There Is No Expiration On Grief – Dealing With Loss

Welcome to the D shift podcast, where we provide inspiration, motivation and education to help you transition from the challenges of divorce to discover the freedom and ability to live life on your own terms. Are you ready? Let's get the shift started. Hi, and welcome to the D Shift Podcast. Today, I am really happy to introduce Cindy Burns, life coach for widows. And Cindy, she's going to talk to us about a more emotional topic, I think, for a lot of people, and that is the death of a spouse. We're also going to talk about, how do you respond when you maybe find out an ex partner or an ex spouse has passed away? So our focus is going to be not on not so much and dwelling on the negative stuff, but I'm looking at how can we start rebuilding moving forward through the grief rather than getting bogged down in it? So Cindy, this is a really important topic. Can you talk to us a little bit about what got you into this, where why this is your area of passion and expertise?

Well, I am a widow, and I have what they call, I didn't know it then but what what's called now is delayed grief. I mean, I grieved in the beginning for about two months or so. And then it got interrupted because my my husband and I had six children, all boys, wow. They were all adults now. And various, you know, living all over the country. And various ones needed some help in person help, usually for health reasons. And, and so I you know, gave up everything, I had a job where I could work from anywhere. And so I packed up and was there for them. And then after a while, that stopped now they all got healthy and that their lives together. And I didn't know what to do or who I was in. I, I'm the type of person that needs a purpose. I mean, it doesn't have to be, you know, like, out building houses for Habitat for Humanity. But I need a reason to get out of bed every morning. And I didn't have it anymore. So I went, look, I just you don't have a you good. You go down a rabbit hole, and you're Googling something. And I ended up on a site where they taught life coaching. Sounds interesting. And I the first course I saw was life purpose. And that spoke to me. So I took the course, I got certified in in doing so I discovered that my life purpose is to help widows and, and that it also helped me figure out my life purpose. Plus I learned things from that. To assist me in helping others.

Yeah, and and first of all, I'm sorry for your loss. We were talking before the show, you and I are both widows. My husband passed away in 2017. And I was his caregiver for many, many years. And it was really strange for me because when when he passed away, my days had been being his caregiver. And I mean, I was working from home, but also being the caregiver. And all of a sudden it was like, I had all this time on my hands and I could like go to the grocery store and not have to worry about how do I structure this so that you know, he's not going to need me while I'm gone. And you know, these kinds of things. And I get that and so I think that's really amazing how sometimes what you're looking for just appears in front of you on the internet or, you know, a flyer at the grocery store or something you see. So

I call it synchronicity.

Absolutely. Absolutely. And so so once you discovered that you fit what what was it that made you discover that you that you didn't feel like you had a purpose? Like what was that experience like for you?

Well, I had no reason I had retired by them. You can retire early when the husband passes and see how security will take in so I didn't have have any reason to get up to get out of bed, and I found myself staying in bed till two o'clock in the afternoon. Or when I did finally get up, I just went moved from my bed to my recliner and watch TV all day. Sometimes I come and play on my computer. But yeah, it just it just my days felt empty. And I knew I Okay, I tried. I tried. I took art classes, only to find out that I can't draw a stick figure, which I already knew that reinforced it. I joined some direct sales companies, which I don't wear makeup, the first company I joined as a makeup company. I don't know what made me think I'd be successful at that. And so, you know, I've tried several others, and I didn't get very far, didn't get many sales, I usually bought more than I sold. Sure. And I am sorry.

But I feel like

what you're saying is exactly right, because I heard a quote somewhere. And I do not know who to attribute this to. So I'm sorry. But it's something along the lines of You don't get better by doing, you get better by b. And so I think what happens is people and I wish I'm going to have to look that up and find out who said that and put that in the show notes. Because that is a powerful quote, I think. And here's what people tell you when you're going through grief. Oh, just get back out there. Just you know, you take an art class, take a photography class, learn a new language travel? Well, if you don't even feel like you. If you don't see a purpose in being if you don't feel that sense of Look at the beauty and the wonder around me. Who cares if you go to India? Or who cares if you go to England or who cares if you go to you know, Nashville, Tennessee, or Branson, Missouri, who cares? Because you don't enjoy where you are, you're not whole, you're not able to be healthy and moving forward with your life. So getting becoming a coach taking that training helped you. So how do you use those skills to help other women? Um, and I'm gonna, before we do that, I want to ask you because you have a unique take on this, I think what is your definition of a widow,

by definition of a widow is any woman who has lost a loved one partner? It can be, you know, a husband, it can be, you know, a spouse of a different gender, the same gender. divorced women definitely can feel like a widow. Especially if the divorce was recent. Yeah. That horse. Yeah. Or actually, I think it might even be worse. Well, okay. Guilt is plays a big part. Right? And if it's a bad divorce, but if it was, you know, kind of a, where they were they still got along, they just knew they couldn't stay married. Sure. That's, I think, a hard one as well. So, you know, because you still love them. You just can't live with them. Yeah. So that's, and I also include engaged couples, long term boyfriends, or significant others. And, you know, I don't I don't judge I guess, marital status, sexual orientation. You know, if you've lost a close partner in your life, then you are.

Yeah. And I think that's a really important definition. Because legally widow is one thing. But reality widow isn't is another thing. We were speaking before this where I found out a guy had dated like 40 years ago, maybe? Yeah, probably about 40 years ago, I found out on the internet, that he had passed away now several several years ago. But still, even though I hadn't seen him for 40 years, I still felt wow, you know, it wasn't wasn't like overwhelming grief or anything, but it definitely was a sense of grief that I had. You know that this person I cared about at one point in time. We weren't we were in a fairly lengthy dating relationship, but it certainly wasn't ever going to go anywhere. We both knew that. But it still was that sense of loss. So how do you help widows? of whatever, whatever that broad definition of widows is? How, how does coaching help you, if you're facing that kind of, I'm going to say numbing grief, where you just don't even know where to turn, or you're so overwhelmed, or you've got kids that you're trying to help through the grieving process? How can you how can coaching help widows manage that sort of thing?

Well, depending on their situation, there are coping mechanisms that you can try that everything's going to work. It's like throwing spaghetti against the wall. See if it sticks. So that everything's going to work. Yeah, there, there are a variety of things you can try. Like you mentioned it taking a class, or cuz you never know, you know, you might enjoy it, you might meet new friends. being widowed can sometimes be very lonely. Because after the first couple of weeks, people just kind of disappear.

Yes, yes. Thank you for saying that. So here's what happens. For those of you who haven't been through it. You're inundated with messages and cards and flowers, and

all of a sudden, seems to stop.

And then it's just like, people go, Okay, well, you know, it's over. And then, and then like, or there's people in the community that don't know, when you run into them in the grocery store, you know, four or five months after the after the passing, and they say, Oh, wow, so and so doing, you have to go? Well, not Well, right now, I

do try to keep a sense of humor,

due to I mean, you know, because it's embarrassing for them. And it's embarrassing for me. I still occasionally my and my husband passed in 2017, I still occasionally have people run into me and say, Eddie do and I'm like, Oh, my gosh, let me tell you, you know, I have to say, I can't really hurt you approach that. So. So I like the idea of doing things. What what internally, do you think that people who have faced a loss like this need to focus on

they need to focus on the fact that it's not going to last this bad? Forever? That I tell everybody to go ahead and feel your shields? Name it? Is it guilt? Is it loneliness? Is it fear, or, you know, a myriad of emotions, if you can name it, feel it. But give yourself like, Okay, I'm going to be angry for the next half hour. And, and then when they have, you know, set alarm, if you need to, when the half hour and a half, take a few deep breaths, and then get on with the rest of the day. If it's brand new, that may not help. Yeah, but if it's been a couple of weeks, or even a couple of months, it usually does help feel your feelings is the biggest thing. So many of us and I'm one of them, we won't cry in front of other people. And so that that really limits. And because I have two sons, adult sons that live with me, I definitely didn't want to cry in front of them, because then they will be upset that I was upset, and I'd be upset that I upset them. And you know, the whole snowball rolling down the hill. So theory just you have to give yourself permission and even if it's in front of others, even if it's in the middle of the grocery store. It's okay. You know, people will either ask you if everything's okay, and be very timed. Or they'll give you as a side eye and walk away. So you're not, you know, you're not embarrassing yourself. People cry. Yeah, it's what happened. So, yeah, express your emotions.

And I think the other thing, one thing that I and I, by no means am an expert in this as you are, but one of the things that I found that used to happen, you know, for me, and I know I've talked to other women who have experienced the loss of a partner, where sometimes the weirdest things like even months after will trigger you like, like you're walking in the grocery store and you see, you know, your your partner's favorite food on the shelf, like something that they that they really enjoyed or something you know, if you were going to make a special dinner for the two of you, that's what you always cooked because it was both of your favorites. You see that and all of a sudden you just feel like literally that a wash of grief come over you where it's just almost like you I would almost feel like like, like the energy just left my body. So I think being aware that those kinds of things can happen months, year years afterwards, little things will will trigger that renewed sense of loss.

It's been 11 years for me. And about six months ago, I was at the doctor's office, and just your checkup sitting in the waiting room. And they seem to be playing on repeat. Michael Bolton's How can I live without? And I just saw it's been 10 and a half years. Why is this song bothering me so much? And yeah, because he wouldn't have liked it wasn't his kind of song. But you know, it was kind of a song about loss. And it just hit me.

Right? And it just made that connection for some reason. Yeah,

yeah. And then sometimes you find yourself praying, and it has nothing to do with your husband. But it kind of does. I watch the Disney movie. Marijuana, okay? No, not Mallanna in Kanto. It's a newer one, okay. And I watched it and as a person to against, I was the only one around. I served for the entire movie from beginning to end. And because I felt for the little girl in the in the movie, but that's what they told me. So. Yeah, but I hadn't cried in a while. So this was my release.

Well, and now I think I read somewhere. So I could again, I could be off base on this. But isn't there some kind of a chemical release in tears? That actually lowers the the brain chemical stuff that causes you to feel sad?

Yes, it actually it can. It can cause you to feel better. That's why we feel better after we write most of us. And, you know, there there is a release. It's not just a release of the emotion. It's not just kind of a relief in releasing that what the brain does send chemicals to, to the body to network to itself. Right? Say, Okay, she cried. Now she can be.

Yeah, yeah. And I think the other thing and one thing that you pointed out that I just really want to kind of highlight is that in your store you talked about, you didn't really have a chance to grieve because you had to deal with a whole bunch of other things. And I think if you have just recently gone through a divorce, if you have children, or even if it's been years after your divorce, and you have kids, you may be more focused on helping them manage their grief, and you don't allow yourself that opportunity. So I'd like I'd never heard that term delayed grief. So that's really I can, I can see how that would play out in a lot of people's lives.

Oh, yeah. And I usually tell widows with children, I can't speak to the children themselves, because I don't have any child degrees or anything like that, except for raising my own. But I can tell her how to handle her grief and face in the face of her children. And that's, you know, to make sure she takes time for himself, make sure she now goes, you know, a few things of self care every day. And depending on her children, whether she feels that they can handle her crying in front of them. And that's, that's only something that she can return. Right.

But I think it is healthy to talk about it's okay to be sad. Because I I was a great one and two teacher for a lot of years. And you know, I had several cases in my in my class where parents passed away for my children, for the kids of not my kids, but the kids. I called the children course. And, you know, if kids don't, don't see that crying is okay, if they think that they're not supposed to talk about the deceased parent, if they're afraid to talk about that, because that they feel that that's upsetting the surviving parent. They need to have some outlet to talk about that too. And I know we don't want to get into the kid stuff but but I think it is it is. It is important for adults to model that it's okay to be sad that you miss somebody and it's okay to feel sorrow, but we got a whole life ahead of us. So it's okay to be sore. But we also sorry, we also need to look towards the future as well because we've got we got our lives to live and I think that's what widows kind of need to focus on to write that.

Their life isn't. Yeah, it doesn't have to be. Yeah.

So this this has been some This is a heavy subject for him. But it is important to talk about and I think it's really important for women to understand there are specific coaches out there, like Cindy Burns, who, who do work with widows to help them get through this very difficult process. So, Cindy, if there's one thing that you would like people to remember from our conversation, kind of like a takeaway, or top of the mind idea, what do you think it is that anybody who's listening to this who may have had a recent or a long ago death of a spouse or partner? What information do you want them to remember from this?

There's no expiration on grief, expiration date, and feel your feelings. Thank you. Allow yourself to feel Thank you.

So feel your feelings, and there's no expiration on grief?

I think that's a those are two critical thoughts. Cindy, if

people want to reach out and get a hold of you, what is the Do you have a website or what is the best way for them to do that?

Well, I do have the free offering of a checklist. And that can be found at WWW dot Cindy J burns.com/checklists.