Reinventing Yourself: Candy Motzek’s Approach to Coaching and Personal Development | RR276

Hello everyone, and welcome to this week's

episode of relationships rule. I have a special guest this week,

as always, and her name is Candy motsek, and I'm happy to

introduce her and welcome her to the show. Candy is an author, a

podcast host and a business coach for life coaches, Candy

helps smart people start successful coaching businesses.

I love that she believes that coaching transforms lives and

that being a coach is a calling. She helps her clients get

unstuck and feel more confidence and clarity so they can play

bigger, sign clients and create more meaningful success. She is

a recovering corporate executive, an engineer who

combines practical, strategy and mindset in her calming, unique

approach to coaching. She also has a podcast, which is called,

she coaches coaches, and I love that too. So welcome to the

show, candy. Oh,

thanks Janice, and I really appreciate having me

on. It's great. Looking forward to our conversation, perfect.

And I know that candy works from her she shed,

which is a beautiful spot in the back of her garden. Right? How

long have you had that?

You know, it's been about seven years now, and

I just love it. And I got to say even all these things. And I'm

thinking, I got to do something about that. All this, you know,

like, it makes it really hard to pronounce all these things. So

apologies about that. Oh

no, I love it. It's so cool. And to have your

own spaces, I love that. That's that's amazing to do your work.

So what intrigued me about your bio was the fact that you've

been the corporate route, which a lot of us in our age brackets

have. So you've been the corporate route, and that you

were an engineer, so very linear, very left brain thinking

kind of person. So you did you experience burnout? What was it

that made you turn from the corporate world and decide I

want to be a coach. I am curious about that, so I'd love

yeah and so yes, former engineer and corporate

exec and burnout was like, I had a really big burnout one time.

But prior to that, I probably had three or four or five mini

burnouts. So like, burnout is kind of like a way of life, and

I'm recovering from that as well. It wasn't specifically the

burnout that made me change, but I always knew that I was better

suited to the people conversation, the coaching, that

kind of thing. And I used to actually do it in every role

that I had. I kind of did it, but I didn't have the training.

Then when things really, you know, got nasty with burnout and

that whole recovery process, I started to really look and go,

Okay, what's really going on here is, you know, like, what do

I really want? And as a woman, middle aged, I found that that

was kind of a hard question. Like, you know, you're an

overachiever, you're doing all the things, checking all the

boxes. And then when I thought, oh my gosh, what do I want? I

had no idea. And then through time, I figured out that

coaching was a really great place for me. So burnout was

definitely part of the journey. But more than anything, it was

like going back to, you know, who I feel, how I felt that I

wanted to live my life the kinds of things that I like to do.

Yeah,

so it was a process. It took time. And it's

funny, because I left corporate in the early 2000s for two

different reasons. One, I was being squeezed out because I was

a trainer, but I was a contract trainer, and I wanted it that

way because I had a little baby at home, but, well, she wasn't a

little baby by the time I got squeezed out she was but what

was I going to say? But I didn't know what I wanted to do. I knew

the writing was on the wall, and I knew I didn't want to be in a

job, job, which is why I'd been a contractor for so many years,

that I had some control over what I was doing, and I loved

what I was doing because I was training. And that's what I love

to do, is teach and train, and that's what I've always done,

whether I was a teacher and a school teacher, which I was or

whether I was doing corporate training, I was always teaching.

So when I had to figure out who I was going forward, I actually

looked into coaching. And at that time, coaching was a very

new thing, and it cost 1000s and 1000s and 1000s of dollars to

get into it. Still. Last month a lot of money, but it was way

more expensive back then, and I didn't have that kind of money

to make that transition. But I also discovered that I don't

think I was a coach, because I'm a teacher and they're different.

Yeah, do you see super different?

Yeah, very different, yeah. And for me, the

main difference between teaching and coaching is the teacher

knows something that the student doesn't know, and you hopefully

give them the most efficient, most effective way of helping

them learn that thing, whereas the coach assumes that the human

on the other side of the call knows enough about their life.

And so the questions are evocative, you know, like, what?

What question do you need to change your own perspective and

look at your own life differently? And so there's a

lot of similarities, but the real difference is in the I know

something a teacher, I know something that you don't know,

and I can help you. Whereas the coach says, you know something

and you don't know and you can figure this out, and I'm here

with you.

That's, that's the best description I've heard

in a long time of the two different things, and it makes

so much sense, absolutely and and also, what else I've noticed

in the times that I've spent talking to you recently is you

have the best demeanor for a coach. You're so calm and so

level, not,

yeah, thank you. Gosh, that's a I really

appreciate the compliment, and it's funny because on I'm a, I

don't know how to describe it. I'm used to being calm, you

know, like old corporate land, when things get really crazy,

the leader needs to, like, take a breath, yeah, catch your

breath. Don't jump, don't react, respond, support your team. And

I think I learned that. And so that's a lot of my calm

demeanor. I am a relatively calm person, but I don't always feel

calm inside. And I think that that's really important, that we

know that even though somebody's outside looks calm and together,

it has nothing to do with what's going on on the inside of them,

right? So

that's an interesting theory there.

Because what if you know you're playing it out with your job or

with just life, or with your relationships that you're in,

and you're giving that the other people around you, the

appearance of your you got it all together, and it's calm, and

you're calm. It's funny, because I'm thinking about this, this

show I'm watching, which is called the bear, I don't know,

yeah, and it's about a chef and the whole all the people and the

restaurant and everything. And they're all like, tight, tight

as a drum, because there's so much stress, and, you know, and

yet, some of them are gliding that surface of the calmness,

and so when you're you're giving that person, giving off that

persona, and you're dying inside, or you're so wound up

inside that can't be good, right? No,

it's not. And I think that there's a there's a

difference in it. It might be like, there's sort of three

scenarios. One is that you are feeling calm and the outside

matches the inside. And then other times, maybe you're not

feeling calm inside, but you can you have enough emotional

regulation to take a breath and say, Okay, well, I'm feeling

these feelings inside, but that doesn't mean that I need to make

them have an impact. It's not the best way for us to solve

this problem or to come together or have that conversation. And

then there's other times when you're not feeling calm on the

outside, and you're just like, that's it. I'm not doing this.

And you go postal, essentially, right? Yeah, the place that it's

great for us to be aware is just because we're feeling it doesn't

mean we need to express it, but that doesn't mean that we're not

acknowledging that's how we feel, you know? So when just

back to thinking about burnout, one of the things that I really

noticed about burnout is that I was numb. So not only did I look

calm, but I was like, flat, right? And there is a real

difference between that. So if you're numb, okay, now you're

out of touch, but if you're aware, oh, I'm feeling nervous.

You know, like my butterflies always go before a podcast

interview. I might be feeling nervous, but I can take a deep

breath, and I can look at you on the other side of the screen and

know we're going to have a conversation. So yeah,

so let's talk about your clients for a minute,

because you coach people who are they might be new coaches and.

Um, who have come from the same kind of situation as you have

some, you know, similar in that they've had Burnet, they've left

corporate, or they're thinking about leaving corporate, and

they might be doing something on the side, and I might just add

in here, and you jump in as when you hear, when you want to hear,

is that there's a lot of people today calling themselves

coaches, and they're not necessarily coaches, like

certified coaches, and I know I'm thinking of someone that is

that came from corporate, and she just, she's just rolled into

being a coach. She's certified, and she did everything while she

was still at the company, and now she's just rocking and

rolling it on her own. And in fact, she might be good person

for your podcast. I just thought about that, and but there's a

lot of people out there. They don't know what to do. They

don't know where to start, and that's where you come in. Do

they find you? Or do you find them? First of all, most

of the time, they find me. And so just back to

this, people who decide to be a coach, but maybe don't

necessarily take training. So we already talked a little bit

about the difference between the trainer and the coach. And then

there's sort of two other roles that I think kind of come into

play here, the one of mentor, you know? So, right? Mentor is a

little bit different. Again. It says, I've been there and I can

guide you. And then consultant. Consultant says, Give me all

your stuff. I'll create a solution and hand you the

solution. So there is a lot of people where they may not be a

trained coach, but they may be one of these other roles, and it

may be very effective, but there's no regulation in the

industry right now, right?

But wait a second, don't call me a co don't

call yourself a coach. If that's not what you are, that's what,

yeah, you know what? I used to get myself

really wound up about that too, but I realized that I can't

control what anybody else calls themselves, and if they want to

call themselves cells, chocolate milk or a puppy, I mean, so be

it, right? But there is no regulation. So the people that I

work with, we've taken training, we've practiced, we've had

oversight. We know coaching skills, which is very different,

and we call ourselves coaches. Other people in the world are

going to call themselves a coach. Eventually, at some point

in time, there will be some kind of regulation, and at that

point, well, then, then things will have to change. Sorry, but

then you had another question for me. I just wanted to dive in

on that, because I think it's really important for people to

know that is some Yeah, some coaches are not coaches, yeah.

And so if you're looking at engaging a coach to help with

anything, you might want to see if they've actually got coach

training in addition to their life training and their life

skills,

right? And I think that, you know, I have,

I've always said that, you know, I can mentor people. I've got

the Wisdom, I've got the experience, I've been through it

all. So now let me help you, but it's not I would never be a

coach. I would never call myself a coach, because I'm not a

coach. But yeah, so the second piece we I was talking about was

you said that your clients find you. So are they in various

stages when they find you? Have they decided they want to be a

coach, or are they just still in burnout mode? Yeah,

so some of them are in thinking mode where

they're like, Ah, this coaching thing sounds interesting. They

find me in that stage. They find me in I've decided this is

something that I'd like to do, and I'm in the middle of

training. I talk to people then and then also others who are

finished their training and have made a start, and they're just

like, Well, I really want to do this, but it's not as easy as I

thought, and I've got some challenges, and I need some

help. So sort of three different ways that people kind of

conditions that they come to me in and they find me through all

different ways. They find me on LinkedIn, they find me on my

podcast. They find me on interviews, on other people's

shows. I've got a book that I wrote. You know, all these

different ways. The thing that's important is I try to be myself.

And, you know, there's people who will find me and I am just

not their flavor. That's fine. And there's people who find me

and they're like, Oh, I could talk to her. I love that, don't

you? Right? I

love that, yeah, because enough out there for all

of us. We just have to number one, you know, if you're, for

example, using LinkedIn, because I have to put this plug in here,

because you just gave me that opening, is that if your

LinkedIn speaks to who you are and who your audience is, they

will attract the right people, and then it usually works. But

if there's no, you know, there's nothing to hook me into that

might be my person. Quite often it isn't. So, you know, it's

kind of fun to to to explore that and and. Find the right

people. So what would you say is your ideal client Like, who do

you love to work with the most? Which stage are they at?

Yeah, so the people that I love to work with

the most are the ones that are in the middle of their personal

development before they become a coach. So they are people who

are successful, hard workers, ambitious, and they know

something's not quite right in their life. And so they're doing

that personal exploration. I love working with those people

to begin with, and then many of them go, Oh yes, I want, now

that I've experienced coaching, I want to be able to do that

also

and and usually I would expect, but I'm not going

to assume, but I would expect that they're coming from the the

idea that they, like I said, they've got the Wisdom in the

field they were In, or how to how to be a good leader, and

they just were in the wrong environment, or the corporate

thing just gets to be too much after a while, or whatever,

right?

Yeah, definitely,

especially today, yeah.

I really feel for the people in corporate. I think

that you can have a great career, but I'm not sure that

it's a lifetime career anymore. That's just my opinion.

I well it, yeah, it isn't, I don't think, but

depends. I don't want to get into it, but I see people being

poor leaders that are leading my people, like my daughter, who

need strong leaders to teach them and guide them moving

forward. And instead, she hates her job and she hates her boss,

you know. So it's just and yet you can't leave. You're making

good money and, you know, you're anyway. So it's very frustrating

to say what

you're saying. I mean, that's not, it's not an

isolated incident. There's 1000s, hundreds of 1000s of

people in that, in that scenario, and it's tough,

yeah, yeah, but I guess because everybody's

struggling to survive, right? And okay, so that brings me,

actually, to

the you

help your clients get unstuck and feel more confidence and

clarity, so that you know they can see the forest for the

trees, so to speak, they can see whether they're what they can do

to better themselves in their situation or move or Get the

confidence to move to another situation. So have you gone

through, like, the actual transition with clients, where

they've left corporate while you're Yeah,

yeah, yeah, yes. And it's very for me, it's super

rewarding. Oh, I'm sure, mainly, and it's not the leaving

corporate, like some of them become coaches and stay where

they are, or shift within their company. You know, they get they

choose the right path for them, but the thing that's the most

rewarding is that they become more of who they're supposed to

be, right? And that's the part in my bio where I think coaching

is a calling, like there is a certain kind of person who wants

to have a deep conversation to help somebody else grow in their

life. And so for me, that seeing them go, you know, like they

might have originally started with me, and they're a little

bit hollow and a little bit tired and a little bit a lot of

things, and then all of a sudden, it's like they wake up

and they get their life back. That's amazing.

Oh yeah, it must be you just made me think of

something too, where you said you certain kind of person that

that you know likes to get have the deeper conversations and so

on. It reminds me, actually, of sort of a joke. But it's not in

that my husband will go golfing with somebody, and he'll come

back and say, Oh, I met this really great couple from

Australia that we golfed with today. And I've heard, actually,

comedians do this joke, but this isn't a joke. This is real life.

So my husband will come home and I'll say, Oh, great. I said, you

know, where were they from? I don't know. What were they doing

here, like, you know, did they? Are they here on vacation? Or,

you know, blah, blah, blah, I'm asking a million questions.

Janice, I don't know. I was just golfing with them. You spent

four hours with them, and you have nothing to tell me, right?

Yeah, that's But me, I'm five minutes. I would have had the

whole life history of that couple

so exactly, and shown the pictures of the

grandchildren and the graduations and all of these

things, right? Yeah.

So there are people like us who like to have

those conversations, and can do it in the in the you know, very

easily. Now, yours is more controlled and more systematic,

because you have a strategy when your coach. Watching somebody

me, I'm just curious, and I just want to know more. But

that's the thing, right? Like that curiosity, that

is the spark of learning, and that's the spark of connection.

Like, as soon as you're curious about somebody, they feel, they

relax, they're like, Oh, she's not judging me. She's interested

in me. There's your that's how you know, your skill at creating

relationships is amazing from that,

that's what I love to do. Yeah, it's kind of

fun. So so we said we'd talk a little bit about self care, and

so let's do that in the sense of, like, where what were you

thinking? Were you thinking of the potential clients that you

have and how they should take or just in general, for women,

let's say in our age,

yeah, well, I was thinking women mainly

entrepreneurs and self care.

Let's do that, because the relationship we have

with ourself is so important. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Okay, so go for it. Tell me. Tell me. Okay. Look like, yeah,

tell me. What did that mean to you when you say we should all

pay attention and, you know, take care of ourselves well. You

and I had a little conversation before we went on air about me

not taking care of my knee. And that's sort of, you know, I'm

getting there, but that's self care in itself, right,

right? And we all, we all have these things where

we don't take care of ourselves. We put ourselves second or third

or like, at the bottom of the list, we didn't even make the

list, right? So for me, the self care, it actually starts with

that question that I said earlier, like, what do I want?

Right? You know, when we allow ourselves to want to feel good

and to feel energized and full of energy and have a great life,

there's a place of those are some clues for us for self care.

Often, the things that you hear about self care they you know

when you're not in a position where you're taking care of

yourself, because life has happened and that's just the way

it is. And then you learn what to do. You go, oh, gosh, that

it's so easy. But it's not so easy when you're you know,

you've put yourself down the priority list, and you have to

climb your way out. So things like getting enough sleep,

drinking water, eating healthy, nourishing food, move your body,

get outside in nature, get some sunlight on your face, and

do that enough, that's for sure, and play,

whether

that is you love to listen to music and sing

along, or you love to dance in the kitchen. And so those are

the things I love, also, creativity and as adult women,

lots of times, we've lost that place of creativity, right? So

go back to those fun things that you used to do when you were

younger. Maybe you loved to paint, maybe you loved to do

calligraphy, maybe you loved just a color. It doesn't matter

what it is, it's that. It's not work, it's not constructive,

it's play, right? That's, I think, is the biggest thing. I

don't know what's your experience with play,

that I don't do enough of it and that. But my

granddaughter is teaching me in that. I've noticed that when I'm

with her, and she's five now, but when I'm with her, all else

doesn't matter, because I'm focused on what we're doing and

working with her, playing well, I say, working with her, playing

with her, but I'm often teaching, because that's what I

do. But she is definitely brought that to play. No pun

intended. More I love

that. Yeah, and there's something that you said

too, that I think is, is really important here, is you kind of

lose track of all the other things that are going on, right?

So when you're so focused and you're playing and you're being

creative and you're right present, yeah, that recharges

your batteries, right?

Do you know Kristen Anderson? No, no, I

don't. Oh, she's amazing. She's all about play, and she teaches

people in the workplace to play. And she was on my podcast a

long, long time ago. I should have her come back on. Actually,

she's a lot of fun. She's local and but she works with a lot of

corporations around play, so I often see her on Facebook being

silly and doing stuff like that, you know, that I would never

find myself doing. But yeah, so she likes to have fun. And there

was something else I was going to say about that. Oh, no. What

I was going to say is I'm just going to shift the topic a

little bit sure, because I shared with you, before we came

on air, that I found an old podcast of yours about grow your

business with gratitude. Now I know that that's not what we

were totally talking about. However, I think it fits in the

sense that I. Uh, that is a having gratitude helps you be

it's a positive thing, right? Is, and I notice you have these

journals or books behind you, and I'm guessing they're

journals. And, yeah, do you? You talked about writing, and

actually three in this podcast, you talked about gratitude and

writing things down every three things every day. But what I

loved about it was that you actually explained, you know,

why we get stuck writing the same three things every day, but

we because we're not expanding on those things. And that was a

good reminder to me, I'm not very good at journaling. I've

I've something I've tried over the years but never stuck to, do

you do do you journal every day?

Yes, every single day. And these poor books that

are behind me right here, that's I go through about one a month.

I never used to journal, but it, it journaling is one word, but

it does a whole bunch of things, you know? So I either get rid of

the garbage in my head. I deal with different perspectives. I

might coach myself. I might plan something for my business. I

might remember what to be grateful for. And I love

gratitude really is a powerful it's really a powerful approach,

right? Like totally. It's in the it's in the detail that we feel

the gratitude. So, you know, like you were saying, you could

go to bed every night and say, What three things am I grateful

for? Oh, my house, my you know relationships, and you know that

it's summer, but it doesn't there's no connection, right?

There's no connection to your emotions into your life, but

when it's like my health, because I've just gotten over

the flu, and now I'm starting to feel like myself or my health,

because I made a great salad tonight, and I just feel so good

and clean. Now you've got something that hangs on to

right, and I think that's where it really matters. Yeah,

that's good. And do you incorporate journal

writing with your clients? Do you encourage them to do that?

Yes, yeah, this is something that is part of the

thing I recommend everybody do. And so there's a particular

format that I recommend, but it's always starting small,

because to go from never journaling to writing and

writing and writing is just too big of a jump, right with two

minutes a day, a little bit, and all you have to do is start with

that place where you go what's on my mind right now, and you

just write about it, and that's it for two minutes. You do that

for a few days, and you start to build that habit. I've had

clients that maybe I've worked with them for a year or two

years, and in the first month, we talk about journaling, and I

tell them what to do, and then I remind them every month for a

long time. And because it takes, it takes, right? And then 18

months later, they're saying to me, you know, the best thing

that I've ever learned is this journaling habit, boy, you

should really do more of this journaling habit. And I love it

because it means that it's, they've taken it and made it

theirs, right? They've created the way that works for them. But

it just, it doesn't happen overnight. So when

people journal on a daily basis, I'm curious about

this, do you go back and read what you've written, or do you

just, is it just about getting it down out of your head?

It's different. There's different ways. So

sometimes I go back like I'm working on a particular approach

right now around this is one of the books by Dr Benjamin Hardy.

10x is easier than 2x so I have this vision of my 10x self, and

it's completely impossible to achieve this thing that I have

in my imagination. But I spend every day a few minutes dreaming

and saying, let's pretend. Let's pretend that it actually

happened. And then write about that those ones, I go and I

reread. But if I've just woken up on the wrong side of the bed

and I'm feeling grumpy and all that, then I'm just going to be

like, Oh, what's bothering me right now? And I write a list of

all the things that are bothering me, those ones I don't

go back and look at, right? So it's, you know, super

those in the same book. Are they? Yeah, okay,

yeah.

I'll just like, whatever is the mood of the day.

That's what, that's what I'm doing. I

love journals. I love the whole idea of them, but

I can't, maybe I'll try again, because I like the idea. I just

the funny thing is, over the years, my handwriting used to be

wonderful. Now it's not.

I've heard that, as you get more intelligent,

your handwriting is so that's right, perfect. I'm

taking that one with me. I love it. Okay, all

right, this has been so great. So I've got two last questions

for you. The first. One is that you may already know this, but

curiosity is one of my favorite words, and I love that whole

concept of curiosity. And this is a two part question that I

like to ask most of my guests, if I'm feeling it and I'm

feeling it today. So first part is, do you believe that

curiosity is innate or learned, and part two is, what are you

most curious about these days yourself?

So I believe that curiosity is innate, and then we

unlearn it, and then we relearn it. That's my that's my thought.

I get kind of hardened and cynical, you know, when we're

living that adult life from, say, 20 to 3540, unless we're

we've never lost that sort of gift of curiosity. Sometimes

it can be, I think, lost in school. Yeah,

yeah. You know, I swear one of my daughters never had a teacher

that inspired her, Oh, her whole high school years, and I think

that made a huge difference. Now she didn't like school, but she

was a great athlete, and so that kind of kept her going. My other

daughter would argue if she got a B plus, because it wasn't an

A. So she loved learning in school, right? So I think it

depends. But yeah, that's that's fine. I mean, there's no wrong

answer. People believe what they believe. So thank you for your

your take on that. And what are you most curious about?

What am I most curious about these days? I love

that question. I'm always most curious about people and what

makes them tick, and, you know, like, how they got to be who

they are, what's going on in their life, and and there's

something about it's hard to describe. It kind of goes back

to that thing about why I love coaching is I'm always curious

about what's the thing that kind of relights that spark in their

eyes. It's, you know, like we might be talking, and then all

of a sudden, it's there. It's like, oh, there it is. They just

woke up. What was that? Yeah, super curious about that. Super

curious about people and just what, what makes them not just

happy, but fulfilled and satisfied? You know, happy is so

fleeting, but fulfilled is a big deal.

I would think that you have to be a really

observant person, but also a very if this makes sense, an

observant listener, an activist, but an observant right, like,

just totally Yeah, so, and that's a real skill in itself.

Just for fun. Do you know what the anagram of listen is?

Silent,

yeah. Isn't that brilliant?

Yeah. I love it. I know.

I just something that comes to me once in a

while. I used to teach listening as one of the skills to in

customer service that I used to teach at our at corporate when I

was at the telephone company, and I did this day long training

for customer service people, and listening was part of it. So,

yeah, it always came from a book I read about listening, and I

never forgot it ever anyway, I digress. Last question, what's

your best piece of advice that you would like to share with my

audience about whatever you want to do with your business,

whatever

I think the best piece of advice about business

and with your audience is that it's not just okay for you to

build a business that's reflective of you and who you

really are and what you really want, but it's imperative,

because that's the business that wants to be created through you.

So so often, it's easy to sign up with a coach or a trainer who

says, do my five steps and it will work. But those five steps

are fine, but they're maybe not exactly your flavor, exactly

your value system. So take that extra bit of time and really

check inside and make sure that the thing that you're creating

really speaks to you. There's lots of people who create

businesses that are not fulfilling, so just give

yourself permission to want what you want and to create the way

that you want to make it.

Yeah, that's great advice, actually, because

there's so many people out there daily selling us stuff, and we

get caught up in in something that sounds good for the minute,

and now it's so easy to buy. Yeah, we haven't thought it

through. So we need to stop and look, is it really the right fit

for us? That's amazing. Thank you. You've been an amazing

guest. You. You. Gave us some great strategies and skills, and

I got to know you a little bit better, and that's always

special for me. So thank you for being here, and thank you to my

audience again for your loyalty and for being here. And please,

if you like what you've heard, please leave a review. We'd love

to hear them. And you can find candy on her website at

step into success. Now.com is my website, and I

have a free gift for anybody. It is at Candy's free gift.com

perfect, and I will put those on the show

notes. And I appreciate again you being here and again,

remember to stay connected and be remembered. You.