GOOD GRIEF, CELEBRATE YOUR LIFE With Jason Harris

Welcome to the shiny brightly show. I'm Howard

Brown author speaker, Silicon Valley entrepreneur,

international peacemaker, and yes to time stage for cancer

patients, survivor and advocate. Each episode will take you from

resilience to hope and a whole lot more. Because Shining

Brightly does make the world a better place. Be prepared to be

inspired.

Hello, it's Howard Brown, Mr. Shining Brightly. I got a great

show for you. Today we are going to go and learn. We are going to

learn about grief because it is part of the cycle of life. And I

have Jason Harris here. Cool new guy just met Jason Welcome. How

are you?

I'm doing great. I'm so happy about being here.

Oh so good. I'm glad to hear you. We're, we're

gonna motivate, educate, and inspire. But we're gonna teach

some people today and I'm really happy that you're here. Let me

let me tell you, Jason is an impressive guy. So let me tell

you a little bit about him. So Jason Harris is an esteemed

celebrant, you're gonna learn how to celebrate is and a

visionary founder of mourning into dancing. With his

groundbreaking book, Good grief, celebrate your life. He's

revelate revolutionise the landscape of funeral service,

infusing them with a unique blend of laughter and warmth

that resonates deeply with families. Through his role as a

trusted adviser to funeral directors, Jason addresses

prevalent issues such as the decline in pre arranged funeral

planning, and the prevalence of mediocre funerals, and offering

invaluable solutions to prevent burnout, enhance family healing,

and the funeral experience. It's just really, really important

because I have to tell you, this resonates with me, and why I

wanted Jason on the show is that I work in the cancer business. I

am a patient advocate and a patient expert. And

unfortunately, in colorectal cancer, Jason, this is going to

be astonishing 152 or 3000. Diagnosis this year, the number

one killer for men under 50. number one killer for women,

breast cancer is still the number one for women under 50.

That means 100,000 People are going to be in treatment. Why?

Because 1/3 53,000 people in the US will die from colorectal

cancer this year. That means there will be grief and loss and

mourning and weighing, you know, seeing you know how to put your

life back together again, when you lose a family, a friend, a

co worker. So we're going to talk about that. But before I do

that, tell me some we may not know about you.

Well, ah, I have five kids. And when my second

child was being born, right before she was delivered, the

nurse midwife turned to me and she said would you like to catch

and I panicked? And I said no. And so I didn't. But then I

thought that would have been so cool. And so the next daughter I

had that was born we made it a part of the plan and I can

literally tell my daughter I brought you enter this world I

got to cut the cord on all of them but to literally deliver my

child Emily was a true blessing to me was awesome. So

my daughter is also Emily okay, my one and I

cut the cord and I watched her come into this world but I was

not the catcher I was right there though. Right? They're the

action right but had the box seat for sure. Wow. It's just a

beautiful thing. That's that now we're talking about now bring

someone into this world and life. Give me a little

background. Tell me Tell Tell Tell my audience and listeners

about about you and how you got into this line of work.

You know, it's fascinating, and it's a great

question I was I went to Bible College and Seminary I was

called a ministry when I was about 18 years old became

licenced and ordained, and I was off and running with a lot of

excitement. And I've been in youth ministry, I've led

worship, I've been an associate pastor, I've been a pastor, a

church planter, and, and all of that. And so I've and all the

years that I was the pastor of a church, it's the expectation if

one of your parishioners died, that you do the funeral, the

pastor's just expected to do the funeral if one of your church

members now fast forward about let's say about 17 years ago, I

experienced a lot of tragedy in my life, a lot of failure. And I

was actually out of ministry for a while and and I got into sales

and fast forwarding really fast into I became a really good

salesman and like, you know, Windows and Siding and home

improvement and things like that. And then I moved back to

Texas so I knew I was going to need another sales job. I was

I'm married. And I saw this ad for pre need funeral

arrangements pre need funeral insurance. And be honest with

you, Howard, my initial reaction to that was, that sounds morbid,

that doesn't sound very fun at all. And so I kind of pushed it

aside for a while, but it became, you know, probably my

better option. And so I went to hear about this premium funeral

insurance. And I was so intrigued by what it was that I

thought people would be crazy not to pre arrange their own

funeral just save so much heartache and emotional trauma

and everything for someone to have to make 100 decisions on

the worst day of their life when someone passes away. And so I

got really good at the job. And then the company I worked for

said, we'd like for you to be our East Texas market sales

manager. And so my job was to start working with about 50

Different funeral homes all across Texas. Well, word got

around that Jason also has a ministry background and can do a

pretty good funeral. And so I started being asked to speak at

funerals for families that didn't have a minister or a

church or whatever. Well, there was a brand new aspect to this.

Almost all of the funerals I was being asked to do was for

someone I didn't know. Most pastors are asked to do a

funeral for somebody they know. And so how am I going to lead a

life celebration? Because that's the way I view funerals. Our not

as some traditional, sad, sombre, morose occasion that so

many traditional funerals are, I believe that we should really

celebrate someone's life. And so I thought, How am I going to do

that? If I didn't know and I didn't want to pretend like I

knew them. So I came up with five questions. And these five

questions if I can ask as many family members as possible

brands, put the questions out the night before the service

like visitation. It's not only going to be a very personalised

eulogy and service what I never get tired of hearing. I've heard

from a dozen funeral directors, Jason, we've never heard so much

laughter coming out of our chapel than when you do services

here. And you know what, I'll take that. I loved it. The first

time, I saw a funeral director literally appear in from the

back of the chapel to see what in the world is going on in

there? Because why is everyone laughing? Why is that it is a

funeral, right? But there was laughter now there's also tears,

but you know, laughter through tears happens to be a very human

emotion.

Yeah, this, this is really interesting. One of

the things that we're talking back in the in the greenroom

before the show came on, is that you're telling me that many

folks in pastors and ministers, they get very just a small taste

of training on actually how to conduct a service, a funeral

service, which many do call a celebration of life. I'm not

sure why that is. But it's really important. I, you know,

we come at it from you know, different ways. But in the

Jewish world, the rabbi who's who's doing the service

typically, doesn't always have to be a rabbi, but they do

typically sit with the family members, and they're trying to

think about their entire developed life, their impacts

their interests, some of the things that they made mistakes

with, and you know, you can you want to talk about that. And

what we say, at least in the Jewish world is made their

memory and name before a blessing. Because you don't even

have 144 characters on a tombstone, right, we're really

going to remember them. So when we speak of someone that has

passed, we are honouring their memory, we are honouring their

name, and they want you to say their name and things like that.

So to me, one of the striking things you told me and getting

to know you is that there's relatively very little training

for that in being a pastor and a minister. But you've taken this

to a whole nother level, this is now your calling. It's really

great. Do you want to talk about the five things that you do?

Absolutely, as a matter of fact, that and that's

been so revealing for me, that not only wasn't my experience

that I had only one lecture, not one course, one lecture on

funerals, that was coupled with also doing communion and baptism

and weddings. But it was just really about protocol. And so,

but not only is there not training for how to really help

a family, celebrate the life and then follow up with them and the

aftercare, not a very important part that we'll talk about in a

moment. But people in general are not really, I mean, did you

take a course in high school about helping your grieving

friends? I mean, no one is really instructed on grief

support. And so you have the other side of this where you've

got an entire community of people that all they really know

are common cliches that you say when you find out your loved one

passes. And they'll say something like, well, at least

they're in a better place, or at least they're not suffering, or

whatever.

No, they'll say sorry for your loss. Yeah,

basically, the standard is sorry for your loss, right? It's

almost like saying, how's it going? Right?

But it's our vernacular when someone passes. And so both

sides really need to be educated. And that's why I'm

very passionate with mourning into dancing. But yes, the five

questions that I asked that, that I've, you know, if you get

the book, you'll see four different applications to these

five questions. And the first one is very simple at, I want to

know what did you call this person. And so someone has

passed away many times, sadly, the pastor is given an obituary

about 15 minutes before a service starts. And so they read

the obituary, sometimes badly, and they stumble over names, and

sometimes mispronounce names, but then you never hear the

name. Again, they'll preach a sermon on heaven or something

like that. And so when my grandmother, my father's mother

passed away, 25 years ago, if someone would have just read the

obituary, and talked about Mabel Lee Harris, how are they okay?

That's my grandmother's name, but I, I called her memo. And so

I want to know, a term of endearment, a familiar term a

term that, that, that's music to our ears, we love the sound of

our loved ones name. But we also love the sound that we call

them. And so I don't I mean, I go by my middle name, my actual

name is Nick, Jason Harris. But if somebody just was handed an

obituary at my funeral, and they kept, they would just assume

that everyone calls me, Nick, and everyone would be looking at

each other, like, Who's he talking about? And so that's the

first thing. And by the way, when I share the answers that I

harvest at the eulogy itself, I instruct the crowd that has

gathered, look, we're going to use our imagination and not

think of this place as a Funeral Chapel, but rather a giant

living room. And we're going to sit around with this family, and

we're going to celebrate their mother, their sister, their

whoever the person is, and we're going to celebrate that person.

And you know, that first, they're all looking like, Okay,

what does that look like? Because they're used to just

coming to a funeral setting, sadly, and sombre? And no,

there's no participation. But by the second question, which is,

if you could describe this person with only one word, what

would it be? And I'm asking for one word, I'm not asking for a

speech. And so and I've already got in my manuscript, the

answers from the family members that I've already asked. And

they might say, my mother was fun. And I might say she was

disciplined or whatever. After I read all the answers that I've

harvested, I look out at the crowd, I say, Now, what are we

leaving out, I just want you to raise your hand and shout it

out. And it's like popcorn all over the chapel. The family gets

to hear these beautiful adjectives rained down on them,

that she was amazing. She was beautiful. She was funny. She

was serving, or whatever. And then some say you feel the room

kind of relax. And some start to feel the freedom to, you know,

plant their tongue firmly in their cheek and say she was

sassy. Or she was stubborn, and people start to chuckle. And in

the room, it starts to shine brightly. It's beautiful. It

starts to light up. By the time I get to the third question,

tell me one of your favourite memories ever with this person.

And that's where the laughter begins. Because most people that

I asked that question, the favourite memory is when

something crazy happened, when something audacious happened

when something was just so bizarre. And the laughter is, is

fantastic. And I'll give you an example. The first time I

started using these questions, I asked a woman whose husband had

just passed away. And they had been married for 26 years. And I

said, What is one of your favourite memories of all with

your husband? And I was expecting her to talk about

either their honeymoon or cruise, maybe they went on or

some big elaborate story. And the very first thing that fell

out of her mouth after she looked up and smiled. I knew she

had access to great memory. She said, Well, first of all, we've

got a very steep driveway. I thought okay, and she said, I

once watched my husband ride and office chair like the one I'm

sitting in right now, out the garage door, down the driveway

and across the street just to see if he could do it. And it

took me all of seven seconds to say that story. And you got a

big smile on your face and you're chuckling and you have no

idea who this man even is. But to repeat that story. At his

life celebration in a room full of people that knew he was a hey

y'all watch this kind of guy. They were holding their sides

and they were rocking in their chair and laughing, tears coming

down their face, because they could see him doing that. And so

I love that. And then some people even have the freedom to

share a couple of other stories. And it's all very organic. And

then I wrap up the last, the last two questions are simply

give me a life lesson that you've gained, having had this

person in your life very profound answers there. Someone

might say, you know, I saved my money because of my grandmother,

you know, she was born during the Great Depression and

whatever. And, or, you know, they'll they'll share something

some way that their loved one impacted their life, change

their life, by their demonstration. And then finally,

I asked if he or she could speak to you just one more time? Yeah.

What would she say to you now? And oh, my gosh, that's, that's

a very emotive question. And that's where the waterworks

usually come on. But all of it, the family feels completely

embraced not only in memory, but in the essence of who their

loved one is. And, and it's a celebration.

I really appreciate that. And I will, you

know, obviously, there's way more detail in your book, and

we'll talk about that too. But in chapter one of my book, it's

the lessons I learned from my immigrant grandmother, Bobby

Bertha bhootish. And she came from Lithuania could have been

Ukraine could it was Russia. She's called it Rashi. And she

spoke seven languages. But I remember as a little kid, she

talked to us about kindness, choosing to be kind choosing to

be giving, choosing to be healing, choosing to be

grateful, and choosing not to hate. And that's the first

chapter of my book, I just gave away the first chapter in my

book, and that's powerful. And, and the one thing that our whole

family does, I'll just share this, because it relates to what

you're saying is that, she said that found money, I'm talking,

finding a penny finding $1, finding $20 bills is not your

money, it's God's money. And we put these in what are called

Jewish piggy banks called sadaqa boxes. And we as a family still

do this today. We do this we take that we put the found money

in and it goes to someone in need. It's a beautiful,

beautiful story that she basically that that was her law,

rule of law that's called sadaqa, or the justice of

giving. And it just is ingrained in our whole family. And so when

that story was told, everybody was going, yep. Oh, yeah. And

you did it. And then you told her, You did it. And it was

really a blessing. So I resonated with those, those

questions as well. And I think that, you know, you're trying

to, you know, there's no right or wrong, but you can still

grieve you can cry, you can feel emotional, right? You're not

taking away any of that. But you are bringing some some some

information and important the life's journey together and

people are there are some really funny and crazy stuff that's

happened. So it's good to appreciate that acknowledge that

as well. And is it is this what you would call part of the

healing process this right there?

Yes, I would. But there's another aspect that I

really want your listeners to grab hold off. And that is the

truth that the family gets the most support when they feel it

the least. And that is at the funeral service that we kind of

have the whole Grief Support System flipped on its head. And

that is, you know, so everyone comes to the funeral, they'll

take off work, they'll make arrangements so they can be

there for this family who's grieving. But the truth of the

matter is the family at that time, they're in denial. They're

in that stage of grief, where they're just sitting there

through blank stares trying to especially if it's an unexpected

death. If they have a loved one that was killed in a car

accident, they just would everything was fine a week ago,

and now they're gone. They're sitting there in this surreal

fog just trying to think am I gonna wake up this has got to be

a bad dream. Meanwhile, everyone's coming up to them

saying I'm so sorry for your loss. They're hugging them and

things. And, and so most families feel abandoned after

the funeral. Because for maybe a few days after the funeral,

people bring casseroles or they'll make phone calls or

whatever else. But even then the grief support tends to be over

the top cliche. And, and so but after a couple of weeks, all of

it dies off. And that is about the time that the reality is

setting in. And that's when they need you the most. And so a

couple of things I would encourage your listeners with is

something I started about five years ago is a tangible reminder

to stay on the journey with the family. And so I started making

these match boxes, they look like this. And I can get a 10

pack from Walmart for 97 cents. And there's a label on one side

that is a picture of a loved one that had passed away. This lady

passed just a year ago this month. And on the back are some

things that represent the As that she loves. But it's just a

personal tangible reminder, what I do when I get up the end of

the service is I'll say, on behalf of this family, I want to

thank everyone for being here. But I'm going to tell you

something you may or may not know, they don't really know

that you're here today. That's why the funeral home gives them

a book with all of your signatures in it. So they can go

back and say, Oh, wow, I didn't remember her being here. Wow,

they came all the way from Louisiana, or whatever. But they

don't know you're here today, it's in a couple of weeks that

the reality is going to set in the first tsunami of grief is

going to just knock them off their feet. And that's when

you're going to be back to work. So please take one of these

match boxes on, put it in your kitchen junk drawer, because I

know you've got one. Some of you have three. And I want you to

keep it in there. And this is what's going to happen

throughout the year while this family is going through all

these firsts. First birthday, Sunday is Mother's Day. By the

way, if you know anyone who's lost a loved one this year,

remember that this may be their first Mother's Day without mom

without the grandmother, without a son or daughter. But besides

that, every holiday every Thanksgiving, every whatever.

But if throughout the year, you just go to like birthday

candles, or a dinner candle or a fire in the fireplace, or a

barbecue, pit or whatever. Or if you're just going for that pair

of scissors or roll the tape and you roll that junk drawer out.

And you see her looking up at you. You don't need these to

remember her. We're all gonna remember her, or reach out to

her daughter, reach out to her son reach out to her brother to

her husband to whoever in the family. And I want you to say,

remember those matchboxes, the weird bald guy gave us at your

grandmother's funeral. I don't remember his name, we thought

he'd never shut up. But we just use those matches today. And I

just want you to know, we sure miss her. And you have no idea

what that means to get a random phone call out of nowhere to

say, you're not alone. We're on the journey with you. And that's

one of the most important things you can do. Don't tell somebody

just call me if you need anything, they're not going to

do that. Don't call somebody two weeks after death and say How

are you doing? Nobody wants to answer that question. It's not

a, but if you just want to say, you know, nobody made barbecue

ribs like your dad, and I give anything to have some of those

ribs again, I assure missing and I know you do, too. I'm thinking

about you praying for you, or whatever, stay on the journey.

Sorry for the long monologue there.

No, but it's the match book, it's a great thing

because you can light a candle and then pass it on and tell

them you know, God, I thought about your mom, your dad, your

sister, your brother, your friend, your coworker. And this

is what reminded me of that special that is that is really

honouring their memory and their name. So I love it. It's really,

really important. I just, it's really important. So a couple of

the key takeaways that you spoke really quickly. And I and people

will we'll talk about the book in a second. But it's really

important some of that planning. I mean, one of that is a really

important job and important point about making some of those

arrangements and your wishes known. And even for you know,

I'm going through a loss with my mother in law now and there's

just no was no will. Her wishes were not known. And so we're

making assumptions. We're doing what we feel is best and right,

you know, to honour her and then to her memory and also handle

her estate and things like that. So it's very interesting. The

other thing is, is that you're right, you're in the moment and

you're Nam. And it's not until like a few weeks later that

you're you know, you got to get back to work and back to your

life. And that's when you're really trying to process and

heal. So really excellent points. I appreciate that.

Let's, let's talk about your book for a second. Good grief,

celebrate your life. And you've you tell us about how it there

it is you're holding it up beautiful. And available, I'm

sure on Amazon and tell us a little bit about how you got the

book put together. Well,

when this since these five questions began, it's

just a way for me to write a meaningful eulogy for someone I

didn't know. The next application for it took me by

surprise and it happened very organically. I was flying

somewhere. I was unmarried at the time single for about five

years. And so it was everywhere I went I was by myself. And so

if you're sitting next to me on the aeroplane, I am that guy

that is going to talk to you. And before we ever pull away

from the gate and we have already asked you Are you coming

or going are you visiting friends or family? What do you

do? And when they reciprocate and saying okay, this guy's not

going to shut up until I talk to him. Almost everyone that I tell

All that I am a certified celebrant, that's a fancy word

for a guy that speaks at funerals, but it's my passion.

And I love helping people with grief support. Nine out of 10

people, as soon as I tell them that immediately say, Wow, where

were you two years ago, when my mother died, they will tell me

about someone that they'd lost. And the first time that

happened, the thing that naturally fell out of my mouth

was Do you mind if I asked you a few questions about your mother?

And I've never had anybody say, No, I don't want to talk about

her. They brought her up. And so I began asking the five

questions. And this perfect stranger who I didn't know, just

20 minutes ago, is opening up to me about their loved one. And

we're laughing together. And by that fifth question, we're both

crying together. And that's real as genuine. And I get text

messages. Howard, sometimes three hours after we land, from

someone saying, You have no idea how much I needed that. Now I

tell you that story. Because the first time that happened, I

thought, wow, I kind of have something here. I know that I

had these questions for writing a eulogy. But what just happened

back there was so organic and so beautiful, and so meaningful.

Isn't that a much better way? To respond to someone who says I

lost my mother two years ago? Then Oh, sorry for your loss?

How about them cowboys, and I'm going to change the subject,

because I'm suddenly very uncomfortable with your grief.

And I don't want to say anything that might make you cry. Because

you do that, you got nothing. You let them talk about their

loved one. And you've got healing happening. And it's

amazing. And then the more I thought about that, I thought

there's other applications to these questions. And I would

love to tell your listeners about it right now. But I don't

want to spoil it. But that's why it happened to be just about the

the eve of my 51st birthday, it was on Valentine's Day 2020. We

all remember what was happening on February of 2020, we were all

told to shelter in place, and we couldn't go anywhere. And so I

looked down on my little dog and I said, Chewy, I'm gonna write a

book. And he looked back up at me and he said, Okay, and so

since I didn't have anywhere else to go, I was unmarried. And

since I had my dogs permission, I began writing just as fast as

I could think of each chapter. And within about six weeks, I

had the book written. And so I was sharing different chapters,

as I was writing them to people that I knew had lost a loved one

that year. And I just asked, I'd love to get your feedback on

some of this. And one of them was a widow, that had just lost

her husband. And I actually kept her endorsement in the book. And

I won't read it to you right now. But I had other people

telling me after the book was written, I've read books about

grief before, but I've never read anything quite like this.

Because it's not going to sound like a textbook, it's going to

sound exactly like you and I are talking right now. And I wrote

it in the vernacular of a conversation with a reader. In

fact, if you read this book, the books dedicated to you. This the

book is dedicated to the reader and, and in the memory of any

person that you have lost. And so it's dedicated to you and

your loved one. So I had a great time writing the book, my

favourite chapter is about the lessons from a hobbit a grief

dog in a box of matches. And so you've already heard about the

box of matches, you'll just have to read about the Hobbit and The

grief dog.

Yeah, it's a good tease. It's a great tease. Well,

this is really important. I think this is why I brought you

on is that we you know, I've never met a celebrant, I maybe I

have but they were in the form of a pastor or rabbi or a

minister or were just a friend. But I appreciate that this is

important. It's part of life. And we the living need to carry

on, you know, in that memory, so I'm gonna ask you to put on your

sunglasses. Put on your sunglasses, because this is the

shining brightly spotlight, Jason Harris, tell people how

they can get a hold of you. And then leave us with a little bit

of inspiration. And I'll kick it back to me to close out the

show. That

sounds fantastic. And yes, and you won't believe

the domain name that was available to me when I created

my website is called Speaker json.com And my passion I love

to do public speaking I'd love any opportunity to do a keynote

at your any kind of convention or anything like that. So

speaker json.com There's a link in that website that will take

you to the book. The book is also available on Audible as

read by the author. And so you can find it there. And and so,

and then of course, I believe that he's going to show in the

show notes how you can get in touch with me on social media

Facebook link Then, and things like that.

Absolutely. So hit me up with some inspiration to

close out the show.

Well, it's so important, I said, the most

important thing you can do for anybody is just to stay on the

journey. If you ever wondered what to say, when you wrap your

arms around, someone who's lost a loved one is to get close to

their ear and simply say, you're not alone. Don't say anything to

cliches. Don't say anything that starts with at least, and let

them know that you're going to stay with them on the journey.

Because grief is a journey, grief never goes away. It's as

unique as our fingerprints. So you can never say to someone, I

know how you feel. Because you don't, you just need to let them

know that you're there, and that they're not alone. And you're

going to stay with them on the journey. So it's so important to

do that.

I love it. Healing is happening. Thank you, Jason.

So this has been a very informative show. And maybe not

what people expected. But you can check out you know, me at

shining brightly.com I want to give thanks to my publishing

house furnish publishing, also read the spirit.com and the

people from amplify you my podcasts team that makes me

great and look great and sound great every week. So thank you.

And at shining brightly.com You can learn about me as a speaker

me as an author and me as a podcaster. But also more

importantly, my advocacy in the cancer world the

entrepreneurship and mentorship world and in the interfaith

world, which is very, very important to me. So remember, if

you choose to keep shining brightly, just a little bit each

day for yourself first and then go lift up others, the world

will be better place. Jason Harris celebrant thank you for

being there. And I really enjoyed this show. Thank you.

Thank you so much

Thank you. I hope you enjoyed this episode of shining brightly

with me Howard Brown, come interact with me shining

brightly.com And remember to keep on shining