When Your Triggered - TWERC

Welcome to the D shift podcast, where we provide inspiration, motivation and education to help you transition from the challenges of divorce to discover the freedom and ability to live life on your own terms. Are you ready? Let's get this shift started. Hello, and thank you so much for being here and listening to another episode of the D ship podcast. And we have somebody who it's interesting, I've met Alana at several different things. And then we finally were able to get together and do a podcast. So Ilona Rubashevky is a separate tricks guru, which I think is just a totally calling unique title that I've never heard anybody else use. And I'm gonna let Ilona I'm gonna let you introduce yourself to the guests and or to the listeners, because you have a wealth of information. And you're one of the guests I've really been looking forward to speaking with, because of your experience through the court system and working with people going through divorce. So take it away, Ilona,

thank you so much, Mardi. I am so happy to be here. Thank you for having me. A little bit about me. Well, I've been through a 10 year high conflict divorce on a two year marriage. And I got my ABA American Bar Association paralegal certification, I became a divorce coach, certified divorce coach, and I've been a litigation manager for seven years. So I've been a client, I've been dealing with clients on the attorneys and going through divorce. Hundreds and hundreds of people with that. And I've also been interacting with more than like 50 attorneys. And I've witnessed many, many judges. So I do have a wealth of knowledge. And I do refer to myself as a separate tricks guru, though. Yeah.

Yeah. And so so this is interesting, because that's one of the big things that I found as a as a mediator. I have people come in all the time, that have these expectations of what divorce court looks like. You know that the legal system really cares that he or she had an affair or the legal system really cares that, you know, they were they called people bad names and things. And yes, emotional abuse is a serious thing. I'm not making a joke of it. But it's one of those things that really the legal system doesn't, doesn't recognize. So talk, can you talk a little bit around reality versus expectations where people go to divorce court or coming to see attorneys?

I can totally talk to that. So let me just point out that, I'm going to make an analogy first. So imagine you have a few kids at home, and your kids come to you. And one is like, mom, dad, they did XY and Z and and he pulled my hair. And he took my Barbie and undressed it without my permission, and, and all that. So and you're like I have this meeting, I have that meeting, I have so many things to do, go figure it out. If you can't figure it out. I'm just going to separate the two, right? So judges have about 20 minutes per couple, which is basically 10 minutes per per side. And if there's attorneys, then there's also the back and forth. So it's technically five minutes per side, the judge talks, the other side talks, the judge talks again. And so basically, you've got about the judges attention for about five minutes per to tell your side to have the judge be like and make a decision on Are you right? Or are you Right? Right. And so the judge is doing the best they can but being human, there's the Okay, based on what I see, because they see about 100 people coming through their courtroom for you know, per day as if you know, if not more, and so they have their groups, okay, well, if you're dressed like this, you look like that. Or if you have this kind of tone, or if you have this kind of statement, then you automatically get placed in this group right here of you know, of the there's there's many titles and I don't want to start ringing them up to scare people. But like one of them is gatekeeper, for example. Okay, well, you're a gatekeeper. And I'm not going to label you that way. But you know, we're going to go with the other side because you're preventing this parent from being, you know, from enjoying time. So, they have 20 minutes or five minutes technically preside to decide who is right who is wrong. And so they're just busy. They have next people to get to and they see things that are absolutely horrific. Yeah. Which is rape with rape on children, or physical abuse. Yeah. And so for them to have this nitpicky. He took my Barbie is not something they want to deal with. Yeah, so they're doing the best they can, however, they have their point of view, judges attorneys have their point of view of, well, this is what I've experienced, and I don't want to get yelled at. And I don't want to get scolded, because my reputation I'm here every day in front of this judge, so I'm not going to address certain things. Yep. So basically, you've got many chefs in this kitchen, or many CEOs in this company. And imagine having, like having 10 different CEOs running a company, your company is not going to go anywhere. They're all experts in their field. But nobody knows. Yeah, so my suggestion is, get out of the court system, go into mediation, go into conscious uncoupling. Work through your triggers together and figure out or on yourself, work on your own triggers and figure out what it is that you can do to be the CEO of your own divorce, right? Take back your power. And, and basically, especially when kids are involved, you've got this thing, where you're just like, you're giving somebody else control, to tell you what is best for your child, when the parents are the ones who should I don't use that word often, but should be able to work through it. But our triggers prevent us from doing that.

And I want to talk to you about triggers in a couple of minutes here. But there is something that I really that you have said that I think is really, really worth stressing. And I have also sat in multiple, multiple multiple divorce hearings. And here's one of the things that I hear judges say all the time when kids are involved. I don't really care what happens to either one of the parents, I don't care about your finances. I don't care about your feelings. I don't care about you know who gets the house or who doesn't get the house. That's, that's really, judges don't want to make that decision. They make decisions on finances on okay, if neither party wants to house we're selling the house. I mean, that's the kind of stuff they do. They just give these broad stroke decisions. And but every judge that I have sat in on that's been the first thing they said, I don't really care how you feel after this divorce. But I am here to represent the best interests of your children during this hearing. And so, yeah, I've had people that could have settled in mediation, but really wanted to go in front of a judge to have the other person made look bad. And guess what, it never happens. And they have just spent wasted their time and energy and effort. And I do want to I do want to say one other thing, too, depending on where you live. And I know you're in California, I am I right on that Ilana audio in Texas, you can still have a Texas one of the nine states that you can still have a divorce by jury trial. So there are extended divorce trials, I'm working with a couple of clients who are going through divorce where their their attorneys have already said plan for five days in court. So I mean, this is the kind of stuff that can really happen. And it's it's not you getting to talk. It's witnesses, it's everybody else. So with that being said, and going on a little my own little tirade here, you have mentioned triggers. And I think this is something that that everybody going through divorce really needs to be aware of. So can you expand a little bit on that and share your wisdom?

Yeah, and actually, I want to add a little bit. So basically, if you take the triggers out of that, I mean, because imagine the expense needed to have a five day trial, imagine the resources and the time away from your children who you're fighting for. Right? The all this time, all this energy, it's not just five days, it's the prep work. It's the prep work for you, for the attorneys for the before and after. So much going on. So challenging. So keep that in mind. So back to the triggers. If you take the things that are causing you to be like, well, that's not fair. And how could they do this to me, and this also works for non divorcing people as well. Because you know, you have these interactions with your loved ones where it's like, like, for example, oh my God, my in laws are coming and I'm going to be judged on X, Y, and Z. And I'm going to have, they're going to just my mother in law always criticizes me and how dare she and you know, nothing I do is right. And and Or My mom always criticizes me, you know? Yep, things like that. So those are triggers that are being pulled and pushed. And with divorce, same thing, because here's the thing, if a stranger was to say something that your ex does to you, or your significant other says to you, you won't respond the same way. You will be very normal and cordial. Like for example, Hey, can you pass the water? You can that can cause an explosion in your significant other x Oh my god, can't they just get up and get it themselves? They always ask me to Pass them the water, it's like it's halfway between me and them. It's like, on the same on the table halfway between us, why do I have to reach out? Why can't they reach over? It's a stranger, that's all you can get up and pour it for you. You know, just like, those are the triggers that cause that. And why? Because we have some other hurts. And we have expectations from them. So our expectations, and reality has a gap. So if we bridge the gap, it's a little bit better, and we can be happier. And we can move but triggers as well.

And would you say to when you're working with people, because I see this in my divorce coaching quite a bit. And I don't know whether it's expectations or triggers or a combination of both. But they look the individuals past pattern of behavior. Yeah. And then for some reason, he hears when I hear all the time, he or she is always late to pick up the kids. I'm so tired of them always being late to pick up the kids. So here's my question. Well, how are they keeping? You know, how are they aren't showing up on appointments at time when you were married? Oh, they showed up an appointment on time. They were always they happen? Well, what the hell did you think was? Because you went through a divorce? Like that's your expectation? And your trigger? Really buying it? So where do you how do you see things like that play out? Is that Is that something you see? Or do you see that combination kind of occurring in your clients,

I do see that combination. So the thing is in bridging the gap, which is basically if you're if you are expecting them to be late, then you won't get upset that they're late. But if you're expecting them to be on time, but they're never on time, you know, the reality is they're never on time, but you're expecting them to be my my sister in law, always, always late. I love her to pieces, but she's always like, I just plan accordingly. I tell her 30 minutes before supposed to happen. And now we're on time. But she's late. And I'm aware and it's out my expectations reach my reality. So it works wonderfully. And also there was an episode about about something similar. I think you did with Denise. Yeah. season one, episode one, episode nine, about saboteurs and sage. Yeah. And so basically, the triggers kind of go hand in hand with that. And I don't want to go over the saboteurs and sage, but I will just bring up the fact that, you know, we have these Saboteurs that have been placed in our, we've created them for ourselves to protect us to help us make sense of the world, when we were kids, when we were toddlers when we were, you know, elementary school. And now we're kind of building those are building blocks, which we're building upon. With the way we see the world now. Right? One thing has changed, our diets have changed. Our workout routines change. But no, we're still sticking to the mindsets we've had when we built them when we were toddlers.

Yeah. So. And I'm glad you brought that up. And I know that you've you've done the Positive Intelligence training. And I have and Denise has. So just to let people know we're talking about the sage is kind of the wise voice in your head, the person who's out able to or the state of mind, where you're able to say this is reality, this is what's actually happening and not listening to the saboteurs, which are like those little voices that are giving you those messages like, Oh, he's he's late to pick up the kids because he's trying to upset you, or he's trying to inconvenience you. Or he knows you have a plan. And he's just trying to throw a wrench into the works. You know, No, probably not. The guy is just late. But there are things that happen. So so how can you how can you work with clients to help them tap into that sage or bridge that gap? How what are some of the things that you do?

So that's how we work with the triggers. And so basically, and just point out, the way I refer to Sage powers is basically heart centered. So when you're coming from your true genuine place in your heart, based on I just want the best and I genuinely want the best not because oh my god, I am so pissed. And I'm just going to I have to yell and I'm going to yell at him or at her and I'm just going to scream and throw things you know, it happens and and the other day, I actually got really triggered. And I was like also like and like I'm like you need to stop timeout. You can't. And so I've created this thing when and it works. Um, so when you're getting triggered, you have to twerk

Okay, I need to hear this. Yeah.

So first it's timeout, that when you're like, freeze, you know, so T is timeout. Okay. And breathe.

Take those big deep breaths. Yeah, that's just

like just, I mean, the main thing here is timeout, we'll have the breathing a little bit lower down in the line, but so it's it's basically just timeout, and then be like, Okay, why? Why? What just explore power. But why is this going on? Why am I getting triggered? Why? Like, you can be as precise as you want. I don't care. It can be. Yeah. You're not doing it to them. You're doing it somewhere else, right? You know, away from the situation, because you can't unhear things that you say, or would have been said, and you can't unsend an email or unsend a text. And then it's like, oh, but I didn't mean it that way. And I was so at the anger rage. And then of course, those texts can also get used against you in court.

Yes. Everything you typed, right? Leave on a voice message. Tell people don't put any of that stuff on Facebook or anything else.

And voice messages they keep you don't keep. Yeah. So it's also so basically time out, time out, get yourself out of that. You saying something is not going to help? So and then ask yourself why. So even in that ugly state, why so T W. came out? And the why. Now the E is explore? Hmm. What exactly is like, where in me? Is this originating? And it's like, it's a fascinated anthropologist ask yourself, why multiple times. So like, layers and layers and layers. So why is this? So? Okay, well, why are you just like you're having this dialogue and being like, well, let me dig deeper into my own psyche. Right, which is scary, of course. But right now you're putting on your anthropologists hat, right? And so, you've got this other layer underneath. Well, they do this all the time. Okay. So why does that bother you that they do this all the time? Well, it bothers me that they do this all the time. Because it's so it triggers the thing where my parents did this and blah, blah, blah, okay. Okay, now we're getting layers deeper in there. And you're like, oh, okay, so may not even be in that in them. Right. And so that's your exploring, and then release. That's when you're like, oh, breathe. Yeah. Release that, shake it out, release, wiggle, I don't care just like be like, Oh my gosh, all those triggers are just like, Okay, so that's the release. So we're, we've gotten T for time out, W for the Y, E for the Explorer, and our for the release, like Breathe it out, get that stressful, like, you've just realized this. And so getting it out of your body and breathing is very good. So breathing is amazing. I like to do four counts in hold for two out for eight, hold for two and do that at least three times three to five times is perfect. And then the last one, C is for celebrate, because you've just done a huge process in which you absolutely absolutely need to reward yourself, whether it's an amazing drink that you like, you know, or something, you know, some food or, or like just a dance party, which is great. Or anything else. But just you want to be able to do this process again. And of course, like going to the gym, it's not going to be okay, I've gotten rid of my trigger permanently. No, it's like you go to the gym, you're like, Okay, I went to the gym for 30 minutes. I have ABS No, no, you don't. I mean, I wish it worked out. No, you don't. So you need to keep doing it keep going. And but the key thing is, I'm out or and if all else fails, just talk, you know? Yeah.

I think that that's gonna stick in my mind. Because I really do. And it doesn't matter whether you're face to face with your ex, whether you're dealing with your kids, let's face it, our kids trigger us to, and we as parents, we quite often react really poorly, really badly, really inappropriately sometime with our kids. I mean, you know, it's kind of like that. What is it where the where the parent says, That's it, you're grounded for a month, and then the parent goes, I don't want to deal with this teenager for a month complaining that they can't go out. And so you've got to you've got to make those decisions. And this is this is really hard work. So, Ilana, I really appreciate you saying that, that this isn't a one and done exercise. You've got to keep doing this. And every time you manage one trigger, guess what you're going to discover there's another because I don't know anybody Well, maybe, you know, maybe some Buddhist monk or somebody that's really totally Zan might be able to do this, but most people have, we have triggers all the time it I dare anybody to say they can drive in a city and not be triggered by at least one other driver, because it's gonna happen, right? So we're gonna have to learn how to do this. So what what do you think? And we're just about out of time here. But what are the benefits for people to actually do this hard work?

Well, a better relationships, enhanced state of mind, because just like going to the gym, just like eating healthy, you're nurturing your body, you're nurturing your physical body. And if you nurture your mental body, you come up, you wake up with a smile on your face, instead of so it's basically Oh, my God, everything is horrible. You know, those pessimistic people? And then there's overly optimistic people. And then there's just like, well, I don't know, I don't care. There's apathetic people. But you know, I'm grouping. But if you just reach for a better feeling thought, or a better thinking thought, your environment is different. It's like, for every choice for every situation you've got, you've got so many options. Like, for example, I mean, when you go to the store, there's like, five different types of kale at least. And it's all kale. It's like, I don't even know the difference. And I like kale. I can't taste the difference in kale. Um, but you have at least five different thoughts, you can think, on the same topic of why did they trick Why did they do this to me all the time, right? I'm doing it to you be they're just being themselves, see, nothing's changed. How do you respond. So it's basically you can control and enhance the positivity in your mind. And if you practice that, it becomes automatic. And then your response, you don't react, you respond, and you respond from a place of love, a place of sage, and your relationships are better, and you are happier, and your children get to see that side of you, they get to see and actually witness what that looks like and experience you as the parent that you want to show up as.

And I think they watch and they see parents, kids don't want to deal with an out of control parent. They when they can see that their parents handle these situations, they learn how to handle them it. So thank you, this has been this has been so informative, and so helpful. So I'm going to ask you, because we're just about at the end here, what is kind of the one thing that you want people to remember from this conversation. Torque, I like that I'm going to remember that from this is just you know, that's I can do the arm movements. I can't do the buck movement. I got like, I don't know, it just doesn't do that.

Slowly, slowly, you know, practice makes improvement.

I think both in dealing with triggers, but also probably in my dance moves. I don't know if anybody wants to see somebody wage doing that kind of, we can do another

class on that one.

A lot of people want to get in touch with you find out more about you. What's the best way and I really should I know you're doing a bunch of revamping was with your websites and stuff. But is there one particular place that people could reach out to you?

Yes. So um, the website, I'm revamping, but I do have my website is live your best life dot coach. And I also have a gift for your audience.

Thank you. Thank you. Can you tell him, um, briefly about it? And then I'll make sure all that information gets in the show notes.

Perfect. Yes. So the gift is 25 ways to be to cool down your triggers in under two minutes. So

you have it, thank you so much. And they add, and I'm gonna encourage everybody, go to this website, download that gift.

The gift is sorry, the gift is live your best life dot coach backslash D Shift gift,

okay, D Shift gift, and that'll that'll be in the in the show notes. But please go download it. Get in touch with Alana, if you want some help with this. It's not easy to do this trigger work on your own. That's a lot of time that divorce coaches spend with people working on it. What no matter what they some people, not everybody calls, it triggers. But lots of people. It's the same thing. It's how to control your emotions. Getting emotionally healthy is a good experience for everybody. So a lot of thank you for your time and expertise. This has been amazing.

Thank you so much, Mardi. You're wonderful and it's a pleasure. Thank you.