Red Flags And Signs Of Toxic Relationships – Homeyra Faghihi

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Hi, I am so happy to have everybody here today. And we have a very special person on our show today. This is Homeyra Faghihi, and she is an empowerment coach. She works with people that are dealing with toxic and abusive relationships. And I am really looking forward to learning a lot on this really important topic. So thank you for being here. humera.

Thank you, Marty, for inviting me. It's a pleasure to be here. And I'm looking forward to our conversation.

Oh, wonderful. I'm going to throw you right in the deep end right off the bat, can you share with us a little bit about your area of expertise?

Yes, I have been a psychotherapist for over 20 years. And since last year, I have been helping women but I have been helping women for 22 years. But specifically since last year, I have been serving women as an empowerment coach helping women who have experienced a toxic slash abusive. And by that I mean an angry or controlling or manipulative partner. And I helped them to transform their self doubt into self worth through the program that I have developed based on all the groups that I have put together for women over the years.

Can you tell us a little bit about about that background of work with women? Because I know you've got you and I have some similarities of things that we've done in the past. So can you just maybe share a little bit about that. So people kind of get a feel of where you're coming from?

Yes, of course, the my last job where I was there for nine years, I worked in a women's clinic. And part of my job I basically I have two roles there one role was to link our clients to resources. And the other was to provide mental health services in the form of individual therapy, group therapy slash coaching. And doing initial assessments. And those initial assessments really are the you know, the our interview that we did to learn about the client, and then refer them to appropriate services. And when I was doing these assessments, very early on, it became very clear that a lot of these ladies who came in for the assessment, they had experienced intimate partner violence. And that was in their history. And they talked about it. And I was really concerned that we had all of these groups that we were offering them in offering the women who came there for services, including the groups that I was offering them as well. But we didn't have anything for intimate partner violence. And so for that reason, I was inspired to get out there and get the training that's needed to and then I put the groups together and provided that service to the ladies who came there. And from there, I became really passionate about this particular subject matter. And so that's why now I work with men who have experienced a an angry or controlling or manipulative partner. That's how this program came about. Yes.

So that that is fascinating. So you've really been in the trenches working with women, this is not just a research something that you've been doing. This is really years of working. And I'm sure that you've developed some really key signs or symptoms, I guess, maybe or things to look forward. If you were to be in a new relationship, how could you possibly know if it was going to be a toxic or abusive relationship? I mean, I know you've got some ideas. So maybe before we do that, though, and I'm sorry for stalking a question. Could you maybe just in your, from your perspective, what's the difference between a toxic and an abusive relationship?

So how I see the differences toxic is either one or both partners have some sort of an unhealthy way of communicating with each other. Maybe one is mean or disrespectful to the other, or both are disrespectful toward each other. There are definitely issues with communication. But what's different with abusive relationships is that there's that element of fear and control very much present, meaning one partner uses fear or manipulation to control the other partner and have power over the other partner. And so that's the difference where there's a difference in power. And in terms of the status of the relationship. It's not equal between the two to members of the couple, and that's the difference.

And do you do you find that a lot of women that you work with or people that you work with know that differentiation, or do they use the two terms kind Under the mean the same thing or what's your sense on that?

I think that yes, people people use these two terms interchangeably. Well, from my perspective, there is that huge difference, that element of fear and control and power are very much present in an abusive relationship. Right.

And but they're both devastating. Would you say? Of

course. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So America after I sidetracked you there, can you give us a little bit about let's say, you're getting into new relationship? Yeah. Maybe you've been through a breakup or divorce? Or maybe you've just been single for a while and you're getting back into the dating scene? What are some of the red flags that you might want to look for in a partner that was toxic or potentially abusive?

Yes, that is such an important question. And I'm happy to discuss this subject. Because if you've been in a toxic and or abusive relationship, it's very hard to get out there. There's that lack of trust in the self, how do I know because I don't want to put myself through that situation again. And I don't want to be stuck in a very unhealthy relationship again, and so this is why it's so important to know the signs, I do have a long list of signs to pay attention to. But I do want to emphasize, and this is really important, just because I have items on this list, and you notice one or two of them in the person that you're dating, it doesn't necessarily mean that they're going to end up being an abusive partner. It's just something to pay attention to, especially if you see a few of these signs together at the same time. So it's really important that I emphasize that. But the last two that I will mention, they are definitely a sign that this person has maybe already been abusive. So So with that, the first one is if they if they move very quickly through the dating process, if you met them just a couple of weeks ago, and they're already asking you to, how do you feel about moving in together or living? Let me meet your family? And you know, they just go so quick. And that's not healthy, at least, and we definitely want to pay attention to that. Yes. Then go ahead.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I was just gonna say I, because I think sometimes that's, that's hard to gauge, right? Because you have that chemical reaction, you're in love. And it's like, wow, this is, you know, Mr. or Mrs. Right. And they're, they're just everything I wanted. And so how do you? How do you pull back from that? And see, okay, is this just is this? Is this them pushing? Or is this me wanting it? Or how do you? Do you have any insight as to how to do that?

Yes. I mean, yes, because it is very flattering. I do want to acknowledge that as a couple of other signs that I'm going to mention. Also, there. It's flattering when somebody says, I love you so much that I want to move in with you, and you just met a few weeks ago. But to answer your question, we can pause and remind yourself, yes, there's lots of chemistry here. And it seems like this is the right person for me. But if they are the right person, they're going to be around a couple of months from now. That's gonna go away,

right? That's the thing, they're not going to immediately start ghosting you or something if you if you just don't say no, yeah, so Exactly. Thank you. Thank you. So that was point one, what would you say would be the second or a second flag?

Yes. So then the next sign to pay attention to if they, they get jealous very easily. And they tell you, I'm really I get jealous. When you talk to this person, I get jealous when you dress this way to pay attention to that. And again, just because somebody is jealous, it doesn't mean that they're going to end up being an abusive partner. But if you see a few of these together, it's so important to pay attention. So yeah, so that's the next one, the one after that if they do huge favors for you at the very beginning of the relationship, which doesn't go with the length of time that you have been together. So let's say for example, you are mentioning financial difficulties. Oh, I can I can lend you $1,000 And you just met. That's inappropriate. We want to pay attention to that.

Oh, sorry. I have a friend who actually dated a guy who bought her a car within about six weeks of them date. Oh, my goodness. And I was like whole I don't think that's a good one. Oh, yeah.

Because what happens in these situations is that person with consciously or maybe they're not even aware of it. But they that huge gift is going to be held over your head at some point.

Sure. It's a bargaining chip, isn't it? Yes. Yeah.

Yes. So it is, you know, this is one of the things it's so important for us to be aware of is this awareness of healthy boundaries. If somebody buys us a gift, so big and if be accepted, I mean on their part, if they buy it, it's inappropriate back boundaries on our end, if we accepted is inappropriate boundaries. And so we need to be mindful of that. Sure. Thank you. Yes. And so the next one is they say a lot of negative things about their ex, like a lot. And with zero awareness or insight to how they might have contributed to the situation. Of course, if we're talking about abusive relationship in their past, that's different. But generally speaking, we can all say this is the part that maybe I contributed to our problem there. And there's no awareness and the way they speak about the partner, it's not just that they're complaining about how things went. But though the way they talk about their partner is very disrespectful. And it should be a turn off. If they do that should be thick. Yeah, at the minimum, it should get her enough, I think. Or the opposite of that can be true as well, when they would put their ex on a pedestal and use that person's characteristics or, let's say, qualities as a way to put you down and criticize you. Well, my ex used to do that for me, but you're not doing doing that for me, or you can't do that they were very good at cooking, but you don't seem to be very much into cooking. And so to compare you in that way, that's a red flag to pay attention to. Okay. Next is that go going with that is that you get criticized a lot, and they give you opinions that you're not asking about asking for. And that's a red flag. Next one is they're disrespectful to you. If they're disrespectful to you, the first month that you just let a month or two in the relationship, you can picture when they feel more and more comfortable with you how they're going to be treating you down the line.

I'm gonna jump back here to

me at any time, because I Yes, I can keep going.

Why do you think that women or men would stay in a relationship where a new partner was, you know, right, right out of the gate being really critical? Talking about their exes? Like is, is that a sign that maybe they need some healing? Some growth? Some education around this?

Yes, yes. Well, part of it could be if there's already history of abusive relationships, that is what the person may be used to. And they don't unfortunately know any different. And the younger we are, the less aware we are of this. When I talk about these red flags in our group program many time, time after time after time, I've been told I wish I knew the signs in my high school. I wish there was a class that taught us this. Yes. Yeah. Which I always say me too. Yeah, we can absolutely.

Thank you for that. And we need to have a we need to have another session a little bit later. Another time to talk and maybe look at what's going on for that. And why is that? Why is that happen? Yeah, no, thanks.

I'd also yes, of course, if there was abuse, if you grew up in an abusive home where parents were, your parents were putting you down. I mean, this is unfortunately, the sense of self is not very strong to begin with. And so that's why we don't catch these signs in a new dating relationship. And the next one is if you see them being very controlling, and sometimes control is subtle, they might plan all the dates. And again, at the beginning, it can be very flattering. But if you say okay, this is date for and I would like to plan a date, and they're not okay with that. Well, that's a sign that this is a controlling person likely good. If they are mean to kids and pets, we want to be mindful of that for sure. Oh, that should

be a big old x if there are any kids or pets. That should be like out the door right now. Yeah, yes,

absolutely. Yes. If they are focused on their self, they're self centered. It's all about me. And they don't ask you. How do you feel about the date plan? Or what is your goal? What is your dream for your future, but there is no interest in learning anything about you? It's all about me, me, me. Okay. Definitely a red flag. Another one if they if they admit to abuse in the past, they admitted that they say she made me do it. It's her fault. If she was behaving or he, they they were behaving I would not have done that to them. That's also a huge that's a huge one.

Do you find that people who are toxic or abusive do They typically signal to a new partner that they've done that in the past, or is that? Did they try to keep it hidden? Or are they okay with it? Because they don't see anything wrong with it.

A lot of times they don't most of the time, I would say they don't. But sometimes that sense of entitlement is so strong, that they genuinely believe that if I did violence to this person, they deserved it. They made me do it. I had nothing to do with it.

Okay. So that should be that should be another big red flag waving? Yeah. Yes.

That sense of entitlement. If you see that, yeah, definitely. And they pressure you for sex. Not good. That's not good. If they're not respectful for when you're ready, or how you want to express yourself sexually, if they're not open to that, if they don't take that into consideration, if they don't ask you about your needs. Also, something to pay attention to. If they let's say, if you're a we're talking to women who date men, if let's say you date a man who generally sees women as inferior, a very important sign to be aware of if they have double standards. It's okay for me to go out with my friends several times a week, but it's not okay for you to do that. Right? As an example.

And you know, that double standard thing, I'm going to throw this out here and seeing perhaps other other women, or if you're in a same part, same gender relationship, you know, the same thing. But if they're constantly, you know, talking down about a waitress or a waiter, or if they're making fun of people, maybe with different abilities, or maybe people with different ethnic backgrounds, what do you think about things like that, where it's more generalized? ageism, sexism, racism?

Of course, I mean, I would say thank you for bringing that up, I would say, it's so important that we're all aware of our values. And where, where do we draw the line? When we're dating? Right? And if we know if we're clear about our values, and that's the thing, by the way, and our needs, our needs and our values, if we're clear about those, then we know when we're dating a new person, how far we're willing to go with a certain type of comment.

Right? And I think, I think from a lot of the women that I've worked with in the past, they see these things happening, but it's like, I can fix them, you know, this is just, they haven't been exposed to, you know, life experiences, like I have, and I can, you know, teach them to be more welcoming and accepting of others. I mean, if you're talking about something, somebody in their, especially their 30s 40s 50s, they're probably not going to make those kinds of changes. That is who you're getting.

Right? Yes, yes, that people aren't going to change unless they have the insight that they need to change. And also, I would say that you deserve to have someone who doesn't require fixing.

Yes, thank you. Yay, thank you for saying that. That's so important, isn't it? Great. Thank you.

Sure. And then the last two things, these are the two things that are like the most important ones that you want to if safe, if you feel safe to get out as soon as possible. If they intimidate you, if they intimidate you, if they make you feel scared. And if they let's say for example, that they make their body bigger, they raise their voice in a way that scares you. That's a sign that they're already working towards that type of a relationship where they want to have more power in the relationship. And the other if they threaten you in any way. If they retaliate against you, if they threaten you. We we want to get out as soon as possible. If we see these things, I mean, a couple of other things that I've said before to like being mean to kids or pets, like you said, that's a huge red flag as well. But especially these two are the sign that this person is really moving toward a very abusive relationship. Yes, absolutely.

And thank you, thank you for being like really frank, honest and and concrete about these examples. The one thing that with that threatening people and making themselves bigger and doing these kind of intimidating sort of behaviors, just this tend to happen in public and private when people are using alcohol when people are sober. What What's your sense of of that relationship?

Yeah, it can it can take place anywhere. In fact, I can give you an example if you'd like on my own personal from my own personal life. I'm many moons ago when I was dating, and unfortunately I have, I could write a book on my dating experience. It's not easy to be out there, I do want to acknowledge that there's there's a lot that many of us have to go through before we find the person. But for example, this particular person, I think we were on day three or four, maybe. And we had just arrived at a restaurant and we had sat down. And he said something about the plan for that night. And I said, I don't remember the details. But I did say something like, I don't think I want to do that, or I'm not in the mood for that event or something like that. Sure. And he got so angry that I said no to the plans for that night that he got up from the table with such a florist that the water that they had brought us the water spilled over. And he made such a scene and got out of the restroom, like, rushed out of there was just such a scene that he had caused. And I just sat there for, I don't know, a few seconds, but it was felt longer, right? Confused? And, like, What, What did just happen, right? And so I got out there and I had to leave also. And back then there was no Uber, I had to go with him to my car to leave. But that was the last date that we had. And so a couple of points I want to make about that. One is that that was me in my early 30s. The me and my 20s did not pick up on things so quickly, you know, but even even with that, I even with that. I had seen a couple of things and date, like on day one and two, and three, maybe that I just say, let me let it slide. Alright. I ignored them. You know, I ignored them. And so this is why I have such passion about being aware of these signs. And also to have self compassion. The older we get, and the more life experience we have, the more we the more work that we do on ourselves, we become more and more aware of these signs and sort of have self compassion for the mistakes that we make. Not so important. That's a whole other subject. Yes.

And I think you know what, thank you for sharing that story, by the way, because I think that's a really good illustration that it can happen to anybody it's not, you know, I think that pretty much any woman or man that you speak to has got some kind of one of those really bad dating experiences. And it's kinda like just sometimes just luck and coincidence got a lot of us out of those situations. Or we could have been in very serious, potentially, emotionally, physically or otherwise abusive situations and relationships. So it can happen to anybody. That's the truth. Yes, absolutely. And I think the other thing is, I think we all want to give people the benefit of the doubt, right? Oh, he or she was just having a bad day, that won't happen again. So yeah, yes, anybody can have a bad day where they just kind of explode and act a little bit irrational or unpredictable. But if it's a pattern if you see it more than once, especially in those early stages of dating, what I'm hearing from you is that though that should be key indicators that you better reassess that that relationship and see whether or not it is safe to proceed.

And this is why it's so important to take it slowly at the beginning so that we can see these signs because if we move too fast, we're not going to be able to we're already to involve

right Humaira you have given a wealth of information. Thank you so much. If there's any one thing you want people to remember from our conversation, man, women of any age that are that are in dating relationships, what do you think would be the key takeaway from this conversation?

I would say that it is so important to know that you can you can feel empowered as you go out there and date again. Great if you have done the work on yourself and and you know what you want, know what your your needs are, what your values are, you can go out there and find the right person for you.

And all you got to do is be safe about it right and set yourself up for success.

They Yes, hello,

can you tell people a little bit more if they want to get more information? I know you do some special things with with your listeners and for your groups and for your people. Can you share how to get ahold of you? And maybe tell us a little bit about some of the programs or opportunities you have?

Yes, thank you for asking. The name of my coaching. Services is power to the self. So my website is power to the self.com. That's my website and the Three Mile A program that I offer to women who have experienced an abusive or manipulative, angry partner. The program is that I have created based on the groups that I have provided before is called empowerment for you. That's number four, and letter you and I have all the details about where does Where does where this name comes from, on my website power to the self.com. Also, I offer free, a free masterclass two or three times a month, and it's called how to say no without guilt and the information about the next one you can always find on my website power to the self.com.

Thank you HUMIRA and this is her Mira Fergie, and she is an empowerment coach. I so appreciate you coming and sharing this information. And I look forward to talking to you again in the future.

Thank you so much. It was such a pleasure to be here and I look forward to being back.