Ep 409 - Overcoming The Grief Of Miscarriage with Tania Drobnjak

Ian Hawkins 0:02

Are you ready, ready to release internal pain to find confidence, clarity and direction for your future, to live a life of meaning, fulfillment and contribution to trust your intuition again, but something's been holding you back, you've come to the right place. Welcome. I'm a Ian Hawkins, the host and founder of The Grief Code podcast. Together, let's heal your unresolved or unknown grief by unlocking your grief code. As you tune into each episode, you will receive insight into your own grief, how to eliminate it and what to do next. Before we start by one request, if any new insights or awareness land with you during this episode, please send me an email at info at the Ian Hawkins coaching.com. And let me know what you found. I know the power of this work, I love to hear the impact these conversations have. Okay, let's get into it. Today's guest, Tanya drop and Yak has been a client of mine. So it's always an honor for me to share their story and particularly through a lens of having watched them go on their journey. And I feel a lot of pride in seeing what they're able now to share with the world. And it's no different era Tanya, it actually made me smile a lot through this one around just how far she's come. And this particular story from Tanya was around the grief and the loss that she experienced with her miscarriage, the lack of support that is out there the particularly for how she uniquely experienced that and how she managed to get through that, how she's passionate about helping other women who may have gone through that, and also how much he learned along the way about herself. And the importance of being self empowered to be able to share a creative flair with the world and to be able to be more of who she wants to be. Who she uniquely is in a way that is honoring herself and also the most important people in our world. I really hope you enjoyed this one as much as I did. Everyone and welcome my guest today. Tanya, Robin, Jack, Tanya, how are you?

Unknown Speaker 2:34

Really good. Thank you really good.

Ian Hawkins 2:37

Good to hear. Feel like we've had lots of these chats before. So it's really cool that other people can sit in and listen today and learn from your wisdom. So let's go here. I know I've been trying to get you on for a while. But what inspired you to come on the podcast to share your story?

Speaker 2 2:55

I'm probably around my my journey, maybe even unpacking a little bit more than I probably realized that. Yeah, he's part of my journey. The highlighting factor that sort of got me on a journey to discover who I was.

Ian Hawkins 3:18

Sounds good. Now, Tony has been a client of mine for a fair while and she's what I can say she's grown an amazing amount over a pretty short period of time. So for her to be having these conversations. Yeah, I'm pretty proud of that. Because I guarantee if we're asked to six months ago wouldn't have been something she would have been keen on at least not shaking her head now. Yeah, in agreement. So it's really cool to have her here to tell her story, because she's got an amazing story and an amazing voice to share with the world. So I'm looking forward to share that with all of you now. So your big moment of grief Tanya came about five years ago. And can you share with our listeners what that was and the impact that that had on you?

Speaker 2 4:11

So in 2018, I had a miscarriage. And um, yeah, like I wanted a baby for quite some time. And yeah, when it happened, it happened quite fast. But there was a lot of disconnection from myself. And I was so curious as to why because I felt almost like out of body. But all the spiritual journey that I've done now, he can highlight that there was a lot of warnings there and a lot of guidance that from your spiritual guidance that I'd had, but I didn't realize it wasn't until we got to the I think I had the stage we had three scans, but all the scans just didn't line up. Have the features wasn't growing, as it's meant to that particular week. So I knew that there was something not right. But it was this knowing. But then also medically that's not connected. Like you can't connect that to a medical. So yeah.

Ian Hawkins 5:19

So you're saying that they, even though the, it wasn't growing at the normal rate, they were saying everything's okay. And it's not that like, what, what what?

Speaker 2 5:30

They were pretty much like saying, Oh, maybe we've got the dates wrong or, or, yeah, maybe it's just like growing a little bit slower or, like just a lot of little things that they were saying, or we're not quite sure. And we'll just book you in for the nine week scan. And that came, and I think I had to postpone it for a week for some reason. And then, like, I go into the room, and I remember it being like peach, peach, black and dark. And yeah, she put the probe Bong, and her face like drops. And I could sense. And this is probably the first encounter of the awareness of being an impasse is that I just remember her face and being like, whoa, what's happening here? Because she feels like something's not right. I had to have an internal scan. And I knew that internal scans weren't done. Because at this stage, I would have been 12 weeks, any external step scan is done before eight, I think. So I knew that something wasn't right. I felt like I had a room full of people, which now obviously, being spiritual, I think that I had a lot of guides there. And yeah, I was just panicking. And I was more worried about the poor lady that had to do the scan then myself, and that's what highlights a lot of being an empath is that you do become that other person and you it takes you away from yourself. And anyway. And yeah, I remember her saying there was no heartbeat, and I just Yeah, absolutely crumbled. Because you think that when you start trying, it's just going to happen? It's just gonna, just gonna that's just really not the yeah, there's not enough awareness there to say that this can happen. And yeah, it happened to us. And it started. Yeah, unlocking a million things of who I am. And yeah, the rest is. Yeah, my journey. Yeah.

Ian Hawkins 7:47

That that moment that you described there, and I think anyone who's been through big moments of grief and loss like that, it's it's that surreal moment when the reality sinking in and you're like, I'm actually living this I'm usually hearing from other people about the story imagining myself in it, but this is actually real, but then you've kind of feels like it's not real to at the same time, right?

Speaker 2 8:07

Yeah. And there's a like, the grief starts the process of grief style, doesn't it? It's like the denial it's the anger it's the why me it's all of that sort of stuff gets so highlighted. And I literally felt like it was I was the only person in the world that dealt with this because the away yeah, the the aftermath of it. The medical system, or the health system. They actually don't assist you in this it's just on your way. Go see the guy No. Yeah, he's the XYZ how to get it out. And that's it. And yeah, I

Ian Hawkins 8:50

like counseling offered no, no counseling.

Speaker 2 8:53

No. And I must I must admit the doctor that I had, she'd also experienced it so she helped me a lot and she also she made sure that the guy knew that I got was quiet like had really good bedside manner the other guy No that was practicing at the time was wasn't very inclined. So the guy know that I had she was absolutely amazing and so just so beautiful and she Yeah, really highlighted Yeah, just I can't even put it into words. She Yeah, she just made it really beautiful.

Ian Hawkins 9:39

Yeah, the guest I had was probably a couple months ago now catch Blackburn was talking about similar experience and he said no, no one tells you that this could be a reality no one tells you he's was a stillborn but, but similar in the in the thought process. Surrounded Well, everyone knows that we're pregnant all alone had ever had you told everyone at that point that you.

Speaker 2 10:06

So there's a lot of, there's a lot of hot like, what's the word? There's a lot of encouragement not to announce, but before I send period, so we are in that period. And if the scan had gone ahead, that was probably the time that we would have told our parents, but at the time, it was just discussed between myself, my partner, and I had one friend that I told because I had to have some support. But yeah, no one knew. So then it's then going into this. This cycle of now telling people we were pregnant, but we've lost it, and telling my mom, that was hard. It she, she goes, Oh, you're pregnant? And I said, Yes, I was. But I lost it like, and that's really hard to wrap your head around that they weren't even part of that journey. Yeah,

yeah. Wow. So were you nervous telling her

Speaker 2 11:10

that? I was like, Yeah, I was. Absolutely. Yeah, I didn't even want to announce that we were in, we'd lost it. Like, that's, that's the thing. Because then you almost get a influx of other people's emotions that get wrapped in your own. So, you know, then I want to protect my mum, my dad and my like, you know, I want to protect people because I don't want them to go through this pain that I'm going through. But in actual fact, you have to, you have to gain that support. And it wasn't until I started opening up for my story that other women followed.

Yeah, and that's such a great point. We think that we're protecting people but but actually, ultimately, it's a disservice particularly those people closest to us, because then they feel like you said, I feel left out. But again, it's the this is kind of the in inverted commas done thing that you don't tell anyone and you go through this process. And you mentioned there, it was like, you felt this disconnection from your body. Was that immediate? Like? So what's the what's the process? Do you have to go in for surgery like?

Speaker 2 12:27

So like going back to the disconnection from self that was, when I found out that we were pregnant that I had to like, two lines on the pregnancy. I really thought if we tried for one month, and we got pregnant straightaway, and I was like, we had gone through our own journey to get to that point. And that I literally was like, Oh, my God, I want to go to the rooftop and scream it. And when I saw those, I actually, I knew something was wrong. And that was the god way. Yeah. This connection. I even told the doctor, I don't feel in my, like, even saying that back. Now I understand it. But before it's like, I feel out of my body. I feel like my whole entire soul is sitting next to me. Like, I just had this out of body experience. Like it was warning me. Yeah, it was quite bizarre, but telling the doctor the doctor went, I'm not actually sure what that means. So sorry. I don't know what you mean.

Here, right. So yeah, go on. Sorry. Yeah, I'm like,

Speaker 2 13:39

I like I don't know what to do with this information. Someone helped me like, like, there's something not right. And I can feel it. But I have no understanding of what's going on right now. Can someone please assist me with this? And I didn't have a very big, like, holistic group of friends or, you know, someone like yourself II and like, very quite spiritual. And I could discuss this and we could unpack it further. And it wouldn't be seen as Yeah, someone going oh, that's a bit strange. That's a bit weird. Like, you would actually go Oh, hang on a second. Let's unpack this. This is what's happening. Whereas Yeah, yeah, adopters.

Yeah, you didn't have any of that support network at the time. I

Speaker 2 14:31

know nothing. And I don't even think I had any any spiritual friends at that time. Because I'm yet a bit more spiritual. Like I've got a lot of friends that meet that you know, friendship, that we can share that.

Yeah. And I guess even just from a if people are listening and then are not even necessarily connected with the concept of of being a spiritual thing, just just having someone there who would understand that that mother's instinct that you're already getting. I imagine what should have been this amazing, joyous situation that just didn't feel like that that must have just been strange in itself? He

Speaker 2 15:21

was even strange, because it almost wasn't like the pregnancy was getting set up, either. Like I never got received an orange book that said, this is what's going on. Like I it just never flowed how it was meant to, obviously having my son in 2019. It was a different pregnancy, a whole different pregnancy, how connected I was, how intuitive I was and how you might put it, I was, yeah.

That I feel that that's something that having spoken to countless mums who have been through different challenges, that there's something there that that only a mum, and your mother can explain that, that, that just the knowing around different things. And you think of how many times you hear those stories where they've taken their child back to the doctor and said, there's something not right here. And it's makes it really challenging because there's this this medical place, which is very systematic and has to be. And there's certain reasons for that. But then you come in with this other film, I remember something as simple as nappy rash appearing at the same time as teething, and saying, oh, that's, there's no, there's no evidence that that's linked, but you ask every single parent, they went, Well, why don't why does it but why does it show up at the same time? Right? So so how, how did you get through that time? When you're feeling like, well, it's almost like your feelings and thoughts and knowing is being completely invalidated. And yet, at the same time, you're feeling all this stuff, and you having to go through this, this challenging time, the complete opposite to what you thought it was gonna be.

Speaker 2 17:12

I to get through it, it was just talking, he was like, it was that's when I needed in my village the most. And that's when I started asking people for get like, I'm going through this, I need assistance, I need help, I need to talk about it. You know, through the program, like I like talking through things, so it was very healing for me because as soon as I open to my voice, another five mothers would, would come and then you know, you open your voice again. And, you know, people that people that I felt quite envious of that had these beautiful family and I you know, I wanted that they had had four miscarriage, like and I've had no idea or, you know, they had to before their second son or like, whatever. And I was just gobsmacked that the awareness around these subjects is limited. And it really upsets me that I was in the position that day to feel so alone. And so. Yeah, yeah. So I was just so alone, and I couldn't breathe. And yeah, obviously through reaching out, and like getting the courage to speak up. It made me more empowered. Just tell my story.

Yeah, good on you. Did that take some time though? Like, like you, you started to find people to talk to but but was that difficult or the or did you just instinctively seek out people? Or just friends or like, how did that unfold?

Speaker 2 18:56

Um, I Yeah, we took we took a while to even till the inlaws. We Yeah, I think it was just like, probably my parents and my sister and Miko and like, the friends that are obviously told that I was pregnant to begin with. But I looked I pretty much locked myself away. I felt ashamed of, of what was happening. I, you know, you almost feel like your body is. Yeah, like, my body is meant to hold this baby. And it's meant to nurture and it did the opposite of it. But then through understanding about my body, I started realizing how powerful it was that it realized that it wasn't actually meant to be and that he did exactly what needed to happen. So obviously that taken a lot of time a long time for me to come to that conclusion. But yeah, like I can't believe how powerful our as a woman how powerful are our bodies actually are?

Well, there's a theory that there's a reason why women get pregnant and men don't, right? Because we probably wouldn't be able to go. Oh, that's a stereotype. But yeah, I'm pretty happy to hear that.

Speaker 2 20:21

We need the masculine and the feminine. Like, that's why we're at

balance. Exactly. You mentioned something else there at the start, that was very true for me as well, in my big moment of grief, worrying about how everyone else is in your darkest moment. Like, I can remember being in intensive care, like when we're basically saying goodbye to my dad, and I'm worried about us being overly hysterical and maybe upsetting some other people in the room who's who, you know, may be facing a similar scenario. But I'm pretty sure I've said this on a couple of these different interviews. But it's like it's crazy thinking about it. Now looking back, but at the time, it's, it's that what you mentioned earlier, being being the empath, you're just constantly in that position of being responsible for everyone and trying to make sure everyone's okay, from that emotional perspective, as a way of avoiding your own stuff at eye level as well.

Speaker 2 21:22

And that's what that's what happens. It goes into, let's just, let's just put the emphasis on someone else. So then I don't have to deal with what's in reality happening. Because instantly I I actually wanted to write a letter to the nurse to make sure she was okay. Because I can't believe how hard that is to say to like, someone, there is no hobby. And she had she told us that like it wasn't like the doctor came in, or anything. I think someone came in for a second opinion. I can't remember the stage. Everything's going quite black. So I can't remember a lot. But all I remember is my partner's hand on my shoulder like holding me like that was it? And yeah, just very dark. But yeah, like the fact that I was so concerned about hers. And obviously, I released a lot when we got out. But I remember my partner just said, just hang on a second, just hang on a second lot. And we go into the car, and then I was releasing it. Because there was like a whole waiting room full of people. And yeah, like walking I had to walk through it was like, Yeah, walking through. Not shining. But like, yeah, just start burying, burying your head in the sand and walking through all these people and trying to get out. I remember the doors just opening and I just released and was like, But why can't I do that? In the room? Why couldn't I do that? Yeah, why couldn't I do that anywhere? Like,

yeah, it's amazing. These crazy rules we place on ourselves or, or thoughts on what's right and wrong, instead of just allowing us to be a however we need to be

in the moment be in the moment. Yeah.

The actual toll on your physical body. Like was was it significant?

Speaker 2 23:26

Um, yes. Because I. Yeah, because so there's two ways that you can like, because I had a missed miscarriage. So my body was still processing processing, like it was still pregnant. So I didn't have any signs or anything. Like in reference to it. So that's another another thing like, obviously, I'm sorry, add, like, I'm so in the knowing that something's not right. But then I'm still processing it. Like I would be pregnant. So.

So again, it's a completely unique experience inside a pretty unique experience.

Speaker 2 24:10

Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, yeah, yeah.

So how did you deal with that side of things that that part of you is just carrying on as if, if everything is normal, but there's the part of you that's

Speaker 2 24:29

and I was almost like, I didn't want any more. I think that now it had happened because I was so disconnected. It's almost like I was like, now I just don't, don't want like, this is so uncomfortable. I've never been pregnant before so I can't even I can't even compare it to, you know, it was a whole new experience. And you know, we get all these you know, videos and films and stuff like that, that showcase like what a pregnancy is and Yeah, I don't think I've got nausea, but I didn't get it with with my son anyway. But yeah, like, it's just so unique to the individual and so unique to the pregnancy that you can't really compare it anyway. And yeah, obviously, after you've had the year, the there's no heartbeat, they have to go through the process of like taking it out. So you can have a DNS. I can't remember what it's called. But I ended up having drills to have it removed. So I actually went home and it came out at home. So yeah, like, that was another experience in itself, because then I had to then collect it and then take it to the doctor. And they had to then like, yeah, go through that process of the results from from it and what had happened. But yeah, like, it's just yeah, to

my, to my mind, what you describe in is the part that like, from my perspective feels like that would be the most traumatic part. Like

Speaker 2 26:08

I don't even want to go into that. Because pretty face out and pretty. Yeah, like, so. Yes. Like you hear about miscarriage. Yes, you hear about all of that sort of stuff, but you don't hear about that those parts that are so traumatic, that you have to go through alone. And yeah.

Yeah. Horrific. Tell me, did you have any sort of ceremonial or otherwise, moment of closure?

Speaker 2 26:42

Um, no. So maybe if I had it happened, while I was more spiritual, I'd probably would have done something. But I remember, one of my friends at the time gave me a little like a little teddy. And she said that, like, you can do whatever you'd like with it, because I had no understanding of what how to process grief because you build an image of the life when you see the pregnancy test done. It's saying, yes, you're pregnant, and you build this image, but then you now grieving an image, you're not grieving. Like there is obviously something but no one's seen it. So it's all like, mind and that so? Yeah, she'd actually bought me this. It was a little tiny. Bumblebee. And yeah, she bought me that and she said, I don't doesn't matter what you do with it, you can get bury it, you can do XYZ. I've still got it. And I thought that was the most beautiful thing to have this item because I had no idea how to grieve the process. And I can't remember if she'd had someone she knows experienced that or what that. Yeah, it was a very thoughtful gesture that I hadn't thought of.

Yeah, powerful. Had she been through a miscarriage of her own? Or did she knew?

Speaker 2 28:10

No. So I don't know if it was something that she'd seen. Like, maybe passing of a family member or something. And maybe she was given something I'm not entirely sure on the details of it. But yeah, it was very powerful to be given this, this item, and to be like, Well, you can't you can't see it. Like I always knew all what it was all in my mind. But then now I'd gotten something to represent it.

I love that. And regardless of what motivated her what a what an amazing gift that she's given you. They're just thinking about it now. Do you feel like there's any need for any closure on it? Or did you come to a point somewhere where you were you reached that

Speaker 2 29:02

the closure for me was recognizing how powerful my body was? And in in thinking that it was battling me actually was like helping me because obviously there was something not right. And it needed to Yeah, it wasn't viable for long term pregnancy so yeah, like I think that was my closure. Just understanding and really the closure became being a mother to my son and that healed a great amount of things but then that are locked even more stuff

Yes,

yeah. And I know by how proud you are of that little man that just how important he is in your world. Hmm,

Speaker 2 30:00

I'm sorry. So definitely becoming a mum now. It's because I've had the miscarriage I think it's made me know that I want to be a mum, like having that experience. There's more emphasis on how much I wanted this and how much I yeah, just how much I wanted it, and that I'm a better mum for having that experience. So that was a lot of the coat closure as well.

Do you think looking back that that you may have had some doubt about whether you are ready to be a moment then if you if you

Speaker 2 30:39

so if you look like Louise Hay or the either Seco Borg Parrish is not ready for being a mum. So interesting. Yeah. Yeah.

I like what you said there, because I've heard people describe that as well. It's like, your body is constantly bringing awareness to you. And like, is that just natural nature's way of saying no, this is not meant to happen now. Because of, like you said, From a physical perspective, but then also from from just from an emotional perspective. It's, it's fascinating. I also think it's important to point out and maybe I'll get you to answer this is saying you you're not ready. Doesn't mean you assign blame to yourself, for the miscarriage write it just because it's because there might be a link there doesn't mean that there's any fault there. So all that or that you created that scenario, like in any sort of way? No,

Speaker 2 31:47

it's just my journey. So insane that, like, everything happens in the divine timing. If I didn't have if I didn't have a miscarriage, I wouldn't have Theo. It's the divine timing. So no, like, that's the journey I had to go through as as absolutely horrible and shit that I actually go through that. It's bringing so much awareness to around this, the subjects and every time I hear someone that has gone through a miscarriage, I reached out because I hope that they're not feeling alone, like I was. So yeah, your trauma is your biggest blessing to help serve others that are going through it. So yeah,

yeah. tingles through that one. Two things, if anyone listening who might be thinking, but I can't listen, I can't look at it like that just yet. I'll just remind you that Tanya's done a heap of work on this, like, not just the work that that that we did together, but you've you've done this, you've done a heap of, of healing work on this over what we're talking five years now, right to come to this point, but you can look at it so. So in such a balanced way.

Speaker 2 33:08

Yes. And yeah, like, one thing to probably take away from someone that's experiencing it, too, just let it flow, how it needs to, like, embrace the grief, the grieving process, be angry, be sad, be upset, be whatever you need to because there will come a point where you might feel like I am. And if you don't, that's also okay. Like, your journey is uniquely to you. I've just, it's just brought the awareness out for me and my journey. So whatever they're going through, that's their own personal journey. And I'm, yeah, no journeys right or wrong.

I love that. Love that so much. And again, I talked about pride at the start, I'm just so proud of listening to how you describe this. was just such, knowing that word you use before. The second thing I was gonna say before was like, what when you reach that thing that you want to help people because you never want anyone to go through what you went through? Like, that's where you really start to deepen that sense of purpose. Right? Like, yes. And yeah, yeah, go on.

Speaker 2 34:29

Yeah, that's that's how that's we unpacked something similar in your session. That blew me away that yeah, we have Pinnacle times in our life and they're where we drift into purpose because it seems to be that flow of year where you want to make a difference in the world and yeah, help help people or that's my that's my thing. I would like to help as many people as I can, through the awareness that I got through my journey,

love that. And we'll we'll come to how you've managed to unlock more of yourself and some of the ways that you're doing that yourself and now starting to help other people as well. But I want us to just unpack some more of the this different stuff you talked about. You mentioned the word shame. And I know, this is true for mums, whether they've got children now, whether they've had different experiences, that that word shame just keeps coming up again and again. And again, because of this unrealistic expectation that's been placed upon them that's that they place upon themselves that this high level of expectation they set them for themselves. Can you share a little bit about that? Firstly, the shame around the miscarriage firstly, and then, and then maybe some of that around,

Speaker 2 35:51

when it's quite interesting that you even saying the word and I feel so disconnected from shame. Like, yes, shame feels so icky. And so like, yeah, it feels so not right in my body. And I can't believe that. That's something that I would describe the, the, yeah, the journey that I went on, and, you know, walking out there as those doors and saying to you like the walk of shame, but like, it almost feels like that word shouldn't even be in the definition of Yeah, the space of what I'd gone through like to say that I watched by Hatcher walk the walk of shame. Like, why? Yeah, why did why do I even use those words? Because? Yeah, like, it was just an experience. And yeah, I shouldn't attach that, that word to, to it.

Yeah. It's

Speaker 2 36:59

so good. Yeah, that's, that's how you process doesn't, doesn't it? Unfortunately.

Yeah, that's just part of the grieving process. And it's normal. I think that the key point I would see from that is, is that you can stay in that shame for years and years and years. Or you can take the steps that you've chosen to take, which is to be self empowered, and, and to be able to address it and then come out the other side, like, the fact that you're able to sit here and go, Wow, well, why why would I even relate to that? Well, it to me, it just shows just how far you've come going on this journey. So if you think about life, from that perspective, what what's the most important lesson that you would want to share with other mums who have been through a miscarriage and perhaps still haven't? haven't been able to rationalize it in their own mind?

Speaker 2 38:00

Probably to say that, it's okay. Like, the, like, it's a right, it doesn't have a dent, like, you know, putting a definition or putting anything, like meaning to it. It's got no meaning. Unfortunately, it happened, like, I joined like saying that, because like, it's a touchy subject, and we're going through our own grief. So I can't sit here and say how someone else should be feeling. I just hope that they can get to a point in their life where they feel somewhat empowered by what they've been through, not dismissing that it was uncomfortable, or Yeah, or all the other definitions that I've said, like shame and all of that wrapped into it, but I just want I just hope that they feel some comfort that it just wasn't right. And in, you know, in my journey, five years, I'm sitting here, it makes sense now, it makes sense, John packet now, and it makes sense how I had to go through all of that to get to where I am. Yeah, I just hope that it makes sense in some divine timing for them as well.

It's a great that, that everyone's situation is unique. So you're not here to tell anyone that this is how it should be like that. That's so yeah, I love it. And it's, you use the phrase earlier uniquely you and I think if if I've learned anything about grief is that it will be completely unique. So it's not about comparing there's no there's actually no value in comparing your grief with someone else thinking you should be doing better or worse or because for some people, one kind of loss might be far harder than than others. Like I'm thinking about a conversation I had with Shane Aaron Camillo just the other week. And she's had, like, friends passing miscarriage breakup of a marriage like she she rattled off a whole lot of them. But the, but there was one that had a far bigger impact than all of them because of her own unique experience. And yeah, I love that you've raised that point. And you're I think, if you look at other women who might have gone through a miscarriage, I think what how you've described that is, will give them a lot of peace. Thank you. That's okay. When you do you make a conscious decision that you're going to try to fall pregnant again. Or, you guys just whatever will be will be.

Speaker 2 40:51

So there's like a point where they say you can't try for a certain amount of time. I can't remember the exact timeframe. But I remember when we did start trying, there was more emphasis to get pregnant and then feeling so. Yeah, I felt so busy. Like it was so bizarre that we'd fallen pregnant the first month, then why wasn't happening it straightaway. Like, I had to go through the journey of trying. And that's like a mind game in itself. Like that's physically the probably the one of the biggest things that yet that I went on, that he doesn't need to be that hard. But we all go through that when we want to try and it doesn't happen straightaway. We go through our own journey, and it takes a while. And then we've got our mindset that we have to strengthen that and then you know, and then they say, Oh, just just let it be like you're thinking about it too much. But when you want something so much, you then go to this point of Yeah, like you're burnt out, like you're pretty much burnt out from it. And then the point that it hit me that I was like, I'm done. I'm absolutely physically mentally exhausted. I'm done. Like, let's not stop, like, let's stop trying. Let's just like see where things go. And I remember I was at a baby shower, and I saw kids running around. And I remember going, do I actually want that? And I'd gone through this knee kneeling, like, whole year of trying, and then I'd gone Oh, I don't know if I really want it. And yeah, and I was actually pregnant with my son, though.

Amazing. God, yeah, amazing. And often that happens when you get to that point of I'm done with this, that everything starts to unfold. Yeah. Again, I can't know what it's like specifically for a mother, but like, just through my own similar experiences. You start doubting yourself, you start questioning yourself, what's wrong with me? Like, like, this must be something with me. And then you get on that whole, like, internal dialogue of just garbage, where you just you're trying to make sense of it on your own? Why isn't this happening? And then you put more pressure on yourself. And that only makes it more challenging, right?

Speaker 2 43:34

And you you actually start your own? Yeah, I don't know if these are the correct words, but it's all like that subconscious blueprint that just gets played constantly in the background, constantly playing and you're like, I'm not good enough. It's not never going to happen to us. This is my story. Like, maybe I don't want it as much or I'm not deserving. Like, something's wrong with me. Like, how absolutely horrible that someone has to go through all that negative self talk, to have a family. And yeah, like, it's hard. And there's plenty of people that are going on their own journey. And yeah, they're struggling and they're wanting it with every breath that they take. And it's not happening and I I feel bad that even just saying that when I let it go, it happened. But it doesn't always happen for everyone like that. Yeah, he just that was our, my journey that I let go and I had to go through that process. We had I had to grieve that. And I remember even going through the supermarket and wondering why I'm quite a bubbly person. Everyone smiles at me. I was wondering why no one was smiling at me. And no one was saying hello. And there was a pinnacle time where it shifted. And I remember walking through the supermarket happy, and I let go of a lot of stuff. And maybe I released a lot of the grief. So many people started smiling at me. And they were like saying, hello again. And I'm like, it's so funny what your inner world matches your outside world. And I couldn't believe that I was so depressed and so much stuck in that grief that my outside world looks like the same.

Amazing that you can then look back and be able to make sense of all that. But even at the time, being able to be able to have that level of awareness. And again, I thank you, Tanya, for sharing all of this, because what it does it it helps with any other well, not just women, but but people going through this, I will also add very deliberately not including any details around your partner or family through this because you're wanting to keep that private. So I just want to make that clear for the listeners that we're not we're not ignoring that part of the world. We are ignoring that part of the story. But we're but it's intentional.

Speaker 2 46:22

And that's not my story to to show here. And I do highlight that, obviously, like my partner had his own process. But that's his story to tell. And open to the right people. I want to bring awareness to the mums here. I also want to note that, don't forget about the dads either they have their own process, because they feel even more disconnected than us as mothers. But I can't, I can't give that that reflection there. So yeah, we definitely don't want to forget about the dads.

Absolutely. I just want to make that clear that you're not ignoring him through this conversation. But this is how you want to tell your story. And we will and will absolutely honor that. So you start trying was was it a bittersweet experience? And I'll I'll preface that by saying we were we had our first scan and with our first child, and I remember that being excited, but just nervous and worried. And of course, maybe, maybe the worry was because there was some sort of, you know, feeling about this being something not quite right, because then of course, we get this information that there's something that's not usual, it could be completely fine as it turned out, it was but like it's, it's, it's just something we need to pay some attention to. And so I just remember, like going into that experience, and then the next scan the same like, like, oh, wow, this is gonna be amazing, but also just freaking the hell out of like, all I want might be might, what we find in this situation.

Speaker 2 48:11

And that's even more sad that such a joyous time become so tainted by what could happen. Or, as you were saying your story, I literally all I kept thinking was a when is this going to get taken away from us? When is it going to get taken away, like, and, you know, this scans through my pregnancy, with my son, it definitely was a lot different because there was a bit more knowing and a bit more confidence. But it was still very hard to go through the scan and be nervous and every, every appointment and you know, you get prodded and probed and you know you have to give samples and this and that and blood tests and all of that to make sure that everything's alright. Yeah, and that's a journey in itself. And it's supposed to be a magnificent, joyous time, and it's so tainted by what could happen.

Absolutely. Now, through all of this, it's given you an opportunity to go on this journey of self discovery. And you're at that point now of realizing just how important that journey has been but like I talk a lot about it's not just the grief that happens from that moment, but it's all this other stuff that that comes flooding surface. So yeah, sorry.

Speaker 2 49:51

Yeah, that falls into place. Yeah, like really just Yeah.

So So what was what was something be Yeah, that that came to you not necessarily the positive way after going through all of this

Speaker 2 50:14

Yeah, I think I, I honestly think that I was so dis aligned with who I am. And I was so lost. That's what brought me back. And that's what sent me on the journey. I was so lost in you know, and we've, I've got a very big thing about expectations and my life, how it should have planned out and I wanted to have five kids and I wanted this and I wanted a white picket fence, and life doesn't happen in that way. It really does, like, shake you up and spit you out sort of thing. But yeah, I just the fact that I was so lost. That's how I rediscovered myself and through Yes, like, spiritual? Like, that's how I. Yeah. And he was highlighted from meditation that really? Yeah, the the awareness that I had through meditation was quite powerful. And that's sort of where things started.

Yeah. So how did you stumble across meditation? Was it something that was introduced to you? Or did you find it by chairs or

Speaker 2 51:30

so I did a bit of meditation when I had SEO, because I couldn't sleep, I could not switch off. There was just so much going on that I liked it a little bit of meditation here and there. I gotten told about it. I dabbled with it a little bit. But it wasn't until after I had fi Oh, that there was and yeah, there was a, like a group that started up in Wila. And it was a bit of a mid. It's like a meditation, we'd meet in the morning, and we'd go through the stuff. But I think at that time, too, I came across your start start program, like the free ones that you did. And I remember the the massive, the massive amount of visualization that I got through meditation that just blew me away. Yeah.

Awesome, free plug. Thank you. I didn't ask you to do that. But that's cool. So one thing I didn't know of your 10 year is that you've you've built, whether by design, or just through your own journey, you've built this wonderful community of women in Wailoa. And I know from how many of these amazing ladies you've introduced me to that you take great pride and, and love of actually being able to not just nurture your community, but allow yourself to be part of that nurturing too, and to be able to have a place where you can go and talk to people that safe. How important has that been for you, over the last five years to be able to have another group of women who are not just not just there, to receive, but to be give to be able to give and receive to be able to support each other and lift each other up?

Speaker 2 53:27

So yeah, I want to highlight the fact that, yeah, nice is quite emotional, but I feel home, in that circle of friends, I feel so home and I feel so proud of who I am. And because we as like a almost a reflection of each other. What I see in other people is such a beautiful mirror of what I have to offer. So when when we go to our, like cat shops and stuff like that, it's just so empowering to be in these powerful women that are holistic, that are spiritual that that might not meet the benchmark of rules, and you know, that they're throwing it out there that, you know, they're questioning everything, and it's a beautiful space to be in. Yeah, and I absolutely feel 110% home because I'm so aligned with who I am. I've been embraced 110% And yeah, I I leave with them dancing my skin.

Yeah, awesome. Now I know one of the real powerful things that whether whether it was discovering or rediscovering but it's certainly been an important part of your journey, and that's your creativity. And it shines through the the amazing food that you create, in that part of your business. And it's the just more recently the A poetry that you've been writing and sharing with the world and in so many other ways, how important is as you being able to embrace that creative part have you been for your, for your overall growth journey?

Speaker 2 55:12

So, the, the poems that I write, that has been absolutely eye opening, and I probably, I probably discovered it. Maybe when I started the meditation, and I wrote this really long, like poem, obviously, will just note that my poems have gone from about five paragraphs to like one. So they have been, like, condensed so much. And obviously, my words have become so much more powerful than they were. But yeah, through everything that I went through, I suffer from depression and anxiety. So when I would get into a bit of a rut, I would just have these like thoughts and these like, panic, call moments where I'd go, okay, like, what's going on here through awareness? And then I'll just start writing. And what come through I, I still get quite blown away with what was written, because I'm like, what just happened? Because I can't believe that I've just read that. And, or Senate or whatever.

Yeah. And then, and then you get this reaction from people that's like, wow, that was amazing. And I've seen you even still go, really?

Speaker 2 56:35

Yeah, I always say I've got to go through my own journey through that, because I've gone. Sometimes my writing, and my poems don't make sense to me. And I used to judge it. I used to sit there and say, Oh, that words too. too simple. I need to put a bit more emphasis on that that word like, but now I just flow with it, I just write exactly what needs to come out. And I know that that if that poem wasn't for me, that poem was meant for someone else. And I hope if I have one reader reader, I hope that that's that shift something in their mindset or awareness.

Oh, goosebumps. Whether you create for business, or you just create for the joy, how you just described then is perfect. If If just one person gets benefit from that, and if that one person is just yourself, then it's served its purpose, right? I even think about like a lot of people in business gets so caught in their marketing and going on no one read that or no one wants, like you don't want usually the people that it impacts the most, they don't let you know, that you you may find out down the track. Or they may end up having a conversation with you where they say, you know, that thing you wrote there? Yeah, it's about one person is getting it that one person is having an impact. And it's, it's why it just yeah, get get those creative juices flowing people, like if you even if you just inspire someone else to go, Oh, look at that person going and doing something that they love. I want to do that as well. Well, then, yeah, people are watching when you get into that space, right?

Speaker 2 58:21

And do you know what, there's no time stamp on it, we put his time stamp on it, we go, Okay, I've read this poem. Now I want that person to read it, that person has to go through their journey to then read it in, say, three months time in a month time will tomorrow. Like there's no time stamp on it. And I think that there's so much around this ideal that I've read it now. And it needs to improve someone right now. It won't, it'll improve, or, like, inspire or encourage or motivate whatever, someone whenever they need it. And that's what I'm trying to highlight with my poems. Because you've told me a lot of times why new starting account? Why are you putting it out there? And I was always like, Oh, someone like, you know, copy them or whatever. No, I don't care how it comes out in the world. I'm trying to put it out there. And I just want it to flow how it needs to for someone reading. And yeah, the poem doesn't have a timestamp, it'll, it'll change someone's life. Five months, can use whatever my words are out there. That's, yeah, that's what I want to highlight.

Love it. And the word that came to mind when you were describing all that is it's letting go of the control of it, needing it to be something that actually you described it. We build this idea of what our life should be like in the future, and we're constantly doing that. It has to be this it has to be this but the reality is never like we've imagined that never exactly the same. So the more you can just embrace the creativity and the unknown of the future and embrace the all of the potential outcomes, the more we're going to enjoy it. Right?

Speaker 2 1:00:13

I am, I would like to highlight that I've actually got, I've actually got a poem that I thought, yeah, that I thought I should read. Actually, it actually comes like, straight into Yeah, into exactly what you've just mentioned, which I knew intuitively would. So, so this was one of the poems that I wrote, flow with it, how it's meant to flow, it's a journey, right? We can knock out the path, we have to just step into it, and then flow with how it flows.

Beautiful. Goosebumps. And How perfect is that that that was able to come through the conversation, as you intuitively knew that it would. So 10 Yet, this is your platform, is there anything else you want to share with us doesn't necessarily have to be men, women, or whatever individual group or just a message that you want to share around? When people are going through challenging times, and how they might best deal with that?

Speaker 2 1:01:35

That's a, that's a big question. Because I have so much that I could probably say,

Just take your time and allow the the most important one to flow through from your perspective,

Speaker 2 1:01:48

the thing that's getting highlighted is awareness. It's always awareness. It's always reflection, whether that be journal entry, whether that be meditation, whether that be speaking out to someone, like, we need to have that moment, and we need to allow it to come to the surface to let it be released. And through my journey. What's highlighted time and time again, is my amazing awareness of what's going on inside my body, the messages that are being received, the knowing the gut feeling, just everything, that's what needs to be read, like, it needs to be tweaked so much in everyone, because that's when they're going to have the most amount of growth. That's where the reflections come, that's where the shifts can, that's when the lessons get learned. It's just all of that bundled up into awareness. Like, yeah.

The term that comes to mind is knowing thyself. And then the with the awareness piece, the surround your surrounds as well and your environment. Yeah, so great. Thank you for sharing that. That's right.

Speaker 2 1:03:05

And don't get don't get lost in how you meant to be like, you know, we have to be so empowered with who we are. And you are like, You are a special human being like every single person that's listening to this. You are a very special human being embrace that. Because that's exactly what you taught me in your program. Embrace who you are. And yeah, because there's nothing to be ashamed of, get, get to know your shadow self, get to know your inner child, all of it. It's yeah, remarkable when you really step into who you are, because that's when their confidence shines.

Absolutely. And I love how self empowered you are, and how much you are shining through all now, Tanya. So thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story. Where can people read more of your poetry?

Speaker 2 1:04:03

So it's Tanya jop Marie's dot journal on Instagram. The link will be down below.

Yeah.

Speaker 2 1:04:15

So click on the link and have a read and hopefully some of the poems will get Yeah, in power you like they have mean when I've written them.

Love it. We'll make sure we get the link in there and highly recommend it. You've got you've got some magic in your words there and I love watching the show and thanks again Tanya for for sharing so openly and hopefully inspiring. Just one other person out there for their own journey. Thank you.

Speaker 2 1:04:48

Thank you so much for having me on. I've like it's been so empowering. Being on on here. I was a little bit nervous. But yeah, I think it's even I lighted massively what the journey I've got going on and yeah through helping maybe someone listening I've also yeah helped myself as well. And yeah, it's been yeah bloody awesome.

Well said love it I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Grief Code podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Please share it with a friend or family member that you know would benefit from hearing it too. If you are truly ready to heal your unresolved or unknown grief, let's chat, email me at info at Ian Hawkins coaching.com You can also stay connected with me by joining the Grief Code community at Ian Hawkins coaching.com forward slash The Grief Code and remember, so that I can help even more people to heal. Please subscribe and leave a review on your favorite podcast platform