You Don’t Have To Be A CPA To Understand Your Finances In Divorce

Welcome to the D shift podcast, where we provide inspiration, motivation and education to help you transition from the challenges of divorce to discover the freedom and ability to live life on your own terms. Are you ready? Let's get the shift started. Hi, and welcome to the day shift Podcast. Today we are going to be speaking with Heather Abbott. And Heather is a prosperity Pro, which is something I am dying to learn more about, because financial management is not my strong suit. So Heather, welcome, and thank you for being here.

It is such a pleasure to be here with you, Marie, thank you for inviting me.

Oh, you are more than welcome. And Heather and I have actually spoken a couple of times, and she has a wealth of information to share with, with people in general, we're going to focus a little bit before, during and after divorce. So we're gonna hit on a bunch of different topics and how some of us may be kind of missing around our own selves when it comes to financial management. So Heather, why don't you go ahead and tell us a little bit about your area of expertise, and maybe a little bit about how you got into this particular area, because I know you've got some extensive background experience in this.

Okay, well, I am a CPA, financial advisor, I'm not actively doing either. I'm taking that knowledge. And I've been an entrepreneur my whole life. First time was, I think it was about four years old, I had a charity stand, lots of charities, cute little four year old yourself. But I've been an entrepreneur my entire life. And I also work on mindset and all things. right brained Whoo. So I like to tell people, I am a fairy. And I bring magic to your money. So a lot of the things that I help people deal with our challenges that I faced. So I've been a broke accountant I was married to not a nice guy, and gave my power away. So I come at this from a very experienced point of view, because I had to figure all this out. I knew the money side. But I couldn't enact it because I wasn't standing up for me. So I bring that in is what I'm doing. And there's the financial stuff just comes easily for me, it's never been or want to learn numbers. Yay, I love accounting is just as easy. That's why I took it. That's why I started it. So it's very valuable for a lot. But

what's not easy as that mindset piece, and I think that I think that would you say it's fair that most most people, men or women doesn't matter. Most people struggle with the mindset around money.

I would say yes. Granted, a lot of people would say well, there's a lot of millionaires a lot of wealthy people. But to me, it's not just about, well, it's about your true prosperity. And that's prosperity is wealth plus Joy plus freedom. Right? So you have that trifecta, that's all needed. And you need clarity on top of that. So freedom, fun finances and focus, are what I like to say. So yes, mindset works into all of those areas. And it's really critical for people to get control of that. And yes, a lot of wealthy people are miserable. A lot of poor people are miserable, too. And there's these blocks and gas, it can take a lot of work, it can take a lot of time and anyone who's promising to take you from zero to a million overnight.

I don't believe it. Thank you for saying that. Yeah, I think you know, especially if you're on social media, you see those all the time, you know, we can we can 100 times your business profit if you're an entrepreneur or we can Don't you know, triple your, you know, invest with us, and we can triple this or we can quadruple or whatever number they're throwing out there. So, so what are some of those? What are some of those focus areas or the deficits? For me, I'm going to say deficits that most people have about finances, that that kind of comes back and bites them in the you know what?

Well what I would say because we're focusing mainly on women who either are divorced or have are maybe getting divorced, and this applies to women who are widowed as well. There's a various spirit it's been very stereotypical that women shouldn't be handling the money the man should handle the money. And unfortunately, a lot of people Buy into things they were told when they were young that Oh, no, you're not good with numbers. math isn't your strong suit. Well, I beg to differ. Math is actually attainable for anybody. Not that you have to know it for your finances, but it helps. But it's not like you have to don't do algebra. Basically, I would need you to be able to use a calculator. For addition, subtraction, multiplication, that's it. But that it's this stereotype of women are not supposed to be in charge of it. And there's a lot of women who are like, Oh, no, no, no, my husband handles that. I don't need to know. I don't want to know it. I don't need that. Okay. But if something happens, and he's gone, don't you think you're going to need to know how to do this. And it can be the simplest things of just sitting in and saying, Hey, so can you explain this to me, to him about like your insurances or your investments. It's, it's the overwhelm of the the ending of a relationship, no matter how it comes, there is overwhelm. I've been there done that too. And I didn't like him. It's not like I missed him. But there's overwhelmed, significant. And if you add on top of that, that you don't know what you're doing your finances, you're just gonna get stalled, you're not going to want to look and things can go really badly in that amount of time that you're not looking.

And I just want to stress something that you that you said that I love this idea of just being aware of what your financial situation is in your family. It there's nothing wrong with letting letting your partner handle the finances. I mean, most relationships, one person kind of takes the lead on that financial stuff anyhow. But it always amazes me how many very savvy business women I deal with who run their own companies, you know, down to the penny, what their corporate finances look like, but don't know what investments they don't know where their investments are, don't know, don't even necessarily know all their credit cards, they're not really sure if their husband has other credit cards other than what they are, you know, and so I understand in a relationship, when you get when you get into relationship, you give some somebody trust and you say, Okay, if you're running the finances, run it. But it becomes a problem. When you don't know where those accounts are. You don't know if they exist, you don't know if there's a social secur, I mean, a safety deposit box, you don't know if there's, you know, a Bitcoin wallet sitting out there somewhere. There's all these things that you don't know that all of a sudden, your divorce attorney starts saying, Well, what about this, what and then you get that sense of frustration. So you're right, taking the time to at least sit down during even a healthy relationship, even even if everything looks rock solid. And just making sure you at least have an understanding of that. I use

a metaphor to explain this, like the main part, there's a book I am writing financial empowerment for women, understand your finances and your financial advisor. And the metaphor that I used to compare this to is your vehicle. So let's just say you're all you do is drive the car, your spouse, does everything puts the gas in maintains it, all you do is drive the car. If they die, and you take the car for a few drives, you'll be OK until you run out of gas. And if you know enough that you need gas, you probably don't know how to put it in. Right? I'm not telling you I'm not at that level, you don't need to know how the gas station gets the gas, how it's how it's changed into fuel, you don't need to know those details. You also don't need to know how to change your own oil. But you do need to know to check it. And you do need to know that it has to be changed. And this is a mechanic you can call, right so when you're asking if you don't like finances, I'm not telling you to go out and discover all these things about how to fix your own car, right? I'm telling you talk to the spouse and say look, I'd and you can use this metaphor to explain it to him. I don't want to know all the details. Don't overwhelm me with those. All I want to know is what do I have to know if you're not around so that I don't you know, fry the engine on the car. What do I have to know just like the main things don't I don't need the behind the scenes. I just What do I need?

So let us know that that's a great analogy. And I can't wait for your book by the way. I'm going to I'm going to definitely get a copy. So Sangria for one. Let me ask you another question then Heather. Let's say let's say this hasn't happened. And, and I think, I think, I don't know if it's a generational thing. But it's definitely the longer the longer you are in a relationship, the more likely you are to have your own roles within that relationship, and maybe not necessarily know what the other person does in their role. So let's say somebody who's going into a divorce and has talked to an attorney, and they let's say they own a home, they've got their either the they're employed there, their soon to be ex or their spouse is employed, maybe they've got a side hustle, maybe they've got a business, what's the essential financial stuff at that point that they need to be focusing in on? I know, I'm putting you on the spot here? But what would you say? Or where should they be focusing their energy on managing their finances before they get a decree where everything's kind of in limbo?

I honestly do not know that one. Okay. It's a big question, right?

And that's why I think I put you on the spot, because it would be different for everybody, right?

Let's see, this is this is actually a good example. Because one thing I want you to know, when you're looking for a financial advisor, and accountant or anybody, if they say they know the answer to everything, I'd be a little worried. It's okay for me to say, I don't have the right answer for that. I can find the right answer. And it would just maybe take me sitting down and thinking about it for five minutes. But since we're doing an interview, I don't want to take the time to think about it. But I also don't want to give you an answer, that wouldn't be as valuable. I appreciate that. That's the only reason I mean, yes, I can pull up something and say something, but it may not be accurate.

Well, let me let me ask you the flip side of that, what's the biggest mistake that you would see people making with their finances? And maybe it's not right during that period. But let's see,

it's a moving forward. One that I see the most for women coming through divorce, is they're still in giving mode.

Talk a little bit about that head of that's interesting.

Well, and now this does not apply to everybody. There are some really nice guys out there. And there's some really amicable divorces. But it is known and lawyers have told me this too, that they see women settling for way less than they deserve. And then a few years out, the guy is down on the beach with his new girlfriend like traveling here and there. And she can't make ends meet. Women are givers to me too. I mean, oh, my God, it was awesome. If you don't if you don't get that just go watch my podcast, and you can see the story and you'll know why. But the i I've spoken with women who are going through a divorce, and I can see because I've been with a narcissist, and I mean, a sadistic narcissist, like, so I can recognize it. And I can see her being like, Oh, well, I'm going to pay off the mortgage. She's paying rent, and somewhere. He's living in the house, and she's going to pay off the mortgage. Sure. And she's going to use some money that she inherited to do it. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, she's like, well, I don't want him to take my pension, or put a claim on the pension. And then like, the money that you're putting out could buy you another pension. Right, love it. But she doesn't see it. And I can see that. There are a lot of men out there. And I apologize if this isn't you, this doesn't apply to everybody. But there are men who are takers. They were takers in the relationship. And they will take and they will be as nice as they need to be to keep you giving. And as soon as you've got nothing left or you say no, they're going to turn nasty. And don't keep giving to them. That's save for yourself, put yourself first, realize that you have to look out for you because nobody else is going to write it's your job. It's not his job. Just like it's never anybody else's job to make you happy. It's your job. They can make it easier. They can make it harder, but it still rests with you. Right if it rested with anyone else. Think about how many people you would make happy if all you had to do was say no, I'm making you happy and making you happy and making you happy. Right? They have choice You can't sit that's my main thing for divorce. Please look out for yourself and listen to your lawyer if the lawyers on your somewhere good but you know,

and I think that's really important is that if you do if you are in in the in a situation where you've got somebody that is has been an is emotionally abusive, narcissistic physically abusive, financially abused, so that you really do not need to be doing this on your own. And I am a big proponent of having a team around you to go through the divorce if you need one, not everybody needs one. Let's face it, some people go, like you said, there can be very amicable divorces, where the couple sits down, they don't even use a mediator, they just literally divide stuff up, they go to an attorney, get it, dropped it into a divorce decree. And that's it, it's done. And I think for those couples, yay, for you way to go, because you guys have done something really incredible and really, right. But when there's been a problem in the relationship all along, to expect that that demanding abusive behavior is going to end anytime, is false thinking. So I do support that having. And that's why I really appreciate you coming on here and talking about this is the importance of bringing a financial adviser in, or a prosperity expert that can sit down and say to you, this is this may be what you think you have to do. But this is not in your best interest. And it's going to come back and cause you financial problems in the future.

There is a problem with it, though. It's easy for us to say that, but I didn't identify as abused until at least four months after he was dead. And we're talking about it am I allowed to say that he I left him and a week later, he shot himself in front of me. And like, in that week, I still had to deal with him. I had to go to work. It was really, really stressful. But I was still thinking, Oh, I'm gonna have to help him make payments. But I had been severely mentally abused for 25 years and denied it the whole time. I looked back to see if he faked it when he shot himself. Okay, so, but I still denied being abused. So a lot of women listening to this are not going to identify as in that group. So let me put this another way. I would say oh, yeah, he tries to control me with his temper, I would say yeah, he's an asshole. I would not usually say out loud to other people. But I thought I wish he was that. Right? So if any of those apply to you, I would suggest you also try contacting a women's shelter. Not because you know, and see, I'm I was an educated, strong woman. But I never did this, because I didn't identify that way. And it's like, oh, no, I can't No, because of the stigma, the shame. The reason I say contact a women's shelter is because they recognize the abuse faster than you. Yeah. So if you just say, Look, can I come in and just talk to you and explain what my relationship is like, and hear your opinion of what you think of it. I'm getting divorced. But I want to know what your feedback is because this is in a third party that is not invested. And it would give you some insight, and that's what they're there for. And they also help with deprogramming because trust me, if you've been in any relationship like that, you've been programmed, right?

And, and, Heather, I appreciate you sharing that story. And I know, we've talked about that before. And that that kind of situation is horrific for you to have experienced. And I really do appreciate you sharing that. But the fact that now, you have committed to helping women and people in the same situations, to get that financial prosperity and to explore opportunities for themselves to be to have that financial security moving forward. I think it's just phenomenal. It's a it's a story. It's an inspiring story that this is what you have chosen to do. So tell us a little bit more about your, about how you work with people. Can you just

yeah, um, it's, it's shifted, actually, um, I don't want to be a coach. That's okay. I still am. I still have a few. But it's not my focus. I am not meant to be doing one to one. I am meant to be doing one to many. My focus is speaking public speaking, paid speaking. For organizations, corporations, universities. I have three books that I'm working on. One is the one I mentioned already. Another one is more of a educational textbook sort of thing that is going to be how to manage your money. It's getting clarity with the numbers. I have a whole system for there. So you can get a freebie about it, the overview of the system on my website for free. But then the other book, which is my main talk is what I mentioned earlier, the keys to true prosperity. Because there's, there's the trifecta of freedom, fun and finances, but there's the hidden key of focus, because people need to get clear on where they're going. So that's namely, I am also doing courses. So when I do a course, it tends to be more like a group coaching. It's a smaller, smaller group. And those are the three, I'm launching three different ones market, I'm doing market research for them just coming up. I'm planning to launch them in May, which this will be this will be, your podcasts will come out after I've launched those, but I'm usually doing more. So if you're interested. In any of those courses, you can always reach out to me and I'll let you know what's coming up.

Great. Well, Heather, if I had to ask you for one kind of summary statement or one top of the mind thing that you want people to remember when they when they walk out if you or they walk away or go on with their day from listening to this, what's the what's the kind of the takeaway you want them to have?

Well, one get a will. It doesn't have to be elite, like you can do a holograph. Well, maybe legal where you are, I did a video on that. Having a will is really important. Because dying without one is really mean to the people who leave behind. So I like to throw that out. The other thing is, you don't have to like your finances. To learn the basics about it. Think about it, all I'm talking about is knowing that like your car needs an oil change, knowing that just knowing Okay, can I have a list of where all the bank accounts are? If the person actually dies, keep in mind anything in their name debts in their name, you are not actually responsible for paying, it's only the estate, if there's no money in the estate, they don't have to be paid. But get that overview. It could be knowing who's the accountant? What do you have to give to them each year? Or I don't really want to know it, I just want to know, where's the information from last year. So like, if I needed it, I can go and pull it out? Sure. So you don't want to learn it all. You just want to learn what you need to know. Right? So that if you have to learn it, you will know the different steps you have to take. So I don't want to know what all the investments are. I just want to know where they all are

where they are. Yeah. Terrific. Terrific. And Heather, you had mentioned that you've got a website and you've got a few courses and things like that where and I know we're going to have this in the notes underneath. So don't worry about trying to remember this but Heather I'd like you to give people an idea where they could find you and about your podcast and wherever else you may be present online if they can look you up and find out more.

Okay, well it's it's actually have made it pretty easy. So if you search for me, make sure you put my middle initials see for Katherine so Heather C Abbott, if you just look up Heather Abbott, there's another one out there whose presence online so Heather C Abbott, but my website is actually H C. Abbott ABB OTT dot C A, that's ochre Canadian. So, HC abbott.ca. The podcast is prosperity and possibilities. And it there is a link I believe on the website to like LinkedIn social media, I think it's way down at the bottom, but it should take you to YouTube and stuff. And when you go there you You will find the common Insider. If you sign up for my email list, you will get that freebie which is the booklet on three steps to financial clarity and money clarity, you will get no benefit from it unless you print it out and do it. Yes, that's the key, isn't it? Yes, you can get it done in half an hour if it doesn't take long. But please, if you'd go there and get it printed out, take a look at it. It's pretty easy. Great. And it'll give you some insights.

Heather, thank you so much. This has been really really informative. And I am just going to totally backup everything Heather has said at the very least know how to maintain your car. Which means and that being the car being the finances, so get to know those basics. And you know it's never too late to start this you can start it anytime you want. Yes. And thank you. I don't know what that noise is anymore