Listening Before Fixing For Better Relationship

Ian Hawkins 0:02

Are you ready, ready to release internal pain to find confidence, clarity and direction for your future, to live a life of meaning, fulfillment and contribution to trust your intuition again, but something's been holding you back, you've come to the right place. Welcome. I'm a Ian Hawkins, the host and founder of The Grief Code podcast. Together, let's heal your unresolved or unknown grief by unlocking your grief code. As you tune into each episode, you will receive insight into your own grief, how to eliminate it, and what to do next. Before we start by one request, if any new insights or awareness land with you during this episode, please send me an email at info at the end Hawkins coaching.com. And let me know what you found. I know the power of this word, I love to hear the impact these conversations have. Okay, let's get into it.

You can see the solution staring you in the face. So easy to go into fix it mode to go in and solve the problem for the person that you're with. When when you're in it, you know to see it. And when you're just standing there on the outside being the observer either Hi, I'm having a conversation with someone or just watching someone, particularly someone close to you. The answer seems obvious, right? What's not obvious is the solution. We are wired to fix we're problem solvers. We find solutions. We have a lot of knowledge that we want to share, we have a lot of wisdom, we have a lot of skills. And the natural inclination is to want to jump in and fix fix the problem for people. Still more people want their Have a think about how often you've just venting what's going on. We're just talking about your day and someone, maybe a partner or close friend or family member jumps in and tries to give you the solution. It's not the answer. The answer is providing a space for people to solve things on their own. It's become a lost art. When we were growing up, the how often we were bored, and how often we came up with awesome solutions, particularly as kids, some of the best games that I'm about you guys, but the best games that I played were ones that we invented. Now, as we get older, we do less of this, and particularly our children that are too eager to go and attach their eyes attention. Whatever it is to a device or a screen or sound. And for you, all of you as adults, how often are you doing the same, not allowing space allowing silence, not allowing moments for your natural ability to problem solve to come up. So instead, we get stuck in this pattern of fixing other people, because we have a desire to get this ability out. This is big. This was a big one for me with my children, particularly as I got older, stopped talking. When I tried to fix everything, they stopped talking. When I justified other people's behavior, even if it made sense, even if I was giving them a perspective, different perspective, because it's not what they wanted to hear. Now, I noticed this being the case with either with me with my wife, or vice versa is that most of the time you just want to be heard. And that's true for so many different areas. So resisting that urge to fix. Asking questions holding space, allowing space be an active listener. So repeating back to them what you've heard. And then if they know you've got that knowledge, they'll either ask or you can ask permission, Do I have your permission to suggest me? Can I suggest an ID? And if they say no, he shut the fuck up. Simple as that. This is a game changer for relationships that seem simple and it seems obvious. If you have that self awareness through your day and see whether you're doing this consistently or seen whether you're jumping in and trying to be the fixer. And I say this from a perspective of still getting this wrong. Like I go from a At workday, when I'm helping people, I'm providing solutions because that's what they've paid me to do. But then I get home and I haven't gone through my process of switching off from the day and, and resetting. And I'm still in that coach mode. So as I always say, this is not about trying to be perfect. It's about just starting to have that self awareness when it happens. Catch yourself. It's where the journal comes in. Again, you can journal and when you've done it, well the days we've got it, right, and the days when you haven't, just continue to work on this skill and become a better listener and you find you'll be able to not just provide solutions when people want it, which will have a really deep impact, but you'll start improving all of your relationships, to create more of that, given take a exchange of energy and ideas, not from a perspective of control, which is what fixing kind of is, but instead of a much more gentle place of allowing self control for the person that you're dealing with. We'd love to hear your thoughts on this one. It's a it's a very common challenge for many, particularly with husbands wives, partners. Love to hear.

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Grief Code podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Please share it with a friend or family member that you know would benefit from hearing it too. If you are truly ready to heal your unresolved or unknown grief, let's chat. Email me at info at Ian Hawkins coaching.com You can also stay connected with me by joining the Grief Code community at Ian Hawkins coaching.com forward slash The Grief Code and remember, so that I can help even more people to heal. Please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform