F*&k Purpose

Do you ever question your purpose or wonder what your purpose even is? If the answer is yes, I'm happy to report you are not alone. I also question my purpose, and it's something that's been showing up for me lately. So I wanted to speak to what's been showing up and my experiences around inquiring into what is my purpose, even. And I want to invite you to also get curious if you choose when it comes to this idea experience knowing sense of purpose. Side note, I am sitting outside because it is sunny, and I am currently in a rainforest, and the sunny days have been few, so I'm taking advantage of being outside, but that means that this mic might pick up some wind or other background noise. So I want to invite you to imagine you're outside with me, and my apologies for any background wind noise. All right, the sun on my face feels so good after so much rain, so I am very happy to be out here. All right, so purpose is a bit of a hot word, right? Now, right? You probably have seen it in a lot of people's posts and marketing content. Now, what is your purpose? What's getting in the way of your purpose? How to live your purpose, how to discover what your purpose is. I wouldn't be surprised if the word purpose is probably somewhere on my website as well. And I've also always been challenged by that, like, what do we mean by purpose, right? What do we mean by that. So I want to inquire into what shows up for us, that this idea of needing to have a purpose, because I feel like we can put pressure on ourselves and needing to know what our purpose is, or needing to live out our purpose, or wanting to live our purpose and ditch everything else. When are we even clear what that purpose is? So to start, let's pause and notice, right. Pause and notice, if you think about like, what is my purpose? What comes up? I know for me in this moment, there's some contraction, a holding of my breath, a tightening in my throat, and I laugh, because this is a really familiar feeling. As soon as something feels challenging, one of my favorite things to do is to flee. I love getting away from any challenging situations. And what's showing up for me in this moment is as this contracting contraction happens, there's then the impulse to flee and, you know, go live in a van and live dreamy van life and do whatever I want and be in the freedom of that which I have done many of times in many different versions. And I know it well. I know that part of me is all about the adventure and being in that freedom of exploration and seeing the world and being a bit of a gypsy Nomad like I know that's part of who I am. Could that be part of my purpose? Maybe? Who knows. But anyways, but also I know it as a survival pattern. I know it as a way that that I like to escape situations when they're challenging, and that's something that's been coming up for me right now. I am currently in the launch of my program, and you know, I, as I shared in a previous episode, I'm really proud of what I do. I have pride for my program, and when I'm doing what I'm doing, it feels so good. And when it doesn't work out how I expected it to, or if it doesn't work in an abundant, flowing way I question myself. I start to doubt what I'm doing. I doubt what my purpose even is, what I want to be doing, and I want to flee. It's like, no, okay, screw it. I'm not going to do any of this. I'm just going to be a van lifer. And you know, I don't know how I'd make money, but you know, I'd make it work. So this pattern is really familiar for me, and I started with just this question of like, what shows up when we inquire into what's my purpose, and instantly there's the contraction and the impulse to flee. And I gave my explanation on how that shows up and why that shows up. Now, what showed up for you at this idea of what is your purpose, because I also if I pause in this a little longer, especially when I acknowledge my pattern and the impulse to flee that interferes with me being in my in my let's call it purpose or doing what I want to do, or doing what I love doing. I also feel the sense of expansiveness when I think of what is my purpose. I also, after acknowledging my my contraction and plea, I feel a sense of expansiveness. I feel joy. I feel excitement. I feel light and I feel momentum forward now what I'm inviting us to do here is notice what shows up when we inquire into purpose. And some of you might have more of a survival response to it. Some of you might have more of that expansive response to it. But what I want to point out is we're not going into details of what purpose is, right. We're just inquiring into purpose and how we experience ourselves in this idea of purpose. Now I do want to know, I did say, What is my purpose? So if that's maybe even too complex, and things can easily be tangled up in that if you just think of the word purpose, it might be less entangled with this idea of what is so I'm really just talking this out as I'm inviting you into it, because my contraction showed up at the idea of what is my purpose. It was like too difficult, run, flee, no. And then when I came back to it after acknowledging that it was just this idea of purpose that I sat with that allowed me to feel the expansiveness, so something for you to play with. How do you notice a response when you say, What is my purpose versus? How do you notice an experience when you simply say, purpose, holding this invitation for purpose. So that's the first inquiry I wanted to invite you to make, and what I want to speak to in my flea response is, you know, I finally get so entangled in thinking we need to know what our purpose is, and we need, can you hear the Loon, loon in the background? Might even hear some eagles in the background, but yeah, when we get caught up in trying to figure out our purpose. We're trying too hard. We're trying to make something happen and trying to be something, trying to be our purpose instead of just being our purpose. And this is where I'm finding myself get caught up. I'm feeling myself get caught up in trying to make something happen, and I'm getting caught up in the expectations of it. So I have these expectations of people wanting to sign up. And, you know, I mean, this is a couple years ago, at least, I had these expectations of being really successful and, you know, making millions of dollars. And instead, I've been stuck in the same pattern over and over, where there's procrastination involved, where there's doing it all last minute and expecting better results, and then there's also this blockage towards receiving abundance, and I'm well aware of it, but can't seem to get past it. And there's layers there for me to continuously to be exploring and getting support around. So I name this because I want to invite us to really look at like this relationship with purpose, and how we can get hung up and the expectations, or the have tos, the shoulds, the ideas and expectations of what it should look like, and how ultimately that gets in the way of us being in purpose. So for me, I'll give an example, even with with my inquiries right now, I, like I said, I procrastinate. I do things last minute. I have visions and ideas of how it could look like, and then it takes me a while to execute my ideas. And then I do it all. And I when I'm doing it, I'm doing it like I'm proud of what I'm doing, but I don't give time to promote. I don't give that much time to speak to what I'm actually doing in my workshops and my calls, and I just kind of it out onto social media and my newsletters, and hope people will sign up, even though it's last minute. So that's what I just recently did with some free workshops that I'm hosting, and I put it all together, put it out there, and then I was getting zero registrants. And I was like, man, what am I doing wrong? Like, how am I getting in my own way here? What is happening that's really interfering with that abundance from coming in, I know I'm in purpose. I know I'm doing what I want to be doing. I'm of service, yet I keep hitting these blocks and no one's showing up. What is that block? So it turns out that something was off in the back end, and people were signing up for the workshops. Yes,

but still, it was really interesting to watch my response to not a cricket chirping and showing interest, right? And it made me really wonder, with this idea of being in purpose, how much am I relying on external interest to feel like I'm living out my purpose, and it made me really see like, how much I need the external validation or the external interest to excite me, right? If no one shows up, then what am I doing with my life? I need to be doing something different. No one. No one really wants to. Gets what I'm saying. I don't make any sense. I don't know what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah. Probably getting in my own way by staying small, that good old pattern that's been there forever that just can't get past, that doesn't allow an abundance, right? And there I am in my vortex, spiraling away, wondering what's wrong with me? What am I even doing? What is my purpose? Even? So I share that because I want to invite you to notice how dependent Are you on external experiences, external interests, external excitement, to create your own excitement. Because to me, that's a really important nugget to sit with this observation of Wait, if I don't get the feedback or the responses that I was expecting, hmm, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong and I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing. Ooh, interesting. Okay, let's look into that. Let's look at how I'm needing something outside of me to show me that I'm on the right path now. Now we could also say like, well, when we're in alignment, to use another buzzword, when we're in flow, things will just flow. There is an abundance. Things come with ease. But I don't know. I have talked to so many people who are entrepreneurs, who struggle, and they don't necessarily show it, but the struggle is there, the financial struggle is there, the constant hustle is there, the constant push to try to stay up and try to be in purpose, when actually we're getting in our own way and not showing up in purpose at all. Well, I don't want to say it all, because we still are right. So can you resonate with that? Can you resonate to the hustle? Can you resonate to trying to make things happen and having expectations, needing the external validation for you to be excited about what you do. And how can we take some time to acknowledge this part of us that needs that external excitement and that external momentum to feel the internal excitement and the internal momentum? And for me, when I think about that, that doesn't feel like I'm aligned with my purpose. So let's sidetrack for a sec. What does purpose even mean? And yeah, I really struggle with this idea, like, what's my purpose here? Because I feel like we can have lots of purposes here, and something that's really helped me remember and reflect on my purpose, or maybe, maybe I need a different word for it, my gifts. Maybe, maybe that word resonates better for you as well for me. I feel pride in my gifts. I feel excitement in what I have to offer. I feel that leaning forward and I want to be putting out into the world without expectations. Yeah, the gift feels like I get to be in my being, whereas I have some coupling dynamics, some entanglement with purpose being this thing I have to achieve with the support of other people also helping me achieve it. Whereas gifts, I like gifts, it's really landing for me. So if I reflect on my life, and I'll invite you to do the same, I see some threads. I see some common themes. And for me, my common themes weren't intentional. It wasn't like, Oh, I know I'm good at this. I should get jobs in this, these fields, if I look back, I've always worked with people, and I have almost always been a teacher of some kind. Now, it started off working in a way where, I mean, my first job was in a kitchen, working in collaboration with people. And from there, I really recognized how much I enjoyed working with people and being in collaboration with people. I again, can't say I was conscious of that, but looking back. I can see how that was attractive for me in the jobs that I chose. Moving forward, I started teaching snowboarding when I was 20, and again, this was a real passion of mine, something I really enjoyed, and the gift of sharing what I enjoyed with people got me excited. I really love doing that. I then also started teaching swimming. I was a lifeguard for a long time and taught swimming. And same thing, there's something in the gift of play and collaboration and sharing knowledge to invite other people to find their own sense of experience within whatever I'm teaching that really took shape in these teaching jobs I had from swimming, I started to teach yoga. And same thing, there was this real draw to sharing my knowledge, to invite other people into their own knowledge, of their own experiences. And that became very clear when I started to teach Feldenkrais, which is all about pausing and noticing our own experiences and exploring what those patterns are that we find ourselves stuck in from a physical movement based perspective. But again, I love being in collaboration, in play, in curiosity, in the exploration of the human experience throughout my teachings, from yoga into Feldenkrais, those were the common themes as I continued to evolve and shift into teaching surfing for a short period, I was also a raft guide, and in all honesty, that wasn't teaching, that was me just trying to survive down a Crazy river. And I lasted one season and then dated a raft guide, and instead just went on raft trips. Because it wasn't that same teaching experience, although it was in collaboration with a team on my boat, there was a different relationship that I had with these people, whereas these other jobs that I was finding myself in were really about the collaboration, the curiosity, the play, the deepening of learning. And here I am now also teaching this work from a more nervous system, survival, physiology, physiology perspective, and from that same those same principles of bringing in curiosity, bringing in play, bringing in exploration, bringing in the collaboration and that sense of community and learning about self and how we ourselves relate to the whole dynamic, the whole picture at Play, the relational fields. So when I look back at that, it's very easy for me to pinpoint my gifts, right? Could that be my purpose here to support that teaching, the teaching of welcoming others into their own knowledge, the teaching of curiosity, of play, of collaboration. Right To me, when I look back, that's pretty obvious that that's what I really, really enjoy doing. And so I want to invite you to do the same if you're hung up on this idea of purpose, see what happens if you shift the word maybe gift lands, maybe something else lands. If something else lands, I'd love to know what it is, and then look back at your life and see what are the common threads in how you've evolved into where you are now. What are the common themes, the common values, the common principles that you bring into your life, and how can purpose be more about living that versus trying to be in purpose, which, to me, again, feels like I have to do something to be in purpose, versus what I just described is I'm being my gifts, and my purpose is evolving in that expression of me, in my gifts. Yeah, gonna pause for a sec, because even as I'm talking it out with you, things are landing for me as well, the reminder of how it feels to be those qualities of who I am, to really embrace that in whatever I do moving forward. Let's say I no longer do what I'm doing right now, and I shift into van life. Am I doing it from this place of fuck it, everything's too difficult.

I don't want to do any of this marketing stuff. I don't want to be in the realms of running online businesses anymore. I want to just be free to do whatever. Am I doing it from survival, or am I still in these qualities of weight? I want to be in that, in that flow of living on the road and and and being wherever I'm drawn to, letting things unfold as they unfold, having a. My plan being that I have no plan, and seeing how things evolve from there, from this place of curiosity, from this place of play, from this place of collaboration and connecting with others while on the road, Can you feel how that feels very different that my flee response of being on the road is like, still quite isolated, protected, still caught in survival and in my deeply seated, rooted patterns that are entangled in that versus, oh, wait, there's these gifts that I have, and no matter what I do, if I bring those forward, I'm in alignment with who I am and what I'm here to offer to myself and to others. So I wanted to name this because as someone who in the midst, is in the midst of launching a program and things not going how I expected, which is a practice in itself as well, of not having expectations, and this idea of expectations really is deeply rooted in a lot of things. That could be another topic we could dive into here, right? And how expectations and ideas of what we should be doing often interfere with the flow of things unfolding. And this is an ongoing reminder for me right now. You know, I have a part of me that's like, Nicole, there's people are over online programs. You haven't been marketing yourself very much. Your program is a high ticketed program. People are short on money, right? All these stories that I'm creating around my offering and numbers and all of that, and even listen to me while I'm talking, there's this heaviness, there's this sluggish. I'm just feeding into that. It's difficult. What am I doing? I don't, I don't. I'm questioning myself, right? I'm just kind of feeding into that energy when instead, I could notice that that exists, that's there understandably, I'm human, and can I also remember what it feels like to be in my gifts, in my flow, in my in my trust of the unfolding as I find my way into and through my blocks of abundance and receiving, receiving and taking up space. You know this is really an opportunity, as everything is, if you choose it to be, to continue to look at what shows up in my life, and you know as you're navigating whatever you're navigating what's showing up, and how can this be an opportunity to pause and notice and inquire into the layers that are at play, to get the support as you need, as I am, as well, to unravel the Labor layers, because we can't do it all alone, to come into community, to come into connection, to ask for help, to name what's showing up. This is a big thing that the reason why I wanted to do this episode is I want to name what's showing up for me right now, because I want to practice being seen in it and in the vulnerability of it, and in the edges for me, of not being okay, while also being really okay and feeling really good and also really shit, holding space for the vortexes that show up in the things that I'm doing right now, While also feeling the expansiveness like I am surrounded and in one of the most beautiful places I've ever been, and it brings tears to my eyes to how incredible where I am is, and how it can hold me while I continue to be human and navigate what's alive for me, and I feel really honored and lucky to have this space, to be able to dip into these layers. And I hope that this podcast episode and any other episodes as well, help you take a moment just to pause and notice what is we're so used to pushing past we're so used to trying so hard to be something other than what we actually are. And I really want to invite you and me, Me as well. It's an ongoing practice to really pause and acknowledge what is, because this is how we can unravel and move through the layers and layers and layers that are at play. And I wish sometimes it was easier. I wish I didn't have so many layers to work through. Feel like especially because I weave a lot of ancestor. Or not even on purpose, it's just what's shown up. A lot of ancestral past life pieces into what I what arises for me. It's just like, oh my gosh, the layers are never ending. So I am here to let you know that I am on the journey with you, and I hope we get to explore together, whether it's just in these podcasts or in my programs, because I too, really, really enjoy and benefit from the collaboration, and I'm so honored to share my gifts with people like you, and also to receive and continue to practice receiving the gifts that you bring into the world. So thank you for being here. Thank you for your ongoing willingness to be curious. Thank you for your willingness to be uncomfortable. Thank you for you know your patterns that push you through and make you try so hard, and hopefully for all of us, those patterns of trying so hard and holding so hard on to control get to soften, are already softening, and we really get to land in the beauty of being human. I.