Healing, Thriving and Living Life Despite Sexual Trauma | Jeanette Pizarro-Harpe

Hi there, everyone. It's Deana and I'm here with another guest today, and I'm hope you are enjoying our events for the sable life challenge. And I'm here with Jeanette Pizarro-Harpe, and we are going to talk about the subject of military sexual trauma. So Jeanette, I'm gonna let you introduce yourself in that subject a little more in detail.

Well, thank you. Thank you, Deana, for having me. Well, I served in the Marine Corps for a little over six years. And unfortunately, while I served active duty, I experienced military sexual assault and harassment. And for many years, I was ashamed of it. So I didn't want to talk about it. But recently, I've been seeing on the news how this is happening even more. And it really saddens me. So it pushed me to decide that it's important to talk about. And so that's why now I decided to come out and speak and use my voice and, you know, let everyone know, um, I think it's important for people to understand what exactly military sexual trauma is. And so people need to know that it's a forced or coerced sexual encounters. It is also repeated sexual advances. It's inappropriate sexual jokes. And it's also rape. And so that that kind of is what we want to talk about today.

Yeah. I think what maybe where we could start doing that is what we were saying about the difference between civilian life and military life and how how there's a difference in this arena.

Right? Okay. Statistically, I found in my research that, unfortunately, this happens for the Department of Veterans Affairs is now collecting data. And so when we are discharged, the ones that do go into the VA, that there are questionnaires that they ask, and they're right now they're saying that one in four women have experienced some form of sexual trauma that will include harassment, assault, and, and so that's a sad statistic, there is a significant difference between women that experience sexual assault in civilian life, and women that experience it in the military. And it's not to diminish civilian experience at all. But unfortunately, when you're in the military, you sometimes and often are living in a confined space, and it becomes a tight knit community, and where everyone lives and works together, and you will see and encounter these people on a regular basis, daily. And so when when it happens to a woman in the military, it becomes even worse, because often the person the assailant is the person that is either her superior, or someone that she works with. And so it's a repeated offense to a woman, because we have to see this person every day. And you have a fear of reporting it because a lot of times, you know, in the military, we have this thing where you're supposed to protect, you know, your your troops. And so, if you speak up about someone, you're the bad guy. And it doesn't really matter what the subject is that you're speaking up about, you end up it ends up being turned on you. And so women have to deal with that because it's not even about the sexual assault. That won't be the focus is the focus of that you have betrayed the trust of the unit. And so all those things are indoctrinated into our minds. So when we experience sexual sexual assault or harassment, all these things play in our mind, because we don't want to look a certain way or we don't want to be have people whispering about her. She's the one who told on him. And he was such a nice guy. Because they didn't they they didn't experience it. And then especially when it's a person that is your superior, you have to report to this person and this person is the one who has done this harm to you. So that's the sad part and the end A big difference between a civilian experience and in the military one?

Sure. I'm sure there's instances. I don't know the data on this subject, but I'm sure there's instances where there are people in even corporate positions who are dealing with similar things with a superior. I mean, it's, I think it's still still different, because you're not living together. And you're not, you know, expected to have each other's back on a level that you you have in the military, but I'm sure there's there's other you know, other situations, even civilians that are a little different. So, the other thing I wanted to ask you, and I didn't prep you for this question, so I don't know if it's something you would know. But do you know, any statistics about men in the military? That

actually, yes, they I did. It's said that 1.5% of male service members have experienced unwanted sexual contact in some way. So um, yeah, I did research that as well. So it happens to men. But I think the issue is where the statistics are, I don't think, in my opinion, I don't believe they are as accurate. Because, you know, when it happens to a man men are not more inclined to speak. It's a hard thing for a woman. Yes. But um, you know, especially in the military, you're supposed to be this manly man, and, you know, carrying a gun and protecting the, the America, and then you go until that this happens to you. So it's a lot of things that men go through. So there aren't many men that will speak up. So even with that 1.5% Of all the military, that's a lot. It is. And and of that it's the most is the in the Navy. The statistics that I found. It's the it's a from a, an article from the Pentagon. And it says that it's the Navy has the highest rate and the Marine Corps. Well, I take that back. It's the Marine Corps, who has the highest rate of reports, and the Navy is close in second.

Okay. Yeah. And I mean, the Marine Corps is part of the Navy. So exactly over anyone who doesn't know that. Right. I wonder if, you know, is, is there anything being done or that has changed over the years in the military about having conversations about this, or? or ways to report it confidentially? Or are there rules around those kinds of things that are taking steps to do something about this? Or what do you see?

I know, from my experience, it was very difficult because you're supposed to follow the chain of command. And now so how do you deal with that when the person who has assaulted you is part of your chain of command. And even when there are rules, when you are going up the chain of command, that if you don't want to speak to your direct superior about it, you still have to tell them what it is, even if it's you want to jump that person, you still have to report it to them. So it becomes a difficult thing. So for me, it was it was those thoughts in my head? In current times there, they pass the bill with what Vanessa Gouldian Galeon they pass a bill and where when there's an investigation done, the chain of command is no longer in play. So it can be reported directly they have they're supposed to have a sexual harassment and sexual assault report number that you can call directly to and make these reports and you don't have to go through your chain of command. how effective that is. I don't know. Because I you know, I got out of the Marine Corps What 1997 So that's a lot of you. But, um, but um, they're trying to make change. But at times, I believe that it's not enough, because they do do these talks where they tell them you're not supposed to do this. You're not supposed to talk to this girl this way. Are you not supposed to OGL you're not supposed to, you know, the list, you know, but they don't foster the Have confidence in women knowing that if they feel a certain way they can speak up because it battle, it goes against everything they teach us, as you know, being a military member, it goes against it. So I think it's very difficult. Maybe, I don't know, maybe the solution could be doing a better thorough psychological evaluation of the people that answer the military. I mean, they do it in the police department. So why not do it with the military, and then maybe they can find the people that are more inclined to do these types of things before it happens.

Yeah, and I want to mention something just to anybody who's watching this video, because I know, from talking with Jeanette and reading some things she's written, how she respects the Marines and how she's proud of her service, and how we all find Megan so much, you know, how we all appreciate our military and their service. And this is by no means trying to be negative about any of that, but we will not at all, we're here to talk about how it affects you as a person, and what you've gone through and how you've overcome and how you have found healthy coping mechanisms or a road, you know, to a better place, right, because of all of this. And that's really the heart of what we're talking about here. And so I know, you know, Jeanette has a new book out, I might be out for a bit you have to when it came out,

it came out on October 1 of this year.

And so I want you to tell everybody about your book and why you wrote it and and what it's about, and what can what they can learn from it. I can't speak today.

Well, my book is called Camouflage Shame, the path to redemption after military sexual trauma. And the book is, well, the reason why I wrote the book was, this was a book that was in my head for years. And I wanted to write it, but I had all these fears and these doubts, and you know, you do all this what ifs in your head of Oh, my goodness, if I talk about this, then what is this? And what is that, and the shame of it all, and, and I went to therapy for many years. And by the grace of God, my most recent therapist, Dr. Jimenez, she really gave me the tools to help compartmentalize and be able to speak about it, and not let it consume me. Because it, it became a job to, you know, go through life, and process it. And every day, everything was a reminder, a smell, a sight, a sound, a song, you know, it was crazy. But when I decided about four years ago, I was like, You know what, I'm gonna write this book. Before. I'm too old to remember, gonna write this book. And I've always been a writer. And so I had journals. So that kind of helped put some things together, because in the journals is where I got the the emotion that I felt that that time because I've pushed that, and process through that. So I don't have you know, from that time, I process through it. So I don't feel as intense. And in writing the book, I want people to understand that is something that happens, and then we have to live with it every day, it becomes a part of who we are. But it doesn't have to be so overpowering that it stops you from living. And so in the book, I talk about what happened. And where I wanted to focus more on is one, I wanted to speak on some of the things that made me specifically more, I believe, more susceptible to this, because of my upbringing. And, and sadly, you know, my upbringing, I think contributed to me being more susceptible because I endured certain things growing up and my own traumas and they weren't sexually related, but it was just about, you know, my self esteem and not feeling empowered as a woman. And so I wanted to talk about that and I did in the book. And then I wanted to show that you can overcome it. And, yes, it's a part of who you are, but it isn't who you are, because you're a sum of all these parts. And you don't have to allow that to be all of who you are, it doesn't define you. And it made me stronger. Raising my boys, I was one parent, because I have a 29 year old and a 28 year old. And the parent that I was with them is a whole lot different than the parent I am with my daughter, and looking at her, gave me more strength to write the book. And I wanted to share it with other women. So that in the hopes that if they read my book, if she's thinking about getting help, she can see, oh, wow, she's been through a lot of stuff, and she's made it through, maybe I can, too. And maybe some of the things that I talked about, and the different types of therapies that I went through the ones that work, the ones that didn't work, because I put them all in there, they can help somebody else, you know, what helped me doesn't necessarily mean that it helped someone else. But it doesn't hurt to try. And I just wanted to talk about it, I believe the more you talk about the things that are done in the dark, the more it's brought to the light, and it takes away its power. And that is the biggest thing for that if it just helps one individual, I'll be happy.

That is That is very true. It is those things that are secret and in the dark. And they're the things that eat away at us, and keep us in that shame and guilt pattern, and not able to process it and get it out of our head and out of our body as stress. And it affects us in so much bigger ways than we understand. And if we can talk about it, process it, like, figure out what our favorite healthy coping mechanisms are. It really does change your life. And I think, you know, being silent about my own suicide attempt for 23 years, was a constant shame and guilt cycle. And a constant, like, people who know me won't understand or they'll judge me or it'll hurt my business or you know, all of those thoughts. And I think it's the what you're saying is so true. Because once I finally had this, the opportunity and the time and the will to talk about it, journal about it, go to therapy, get the help, I needed to at least process it enough to where I could talk about it without crying. Right, then it's like you said, it's compartmentalized. And it's a whole different situation. And you can use that to help other people, which is the whole reason I even have this nonprofit. But I'm really glad that people are getting to hear your story, because it's something that I'm sure is not talked about, like you said even more in the military. And it's something that we need to we need to talk about, even if we're not out there lobbying for some change, where we're helping ourselves heal. And I think it's really, really important. The other thing I want to say is, it's it, what you said about your book really goes along with the same thing about our scars, the stars books, and the people who tell their stories there are saying, you know, it's you think, Oh, yes, I'm gonna write my story to help other people. But writing your story helps you so much. You don't realize it until you do it. But it will. And at the end of the event today, we're going to talk about how you can apply to, to tell your story and one of our books and Janette and I have talked about her doing it when so with that, if that can come to fruition, but I think it's a it's also a good experience, because we do it as a group. And it's a kind of a course that we go through together. And we have weekly calls and we get to get to build this support system around ourselves with these people and we have a bond forever because we've been in this book together. Cool. But I want to ask if you have like since you've put your book out, like have you gotten a lot of feedback have you have you talked to people that maybe you wouldn't have met otherwise? Like what does that look like?

Yes, um, I I have it has humbled me because I wrote this little book about me and you know, I'm not you know, some sort or star basketball player or movie star. I'm just a regular person. And I didn't think this quickly that I would get some of the responses that I've gotten. I've even had a family member, send me a message and apologize to me for not seeing the signs of the things that I suffered as a child. And, you know, it wasn't that family members fault. I don't blame them. Because as a child, I learned to camouflage my pain. And so I learned from a young age to hide it, and not tell her so I didn't want anyone to, to feel responsible. I just wanted to get my story told, I want my voice to be heard. And I have met some other female veterans. One in particular, she contacted me and told me that it felt like she was reading her life. And thanked me for writing the book. And it just gives me goosebumps, because that's all I wanted is to give someone hope. Because it's not going to make what happened go away. It never goes away. Who, um, it doesn't. But you can thrive. And you can be happy in your life. And you can have a functional loving relationship with the people around you. And you can live and you can get your joy back. And, and I'm seeing that there's people that are reaching out to me and telling me that even one of my siblings was, she called and said, all she could say was, Wow, I'm the oldest, and I have seven siblings. And she, my sister, she just said, All I can say is wow, because I didn't speak about this, I I kind of let them know that something happened to me. But I never was really specific. I didn't. So them reading the book is getting the insight to my mind of oh my god, this is what really happened to her. They kind of knew, but not really, you know? And so yeah, I just hope that, you know, it helps. That's the only thing that I want from it is to help women know that there is hope. You can you can

I know, I can never get through these events without crying. No, I think it's but it's good tears. Because, you know, like I said, like we that the writing process helps us and then it helps others. And it's like, it's really a full circle approach in my mind to healing. And I mean, almost everybody who's written in one of our books, as has said that, and our videos are on YouTube, so you can watch it.

Yeah, it was, it was very healing. For me, the process was long and hard. And I had to do a lot of self reflection in writing the book, because there are things about me that I'm not proud of either. Um, but if I'm going to be truthful and honest and raw about what others did to me, from my perspective, I had to be honest and truthful about the role I played in everything. And so the good and the bad, and I just put it on the page. I just let it be what it is so that my truth can be told.

Yes. I'm very glad that you did. And I think it is it is really hard. And then once it's out there, it's kind of like well, I did this hard thing. And I was super vulnerable and I, you know, show my authenticity and now it's out in the world and there's nothing I can do about it. So now it's like, Okay, let's see what comes of it and who I help and, and what, you know, once you do that, it's really, you know, it's out there. So I'm really glad that you did and what I haven't finished the book yet, but whatever. It has been really incredible. So I hope people will, will read it. And I would like to put your website up here. It's your name, so you can help people. What when they go to this website, what do they find?

Well, um, it talks about who I am. And it also gives them excerpts of the book. And then you have, oh, there's links to purchasing the book if you are interested in purchasing the book. And you can also write, post, because I also blog on there, I started blogging, about different issues, I also give resources, I post some resources for anyone, man or woman, military related veteran resources from organizations that help. And locally, there's a lot of good organizations. And I'm so grateful for some of these organizations that helped me along the way to get to where I am right now. And I just wanted to share, like this information is not just easily accessible. And I know it worked for me. And so I just want to pay it forward and share it with others so that then perhaps it'll lead them on their path to healing.

Mm hmm. That's true. I think it's, it's always like, there's so much information out there, right. Like, if you know what you're looking for, sometimes it's easy to find, but also you don't know what you don't know about what's, what resources are available. And we've we've a resource page on our website, too, with, with some partner organizations we've worked with, and then, you know, we would love to find a way or have you just, you know, people can post things on our public Facebook page for the realized Foundation, or LinkedIn or Instagram. So if anybody is hearing us, and they have resources for anything, you're welcome to post them on our sight. And, you know, our mission is to reduce suicide rates through conversations, community and personal story. So our focus is these virtual events where people can connect. And our other mission is our books that we publish with people story. So those are our main avenues of getting the community together and helping people tell their story. And, you know, getting it out there. So, like, for me being silent for 23 years, and you being silent for so long, if we could have picked up a book and read that someone else had gone through something similar, we probably wouldn't have reached out to that person. But we weren't ready to tell the world. So that is kind of the the point of your book, and our books is like, have someone pick it up, read it understand, hey, this person might could help me or mentor me or have a conversation with me, you know, one of those things. So thank you so much for being here and for having this conversation with me,

Thank you for having me, I think is really important, because like you said about suicide. Suicide rates is also another statistics that that's really high among the men and women that have been sexually assaulted in the military. So it's an epidemic. And we need to do something and speak up. So I really, really am blessed to have met you during this process. And I appreciate you.

Well, I feel the same. And I want to thank our friend Pam that introduced right. Thank you has been involved in some of our events in the past to when she's, I haven't met payment person, but she lives somewhere I used to live and she goes to the church I used to go to and that's kind of how we how we met online. But I think it's it is really important. veteran suicide in general is such a problem. And we have a couple organizations we've been working with, on some level, and we would be happy to do more. We've talked about doing so many different things in the veteran world. So if anybody's listening to this, and they have an idea, or they want to reach out to me, please do so. Our website is realizedfoundation.org. And I'm sure you'll see that everywhere in our in our stuff if you're here at our event. We also have a YouTube channel with lots of interviews and stuff like that. So you can you can watch our events and our book launches and all that. But thank you so much for being here tonight. And I hope to see you at the event. See you in the chat. And I think we'll have many more conversations.

I'm sure we will.

Thank you so much.