18.598 --> 00:24:19.579

I'm going to be hauled off

00:24:19.619 --> 00:24:20.559

to the psych ward.

00:24:20.619 --> 00:24:23.220

And that's not necessarily how that goes.

00:24:23.740 --> 00:24:23.920

Yeah.

00:24:24.700 --> 00:24:25.020

You know,

00:24:25.520 --> 00:24:27.281

somebody having brief fleeting

00:24:27.321 --> 00:24:30.322

suicidal ideation that that's Tuesday.

00:24:31.757 --> 00:24:33.518

It's like I said, it's not going to get my,

00:24:33.978 --> 00:24:35.058

it's going to get my attention.

00:24:35.078 --> 00:24:35.879

That's something that's

00:24:35.899 --> 00:24:36.939

going to be on my radar,

00:24:36.959 --> 00:24:38.059

but it's not something that

00:24:38.079 --> 00:24:39.140

I'm going to get too worked

00:24:39.220 --> 00:24:40.900

up about because, okay, they're just,

00:24:41.080 --> 00:24:42.121

they're in pain right now.

00:24:43.401 --> 00:24:44.462

I think it's a lot more

00:24:44.522 --> 00:24:47.123

common than people think, you know,

00:24:47.143 --> 00:24:48.723

and I certainly thought

00:24:48.823 --> 00:24:50.724

when I was going through it, I was like,

00:24:50.924 --> 00:24:51.944

I'm probably the only one

00:24:52.044 --> 00:24:54.445

who feels this extreme about this.

00:24:54.505 --> 00:24:54.765

You know,

00:24:54.945 --> 00:24:56.906

I'm the only one who's having

00:24:56.946 --> 00:24:57.486

these thoughts,

00:24:57.566 --> 00:24:58.747

but I think it's pretty common.

00:24:58.767 --> 00:24:58.807

It,

00:24:59.908 --> 00:25:00.748

It can be,

00:25:01.828 --> 00:25:03.509

but I think the myth of being

00:25:03.589 --> 00:25:04.889

placed on a psych ward,

00:25:05.689 --> 00:25:08.410

I think it's overrated.

00:25:09.470 --> 00:25:10.730

If you end up on a psych

00:25:10.770 --> 00:25:13.251

ward that is for stabilization purposes,

00:25:13.291 --> 00:25:14.711

you're gonna be there for

00:25:14.711 --> 00:25:16.769

24 to 72 hours typically.

00:25:18.010 --> 00:25:19.250

It's a rare occasion,

00:25:20.110 --> 00:25:22.151

at least since I've been

00:25:22.191 --> 00:25:23.751

out of the emergency services

00:25:26.077 --> 00:25:28.359

arena if when i was working

00:25:28.399 --> 00:25:29.961

emergency services uh

00:25:30.461 --> 00:25:31.342

doctors would do an

00:25:31.382 --> 00:25:33.264

evaluation and say that

00:25:33.304 --> 00:25:33.824

they need to be

00:25:33.864 --> 00:25:35.005

hospitalized the patient

00:25:35.045 --> 00:25:36.667

doesn't want to go and they

00:25:36.727 --> 00:25:37.908

fill out the form for in

00:25:38.108 --> 00:25:39.370

they do an involuntary

00:25:39.470 --> 00:25:41.131

petition to have that

00:25:41.171 --> 00:25:42.452

person committed to a psych

00:25:42.533 --> 00:25:43.894

unit for observation

00:25:45.522 --> 00:25:47.402

And typically, at least in state,

00:25:47.522 --> 00:25:48.503

every state is different

00:25:48.523 --> 00:25:49.963

about how this process goes.

00:25:50.883 --> 00:25:51.983

But you have to go, you know,

00:25:52.003 --> 00:25:52.823

the clinician has to

00:25:52.883 --> 00:25:54.664

contact the magistrate and

00:25:55.164 --> 00:25:57.424

swear out an affidavit and say, hey,

00:25:58.444 --> 00:25:59.725

this person is suicidal.

00:25:59.765 --> 00:26:01.145

We cannot guarantee their safety.

00:26:01.185 --> 00:26:02.825

They need to be committed.

00:26:02.865 --> 00:26:06.806

They need to be a 24 to 48

00:26:06.806 --> 00:26:08.826

hour commitment and the

00:26:08.846 --> 00:26:09.906

police will go pick them up,

00:26:10.966 --> 00:26:12.407

which is why it's always

00:26:12.467 --> 00:26:13.607

better to get the buy in

00:26:14.973 --> 00:26:16.996

Because if it's voluntary, it goes better.

00:26:17.637 --> 00:26:18.558

But there have been times

00:26:18.638 --> 00:26:20.060

where I've had to go down

00:26:20.100 --> 00:26:21.362

to the magistrate and say,

00:26:21.382 --> 00:26:23.285

I swear this person is

00:26:23.345 --> 00:26:25.508

doing this and this needs

00:26:25.568 --> 00:26:26.930

to happen for their safety.

00:26:27.651 --> 00:26:27.831

Yeah.

00:26:29.120 --> 00:26:32.041

They usually get mad, but they're alive.

00:26:33.081 --> 00:26:34.041

Well, yes.

00:26:35.621 --> 00:26:36.741

And as you said before,

00:26:37.001 --> 00:26:37.902

we'd rather have them be

00:26:37.942 --> 00:26:40.182

mad at you or mad at us for

00:26:40.442 --> 00:26:42.102

making the phone call than

00:26:42.142 --> 00:26:42.902

to have to deal with the

00:26:42.942 --> 00:26:45.403

consequences of completed self-harm.

00:26:45.903 --> 00:26:46.843

But again,

00:26:47.103 --> 00:26:49.004

it doesn't happen as often as

00:26:49.044 --> 00:26:49.684

people think.

00:26:49.784 --> 00:26:51.064

It usually happens when

00:26:51.104 --> 00:26:54.525

people are really in a bad

00:26:54.605 --> 00:26:56.065

way and they are refusing help.

00:26:56.945 --> 00:26:57.105

Yeah.

00:26:59.265 --> 00:26:59.945

So basically,

00:26:59.985 --> 00:27:01.826

if you want to avoid getting committed,

00:27:02.686 --> 00:27:04.347

buy into your own healing.

00:27:05.908 --> 00:27:08.129

You know, I would recommend that.

00:27:08.169 --> 00:27:08.589

Yeah.

00:27:09.149 --> 00:27:10.170

And, you know,

00:27:10.250 --> 00:27:11.390

this is the other thing is

00:27:11.430 --> 00:27:12.311

that when you're when

00:27:12.331 --> 00:27:13.991

you're looking for clinician,

00:27:17.153 --> 00:27:18.373

everybody wants a doctor,

00:27:18.533 --> 00:27:20.074

everybody wants a psychiatrist.

00:27:21.396 --> 00:27:22.977

And there's nothing wrong with that.

00:27:23.017 --> 00:27:24.037

The psychiatrists,

00:27:24.757 --> 00:27:26.038

at least in my experience,

00:27:26.058 --> 00:27:28.059

they don't do that kind of therapy.

00:27:28.099 --> 00:27:28.919

They do medication

00:27:28.959 --> 00:27:30.159

management and medication

00:27:30.179 --> 00:27:32.360

management for depression,

00:27:33.461 --> 00:27:34.561

for mental health issues.

00:27:34.681 --> 00:27:36.542

It's a wonderful asset.

00:27:36.582 --> 00:27:37.562

It's a wonderful tool.

00:27:37.662 --> 00:27:38.482

I know people say, well,

00:27:38.542 --> 00:27:39.823

I don't want to take medications.

00:27:41.003 --> 00:27:41.944

Well, you know,

00:27:42.872 --> 00:27:44.635

Diabetics don't want to take insulin,

00:27:44.675 --> 00:27:46.638

but there they are taking insulin.

00:27:47.178 --> 00:27:48.460

There are medications there

00:27:48.500 --> 00:27:49.622

that are supposed to help

00:27:49.902 --> 00:27:51.284

alleviate those symptoms.

00:27:51.985 --> 00:27:53.107

It doesn't necessarily mean

00:27:53.147 --> 00:27:54.949

that you're going to be on them forever,

00:27:55.490 --> 00:27:58.014

but to get you through, it helps.

00:27:59.949 --> 00:28:02.952

Yeah, when I when I first started therapy,

00:28:03.492 --> 00:28:04.633

there just was nothing that

00:28:04.673 --> 00:28:05.914

was making me feel better.

00:28:06.134 --> 00:28:07.055

And I didn't want to get on

00:28:07.095 --> 00:28:07.936

medication either.

00:28:07.956 --> 00:28:09.577

There's all of the stigma

00:28:09.657 --> 00:28:11.038

around it and side effects

00:28:11.098 --> 00:28:12.259

and all those kinds of things.

00:28:13.220 --> 00:28:16.602

And when I did finally get on medication,

00:28:16.622 --> 00:28:20.426

I was able to get above that, you know,

00:28:20.666 --> 00:28:22.147

three or four on a scale of

00:28:22.267 --> 00:28:24.489

one to 10 for the first time in years.

00:28:25.563 --> 00:28:26.664

And I was able to get out of

00:28:26.704 --> 00:28:28.626

bed in the morning and function normally.

00:28:28.646 --> 00:28:30.128

And I always said that

00:28:30.728 --> 00:28:32.530

depression for me felt like

00:28:32.770 --> 00:28:34.011

there was a filter over my

00:28:34.071 --> 00:28:36.594

brain and none of the bad

00:28:36.654 --> 00:28:38.315

thoughts could get out and

00:28:38.355 --> 00:28:39.777

none of the good thoughts could come in.

00:28:40.217 --> 00:28:41.358

So I was just stuck in this

00:28:41.418 --> 00:28:42.339

place all the time and

00:28:42.379 --> 00:28:43.881

medication helped get rid

00:28:43.901 --> 00:28:45.622

of that filter so that I

00:28:45.662 --> 00:28:47.003

could finally start feeling

00:28:47.064 --> 00:28:48.245

hopeful about things again.

00:28:48.972 --> 00:28:49.292

Right.

00:28:49.552 --> 00:28:52.294

And so I'm not a prescribing provider.

00:28:52.334 --> 00:28:53.715

So when patients ask me

00:28:53.755 --> 00:28:55.296

questions about their medications,

00:28:55.536 --> 00:28:58.257

I'm like, one, two, three, not it.

00:28:58.498 --> 00:28:59.398

Call your doctor,

00:28:59.898 --> 00:29:01.279

because if you're having these issues,

00:29:01.479 --> 00:29:02.300

you should be talking to

00:29:02.340 --> 00:29:03.300

your doctor about this.

00:29:05.562 --> 00:29:07.423

If I think that you need medications,

00:29:07.643 --> 00:29:08.443

I'm going to tell you,

00:29:08.463 --> 00:29:10.044

I think you need a second opinion,

00:29:11.065 --> 00:29:12.345

because even in my work,

00:29:12.365 --> 00:29:15.547

I may be an expert, considered an expert,

00:29:15.627 --> 00:29:18.049

but I can still be wrong.

00:29:18.733 --> 00:29:21.194

And I'm a fan of getting a second opinion.

00:29:21.214 --> 00:29:23.755

A lot of people don't

00:29:23.815 --> 00:29:25.355

realize that you can get, um,

00:29:25.797 --> 00:29:27.238

depression medication from

00:29:27.298 --> 00:29:28.898

your regular primary care doctor.

00:29:28.938 --> 00:29:30.899

You don't have to go to a psychiatrist.

00:29:31.339 --> 00:29:32.860

You can, you can get your,

00:29:33.040 --> 00:29:35.380

you can get psych meds from

00:29:35.421 --> 00:29:37.081

a nurse practitioner or PA,

00:29:37.141 --> 00:29:38.382

or just a regular, uh,

00:29:38.842 --> 00:29:40.122

general practitioner.

00:29:40.793 --> 00:29:43.394

but that's for medications for therapy.

00:29:43.676 --> 00:29:45.089

i'm a licensed clinical

00:29:45.149 --> 00:29:46.110

social worker so i have a

00:29:46.150 --> 00:29:47.191

master's degree in social

00:29:47.231 --> 00:29:49.113

work i've been licensed

00:29:49.473 --> 00:29:51.888

since 2003. so i am

00:29:54.150 --> 00:29:55.352

sanctified and certified by

00:29:55.392 --> 00:29:56.813

the state of texas that i

00:29:56.853 --> 00:29:59.315

can provide assessments do

00:29:59.355 --> 00:30:01.017

treatment planning provide

00:30:01.137 --> 00:30:02.919

outpatient therapy services um

00:30:05.634 --> 00:30:06.715

and do discharge planning

00:30:06.755 --> 00:30:07.595

and case management.

00:30:09.196 --> 00:30:11.057

I cannot prescribe medications.

00:30:12.157 --> 00:30:13.318

So a few years ago,

00:30:13.418 --> 00:30:14.639

my wife and I were at a

00:30:15.079 --> 00:30:17.080

social work conference here in Texas,

00:30:17.160 --> 00:30:17.941

and we were standing in

00:30:18.081 --> 00:30:20.422

line to get lunch.

00:30:21.474 --> 00:30:22.694

we were standing behind some

00:30:22.754 --> 00:30:23.815

students some young

00:30:23.915 --> 00:30:26.315

students and me being the

00:30:26.375 --> 00:30:27.696

smarter like that i am i

00:30:27.796 --> 00:30:28.976

overheard one of them say

00:30:29.576 --> 00:30:30.416

how do you tell the

00:30:30.456 --> 00:30:31.557

difference between a

00:30:32.397 --> 00:30:34.037

master's level provider

00:30:34.217 --> 00:30:35.658

psychologist and a

00:30:35.718 --> 00:30:37.298

psychiatrist and without

00:30:37.398 --> 00:30:41.419

thinking i said level of

00:30:41.539 --> 00:30:43.000

arrogance and my wife

00:30:43.080 --> 00:30:44.500

immediately just does this

00:30:44.600 --> 00:30:46.921

number and start shaking

00:30:47.001 --> 00:30:48.201

her head like why

00:30:49.844 --> 00:30:50.384

I don't know.

00:30:52.125 --> 00:30:52.905

It's a true statement.

00:30:53.385 --> 00:30:53.625

I mean,

00:30:53.665 --> 00:30:55.506

if you spend any time with providers,

00:30:55.526 --> 00:30:56.206

you'll be like,

00:30:57.686 --> 00:30:59.587

and I have the same problem.

00:31:00.727 --> 00:31:04.368

But the difference is, is that LCSWs,

00:31:04.829 --> 00:31:06.969

licensed professional counselors, LPCs,

00:31:07.329 --> 00:31:09.170

licensed marriage and family therapists,

00:31:09.730 --> 00:31:10.450

LMFTs,

00:31:12.951 --> 00:31:14.211

there might be another license I'm

00:31:14.251 --> 00:31:17.152

missing, but we can assess,

00:31:17.933 --> 00:31:19.233

we can write treatment plans.

00:31:20.057 --> 00:31:23.500

we can diagnose, we can provide therapy.

00:31:24.641 --> 00:31:27.324

And depending on like social workers,

00:31:28.625 --> 00:31:30.987

we're trained a little

00:31:31.027 --> 00:31:32.588

differently because a lot

00:31:32.608 --> 00:31:34.270

of our work started in the community.

00:31:34.870 --> 00:31:37.313

So we go from a systems perspective.

00:31:37.393 --> 00:31:38.854

It's not only that individual,

00:31:38.934 --> 00:31:43.478

but what societal factors

00:31:43.638 --> 00:31:45.280

are impacting that person.

00:31:46.524 --> 00:31:47.425

Do they have food?

00:31:47.525 --> 00:31:49.046

Do they have a roof over their head?

00:31:50.186 --> 00:31:53.528

Are they in a safe environment?

00:31:54.289 --> 00:31:55.249

I can't tell you how many

00:31:55.289 --> 00:31:57.951

times I've done evaluations

00:31:57.971 --> 00:31:59.592

where I'll ask the questions, well,

00:31:59.832 --> 00:32:02.014

do you have food in your refrigerator?

00:32:02.894 --> 00:32:05.716

And if they say no and they're cranky,

00:32:05.776 --> 00:32:08.377

well, they might be hungry.

00:32:10.759 --> 00:32:13.941

If they're having financial issues,

00:32:14.201 --> 00:32:14.942

if they're having...

00:32:17.034 --> 00:32:18.155

marital if there's marital

00:32:18.195 --> 00:32:19.075

conflict there might be

00:32:19.136 --> 00:32:20.276

something else impacting

00:32:20.336 --> 00:32:21.357

those symptoms that i need

00:32:21.377 --> 00:32:24.219

to be aware of but we're

00:32:24.419 --> 00:32:27.141

all trained to do therapies

00:32:27.281 --> 00:32:28.862

whether it's and it's

00:32:28.942 --> 00:32:30.823

usually basic stuff in grad

00:32:30.863 --> 00:32:32.084

school and then we go on

00:32:32.144 --> 00:32:34.006

and get other training um

00:32:36.267 --> 00:32:37.848

psychologists and psyd's

00:32:37.888 --> 00:32:39.549

they're trained to do the

00:32:39.589 --> 00:32:40.910

same thing the only thing

00:32:40.970 --> 00:32:43.292

that the bare bones of what they do

00:32:44.415 --> 00:32:45.936

is the only thing they do

00:32:45.976 --> 00:32:47.456

additionally is IQ and

00:32:47.476 --> 00:32:48.677

personality disorder

00:32:48.737 --> 00:32:50.277

testing and testing for

00:32:50.497 --> 00:32:51.557

learning disabilities.

00:32:53.098 --> 00:32:54.739

And they do those things beautifully.

00:32:54.759 --> 00:32:56.259

They're great at it.

00:32:58.460 --> 00:32:59.420

I've worked with a lot of

00:32:59.440 --> 00:33:01.101

great psychologists over the years.

00:33:03.441 --> 00:33:05.602

So those are kind of the differences.

00:33:06.641 --> 00:33:07.481

What else do we need to

00:33:07.521 --> 00:33:09.602

cover about suicide prevention?

00:33:09.662 --> 00:33:11.063

What haven't we asked yet?

00:33:11.103 --> 00:33:12.344

That is important to know.

00:33:14.445 --> 00:33:14.725

Well,

00:33:15.635 --> 00:33:17.696

Best way of preventing suicide.

00:33:19.437 --> 00:33:20.738

Build resiliency.

00:33:22.439 --> 00:33:24.279

The R word resiliency.

00:33:25.280 --> 00:33:26.560

Heard that a lot in the Air Force.

00:33:26.660 --> 00:33:27.821

Build resiliency.

00:33:29.500 --> 00:33:31.421

And I always kind of chuckle

00:33:31.481 --> 00:33:33.922

at that because service members,

00:33:33.962 --> 00:33:36.382

when we join the service,

00:33:36.903 --> 00:33:38.483

we're typically a little healthier.

00:33:38.503 --> 00:33:39.604

We have to be a little

00:33:39.664 --> 00:33:44.065

healthier than everybody else.

00:33:44.125 --> 00:33:45.466

So we've already got some

00:33:45.506 --> 00:33:46.646

built in resiliency.

00:33:49.127 --> 00:33:50.448

I work with a lot of parents.

00:33:50.528 --> 00:33:51.408

I don't work with kids.

00:33:51.848 --> 00:33:53.128

I think I've kind of aged

00:33:53.309 --> 00:33:54.589

out of working with kids.

00:33:55.129 --> 00:33:55.889

No longer cool.

00:33:59.566 --> 00:34:00.426

I'm an old guy.

00:34:02.047 --> 00:34:03.427

But I tell parents who are

00:34:03.487 --> 00:34:06.027

worried about their kids, it's like,

00:34:06.047 --> 00:34:07.468

when have you allowed them to fail?

00:34:07.488 --> 00:34:11.408

When have you taught them how to fail?

00:34:13.269 --> 00:34:14.809

Because the best way that

00:34:14.849 --> 00:34:16.329

you're gonna prevent this

00:34:16.369 --> 00:34:18.370

stuff in the future is if

00:34:18.410 --> 00:34:19.670

you teach them how to fail.

00:34:19.750 --> 00:34:20.910

And it's gonna stink.

00:34:21.530 --> 00:34:24.051

When you watch your kid fail, it stinks.

00:34:25.145 --> 00:34:25.305

Now,

00:34:25.365 --> 00:34:28.187

my mom was one of those old Southern

00:34:28.227 --> 00:34:30.268

women who did not play games.

00:34:32.369 --> 00:34:35.310

And she did not suffer

00:34:35.390 --> 00:34:38.212

foolishness like a lot of

00:34:38.232 --> 00:34:39.693

moms of that generation.

00:34:40.013 --> 00:34:44.535

And she made it very clear

00:34:44.975 --> 00:34:48.837

that if we failed at school,

00:34:50.598 --> 00:34:51.459

there were gonna be

00:34:51.519 --> 00:34:53.500

consequences that we didn't want.

00:34:54.605 --> 00:34:56.707

Now, we would, you know,

00:34:57.127 --> 00:34:59.089

grow our hair as long as I

00:34:59.209 --> 00:35:00.430

had hair at one point.

00:35:00.830 --> 00:35:02.652

We would grow, we had long hair,

00:35:02.712 --> 00:35:04.833

holes in our jeans, you know,

00:35:05.594 --> 00:35:07.335

listening to rock music,

00:35:07.415 --> 00:35:08.817

doing just dumb things.

00:35:08.877 --> 00:35:10.278

But my mom set her limits.

00:35:10.318 --> 00:35:10.758

She goes,

00:35:11.599 --> 00:35:12.640

I don't care what kind of music

00:35:12.680 --> 00:35:13.280

you listen to,

00:35:13.340 --> 00:35:14.922

but if your grades are not good,

00:35:16.423 --> 00:35:17.344

we have a problem.

00:35:17.564 --> 00:35:19.185

And she was a great believer

00:35:19.505 --> 00:35:21.247

in teaching object lessons.

00:35:22.315 --> 00:35:24.096

You know, four years old,

00:35:24.116 --> 00:35:25.917

we were standing in my

00:35:25.977 --> 00:35:27.157

grandmother's living room.

00:35:27.197 --> 00:35:28.958

She was ironing her clothes and she said,

00:35:29.018 --> 00:35:30.218

honey, don't touch that iron.

00:35:30.278 --> 00:35:30.699

It's hot.

00:35:30.719 --> 00:35:31.759

And I didn't believe her.

00:35:33.980 --> 00:35:35.400

Put my finger on that thing,

00:35:35.781 --> 00:35:36.681

started hollering.

00:35:36.701 --> 00:35:38.282

And she looked at me and said, well,

00:35:38.502 --> 00:35:39.702

I told you it was hot.

00:35:40.142 --> 00:35:40.943

What'd you learn?

00:35:41.563 --> 00:35:43.144

Which was normally the, you know,

00:35:43.364 --> 00:35:44.604

after the lesson, after the,

00:35:44.864 --> 00:35:46.265

after I learned the lesson, well,

00:35:46.285 --> 00:35:47.025

what did you learn?

00:35:48.126 --> 00:35:48.426

You know?

00:35:49.250 --> 00:35:51.391

I think that's such a great way to handle,

00:35:52.652 --> 00:35:54.794

you know, children's failure or children,

00:35:55.094 --> 00:35:55.354

you know,

00:35:55.374 --> 00:35:56.455

being disappointed about

00:35:56.515 --> 00:35:58.976

something is to just, just say,

00:35:59.036 --> 00:35:59.857

what did you learn?

00:35:59.897 --> 00:36:00.797

Because that's a very

00:36:00.897 --> 00:36:02.278

nonjudgmental way to say

00:36:02.318 --> 00:36:04.119

you and I both know that didn't go well.

00:36:05.180 --> 00:36:07.221

And the important thing is, yeah,

00:36:07.562 --> 00:36:08.282

what did you learn and what

00:36:08.302 --> 00:36:08.762

are you going to do

00:36:08.782 --> 00:36:09.683

differently next time?

00:36:09.943 --> 00:36:10.068

Right.

00:36:10.076 --> 00:36:11.696

if there's violence in the

00:36:11.756 --> 00:36:14.958

home that's something

00:36:14.998 --> 00:36:15.918

different but if you're in

00:36:15.958 --> 00:36:17.919

a house where you know

00:36:17.979 --> 00:36:19.440

there's a mix of discipline

00:36:19.860 --> 00:36:22.781

and love and we know from

00:36:22.861 --> 00:36:24.142

studies after studies that

00:36:24.182 --> 00:36:26.563

parents just who give their

00:36:26.663 --> 00:36:28.284

kids are permissive with

00:36:28.324 --> 00:36:29.164

their kids and let them do

00:36:29.264 --> 00:36:30.345

anything well they end up

00:36:30.365 --> 00:36:31.205

getting spoiled little

00:36:31.265 --> 00:36:33.786

brats if on the other hand

00:36:33.846 --> 00:36:34.607

you have strict

00:36:34.647 --> 00:36:36.047

disciplinarians that they

00:36:36.087 --> 00:36:37.248

have to toe the line and

00:36:38.268 --> 00:36:40.749

you know, all that, well,

00:36:40.789 --> 00:36:41.569

they're just going to get

00:36:41.649 --> 00:36:42.609

better at hiding.

00:36:43.649 --> 00:36:44.449

They're going to get better

00:36:44.469 --> 00:36:45.790

at hiding bad behaviors.

00:36:46.370 --> 00:36:49.270

But what we found is that in, you know,

00:36:49.310 --> 00:36:50.911

at least the last time I looked at it,

00:36:51.611 --> 00:36:54.631

parents that give a mix of, you know,

00:36:54.992 --> 00:36:55.712

setting limits and

00:36:55.752 --> 00:36:57.032

consequences and boundaries

00:36:57.572 --> 00:36:58.552

and rewards when they've

00:36:58.592 --> 00:37:00.413

earned it typically end up

00:37:00.433 --> 00:37:02.173

with with fairly decent kids.

00:37:03.593 --> 00:37:04.594

You know, notwithstanding,

00:37:04.614 --> 00:37:06.154

we're all you know, when we're all kids,

00:37:06.174 --> 00:37:06.814

we're all stupid.

00:37:08.006 --> 00:37:09.087

I don't mean that in a bad way,

00:37:09.127 --> 00:37:10.307

but we're all kids.

00:37:10.387 --> 00:37:11.588

We do dumb things.

00:37:11.688 --> 00:37:13.689

That's just life.

00:37:14.329 --> 00:37:15.730

Putting your finger on a hot

00:37:15.950 --> 00:37:18.252

iron taught me don't touch a hot iron,

00:37:19.032 --> 00:37:19.412

you know.

00:37:22.354 --> 00:37:24.035

But it is really, well,

00:37:24.575 --> 00:37:25.475

what did you learn?

00:37:26.716 --> 00:37:28.457

And being nonjudgmental about it.

00:37:29.017 --> 00:37:30.938

And sometimes as, you know,

00:37:31.359 --> 00:37:32.299

working with kids,

00:37:32.439 --> 00:37:33.880

sometimes it really is.

00:37:36.762 --> 00:37:37.282

Here's the thing.

00:37:38.100 --> 00:37:39.561

I'm not okay with that behavior.

00:37:39.601 --> 00:37:40.522

Don't do that again.

00:37:41.102 --> 00:37:42.303

And here's the consequence.

00:37:44.265 --> 00:37:45.285

But the other thing is,

00:37:45.345 --> 00:37:47.367

and I really do kind of

00:37:47.387 --> 00:37:48.327

feel sorry for kids

00:37:48.388 --> 00:37:49.608

nowadays is because there's

00:37:49.648 --> 00:37:50.649

social media and

00:37:50.769 --> 00:37:52.170

everybody's got a cell phone.

00:37:55.052 --> 00:37:57.094

And it's hard to build relationships.

00:37:58.475 --> 00:37:59.616

But I think that some of the

00:37:59.656 --> 00:38:01.097

things that protect us over

00:38:01.137 --> 00:38:02.938

time is having people that

00:38:02.978 --> 00:38:04.960

we can count on, friends.

00:38:05.996 --> 00:38:08.116

And the thing that I hear from patients,

00:38:08.176 --> 00:38:09.857

which I will always and

00:38:09.897 --> 00:38:11.277

forever reserve my right to

00:38:11.317 --> 00:38:13.477

be right about this, is when they say,

00:38:13.497 --> 00:38:13.658

well,

00:38:13.678 --> 00:38:15.298

I can't burden my friends with this.

00:38:15.378 --> 00:38:16.618

And I'm like, no,

00:38:17.338 --> 00:38:18.759

that that's not how this is

00:38:18.799 --> 00:38:19.299

going to work.

00:38:20.139 --> 00:38:20.959

As a therapist,

00:38:21.119 --> 00:38:22.799

I get you for one hour a week.

00:38:24.800 --> 00:38:25.580

I get that's it.

00:38:26.020 --> 00:38:27.320

And we have work to do.

00:38:27.480 --> 00:38:28.460

And I'm going to structure

00:38:28.520 --> 00:38:31.561

that time so you get your needs met.

00:38:32.705 --> 00:38:33.765

Because you coming in and

00:38:33.805 --> 00:38:34.686

talking to me about your

00:38:34.706 --> 00:38:37.367

feelings is not going to be

00:38:37.407 --> 00:38:38.307

ineffective because

00:38:38.367 --> 00:38:39.328

essentially what you're

00:38:39.348 --> 00:38:40.128

doing is you're just

00:38:40.148 --> 00:38:41.269

stirring a pot of soup.

00:38:41.649 --> 00:38:42.829

You're stirring everything up.

00:38:42.869 --> 00:38:43.490

You walk out.

00:38:43.510 --> 00:38:45.991

You feel like crap.

00:38:47.932 --> 00:38:49.112

And then you have to deal

00:38:49.152 --> 00:38:50.373

with that the rest of the day.

00:38:50.393 --> 00:38:51.213

Mm hmm.

00:38:51.906 --> 00:38:53.087

And so what I want to do is

00:38:54.028 --> 00:38:55.309

stir the pot in session,

00:38:55.349 --> 00:38:56.590

make sure that you've dealt

00:38:56.650 --> 00:38:58.132

with what you've had to deal with.

00:38:58.232 --> 00:38:59.673

So when you leave my office

00:38:59.833 --> 00:39:01.075

or leave telehealth,

00:39:01.095 --> 00:39:02.196

because that's what I'm doing now,

00:39:02.896 --> 00:39:03.737

when you log out,

00:39:04.338 --> 00:39:05.419

you feel better because

00:39:05.459 --> 00:39:07.100

that's kind of the point of therapy.

00:39:08.361 --> 00:39:09.302

Because if you're doing the

00:39:09.342 --> 00:39:10.083

same thing with your

00:39:10.103 --> 00:39:11.144

therapist every week and

00:39:11.164 --> 00:39:13.526

nothing's changing, to me,

00:39:13.566 --> 00:39:14.427

that would be a problem.

00:39:15.011 --> 00:39:16.492

Yeah, time to get a new therapist.

00:39:16.713 --> 00:39:18.254

Yeah, it's time to get a new therapist.

00:39:18.314 --> 00:39:20.436

And I tell all of my patients,

00:39:20.957 --> 00:39:23.159

if what I'm doing isn't working for you,

00:39:23.539 --> 00:39:24.120

we're going to have a

00:39:24.180 --> 00:39:25.261

conversation about it

00:39:25.321 --> 00:39:28.263

because there was a time I

00:39:28.284 --> 00:39:29.184

probably would have tried

00:39:29.224 --> 00:39:30.866

to stick it out with them.

00:39:30.886 --> 00:39:32.728

But if it's not working, it's not working.

00:39:32.848 --> 00:39:34.589

And frankly,

00:39:34.609 --> 00:39:35.550

it just gets really hard to

00:39:35.590 --> 00:39:36.952

write those notes after a while,

00:39:36.972 --> 00:39:40.095

plus wasting that person's time.

00:39:41.069 --> 00:39:43.009

And that's that's not that's

00:39:43.049 --> 00:39:45.290

not great for for for helping people.

00:39:45.350 --> 00:39:47.671

But there are things that I

00:39:47.731 --> 00:39:50.471

think one building those

00:39:50.531 --> 00:39:53.352

friendships that and, you know,

00:39:53.952 --> 00:39:55.052

women communicate very

00:39:55.112 --> 00:39:56.293

differently than guys do.

00:39:59.513 --> 00:40:01.394

It's just it's just our nature.

00:40:02.134 --> 00:40:03.134

I'm not going to go to my

00:40:03.194 --> 00:40:05.235

friends and tell them all of my feelings.

00:40:05.315 --> 00:40:05.935

I'm going to say, dude,

00:40:05.955 --> 00:40:07.135

you ain't going to believe this.

00:40:08.375 --> 00:40:10.516

And my friends are going to be like, dude,

00:40:12.196 --> 00:40:13.577

And they're going to be there for me.

00:40:14.117 --> 00:40:15.378

Like, is there anything I can do?

00:40:15.478 --> 00:40:16.999

Nah, dude, I just need to say it.

00:40:17.019 --> 00:40:19.641

I, if there's something I can do,

00:40:19.741 --> 00:40:20.221

let me know.

00:40:20.641 --> 00:40:21.102

Gotcha.

00:40:22.182 --> 00:40:23.663

Um, because we,

00:40:23.843 --> 00:40:25.004

we communicate differently.

00:40:25.044 --> 00:40:26.225

We just, you know, we do.

00:40:27.186 --> 00:40:28.246

It's neither bad nor good.

00:40:28.286 --> 00:40:29.087

Just is what it is.

00:40:29.787 --> 00:40:31.208

Um, but I think other,

00:40:31.268 --> 00:40:33.309

just like keeping life really simple,

00:40:35.351 --> 00:40:39.573

getting off of social media, phone down,

00:40:39.593 --> 00:40:39.633

um,

00:40:41.271 --> 00:40:42.552

Practice daily routines.

00:40:42.712 --> 00:40:44.553

Getting out of bed is a daily routine.

00:40:45.094 --> 00:40:47.015

Brushing your teeth is a daily routine.

00:40:47.475 --> 00:40:48.476

Drinking a good cup of

00:40:48.516 --> 00:40:50.737

coffee is a good routine to have.

00:40:52.318 --> 00:40:53.219

Don't drink coffee at

00:40:53.279 --> 00:40:54.059

midnight unless you're a

00:40:54.079 --> 00:40:54.940

third shift worker.

00:40:56.801 --> 00:40:57.702

Exercise.

00:40:58.642 --> 00:41:01.104

If you're not moving, get moving.

00:41:03.406 --> 00:41:04.486

Try something new.

00:41:05.147 --> 00:41:06.428

If you've stopped listening

00:41:06.468 --> 00:41:08.429

to the music that you grew up with,

00:41:09.738 --> 00:41:11.440

just because you, you know,

00:41:11.620 --> 00:41:12.822

you've stopped listening to it.

00:41:14.223 --> 00:41:16.626

Revisit those songs, revisit those albums,

00:41:16.646 --> 00:41:18.368

because they are going to hit different.

00:41:20.310 --> 00:41:22.072

Be okay, get okay with failing.

00:41:22.092 --> 00:41:27.338

And over the age of 50, I can tell you,

00:41:28.839 --> 00:41:29.941

I failed at things.

00:41:32.506 --> 00:41:34.067

I can't remember who said this,

00:41:34.147 --> 00:41:37.089

but I love this quote that

00:41:37.129 --> 00:41:38.650

the definition of success

00:41:39.310 --> 00:41:40.731

is moving from failure to

00:41:40.811 --> 00:41:42.832

failure without a loss of enthusiasm.

00:41:42.992 --> 00:41:44.453

I think that was Winston Churchill.

00:41:45.013 --> 00:41:45.854

Might be, yeah.

00:41:45.974 --> 00:41:47.075

I think it was Churchill.

00:41:47.095 --> 00:41:48.496

And it's just the

00:41:48.556 --> 00:41:49.916

acknowledgement that life

00:41:49.996 --> 00:41:51.257

is a series of failures.

00:41:52.218 --> 00:41:53.498

And if you think of it that way,

00:41:53.739 --> 00:41:55.119

then you appreciate the

00:41:55.179 --> 00:41:56.300

things that happen well

00:41:57.001 --> 00:41:57.561

because they're rare.

00:41:57.581 --> 00:41:58.281

Yeah, you know, I had a...

00:42:02.312 --> 00:42:03.492

I was talking to a friend of

00:42:03.532 --> 00:42:05.613

mine who's a vet and he's

00:42:05.693 --> 00:42:06.573

retiring and we were

00:42:06.613 --> 00:42:07.833

talking about our

00:42:07.873 --> 00:42:09.353

experiences in the military.

00:42:09.493 --> 00:42:10.754

And, you know,

00:42:11.594 --> 00:42:12.894

some of my experience was

00:42:12.954 --> 00:42:14.674

amazing and some of it was

00:42:14.775 --> 00:42:19.255

just creptacular in an epic proportions.

00:42:20.936 --> 00:42:22.896

And we were talking about it and I said,

00:42:22.916 --> 00:42:23.236

you know,

00:42:23.716 --> 00:42:25.217

even with all the even with all

00:42:25.237 --> 00:42:25.977

the bad stuff,

00:42:26.477 --> 00:42:27.717

I wouldn't change any of it.

00:42:28.997 --> 00:42:29.758

And he's like, why?

00:42:29.798 --> 00:42:30.218

I was like,

00:42:30.258 --> 00:42:31.218

because I wouldn't have ended

00:42:31.278 --> 00:42:32.038

up where I am.

00:42:34.206 --> 00:42:34.466

I mean,

00:42:34.526 --> 00:42:36.888

it literally the worst some of the

00:42:36.948 --> 00:42:38.269

worst moments of my life

00:42:38.349 --> 00:42:40.110

occurred when I was in the military.

00:42:42.812 --> 00:42:44.353

Just due to bad leadership,

00:42:44.433 --> 00:42:46.654

because leadership is key

00:42:47.015 --> 00:42:48.295

to preventing mental health

00:42:48.415 --> 00:42:54.119

issues in your in your troop or in work.

00:42:55.280 --> 00:42:57.962

So, you know, I told him, I said, you know,

00:42:58.802 --> 00:42:59.743

I would do all I would do

00:42:59.783 --> 00:43:00.584

it all over again.

00:43:00.604 --> 00:43:04.046

Yeah, because it made me exactly who I am.

00:43:05.467 --> 00:43:07.588

And I got those lessons that

00:43:07.688 --> 00:43:08.749

I can pass on to other

00:43:08.789 --> 00:43:09.789

people if they want them.

00:43:09.829 --> 00:43:11.550

And if they don't want them, that's OK.

00:43:13.591 --> 00:43:15.092

The other thing to remember,

00:43:15.332 --> 00:43:16.412

because I find myself

00:43:16.472 --> 00:43:17.753

saying this a lot lately.

00:43:21.855 --> 00:43:23.216

Feelings are not facts.

00:43:25.136 --> 00:43:26.737

Your feelings are going to change.

00:43:27.558 --> 00:43:28.398

And I know that there are

00:43:28.418 --> 00:43:29.419

people out there who would

00:43:29.459 --> 00:43:30.839

disagree with me about this.

00:43:31.019 --> 00:43:32.160

And hey, Kitty.

00:43:33.229 --> 00:43:35.310

um it's time for her treats

00:43:38.052 --> 00:43:40.193

uh my goal is to help you

00:43:41.574 --> 00:43:42.955

move past those yucky

00:43:43.035 --> 00:43:44.136

feelings if you've got a

00:43:44.176 --> 00:43:45.157

lot of trauma that you're

00:43:45.177 --> 00:43:48.038

hanging on to there's work

00:43:48.078 --> 00:43:49.639

to be done we can get you

00:43:49.679 --> 00:43:51.040

through that and you're not

00:43:51.080 --> 00:43:52.281

going to feel the same way

00:43:52.301 --> 00:43:57.144

but that said there's no

00:43:57.204 --> 00:43:59.946

therapy on this planet that

00:44:00.006 --> 00:44:02.027

is ever going to make you like something

00:44:02.668 --> 00:44:03.769

didn't like broccoli as a

00:44:03.829 --> 00:44:05.710

kid probably not going to

00:44:05.750 --> 00:44:07.051

like broccoli as an adult

00:44:07.591 --> 00:44:08.572

if you didn't like being

00:44:08.612 --> 00:44:10.013

sexually abused as a kid

00:44:10.493 --> 00:44:11.554

probably not going to like

00:44:11.594 --> 00:44:12.695

it as an adult and that's

00:44:12.795 --> 00:44:16.037

okay what therapy is going

00:44:16.057 --> 00:44:16.957

to do is it's going to take

00:44:17.018 --> 00:44:18.539

out the emotional sting of

00:44:18.599 --> 00:44:21.981

those issues and so that

00:44:22.081 --> 00:44:23.622

way you're not having those

00:44:23.662 --> 00:44:25.723

same reactions because if

00:44:25.763 --> 00:44:26.944

you keep having the same

00:44:27.004 --> 00:44:28.785

reactions over and over

00:44:28.885 --> 00:44:31.247

again that's a problem

00:44:32.625 --> 00:44:33.565

But I just, you know,

00:44:33.585 --> 00:44:35.566

and I say this to a lot of people,

00:44:35.606 --> 00:44:35.866

you know,

00:44:35.926 --> 00:44:37.106

our feelings aren't facts and

00:44:37.146 --> 00:44:38.407

our feelings are going to change.

00:44:39.687 --> 00:44:40.767

And we're going to grow through them.

00:44:40.987 --> 00:44:41.908

They're going to be different.

00:44:41.988 --> 00:44:44.488

So the next time, you know,

00:44:45.909 --> 00:44:47.849

somebody tries to pull the

00:44:47.889 --> 00:44:49.070

wool over your eyes,

00:44:49.410 --> 00:44:50.430

you're going to be sitting there going,

00:44:51.170 --> 00:44:52.831

I've seen this movie before.

00:44:52.851 --> 00:44:54.131

I know how it ends.

00:44:54.351 --> 00:44:54.751

I'm good.

00:44:54.771 --> 00:44:56.172

No, thank you.

00:44:56.732 --> 00:44:57.272

Yeah, for sure.

00:44:57.815 --> 00:45:03.603

Miss Pris here is demanding her treat.

00:45:03.943 --> 00:45:04.604

What is her name?

00:45:04.624 --> 00:45:05.225

We need to know.

00:45:05.245 --> 00:45:07.027

Her name is Callie.

00:45:07.728 --> 00:45:08.609

Her Majesty.

00:45:08.629 --> 00:45:10.851

Her Majesty the Queen.

00:45:13.266 --> 00:45:13.426

Well,

00:45:13.446 --> 00:45:14.907

thank you so much for spending time

00:45:14.947 --> 00:45:15.727

with us today.

00:45:16.007 --> 00:45:17.348

And I appreciate all of your

00:45:17.428 --> 00:45:18.428

helpful commentary.

00:45:18.568 --> 00:45:19.568

And I hope this helps some

00:45:19.588 --> 00:45:21.669

people out there to get the

00:45:21.709 --> 00:45:22.229

help they need.

00:45:22.870 --> 00:45:23.170

Yeah.

00:45:23.210 --> 00:45:23.350

Yeah.