My Experiences With Staying Small | 027

I have attempted to record this episode a number of times, so many times that I'm actually late getting it out to you. And no matter what I try, the words don't flow. The structure of this episode just has not taken shape. And I have decided to take a different approach. I have decided to instead share with you what it is I'm experiencing as I'm recording this, and also just to speak a little to one of my patterns that definitely gets in my way and that I'm currently frustrated at. And I wanted to name this because, you know, this is so much of what I teach is to pause and notice the patterns we find ourselves in, the way we're experiencing ourselves, and how to bring deeper awareness to what's at the core of these patterns, to bring curiosity into how we can shift out of whatever we're stuck In that is impacting these patterns, to feel like they have to be here. And I also speak so much to how there's nothing wrong with us, there's nothing to actually fix here, that, you know, we're not broken, that we're whole, and yeah, that we have these fragmented pieces that are stuck in time, believing that there's a threat that still exists, that we have to do what we need to to survive. Ultimately, my approach is how to do it from this place where I have grace for being human and you have grace for being human, that we have grace for each other in our humanness, and that's not happening in this moment. It's hard for me to have grace for myself in this moment. I'm actually quite frustrated and over this pattern that keeps getting in my way. So the pattern itself is this dampening, this staying small, this staying hidden, and it's quite interesting, because it only shows up when I have to talk about myself, when I'm marketing myself, or speaking to

how I help people, how I support people,

any time I need to advertise my programs, anything like that, there's just this big breaking system that comes online when I'm actually doing the work, when I'm with my clients, when I'm in my programs, when I'm running workshops, there's so much excitement, there's so much joy in what I do. There's so much flow. I feel the ease even as I'm talking about it. That's where I feel aliveness, and maybe you can even hear the difference in my voice. There's this sense of vitality and flow and connection when I'm supporting people, when I'm teaching, when I'm engaged in what I love to do, and when I'm letting the information flow through me, but it's when I have to talk about myself or sell something, or really be seen in what I'm doing, other than, you know, when I'm being seen and those that already, I guess, believe in what I'm doing, there's this big contrast there. So this is something that I wanted to speak to in this episode, and

it's really had an impact on my business. And I say that in a way where, you know, it's kind of a bad thing, but not a bad thing. It has impact, because it means that the excitement and all the things I have to share doesn't get to reach as many people that I want to share this, information with to invite people into discovering more ways to support themselves and to inquire into how they can shift these intergenerational patterns that they find themselves in, or these past life pieces that they find themselves stuck in. You know, there's so much information here that I want to share yet i feel like i i hit an wall when it comes to actually being seen and sharing it. And for me, it's really important to notice the contrast when I'm in a space where people are already excited to hear what I have to say, I don't feel the limitations. I feel the expansiveness. I feel the flow I drop in, and it just comes all so naturally. There's something in it for me, around being seen outside of the container that already exists, that really makes me freeze, that really makes me stumble in my words, and really makes me play small, stay hidden and energetically, I can feel the impact it has. So I'm naming this for a number of different reasons. I'm naming it because it's good for me to be seen by you.

Do in this and I'm naming it because I am so tired of this cycle. And you know, in all honesty, part of it has been part of the dampening, part of the staying small has been also an opportunity to really refine my understanding of myself and what it is I do want to offer, and what it is that does excite me. And over the last five years that has taken shape in so many different ways, I have offered my programs in a number of different formats, a number of different ways, and I finally feel like I've landed on something that I'm so proud of that really excites me, that when I'm in that container with other people in, in the program, in my discover program, specifically,

there's there's just this collective shift that I feel happening. And then as soon as I think of being outside of that bubble, outside of that container, it's just like breaks get put on. So I'm going to take a minute here to pause and notice that experience, that contrast, and I'm I'm talking through this as a way for you to also notice how I work through my own pieces, and to also invite you to do something similar. Oh, for me, when I think about being in the container that's already established, I feel the expansiveness. I don't feel boundaries. I don't feel a sense of restriction. I feel a fluidity. I feel light. I feel a sense of ease and excitement and joy, even when there's conflict. Because I have had conflict in my programs, I have had conflict with clients. And to me, conflict is a place where we all get to learn and evolve, and there's something so rich. So even in the discomforts, there's still an experience of growth and expansion and fluidity. But as soon as I think of being seen outside of that, my whole body gets rigid. I hold my breath. My throat gets really tight. I feel my eyes wanting to move around a little bit more. So there's this flavor of hyper vigilance present, and there's fear present. There's something deeply seated in me around being seen in this, I'm going to call it outer world, in the world that isn't so familiar with what I already do that I shut down. And to me, this feels really old. Lifetime's old, and it feels linked to ostracization, to being betrayed, to

being outcast. Really, there's this real sense of being outcast. So now in this lifetime, there's this caution about letting myself be seen. And

yeah, it impacts,

it impacts my ability to reach more people. It impacts my ability to

grow my business. It impacts my ability to

really

make as much of as changes I'd like to make on this planet. So

I trust that this episode is maybe more for me than it is for you, but hopefully you still get something out of it. Because I'm really noticing, oh, there's some emotion here around the grief of not breaking past that barrier of not breaking past that fear around being seen. And, yeah, I'm noticing some emotion, the von, the grief, but also the vulnerability that I want to move towards. And as I'm speaking right now, I can, I'm slowing down a little because that emotion feels like a little wave that I'm riding where the fear is starting to become a little less

dominant, a little less loud, and the edges, the image I just got is like, I can kind of like, open a door and peek out to see if it's safe for me to come outside.

There's this

there's this wonder and this awe and this longing to step outside and be welcomed and celebrated. There's this curiosity of what it might be like to kind of see if the world is as dangerous as I perceive it to be.

There's

less need to stay hidden in this moment, after having ridden through that little wave of emotion and whatever else was involved in that. It's not quite clear to me yet, so

I'm noticing that there's a little more of an ability to step out into the world. So what's what just happened? I put.

And noticed what it was experiencing. I described to you, the contrast between what it felt like to stay in my safe container, where I can run my programs and connect with my people and be in my joy, be in my excitement, be in my knowledge, let everything just flow through me. And then I also noticed the contrast of then being seen outside of that container, and the fear that's there, because there's still some flavors of fear, the hesitation, the worry of being outcasted, ostracized, probably even murdered, right? There's some real deep history within that. But because I was able to notice the contrast of the two, and kind of hang out on the edge of the discomfort, of the fear,

I felt the grief, and then I also felt emotion rise up and be moved through. And now that edge feels less scary. It feels like I'm a little more able to be seen. There's still the impulse to want to hide slightly, but it's almost like a little bit of play that I'm noticing, like I need to hide, but also wait, I do want to come out again. And kind of test is this okay? Makes me think of, you know, maybe you can have this memory being a little kid, or you've seen other little kids do this. When a new person walks into the room, they'll kind of hide behind their their parent or caretaker's legs, and kind of be in this place where, oh, I need to stay protected. I need to stay hidden. But then they kind of peek out to suss out, like, is it okay? Is it okay for me to come out and explore this stranger that could be danger, but also, oh, they're smiling at me, and they've got a toy, and maybe I'm a little more drawn to go and see what's happening there. There's a riskiness, there's a vulnerability. I'm not sure yet if my environment's safe with this person, but I'm willing to test the edges of that right. Watching a kid do that is so cool, because it really shows us what happens within our survival physiology around a potential threat, until we're validated that that threat actually isn't dangerous. Now, so many of us are stuck in these beliefs that the threat still exists, even though these threats don't exist anymore, and it's that example of the kid hiding behind the legs and then coming out to suss, out the edges of where its comfort zones are, to then ride through those discomforts and discover weight. I can be in connection. I can be safe. I am okay. That's what we ourselves need to be doing with these places that we're stuck in as well. So that's exactly what's happening for me as I rode through a little wave, there's a little more willingness to be seen, to take up a bit more space, and there's still an edge there for me. And this is where I think it's really important for us to recognize we are in a lifetime, or even lifetimes, of unweaving, untangling from our intergenerational trauma, from things that happened in past lives. If again, you believe in that there's so much here that we in this time are freeing ourselves from untangling from coming back into the sense of self and the sense of

knowing that lies so deeply within us. And there's something so cool that I feel is happening right now where so many people are are in this restlessness because they know that there's more to being human. And maybe you can relate to that restless feeling where that's probably why you're here listening to the podcast. There's some seeking happening, because there's a knowing that there's more to experience. And it involves us untangling from these states of fear, these states of survival that we're stuck in. And it happens by us taking the time to pause and notice and move through these experiences that we find ourselves stuck in. Now, I personally have been doing this a long time, and it's really easy for me to do my own inquiring around this, and my intention is to help people like you gain that ability to do that yourself as well. Now one thing I do find is really important is, how can we do that in community? How can we recognize that we don't have to be alone in these explorations and these experiences that we find ourselves stuck in a lot of the time, you might find that actually a lot of us are stuck in pretty similar things. And how can we collectively come together to shift these

patterns we're stuck in, but also these lower frequencies that were were stuck in, and how can we start to live more in a higher vibration? Not that higher or lower is better or worse. They all have different things to show us or to.

Teach us, but it's almost like we're collectively I mean, not everyone's going to be involved in this. You know, only those of us that are curious and interested and feel this urge of restlessness that leads to us seeking this what we're seeking out, what will guide us into these different experiences, and that's what I'm here to do. That's what really excites me, is to bring people together. And a lot of my programs are that they are about bringing people together in small groups. Usually we're only six to eight people small groups, we're meeting on a weekly basis, to really dive into the depth of being human, and how can we free ourselves and entangle ourselves from all of these dynamics that are at play so that we can again, collectively shift vibrations here, which we're already doing all the time anyways, but to do so more consciously, and To do so with more awareness and more recognition of choice, of how we are living in this world.

Yeah, there's so much there, and we're still gonna get stuck like me in this podcast, still getting stuck around speaking up, still getting stuck about finding my words, still being noticing shame around, feeling like I don't make sense. My Words aren't coming out clearly. My sentence structures don't flow, and

there's so much there. And I'm human, and I in this moment now, not like the beginning, where the frustration was so loud. Can feel the spaciousness, I can feel the grace I have for being human and all my many ways of surviving yet also thriving here. So I don't know, I don't know what this episode is. I don't know what my intention is, other than just to share what is showing up for me

and that I'm human and that I also am on this journey with you, and I really encourage you to see others on social media. You know, especially this time of the year, in the fall in the northern hemisphere,

there's a lot of people marketing programs, and it's that time of the year where summer's over, school has started. It's time to drop into doing your own self care and your self practices, and sign up for this program, sign up for that program. That's definitely all in the air right now. And I encourage you to notice if you get caught up in the shiny objects, if you get caught up in brilliant marketing, because that's something that I suck at, and that's part of my staying small. That's part of my staying hidden. If I were to market myself, that's risky business, and it's so interesting, because as soon as I go to market myself, the words don't come

as I experience as I shared with you before, right? So I really encourage you to check in with shiny objects, check in with brilliant marketing, because people are really good at teasing out what your problem is and saying they have the answer. And I want you to inquire into how you experience yourself in relationship to this person and in relationship to the inquiries they're inviting you into, because it has to feel like a good fit, and we're all going to have different things to offer, and we're all going to be the right fit for the right person and the wrong fit for other people. So to really do your own inquiring while also watching out for shiny objects that like guarantee that you are going to get to the bottom of all your problems, because

still here solving all my problems, I'm pretty sure I will be until my deathbed, but maybe not. Maybe we're collectively shifting where there isn't so much focus on what's wrong, because we'll recognize that we're already whole, and we can really thrive by living from that place. All right, I'm gonna stop for now in this random episode that I don't even know what it even is about, other than me sharing some of my own edges, riding my own waves and navigating being seen. And maybe you can relate. Maybe you have something to share with me. I welcome that. And maybe you want to explore with me. And if you do, please reach out. I would happily share some of my upcoming programs. It's easier to share with someone who's already interested, versus, you know, shout it out to the world, because there's still this risk of being seen, even though now, as I say that I can notice that it would be a little easier to shout it out to the world of what my values are, or what my mission is here, or what my intentions are, what my invitations are for you to evolve, and my intention is for you to guide.

Yourself back to yourself so you can discover the wisdom that lies within you, so that you can connect more with your wholeness and be guided from there, as you navigate your history, as you navigate these many things that you're stuck in, from that place of grace, from this place of awareness, from this place of deep understanding of yourself and your survival, physiology and your patterning, and your awareness of being an whole human being with many different experiences, both physical and energetic. And

now I feel like I'm rambling, so I'm going to pause and notice that and just leave this really random episode here.

I hope you got something out of it,

and I look forward to connecting with you in whatever context, in whatever way in the future you.