Navigating High-Conflict Divorces & Building Community with Mini Summits: A Conversation with Mardi Winder Adams-Ep.226

Music, welcome to she coaches, coaches. I'm your host, Candy Motzek, and I'm going to help you find the clarity, confidence and courage to become the coach that you are meant to be, if you're a new coach, or if you've always wanted to be a life coach, then this is the place for you. We're going to talk all about mindset and strategies and how to because step by step only works when you have the clarity, courage and confidence to take action. Let's get started. You Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of she coaches, coaches. I am so glad that you're here. I have got a super guest, and I'm going to tell you about her, but just before I go there, I wanted to come back and tell you that as we're recording this, it's close to the end of October, and fall is starting to come, and I'm really noticing this need to, I don't know, look at what you're doing in your business. Look at what you're doing as a coach. Look at your motivations and take a little bit of time and recalibrate. We've got a couple months left in the year, and this is great time for you to be thinking about, hey, what are you doing? What are my plans? Am I doing the things that I want to be doing? And do I need to make any changes? And so I just wanted to start this episode by giving you the permission to give yourself an hour or two to really look at where you're at and do some journaling, do some self inquiry, and think, you know, is there a place that I want to be making a change? Is there a place I want to be moving forward more quickly, or things that I'm ready to release, things that I'm ready to let go of anyway. Just sharing that tip with you before we dive into this interview, let me introduce my guest to you. Her name is Marty winder. Adams. Offers over 30 years of experience helping women navigate the challenges of high conflict and high asset divorces. She's an ICF and BCC, executive and leadership coach. She's credentialed distinguished mediator in Texas, certified divorce transition coach and certified divorce specialist. So many certifications. Marty founded positive communication systems LLC, and she hosts the podcast the D Shift, redefining divorce and beyond and real divorce talks. She speaks and presents at conferences and training events throughout the Canada and the US. She's a very accomplished divorce coach, and the first time I met her and had a conversation, I was just so taken with her warmth and her intelligence and her willingness to share, and that's one of the reasons that I invited her to come and speak to you So Marty, welcome to the show. I'm so glad you're here.

Mardi Winder-Adams: Oh candy, thank you so much. And what a very glowing review. I hope I live up to those. Oh,

I know you will.

Thank you so much.

You just have so many credentials, and every one of them has the word divorce in it somehow. And it's like, it's a lot, like, I never realized how much needed to be learned about that, and how much you must have, what a, you know, a deep bench that you must have in expertise to be able to support women go through these trying times.

Mardi Winder-Adams: Well, I think I do, and I think that there is, you know, there's different types, and there's different styles of coaching, and divorce coaching, which I I gradually increased my practice, I used to work exclusively with women, and I'm slowly starting to move into running a a separate side to my business. It's supporting men. And I think the thing is, is with with divorce coaching, as opposed to life coaching, where the clients have the answers within them a lot of times. Divorce coaching, you know, is helping people navigate the legal system. How do you hire the right attorney? How do you when they tell you they need all your financial documents? What does that mean? So it's a little more hands on in that way, but it's still the basic elements. I never tell the clients what to do. I don't offer legal services, or I'm not a mental health professional. Really stay in that coaching lane and helping people, just even giving them the heads up what to expect. Going through the family court system if they have kids is quite often, or if it's a high conflict situation, it just helps people feel. Way more prepared to handle this, and it is a stressful time in life.

Yeah, I can imagine that the number of clients that you have that they don't have anybody else to talk to in their life that isn't a friend or family member, so who already has a relationship with them, or isn't a lawyer or some other kind of a professional so to have somebody that's in their corner that gives a little bit of guidance, but also guides them to look within for their strongest bit like that's going to be a really, I don't know, a really valuable asset for somebody going through a divorce.

Mardi Winder-Adams: I think it is. And I think the other thing is, a lot of my clients are pretty high achieving individuals I work with. You know, a lot of the women I've worked with in the past, and the men have been executives, C suite, entrepreneurs, highly visible people within their community, whatever that looks like in your community. And divorce can be, it can be pretty toxic. I mean, there can be a lot of dirty laundry that gets aired out in the community, and a lot of people really are uncomfortable about that, as as they should be, right? You don't want your personal, privates information getting, you know, used against you, with your friends, family, neighbors, community members, and so I think having somebody that you can talk to, that you know is confidential, is on your side, but it's also going to be realistic and say, you know, this is part of what happens during divorce. Unfortunately, it can get adversarial. So how do you stay calm? How do you stay present. Where? Where do you find things to be grateful for throughout the day? These are not things that people going through divorce typically think about to help create that balance between dealing with the divorce but still being able to enjoy their life because they're you know, you you can have joy even going through difficult times, you've just got to work out a little harder.

Yeah, and also reframing, reframing your perspective that this is a journey, this isn't my life for forever and ever I imagine. Right thing. And do you find that your clients also like use it as an opportunity to reconnect with themselves, you know, like, what do you want in life? Right? Like, it's easy to forget that

Mardi Winder-Adams: well, and that's not something the legal system does. The legal system doesn't really and your attorney is doing a great job if they're telling you, you know, this is, this is, these are the assets you want, and this is what you want. But they don't ever ask you, what do you want to do? Like, what's your big goal? Because taking the house may look good on paper, but if your goal is to travel most of the year or to be a you know, be on your own and be able to just pack up and move wherever you want to work, then owning a house doesn't make any sense at all. You'd be way better off taking the cash out of it. So having somebody that really asks you those questions, I think it's a freeing experience. And I find a lot of my clients do a big chunk of personal growth and development looking at what, maybe, what were the first signs that there was a problem, maybe even in the dating relationship, before they even got into the marriage and there, then maybe starting to take a look at and I know this from going through my own divorce. None of us. Divorce is never 100% somebody else's fault. There's always, sometimes it's 80% one person's fault and and I do want to throw out their candy in cases where somebody is in an abusive situation. I'm not talking about that, but for most people who are not in that that type of abuse situation, there are little things that both people could have done differently that may have created a better relationship. And just being able to look back and reflect on those and then choose what you want to change, or choose what you want to keep

right? Oh, gosh, it's really empowering. And so, I mean, this is super interesting, and there's another topic that we want to dive into on this call. But I really like how you had a good chunk of explaining, like, what is divorce coaching? How might it be a little bit different from life coaching, and how it can add value to somebody, because people listen to these calls, and maybe there's somebody that is in that situation where they're like, oh my gosh, I never knew that such a thing existed as a divorce coach. The other reason I love to have you on here is that so often a newer coach. And many of the listeners are newer coaches. They're thinking, oh, gosh, I don't know what my niche should be. And I think that it's interesting to see a whole variety of types of niches and how you've taken some of your prior experience and. And used a lot of that and leveraged that and then added more training and skills and experience on top of it, but to actually have used something from your own life to create your niche in a way that really works. And so I just, I really appreciate you sharing about that. Anything else before we sort of shift topics other

Mardi Winder-Adams: than, I think that the beauty of coaching is that there is a person that needs your help, no matter what kind of a coach you are, and there's there is somebody out there who is looking for you and your message will resonate your history, your approach, your dynamic, whatever it is is going to appeal to an audience. And don't let people tell you that, oh, you can't, you know, you can't do this. When I started doing this in the early around 2015 there was no official divorce coach recognition. Now there is the American Bar Association recognizes divorce coaches. So it's gaining in validity and recognition. But I know coaches that do all kinds of unique, little niche areas. I have a friend who does, she does for for people who are learning how to do crafts, she does a crafts coaching. And so she gets everybody in. They talk about different kinds of crafts. They try out new things. You can do, whatever you want to do. That's the beauty of the coaching world,

yeah, and I love that. There's that abundance mindset, right? So often people go, Oh, I would like to do this, but there's not there. Nobody would want it and just know that. I mean, there's 8 billion people on the planet now, considering that there's 8 billion people, then there's got to be 2030, 100 people that want exactly your you know, exactly your experience, exactly your niche. And so I think that that's really great. Cool. All right. So now the next thing that I wanted to talk to you about is this, you have a really interesting way of growing your community, growing your network, and then from that, growing your email list and growing your clientele, it's a different approach than I've ever spoken about on this show, and I just loved it when I talked to you about it. I want to do this at some point as well, but it's about doing mini summits. And so could you just give me, like a little hint for the listeners, like, what is it? What is it that you're doing here?

Mardi Winder-Adams: So I think most of us, thanks to 2020, and COVID, if there's any good thing that came out of COVID, we got really comfortable with being online and hearing from experts and summits became a huge thing. I mean, they were big before, but they became huge through the pandemic. And what I found after sitting through honest badly hours and hours like, I think my butt got square there for a while because I'm sitting on the chair so much, and I just started thinking, you know, there's only so much that the human mind can absorb for the brain, and then all of a sudden it's just mental noise, right? I'm not really taking in. So I talked to the team that I work with, and I said, I want to do a summit. I want to highlight experts. I want to bring divorce information to people in a really accessible way. I don't want to do a big, huge Summit. I do like big, huge summits, and I'm doing one in April, but I want to do something that's repeatable, that's that's just bite sized. So that's where the idea of a mini summit came up. So it's three speak. It originally started as two speakers over three nights for half an hour each. So it would be one hour each night, for three nights. And I did that every quarter, and ran through that one year, and people said, No, we don't want to do three nights. We want to do two nights, and we wanted an hour and a half. So that's the format I use now. It's two nights. It's always a Tuesday, Wednesday, once a quarter, and I have six experts come on and speak about divorce.

This is really great, because you're building that network with those other experts who are, you know, they're not a duplicate of what you do, but they're complimentary, right? So you and six other experts pooling together. So just in getting people together to talk about different aspects about your topic, there's huge value in that you probably learn from these other experts. They learn from you. You get to create friendships and really great collaborations with them. But the added thing is that they invite their people to come to the summit. You invite. Your people, and so a group of seven individuals just gets so many more people able to see your message so easily, right? Like, that's to me, it's like, you pull this group together, and it's a little bit of magic. Frankly, you know, it's

Mardi Winder-Adams: really cool, because, you know, and when you said they don't always like they're not competing with me for the for the people that are listening. Honestly, I am a strong believer in a rising tide lifts all boats, and I have divorce coaches, come on and do presentations. And you know what? There are some people that are listening that are going to go, Oh my gosh, I want to work with that divorce coach. But there's going to be people that are going to say, I want to work with Marty. And when people select you, you don't have to sell them, that's what I you don't have to sell them anything, because they are going to say, I want to work with you. And I think that that is one thing I found in most coaching communities, is that people want to support each other, and I don't often see that there's not as much. Yes, there's competition, sure, but I do think that even having people on that do the same thing as you do in these mini summits only makes you look like you're offering a greater realm for your people and and they'll they'll follow you, they'll stick with you. They'll jump on your email list. They'll grab your free giveaways. And then your guests look great. You look great, and your community grows.

Yeah, I love this. So if you know, if somebody's listening to this and they say, wait a minute, now, that's actually something manageable that I could do. How do you how do you start like? You start with the like. That's a pretty cool idea. I wonder where I would start. What would you suggest? The

Mardi Winder-Adams: first thing, I think, is to have that network, or that group of experts that you can talk to. So they don't have to be big name experts, but they need to have, they need to be quality guests, so that they can speak effectively, so that they can share information that's meaningful to the clients, or to the to the clients, to the people that are listening on the call. Sorry, all day, so I'm stuck in client smoke. I get it, but it's been a long day. Definitely, quality of the presenters, I think, is the first thing. And so spending time getting to know these people, you might meet them at a coaching, networking thing, or maybe you meet them through a professional organization, or maybe you get referred somehow spending some time having a few conversations. Nothing wrong with kind of sneaking around, not even sneaking around, but make sure that you look at their website, follow them on social media, find out what kind of quality of posts and what kind of interactions they have, and then just have that conversation. And I just talked to the first group of people and said, This is what I'd like to do. What do you think, and would you be on board? And I was expecting nobody to respond when I sent out the email. And it was amazing. All six of the people I sent to, all six of them sent it back and said, I'm in so that was that was amazing for me, because I, you know, I'd never done anything and honest candy. I just did it on zoom by myself, um, you know, I, I knew how to set up, like a, you know, a registration page on my on my website and all that. That's just a basic registration page, create some swipe copy and some graphics, and then just, you know, it's not a huge thing, like a big summit where you've got, you know, three tracks and 25 speakers each day. It's nothing like that. It's just three people coming on a call with you, and they're on one at a time. And you just, you know, spotlight them on, spotlight them off record it and there you go. It's done.

Each of them would come on with a topic that they're an expert in. They're going to come and they're going to talk about their topic, and then you're probably going to ask them a few questions. And then I think you said that the people who were listening live could also ask questions.

Mardi Winder-Adams: Yes, we evolved the format. Originally, people had the guests had the opportunity to either do a presentation or do like a like an interview style, like we're doing right now. And what I found out the feedback from the attendees was that they love the presentation style, where they could really hear an expert talk about divorce, finances or or healing after betrayal, or whatever it may whatever the topic was, they really like the idea of that mini presentation. So the guests are now asked to do a 20 minute presentation. Doesn't have to be fancy. Most of them don't have PowerPoints. It's just them talking. Talking, but it's a live audience, so you know, you can see everybody on the Zoom boxes, and then, so they take about a 20 minute presentation that leaves about five, six minutes afterwards, and the guests, the attendees are welcome to ask the guests questions, and it's interesting. Different groups, some will jump on the mic and ask questions some type in the chat, and as the host, I kind of moderate that chat box and make sure questions get asked. But it's, it's a very nice safe space. I do turn off the recording during the questions so that nobody has to be concerned because we're talking about sometimes potentially sensitive topics. I mean, if you're doing a podcast on, maybe on general life coaching or business or something, maybe you wouldn't even have to worry about that, but it's just such a nice, comfortable experience that that's one of the biggest comments that comes out of it. It's, we don't get 1000s of people attending. There'll be between, you know, sometimes between 20 to say, 40. Sometimes there's only as many as five or six. But the feedback I get from those people saying, Thank you for this opportunity. There's no cost. It's a free event, of course, and the the attendees just seem so appreciative of having an expert sit down and speak with them, that it's, I mean, it, it's what keeps me doing it, the feedback I'm getting.

I just love it. And and it sounds to me like the first time you do it started with, like, the minimum amount of amount of organization that you can and so, you know, I hear, I heard you really loud with this, okay, come up with the idea and find quality guests, people that you would be really proud to share with your clients, and then set up something easy, You know, two interviews a day, 30 minutes only, and you invite your people. They invite their people. You could write one email that's for the newer coaches. That's what swipe copy is. It's an email that then each of the participants sends to their audience. They personalize it a little bit for themselves, but that gives you an email to send to the people that you know, to invite them to come. Then those people register. They show up live. Your guest comes on, gives a small presentation and takes some questions and answers, and it's such a community builder. That's the thing that I'm hearing like, you know, on so many coaches, they are, they love their work, and they're working hard, and they love their clients, but they can feel a little bit lonely, but this is a quarterly event where you can get together with people who love the same kind of clients that you Love, right,

Mardi Winder-Adams: right? Yeah, and, and that's the power in it. As the host, if you, if you're running this as the host, you will control the eat or you will get the emails for everybody that registers that will go on your list. So one of the nice things to do as a follow up, I always do as a thank you letter to everybody that attended, and you know, if there are any questions or or if the guests have promised additional information, I make sure that's all included in the email. I do want to say that I ask all my guests to give something to the audience, and then that allows them to capture emails as well. So it's a win, win situation. And it just, it's, it really does become this sense of people supporting the attendees. And I think that is the difference. Nobody's trying to sell them something or, you know, it doesn't come off as all glitzy. It's just really authentic people in their in your area, whatever that may be, that really want to provide insight and information for the people in attendance. Yeah,

and this thing that you said, I mean, not that there's anything wrong with sales. That's how we pay our bills. No. Sales are fine. However, this idea that I've been to a number of the, you know, higher end summits, where it's really the presentations are just sales pitches, essentially, as opposed to presentation, a helpful presentation that then is really a gift to the attendee, right, right, and a chance to a chance to connect with them and to give them the opportunity to go, oh gosh, I that person's really interesting. I'm going to find out more about them. So it's a real that real generous give and take of reciprocity. You know, the experts there, they give a little bit. It's not a huge commitment on the experts part either. A 20 minute Press. Presentation and a few minutes of Q and A but you've really, you've really made an impact with somebody, and you've made an impact with the other people, the other experts that you're part of, right, right? I can imagine, sorry, I just, I'm curious. I haven't asked you this. I bet the experts that came once want to come back, like, I've got Yeah, experts, right? Like, people love this, yeah,

Mardi Winder-Adams: and so and so. There's so many spin offs from this, too candy. So I have a podcast. One of the things is to get on my real divorce talks. I've reached the the tipping point where I now I got, like, I think, 150 episodes out. So basically, I use my podcast as sort of a screening tool for people that are going to go on the live talk. Because I know they're, you know, they they're experts. They know what they're talking about. They're, they're willing to promote. They're, you know, they're very professional, and they come across really, you know, they're just authentic, and they really care about what they do. So I'm I'm able to use that, and then I'm doing a spin off next about this, but I'm going to do something that's going to be like a just once a month, and it's going to be one hour, and it's going to be like, highlight the divorce, a spotlight on the divorce expert. And so those will be people that want to come and do a longer presentation and a more interactive time with me, and so I sort of see it as a progression as people move through and that's so powerful as a coach to offer your audience, I think your your group, Your tribe, your email list, because you can refine what topics, and you can refine what responses you're getting, and then that helps you provide what your people want from you, and that's what when people want. I believe, when people look for a coach, they want somebody that understands what they need, and when you can provide those experts for them, you just, I think you look good, and your experts look really good.

Yeah, I totally agree. And then there's the piece where you're providing what the dream client really wants, but you don't have to provide all of it. You get to be, you know, sort of stay in your lane, your you know, your zone of genius, as it were, and those other individuals can do the same. And yet you all come together to really support the client. So let's just, I just want to kind of think about this is there. I think we've given the the listeners enough to go, Okay, this is an interesting idea that I could do. I know where to start. I have a few ideas about how I might go about doing something like that myself. Do you have any other tips for them, something that you you know? You think, oh, gosh, we should have, we should have explained that one thing so that somebody's got a little bit more information, or just that question they didn't know that they had,

Mardi Winder-Adams: I think, go with the format and the style that you feel comfortable with. So for me, I'm really comfortable with the zoom thing, because this is where I do my podcast, and you know, I'm just really comfortable with that. But I could also see this being done as a Facebook Live event, or LinkedIn live or, you know, what, if you have, I know there's a whole bunch of different recording systems people use different, you know, stream yard, and there's a whole bunch of different things, whatever you feel comfortable using do it, try it and see if it works. And start like you say, start with the most streamlined way and the simplest format that you can do. And if, if it doesn't feel right to you to have two, three, have two, maybe just have one, and see how it goes, and then keep building on it as you start getting a following. And as a matter of fact, so I've been doing, I think this is the eighth one I've done that's coming up in November. And one of the things that I found this time is at about the middle of October, I had people on my email list starting to email me and say, Are you having another real divorce talks before the end of the year? Wow. And so I said, you know, I was able to say, yes, we are. And here's the dates. So that was nice. That's but, but really, we've done it for two years, and now I'm just starting to kind of see that kind of a response. So it takes a while. It's like anything, it takes a while to get going.

Yes, but like, what a great, I don't know, what a great testament to what you're doing, that people are emailing you and asking if there's going to be another one coming. Like that really has a strong message. So I. I can't think of any unasked questions to me, the purpose of this is to build your network. Is to do it in a way where everybody gets a win. All the experts get a win. You get a win because you're getting to meet more people. You're also getting to expand your email list and the people that you, you know, may be interested in working with you, you're also supporting the others. So it's a great win, win in that way, your suggestion do the tech that is the easiest for you, the one that you know how to work, and just start and then start with the most streamlined and then see how it goes. But don't just do one. That's my thing. Don't just do one and go, Oh, that was hard, of course, the first one is hard, right? Like, listen to what Marty said. She's been doing this for two years. She's on her eighth now, right? So it just sounds like such a great approach and something that any coach who says this is a way that I could market and in a really wholehearted way, I think there's really something powerful there, yeah,

Mardi Winder-Adams: and I love what you said, because everybody wins. You win as the host, the guests win. And more importantly, the people that come are going to win, because they're going to get valuable in inside information, and those, those gifts that the guests offer. I mean, that's, that's great, and it's just, it's just that hour and a half of their time. It's not the whole day. That's the other minute, yeah,

not the whole day where you're sitting there for the whole day, not, I've been to whole day events, and some of them are wonderful, but they can also be tiring. And like you said, you get to this place where your brain's fault, you can't hear anymore. And so there you go. Right, all right, I think we've covered it. Thank you so much for joining me today, first to share about being a divorce coach and all the complexity and the joy of doing that, and also about this idea of building a community and using a mini summit as a way to build your clientele and build your network and build your business. It's really been a pleasure. Thank you so much. Before we finish, could you share how people can get in touch with you, and I know you've got a free gift that you can tell us about too. Yeah, so

Mardi Winder-Adams: I know a lot of your coaches are kind of new getting started, and so having that resilience to deal with all this challenges of getting a business going, it's, I think, is helpful. So I have what I call it, my resilience building blueprint. And what it is, it's actually a journal that goes for 28 days, that gives you an activity to do in during the day, and then a question to reflect on how that activity made you feel, what awareness did it bring about? So it's a 28 day journaling exercise. You don't have to do it all 28 days. You can, you know, do it every other day, or whatever you want to do. So that's that's the gift. And if people want to reach out to me, the best way is my email. It's Marty, M, a, r, d, I, at, P, O, S, C, s.com, or they can reach me on my website, at divorce coach for women.com, and that's the number four.

Great. Oh, thank you, Marty. Okay, everyone, this was a great episode, and I hope that you're feeling as inspired as I am about this idea of doing a mini Summit. And then for those of you who are still thinking about what your niche should be, listen to how Marty developed her niche and how she went all in on it, even before it was like a known thing and how the industry has evolved to incorporate this too. Thank you so much for joining me, and I hope you have a wonderful week. I'll be back to talk to you again next week. Thanks again for listening today. Please hop on over to Apple podcasts and leave a review. Also, I would love to hear from you did something that I say resonate. What else would you like to learn about? Click the link in the player and leave a comment on the post. This is going to give me great ideas for future episodes, so I can help you best. Join me again next week from our coaching support and teaching to help you become the confident coach you are meant to be. You.