When Things Have To Change | 033

Have you ever been in a situation where you know you're done with something, where things have to change, or else, I recently reached that point, and sadly it affects you, because it involves me putting a pause on this podcast. Now let me backtrack and give you some story, because, of course, there's story involved, and I want to give you a little context. Now, I'm someone who loves hosting. I'm out going. I love to give energy. I've always been someone who enjoys gathering people for dinner or hosting games nights or feeding people big breakfasts. I used to host yoga retreats in Mexico, in Hawaii. I've always been in services where I'm serving people, where I'm supporting and holding space. And what I've recently come to realize is how I give energy needs to change, because my layers of protection that I've spoken to or shared in other episodes restricts me from receiving and being filled back up, and the level of exhaustion that I am feeling needs support, and the only way I can support replenishing myself is to not be outputting energy anymore. So this pause is temporary. I still love this podcast. I still love doing my one on ones. I still love hosting groups and workshops and programs. And this is where it's interesting. I was meant to start my four month program discover right about now. And what ended up happening is I not only became aware of my energy output, but my sense is that's the energy that I'm holding, and how does that attract others? So the result not a soul even signed up for a sales call, a discovery call about my program. Not a soul signed up. Now this has never happened before, and there are many factors that I believe are involved, but a big one I believe, is a reflection back to me and the universe slapped me in the face a little being like you need to take time to yourself now. Now I'm really grateful for all my one on one clients, who we've been, for the most part, working together for a while. They're well resourced. There are very few people that I see on a weekly basis, and when I told all of them, because I hadn't even created my November schedule yet, because I was waiting for Discover to know what my schedule would be the amount of love and support I received from clients that I get to practice. Receiving has been profound and so impactful. So a big thank you to any of you that are listening now. You may be able to relate this output of energy. Maybe you're someone who also puts out all this energy, but you're so depleted, you're tired, you're exhausted, and the challenge is receiving. So I want to speak a little bit to my own experience around receiving protection, and ultimately, what I'm unraveling and discovering that at the core of my my my lack of being able to receive abundance of any kind. So again, like I said, I've spoken to my level of protection a number of times, and for me, what's really coming into my awareness as I dive deeper into my inquiries is I really feel how that protection is actually rooted in a lack of trust. This is where it's interesting. Now I want to speak a little to being in functional freeze. Now, when we are in functional freeze, as I am, have been and coming out of, I believe most of us are in some layer of functional freeze, and that means we're disconnected from feeling to some extent. And when we're doing this work, we are thawing. That freeze is shifting. And what mean? What happens when that freeze is shifting is we actually start to feel all the things that we avoided feeling in the past. Now, the joys of that is we get more access to joy, to love, to pleasure, to connection, to deeper awareness of the bigger picture that we're part of. Yet it also means we have to feel all the. Are things that we've been avoiding that involve not feeling great, not feeling like we're fine, not feeling like we have it all together. And that's, you know, the double edged sword here of doing this work, we have to move into these layers that we've been avoiding. So functional freeze is great. You know, I do it well, and coming across like, I've got it all together, I'm doing fine. I'm strong and independent over here, spoken to this a lot on this podcast. And as I peel back the layers and discover, like, oh, what's it like to actually not be fine? What's it like to actually not have it all together. What's it like to be in the vulnerable states of that? And that really challenges my layers of protection now, as we peel back the layers, the things that we've been bypassing, the things we override and don't feel because we shift back into being fine, or, you know, resorting on our resources or coping strategies or our survival patterns, this is what starts to come more and more into our awareness the More we do this work. It is not easy. And I can't imagine doing it any other way. Sometimes I wish you know that I never got into this work and that I just worked the nine to five and did my thing and didn't have to feel the many layers and stayed in that functional freeze and carried on with life as you do. There's nothing wrong with that, yet here I am feeling back layer by layer. And then the deeper we go, the deeper we experience, and the more we're not able to override anymore, the more we're not able to push through, the more we're not able to bypass our experiences. So I want to speak a little now to this level of trust. It's interesting, right? Because as humans, Can we really trust each other? You know, like, if you look back at our evolution, can we trust each other? I don't know. No. Yet. There's something deeper in trust that feels profound to me. So there's this lack of trust. Like, Yeah, can I survive this? But if that's not always on, imagine what you might experience. What I see in the world is we don't trust each other, so we're always on slightly we're always on guard, we're always a little hesitant, we're always a little protected. Maybe you can relate to that and see what it's like to tune into that quality of being on, being protected, being guarded, and how much energy that takes, and how much that doesn't allow us to receive and be in the flow of the exchange of energy, whether it's with nature, whether it's with other humans, whether it's with, you know, source, whatever this exchange and flow of energy could be, we block ourselves, or we play games and, You know, take energy or deplete ourselves and get small and give our energy away. But imagine being in a world where we're just able to be in this natural flow, where we're giving but we're also receiving, where we're replenished, where we feel alive, where we're able to soften, unless something indicates something's off here. Don't trust this person. And this is what I'm inquiring into, this deep layer of not trusting that feels intergenerational, that feels so so old, and is holding on so tightly. And what's really cool, as I'm playing with it, is I get glimpses into what life is like when I trust and it's bringing up some emotion right now, there's this real expansive state of love that I experience when that trust softens. Now I'm still deep, deeply in it, and this is why I need to take a break. This is why I need to shift how I'm putting out energy, and why I need to actually soften into that infinite love, to shift out of that lack of trust that's always on. It can still be on when it needs to be on, but it doesn't need to always be on anymore, and in that, I really feel myself softening into so much I don't even have words for it yet,

so stay tuned. And I'm just really aware of the impact that all of this is having on me, my physical body, how hard it's working. Seeking to protect me while I'm depleting myself with this energy that I'm giving out and the way it's impacting my relationships, my friendships. There's many friends where I can't stay in touch because I don't have the capacity to hold space. It drains me too much because all I know how to do is be this energy out giver, I don't know how to hold back and receive in the ways that I want to. So this is actually a shout out to all my friends where I feel like I'm distant, or I feel like I'm don't care, or I feel like, you know I'm not in touch anymore. It's not you, it's me. It's this lack of being able to be in this space now I'm grateful to have friends where I feel safe enough and there is trust enough where I can actually be supported and have rich conversations and deepen into my my ability to be in more intimate dynamics. And there's other situations where I don't so I protect myself and I all I know how to do is pour out energy. So I am taking some time because it feels like I need to be away from other people. I need to be away from situations where any output is involved, and I need to really heal this lack of trust. I'm at this point that if I don't do it differently, I'm going to completely exhaust myself, and who knows what that might look like. So this episode is to notify you that I'm taking a pause to invite you into your own inquiry, into the ways you protect and and guard yourself from receiving to inquire into what's at the core of it. Maybe you can relate to this lack of trust and the honest, the guardness, the fear that's always there, however deep because this, this was in the background for me for a really long time. Because ultimately, I trust everyone in a bypassing way. The truth is, at the core of it, I don't trust anyone, right? So just inviting you to inquire, where are you still in fear? Where are you still in protection? How can you deepen your awareness of that? Recognize it's there for a reason, something stuck in time that feels like it has to do what it's doing. Well, also, I really, really hope that you're able to get the support and you're able to take the space to do the deeper inquiring, to peel back the layers and soften bit by bit, because, Damn, it's an ongoing process into this infinite love that we're all a part of, into this place where we can feel so safe within ourselves and with those that we love, unless there's a sign of danger, and then we shift back into protecting because there's a reason why we need to. And then when that threat is gone, we can soften again. So here's to the ongoing journey. Thank you so much for being here with me. So far, I will be back. I know that I'm enjoying this too much, and let this be a sign that, you know, maybe you can also create some sort of shift. And I acknowledge I am very lucky where I have the ability, not so much financially. That's another kicker, but that's a topic for a whole other time. But to take time I don't have those responsibilities. I don't have a place I'm renting or an own right. I have set myself up in a way, or things have unfolded in a way, where this is available for me and it might not yet be for you, where you get to change something to really address the underlying things you want to address. And I see you in that and know that what you're doing is exactly what you need to be doing, and the process will unfold as it needs to. That's exactly what's happening to me. There's no way I could have done this a year ago. I didn't have the ability to hold these layers. I didn't have the ability to just pack everything up and leave, and now I do so. I see you alongside with you. Please hold me in your awareness. I will practice receiving that from all of you, and I have so much love and appreciation for you. Thank you so much for being here until next time you.