When you write something down it changes. It is no longer an ambiguous cloud, but a concrete idea with sides, corners and it is real. Using this simple method of having your child write things out can slow down time, zoom in on an issue or explore an area begging to be investigated.
In this episode, I will tell you exactly how to get this simple and profoundly effective tool going in your home.
About the Host:
Nellie Harden is a wife of 20+ years, mom to 4 teen/tween daughters, dreamer, adventurer, servant, multipreneur, forever student, and a devoted teacher, but her ride-or-die passion is her work as a Family Life Coach & Mentor.
Coming from a career background in marine mammal sciences, behavioral work, and a host of big life experiences, both great and not some not so great, she decided that designing a life of purpose and freedom was how she and her husband, along with their 4 daughters, wanted to live.
Her work and passions exist in the realms of family and parent mentorship because she believes that a family filled with creativity, fun, laughter, challenge, adventure, problem-solving, hugs, good food, and learning can not only change a person’s life but is the best chance at positively changing the world.
She helps families build Self-Led Discipline™ & Leadership Into their homes, set their children up for a wildly successful life on their terms, and elevates the family experience with big joy, palpable peace, and everyday growth!
With a lifelong passion and curiosity in thought, choice, behavior, and growth she has found incredible joy in helping families shift perspective, find answers, and a path forward.
(Nellie has been coaching families for over 10 years and has degrees in Biology, Animal Behavior, and Psychology. )
LINKS:
6570 Family Challenge- https://www.nellieharden.com/challenge
Website- https://www.nellieharden.com
Online Community- https://www.facebook.com/groups/the6570project
Instagram- https://www.instagram.com/nellieharden/
Facebook- https://www.facebook.com/nellie.harden/
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Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project
Nellie Harden:podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the
Nellie Harden:way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground
Nellie Harden:for parents who want to raise their kids with intention,
Nellie Harden:strength and joy. Come and hear all the discussions, get all the
Nellie Harden:tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into
Nellie Harden:the real challenges and raising kids today how to show up as
Nellie Harden:parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the
Nellie Harden:family and individuals of the world. My name is Nellie Hardin,
Nellie Harden:big city girl turn small town sipping iced tea on the front
Nellie Harden:porch mama who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and
Nellie Harden:minds of families by helping them build self love, discipline
Nellie Harden:and leadership that elevates the family experience and sets the
Nellie Harden:kids up with a rock solid foundation, they can launch
Nellie Harden:their life on all before they ever leave home. This is the
Nellie Harden:6570 family project. Let's go Hello, everyone. Welcome back to
Nellie Harden:another episode of the 6570 family project podcast. We in
Nellie Harden:this podcast are taking the 6570 days that are the high impact
Nellie Harden:high influence timezone of this parenthood childhood dynamic,
Nellie Harden:and really building them into the confident and the respectful
Nellie Harden:and the wise leaders that they can be. So they can go off and
Nellie Harden:have a joy filled life of impact. That's what we're doing
Nellie Harden:here in this podcast. And today, I wanted to talk to you a little
Nellie Harden:bit about the power of the written word. And you're like,
Nellie Harden:Okay, I've heard that before, you know, maybe some of the old
Nellie Harden:English poets and authors and things like that. But I'm not
Nellie Harden:talking about that I'm talking about actually your kiddo or
Nellie Harden:yourself, but definitely your kiddo taking the power of the
Nellie Harden:written word. When you can take something as ambiguous as
Nellie Harden:shapeless as a thought. And actually put it on paper, it
Nellie Harden:makes it more concrete, it makes it real, right? There's
Nellie Harden:edges, there's corners, there is an idea it is out there in the
Nellie Harden:world, right, you can take an eraser to it, but it was there
Nellie Harden:and you're always going to see it. So putting something on
Nellie Harden:paper with your own hand not typing, putting something on
Nellie Harden:paper is so powerful, okay. And I want to walk you through some
Nellie Harden:examples that I have here, because we use this in my own
Nellie Harden:home and in my practice, very, very often, right. And it also
Nellie Harden:helps you zoom in on something. So writing a letter, you could
Nellie Harden:call it a letter, you could call it a paragraph, you could call
Nellie Harden:it page, sometimes these things need like or go write me 29
Nellie Harden:pages of why this happened, right? No, I'm just kidding. But
Nellie Harden:sometimes they're longer. Sometimes they're shorter, just
Nellie Harden:depends on what is going on. But it can help you zoom in on a
Nellie Harden:decision or zoom in on a specific area of time and open
Nellie Harden:that up. And I've I've told you guys time and time again, I love
Nellie Harden:to make references. I'm such a visual person. And I remember
Nellie Harden:anyone else ever listen or watch CSI back in the day, I just
Nellie Harden:watched the original one, I didn't watch all the spin offs.
Nellie Harden:But back in CSI, I just remember that there was so many of these
Nellie Harden:scenes where it would like zoom in, and then you would dive into
Nellie Harden:the body and you would see all of these this stuff happening.
Nellie Harden:And you're like, oh, okay, that's what happened, right? And
Nellie Harden:it's kind of the same. That's kind of how I view this. You're
Nellie Harden:like, You're so weird, Nellie, I am that's fine. But anyway, it
Nellie Harden:helps you to zoom in on something and see what happened
Nellie Harden:and why it happened. So every single action there is it's a
Nellie Harden:behavior, right? And that behavior is decided on. And of
Nellie Harden:course that's outside of those, you know, nervous system
Nellie Harden:reflexes, we got the knee going and all those things, but pretty
Nellie Harden:much 99% of behaviors are decided on right. And before
Nellie Harden:that decision happens. There was a feeling and before that
Nellie Harden:feeling, there was a thought. And there's actually three
Nellie Harden:thought filters that that something goes through that a
Nellie Harden:thought goes through before it becomes an action, right. And
Nellie Harden:these are really worth exploring further. And I talk all about
Nellie Harden:this in the mindset cycle. And I will have another podcast about
Nellie Harden:that in the future. But it's something I definitely teach on
Nellie Harden:because when you can understand Wait a second, I'm actually this
Nellie Harden:is passing through three different filters and what are
Nellie Harden:my filters by the way, and That's something worth exploring
Nellie Harden:too. But today I want to talk to you about just taking a minute
Nellie Harden:to explore an action and this behavior chain or this thought
Nellie Harden:chain happening. So here's an example. Say, so there's some
Nellie Harden:parents whose child seems to be a sympathetic, right? Totally
Nellie Harden:non empathetic. It seems like they have this animosity toward
Nellie Harden:the world. And maybe they turned off their emotion switch, and
Nellie Harden:you're like, what is happening? Right, and the parents are at
Nellie Harden:wit's end. I don't know if you've ever experienced this. I
Nellie Harden:know, I definitely have. And I talked with many parents that
Nellie Harden:have as well, it doesn't happen all the time. But it happens
Nellie Harden:often enough that the parents are saying, What is going on
Nellie Harden:with my kid, right? So let's walk through this situation. So
Nellie Harden:one day, there's this little boy and his little sister wanted to
Nellie Harden:get by him, he accidentally trips her she falls, and she
Nellie Harden:gets mildly hurt, like, you know, booboo on the knee and
Nellie Harden:mildly hurt nothing, you know, Doctor worthy or anything. So
Nellie Harden:the best solution, of course, would be to kneel down and
Nellie Harden:apologize and see if his sister was okay. I'm so sorry. You
Nellie Harden:know, I you just think about what you would do if you were in
Nellie Harden:an airport or in a restaurant or whatever, and you accidentally
Nellie Harden:bumped into somebody? Would you just walk away? No, you would?
Nellie Harden:Oh, my goodness, I am so sorry. Are you okay? And help them up?
Nellie Harden:Help them clean up anything that happened, right? That's the best
Nellie Harden:solution. That's what we want to get to. But is that what he did?
Nellie Harden:No, he rolls his eyes and walks away. And the parents are like,
Nellie Harden:jaws to the floor, what the what, right? They're fed up. And
Nellie Harden:they're thinking this, you know, he must when the emotional
Nellie Harden:switch was yanked on this one. And they just take some deep
Nellie Harden:breaths, right? They probably always didn't do this. But after
Nellie Harden:we work together, we take some deep breaths. And we tell him
Nellie Harden:calmly, right? We don't want to act out of our own crazy
Nellie Harden:feelings, either, right? That's not going to help the situation.
Nellie Harden:So we tell them that he needs to please go upstairs. And I want
Nellie Harden:you to actually write a paragraph or two about what
Nellie Harden:happened. I want you to tell me how you felt. I want to tell me
Nellie Harden:about your reaction, and about how your reaction could be
Nellie Harden:better in the future. Now, they're not going to just be
Nellie Harden:like, Oh, okay, mom, okay, dad, they're gonna be like, What? Are
Nellie Harden:you serious, right, you're gonna get you're gonna get the tude,
Nellie Harden:and that's fine. And you're gonna be like, Yes, this is what
Nellie Harden:you need to do, please go upstairs. And that is your that
Nellie Harden:is your assignment right now. And please don't come out of
Nellie Harden:your room until this is done. Take some time if you need some
Nellie Harden:time, but that is what needs to happen. And he can't come out
Nellie Harden:until it's written. And if it takes a while, that's okay. He
Nellie Harden:needs to calm down, because he's probably going to be perturbed
Nellie Harden:that you're telling him to do this. And that is okay. But what
Nellie Harden:writing does is it slows down that behavior and makes makes
Nellie Harden:him think about it right? makes him think about that thought
Nellie Harden:change thought chain because his hand cannot go as fast as his
Nellie Harden:brain, our physical body cannot go as fast as thought, right?
Nellie Harden:There's some Marvel superhero that can move at the at the
Nellie Harden:speed of thought I forget who that is. I don't know. But
Nellie Harden:anyway, um, and so he needs to actually slow down zoom in on
Nellie Harden:this. You know, it was probably a maybe 10 second exchange. So
Nellie Harden:take out all the stuff in the day that happened before and all
Nellie Harden:the stuff that's happened after let's erase that, let's zoom in
Nellie Harden:on this 10 seconds. Let's actually think about this
Nellie Harden:decision process that happened right then. Okay. And it's more
Nellie Harden:real. Like I was saying earlier, there's more truth. And there's
Nellie Harden:more of the I am identity statements in there. When he's
Nellie Harden:writing this out, he doesn't want to just write, I'm a bad
Nellie Harden:brother. So that's why it happened. Right? That is very,
Nellie Harden:very rare. And if that is the case, we have some other things
Nellie Harden:we need to dive into. But it is very rare that someone is going
Nellie Harden:to say, I'm a bad brother. That's why I did it. And that's
Nellie Harden:that right? No one really wants to see that. So this is what's
Nellie Harden:going to happen. And he turns in the paper and you're reading it
Nellie Harden:and you're seeing that he accidentally tripped her. It
Nellie Harden:wasn't on purpose. He accidentally tripped her. He was
Nellie Harden:embarrassed and knew everyone would blame him for everything
Nellie Harden:again. Okay. So notice that language in there, everyone,
Nellie Harden:everything again, right? And those are those always nevers
Nellie Harden:and my husband and I did a marriage. It wasn't it was like
Nellie Harden:this marriage workshop at our old church back in Indiana years
Nellie Harden:and years and years ago. And that was one of the first things
Nellie Harden:that we talked about. There was probably I don't know nine 10
Nellie Harden:couples in there, and one of the first things we talked about on
Nellie Harden:week one was when you are having a discussion, you can never use
Nellie Harden:always and never. And every is obviously in that grouping as
Nellie Harden:well, you can't use those because they're simply not true.
Nellie Harden:Everyone doesn't blame him for everything all the time, right?
Nellie Harden:And so, but that's how he's feeling. So that is His truth
Nellie Harden:right then. And so we need to dissect that a little bit, but
Nellie Harden:let's keep going. So he accidentally tripped her. He
Nellie Harden:says, I was embarrassed. And I knew everyone would blame me for
Nellie Harden:everything. Again, he felt resentful, he's not going to use
Nellie Harden:that word. But you can, you know, extrapolate it from the
Nellie Harden:the pages that he's writing or the words that he's writing. He
Nellie Harden:felt resentful toward that, because he knows his sister's
Nellie Harden:overly dramatic. And he feels like his parents only only only
Nellie Harden:ever talked to him about his behavior. And they never talked
Nellie Harden:to her about hers. Okay, so pause for a second right there,
Nellie Harden:I just want you to know that your kids are always going to
Nellie Harden:think that they're always going to think that they are the
Nellie Harden:victim of everything, and every other sibling never gets talked
Nellie Harden:to. Right? That is that is a very normal feeling. And it's
Nellie Harden:something that is going to have to be squashed over and over and
Nellie Harden:over again. Because they're only seeing life from their
Nellie Harden:perspective. So of course, they only see or they see you talking
Nellie Harden:to them more often. Because they're not the other person,
Nellie Harden:right? They aren't the sibling. And so really getting this into
Nellie Harden:them of No, we talked to everybody, everyone's on their
Nellie Harden:own path I need to help you be you, I need to help her be her
Nellie Harden:all of these things. And so you weren't in the room when I'm
Nellie Harden:talking with her all the time and all of these things. So I
Nellie Harden:just want to put a pause. If you're hearing that, which you
Nellie Harden:probably are, you're not the only one it is very normal. And
Nellie Harden:it's something that will have to be repeatedly squashed over and
Nellie Harden:over again. So he questions let's move on. He questions.
Nellie Harden:URMS Are you question why they always talk to him and does and
Nellie Harden:decided that I'm sorry? He questioned why? In his mind, why
Nellie Harden:do they always talk to me remember those those filters? So
Nellie Harden:he had a thought? He's like they're in? I'm getting talked
Nellie Harden:to again, right? The observation, and then he's like,
Nellie Harden:Why do they always talk to me and he decides he was just a bad
Nellie Harden:kid. So why even try. And so the result was he walked away. This
Nellie Harden:is where the take them on a walk, sit down and talk with
Nellie Harden:them. Go do a puzzle and talk about this go color and talk
Nellie Harden:about this. A lot of times if you pair a physical activity
Nellie Harden:with a discussion, it goes so much better, right? Because
Nellie Harden:everything isn't focused on eye contact, eye contact, eye
Nellie Harden:contact, right? uncomfortable, whatever. But if you're
Nellie Harden:coloring, if you're walking, if you're puzzling, if you are like
Nellie Harden:building some little do Hickey, whatever that is, you can pair
Nellie Harden:some sort of physical with a good talk. But what you want to
Nellie Harden:do now is be vulnerable. You as the parent, be vulnerable. Let
Nellie Harden:him know, you know what, I totally get being embarrassed
Nellie Harden:this one time, this really embarrassing thing happened to
Nellie Harden:me. Oh my goodness, my kids, they A while ago, they asked me
Nellie Harden:they were we were on one of our umpteen million hours of a road
Nellie Harden:trip. And they were like, Ma, tell me all your embarrassing
Nellie Harden:stories. And I was like, Oh, this will be fun. So you know,
Nellie Harden:we go along, and I'm telling them different things. They're
Nellie Harden:like, what all this stuff and it just really brings you down to
Nellie Harden:their level. But one of their favorites is when I was in
Nellie Harden:kindergarten, and I really had to go to the bathroom. And the
Nellie Harden:evil lunch ladies that were there circa early early 80s You
Nellie Harden:know, and they would not let me go. They thought I was lying.
Nellie Harden:And I was like, I really need to go there. Like no, you may not
Nellie Harden:go you need to do this and then go out for recess. And so
Nellie Harden:anyway, I went out for recess, there was one of those dome
Nellie Harden:shaped jungle gyms. And I was wearing a skirt of course and
Nellie Harden:climbing a jungle gym. Lots of things to dissect here. But
Nellie Harden:anyway, I climb to the top. And sure enough, peed all the way
Nellie Harden:down from the top of that dome on to a person that was below
Nellie Harden:me. And yeah, so now my embarrassing story is out in the
Nellie Harden:entire world to hear. But that is fine. I was in kindergarten,
Nellie Harden:but my kids always bring that up because they were like, Oh, I'm
Nellie Harden:so embarrassed. But you know what, it wasn't as bad as mom
Nellie Harden:when she peed on that kid.
Nellie Harden:I mean, there's that right? So be vulnerable with an
Nellie Harden:embarrassing story of your own and help him understand that he
Nellie Harden:only sees the talks that he gets that happened to him, and you're
Nellie Harden:working to help him on his journey and helping his sister
Nellie Harden:to work on hers. And there is a very different correction for
Nellie Harden:every person, right? I can't talk to you the same way I talk
Nellie Harden:to you to the same way I talk to you, you guys are different
Nellie Harden:people, different things happen. And a good way, especially if
Nellie Harden:you have little kids. Older kids can kind of grasp that everyone
Nellie Harden:needs a bit of difference, right? But younger kids, I often
Nellie Harden:say Okay, so what if I take you to an ice cream store tomorrow,
Nellie Harden:and we walk up and your little sister says, I want? I don't
Nellie Harden:know, let's say cookies and cream. And you didn't want
Nellie Harden:cookies and cream. You want it some other time. But to be fair,
Nellie Harden:and that everyone gets the same exact thing. Everyone in the
Nellie Harden:family is getting cookies and cream. Right? And then they're
Nellie Harden:like, but I didn't want that. I know because that wasn't right
Nellie Harden:for you. That was right for her. But it wasn't right for you.
Nellie Harden:It's just such a great, simple, simple analogy to help them
Nellie Harden:understand that different people different things, right. Okay,
Nellie Harden:so we're working on this, we're helping him understand that
Nellie Harden:you're helping him with his journey, you're helping her with
Nellie Harden:her journey. And there's an age gap there, right. Which also
Nellie Harden:means that there's a wisdom gap there. And we're putting some of
Nellie Harden:that onus that ownership and leadership on him to like, we
Nellie Harden:need to teach her how to react when she accidentally tripped
Nellie Harden:somebody in the future. We don't want her just walking away,
Nellie Harden:right? And what you do, because she looks up to you, because you
Nellie Harden:are her big brother, then we need to be able to teach her Can
Nellie Harden:you help me do that? Right? So you're bringing him at, you're
Nellie Harden:being vulnerable? You're you're saying I understand you, and you
Nellie Harden:are not the worst, you know, kid, brother, son in the world,
Nellie Harden:right? And you're bringing him into the fold to help you.
Nellie Harden:Parent, right? So we're, we're growing this team mentality. And
Nellie Harden:you can also agree, I do agree your sister can be overly
Nellie Harden:dramatic sometimes. And that is something we're working on with
Nellie Harden:her again, like, can you help me do that? Right? Because if we
Nellie Harden:can help her, then you can be helped to right? Explain that
Nellie Harden:being there to help one another, especially a family member is
Nellie Harden:the right choice, because we're a team. And we and a team needs
Nellie Harden:everyone to stay strong and lift one another up a family is a
Nellie Harden:team. You guys, I've used this writing time, time and time and
Nellie Harden:time again for different situations. And even when kids
Nellie Harden:are just trying to figure something out, right? Give them
Nellie Harden:a big question. And it makes them think about it, zoom in and
Nellie Harden:think about that one thing papers do not just have to be
Nellie Harden:about overall themes of The Grapes of Wrath, right? I don't
Nellie Harden:know. That's the first thing that pops popped into my head. I
Nellie Harden:remember writing about that when I was in high school. But they
Nellie Harden:can be used for the purpose of growing emotional intelligence
Nellie Harden:as well. Right? I asked one of my kids the other day, what are
Nellie Harden:your just can you just write make some curious? And I think
Nellie Harden:it would really help me understand some things. Can you
Nellie Harden:tell me what your moral filters are? That your thoughts go
Nellie Harden:through before they come become an action. And she wrote me a
Nellie Harden:paper on it. And it gave me so much clarity, and it probably
Nellie Harden:did for her too. And then we can have a discussion about that.
Nellie Harden:Funny. Funny enough, though, I told my husband that I asked her
Nellie Harden:that question. He's like, I don't even know if I would be
Nellie Harden:able to answer that. And I was like, Well, maybe you should
Nellie Harden:write a paper on it. And he's like, I think I have to go build
Nellie Harden:the he's building a kitchen island for us right now. So he's
Nellie Harden:thinking about it while he's standing. I'm sure of it. But I
Nellie Harden:keep these letters for posterity. And also as a good
Nellie Harden:reminder, if repeated things happen again, right? So in our
Nellie Harden:instance, that we walked through if if something else happened,
Nellie Harden:where it seemed like he was shutting off some of his
Nellie Harden:emotion, we can bring this back out and say, Do you remember
Nellie Harden:when we talked about this? Can you remind me some of the things
Nellie Harden:that we talked about after that happened? And you can build on
Nellie Harden:it instead of starting from scratch all over again. So try
Nellie Harden:it and see what you guys learn. It is a great process, because
Nellie Harden:there is so much power in that written word. Okay, guys, this
Nellie Harden:is Nelly your partner and parenting Talk soon. And happy
Nellie Harden:building you guys.
Nellie Harden:Thank you so much for listening today and I hope you were able
Nellie Harden:to take something from our discussion that you can use to
Nellie Harden:build the foundation of self love leadership in your own
Nellie Harden:family. If you are a parent with children 17 or younger, and
Nellie Harden:especially those around nine and up, I would love to extend an
Nellie Harden:invitation to you to the best club in town. The family
Nellie Harden:architects Club is a private club club where intentional
Nellie Harden:parents go that want to love support, connect or reconnect,
Nellie Harden:and really truly help guide their kids and teach them how to
Nellie Harden:self lead in discipline and leadership. This is an online
Nellie Harden:community and the you are welcome to it. Parenting is a
Nellie Harden:project and you are the architect of this one. You plan
Nellie Harden:you design and oversee the construction of the beginning of
Nellie Harden:someone else's life. And that's what goes into these first 6570
Nellie Harden:days. And it will be the foundation for the rest of their
Nellie Harden:lives. So come join the club, you can find your invitation on
Nellie Harden:the front page of my website Nelly hardened.com. That is N E
Nellie Harden:ll ie H AR D n.com. Thank you again for being a part of this
Nellie Harden:conversation today. And if something really resonated with
Nellie Harden:you, or if you have a question, please don't hesitate to connect
Nellie Harden:with me. You can find me on Instagram at Nelly Hardin. And
Nellie Harden:lastly, if you love the information, please please leave
Nellie Harden:a five star review and a comment so more and more families can be
Nellie Harden:impacted by harnessing the strength of these ideas and
Nellie Harden:tools in their own families. So thank you so much. Happy
Nellie Harden:building you guys and I'll see you next week.