Finding the D.A.M.N Joy Through The Unexpected in Life and Parenting with Guest Bevin Farrand

Hello and welcome to the 6570 family project podcast. If you are a parent of a tween teen or somewhere on the way, this is exactly the place for you. This is the playground for parents who want to raise their kids with intention, strength and joy. Come and hear all the discussions, get all the tactics and have lots of laughs along the way. We will dive into the real challenges and raising kids today how to show up as parents and teach your kids how to show up as members of the family and individuals of the world. My name is Nellie Harden, big city girl turns small towns sipping iced tea on the front porch mama, who loves igniting transformation in the hearts and minds of families by helping them build selfless discipline and leadership that elevates the family experience. And sets the kids up with a rock solid foundation, they can launch their life on all before they ever leave home. This is the 6570 family project. Let's go Hello, and welcome to another episode of the 6570 family project podcast where we are putting aside the power struggles and finding the path to lead our young women toward confidence, wisdom and respect that they need in order to go out into this great big world. And I have a very special guest on today. Bevin Farrand, who I am going to start talking with in just a minute, you guys she has such a powerful story of her own journey as a woman, but also in parenting. And I don't want to give anything away but and she will tell you all the details of her own story. But it's very interesting to hear what she had coming into this experience and what she had to build along the way as a parent and a single parent right now after her husband passed away. So we're going to talk about that today. And also her damn framework. And I am not just a person, what have you. She has a framework called the damn framework that can be used in the great big things of life and also in the small moments of life every single day. And I cannot wait for you to hear this because I know that you're going to be able to take this and use it right away today when you're walking down the road. Or if you have something great big happening in your world right now, you're going to be able to use this and it's also what she a combination of what she brought into and what she has built throughout her experience. So without further ado, let's go ahead and start our conversation. All right, everyone, like I said, I've already given you a little bit of insight to this wonderful human that we have the privilege of hearing from today. But I just want to officially welcome you onto the podcast Bevin.

Thank you, thank you so much for having me. I am so excited to be here.

Oh, thank you very much. I when I first started hearing the the tidbits of your story, it just really got me and I know that there's so much so many layers to it, right? There's so many layers to what you have built into already what you've had to build to build along the way, becoming a single parent going through the infertility journey, raising these kiddos on your own. So I don't want to put any words in your mouth or anything. I want all of our listeners to just hear your story from you. And, you know, without it being five hours long, which I know you could totally fill water so up because I would be riveted the entire five hours. I would love to just know what is your story and kind of where are you coming from to be where you are right now?

Yeah, well, and we'll just have like four follow ups to this. That'll be our five hours. Okay, sounds good. So I in 2019, my husband Mark gave me four bottles of Bordeaux wine and a card written in French for Mother's Day, which was very strange because he had never studied French. So he was telling me that he had booked this whirlwind trip to Bordeaux for my 40th birthday, which was about six months later. And I got even more excited when he said and we're leaving the kids home. I was like, Oh my gosh, because we had that time had a two year old and a four month old I just had our son. And so we started to plan and then two weeks later I got laid off from a job that I absolutely loved. And we were very much a two income family so this was completely flipped us upside down I just taking maternity leave. And a couple of weeks after that. I told Mark I didn't want to look for another job. That which you know went really well. So when he I told him I said I'm tired of putting In our financial health in the hands of anyone person, we had, it's the third time I had been laid off. You know, we had big things that we had done, we had gone through IVF several times to have our two kiddos, you know, we wanted to plan and I said, I don't want to put that in one person anymore. So I started my own business. And at that time, I took what I had done for over almost 10 years for bigger companies doing their brand strategy and launch execution. And I was doing it for smaller companies. And I said to Mark, let's do this as a proof of concept. Let's see if I can make $5,000 By the end of August, and if so I'll keep going. And so I did I mean, I made like $0 $0 $1,000 $5,000 and then jumped up to $10,000 a month pretty quickly. But still, this trip seemed totally crazy, right? Like, I was like we should we really do this. We're gonna be in planes the same amount of time we're on the ground. And so even the day before we left, I was like, Should we just cancel and but we didn't, we went had an amazing time celebrated my birthday in this beautiful city. delicious wine, amazing food, just being together. And being together, the way we were before. We had kids before we got married, like just really returning to that core team of who we were. And we came back home. And it was the week of Thanksgiving. So Mark had taken the whole week off work. We did stuff around the house, we got the house ready for Thanksgiving, which has always been my favorite holiday, we took my daughter to her first movie theater show had Thanksgiving and it was pre COVID. So we had like 25 people there. And then the day after Thanksgiving, I went upstairs to wake up mark, and he was ice cold. And I couldn't wake him up. And he had passed away in the middle of the night. completely unexpected. Lee, we had no idea that one of his arteries was 95% blocked and the other was 50% blocked. And all of a sudden, my whole life was upside down backwards, twisted around. And I am now a solo parent of two children under the age of three at the time. I'm an entrepreneur with a very fledgling business as the sole provider of my family. And I'm doing it without my best friend and a love of my life by my side who had always been my biggest cheerleader. And so it was a whole new reality. And about a month later, I posted about it. And I on Facebook, just saying like this happened. And we had just been on this trip. And I ended that post by saying something along the lines of I'm so glad that we had been on this adventure together. And whenever you're faced with a choice, just take the damn trip. Yeah. And that resonated with so many people. And they reached out to me and said, I took this trip with my family or my with my dad or I took this risk because it's it's not about trips. It's about taking a chance, like taking a chance on yourself on your big bold, crazy dream, I call it and so that really, I looked back and I looked back at the hardest things I've been through, not just losing mark, but the IVF journey, miscarriage, losing my dad to cancer when I was 24 Losing my home and a house fire. And I had to ask myself, what was it that I do differently? Not better, but differently than other people to navigate these situations, and then also create amazing things like taking my business to six figures taking, you know, having these kiddos and that is where the dam framework came from. And so I will say the word dam a lot. But it means

for like mindset shifts that when I looked at what I did differently, those were what carried me through and and once you see them, you can't unsee them. So now I use them to create things in my life. And so for so let me tell you the damn framework. And I'll tell you what I most recently, like

drumroll.

So it stands for decide and declare, attend your own party moments, not minutes, and now is the time. And so now I use it to create things. And so in 2020 I thought so what most people didn't know is that when Mark passed away, we were about 60 days away from doing our next round of IVF. And so in 2020 I went through those whole things I decided what was the most important thing to me and I declared that and I stayed present and I chose moments, not minutes and I knew that now is the time and I decided to move forward with that IVF as a solo parent with the embryos that Mark and I had frozen before he passed away. So now I am a solo parent of a five year old, a three year old and a seven month old. Wow,

praise you. Crazy. Wow. So, okay, so that is just a lot to take in right there and just peeling apart some of these layers. I mean, I've I've been down the infertility Road, my mom was a single parent, because my dad passed away when I was one, after a very, it was an accident, a car accident. And, you know, just we actually, my husband went through two years of heart issues and then had to have heart surgery. And we didn't know if he'd make it. And so, so much of your story, and Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. So we're best friends in the making. And so, just so much of that story. And I want to ask you, because I find this really fascinating in people's stories that have, you know, overcome so much. And I think because I have been through so many different trials in my life, and you've been through so many trials in your life. It's almost shocking, sometimes to meet some adults that are like, Oh, I've never lost anyone close to me. Nothing has ever happened to me. I was like, that still exists when you're 40. You know, I'm 43 I think. And Mark had never really

lost anybody close to him. And he was 40. You may lost some grandparents when he was younger, but he'd never like experienced that. In his understanding years, if that makes sense. Yeah. So yeah, that's exist. But yeah, it's strange.

It is strange. But the fact is, it usually always comes right. Yeah. And so I'm, I want to ask you, so what characteristics do you think that you already possessed coming into this season of all of this massive pivoting in your life? Went from IVF to losing mark, and then doing IVF? on your own? All of that, what are some characteristics that you brought in? And what are some that you had to build along the way? Because we're like, Oh, I see a gap here. I need to go in and fill that.

Yeah, that's such a good question. And one thing I'll say, though, when we were talking about the people who hadn't been through such traumatic loss, because I had that when I when when I had my house fire, and I was staying with a friend. And you know, she woke up one morning, and she was really cranky. And I said, What's wrong? She's like, it's nothing compared to your problems. And I said, That doesn't matter. And I think it's David Kessler, that says something along the lines of like, the hardest loss is always your loss. Right? There's sometimes people hear my story. And they're like, whoa, like, nothing compared like, I should not complain. And I'm like, but it doesn't matter. Because you don't live my life every day. Exactly. Yeah. So you lose something, you know, you lose a job, you don't get a promotion, you have a breakup, like those are still things to grieve, right? And, and are valid. And so that has been something that I try really hard because it wasn't like, I lost Mark and I popped up and I was like, How do I create a movement out of this? Like, you know, there's still days that I grieve hard. And so um, yeah, I just always like to draw that distinction. But I think that

was real quick in there. Because I think that's such a good point that you bring up and there's something I'm a huge fan of Brene Brown, I like follow her a lot. Of course you are. So anyway, I was reading I got her book, literally like right here. Yeah,

I was listening to it right before we jumped out, we are best friends. Listening to it. As I drove home,

let it come out. I signed up for the for Audible when it was going to but she it hadn't come out yet. And I already have the book. So I'm like doing it the old fashioned way with my eyeballs. So anyway, so but in there she's talking about and I've experienced this too, where you go through an experience. And you are like, Oh, that was really hard. And you're trying to give yourself room to process that. But then you hear someone that is quote unquote, worse. And you're like, oh, I don't have a right to do that. And it makes the healing process so much longer for yourself because you keep cracking and trying to heal these little, you know, these little inconsistencies instead of really diving into it and healing what you've been through. So anyway, just wanted to pause in there and say there is real truth behind that of owning your own path that you're going on and owning your own. You know, whatever it is it's guilt and shame it's victimhood from something whatever that is, instead of just comparing everyone's hard, right,

yeah, and that is the A of the damn framework 100% which is the attend your own party. And these are things like I have both I knew and I've deepened along the way but so the attend your own party is like, you probably heard the well if you've ever taken yoga, it's like stay on your Your Own mat. And that's that we can always make our sale cells feel better or worse, depending on which way we look, right? Like, if I want to make myself feel better, this is gonna sound terrible. I never do this. But well, if I want to make myself feel better about the fertility journey, I look at people who have not been able to successfully conceive, like, I feel awful for them, and I have so much compassion and my heart goes out to them. But then I feel like oh, how lucky I am, that I've been able to do this. And if I want to make myself feel worse, then I look at people who didn't have to go through that, who just can see it naturally without like any struggle. But none of that is useful. And so when we stay on our own mat, and we compare ourselves to where we've been, and where we want to go, it's just so much more powerful, right. And it's also the other part of it is that we are creating our experience of our lives, through our thoughts. And so we can change our experience by just questioning whether there's another way to think about it. Oh, absolutely. And I call it taking 100%, radically loving responsibility for our role in the experience of our lives. This is something that I've definitely developed along the way. And like I said, I think I had a sneak peek of it. But now in that is that I am responsible for how I show up, but not how things ended up. And when you're a solo parent, there is a lot of opportunity for you to feel guilty about what you can and can't do. And so we fit in this is everybody, but like, just in particular, I think solo parents deal with this a lot, where you feel like oh, well, you know, I should volunteer here, or that person wants me to do this. So I should do it. And we know, like, we don't really have the capacity. But we feel guilty saying no. But what we have to remember is we can say no with a lot of love and a lot of compassion. And we can set our boundaries with a lot of love and a lot of compassion. And we can show up and be responsible for how we show up. And let go of the responsibility of how it ends up let go of the responsibility of how other people feel about our actions. Absolutely. It's outside of our responsibility.

I deal with this so much with you know, I, I, when I'm doing my coaching, I specifically mostly work with parents of teen young women, so that nine to 18, because nine is a preteen now I'm like, yeah, no, right. But, and my own daughters are 1214 14 and 16. And so, but I deal with this a lot, because parents either are like, I don't want to be responsible at all for the way that it ends up. So I am just going to back away now when they are, you know, 1213 years old and see what happens. Or they go all in and they are helicopter parents or you know, lawnmower parents, all these things, you know, all these new terms that they have today. And they're like I am controlling everything because I am in charge of how it ends up in that. So what you're seeing is exactly what I try to help parents do just show up have the conversations, right? You are not going to be responsible for what happens, you know, to them, and what decisions they make. But you are responsible for showing up and doing your part in that. So Wow.

100% Yeah. And I think that that ability to be present and this is sort of the moments not minutes part where we focus on the moments that aren't replicable. And we focus on the moments that are so important and powerful. That's another thing that I've absolutely learned. And I get I see, I have this all the time. Show up because my daughter who is five remembers her dad and remembers losing him. She was there that morning. She was the one like begging me to stop screaming with her hands over ears because she was like, I don't understand what's happening. And so it comes up a lot for her of like, I just miss Daddy. I'm just sad because I miss Daddy today. And I, we talk about it. And I tell her like it's okay to be sad. I'm a firm believer that there is no such thing as a bad emotion. And like we were talking about before, like with making things stick around longer, the longer and harder we fight our emotions, the more they stick around. I call them emotional riptides. That's the way we is when we fight against it. So but recently what's been really interesting for for Gwenna Vir is joke I'm like, I feel like when she does something that she perceives as wrong like she might get in trouble she's like, but I'm just sad about Daddy. Because she knows it's allowed. Like, she knows she's allowed to be sad. We always talked about that. And like, I feel like she thinks it's like her Get Out of Jail Free. And so I've had to say to her recently, I'm like, It's okay to be sad. And it's also okay to be happy. And she knows that, but just reminding her that there are no good or bad emotions, we just bring our own judgment to them. So in any situation, we can hold more than one emotion. And it's okay to feel whatever we're feeling. So that's something that as a parent, all I want is to take that heartbreak away from her, right. I mean, I want Mark back so badly. And more than that, I want Mark back because I don't want my daughter to have to have gone through that. And my son too. But he was so young, right? He was only 10 months old. So that's something I think as parents, when we talk about showing up, is being willing to like, show up and sit and not fix Yes, and not manipulate situations to make. I mean, I'm not saying don't make it easier for your kids. But like, you know, not my sister was dealing with my daughter, my niece is 16 like a situation with my nieces, friends and like, Don't get involved. Just you gotta you gotta set you got to support her. Be there when she needs you. But don't try to don't dive into that one. Like, yeah, it's hard

to help her help. Help. Yeah, her daughter, you know, talk through her feelings and decisions and actions and all of that? Absolutely. Because, I mean, I see this so often is our kids are graduating and leaving home, and then they don't know how to problem solve on their own at all, because they have had their parent, they're doing it for them this whole time. And so I yeah, I definitely see it and equipping them with the ability to problem solve is one of the best things that you can do as a parent. So goodness, that is, that is awesome stuff right there. So I just want to say as a, as a kid that grew up with a dad that passed away super young, and my dad was, he was in a coma for nine months before he passed away. So it was it was this big, traumatic event. But I was one right, but my mom had to walk through that. And then she had to take them off of life support. And it was it was dark and terrible. But I love that you're talking to her about him. Yeah, like, just keep talking to her about him, and

have him everywhere. That's amazing. And when we had when I had Maristella. And I said to glenavy, I said you have such an important job. And she said, What, as I said, we have to share the stories about Daddy. Because Jonathan doesn't really remember him. And Maristella will have never met him. So it is our job to tell those stories. And I think she really, she likes that. And yeah, it's, it's, it's hard like I was talking to I've said this to a lot of people recently, because it's a gut punch when we're having a great day. And then all of a sudden, we get her in the car seat, she starts crying. I'm like, what's wrong? She's like, I just, this is so heartbreaking. She said, Do you think that the police officers are going to bring daddy back now? Or have they just forgotten about him? And I'm like, Okay, I have to go through this again and say, daddy died at ease. And that's my mom was with me. And she's like, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that over and over again. And I was like, I just never know when it's gonna come sometimes. So that being prepared, not not. So like, because sometimes people will say, how do you prepare for these tragedies? Right? Like, how do you how do I prepare for like, when my daughter's gonna get upset? Or how do I prepare? And I say you don't?

Right? I was just gonna say,

I don't think you catastrophize that way, because there's no way I would have sat and thought, what if my husband dies at 40? Right? Like, I would never would have thought of that. So and that's living up in our thoughts and our anxiety. It's not fear. Fear is something you can take action on it's anxiety. And it's instead we just have to stay present in the moment that like, now is the time staying grounded, and know that we have gotten through every hard thing that we've ever faced. So what makes us think that there's going to be something that we can't get through in the future?

Hmm. That's such a great mindset to have. So, with that, and so how old was your oldest daughter when he passed? Two and a half. Three. Yeah. Okay. And one of the things that I go through with my parenting clients is talking about the inevitable impacts of parenting. And I say all the time, you know, these are impacts that are going to happen in these first 18 years, whether you want them to or not, whether you're there for them or not, whether you're like the, you know, a plus parent of them or not, right, they're going to be impacts that your kids carry with you. And one of those big things is if they are there or not. So I can say that my dad was one of the biggest hands down impacts of my entire childhood. But he passed away when I was one, right. And so having that and being able to be, you know, open and honest about that, I think is so important for her, I just, I feel I feel for your daughter and everything that but not just sadness, there's that but also just so empowering. Like, my dad has been one of the most empowering figures of my entire life. And even when I went into college, and thereafter and even today, he's so empowering to me, even though he's not right here physically with me, so, so I feel for her, but I also am just like fist pumping her, you know, she's, she's,

she's gonna take over the world. Like somebody said to me some about being a big deal the other day, I was like, why don't you talk to my daughter? Because she is the biggest deal. Like, I don't know what else to do, but she's gonna be amazing,

because gonna follow the parade, right?

She is she's like, Oh, the praise over there. I'm taking a left, it's gonna follow me like, it's hilarious. Yeah, and I think you know, it's so interesting about what you said about the impact of parenting. Because when I talk about the damn framework, and people think that we just use it for big bold things, oh, my gosh, I use it every day, sometimes, every minute, because there are times I have three children under the age of five and under, there's a lot of them, there's only one of me, they don't like to sleep. So you know, all the things. And there are times where I find myself yelling, or like not being the parent I really want to be. And so I go through that framework, I stop, and I get present. And like, just get grounded back in the moment, which usually is like getting grounded back in our body. So like rubbed my hands in like touched my like, like body because your body can only ever be in the present moment, your thoughts can be all over the place. But like, get grounded, and then I decide and declare, like, what kind of parent do I want to be right now. And I just, but I forgive my like, I don't sit here and dwell in the, you never should have yelled and you just like I'm like, okay, like, just pause, like, acknowledge what's going on and then do something different. And that's something that I think as parents, we can, we can take one moment, one millisecond, where we did something we're not proud of, or what have we snapped at our, you know, my son wants to crawl in his car seat by himself. And I'm like, just get in there like, and I can be so like, frustrated with myself. And and I can dwell on that and think, oh my God, I am the worst mob. Or I can be like, who I am a human. And, you know, I also made my son pancakes today. So like, let's figure out where I'm gonna focus. So, as a man, as parents, we just have the opportunity to beat the crap out of ourselves mentally so much. And I just encourage and invite everyone listening to put the baseball bat down and just know like, we all know you're doing your best.

Right, right, exactly. I know, it's so easy, especially when you're working toward the latter years to be like, well, I screwed up for 1012 years. I'm like, well, pivot right now. Just show up say, You know what, I realized that didn't do my, my best there that might have hurt you. But we're making a pivot and I'm here for you, you know, you can always just make the pivot make the change and beautiful things can happen from that. And, you know, I It doesn't matter if your kid if it turns 18 Next week, guess what? We still have time. We still have time. So yeah. And even afterwards. Yeah, I never I always say you know, I work with nine to 18 because that really is you know, before they get that quote, unquote, adult title and I was like, but you don't stop parenting at you know, 18 by any means. You know? It's not like

that. It's my mom and she's how she's parenting her four children. And I'm the youngest. So parents.

Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Well, it has been a joy to have you on here today. And I tell you, you have definitely impacted me I wrote down Um, the dam framework for myself and just using that, and, you know, we're going through just some things with just a lot of balls in the air right now. And I'm like, You know what? Damn, I'm gonna, I'm gonna do the damn framework.

Yeah, I mean, that's what I call the dam barometer. So it's like, when you're when you get this full body Damn, either way, you're like, damn, yes, like, go towards that. And if you're like, Tam, no, then away from that. Like, but everyone, you can just be like, damn, okay, like, and it's a good like, place to pause. And, and one thing I'll say about when you were talking about the parents who, like your kids are turning 18. This is the moments not minutes, right? Like, it is not about the minutes. It is not about the minutes of how many years we've lived. It truly is about the moments. And those are the things that your children will remember that you will remember. And we just want more more damn positive moments than than bad. And you can always create more of those. So I

definitely, well, like, even when you think back in your memories, does anyone think of an entire 24 hour span when they're like, that was such a good day? This is what I did at 9am and 10am. And, you know, I was like, No, you think of like 10 seconds, maybe you think of maybe an hour at the most whatever that is, but it's it is it's these moments, not minutes. Absolutely. Yeah. So tell, tell me an audience where we can find you and just get in your parade.

Well, you can find me at Bevin ferens.com. And from there, you can really join everything. So there's a take the damn chance community that you can be a part of, you can find me on Instagram, I have a really good five day training that you can get on them and farren.com It's free, you just sign up for it. And it's called uncovering ignite your big, bold, crazy dream. And it's just a really great way to kind of get more clarity on what I call your Yes. So that you know what you really want to create in life.