Changing How Military Families Heal | Heather Ehle

Deana Brown Mitchell: Welcome, everybody. Thank you for joining us today for this important topic, please let us know in the chat where you're joining from. My name is Deana Mitchell, and I am the founder and executive director of The Realize Foundation. Our mission is to reduce suicide statistics across humanity. In October 2020, we launched the save a life challenge, which is all about having the conversation. Our theory is instead of targeting only the human struggling with ideation, that we spread awareness and education to all humans, so when the person struggling is ready to have the conversation, there are people around them that will understand how to listen and how to be supportive. In turn, we stop the stigma. And this will cause people to get help they when they need it, and ultimately reduce the suicide statistics. You can learn more on our website at realize foundation.org Or you can just search for hashtag save a life challenge. This month of May 2021. We are focused on the veteran community, we are aware how dire the situation is for veterans, and that it has been for some time. Today I am talking with Heather Ehle. She is the founder and CEO of project sanctuary. So Heather, thank you so much. I'm excited to have you back. I know some people may have seen our art panel discussion from December. But I just wanted to get you to tell us a little bit more about yourself and your organization. And why you do what you do.

Well, my name is Heather. And as a registered nurse, I recognize that military families that will family wasn't getting the support and services that they need it. And after several conversations with veterans and my community, we launched a nonprofit project sanctuary that focuses on mental health and healing for the entire military family may also have mental health awareness month. So this is perfect timing. We run six state therapeutic retreats with licensed counselors, social workers, rec therapist, and then we have wraparound services in case management to support these families on their continuing journey toward post traumatic growth.

Deana Brown Mitchell: Amazing, and so glad that I met you years back that I think that work you do is so important. And so I've witnessed firsthand the transformations that happen and it's incredible. So I want to ask you about a specific situation that we talked about a little bit in our makeup in our December conversation. And that is the transfer of pain from the person who has ideation and the situation around that that you told us about. So I would love for you to tell that story.

Okay. Yeah. So veterans obviously are at increased risk for suicide, also their spouses and children's as well. But within the veteran, there's so many different causes and reasons and post traumatic stress and TDI and alcohol and drugs sometimes play a part in that. We had a wonderful family that drove across country, with their boys to attend a retreat, and we got really close with them. Now we continue to support this family after they went home. And it just didn't matter what we did. There was just not enough relief. And the veteran ultimately took his lie, which is devastating. Bonnie called me and she said we lost Brian. And it was a collective loss. We know that he just wanted his pain to end. But I don't think that he recognized the ripple effect and what that would do fact that Bonnie couldn't make coffee in the morning, because that was their routine. All right, she literally could not wake up and didn't know how to start her day. She's very vocal and verbal about the pain didn't end it was just transferred to herself and her boys. They couldn't live in the house anymore. She had to leave. They packed up they moved across the country. Her sons have struggled with suicide ideation themselves. kiddos that have lost a parent are at increased risk. It sort of sets a precedent that this is an option with it very sad. On he didn't know how to function. For a long time she's been walking slang and greets therapy to learn how to parent again because she feels like half of her died with him, which is not fair to herself for the kids. So when Bonnie tells her stories to other veterans they recognize Oh, I didn't even consider The ripple effect and the devastation and that I would be sharing the pain. It wouldn't just stop with me on automating it speaking out and telling her story

Deana Brown Mitchell: That's amazing. Yeah, it's hard to know what to say, after hearing for the second time, but I think that I have so many people that I talked to on a regular basis that have experienced similar things. And, you know, they, they don't understand why they don't understand what they could have done different. You know, and it's a lot of self doubt, and blame and shame, and all those things. And so I do want to take this opportunity to also tell our audience that in July, we're going to be focusing on family and youth suicide prevention, because I feel like the past year that has become much more prevalent than it has been in the past. So I wouldn't take that opportunity. But I would love to, I mean, if, if Bonnie is interested in, in talking to our audience, I would love to have her on as well. What I want to also ask you a question about resources. And I know that the retreats you put on and the resources you give to military families are unbelievably, unbelievably amazing. I don't know, I can't talk today. But I'm wondering if there are resources, specifically around suicide prevention, and if there is something that you could benefit from having that we could help provide, what that might be.

So I applaud you in making the conversation, a normal everyday conversation, because whether it's with veterans or a military spouse, or a military kiddo, or your next door neighbor, or a teacher or someone at the store, making sure that everyone understands that it's okay to talk about and when you need help, that there should be no wrong place to reach out for help. You know, we took this as an organization very hard we, we decided to empower a lot of our veterans with additional training, how do you have a conversation with someone it's okay to ask the tough questions. Hey, you don't look like you're doing okay. But what more can I do for you? Resources, there should be no wrong door, VA has a hotline, it may not always work. Don't just say that that's for Warriors has been great. The national suicide prevention hotline works for veterans as well. So if they say don't get anywhere with the VA hotline, dial another hotline, you can always go to the local er, you can reach out to your family physician, the whole point is to reach out to somebody and know that your situation and the depression and the pain. And some things may always be there. But sometimes it gets a lighter, and the more you talk pain, shared his pain divided. And it'll be okay. Just reach out and talk. No more ripple effects.

Deana Brown Mitchell: That's all very, very good advice and information. And I will also want to say to the people that are the family or friends of people who are struggling, and, and what you can do to help them feel comfortable having that conversation. And one is just just being there. Like you said, letting them know that you recognize that something's off or something is, is doesn't seem okay. And you don't always have to have the right thing to say you just have to be there. And you just have to listen and know and let them know that you are there to support them, and help them however they need you to. Because sometimes trying to give them an answer or give them you should do this, or you should do that is is does the opposite, it kind of pushes them away instead of helps them know that you're really there to support them. An emotional wreck today, apparently. But for me, you know, for 23 years, I didn't talk about my own situation, my own attempt. And it was because I didn't feel like anybody was willing to talk about it or hear about it. Or I didn't even know Nami existed for 20 years. Like there's there's so many resources out there. But they're not known by the the average person unless they're actively looking for it. And so that's another reason I started this foundation was just to have the conversation and normalize it. And I know everybody talks talks about stop the stigma. But he didn't just say stop the stigma, we have to give people the tools to do that. And in my opinion, it is about having these conversations and making it where the people who are hurting feel safe to open up. But also the people around them have the education and awareness and tools to know how to handle it. Because most people who run from the word suicide is because they don't want to say the wrong thing. They don't want to say something that is going to make it worse, and they don't know what to say. So that is the reason we're, we're here. And we're having these conversations so that you feel more comfortable in what to say in sometimes you don't have to say anything, you just have to be there and listen, and be supportive, and maybe get somebody a cup of coffee, or open the door for them or say hello, or ask how they're doing. All of those things. Make people feel like they matter. Where when you don't acknowledge that someone's struggling and you walk away. You're You're just making them feel even more like they're not enough, or they don't. Right.

Yeah, very well said. It's, um, yeah, it's a tough subject. And it's shocking to see how many, the how many suicides there are an intense and that we're having this conversation and this time, yeah, that the more we can do, and the more we can just love one another and actually show compassion and just reach out and just be there for another human being doesn't take much just to let somebody know that they're appreciated.

Deana Brown Mitchell: It's true. It's true. And you think about, you know, everybody, everybody in the world is dealing with so much this past year, with the pandemic and everything that's going on and in the loss of jobs and common and then the people who are essential and working 24/7 And so there's there's so much that everyone is dealing with, but it only takes a minute to say hello to someone and it makes a big redial. Like I said, I don't know why I'm so emotional today. But apparently, it's just you know, what it is,

you know what, that's a b two

Deana Brown Mitchell: It's okay, a people need to know that they are worthy and they are enough and that they matter. And anyone listening to this that goes for you. Know, I want to thank you, Heather, for being here and having this conversation with me. And we all understand that the percentage of human human struggling with mental health this past year is unprecedented. Please reach out to those and know you are there even if it's just to listen. And with that said, you can follow this page for more live conversations and discussions, as we will have a different topic each month. And you can find us on our website again it realizefoundation.org or just Google #savealifechallenge. I hope you will subscribe and donate if you are able. And remember why save a life challenge is all about having the conversation. Thank you and have a wonderful day.