Former Mormon Missionary Reveals her Faith Changed After Serving

WEBVTT

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Hello, beautiful humans.

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Welcome to the Midlife Revolution.

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I'm your host, Megan Conner.

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And today I am joined by one

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of the most fantastic

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people on the entire planet,

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my oldest daughter, Emmy.

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Hello.

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Emmy is short for Megan Elizabeth.

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We've called you Emmy your whole life.

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And there were even people

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that knew you for 20 years

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before they knew that your

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real name was Megan.

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True, true story.

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So I brought Emmy on today

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because among the many

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things that we could

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discuss between the two of

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us that I think would be

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very entertaining,

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you served an LDS mission

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after high school.

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And I wanted you to talk

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about your experiences on

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the mission and shed some

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light for people about what

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it's really like to serve a

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mission and how they should

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react to Mormon

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missionaries when they see

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them out there in the world.

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So thanks for being here today.

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You're welcome.

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What do you want to tell us

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about yourself before we get started,

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the people who don't know you?

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live in California with my

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husband and my little boy.

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Who is adorable.

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Yes.

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He just started preschool,

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which is very exciting for us.

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I am neurodivergent.

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I have a lot of crafty hobbies,

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and I'm currently staying

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home with my little guy,

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so not working outside the

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home right now.

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But who knows?

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In the future, that may change.

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And I'm trained as a birth doula,

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so I have a background in birth work.

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Well, cool.

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You also are just, I don't know,

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when I think about who you

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are as a person,

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I think you're super

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creative and you are always

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just well put together.

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You have just an aesthetic about you.

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I mean,

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even when your hair is just up in a

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bun or whatever,

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you just always have a way

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of coordinating your clothes and

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textures and colors and

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makeup and all of that

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stuff thanks mom that's

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nice you're good at that

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stuff

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that sometimes when

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people ask me like what I

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do I tell them that I'm a

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fiber artist because I feel

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like that kind of is a good

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umbrella for all the things

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that I enjoy doing but you

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know I have one of those like chronic

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How hard could it be, Jeanne?

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Where if there's something I want to do,

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I'm just like, well,

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how hard could that be?

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I'll try it.

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Yes.

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Emmy is an excellent seamstress.

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She makes quilts and clothes.

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And she's considering opening a business.

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So I'm pretty excited about that.

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I think it's going to be super cool.

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It's a big dream.

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Yeah.

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Well, just to get started.

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So let's give the people a little context.

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You graduated high school in 2013, right?

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And then that was right

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about the time that they

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lowered the missionary age

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for sister missionaries from 21 to 19.

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and so you were 18 when you

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graduated from high school

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and so that meant that i

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think they made that

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announcement in the spring

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of 2013 if i remember

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correctly at that

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conference at general

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conference i think it was

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either that spring or the

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because i remember receiving

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a text from my seminary

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teacher at that time and

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she was very excited for

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all of the kids in our

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seminary class that could

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basically go on a mission

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right after high school if

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we wanted to because the

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the age was also lowered

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for young men from 19 to

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18. yeah so it was it was a

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year earlier for men and

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two years earlier for women

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And I do remember,

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I think maybe you are right

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about it being the fall.

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So that meant that when you

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graduated from high school,

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you could start the process

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right away of putting in

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your mission papers.

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Right.

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I didn't.

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But yes, I could have.

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You could have.

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Yeah.

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So can you talk a little bit

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about your excitement about the mission?

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Like, did it change?

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Did you want to go on a

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mission before the age change?

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Once the age change got announced,

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did that make you want to

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go more or sooner?

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Or what were your thoughts

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about the mission before

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the age change and then

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after it happened?

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I had never really

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considered going on a

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mission ever because 21

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felt really old to me.

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And I was hoping that I

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would either be like in

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college and like already a

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few years into college by

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that time or married or, you know,

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so a mission was never

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really on my radar.

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until they lowered the age.

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And then I kind of thought

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about it because so many

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people were excited.

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Now this is an option for you.

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Maybe you could do it.

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But honestly, at that time in my life,

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as an older teenager,

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I wasn't really super, I don't know,

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spiritually or emotionally

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invested in church.

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I don't know.

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I think I was attending

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church at that time because

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I knew it made you happy and

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it was kind of like a habit.

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Like this is just what we do

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on Sundays kind of thing.

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But I, I wouldn't say that I was

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I don't know, like into it,

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if that makes sense.

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Yeah.

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Which kind of surprises me

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to hear because up to that

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point you did all the

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things you were involved in

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everything church wise,

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you were very active.

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You went to every activity.

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you brought your friends to church.

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Several of your friends got

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baptized in high school

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because of your missionary efforts,

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you know,

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just bringing them to church and

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sharing the gospel with them.

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I think it was mostly that

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other people expected me to

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to be active and to do all the things.

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So, and it wasn't just you, it was like,

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you know, my grandparents,

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my young women's leaders,

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everybody kind of looked at

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me as the eldest of six as the, you know,

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you have to be the example

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for your younger siblings.

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And also there weren't very many, um,

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teenagers or youth, my age in our ward,

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in our congregation.

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So a lot of times I brought

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my friends just because I

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wanted to hang out with my friends.

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And so,

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You know,

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you expected me to go to youth

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group on Wednesday nights

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and all these activities and stuff.

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And so I was like, well,

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I may as well just bring a

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friend kind of thing.

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And it's interesting because

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I had a lot of friends that

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were much more like

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monetarily wealthy than I was.

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But I felt like most of them

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didn't really have like a

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spiritual background or a

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lot of emotional support at home.

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So they saw our family and

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the church as kind of this like really,

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you know, spiritual, uplifting place.

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It was like a gap in their

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lives that they didn't have.

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So they enjoyed coming with me.

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I never really like pushed

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my friends to join the church.

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to join the church, it was just like,

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this is what I'm doing.

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So if you want to be a part

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of my life and I spent so

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much of my time

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volunteering at church and going to the,

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you know,

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youth activities and all that

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stuff that it was like,

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if you want to spend time with me,

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this is what I'm doing.

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So come along kind of thing.

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Yeah.

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Okay,

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so Emmy portaled into a different

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dimension so that we could

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improve the sound quality a little bit.

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So that's why she looks different now.

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The visual quality isn't as good,

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but the sound quality is better.

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Yeah,

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you don't get that golden hour light

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on your face,

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but you still look beautiful.

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Thanks.

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Okay,

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so we were talking about you inviting

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your friends to church with you,

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and several of them got

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baptized while you were in high school.

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And so it was kind of

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surprising to me to hear

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that you hadn't really

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thought about going on a mission before.

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Yeah, I just...

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I think I brought my friends

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with me to church because I

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wanted to hang out with my friends.

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And they, I mean, they enjoyed it.

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They enjoyed spending time with me.

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So I think for some of them,

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it filled a gap that they

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didn't have in their lives

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because some of them

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weren't religious at all.

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Yeah.

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So...

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I think I mostly attended

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church at that time in my

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life because everybody expected me to,

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including you.

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And also at that time,

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Connor and Cassie were

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already like one foot out the door,

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if not out already.

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Out of the church.

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Out of the church.

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Yeah.

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And so I felt like I didn't

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want to be another one of

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your kids that was

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disappointing you in that way, I guess.

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You know, so.

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I hate that because.

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It wasn't that for me.

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It wasn't a disappointment

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in the way that I was

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disappointed in the kids

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who chose to leave.

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It was sort of just a

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continuation of being in

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the limbo state of not

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being married to somebody

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who was a member

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and not being married in the temple.

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Because in Mormonism,

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when you're not married in the temple,

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you're not sealed to your children.

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And so I never felt as

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though our family was like complete.

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And I also didn't feel when

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kids started to leave the church,

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I didn't feel any sort of

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angst about that

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spiritually because I was like, well,

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we were never sealed anyway.

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And I feel like God will

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just take care of it.

00:10:02.054 --> 00:10:02.594

You know, it's like,

00:10:02.634 --> 00:10:03.875

there's nothing I can do about it,

00:10:04.015 --> 00:10:04.255

you know?

00:10:05.056 --> 00:10:07.138

And I wasn't disappointed

00:10:07.618 --> 00:10:09.299

either in saying like, oh,

00:10:09.339 --> 00:10:11.543

I'm so disappointed in, you know,

00:10:11.743 --> 00:10:12.724

X kid for leaving the

00:10:12.764 --> 00:10:14.926

church that makes me think less of them.

00:10:15.886 --> 00:10:17.528

It really was more just like,

00:10:18.163 --> 00:10:19.163

especially with Connor,

00:10:19.183 --> 00:10:20.344

because he always was his

00:10:20.504 --> 00:10:21.824

own person anyway.

00:10:21.844 --> 00:10:23.285

He's so different from me

00:10:23.485 --> 00:10:24.445

and from the rest of you

00:10:24.465 --> 00:10:26.746

guys that it was like, he,

00:10:26.866 --> 00:10:27.806

this is who he is.

00:10:27.906 --> 00:10:29.486

Like he's an individual person.

00:10:29.526 --> 00:10:30.227

And there were so many

00:10:30.287 --> 00:10:31.427

things that I loved about

00:10:31.487 --> 00:10:33.468

him and still do obviously

00:10:33.948 --> 00:10:34.628

so many great

00:10:34.668 --> 00:10:35.888

characteristics that each of

00:10:35.928 --> 00:10:37.609

you have that to me,

00:10:38.509 --> 00:10:39.770

leaving the church was like

00:10:39.910 --> 00:10:41.451

a part of your personal journey.

00:10:42.471 --> 00:10:44.072

And there was also sort of

00:10:44.132 --> 00:10:46.513

like the Mormon part of me that was like,

00:10:46.814 --> 00:10:48.314

I did absolutely everything

00:10:48.334 --> 00:10:49.675

that I could to raise my

00:10:49.715 --> 00:10:50.575

kids in the church and

00:10:50.615 --> 00:10:51.536

teach them the gospel.

00:10:51.556 --> 00:10:52.897

And I know that

00:10:56.226 --> 00:10:59.168

that foundation is gonna be

00:10:59.229 --> 00:11:00.389

good enough of a spiritual

00:11:00.429 --> 00:11:01.530

foundation that God will

00:11:01.570 --> 00:11:03.232

take care of it after this life is over.

00:11:03.792 --> 00:11:06.154

I was really faithful about

00:11:06.274 --> 00:11:07.475

reading scriptures with you

00:11:07.515 --> 00:11:08.896

guys and trying to have

00:11:08.936 --> 00:11:10.077

family home evening as much

00:11:10.117 --> 00:11:12.239

as we could and taking you

00:11:12.259 --> 00:11:13.981

to church every single Sunday.

00:11:14.161 --> 00:11:15.962

And even when I was out of town or sick,

00:11:16.122 --> 00:11:17.083

I would get you guys a ride

00:11:17.123 --> 00:11:18.504

to church and make sure that you went.

00:11:18.564 --> 00:11:20.626

So I felt like I had done

00:11:20.666 --> 00:11:21.947

everything I could for you

00:11:22.027 --> 00:11:23.188

spiritually and the rest

00:11:23.248 --> 00:11:24.089

was up to you guys.

00:11:25.550 --> 00:11:27.091

You hear that phrase in the church a lot,

00:11:27.111 --> 00:11:28.392

the teach them correct

00:11:28.452 --> 00:11:29.372

principles and then let

00:11:29.412 --> 00:11:31.614

them govern themselves kind of thing,

00:11:32.354 --> 00:11:33.895

which honestly is not a bad

00:11:34.395 --> 00:11:35.976

philosophy to have as a parent.

00:11:36.677 --> 00:11:38.658

So that makes sense to me.

00:11:38.678 --> 00:11:39.698

Yeah.

00:11:39.758 --> 00:11:41.553

And the other one was raise

00:11:41.593 --> 00:11:43.875

them up in the ways of the Lord and love.

00:11:44.557 --> 00:11:46.417

they will not depart from it,

00:11:47.098 --> 00:11:49.718

that Bible verse.

00:11:50.218 --> 00:11:51.198

So those kind of things

00:11:51.258 --> 00:11:52.019

brought me comfort.

00:11:52.079 --> 00:11:52.779

And also,

00:11:53.719 --> 00:11:56.660

I had been so judged and so

00:11:57.080 --> 00:11:59.420

shamed by my parents when I

00:11:59.480 --> 00:12:01.421

didn't do things exactly

00:12:01.481 --> 00:12:03.121

right that I never wanted

00:12:03.161 --> 00:12:04.401

to treat you guys that way.

00:12:05.621 --> 00:12:08.122

So I had this view of you as

00:12:08.242 --> 00:12:10.022

individuals apart from me,

00:12:10.562 --> 00:12:12.463

and your choices didn't reflect on me.

00:12:14.264 --> 00:12:16.247

And so I, you know,

00:12:16.308 --> 00:12:18.190

I loved you no matter what kind of thing.

00:12:18.671 --> 00:12:18.972

Yeah,

00:12:19.032 --> 00:12:20.594

and I definitely didn't think that

00:12:20.634 --> 00:12:22.457

you would not love me or

00:12:22.517 --> 00:12:24.480

think less of me for not

00:12:24.520 --> 00:12:25.562

attending church anymore.

00:12:25.662 --> 00:12:26.183

I think it was...

00:12:27.254 --> 00:12:29.655

partially that this is just what you do.

00:12:29.755 --> 00:12:30.656

Like I didn't really know

00:12:30.736 --> 00:12:32.397

any other way because that

00:12:32.417 --> 00:12:33.577

was our community and that

00:12:33.597 --> 00:12:34.538

was where we spent so much

00:12:34.578 --> 00:12:35.599

of our time and we were so

00:12:35.639 --> 00:12:36.379

invested in it.

00:12:36.879 --> 00:12:39.181

So I think I attended because of that,

00:12:39.241 --> 00:12:41.722

but also because obviously

00:12:41.782 --> 00:12:43.463

I love you and you're my

00:12:43.503 --> 00:12:44.804

mom and I respect you and

00:12:46.004 --> 00:12:48.086

I could see that through a

00:12:48.947 --> 00:12:50.449

lot of adversity and things

00:12:50.489 --> 00:12:51.970

that happened in our life

00:12:52.110 --> 00:12:53.031

while I was growing up,

00:12:53.532 --> 00:12:54.653

the church was very much

00:12:54.893 --> 00:12:57.415

like a rock for you and a

00:12:57.455 --> 00:12:58.396

place where you could find

00:12:58.436 --> 00:13:00.538

solace and community and those things.

00:13:00.598 --> 00:13:03.521

And so I think in a way,

00:13:03.541 --> 00:13:05.623

I don't know that I ever

00:13:05.663 --> 00:13:06.204

would have put this

00:13:06.264 --> 00:13:07.325

together as a teenager,

00:13:07.405 --> 00:13:09.427

but looking back now, I think

00:13:10.474 --> 00:13:12.075

some part of me recognized

00:13:12.315 --> 00:13:14.156

that those were things I

00:13:14.196 --> 00:13:15.257

wanted in my life, too.

00:13:16.018 --> 00:13:18.459

So even if I wasn't like

00:13:18.519 --> 00:13:20.180

super gung ho on the gospel,

00:13:20.200 --> 00:13:23.122

I was I think I stayed in

00:13:23.162 --> 00:13:24.143

the church as long as I did

00:13:24.203 --> 00:13:25.303

because of the community

00:13:25.443 --> 00:13:27.625

aspect and because of the tradition.

00:13:27.705 --> 00:13:28.045

You know,

00:13:28.105 --> 00:13:29.266

this is our faith tradition in

00:13:29.306 --> 00:13:29.746

our family.

00:13:29.786 --> 00:13:30.426

This is what we do.

00:13:30.527 --> 00:13:32.568

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

00:13:33.208 --> 00:13:34.709

So what was it that that

00:13:34.789 --> 00:13:36.710

made you finally choose to

00:13:36.790 --> 00:13:37.391

serve a mission?

00:13:37.707 --> 00:13:39.154

that is a long story.

00:13:41.567 --> 00:13:41.669

Um,

00:13:42.049 --> 00:13:45.673

but basically to give you the spark

00:13:45.753 --> 00:13:47.535

notes version, um,

00:13:48.450 --> 00:13:49.671

At that time in my life.

00:13:49.731 --> 00:13:52.014

So I graduated high school in 2013,

00:13:52.014 --> 00:13:53.876

and then all of my friends

00:13:53.916 --> 00:13:55.578

pretty much went away to college either.

00:13:56.259 --> 00:13:58.060

out of state or far enough

00:13:58.140 --> 00:13:59.440

away that i wasn't seeing

00:13:59.480 --> 00:14:00.640

all of my friends anymore

00:14:00.780 --> 00:14:03.521

like day to day um so i

00:14:04.462 --> 00:14:05.762

started working i mean i

00:14:05.802 --> 00:14:06.742

had been working through my

00:14:06.782 --> 00:14:08.683

senior year and stuff but i

00:14:08.703 --> 00:14:09.763

was still living at home

00:14:09.823 --> 00:14:12.464

and then i was working for

00:14:12.564 --> 00:14:13.584

several months and it was

00:14:13.644 --> 00:14:14.285

the kind of thing where i

00:14:14.325 --> 00:14:15.265

would just like save enough

00:14:15.365 --> 00:14:17.246

up save up enough money to

00:14:17.306 --> 00:14:18.686

go travel somewhere and

00:14:18.706 --> 00:14:19.546

then i would come back home

00:14:19.586 --> 00:14:20.427

and save up enough money to

00:14:20.467 --> 00:14:21.167

go somewhere else and then

00:14:21.187 --> 00:14:21.807

come back home so

00:14:22.206 --> 00:14:23.267

I didn't really have a plan

00:14:23.347 --> 00:14:24.288

for going to school.

00:14:24.348 --> 00:14:25.268

There was nothing that I was

00:14:25.348 --> 00:14:26.469

particularly passionate

00:14:26.509 --> 00:14:28.791

about studying in a college setting.

00:14:29.772 --> 00:14:30.132

And also,

00:14:30.452 --> 00:14:31.933

we didn't have the money to send

00:14:31.953 --> 00:14:32.574

me to college.

00:14:33.114 --> 00:14:34.275

So I knew that if I was

00:14:34.315 --> 00:14:35.076

going to go to college,

00:14:35.176 --> 00:14:36.877

I would need to apply for student aid.

00:14:36.897 --> 00:14:38.438

I would need to pay for it myself.

00:14:39.019 --> 00:14:40.019

And that wasn't something

00:14:40.039 --> 00:14:40.960

that I was prepared to

00:14:41.020 --> 00:14:42.281

invest in at that time.

00:14:42.461 --> 00:14:46.044

So I was just kind of floating, I guess,

00:14:47.565 --> 00:14:48.486

working, dating,

00:14:49.783 --> 00:14:51.004

I got involved with some

00:14:51.424 --> 00:14:52.325

different boyfriends that

00:14:52.345 --> 00:14:53.966

were really not good for me.

00:14:53.986 --> 00:14:54.026

Um,

00:14:54.769 --> 00:14:59.593

but there was a point in the spring of

00:14:59.593 --> 00:15:01.555

2014 where I had been,

00:15:01.755 --> 00:15:03.096

I was working a job early

00:15:03.156 --> 00:15:04.177

mornings at a bakery.

00:15:04.237 --> 00:15:05.458

So I would get there at like

00:15:05.458 --> 00:15:08.400

2 AM and work until 8 AM.

00:15:08.600 --> 00:15:10.802

And then I would leave that job, come home,

00:15:10.902 --> 00:15:11.322

shower,

00:15:11.402 --> 00:15:13.264

get dressed and go to my other job,

00:15:13.684 --> 00:15:15.125

waiting tables and working

00:15:15.185 --> 00:15:16.907

the lunch shift at this little bistro.

00:15:18.305 --> 00:15:20.045

by our house and so and then

00:15:20.065 --> 00:15:21.026

i would get off of that job

00:15:21.086 --> 00:15:22.906

at 3 p.m and go home or you

00:15:22.926 --> 00:15:23.686

know whatever like i was

00:15:23.726 --> 00:15:24.867

just in the grind i was

00:15:24.947 --> 00:15:27.287

working so much and i just

00:15:27.347 --> 00:15:28.227

felt like i didn't really

00:15:28.247 --> 00:15:29.703

have a path or a purpose

00:15:29.910 --> 00:15:31.430

but a friend of yours i

00:15:32.751 --> 00:15:33.931

think or somebody that you

00:15:33.951 --> 00:15:34.671

knew through mutual

00:15:34.711 --> 00:15:36.412

acquaintance was talking

00:15:36.452 --> 00:15:38.452

about hiring an au pair for

00:15:38.492 --> 00:15:41.004

a family that lived in france and so

00:15:42.145 --> 00:15:43.325

We talked about that,

00:15:43.385 --> 00:15:44.186

and I got in touch with

00:15:44.206 --> 00:15:45.126

that family and thought,

00:15:45.146 --> 00:15:46.486

what a cool thing for me to do.

00:15:46.606 --> 00:15:47.627

I don't have a plan right now.

00:15:47.707 --> 00:15:48.447

I could move to France.

00:15:48.467 --> 00:15:49.327

I could study French,

00:15:50.247 --> 00:15:51.468

be a nanny for this family.

00:15:52.408 --> 00:15:53.348

So I started getting the

00:15:53.368 --> 00:15:54.789

paperwork together to do that.

00:15:55.169 --> 00:15:56.569

And at that time in my life,

00:15:56.869 --> 00:15:58.850

I wouldn't say that I was particularly

00:15:59.636 --> 00:16:01.878

devout as far as church went,

00:16:01.938 --> 00:16:03.119

but I knew that a big

00:16:03.159 --> 00:16:04.180

decision like that was

00:16:04.220 --> 00:16:05.321

something that I probably

00:16:05.361 --> 00:16:07.023

should pray about because I

00:16:07.063 --> 00:16:08.044

would be uprooting my whole

00:16:08.104 --> 00:16:09.165

life and moving to another

00:16:09.205 --> 00:16:09.986

country where I didn't

00:16:10.026 --> 00:16:10.806

speak the language and I

00:16:10.847 --> 00:16:11.707

didn't have a community.

00:16:11.861 --> 00:16:14.109

I would pray about it

00:16:14.189 --> 00:16:15.651

over the course of several weeks,

00:16:15.691 --> 00:16:15.991

you know,

00:16:16.031 --> 00:16:17.112

like whenever I would remember

00:16:17.172 --> 00:16:18.193

to say my prayers at night,

00:16:18.213 --> 00:16:18.914

I would just be like,

00:16:20.494 --> 00:16:21.034

heavenly father,

00:16:21.114 --> 00:16:22.295

please tell me if it's a

00:16:22.315 --> 00:16:23.576

good idea for me to go to France,

00:16:23.916 --> 00:16:24.197

you know,

00:16:24.237 --> 00:16:27.379

like in my nightly prayers or whatever.

00:16:27.919 --> 00:16:29.320

And I never received an

00:16:29.400 --> 00:16:30.381

answer to those prayers.

00:16:30.441 --> 00:16:31.842

And I remember feeling very

00:16:31.922 --> 00:16:32.983

frustrated by that.

00:16:33.843 --> 00:16:35.805

And it was like, you know,

00:16:35.825 --> 00:16:37.846

like they asked for, you know,

00:16:37.866 --> 00:16:38.967

I had to get a passport.

00:16:39.147 --> 00:16:39.467

They had,

00:16:39.567 --> 00:16:40.828

they asked for like my school

00:16:40.868 --> 00:16:42.429

transcripts from my French class,

00:16:42.869 --> 00:16:43.790

like all this stuff that I

00:16:43.830 --> 00:16:44.871

had to get together for them.

00:16:44.931 --> 00:16:47.292

And I was emailing back and forth and, um,

00:16:48.353 --> 00:16:49.753

I just still was like kind

00:16:49.793 --> 00:16:50.693

of on the fence about it.

00:16:50.913 --> 00:16:51.254

You know,

00:16:51.654 --> 00:16:53.114

I'm not really sure if I should go.

00:16:53.274 --> 00:16:54.674

It seems like it would be really fun,

00:16:54.754 --> 00:16:55.634

but I wanted that.

00:16:55.674 --> 00:16:55.974

Yes,

00:16:56.795 --> 00:16:59.135

I wanted that like that feeling that

00:16:59.175 --> 00:17:00.115

everybody talked about at

00:17:00.175 --> 00:17:01.375

church where like you just

00:17:01.415 --> 00:17:02.215

know that it's the right

00:17:02.315 --> 00:17:03.696

thing and whatever.

00:17:03.756 --> 00:17:05.156

And I just never got that.

00:17:05.356 --> 00:17:07.347

And so I remember being very

00:17:07.407 --> 00:17:09.147

frustrated and I came home

00:17:09.247 --> 00:17:11.467

one night super late from

00:17:11.727 --> 00:17:13.028

some party or something,

00:17:13.808 --> 00:17:15.028

and I was just feeling like,

00:17:16.506 --> 00:17:17.406

I remember being really

00:17:17.526 --> 00:17:19.006

angry at God and being like,

00:17:19.987 --> 00:17:21.267

just tell me what the right

00:17:21.307 --> 00:17:21.967

thing to do is.

00:17:22.287 --> 00:17:23.247

I don't care what it is.

00:17:23.427 --> 00:17:24.688

If I'm supposed to go to France,

00:17:24.888 --> 00:17:25.548

I'll go to France.

00:17:25.688 --> 00:17:27.008

If I'm not supposed to go to France,

00:17:27.128 --> 00:17:28.068

please tell me that.

00:17:28.648 --> 00:17:30.509

I just want to do what you want me to do,

00:17:30.529 --> 00:17:32.749

is what I said in that prayer.

00:17:33.629 --> 00:17:35.870

And then the following week

00:17:35.930 --> 00:17:36.670

or the next day,

00:17:36.690 --> 00:17:38.430

I can't remember exactly the timing of it,

00:17:38.711 --> 00:17:40.432

this woman in our ward,

00:17:40.912 --> 00:17:41.752

in our congregation,

00:17:42.996 --> 00:17:43.636

texted me,

00:17:43.676 --> 00:17:44.857

I guess you had given her my

00:17:44.897 --> 00:17:46.618

number because she needed a babysitter.

00:17:47.217 --> 00:17:48.657

And so that was how Amanda

00:17:48.978 --> 00:17:49.838

entered my life.

00:17:50.318 --> 00:17:51.299

I got to know Amanda.

00:17:51.359 --> 00:17:52.339

She had four kids.

00:17:52.599 --> 00:17:53.140

She needed

00:17:54.425 --> 00:17:56.066

help with them because her

00:17:56.106 --> 00:17:57.887

husband I think was deployed at the time.

00:17:57.907 --> 00:17:58.648

Yeah.

00:17:58.668 --> 00:17:59.103

So,

00:17:59.163 --> 00:18:01.344

she hired me to babysit for her a

00:18:01.384 --> 00:18:02.265

few times and we got to

00:18:02.305 --> 00:18:03.266

know each other and she,

00:18:03.526 --> 00:18:05.207

her family was like the

00:18:05.247 --> 00:18:06.788

perfect Mormon family.

00:18:07.128 --> 00:18:08.209

It was like they got married

00:18:08.229 --> 00:18:08.849

in the temple.

00:18:09.110 --> 00:18:10.450

Both her and her husband had

00:18:10.490 --> 00:18:11.291

served missions.

00:18:11.371 --> 00:18:12.492

They were raising these four

00:18:12.552 --> 00:18:13.973

kids in the gospel, um,

00:18:14.593 --> 00:18:17.737

They both came from very devout families.

00:18:17.858 --> 00:18:18.599

So they had a lot of

00:18:18.659 --> 00:18:19.900

extended family that were members.

00:18:20.020 --> 00:18:20.922

And it was like the first

00:18:20.942 --> 00:18:22.584

time in my life where I had

00:18:22.824 --> 00:18:26.349

seen a family up close like that,

00:18:26.509 --> 00:18:26.749

you know,

00:18:26.789 --> 00:18:27.831

because when you're working as a

00:18:27.851 --> 00:18:28.692

nanny for somebody,

00:18:28.932 --> 00:18:30.474

you get to know their

00:18:30.514 --> 00:18:31.676

family very intimately.

00:18:32.706 --> 00:18:34.007

For better or for worse.

00:18:34.287 --> 00:18:35.667

So I was, you know,

00:18:36.008 --> 00:18:37.608

in their home every single day.

00:18:37.628 --> 00:18:40.409

And I saw the gospel,

00:18:40.509 --> 00:18:41.730

like this whole message

00:18:41.810 --> 00:18:42.850

that the church teaches

00:18:43.230 --> 00:18:44.551

working for a family.

00:18:44.631 --> 00:18:46.152

And I was like, wow, this is amazing,

00:18:46.212 --> 00:18:46.932

because growing up.

00:18:47.672 --> 00:18:49.332

you know, dad wasn't active.

00:18:49.552 --> 00:18:50.593

And so it always kind of

00:18:50.613 --> 00:18:51.893

felt like our family was on

00:18:51.933 --> 00:18:55.014

the outs of our church community.

00:18:55.914 --> 00:18:57.594

And even though we attended

00:18:57.634 --> 00:18:58.814

and we did all the right things,

00:18:59.074 --> 00:19:00.255

dad didn't attend with us.

00:19:00.615 --> 00:19:03.795

And that was a huge hole in

00:19:03.855 --> 00:19:04.476

our whole thing.

00:19:05.096 --> 00:19:06.956

So I was at Amanda's house all the time.

00:19:06.976 --> 00:19:08.496

We got to talking a bunch

00:19:08.556 --> 00:19:09.477

because Amanda's really

00:19:09.497 --> 00:19:10.477

great at asking people

00:19:10.517 --> 00:19:11.357

personal questions.

00:19:11.908 --> 00:19:13.549

which I honestly, I love that about her.

00:19:13.629 --> 00:19:15.069

She's very direct and very blunt.

00:19:15.109 --> 00:19:16.850

And I remember her asking me one time,

00:19:17.090 --> 00:19:17.250

like,

00:19:18.151 --> 00:19:18.891

what are you doing with your life

00:19:18.911 --> 00:19:19.191

right now?

00:19:20.032 --> 00:19:21.953

Like, why aren't you in school?

00:19:22.073 --> 00:19:23.233

Why aren't you, you know, like,

00:19:23.253 --> 00:19:23.914

what are you doing?

00:19:23.974 --> 00:19:25.695

And I was like, I don't know, you know,

00:19:25.775 --> 00:19:27.976

and she and I had a lot of

00:19:28.036 --> 00:19:28.996

similar interests and we

00:19:29.036 --> 00:19:30.057

became really good friends.

00:19:30.117 --> 00:19:31.117

And she was honestly kind of

00:19:31.157 --> 00:19:32.538

like an older sister to me.

00:19:32.618 --> 00:19:33.639

I think she was in her, like,

00:19:35.279 --> 00:19:36.860

she was like a young 30

00:19:36.860 --> 00:19:38.461

something at that time, you know, so.

00:19:39.429 --> 00:19:42.570

she kind of pushed me and encouraged me

00:19:42.631 --> 00:19:44.391

to like have some kind of plan.

00:19:44.451 --> 00:19:45.652

And then one day I was at

00:19:45.712 --> 00:19:46.853

her house and she was like,

00:19:48.193 --> 00:19:49.194

why don't you go on a mission?

00:19:49.714 --> 00:19:49.894

Like,

00:19:50.835 --> 00:19:51.995

have you ever thought about going on

00:19:52.015 --> 00:19:52.376

a mission?

00:19:53.776 --> 00:19:58.139

And I was like, no, not really.

00:19:58.539 --> 00:20:00.160

Because at that time in my life,

00:20:00.240 --> 00:20:02.181

I wasn't considered worthy to go.

00:20:03.061 --> 00:20:04.522

like I had, you know,

00:20:04.542 --> 00:20:06.222

I had had premarital sex.

00:20:06.382 --> 00:20:08.563

I was like dating, I was drinking.

00:20:08.663 --> 00:20:09.724

I was like doing all the

00:20:09.744 --> 00:20:10.644

things you're not supposed

00:20:10.664 --> 00:20:12.565

to do as a young, you know,

00:20:13.145 --> 00:20:13.765

church member.

00:20:13.785 --> 00:20:16.606

And like those things would

00:20:16.626 --> 00:20:17.627

have prevented me from

00:20:17.647 --> 00:20:18.807

getting a temple recommend

00:20:18.847 --> 00:20:20.688

and prevented me from being

00:20:20.728 --> 00:20:21.888

worthy to go on a mission.

00:20:21.968 --> 00:20:23.909

So I was like, even if I wanted to,

00:20:24.269 --> 00:20:25.109

they wouldn't let me go.

00:20:25.129 --> 00:20:26.450

I can't, you know?

00:20:27.590 --> 00:20:29.231

And she was like, well,

00:20:30.229 --> 00:20:32.230

And this story is so crazy to me now,

00:20:32.310 --> 00:20:33.030

like hearing it,

00:20:33.370 --> 00:20:35.471

hearing myself say it out loud.

00:20:36.611 --> 00:20:37.171

She was like,

00:20:37.491 --> 00:20:41.272

my dad called me the other

00:20:41.312 --> 00:20:44.473

day and Amanda's dad is

00:20:44.773 --> 00:20:45.714

very much like the

00:20:45.774 --> 00:20:47.414

patriarch of their family.

00:20:47.614 --> 00:20:48.154

He's like,

00:20:49.655 --> 00:20:52.315

he presides over everybody spiritually.

00:20:52.475 --> 00:20:53.716

He often gives-

00:20:55.171 --> 00:20:56.753

Even the adult children,

00:20:56.793 --> 00:20:57.753

I just want to point out

00:20:57.853 --> 00:20:59.635

that all of his children are grown,

00:20:59.655 --> 00:21:01.956

they're adults, they have their own lives,

00:21:02.056 --> 00:21:04.458

but he was still very much

00:21:04.538 --> 00:21:06.700

controlling everything that they did.

00:21:07.359 --> 00:21:08.600

I wouldn't say controlling,

00:21:08.660 --> 00:21:10.901

but he's like presiding over them.

00:21:10.961 --> 00:21:12.041

Advising.

00:21:12.181 --> 00:21:12.722

Yes.

00:21:13.122 --> 00:21:13.802

All his kids.

00:21:13.882 --> 00:21:15.163

I mean, I love Simon too.

00:21:15.543 --> 00:21:16.864

All of his kids love him.

00:21:17.324 --> 00:21:18.945

They all look to him for advice,

00:21:18.985 --> 00:21:20.565

whether it's spiritual, financial.

00:21:20.645 --> 00:21:23.387

I mean, like he's a great dad, you know?

00:21:23.507 --> 00:21:26.028

And so she, she said, well,

00:21:26.088 --> 00:21:27.189

my dad called me the other

00:21:27.229 --> 00:21:30.456

day and told me that he had

00:21:30.496 --> 00:21:32.778

a dream or some kind of, you know,

00:21:32.878 --> 00:21:33.698

spiritual thing.

00:21:34.409 --> 00:21:35.750

experience where he felt

00:21:35.770 --> 00:21:36.911

like there is a young woman

00:21:37.031 --> 00:21:38.512

in your ward that needs to

00:21:38.552 --> 00:21:39.253

go on a mission.

00:21:40.373 --> 00:21:41.854

I'm going to pay for her to

00:21:41.914 --> 00:21:43.576

be your nanny so that she

00:21:43.616 --> 00:21:46.138

can earn the money to go on a mission.

00:21:46.838 --> 00:21:47.739

I don't know who it is.

00:21:48.119 --> 00:21:49.920

I'm sure you know who this person is,

00:21:50.521 --> 00:21:52.382

but as soon as you figure that out,

00:21:52.462 --> 00:21:53.003

let me know.

00:21:53.023 --> 00:21:55.825

Mom and I will pay her to be

00:21:55.845 --> 00:21:57.386

your nanny full time so

00:21:57.406 --> 00:21:58.446

that she can earn her money

00:21:58.486 --> 00:21:59.047

for her mission.

00:22:01.151 --> 00:22:03.012

And so Amanda told me this,

00:22:03.853 --> 00:22:05.974

and I remember like very vividly,

00:22:05.994 --> 00:22:07.454

I was sitting at a stool on

00:22:07.514 --> 00:22:08.735

her kitchen counter.

00:22:09.816 --> 00:22:11.096

And as soon as those words

00:22:11.176 --> 00:22:12.217

came out of her mouth,

00:22:12.517 --> 00:22:15.178

I just had this crazy,

00:22:15.378 --> 00:22:17.680

like eye-opening spiritual

00:22:18.580 --> 00:22:19.841

experience where I felt

00:22:19.881 --> 00:22:21.662

like this is the answer to my prayer.

00:22:21.682 --> 00:22:24.043

This is what God wants me to do.

00:22:24.323 --> 00:22:25.864

He's created a way for me to

00:22:25.904 --> 00:22:27.585

do it because also missions

00:22:27.625 --> 00:22:29.626

are a huge financial commitment as well.

00:22:30.426 --> 00:22:31.988

And I knew that I wouldn't

00:22:32.028 --> 00:22:33.349

be able to pay for it.

00:22:34.610 --> 00:22:36.611

Even if I did want to go or

00:22:37.012 --> 00:22:38.353

even if they would let me go,

00:22:38.373 --> 00:22:40.895

I wouldn't be able to pay for it either.

00:22:41.235 --> 00:22:43.477

So it kind of just felt like

00:22:43.577 --> 00:22:44.398

one of those moments where

00:22:44.498 --> 00:22:45.659

all the puzzle pieces start

00:22:45.679 --> 00:22:46.440

to fall into place.

00:22:47.380 --> 00:22:49.181

I truly really deeply felt

00:22:49.241 --> 00:22:50.921

like God is aware of me.

00:22:51.101 --> 00:22:52.442

He's placed these people in

00:22:52.502 --> 00:22:54.543

my life to help me do this.

00:22:54.743 --> 00:22:56.303

This is what he wants me to do.

00:22:57.003 --> 00:22:58.584

It felt very right to me.

00:22:58.804 --> 00:23:00.505

I was bawling, crying.

00:23:01.025 --> 00:23:02.365

I was just like so

00:23:02.525 --> 00:23:04.426

overwhelmed by the spirit

00:23:04.586 --> 00:23:06.307

and just had all these warm feelings.

00:23:06.327 --> 00:23:07.027

Like that,

00:23:07.167 --> 00:23:08.747

that feeling that I kept waiting for,

00:23:09.388 --> 00:23:10.728

that was the feeling was like,

00:23:11.008 --> 00:23:11.628

I need to go.

00:23:11.728 --> 00:23:12.389

I have to go.

00:23:13.109 --> 00:23:14.389

This is my confirmation from

00:23:14.449 --> 00:23:15.350

God that this is what I'm

00:23:15.370 --> 00:23:16.370

supposed to do with my life.

00:23:18.675 --> 00:23:20.957

I remember you talking about

00:23:20.997 --> 00:23:22.218

this at the time and I

00:23:22.258 --> 00:23:24.340

remember thinking what a

00:23:24.380 --> 00:23:26.042

blessing it was that you

00:23:26.142 --> 00:23:28.404

had Amanda in your life and

00:23:28.444 --> 00:23:30.305

that she was a good mentor

00:23:30.325 --> 00:23:32.748

to you and how generous it

00:23:32.808 --> 00:23:36.231

was of Simon to basically pay you back.

00:23:36.751 --> 00:23:38.172

to be his daughter's nanny.

00:23:39.994 --> 00:23:42.135

Looking back on it now, well,

00:23:42.896 --> 00:23:44.597

the thing that always kind

00:23:44.617 --> 00:23:46.719

of bothered me is that after the fact,

00:23:46.899 --> 00:23:48.520

once you did go on your mission,

00:23:48.560 --> 00:23:49.841

and even after you came home,

00:23:49.881 --> 00:23:50.542

and then when you got

00:23:50.582 --> 00:23:51.462

married and everything,

00:23:52.103 --> 00:23:55.345

Amanda would always say, like, it was,

00:23:55.466 --> 00:23:56.686

quote, Amanda saying,

00:23:57.227 --> 00:23:58.968

I single-handedly got Emmy

00:23:59.108 --> 00:23:59.649

on her mission.

00:24:00.604 --> 00:24:00.864

Yes.

00:24:00.924 --> 00:24:02.786

I remember her saying that she took,

00:24:02.886 --> 00:24:04.487

she took all the credit for that,

00:24:04.547 --> 00:24:07.169

which when you tell this story, yeah,

00:24:07.229 --> 00:24:09.171

that that's a big deal, you know, for,

00:24:09.551 --> 00:24:10.892

for all of those

00:24:10.932 --> 00:24:12.033

circumstances to come

00:24:12.073 --> 00:24:13.694

together so that you could do that.

00:24:14.434 --> 00:24:14.875

And she,

00:24:15.355 --> 00:24:17.397

she did mentor you through that

00:24:17.497 --> 00:24:18.798

and she did suggest it.

00:24:18.858 --> 00:24:20.899

And she was the, like the advocate of it.

00:24:21.320 --> 00:24:23.541

But I always felt really

00:24:24.502 --> 00:24:25.883

angry whenever she said that,

00:24:26.083 --> 00:24:27.624

because I was like,

00:24:28.705 --> 00:24:30.508

This is my daughter who I

00:24:30.568 --> 00:24:33.994

raised and almost

00:24:34.094 --> 00:24:35.496

single-handedly because dad

00:24:35.536 --> 00:24:37.098

wasn't super involved, you know?

00:24:37.118 --> 00:24:39.061

I would say single-handedly, yes.

00:24:39.282 --> 00:24:40.804

You know, I'm the one who...

00:24:41.793 --> 00:24:42.053

You know,

00:24:42.093 --> 00:24:43.736

gave her a spiritual foundation

00:24:43.796 --> 00:24:45.037

and nurtured her through

00:24:45.057 --> 00:24:46.419

the gospel and all of that stuff.

00:24:46.479 --> 00:24:48.342

And so but that I didn't get

00:24:48.382 --> 00:24:50.645

any credit for that because

00:24:50.685 --> 00:24:51.726

she was the one who got you

00:24:51.947 --> 00:24:52.868

over the finish line.

00:24:53.048 --> 00:24:54.050

You know, I guess so.

00:24:54.110 --> 00:24:54.550

Yeah.

00:24:54.750 --> 00:24:55.832

And I actually have talked

00:24:55.872 --> 00:24:57.054

to her about that since

00:24:57.134 --> 00:24:58.976

then and let her know that.

00:24:59.877 --> 00:25:01.519

I was the one that got me on my mission.

00:25:02.299 --> 00:25:04.021

I was the one that made the sacrifices.

00:25:04.041 --> 00:25:05.402

I was the one that had to

00:25:05.502 --> 00:25:08.285

pull my life together to be ready to go,

00:25:08.305 --> 00:25:10.567

to be financially ready to go.

00:25:10.727 --> 00:25:12.449

And Amanda did hold my hand

00:25:12.469 --> 00:25:13.469

through a lot of those things.

00:25:13.509 --> 00:25:14.911

She helped me get my papers in.

00:25:15.571 --> 00:25:16.912

She helped me kind of figure

00:25:16.952 --> 00:25:18.333

out my finances because I

00:25:18.353 --> 00:25:19.474

didn't know anything about money.

00:25:19.694 --> 00:25:21.996

I mean, like we didn't have any, you know,

00:25:22.076 --> 00:25:23.797

so as soon as I would earn money,

00:25:23.838 --> 00:25:24.638

I would spend it on

00:25:24.658 --> 00:25:26.079

whatever it was I needed at the time.

00:25:26.600 --> 00:25:28.261

And so she helped me figure

00:25:28.281 --> 00:25:29.682

out a plan for saving the money.

00:25:29.842 --> 00:25:31.603

I had to get my wisdom teeth removed.

00:25:31.723 --> 00:25:32.964

I had to do all these things

00:25:33.305 --> 00:25:34.826

spiritually to prepare or whatever.

00:25:35.486 --> 00:25:37.988

And at that time you were

00:25:38.048 --> 00:25:40.609

teaching full time and you

00:25:40.649 --> 00:25:42.150

weren't super available to

00:25:42.190 --> 00:25:43.071

help me with that stuff.

00:25:43.431 --> 00:25:43.891

So,

00:25:44.751 --> 00:25:46.993

and I was with Amanda for like 10 to 12

00:25:46.993 --> 00:25:47.613

hours a day.

00:25:47.753 --> 00:25:49.874

Like I wasn't just the nanny,

00:25:49.954 --> 00:25:51.435

like nine to five.

00:25:51.555 --> 00:25:52.856

Like I would get there right

00:25:53.817 --> 00:25:54.537

before her kids,

00:25:54.657 --> 00:25:55.578

like I would get her kids

00:25:55.618 --> 00:25:56.258

ready for school.

00:25:56.318 --> 00:25:57.479

I would take them to school,

00:25:57.639 --> 00:25:58.579

come back to her house,

00:25:58.619 --> 00:25:59.660

take care of the baby.

00:25:59.740 --> 00:26:00.600

We would do all the meal

00:26:00.620 --> 00:26:01.341

prep and all that stuff.

00:26:01.361 --> 00:26:02.201

And I wasn't leaving her

00:26:02.241 --> 00:26:02.902

house until like 10 p.m.

00:26:03.843 --> 00:26:06.284

So I was there for really long days, um,

00:26:07.444 --> 00:26:08.545

and they paid me well for

00:26:08.645 --> 00:26:10.085

it and they were really great.

00:26:10.205 --> 00:26:12.186

And I would never be anybody else's nanny.

00:26:12.326 --> 00:26:14.187

I've quickly learned that our family,

00:26:14.367 --> 00:26:16.027

their family just meshed well with me,

00:26:16.127 --> 00:26:17.968

but I'm not a good nanny to other people.

00:26:18.668 --> 00:26:18.928

Yeah.

00:26:19.729 --> 00:26:19.949

Yeah.

00:26:20.049 --> 00:26:22.089

And also I wasn't just teaching full time.

00:26:22.129 --> 00:26:23.510

I was teaching choir full time.

00:26:24.129 --> 00:26:26.611

And so I had before school

00:26:26.651 --> 00:26:29.114

rehearsals and after school rehearsals.

00:26:29.774 --> 00:26:30.975

And then on the weekends,

00:26:31.035 --> 00:26:32.517

I was judging competitions.

00:26:32.857 --> 00:26:34.458

And then we also had

00:26:34.539 --> 00:26:36.801

concerts to prepare for and competitions.

00:26:36.901 --> 00:26:39.463

And so it was like being a

00:26:39.523 --> 00:26:40.564

teacher and then also

00:26:40.644 --> 00:26:42.426

running a major club or a

00:26:42.486 --> 00:26:44.527

sports program or something as well.

00:26:44.547 --> 00:26:45.809

And you had five other kids.

00:26:45.829 --> 00:26:45.889

Yes.

00:26:46.469 --> 00:26:46.989

Exactly.

00:26:47.009 --> 00:26:47.730

Yeah.

00:26:47.790 --> 00:26:51.232

So and at the time, so this was 2015,

00:26:51.232 --> 00:26:51.452

right?

00:26:51.472 --> 00:26:51.452

14.

00:26:51.912 --> 00:26:53.333

It was the spring of 2014.

00:26:53.373 --> 00:26:55.294

Spring and summer.

00:26:55.894 --> 00:26:57.975

And so at this time, Felicia,

00:26:58.035 --> 00:27:00.417

my youngest was three years old.

00:27:01.617 --> 00:27:02.818

And I remember taking her to

00:27:02.838 --> 00:27:04.679

preschool and my little firebird,

00:27:04.779 --> 00:27:05.880

I would put her car seat in

00:27:05.900 --> 00:27:07.781

the back of my crappy car.

00:27:07.801 --> 00:27:08.381

Yeah.

00:27:09.101 --> 00:27:09.322

Yeah.

00:27:09.362 --> 00:27:10.803

So she was in preschool.

00:27:12.384 --> 00:27:14.006

Lucas was in elementary school.

00:27:14.826 --> 00:27:16.047

Rachel and Cassie were in

00:27:16.087 --> 00:27:18.009

middle school and Connor

00:27:18.029 --> 00:27:18.970

was in high school and you

00:27:19.010 --> 00:27:19.991

had just graduated.

00:27:20.551 --> 00:27:21.692

And Connor was having a lot

00:27:21.712 --> 00:27:23.574

of problems in school and

00:27:23.634 --> 00:27:25.395

with his friend group and

00:27:25.775 --> 00:27:26.476

all of that stuff.

00:27:26.496 --> 00:27:26.776

Yeah.

00:27:26.896 --> 00:27:28.197

And he he ended up.

00:27:29.197 --> 00:27:31.540

um graduating early moving

00:27:31.680 --> 00:27:33.362

out early and so by this

00:27:33.422 --> 00:27:34.644

time i think this might

00:27:34.664 --> 00:27:35.565

have been the period of

00:27:35.605 --> 00:27:37.227

time where connor didn't

00:27:37.267 --> 00:27:38.969

talk to us for like 18

00:27:38.969 --> 00:27:39.850

months i didn't even know

00:27:39.890 --> 00:27:41.572

where he was living right

00:27:41.712 --> 00:27:42.673

so pretty much the whole

00:27:42.693 --> 00:27:43.855

time i was on my mission

00:27:44.375 --> 00:27:47.118

Yeah, it was a really busy, crazy time.

00:27:47.218 --> 00:27:49.680

And I also had recently gone

00:27:49.740 --> 00:27:51.362

no contact with mom and dad,

00:27:52.203 --> 00:27:52.904

my mom and dad.

00:27:53.404 --> 00:27:53.644

Yes.

00:27:53.945 --> 00:27:55.366

So Grammy and Papa to you.

00:27:55.486 --> 00:27:57.588

So I didn't have a lot of

00:27:57.648 --> 00:27:59.530

support outside anyway.

00:27:59.570 --> 00:28:01.732

So this was a crazy time for our family.

00:28:01.752 --> 00:28:01.953

Right.

00:28:02.834 --> 00:28:04.736

And I felt like you going on

00:28:04.776 --> 00:28:06.238

a mission was a huge blessing.

00:28:06.338 --> 00:28:07.159

And this is also what

00:28:07.219 --> 00:28:08.781

everybody in the ward told me, too.

00:28:09.301 --> 00:28:10.763

And what my parents told me, too,

00:28:10.883 --> 00:28:12.785

is that like me going on a

00:28:12.825 --> 00:28:14.607

mission is going to bless

00:28:14.627 --> 00:28:16.309

your life so much that it

00:28:16.329 --> 00:28:17.690

was like people implied

00:28:17.750 --> 00:28:18.691

that everything that's

00:28:18.731 --> 00:28:19.993

tumultuous about your life

00:28:20.053 --> 00:28:20.814

right now is going to be

00:28:20.894 --> 00:28:21.695

fixed because your

00:28:21.715 --> 00:28:22.556

daughter's on a mission.

00:28:23.813 --> 00:28:24.814

I remember them telling me

00:28:24.854 --> 00:28:25.594

those things too.

00:28:25.894 --> 00:28:27.215

Your family will be blessed.

00:28:27.915 --> 00:28:29.055

And this is a piece that we

00:28:29.095 --> 00:28:30.016

haven't talked about yet,

00:28:30.096 --> 00:28:31.817

but my patriarchal blessing,

00:28:32.377 --> 00:28:33.157

which I don't really know

00:28:33.197 --> 00:28:34.057

how to explain that to

00:28:34.077 --> 00:28:35.518

somebody that's never been Mormon,

00:28:36.138 --> 00:28:38.099

but it's basically like,

00:28:38.864 --> 00:28:39.525

I don't even know how

00:28:39.565 --> 00:28:40.685

patriarchs are appointed.

00:28:40.765 --> 00:28:42.126

Is that by the state president?

00:28:42.226 --> 00:28:43.646

I don't know.

00:28:43.986 --> 00:28:45.707

So patriarchs are called and

00:28:46.027 --> 00:28:47.248

it's like a lifelong calling.

00:28:47.348 --> 00:28:48.668

Once you get called as a patriarch,

00:28:48.708 --> 00:28:50.409

you're a patriarch until you die.

00:28:51.605 --> 00:28:53.106

And I think they have to be

00:28:53.287 --> 00:28:55.148

appointed by an area president.

00:28:55.248 --> 00:28:56.929

I don't know for sure if that's the case.

00:28:56.989 --> 00:28:58.049

But anyway,

00:28:58.089 --> 00:29:00.171

the patriarch is in charge of

00:29:00.251 --> 00:29:03.433

giving blessings to each of the, you know,

00:29:03.473 --> 00:29:04.293

the young people.

00:29:04.453 --> 00:29:05.794

And the idea is you're

00:29:05.814 --> 00:29:06.755

supposed to get your

00:29:06.775 --> 00:29:07.855

patriarchal blessing as

00:29:08.196 --> 00:29:09.376

early in life as you can,

00:29:09.416 --> 00:29:11.357

because it's supposed to be a guide for.

00:29:12.418 --> 00:29:13.358

what you're going to do with

00:29:13.399 --> 00:29:14.279

the rest of your life.

00:29:14.339 --> 00:29:15.279

A lot of patriarchal

00:29:15.299 --> 00:29:17.140

blessings talk about what

00:29:17.260 --> 00:29:18.981

kind of a career that you'll have,

00:29:19.061 --> 00:29:20.322

like in vague terms,

00:29:20.402 --> 00:29:21.362

like it'll say something

00:29:21.422 --> 00:29:22.963

like you're going to spend

00:29:22.983 --> 00:29:24.864

your life helping people

00:29:24.904 --> 00:29:25.604

with their health.

00:29:25.764 --> 00:29:26.764

And then somebody will go

00:29:26.804 --> 00:29:28.465

and get a nursing degree because of that,

00:29:28.585 --> 00:29:28.865

you know?

00:29:29.085 --> 00:29:29.326

Yes.

00:29:29.766 --> 00:29:31.406

So it's sort of like a fortune.

00:29:31.446 --> 00:29:32.427

It's sort of like a fortune.

00:29:32.887 --> 00:29:35.008

it kind of is honestly and i

00:29:35.289 --> 00:29:36.529

i can't remember exactly i

00:29:36.549 --> 00:29:37.710

think i got my patriarchal

00:29:37.730 --> 00:29:38.871

blessing maybe my senior

00:29:38.911 --> 00:29:40.332

year of high school because

00:29:40.592 --> 00:29:41.352

even though they want you

00:29:41.372 --> 00:29:42.493

to get it as early as you

00:29:42.513 --> 00:29:43.754

can they also want you to

00:29:43.794 --> 00:29:45.255

be like spiritually

00:29:45.315 --> 00:29:46.956

prepared to receive your

00:29:46.976 --> 00:29:48.877

picture and worthy and you

00:29:49.017 --> 00:29:50.438

know all that stuff so i

00:29:50.478 --> 00:29:51.619

think i got it maybe my

00:29:51.679 --> 00:29:52.760

junior senior year of high

00:29:52.800 --> 00:29:54.601

school and usually they're

00:29:54.641 --> 00:29:55.862

just like two or three

00:29:55.902 --> 00:29:57.643

paragraphs long some of

00:29:57.663 --> 00:29:59.564

them are very short maybe one paragraph

00:30:00.032 --> 00:30:01.253

My patriarchal blessing was

00:30:01.393 --> 00:30:02.793

four pages long.

00:30:02.853 --> 00:30:03.073

Yeah.

00:30:03.233 --> 00:30:04.594

It was extremely long.

00:30:04.634 --> 00:30:06.215

I've never met anybody else

00:30:06.535 --> 00:30:07.961

who has a blessing that long.

00:30:08.167 --> 00:30:09.848

was it hassle that gave you yours?

00:30:09.888 --> 00:30:10.188

Yes.

00:30:10.508 --> 00:30:10.829

Yeah.

00:30:11.489 --> 00:30:12.409

And one of the things,

00:30:12.549 --> 00:30:13.590

one of the lines in my

00:30:13.710 --> 00:30:14.770

patriarchal blessing was

00:30:15.050 --> 00:30:16.551

your mission will introduce

00:30:16.611 --> 00:30:18.172

you to foreign lands and places.

00:30:19.255 --> 00:30:20.335

And at that time,

00:30:20.375 --> 00:30:21.956

I was not planning on serving a mission.

00:30:22.056 --> 00:30:22.776

So, again,

00:30:22.816 --> 00:30:23.796

when I had this spiritual

00:30:23.836 --> 00:30:25.776

experience with Amanda, I was like, oh,

00:30:25.836 --> 00:30:26.796

this makes sense now.

00:30:27.116 --> 00:30:28.297

I am going to go on a mission.

00:30:28.737 --> 00:30:29.797

And I was convinced that I

00:30:29.837 --> 00:30:30.897

was going to get called to, like,

00:30:30.937 --> 00:30:32.437

Germany or, you know,

00:30:32.557 --> 00:30:34.298

someplace foreign because

00:30:34.338 --> 00:30:35.458

of my patriarchal blessing.

00:30:36.298 --> 00:30:37.198

And there was also an

00:30:37.278 --> 00:30:39.476

implication that dad would

00:30:40.376 --> 00:30:41.996

come back to church if you

00:30:42.036 --> 00:30:42.796

went on your mission.

00:30:42.816 --> 00:30:44.777

Well, not dad specifically.

00:30:45.037 --> 00:30:45.837

It was that...

00:30:47.020 --> 00:30:50.141

I would be the example and I

00:30:50.181 --> 00:30:51.841

would bring my family back

00:30:52.042 --> 00:30:52.942

into the gospel.

00:30:53.722 --> 00:30:55.483

It was, it was a lot of pressure.

00:30:55.603 --> 00:30:57.123

I remember feeling a lot of pressure.

00:30:57.223 --> 00:30:58.323

Like I'm the one,

00:30:58.443 --> 00:30:59.924

I have to be the golden child.

00:31:00.404 --> 00:31:01.924

I'm the one that has to go on a mission,

00:31:02.185 --> 00:31:03.325

get married in the temple,

00:31:03.805 --> 00:31:05.045

marry a worthy priesthood

00:31:05.065 --> 00:31:06.146

holder that can preside

00:31:06.266 --> 00:31:07.626

over my family because my

00:31:07.886 --> 00:31:09.747

dad's not doing it, you know?

00:31:09.787 --> 00:31:11.727

So I felt an extreme amount

00:31:11.767 --> 00:31:13.082

of pressure and,

00:31:13.182 --> 00:31:15.643

responsibility, I guess maybe pressure.

00:31:15.703 --> 00:31:15.963

Yes.

00:31:16.023 --> 00:31:17.664

But it was mostly responsibility.

00:31:17.784 --> 00:31:18.884

Like I'm going to be the one

00:31:18.924 --> 00:31:19.725

that's going to set the

00:31:19.785 --> 00:31:20.985

example for my siblings

00:31:21.165 --> 00:31:23.286

spiritually so that they

00:31:23.326 --> 00:31:24.667

can have somebody to look to.

00:31:24.727 --> 00:31:25.907

Like my family is going to

00:31:25.947 --> 00:31:28.428

be the one where the gospel works,

00:31:28.968 --> 00:31:30.929

you know, like, and,

00:31:31.129 --> 00:31:32.690

and I remember all growing

00:31:32.770 --> 00:31:33.490

up when they would talk

00:31:33.530 --> 00:31:34.991

about like eternal families

00:31:35.051 --> 00:31:36.391

and the gospel blesses families.

00:31:36.471 --> 00:31:37.972

And like you mentioned, um,

00:31:38.854 --> 00:31:39.975

feeling like well we're not

00:31:40.035 --> 00:31:41.415

sealed together and feeling

00:31:41.435 --> 00:31:43.517

that kind of on the outs i

00:31:43.537 --> 00:31:44.977

was always told by like

00:31:45.057 --> 00:31:46.078

priesthood leaders and

00:31:46.398 --> 00:31:47.499

young women's leaders that

00:31:49.139 --> 00:31:50.120

if that's not the case in

00:31:50.140 --> 00:31:51.701

my family of origin that's

00:31:51.741 --> 00:31:52.741

the family that i will get

00:31:52.781 --> 00:31:54.902

to create for myself i will

00:31:54.942 --> 00:31:56.043

get married in the temple i

00:31:56.103 --> 00:31:56.964

will be sealed to my

00:31:57.004 --> 00:31:58.624

children you know yeah so

00:31:58.664 --> 00:32:00.025

that was like a big deal to

00:32:00.425 --> 00:32:01.226

to work towards

00:32:02.562 --> 00:32:03.643

And it's such a huge amount

00:32:03.663 --> 00:32:05.404

of pressure for a young person.

00:32:06.064 --> 00:32:07.865

And also you're the oldest sibling.

00:32:07.905 --> 00:32:09.647

So there was already that

00:32:09.727 --> 00:32:10.693

sort of birth order

00:32:10.733 --> 00:32:13.034

pressure on you to be an example,

00:32:13.134 --> 00:32:14.415

to be a hard worker,

00:32:14.535 --> 00:32:16.176

to be the oldest kid,

00:32:16.176 --> 00:32:17.090

I remember having

00:32:17.130 --> 00:32:18.451

to tell you so often.

00:32:19.774 --> 00:32:20.772

just go be a kid.

00:32:20.772 --> 00:32:21.761

Because I think you felt

00:32:21.801 --> 00:32:23.263

this responsibility towards

00:32:23.303 --> 00:32:25.045

your siblings if they

00:32:25.085 --> 00:32:26.686

weren't behaving or if they

00:32:26.727 --> 00:32:27.848

weren't getting ready fast

00:32:27.928 --> 00:32:28.869

enough or any of that,

00:32:28.909 --> 00:32:30.050

you would always step in

00:32:30.611 --> 00:32:31.592

and want to do that.

00:32:31.973 --> 00:32:33.994

I appreciated your help so much.

00:32:34.175 --> 00:32:35.716

But at the same time, I had to always

00:32:36.617 --> 00:32:38.758

remind you like, I've got this, it's okay,

00:32:38.798 --> 00:32:40.096

go take care of your own stuff,

00:32:40.096 --> 00:32:40.863

I know that didn't

00:32:40.923 --> 00:32:43.443

happen as often as it could

00:32:43.503 --> 00:32:45.004

or should have if dad had

00:32:45.044 --> 00:32:45.844

also helped out.

00:32:45.944 --> 00:32:46.406

But you're

00:32:46.426 --> 00:32:47.646

already the oldest child.

00:32:48.686 --> 00:32:49.827

For better or for worse,

00:32:49.847 --> 00:32:51.061

you were parentified,

00:32:51.061 --> 00:32:52.457

not because I told you that

00:32:52.477 --> 00:32:53.497

you had to be in charge of

00:32:53.537 --> 00:32:54.677

kids because you felt that

00:32:54.737 --> 00:32:55.638

pressure yourself.

00:32:56.038 --> 00:32:56.378

Yes.

00:32:57.078 --> 00:32:59.559

And now you're going on a mission.

00:33:00.240 --> 00:33:01.561

your dad and your two

00:33:02.042 --> 00:33:03.303

closest siblings have

00:33:03.403 --> 00:33:05.905

already left the church and

00:33:06.045 --> 00:33:07.607

you feel this huge pressure

00:33:07.707 --> 00:33:08.788

to be the one to set the

00:33:08.808 --> 00:33:11.110

spiritual example, because if you don't,

00:33:11.890 --> 00:33:13.572

then they're not coming back to church.

00:33:13.692 --> 00:33:14.773

Is that what you felt or?

00:33:14.793 --> 00:33:14.873

Yeah.

00:33:16.234 --> 00:33:16.514

I mean,

00:33:16.534 --> 00:33:18.796

I think I've kind of felt like

00:33:19.471 --> 00:33:20.813

maybe my example will bring

00:33:20.853 --> 00:33:22.774

dad back to church, but it was mostly,

00:33:22.794 --> 00:33:22.834

um,

00:33:23.766 --> 00:33:26.449

for my siblings, I just wanted them,

00:33:27.150 --> 00:33:28.651

because honestly, at that time,

00:33:28.671 --> 00:33:30.913

I wanted everybody to feel

00:33:30.954 --> 00:33:31.714

the way that I felt.

00:33:32.603 --> 00:33:33.803

And I remember Tommy talking

00:33:33.843 --> 00:33:34.504

about this when you

00:33:34.524 --> 00:33:35.604

interviewed him as well.

00:33:35.744 --> 00:33:36.905

Like when you're so

00:33:36.985 --> 00:33:38.005

entrenched in the gospel

00:33:38.065 --> 00:33:39.126

and you start feeling all

00:33:39.166 --> 00:33:40.906

those good feelings and this, you know,

00:33:40.946 --> 00:33:42.107

the gospel blesses families

00:33:42.167 --> 00:33:43.047

and all that great stuff.

00:33:43.747 --> 00:33:45.488

There really is this desire

00:33:45.608 --> 00:33:46.969

to just share it with

00:33:47.049 --> 00:33:48.969

people and just for them to

00:33:49.009 --> 00:33:50.470

be as happy as you are and

00:33:50.490 --> 00:33:51.750

to feel as much peace as

00:33:51.790 --> 00:33:53.331

you feel and all that stuff.

00:33:53.411 --> 00:33:55.132

And so I just remember like

00:33:55.172 --> 00:33:56.232

looking at Connor and all

00:33:56.272 --> 00:33:57.112

the problems that he was

00:33:57.132 --> 00:33:57.813

going through and, um,

00:33:58.673 --> 00:34:00.434

you know Cassie was still a

00:34:00.514 --> 00:34:01.915

young teen like I think it

00:34:01.935 --> 00:34:03.355

was maybe her freshman year

00:34:03.395 --> 00:34:04.556

of high school or something

00:34:04.596 --> 00:34:06.076

like that or yeah sophomore

00:34:06.096 --> 00:34:07.157

year I can't remember but

00:34:07.211 --> 00:34:08.618

I just remember feeling

00:34:08.658 --> 00:34:10.060

like there's still time for

00:34:10.100 --> 00:34:12.721

them like yeah yeah but

00:34:12.761 --> 00:34:13.741

with dad it was kind of

00:34:13.761 --> 00:34:14.962

like he's been a lost cause

00:34:15.002 --> 00:34:16.182

since I can remember you

00:34:16.222 --> 00:34:18.003

know and like maybe he'll

00:34:18.023 --> 00:34:18.804

come back to church and

00:34:18.824 --> 00:34:19.884

maybe my parents will get

00:34:19.924 --> 00:34:20.744

sealed in the temple and

00:34:20.784 --> 00:34:22.045

how wonderful would that be

00:34:22.585 --> 00:34:24.046

but I never really felt like it was

00:34:25.006 --> 00:34:27.867

my responsibility to fix like you and dad,

00:34:28.367 --> 00:34:29.188

it was mostly,

00:34:30.248 --> 00:34:31.809

it was mostly about being

00:34:31.829 --> 00:34:33.109

an example to my siblings.

00:34:33.549 --> 00:34:33.829

Yeah.

00:34:34.890 --> 00:34:35.150

Yeah.

00:34:35.210 --> 00:34:36.150

That's so important.

00:34:36.595 --> 00:34:39.057

So when you, you put your papers in,

00:34:39.077 --> 00:34:41.579

we waited and then you got,

00:34:41.679 --> 00:34:43.120

you got your mission call.

00:34:43.280 --> 00:34:45.722

It came in the mail and you were at,

00:34:46.242 --> 00:34:47.343

where were you at this point?

00:34:47.855 --> 00:34:49.056

I was in Santa Barbara with

00:34:49.116 --> 00:34:49.916

Amanda's family.

00:34:50.356 --> 00:34:50.837

Okay.

00:34:50.917 --> 00:34:52.017

So yeah, that's right.

00:34:52.437 --> 00:34:54.198

For the time that I was

00:34:54.418 --> 00:34:56.099

nannying for Amanda and I

00:34:56.139 --> 00:34:58.020

did this both before and after my mission,

00:34:58.620 --> 00:34:59.961

her family spends a really

00:34:59.981 --> 00:35:00.741

good chunk of time in

00:35:00.761 --> 00:35:02.042

Southern California every summer.

00:35:02.242 --> 00:35:03.803

So I went with them to

00:35:04.143 --> 00:35:05.984

Southern California and

00:35:06.944 --> 00:35:08.045

because of all of the

00:35:08.125 --> 00:35:09.806

worthiness stuff that I had to,

00:35:10.106 --> 00:35:11.126

the hoops I had to jump

00:35:11.167 --> 00:35:12.407

through in order to get a

00:35:12.447 --> 00:35:13.948

temple recommend and all that stuff.

00:35:14.629 --> 00:35:16.129

They told me that my papers

00:35:16.169 --> 00:35:17.210

needed to be approved by

00:35:17.250 --> 00:35:20.050

the first presidency, like personally.

00:35:20.470 --> 00:35:22.911

So there's there are several levels.

00:35:23.431 --> 00:35:24.391

If you want to go on a mission,

00:35:24.451 --> 00:35:25.351

you first have to meet with

00:35:25.391 --> 00:35:26.852

your local leader, who's your bishop.

00:35:27.432 --> 00:35:28.272

Then you have to meet with

00:35:28.312 --> 00:35:29.392

your stake president who

00:35:29.432 --> 00:35:31.133

presides over several congregations.

00:35:31.633 --> 00:35:32.413

So once you get through

00:35:32.453 --> 00:35:33.353

those two interviews,

00:35:33.613 --> 00:35:35.274

usually your papers will go

00:35:35.394 --> 00:35:36.234

to the missionary

00:35:36.274 --> 00:35:37.854

department in Salt Lake and

00:35:37.954 --> 00:35:39.915

they will assign you a mission call,

00:35:40.055 --> 00:35:40.535

a place to go.

00:35:41.552 --> 00:35:43.194

But for the problem children

00:35:43.594 --> 00:35:45.456

like me or like people that

00:35:45.697 --> 00:35:48.059

have special circumstances or whatever,

00:35:48.640 --> 00:35:49.821

you have to get special

00:35:49.861 --> 00:35:51.343

approval from the prophet

00:35:51.523 --> 00:35:53.265

and his two apostles from

00:35:53.305 --> 00:35:54.647

the first presidency directly.

00:35:54.787 --> 00:35:57.190

And so I was told, again,

00:35:57.290 --> 00:35:58.050

because I had had

00:35:58.331 --> 00:36:00.814

premarital sex and all these things.

00:36:01.414 --> 00:36:02.776

Which is listed next to murder.

00:36:03.555 --> 00:36:03.915

Yes.

00:36:04.228 --> 00:36:05.908

And I had word of wisdom issues.

00:36:07.149 --> 00:36:07.449

You know,

00:36:07.569 --> 00:36:09.709

I was drinking and smoking pot

00:36:09.729 --> 00:36:10.470

and whatever else.

00:36:10.975 --> 00:36:12.896

They told me that it wasn't

00:36:12.956 --> 00:36:14.096

enough for me to just get

00:36:14.196 --> 00:36:15.556

approved by the missionary department.

00:36:16.237 --> 00:36:17.177

I also had to go through the

00:36:17.217 --> 00:36:17.957

first presidency.

00:36:18.037 --> 00:36:19.078

And this is what my stake

00:36:19.118 --> 00:36:19.798

president told me.

00:36:20.218 --> 00:36:21.538

So when you put your papers in,

00:36:21.798 --> 00:36:23.319

it's usually at that time

00:36:23.359 --> 00:36:25.139

the mission calls were coming, you know,

00:36:25.159 --> 00:36:26.480

between 10 days and two weeks.

00:36:27.327 --> 00:36:27.787

And he said,

00:36:28.108 --> 00:36:30.289

I'm not sure how long it's

00:36:30.309 --> 00:36:31.290

going to take for your

00:36:31.530 --> 00:36:32.651

papers to get approved.

00:36:33.492 --> 00:36:35.413

You know, it could be days.

00:36:35.513 --> 00:36:36.334

It could be months.

00:36:36.634 --> 00:36:37.235

We don't know.

00:36:37.695 --> 00:36:39.357

So I'll let you know when I hear anything.

00:36:39.797 --> 00:36:41.038

So I went to California with

00:36:41.118 --> 00:36:42.379

Amanda's family for several

00:36:42.419 --> 00:36:44.561

weeks and my mission call

00:36:44.621 --> 00:36:45.842

came during that time.

00:36:47.065 --> 00:36:50.688

So I read it on my phone

00:36:51.169 --> 00:36:52.750

over Zoom with everybody.

00:36:53.030 --> 00:36:54.852

Usually in the Mormon church,

00:36:54.872 --> 00:36:55.793

you would have like a big

00:36:55.893 --> 00:36:57.034

party and people would come

00:36:57.134 --> 00:36:58.916

over and everyone guesses

00:36:58.936 --> 00:36:59.837

where you're going to go.

00:36:59.997 --> 00:37:01.538

And it's like a big deal to

00:37:01.578 --> 00:37:02.399

read your mission call in

00:37:02.419 --> 00:37:03.320

front of all these people

00:37:03.360 --> 00:37:04.300

that are supporting you.

00:37:04.401 --> 00:37:05.542

But because I was out of

00:37:05.602 --> 00:37:06.562

town and I wanted to know

00:37:06.603 --> 00:37:07.263

where I was going,

00:37:08.104 --> 00:37:09.665

I read my mission call as

00:37:09.685 --> 00:37:10.206

soon as it came.

00:37:11.149 --> 00:37:12.930

So did they send you an email?

00:37:12.970 --> 00:37:14.111

Because I remember getting a

00:37:14.151 --> 00:37:15.492

package in the mail and you

00:37:15.532 --> 00:37:16.750

wanted me to hold it for you.

00:37:17.128 --> 00:37:18.369

Because I wasn't allowed to

00:37:18.429 --> 00:37:21.184

look at it before you read it,

00:37:21.184 --> 00:37:21.575

anyway.

00:37:21.596 --> 00:37:23.416

Now, if you're going on a mission now,

00:37:23.817 --> 00:37:24.997

all the calls are digital.

00:37:25.317 --> 00:37:26.998

They don't do like packets anymore.

00:37:27.739 --> 00:37:28.619

But at that time,

00:37:28.759 --> 00:37:30.060

I don't think that they were.

00:37:30.080 --> 00:37:32.021

I don't think they were emailing.

00:37:32.041 --> 00:37:33.482

They weren't emailing them out yet.

00:37:33.622 --> 00:37:35.082

Because we did get a physical package.

00:37:35.102 --> 00:37:36.183

Somebody took a picture of

00:37:36.263 --> 00:37:37.664

it and sent it to me to read.

00:37:38.264 --> 00:37:38.504

Yeah.

00:37:38.764 --> 00:37:40.305

Whether it was a text or an email.

00:37:40.825 --> 00:37:42.066

Yeah, it was familiar to me.