Standing In Your Power Without Aggression with Jeremy DelleCave

Ian Hawkins 0:02

Are you ready, ready to release internal pain to find confidence, clarity and direction for your future, to live a life of meaning, fulfillment and contribution to trust your intuition again, but something's been holding you back, you've come to the right place. Welcome. I'm a Ian Hawkins, the host and founder of The Grief Code podcast. Together, let's heal your unresolved or unknown grief by unlocking your grief code. As you tune into each episode, you will receive insight into your own grief, how to eliminate it and what to do next. Before we start by one request, if any new insights or awareness land with you during this episode, please send me an email at info at the and Hawkins coaching.com. And let me know what you found. I know the power of this work, I love to hear the impact these conversations have. Okay, let's get into it.

Get a run. And welcome to this week's guest, Jeremy della curve. Jeremy, how are you mate?

Jeremy DelleCave 1:10

Good. I don't buddy. Really good.

Ian Hawkins 1:12

I'm really glad to have you on. We've known each other a couple of years now and been through some some pretty cool ups and downs. And I'm loving hearing all the stories about you now and setting up in Puerto Rico. So tell us a little bit about how you ended up going from Brooklyn, New York to Puerto Rico and why that's such a big important change for you.

Jeremy DelleCave 1:39

Well, I visited a few times, and I liked it. And there was a few things I really liked about it that from New York, you don't get to do customs, like when you go out of the country. So to flight doesn't take forever. They use dollars, which makes it easy. If you ever go to Mexico, they mess about with you with the peso, they give you pesos, but take your dollars. And I didn't like that. Yeah. And from New York flight, like three hours and 15 minutes. So I'm in the Caribbean when everybody goes on vacation. And I spend most of my time there and my friends and family still consider me on vacation and asked me how's my trip and I'm like, it's not a trip anymore. But people just don't get it. But doesn't matter to me whether they do or not. I just starting to transition down there. I have ties here that I go back and forth now, but eventually that's what I'm going to do. And I'm very happy when I'm down at the weather every day. You know, I have a friend. And he always ask like when I was in New York, how's the weather, and she would always be like, fine. And then when I spent a lot of time down there, nobody asks about the weather because it's 80 something degrees every day. I put on shorts and a T shirt without checking the weather and I go outside I've been called once put in the places and islands you get all you can get from one end to the other maybe like three and a half hours. So you can really go all over beaches, obviously ton of beaches. And another thing I learned about Puerto Rico is the rivers and I used to love the beach and now I love the rivers even more you just park your car on the side of the road. Maybe there's a guy that says hey, five hours for pocket call Watson. Okay? And then you just go down the river no gates, no fences. No do this. No do that. You just go and you're on your own and you're in these rivers and they've been on the waterfalls down natural slides and natural pools. And it's great. And the waters just, you know, they joke around about the fountain of youth. And it's not the fountain of youth but there's something about this water like I've gone there a few times tired and played or messed around in the water for an hour, two hours and you walk out, not tone. Amazing. So there's something about that they call it Sweetwater which it's obviously not sweet, but you have the salt water, so the opposite of Sweetwater. And it's really, really nice.

Ian Hawkins 4:14

Yeah, it's like a throwback to live 4050 years, maybe longer now. And when the rivers were clean and clean,

Jeremy DelleCave 4:24

like I brought my son for a little bit, and we went to a river. And last year we went to a river in Delaware. And their signs everywhere. Don't go in the river. Don't do this. Don't do that his fans pay 25 hours. And I was like wait to come to Puerto Rico because we mean I said it's not like this. And we went to like three different rivers. You park your car, like I said five miles to the guy because it's on his property. And legally they can't charge you for a river to use it because every nobody can own a river. But he owns a property around it. So he charged your $5 to park your car. Okay, and you're there for hours. Yeah. And we're just going and he's just like, you know, you're right that I'm like, it's not like the US, you know, yeah. We went to a beach, it has an old broken down pa that you can walk down and jump off. This p is in Coney Island in Brooklyn that there's fences and people jump off and sue the city when they get hurt, even though there's already a fence there. It's just, you know what I mean? People, I understand why they do that, because people just can't be responsible for themselves, and they want to blame everybody for their decisions. But there, it's like, there's the river. If you get hurt, have you friends carry, like, you know, it's just, at least that's how it seems to me.

Ian Hawkins 5:43

100% I want to come back to lifestyle and Puerto Rico. But you said something there that we've talked about before, which is that taking responsibility. And even before we dumped on, you talked about how it's so important for you to not worry about what other people might be doing. But you're actually taking responsibility to do whatever needs to be done to set up your life how you want it to be. So what is the big motivator for making that a big priority in your life?

Jeremy DelleCave 6:12

I don't know where that originated from. But I guess I've noticed as I've gotten older that a lot of people don't take responsibility for themselves. And you know, somebody close to my family is in a situation now they're not happy about they're older, and they're not happy about their situation. And I clearly think in my mind, well, what got you there? Yeah, you're not responsible for the years that led you to where you are. And that's what I mean by being responsible for your actions. Just like you know, understand that you make your choices and live with them. But don't try to bump them off. Because it is because of that, or this one, that this one and that you got to take ownership of what you choose to do good or bad how it works out. And I think when you do that, you can sort of helps you get to where you want to go. Because you can make a mistake, and you don't blame 30 people, and then you know, make another mistake, and you take blame for it, then you try to rethink how can I do this better. And when you start blaming outside things, you don't take ownership of it. So you don't take the time to say, Hey, I messed up here. What can I do to do this better?

Ian Hawkins 7:28

Love it. And that's where your power back? Right? Like if you if you continually blaming other people, you're giving your power away?

Jeremy DelleCave 7:36

Well, yeah, I don't. I think I used to do that when I was younger, and maybe even in my 20s. And I don't know where the change came over. And maybe I still do. And now you know, I'm not perfect. But I try to make a conscious decision not to, I try to be responsible for my choices and decisions, good or bad, successful on successful whatever.

Ian Hawkins 7:58

Yeah, and what I love one of those decisions and choices is prioritizing lifestyle. And so creating this,

Jeremy DelleCave 8:06

well, you helped me a lot with that one. Because, you know, I told you what I wanted to do. And I was basically going to wait, and in all conversations and suggestion and you know, you suggested like try to do both. Take care of your priorities now. And you can't do exactly what you want. But maybe you could do what you have to do and want to do and also do other things you want to do. And that's, you know, from our talks, that's when I got the idea. Well, maybe it's possible. And that's what I did

Ian Hawkins 8:37

love it. And it gives me great joy to see you creating that as well.

Jeremy DelleCave 8:42

wasn't true, though, and say, Yeah, love it.

Ian Hawkins 8:45

And one of the key things is you've taken the action. Like it's all well and good for someone to make suggestions, but unless you actually go and do it. And that's what I've loved is like hearing all the stories where you've just gone and made things happen from, you know, the use of flipping houses and now setting stuff up in Puerto Rico. So what is it about having that balance? Well, actually, maybe let's look at it this way. What was life before? Like before, when there just wasn't that balance when you were working a nine to five or whatever it was? And

Jeremy DelleCave 9:20

yeah, not happy. I'm divorced. I have three kids. When I'm when my kids I'm happy. I mean, it feels short. Sometimes. When you see him every other weekend, you put pressure on yourself, like you got to have a great time because you got to squeeze everything in. You know, but you're genuinely for me, I genuinely enjoy seeing them spending time with them. But the other times I didn't want to be where I was and I'm not just talking about my physical location, the job I was doing. A lot of people I was around and I was basically biding my time and even what I said you suggest to do bowled prior to that I have a good friend of mine in Florida and we talk all the time. And I used to tell him, excuse me, when you know, when I'm 55 You know, I can do what I want, and then just get a sip

that's water. So, and he used to be like, bro, you know, you might not want to wait, who knows what can happen? You know, how could you do it now and stuff. And he had a point, but I really didn't do anything because I sort of felt stuck. And, you know, things, couple of things turned my way. And you know, I got motivated to a certain extent for different reasons. And instead of waiting to start what I call my life, what I wanted to do, because, you know, having when you get divorced, and you have the kids, you sort of do what you have to do. Yeah, I never wanted not to have my kids live with me full time. But I just couldn't stay in that situation full time, like I couldn't. So it's nice to be doing what I want to do, but also doing what I have to do, which I don't have to see much of I want to see them too. So I wouldn't say I have to do you know, I'm doing what I want on all fronts.

Yeah, love it. And I was absolutely in that trap myself of like waiting till later. And, you know, let's set ourselves up for retirement, all those sorts of things. And then when my dad passed away when he was 64, I'm like, Oh,

he waited to 63. Yeah, that could happen. People do that. Yeah, yeah. But you know what I mean?

Well, I mean, thankfully, he retired at 57. But it's still a short period of time. And it's like, we put all our eggs in that basket in the slide. Now we live now. So the fact that you've prioritized it man, I want to come live in Puerto Rico that that temperature like Sydney's cold at the moment, and

and their winters, it'll be like, you know, I'm used to New York gonna be like 78. And there'll be people walking around with pants. I'm like, you know, they wet pants all the time. And every time I put a pair of pants on, I'm sweating. People walk around and pants I'm dying over here. But the weather's great. It's really a beautiful island. A lot of people really have misconstrue concept that a place like I've had numerous friends and you know, some other people I talk to, oh, is it safe? Is it this? Is it that I'm like, Listen, you got a real misconception in this place. You know, I said I and he, you know, I'm not the shy type if I don't like what somebody does. And I've been going there for two years, I haven't had words with anybody, like not a person I've had words with. And it's almost like live and let live you do you I do mean, nobody's looking into your backyard. Nobody's sticking their nose in your business. And it's really like a laid back culture. And it's not just like the island culture. It's even, you know, the Latin culture is just like, hey, when I Okay. Not all this stress, like I remember when my friend we went into a store. And I was to run, you know, just moving quick in the store. And she goes, we're not in a rush. I'm like, What do you mean? She goes, we're not in a rush. And I'm not in a rush. Because the Yeah, I said, I don't understand. She goes, yeah, like, don't run. And I said, I don't know, I'm not in a rush. And then I thought about I was like, That's just how it is like, and just, everything is moved quick, like, and now like I'm a little slower about things because I'm not in a rush. And easier, almost mentally, it's even easier. You know, I mean, you just take your time and and that's why like everybody jokes around, like, you know, Puerto Ricans are late. They are late, but they're also not like I've had to be there that tense, you know, and, yeah, it's not just like, if you're the person then the other person comes late. It's not a big deal. Alright, you hear now. And it's just like a really laid back sort of way about it. The culture, the people, the environment. You know, it hasn't had the best people drive crazy. They're just like everywhere else. But I remember the first time I drove my friends, like, you know, they drive crazy. I was like, driving them Brooklyn. I think I'll be all right here. So for me, it was nothing. Yeah.

Oh, where was it gonna go there completely, completely blanked? Oh, I was gonna say. So. I don't know if you've experienced this when you fly back in New York. But I've had that when I've flown back into Sydney, relaxed from a holiday. And then you walk into the airport and there's people running around and they're stressed and angry. And you're like, What are you doing? It like

breeds it like I know for the last at least 20 years, at least 20 years and whenever I would go on vacation. I would come back. And I would you know, the most of the airport, the airport, I go to all the time, you basically take the highway and you get off the highway and to go to my neighborhood, you see this mall, and it's for like, 20 years, I would see the mall and say, What am I doing here? Ya know, like, what am I doing here? And it's just like, the whole environment breeds that like that guy cuts you off. So that guy cuts you off. And he's gone like this. And that guy goes like this. And it just manifests itself to this crazy. Yeah, I don't like it.

Now, you talked about not having to have words, you grew up in a pretty tough part of the world in Brooklyn. What? What did you experience as a youngster in terms of like, violence, aggression, anything else that like, made life challenging for a young fella?

Now was challenged, and I thought it was normal. Yeah, five, sometimes. Yeah. You get into words, and then you get into a disagreement, you put your hands up.

And was that pretty standard for families across the board?

Was for all the kids I'm now in a neighborhood we have, you'd have fights before and I didn't even fight as much as some other guys fought all the time. Yeah. And, you know, that's how it was, you know, for me growing up, and you know, nothing crazy, that was fine with your hands. You know, not till I got older and things start getting a little squirrely, but when you're young, and you know, grammar school, whatever, then it's fine with Jan, somebody gets, you know, a couple of shots here and and nothing crazy.

Yeah. So, if you don't mind me asking, like, you go through that sort of experience, does that sort of play out in your adult years? And if so, what, what

that is, I've talked to numerous friends of mine, and I'm almost 50 My friends are all about the same age. And it's probably like every other generation, we look at the new generation, but like, you know, yeah, but one thing that we all seem to agree on is a lot of people back into responsibility are responsible for their words. And I'm really talking about men, you know, women, whatever, I don't, I don't go and you know, you're

not your place, man. Yet, I,

when I grew up, just from, you know, growing up, you were responsible for your words, meaning if you said something to somebody, that was insulting, then like, you may have to fight them. So you're responsible, you're responsible for your words, meaning that if you said something to the wrong guy, and he didn't like it, you might fight. And younger generations, and even people that I met that are my age, but from like, different parts of New York, they just used to mouthing off. Like, they just talk and, you know, I've had guys at work where like, they'd talk, talk talk, and I'd be like, listen, watch, would you say to me, like, thank you. But I'll smack you know, like, don't talk to me now. Like, I don't know what you're used to doing. But you're not going to talk to me that way. And if you say you can, and I say you can. Okay. Yeah. And that's how we grew up. And I find people aren't like that. But then there's the other side of me says that it's sort of nice that people don't resort to violence. Yeah, so it's,

you know, yeah. And I know, we've talked about this a bit. It's, it's what's on the other side of it, right? So you know, you, you've said to me, you know, you can get results, and you can get people to shift their behavior. That's the problem.

That's the problem of violence. It works. And I know, that may sound horrible, but it does. And when I found my biggest problem, was trying to teach my son where I know violence works when this kid in school is bothering me and punch him in the face. Ain't gonna bother you no more. But that was when I realized like that, I don't want to tell my son that. Like, just because, you know, that's what I think. Don't mean you want to pass that on. And that's when I started realizing, maybe something's wrong here. Yeah, you know what I mean, but it is hard. When you have an issue that you know, you do everything right. You know, you my son at the time and one of the things he was like maybe seven so, tell the teacher, the kids banya tell the lunch lady, you know, and I did, yes, yes, yes. Nobody, according to him, nobody's doing nothing. So now in my head, I'm like, Oh, do I tell him what I really think but, you know, do I want to bestow that on him that violence is the answer at seven and does he carry that the rest of his life which I don't think is healthy? You know, even in my own search for a better one. way, the violence I almost searched for that just to teach my son something that I didn't know. Because I didn't want to teach him when I knew.

So what did you teach him?

Well, I tried to teach him a lot of things we talked about that you don't have to use violence to be strong and be a man. You could, you know, I was also taught in my family, like, you know, a man doesn't let anybody disrespect them. And if they do they do something about it. I was taught that very clearly, very clearly. And I try to teach my son that you could, you don't have to hit somebody, to get them to understand that that's not the way you want to be treated. And I want him you know, look them in the eye, you tell them very honestly and directly. I don't like that. And I want you to stop. And I said, if you do that, you don't hopefully we don't have to resort to violence to get somebody to stop doing what is bothering you.

Yeah, and I'd love for you to share, because this is one of the reasons I really wanted to get you on. And I appreciate you stepping up to this.

You know, I don't really like telling people.

Yeah, I appreciate it.

One guy, buddy, you know,

this is just me you have a Chapman no one else. So it's I wanted to do if you could share the story where you you had an altercation where in the past, it could have gotten out of hand pretty quickly, but you use the different method, similar to what you described, sharing with your, with your boy and how, like, even you were blown away with the result?

Well, we were actually, you know, we work together a couple of times. This was pretty shows like The second time we were working together, and we were working on you know, standing in your power being in your power. You know, he always I don't know, again, what I was taught it was around as if you didn't stand up for yourself. You were a wimp. Your other words? Yep. And you know, that was one of the worst things to be. So me and you were working on that getting past that idea in my head that like if that guy says it, I gotta tell him like, you know, I got Yeah. So I was trying to get past that, that even if you have to which you don't even have to say anything. A lot of times you can just, it's not that important. But it doesn't make you my work was not to make me feel like I was backing down in a negative way. I could back down in a positive way of being like positively addicts, but in any whatever. Where if I did that in the past, I'd be like, Oh, good. You did you back down. You went weak, you know, and you can't do that. So when we were working, I went to a concert with a, you know, a bunch of guys, you know, we went to a concert, it was a Green Day, believe it or not the biggest Green Day fan I wasn't but I gotta tell you the concert was good. That lead singer there guy. He put on a good show. They really did. He really worked the crowd. And I was impressed. I was and I got a new appreciation for them. But they started like a mosh pit. You know, like, from years ago? I don't know wherever you guys you know, you it's usually guys where they just think to each other Bumble. Yeah. So one of my friends was in a I don't know exactly what he did you know what I mean? I was watching the concert. And I see him walking back towards us. And there's like four security guards like coming after him like, you know, and he's walking in, but they like to. And so I'm standing out on I see him come and then I see the security guards and like that was going on here. So I step in the middle. And in the past me stepping in the middle, I would have done it very aggressively, because that's what I thought you have to do to get them from stopping. So I did not aggressively I just stood there. And I went, guys Eazy E she what's going on? There's nothing he's fine. What do we do? I don't remember exactly what I said, you know. But I remember I wasn't aggressive. I wasn't nasty. I wasn't loud. I didn't curse. And for some reason, this is why it stayed with me. The four security guards just stopped in front of me. So my friends behind me. And I don't know exactly what I said to like the main guy. And after like a couple of minutes they were like, you know, and I don't really know exactly what I said. Like I said it was a lot. But I know I wasn't aggressive. I know I wasn't nasty. I was nice. You know, but I wasn't like I was strong. Yeah. And it stuck with me because I was like, wow, that that? Why did those guys stop? They could have just pushed right through me like I'm not, you know, the biggest guy in the world, my little one I was huge. And then, and it stuck with me and I told you that story because that's when we were working together. Like, it was something good to remember that, that can happen without being violent or aggressive or loud or nasty. And that helped me like now when my son has an issue, I tell him, you could say it, you could stand, you know, be confident. And you could tell them nicely, like, Listen, I don't like that. Because you know, my son's 10 kids like the teeth. Yeah. And he's not really like, you know, I don't think kids pick on him. But some kids like to break each other's chops, and my son doesn't really like that. So I'm really working on him. You tell the kid, Hey, I told you, I don't like it. You stay over the house over here, but just I don't like. And I tried to teach him to do that. And from that experience, it works. I don't know how it worked. I still don't really know how it worked. Well, the thing

that stuck with me was that you described another scene where where you found yourself standing up in a particular I think was a waiting room or something. And you said people just changed instantly. But the problem was afterwards, you felt you felt a bit down about the fact that you'd had to resort to that, whereas this experience where you stand your power?

Yeah, back to, in my mind at the time, stand my ground and not let somebody treat me the way I didn't want to. And I've been I've been aggressive many times, and it gets a result. But after a result, I would always not always. But as I got older, I would stop feeling worse and worse about it. Like I guess almost guilty about it. And it was nice that this happened, there was no guilt. I didn't do anything that I was disappointed in myself for. And that's why I was saying before, like violence works. But it doesn't mean you should do it. Just like being aggressive. To get somebody to respect your boundaries. works a lot of times, but it doesn't mean it's what is a good thing to do. Because that person I might aggressive. They might be like, What a jerk. And they leaves their head and the guilt stays with me. Yeah. And that's not good. Yeah. And I still work with that. Believe me, there's times that somebody you know, oh, oh, you know, but I, you know, I still happen sometimes. Yeah. But you know, you try. I try? Yeah, not as aggressively and

I think it's, that's important for everyone to remember is that we don't get it perfect. But we have strategies to that we can, if it happens, we

work in progress. I tell my kids for years, I'm not perfect. Don't let me know. I want to tell you this in advance. Your father is not perfect. I don't think anybody's perfect. I said, but I try. I have my good moments and bad moments, but I'm trying I'm trying to do better.

Yeah. And the thing that really stuck with me was like you go from that place of what you said, the feeling of guilt, and you're feeling worse, as you get older. To You said this experience actually left you feeling pretty fantastic. Because it just

felt really good. Like, it was a very new experience for me. And that was, yeah, it was good. And I try to remember that when it happens. But you know, sometimes your emotion triggers like, you know, like, I even tell my kids I'm not perfect, and I'm human. Sometimes my anger will kick in before my brain says, Hey, you being angry, chill out. You know, I don't you don't catch it all the time. You just I don't I don't know about other people. But I don't catch it all the time.

Oh, no, I think we're all human. And we have those moments. Like, that's just

part of the grind to make them feel involved. You know, I read a lot of things and it's always like, you know, take a few seconds. And I'm like, Yeah, that's a good idea. If you catch it to notice a few seconds. You don't even think about the few seconds till 10 seconds after. Like, it's that feeling. You know, that I literally when I get angry and annoyed, I get hot. I feel heat, like my chest starts getting hot. I think I even get like flush. And I try like, especially with like, if I get annoyed with my kids, you know, I listen, I've yelled I don't ever hit my kids, but I've raised my voice and sometimes my voice is a little too much for them. And they'll cry just for my you know, yelling at them but not like you know, raging but and I don't like that afterwards. I feel guilty every time. Yeah, so one of the strategies I do is if I feel that I try to get out of it. Like you know walk I gotta go like just I gotta get out of here because now I could catch myself but if I stay close I'm like, you know you want to stay say like trying to run away because your mouth you know you're done. If I say something, yeah, so that's one of my strategies is to walk away. But I would like to even get a better one than that, which is, feel it. Take those seconds. Because I found, you know, when I look over my life and everything. When you're aggressive and angry and yelling, nobody hears you, man. Like, nobody hears you. And it's very easy for them to dismiss you as wrong. And I started putting this together, like, every time I have, you know, an argument, say, with a family member or a girlfriend or somebody close. If I keep my calm, I'm usually pretty good. And they start stamping and stumbling. But once I get annoyed, all of a sudden, I'm the bad guy, no matter what I'm saying. Yep. So even with the kids, if I'm yelling, they're not hear me. They might be scared. And this didn't happen. They're not hearing me. Yeah, I think people that way. Anyway, if you yell at the guy in the car and move your car, he tried to get you. But if you said, Hey, buddy, I can't get back down. Yeah, maybe that works better. Yeah. Doesn't always wait a minute. Where am I going? We're back to the rush. I'm not a rush. Where am I going?

Yeah, well said, well said. If I can add to that is like the removing yourself from the situation is great strategy. And what that allows you to do is focus on the breath. Right? Which, which is something I

gotta remember, too, because the breath works. Yeah, again, but you got I gotta remember it. Because we're now my emotions are kicked in my anger. I'm not thinking about breathing. You know, that's not when I'm not thinking about anything. But like, what you have is download annoying me. I want to tell them that they're annoying me like, I want you to know. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Like, I'm, I don't know if that's a thing for us. I'm pissed off. Yeah. And I want you to know, and man, I want you to stop, like, you know, I want you to stop. Because I'm getting I'm getting madder and madder just, you know, stop.

Yeah, my honor. Lots of men will be able to relate to exactly what you're talking about. And it's like, it's just screaming to be heard, we have this natural emotion of anger that comes to the surface, we have to

show how natural mine is. Because I've given mine a lot of thought. And I'm gonna tell you why I grew up in an environment that that was the answer. Yeah. And not everybody grows up like that. And you could also go both ways. I have a friend of mine, that was yelled at a lot. And they don't yell. Because they learned, you know, when somebody does wrong in your family growing up with, you can learn what to do. But you could also take a negative and learn what not to do. Now, I didn't learn what not to do. I learned what to do. That was, you know, to be heard, you had to yell and scream to be heard. And that's not what to do. You know what I mean? So I don't think it came naturally to me. I'm always told by my family, I was a happy kid and everything and blah, blah, blah, blah. And in the environment I was in, that's how you got hurt. Because if you were nice about it, you just you guys ran roughshod over you?

Yeah. And so when I say natural, like you said that, that that sort of reaction is not necessarily natural, because it's learned, but the actual feeling, the need to feel all of our emotions, including anger is the natural part. And then as you say, that's when the patterns of a lifetime come bursting to the surface, whether we like it or not. Now, you said also in that in your upbringing, that you experienced different people in your world struggling with addiction. How did that then impact you as you grew up? Like Did Did you have an addictive personality? Did you go the opposite sort of what played out?

I'm not sure if addiction that might come naturally. But I don't think it's something it's more personality traits. Yeah, I've had very close people with problems with addiction around me. From friends, to family to relationships, I really ran the gamut. I actually call once I should write a book about it. That's how many freaking people I know. And what just different branches that were very different. You know what I mean? Yep. And what's hard about it is they pick their addiction over you every time. And if that's in your family, that's tough in certain circumstances, because the addictions come first. or whatever it is alcohol, drugs, gambling, whatever you want to call it, that will always come first of any body. If they're true addict. And as a child, that's, you're supposed to feel like you come first. Yeah, I didn't. I didn't. So, I don't know if I, you know, sometimes I'd like that I gravitate towards people like that. But then I had a really good friend of mine that I knew since I'm six. So it's not like I picked them at six. Yeah, it'd be that way, then maybe a relationship by one of my relationships. I think I was trying to fix them, because I kind of fixed the person in my family. So that might have been the reason for it. You know, but yeah, that affects you. If you don't feel like you're heard you don't feel like you're important, because you're not. Because whatever they're addicted to, is coming first, Hell or High Water hook or by crook. And as a child, that's not a great feeling. To have that feeling. At least it wasn't for me.

Yeah, it's really interesting that the addictions linked to the to the anger, because it's you getting hurt, and in a place in a setting where you. Yeah,

if you were nice about it, it was like she didn't. Who even you know, you didn't get what you wanted. Yeah. And I didn't get your way you weren't hurt. And if you were nice and bad, you got nothing. Now what everybody but you know, in my immediate? Yeah, yeah, I hope they don't watch this. But

we'll, we'll screen it from them.

It's only your mate, they won't say.

Well, the thing is, is that all families have these different things that have gone on. All different, we're all addicted to something. And just shows up in different ways. So we, you know, we can get

as healthy addictions and unhealthy addictions.

Yeah, well, I think everyone, everyone's addicted to something that's not particularly healthy. Not to say forever, but that they've they've grown up with something. I remember reading.

growing flowers, it's tough to say that.

Yeah, that's true.

drugs in the eyes of God all the time. Jesus said, I am so hot. Thanks. So good. All the timeout so good, you're nasty. That's not so good.

Unless you're in the garden, and you're meant to be looking after children. So

you got to point that, you got to point with that if you absolutely ignore them. And then it is the negative. I think you're right, anything. Everything has to be a balance and an access. Nothing's good and excellent. Whatever. It's

not to love and run. So you said at 21, you had brain surgery, which was a fairly significant impact of your life. So tell me like, was it suddenly like you You collapsed? or was there some signs going on?

I was actually driving at the time with my girlfriend. I remember like it was just them driving at the time. And I see this black flash in my vision, boom, boom. I'm like, you see that? She's like, No, I'm like, you don't see that. And it's getting like more and more of my vision, like taken over my vision. And I'm like, you don't see that like, No. And luckily, I put the car in park, because I was driving down the street. And then I'm told I kicked into a seizure because I woke up in hospital. Wow. And they did some tests. After that what I had was what they call the beauty mock on my brain was causing blood in my brain. It wasn't genetic or anything, I just had it. And then they put me on some medicine. And the problem was that first seizure, I lost a little peripheral vision. So they put me on medicine. And then a few months later at another season, and then I lost more peripheral vision. So like when I'm looking at you, I can see my finger but this is all black, this this quadrants black. So they decided they needed to go get it because if I keep having seizures on what am I going to wind up blind. So they went in I was in college, I was like a senior, and they had to go in my head and get it out. And prior to that I wanted to be a businessman and I was gonna be a bank and I was gonna work seven days a week, 15 hours a day and I wanted money, money, money, money, money. That's all I wanted to do. Yeah. And then once I had the brain surgery, you definitely put a different perspective on things I didn't even want to work. Like I didn't I remember being a senior in college, you know, your last big business class and the teachers I get to do your resume everybody down like no. Like, what do you mean? I'm like, I didn't do it. You know, why not? Because I don't want a job. You know? One, four years ago, I'm like, I don't want a job. So no, I have no resume and I'm not doing it, because I am going to use it. And after college I believe it or not, I moved in with one friend of mine and another college because he took four and a half years. So I live with him for six months at another college. And then I just did odds and end jobs. And then I had like this crappy job and a suit was horrible. Then I worked in Florida for a while, and then I wound up getting a union job. You know, in the fitness, you know, in New York? Yep. So it definitely changed the whole direction of my life in my mind, if I was going this way, and I went that way. Yeah, well,

the interesting thing is, is that I look at the conversations we had much later and you are the same sort of thought you don't you want to work as little as possible. So you continue to find ways as you got older to earn. Yeah, bring in passive income, which, which?

Well, I think about it, I'll get into it till I was over 40.

Yeah, he must have. He must have been thinking about, like, different ideas, though. In that time. Yeah. And then

I wound up buying, you know, my first piece of real estate, you know, that wasn't for me to live in. And, you know, just doing things after that. Yeah, there's this is this that whatever. Yeah.

What is the joy you get from, from those experiences, when you're actually able to do deals and create a bit of magic where, you know, most, most people aren't sort of in there doing that sort of thing?

Well, I had a job that I felt no sense of accomplishment. Yeah, it wasn't satisfying to me. I didn't feel accomplished, I didn't feel like I was, you know, doing anything spectacular. And when I first bought my first house, I did get that rush. Oh, my, wow, I did it. Because it's not easy. Especially, you know, I'm not talking. I'm calling from a lot of money, at least not a lot of kids, either. Um, you know, and again, just trying to piece it together with loans and this and that. And after the first one, I liked it. And then the second one, you know, and then I got into it, like, it was like, it was like the hunt that find it find the one that you think and then do you rent it all your rents more than you know, your numbers and things like that. Then I even did a brick and mortar place that didn't work out with COVID. But I had I lost money. But I had a nice experience. And if I could do it, and I did. And there was not a lot of self satisfaction for me in that a lot actually.

Yeah, fantastic. And how important has that been, in your later years to have that satisfaction? When you like you said, you're in a job that wasn't giving you any of it?

There's, it's the job, but it's also I don't like working for anybody. Yeah. And that was being your own boss, per se. I like that. You know, and I have partners, and I will always talk to friends of mine get their ideas. So it wasn't about that I had to do my way. But I didn't like like a boss like you. There's only so far you could get if you have somebody above you. Yeah. And then when you work for yourself, there is no limit. And, you know, my job I reached my peak pay besides inflation raises after three years that that's pretty quickly at your peak. Yeah, right. You know what I mean? And I work for myself, the limit is just what I'm willing to risk. Yeah. And I liked that part about it. And I like making my own schedule and making my choices. And I live with them good or bad. I made some successes, some failures. Yeah. But you know, that's part of the process. Yeah, I get a lot of fulfillment out of doing my own thing.

Yeah, I'm with you there. That was one of the motivators for me is like, like, I can't actually control my, I can't control my future direction here. Because like you said, it's kept. Yeah, so for me, the not it's not just a financial thing. With, with the with a being kept. It's like, wanting to create different change or be able to implement different things that might give you some of that fulfillment. There's just so many restrictions on

the learning process. Like, I knew my job really well, after three years. What do you do for the next 20 and I learn a much you almost get, like, stagnant, you know, there's not like food for your brain. And I like when I got to think of angles and things. And you know, I'm always now I'm always thinking like, I have two separate ideas for Puerto Rico right now my head. You know what I mean? Like little businesses, you know, it's just, you know, because you could take things you've seen other places, and then you go there and you're like, they don't have that here. So the concepts You know, can translate to over there, especially if it's not that

brilliant, my got to get on, get that on my list of getting over there. Because every time you talk about it, I'm like,

forever we went to, we went to a river the other day. And it was nice on the bottom. It's a waterfall real nice water. But we decided to hike up and go on top of the waterfall. There was nobody up there. But the four of us, we found little slide with jumping off the rocks into the river, we found a vine was swinging off. We went from here to here. It was like out of a movie where I was man. It was like out of a movie. I bring it out, you're gonna be like, and then there's a beach that it's also like, it's, you're in a cave in the ocean, the oceans coming in one side of the cave, and you're standing in the cave and the waters out and I never seen stuff like that man. But

yeah, right, you need a tour service as well. That's another business side, my

friend, as you know, she's into like, the outdoors and the beaches and the rivers. So I think I was the other day we would talk. And I think I've been to like 11 Rivers already, man. And she's probably been to 40 She laughs She goes maybe more because it's some I went to will never go to because it just not fun. And she's like, there's so many more. Because, you know, there's a lot of rivers, and it's just different sections of the river. And, you know, you hear about oh, you could go to that section and as this that and this, you know,

fantastic. I like that. Yeah. Now, fast forward. Oh, actually, just coming back to the brain surgery. Yeah. Apart from apart from you, not necessarily wanting to get a job after that. The change, like did you notice the capacity of your brain had changed as well.

I noticed my temper got shorter. Interesting. And there's no doubt about that. You know, I don't know if it could be the brain surgery and maybe a little bitterness of why this happened to me. And unfortunately for me, less than a year if their brain surgery was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and I got stabbed. I don't even know I might have told you but I got stabbed with a nice pic twice, playing basketball in a park that there was six of us there. And these kids didn't want us in that park. And they jumped us and I mean a lot of them, and three of us got stabbed. And I wound up you know, pretty bad at all. Holding my level and my kidney, collapsed lung. You know, thank God, I was young, I got better. But I think all that together, I also broke up with a girlfriend and in college for three years that I really cared about that year. The addiction of my family flared up again that year. So I don't know if it was the actual surgery, or like just all those come blowing up things. But I know in my 20s I was definitely definitely a lot short tempered than I was in my middle and late teens, there's no doubt about that.

It's the residual effects.

The handle like you know, I'm always nice. If you're nice to me, I never bother nobody. I don't pick on nobody. But I think you do something that I used to because I'm not even saying I was right. Maybe the people weren't not being nice, but if I viewed it as not nice. I just you know, oh, you know, right away and have no problem. I didn't feel no guilt in my 20s. I didn't stop feeling guilty to my 30s and 40s. I don't want I the right thing.

It's the residual grief of different incidences that keep playing out again and again and again until you deal with them. And you said another one of those was when you went in when your daughter had to have brain surgery. The worst went to your life. Yeah.

Yeah, that was the I mean, what are the odds of that? You know what I mean? I have brain surgery. And I remember I went was a couple years ago. And I was up to the famous racetrack horse racetrack in New York called Saratoga. Yeah. And I remember I wanted to go, nobody wanted to go. So I went by myself. I drove up there went to the track. I stayed overnight. And I was coming back and I feel like driving. It wasn't that far, but I just stopped somewhere out of state. And I got a call from my mother. She's like, Yeah, my hand was tingling is like a Wednesday thing. Maybe Thursday, Thursday, her hand was tingling. I don't know. We brought it in. I'm like the tingling, you know, the brain, the stroke thing. And she's like, Hey, we brought in a hospital, blah, blah, blah. I'm like it was like late. I was like, I'll be there tomorrow morning. And they sent my daughter for an MRI. Then they wanted the MRI with contrast which I've had and which I know is a bad thing because I see something that I got to be sure. And it was surreal like, you know, I'm like, what I get can't be like it can't be. And she had to have brain surgery, but different problems. She had a tumor in a cerebellum, and I had some on the surface of my brain. So they're not associated with each other. Yeah. And just, you know, they came and told us she had the tumor. I'm really doing a good job here, because usually, I can't talk about this for more than about 10 seconds without getting very upset. Yeah. And we went Staten Island and they moved us to a really good hospital in the city. And like I said, I got that call Thursday. I was in a hospital on Staten Island on Friday. We moved to Manhattan on Saturday. I think Monday was a holiday and she had the surgery Tuesday. So they didn't play like it was like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And it took her a while to come out of it man. took her a while.

Must have must have been awful having that waiting.

It's awful. There's not a word I know. That could explain it to you. Yeah. Like, it's similar to like, I used to always tell people, when they were going to have a child, I was down. No matter what I tell you. I can't explain it to you see you until you see your child. Yeah, you might have some nieces and nephews, you're like, great. And you might have your friend as you begin to lay eyes on your child for the first time. I don't have words who explained that you got to just do it for yourself, for most people. I mean, there's some special people that probably could care less, but those are psychotic, Crazy bastards. But whatever. So, for me, I don't have words to explain that as a parent, watching your child out to do that I and I told you this before I genuinely the person I dislike most in this world, which I'd have to think about because I usually just move past them. I wouldn't wish that on nobody, man. That is just so brutal. If you couldn't as a de not even a decent human being just as a person is the worst feeling in the world completely help was it your child and you can't do nothing about it. Awful, man. It was two weeks you came out of it. She might have came out it'd be like, nine days after. And the whole process was like two weeks of just complete blur. Man, me and my mother. She would sleep up there one night, I would sleep another night. We just went back and forth. I don't even know what happened. That was two weeks. I know I was there. And then not that one night, and then nothing. That's all I know. And it was real rough for a bit. But then she got better. And she's good now. I mean, I don't know how that changed me. But I know I don't like thinking about it. Take it up, boy. Yeah, she's good. You know, she's going to college and everything she does well, and but it's just something you know, I guess maybe I've always had empathy for children. And, you know, you hear about a parent that may you know, God forbid, loses a child. But what I went through, I can't even imagine the next step. I don't know how people could survive that because I almost feel like I didn't survive this. Like I was, I was teetering. It was not rolling me. I wasn't, you know, she was going through it or not me. I didn't do nothing. But I was it did, man it was.

It was it was I think anyone who's had a child and had been experienced anything, like doesn't even have to be as bad as that, like you'd like to say helplessness that you described, because usually you can be in control. But this is like completely outside of your control

that I remember that surge and it was this. She was like Swiss or Sweden. I don't know, man, you know, but it was this woman surgeon. And it was like God walked in the room when she walked in, because I don't know, whatever she did. I had a lot of confidence in the way she talked or whatever. And when she would walk over Yes. You know, even one time when my daughter wasn't getting better for like a week I after about a week I started bugging out like I was like, you know, go get some people here. People are telling me you're giving her these pills. And I say I want advocates. I started getting like, you know, get the public advocate. And I was getting crazy. And they went and got hot to talk to me. Like they I don't know how they knew. But they knew and they went and got her. And she came she goes remember and I was like

yeah.

And then like two days later she snapped out of it.

Wow. Yeah. What she bought that energy was similar.

I felt very comfortable right away. I don't know. I don't know how she did it, but she did it. And she was a very nice lady. She seemed to like being dear that my daughter was young. Like even the guy, one of the guys that did the surgery. She was like, yes, she made sure we made a tiny, tiny incision as small as possible. She was sweet. Well, my daughter. Yeah, she was just the best that I'm

awesome. Yeah.

She was like, she even told me like, she had a child. And, you know, husband, she was married. And she was like, Yeah, my husband always takes the child the night before surgery. She takes the I forget it was a boy or girl. But she told me like, yeah, he dinner and everything. And I get complete. I'm like, like, he's even helping to make sure like he even sees what she's doing. Because she only work on kids. Yeah. And I was like, wow, that's really good. God bless your husband jobs. God bless and Hora husband a kid. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like, really cool. I wish I could tell you my name, man. Maybe that I don't know what that says about me. But I can't remember a name. And I remember my face.

Yeah, well, I think what it says about you is that you were you were dealing with a massive trauma. And you're not remembering those sort of details, but you don't ever forget how someone like that allows you to feel

he was she was wonderful. She fixed my door.

am amazing. I guess the thing that I'm drawn to is that you said before, he didn't you don't understand what that is. And you don't understand what that energy that you are bringing when you had those security guards stop. But it's a similar thing. It's like, what what we bring to the table shows up before us, if we can work it walk into a room and, and we can get a feel for oh, there's something not good here. Or this is really a warm place. It's the energy that precedes us, which is, which is the key part. And and I love that through your own story. And then through someone else's house.

There's a lot you can feel people's energies like, yeah, if you pay attention to it, and I started doing that the last few years. There's people that could walk in you get a bed, people some people call it a vibe. You call it a feeling whatever. I think they're all very similar. Some people walk in, you get a good feeling. Yeah. And then other people walk in and I for me, I get not a good feeling. I'm like, Yeah, you know what I mean? And yeah, I don't know if it's an energy vibe or fear or whatever you want to call it. But I think if you look for it, I think a lot more of us could feel it if we paid attention to it.

Yeah, I get always get a good feeling whenever I speak to you. So I thank you so much for coming and sharing.

I'm already on the podcast, right? You know, you're not gonna convince me to do it. I'm already here.

Now I'm being like, I like he said to me, I would, I wouldn't say unless it was

Tuesday. I appreciate it. I really don't.

I before I will do want to touch on a real positive in your life as we start to wrap up. And this is something you've talked about when we've when we've had our sessions. But also, you mentioned before we jumped on is just how influential your grandpa was for you. And

China upset me again. You're like that guy. Was that Larry King? You ever see? You ever see Jerry Maguire?

Yeah, yeah.

And he's not gonna make me cry. It's not Larry King. Yeah, my grandfather was big for me, man. He was. He was always there for me and my childhood. He was always there. He always lived close. He was always around. He was just so selfless. And he was the best and he passed away when I was like, 28. And, you know, I tried to get past regret. You know, I was in my 20s. I didn't spend a lot of time with him. I

was running around, bla bla bla bla bla. So I think about that some time, but he was, you know,

I have a hard time finding anybody that was as good as him in my life. He comes to my mind real quick. I'm real fast and real at the time. He was the best and he taught me a lot of things about being a father. Like I remember. He's always taking me to swim practice. And it was maybe, I don't know, 15 minutes from my house. And I remember I'd call him Bob and Bob You know, if you want to leave It's alright. You know, come back. No, no, I'll wait. And he would just sit there and watch me swim and I always just like, had this guy do that for like an hour and he just sitting there. And then it came back to me when you know my daughter is I have twin twin daughters. And I remember they were like at soccer. And I think I was getting antsy or something. And it came back to me and I was like, just sit here. And that's what that's what you're supposed to do sit and watch. That's it. That's it. And that, like, you know, I've gone to numerous things for my daughters, my son, I don't say nothing. I don't complain, I don't. I watch, and I genuinely have an appreciation for it. But he influenced me just in that one aspect. You know, but the selflessness of him where you put somebody else ahead of you, that was glaring. And that's not something you find a lot. I don't know, I don't I haven't found that a lot in my life from a lot of people, but I sure as hell found it from him. And I tried to do that with my kids. I think, you know, we talked about it. I think I did it to such an extent that I almost forgot about me. I went so far the other way. And you know, now I find the bounce. But yeah, he was, he was great man. And he was like, when I grew up, he was already retired. So he was just always like, he drove me to grammar school. And we used to pick me up. I remember, he used to pick me up on grammar school, I went to Catholic grammar school, we had half a days on Wednesday. I think this guy saw a star was like 10 times a man. But we would go to the movie theater down the block on Wednesday, and he would go to the st. Because I wanted to go and he'd go like, you know, you start thinking those things as you get older. And you're like, Man, this guy. So you know, he probably didn't want to see Star Wars once. And just stuff like that. He was just always gave me money to buy my first car. You know what I mean? Like, if I sit here and think I probably could just come up rattle. I mean, he he was the one to bail me out of jail. The only time I got arrested. I mean, like, he was the one I cared about. And that's why I thought about the arrest. Like, I'm, you know, my mother and father, my grandfather. I made a mistake when I was 20. I drove drunk, smacked up a couple of cars, whatever I got arrested by and I'm up at school, I'm in jail, I get arrested. I gotta get bailed out, you know, the next day. So I remember my mother and father walk in. And I'm like, they're near. And I'm not upset. Like, you know, mostly I'm like, sorry. And then my mother goes, Grandpa's here. And I said, Grandpa, how'd you bring him? He goes, he's the one with the money. And brother when I saw him, boom, I'm sorry. I'm upset. My mother follows him. Yeah, he was the one I felt like, how I disappointed him. I was crushed that I had a talent that crushed. And I was 20 at the time. So he was everything. He was everything. He was the best. He was everything. And I have a younger brother and younger sister. And I guarantee you there's no doubt. Either one of them would be saying the same stuff. I'm saying maybe different stories. Yeah, but the same things. So I don't know how he was able to do it for all of us. But he did it. He did. He did it.

Yeah. And it's so so important for us to pause and remember those influential people in our life and really recognizing, even if we can't tell them, right, just having that moment of, well, I believe they're listening anyway. So but it's important for us personally, just to pause and we remember

the other day, I was talking to my mother, and we talk about my grandpa, my mother said something and that was his daughter. And she said something she goes well, he wasn't as nice all the time. And I said hey, that was my I'm talking to my mother is today. Don't do that. This is how I think we're gonna leave it at that. Don't Don't do that. Don't talk about him like that. She's like this. She's like I said, I told you tonight. This is don't do his daughter, my mother. And I was like, Don't Don't do it. Yeah, well, Oh, you better move on lady or whatever. Don't be talking about that man.

That might be just one of those things around grandparents as well. Right? Because they, they don't have to worry about too much of the the more detailed parenting but they can certainly bring bring.

Like my grandfather, if we acted up, he'd leave. So he didn't have to deal with all the bad stuff. And he'd come back in the morning, you know, but we also I've know even as a kid, I was more conscious of my actions being you know, being good when he was around. You know, I wasn't always perfect when he was around, but it was important for me. Yeah, I mean, I respect you.

Awesome. Jeremy Thank you so much for

buddy. I don't have a desk in this house. So I just gotta make it work or whatever. I'm sitting at a desk, buddy. I don't work at a desk.

I'm used to talking to you while you're lying down.

Yeah, I'm in bed. And I'm on the reverse couch in a bed. That's why I do my best work. From my bed couch,

forget it. We'll save that for a different podcast.

I'm talking about business guy. Come on. Keep your mind clean. This is a family podcast, I thought.

Jeremy, thank you so much for coming on and sharing.

At least I could do. You've helped me out immensely. I respect what you do. And when you asked me, you know, I don't really like talking about like, I don't mind talking to you one on one. And the podcast thing I was like, Oh, you, you know it's at least I could do. I have pretty a lot of things that we talked about are still with

me. Great to hear. Thank you so much. Oh,

my God, nobody else I could say it too. I gotta throw it out a couple of times. I know.

You've got a pretty good Australian accent compared to most speaking of Australia. Does your young fella still wear he's he's a paramedic.

He's got his hat. He likes hats. But he's got some good head of hair, bro. I'm better than mine. My instruments. Hell. He got hair from his mother's side. He's got this thick head of hair. That guy I've had to he's at now. He hasn't like long in the front. And he's always like this. Yeah. So good.

We can talk forever, but Well, let's wrap it up. Thank you again,

man. Good man. bigger brother, Lana.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Grief Code podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Please share it with a friend or family member that you know would benefit from hearing it too. If you are truly ready to heal your unresolved or unknown grief. Let's chat. Email me at info at Ian Hawkins coaching.com You can also stay connected with me by joining the Grief Code community at Ian Hawkins coaching.com forward slash The Grief Code and remember, so that I can help even more people to heal. Please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform.