Change Your Questions, Change Your Future | RR278

So let's see. Yeah, it's still saying it's

full, but it hasn't deleted what I told it to delete, but I think

it's okay. Alright. Hello and welcome to the show. I am very

excited about my guest this week, Elliot Connie, who's

coming to us from his new digs in LA but actually lives in

Texas, so we'll have to hear more about that as we get into

the show. So welcome. First of all, Elliot, welcome to the

show.

Thank you for having me

My pleasure. I don't really want to just read

this whole thing about you, but I want to just because that's

boring for you and but I know there's so much about you.

You're a complicated guy. You have a lot going on. And so I

will just briefly say that when I first met you through a

friend, a new friend, he spoke very highly of you, and you

range from being a clinically trained psychotherapist to an

author, to a podcaster, to a founder of I think your your

heart work, which is your sfbt solution focused brief therapy,

which I'll get you to explain in a minute. And then I find out

that you're also a stand up comic So, and soon to be a TV

show host, so I'm very excited to hear more about it, and I

want to dig in. So let's start at the at the heart of of what

you do, because I know you have a new book that's coming out or

is about out as we as this show airs, it's probably going to be

out at the end of August. Is that correct?

No, we're going to, we're probably going to

start filming in early 2025 and it will be out, Oh,

next. Okay, fantastic. And the book is

called,

oh, the book, yes. Oh, the

TV show's going to start in 2025 Yeah. The book,

yes, August 26 so it will be out when, when this show airs, and

it's called, change your questions, change your future,

exactly yes. So

before we get into that, let's talk about the

sfbt, because I know that's at the heart of everything that you

do, correct

Absolutely yes.

So tell us a little bit about that.

So sfbt stands for solution, focused brief

therapy. And like many people, I had a very difficult childhood,

and my transition into adulthood was just not easy, and was just

loaded with very difficult times. And at some point so and

I went to college, I wanted to play baseball. Actually, I had

no aspirations professionally or career wise. It was just I was

good at baseball, and once I was done with high school, the next

place I could continue to play baseball was college.

Sound like my daughter with basketball? It was

the same thing, yeah,

and baseball was like the one through line of

like joy and happiness in an otherwise pretty tumultuous

childhood. And while I was in college, I majored in marine

biology because I liked the ocean. But through a few twists

and turns, I realized like I wanted my struggle and my pain

to have a purpose, and I wanted to make a difference, and I

wanted to help people if I could, that were dealing with

hard times as well. So I changed my major from marine biology to

psychology, wow, just because I figured, like that's where I

would find journey. Didn't know I would ultimately become a

psychotherapist and all the other things you listed, I just,

I just thought, if I want to help people, I should probably

study psychology. And I did, and it was one of those things that

completely like redirected my life. And I remember getting to

the point of graduation and realizing that a psychology

degree and undergraduate psychology degree is almost

worthless, like it's nothing really you can do with it. And

towards the end of my studies, one of my professors said this

thing that I almost couldn't believe. They said that the

school I was attending, Texas, Wesleyan University, is creating

a graduate school in counseling, and we would like you to attend.

Oh, wow. And I was like, wow. Like, that is crazy. So yeah,

sign me up so I go to graduate school and learn something

unbelievably disheartening, and that is, and I don't mean to say

this to freak anybody out, but when you're in graduate school

studying to become a psychotherapist, you're actually

not learning how to help people. You're learning how to diagnose

them, and you're you're learning how to assess them. You. And

that was really difficult for me, because I really wanted to

help people, and you don't help people just by telling them

what's wrong with them, right? Like that may be a part of it,

depending on the way you do this job, but that's not inherently

how you do it. So I was really struggling, like, really, really

struggling with that. And then, I don't know, I was at a point

where I was going to quit school. I was at a point where

it's like, I'm done because I don't want to do this. And in

one class, there was a book we were reading that had a whole

bunch of psychotherapy theories. You know, there's some stuff in

this book about Sigmund, Freud, Alfred Adler, Carl young, so on

and so on. And two and a half pages of this book was about

solution focused brief therapy. And it was the first time I'd

ever read anything that sounded to me like, Oh, you're like,

actually helping people. And I was mesmerized by it. I later

learned that it's kind of like the the like off in the corner,

fringe, kind of way of doing therapy at the time, like most

people weren't practicing this way, or most people didn't know

what this was, but I was just enamored. Like the most

important ingredient to change is hope, and solution focused

brief therapy is an approach based on hope, and now I'm

finally reading about that, and it made me decide not to quit

graduate school, to stay the course. I'm so glad I did,

because it completely changed my life. And a little bit about

what solution focused brief therapy is, if you've ever been

to therapy, the first question your therapist likely asked you

is, what brings you in. And the difficulty with that is, if I

start a question off with what brings you in, then I'm

naturally orienting your brain to the problem. So let's say

like what brings you in is you discovered your partner having

an affair, and you walked in my office, I don't know you at all,

and I say, So what brings you in? You have to talk about the

most traumatic, difficult, hardest thing, like,

immediately. So what if we started therapy with, what are

your best hopes from being here? Like, what if we started therapy

with hoping to achieve now that you're here, we're still aware

that the problem is there, but we're actually going to start

the work from a place of optimism, hope, and those are

the ways that you create change. And I've spent my career

traveling around the world, writing books, doing all kinds

of things to make clinicians and people more aware that this is

actually how you create change in your life.

So have you had pushback from the

traditionalists, or have you, have you opened people's eyes to

a new way of of be doing therapy.

I think, I think the answer to that is yes, both

have happened. I've had pushback from the traditionalists. I

remember I was one of my first jobs in this field when I

graduated and I got my license. And, you know, I was working as

a psychotherapist at an agency. I eventually opened my own

practice, but my first place of work was at this agency, and I

remember, and I was so excited about the work I was doing. And,

you know, sometimes you're so excited, you're like,

delusionally excited, yeah, assume everybody else will be

just as excited as you right? And I was so excited. And I was

in this staff meeting, and I was talking about the work that I do

with this, you know, sfbt. And there was this woman in the in

the room who was a very seasoned psychotherapist, and she got

really annoyed with me, and she said, everybody knows that you

can't do therapy that way, and everybody knows that you you

have to spend three sessions assessing the client problem.

And I was and she was like, really, like, yelling at me in

front of everybody about about this. And that's been, you know,

that has happened. But you know, when you believe in what you do

and you believe in people, you just carry on. And I think I've

also opened a lot of eyes. And now solution focused, brief

therapy isn't just off in the corner of the psychotherapy

field. It's very much mainstream, and part of that is

because of the massive following that I've been able to build in

my in my work. So yeah, there were definitely people that

struggle to understand but once you experience it, you can't,

you can't unexperience it. So,

so the other thing, the other question that

comes to my mind when you just said that it was hope based.

It's funny, because I have this, this thing about the word hope,

and sometimes it and obviously not in your in your realm, but

you. Maybe I don't know. Like, for me, hope can sometimes be a

negative term. Like, you know you can hope for the best. You

can hope that things will change. But is that, is hope

enough? Like, do you know what I'm getting at? Because

sometimes I'll change people's wording on things and say No,

don't say hope, say we will, or I want, like, speak in the in

the positive. So can you talk to me about that?

Yeah, no, I don't think hope can ever be a

negative, to be very honest. Yeah, well, that's

why I'm asking you, okay, yeah, but, but I,

I think your point is well made. I think

sometimes I think wishing and hope. Sometimes get confused,

but I can't create change without some level of hope. So I

might be like, you know, I'm hoping for a million dollars,

yeah. Well, now we have to turn that into action like so what

are you doing to help that hope become true. And how would you

notice that that hope was becoming true? I think what

you're saying is like, the word wish is like, I just wish $4

million which makes it kind of sound like I'm just going to sit

here and wait for it. Yeah, yes, yes, this guy and land on my

lap. But I don't think hope is, is ever a negative, because we

need it like it if, if I I wouldn't have gotten out of bed

today if I didn't have some hope that something good could

possibly happen today. So that level of hope, which is that's

what got me out of bed. If I knew if you get out of bed

today, there's a 100% certainty that's going to be the worst day

of your life. I never would have gotten out of bed, right, right?

So, like, hope is just a key ingredient that always needs to

be there. Yeah,

okay, fair enough. Fair enough. And you

talk about, in your work, you talk about everybody having a

superpower, yeah? And I love that, and I saw a little

interview you did on Monday morning, morning, Monday

motivational Mondays or something on a television

station, and she was pretty hyped up and motivating herself,

but she was asking you about that. And I liked it because do

you find that the work that you do you're that you are trying to

help the person find their superpower inside, that you

know, that struggle that they're going through, yeah,

like we live in such a weird world where most

people are unaware of their superpower. You're so busy

comparing yourself to other people. True like that might not

be your thing. Like I was watching the Olympics over the

past couple weeks too, and I saw an Olympic gymnast named Simone

Biles, and what she can do with her body, I know, is

unbelievable to me. She she can just do things that are just

now, if I compare myself to to that, and I'm like, I can't even

do flight of stairs. Yeah, and she's but that might, might not

be my gift. That just happens to be her gift. But, like, I've

written six books, maybe she's not a very good writer, and

that's like. So what we end up doing is we spend so much of our

time comparing ourselves to other people and their gifts,

and we end up feeling bad about us and our own gifts. And then

the other thing that happens that I think is really dangerous

is, if I were to say to you, like, let's say, you know, you

and I are hanging out, Janice. And I said, Man, I just, I just

realized I'm the greatest writer in the world. You're likely to

say to me, all right, calm down, Mr. Arrogance. Like, like, tone

it down a little and and I think, why not let people bask

in their own confidence and in their own joy, and who cares if

I'm wrong? But what's wrong with me thinking I'm the greatest

writer in the world that might create the motivation and the

momentum I need to write the book or to write that blog, and

we talk about people, at least in the world

that I'm in one of my businesses, that there's a lot

of personal development stuff that goes on and, and they talk

a lot about I am statements and and affirmations and things like

that, and, and so to say it is to believe it and to say it,

right? And so of course, yes, yeah. And

why not say I'm the best mom in the world? Or

why not say I'm the best drawer in the world? Yeah, I mean, but

we have a tendency. There was actually some research done

several years ago that when people make a statement about

their biggest goals and dreams, the people around. Around them

say something discouraging about it, thinking that it's care. So

it's hard for us to find where our areas of brilliance are,

because people are so busy trying to have you not feel good

about yourself. You

know, you just reminded me of something too

that like my I have a little granddaughter who's five, and

she is a bit of a daredevil, and believe she can do anything,

yes, and to see that and to see how long that will last, right?

Because we, we do. We tend to squeeze that out of them as they

grow up. And I hope that doesn't happen. But yeah, she's I can do

that, I can do that. I can do that right? And, like, just

because she's five, you know?

And the world, like, if I if a five year old

said, I want to grow up and become an astronaut, and I said,

You can't do that. That's too hard. Yeah, I look like a jerk

saying that to a five year old, yeah, but for some reason, if a

17 year old said it, and I said, You can't do that. You're that's

too hard. I don't look like a jerk. And I think the goal

should be whatever your five year old granddaughter is doing.

The goal should be to have her hold on to that feeling of not

invincibility necessarily, but that feeling of like I can do

anything to hold on to that right, as long as humanly

possible, absolutely,

and it's just, and that's belief in yourself,

right? And that's learning that that's what that is, is part of

it too, right? So tell me a little bit about your new book.

Change your questions, change your future. Because I think I

love the title, and I think, yeah, I want to hear more. Well,

the work that I do solution focused brief

therapy is based on questions. It's a psychotherapy that is

based on the therapist asking the client questions that help

them transform their life and how they live it. And for the

last 20 years, I've been working with one of my colleagues, guy

named Dr Adam froh, and so much amazing transformation has been

happening in our work with our clients. We've been we've been

talking for all these years about, like, how could we

somehow, like, bottle that and expose the world to it? Like,

how could we some like, how could we do this? Because the

truth is, the questions you ask yourself. Like, we all know that

self talk is a really important aspect of someone's mental

health, but within self talk, specifically, the kind of

questions you ask yourself are highly determinate in what kind

of life you lead. So Adam and I have been talking for years

about, like, how do we like do this in a way, so that people

could enjoy it in their own time, like they don't

necessarily have to go to therapy to experience that

transformation. And that was really the idea for the book.

And then eventually we got into a position where someone was

willing to publish it and and that's what this book does. Like

it teaches you how to ask the kind of questions that lead

towards a massive transformation in your life.

So when you said, if you don't necessarily have to

go to therapy to you know, make this transformation happen, you

would have to, I think, if you're troubled by something and

you don't believe you can do something, and then you change

the questions for yourself, you still would have a lot to

overcome to to change the actual what's going on in there. Would

you not?

Well, you, you would. And I'm not trying to

discourage people out of there. No,

of course not. Because you're a therapist, I

get it, yeah, like, of course you have things

to overcome, but you can read a book, watch a movie, yes, and it

can or anything else, and be inspired to overcome whatever

those obstacles are. Like therapy doesn't have to be the

only way that you create change. This

is true. This is true. So with what's going on in

your world right now, because I know that you have a TV show

that's about to happen, that you're going to start filming

and will be airing next year, early next year, how much time

are you spending helping people through your mental through the

therapist position?

People ask me that often, and they're always

surprised by my answer, and that is, I still see clients every

week. Wow, okay, because I love it, like, that's still, I mean,

I've, I've

got the heart and soul of what you do. Yeah,

I travel and lecture, I write books and TV

projects and all of these things, but that's still the

heart and soul of not just what I do, but like, who I am as a

person. So I still see clients one on one. I i sit down on zoom

from whatever hotel I'm staying at or wherever I'm at, and it's

still the foundation of my life.

Well, that's good to hear, because then you're

still spreading the work and getting the helping as many

people as you can. Yeah. So I find it also interesting when

somebody who's come from a difficult upbringing, you. And

had to be. You had to overcome to get to a to get to college,

to have a degree, to become these things. Did you as a

child, think, did you have aspirations like that? No, you

said, no. You wanted to be a baseball player. So, but even

that, you know, you have to have the willpower and so on to

overcome what you're going through at home. Yes, so how,

how does that? You know, how do you do that?

Oh, boy, that's a really good question, and I'm

not sure anybody's ever asked me it quite that way. I didn't

realize I was doing it until after I did it. Okay, like,

while it was happening, if I'm being very honest with you, I

was just trying to get through each day, sure, like, I

certainly was not aware of my strength or resilience or, you

know, while it was happening. Was just, I was just like trying

to get through each day. I really wasn't great at thinking

about what I'm going to do when I'm an adult, because I was so

busy focusing on,

Were you busy trying to survive? Because I

think I understand you don't have to get into it, but that

your dad was the difficult one. But yeah, and so your mom kind

of straddled, I'm guessing, between keeping the peace and

looking after you. And you have siblings, I'm not sure, two

siblings, yeah, and and then so, and it would have affected all

of you differently, but, yeah, I don't know. I'm just curious,

because it takes, yeah, I,

I was trying to survive, and emotionally more so

than physical. I mean, there was some there were lots of physical

things that were happening, but it was just an emotional

challenge. But I can tell you, the moment I realized, like, oh

my gosh, I think I might be stronger than the average

person. And I don't mean that to put down anybody else, but there

was a was a moment when I realized, in order for me to be

where I am, I have to have some level of strength. I had never

really thought about that before, and it happened in my

second year of college. I was really depressed, like really

struggling, and I was comparing myself to all these other people

and everybody else, their their parents would like, send them

money. You know, back then there was no PayPal or cash app. You

had to, like, you know, you had to, like, write your college

child a check and mail it. And my buddies would all go to the

mailbox and open a letter, and they'd be like, Wow, my mom sent

me 20 bucks. And yeah, and I just didn't have things like

that in my life. And one day, it hit me that a lot of the people

around me had significantly more advantages than I had, like,

infinitely more advantages than I had, and I had, like every

disadvantage you could possibly have, and somehow I ended up at

the same university, right that they did. I ended up taking the

same classes that they were taking, living in the same dorm

room that, or dorm building they were living in. And I just

thought that must say something about me that's positive. Maybe

my ability to endure, overcome, handle difficult things, maybe

my ability to do these things has been honed through fire, and

for the first time in my life, I was proud to come from the

struggle that I came from, where I used to hide it. I used to I

didn't want anybody to know because I was ashamed. But that

one thought in one instant, in one moment, like a light bulb,

yeah, and it was like, I think, I think I can pat myself on the

back for being strong, because if I wasn't strong, I wouldn't

be, I wouldn't be where I am.

Well, that was, do you see that as a turning

point? Yeah, for sure, absolutely, yeah. So I wrote

something down that that I heard you say in something I listened

to and you said to you, I am an overcomer, yes, right? And you

and then I wrote this quote down because I love this. Your rear

view mirror is littered with examples of your epicness. We

just have to remember to look, or you just have to remember to

look. I love that. That was so cool, because that was your

place where you learned that you you've overcome all, all of this

in your rear view mirror, everything that was there, but

now you know you're strong enough to and resilient enough

to to carry on and do what you want to do.

That's right. Like, once I believe that about

myself, yes, then I, like, I can now take on the next challenge.

Like, because I when you look in your past and everyone, everyone

look, I. Sure that everyone who's listening. You all have

mistakes in your past. There are things you're ashamed of, there

are things you're embarrassed by. I'm sure all that's true,

but there's also evidence of your greatness. There's also

evidence of your brilliance. There's also a challenge you

overcome, a difficult thing you succeeded through. There's this

a wonderful accomplishment that you have. And we have a tendency

to take accomplishment for granted and take accountability

for mistakes. In fact, adults even encourage this, but like,

if you make a mistake, how many times have people said you need

to own your mistakes? Well, yeah, that's true, but how many

times do people say you need to own your greatness? Because

that's equally true. So when you accomplish something like you

get an A in school, or you, you know, have a successful

business, or lose 10 pounds, or whatever it is, remember to take

credit for the thing you accomplished, right, and you

will be much more able to handle whatever obstacles are thrown

your way. I'm now convinced I can overcome anything thrown at

me simply because I have a history of overcoming everything

thrown at me.

I love that. That's so cool. Okay, Let's

lighten things up. A little bit. I watched you do some stand up

comedy. Yes, at the improv. Yeah, right. Tell me about that.

So are you? Are you a closet comedian, or what,

a little bit, little bit more out than

closeted. But what happened, my TV show was being executive

produced by a woman named Tiffany Haddish. Oh, really.

Okay, and we, we were working on on the show, and the development

for, like, talk about

overcoming. Yeah, that woman is,

she is the poster child for overcoming totally.

And we were, we were talking one day, and she said, you should

try stand up. And I was like, Absolutely not. Like, No way.

I'm not doing stand up. It's not something I ever desired to do

whatever like me not writing the book, right? She said, but

you're really funny. You should try. Stan said, no way. So a

little time goes by and I was actually with her. She was doing

stand up someplace, and she said, Will you introduce me? And

I said, Sure. And she said, you know, in order to introduce me,

you have to do five minutes of comedy. And I said, well, then

never mind. I'm not going to do it. Thank you, smart, yeah. And

she was so disappointed in me that I wouldn't do it. I said to

her, alright, Tiffany, I promise you the next time you ask me,

I'll do it. And a few months later, she's like, Alright, I'm

asking you now. I'm going on the road. I'm going to San Jose,

California. I want you to come with me and perform. I had never

performed before, but I'm not foreign to taking stages and

Exactly.

And I got that from the little bit that I saw

too. You were very comfortable on stage. Yeah, yeah.

So I went, and it was so much fun, and I've now

done it, you know, 50 times, maybe, like, I've done it lots.

Oh, that's outrageous, um, but it was all because Tiffany,

Tiffany has this amazing gift, like, I hope everyone and I hope

people are experiencing the gift Tiffany has through this

podcast. Tiffany has this amazing gift that she can see a

skill or talent that someone else has, and she becomes an

advocate to that skill or talent, whether, if, like, if

you are singing around Tiffany and she can hear you sing,

she'll be like, You should do that. I want you to go write a

song and sing it for me, see if I can play it for, like, some

music producers that I know, like she's, she's

just that way. He wants to help people too,

obviously,

yeah, and I, and I think, I think having friends

like that, having people in your life like that, that's why I

said a whole people experiences. I hope, through this podcast,

someone becomes more aware of what their own talent and

brilliance is, and they do something to pursue it, because

I think that's what makes life so amazing. How did you meet

her? We so it's funny. The woman who discovered me, some woman

and someone in LA saw my YouTube work that's literally just about

psychotherapy, and they thought, Man, this guy would be really

good on a TV show about psychotherapy. And that woman

who is now my my manager, knows Tiffany Haddish from years ago,

and they bumped into each other about, you know, six months into

me having like, all of this happening, and heard about the

work I was doing, and said, I want to be a part of his TV

show. So, and then when I met Tiffany, we just, we just

clicked. We just instantly clicked,

well, and there are no accidents. No, I don't

know. So no, I don't either. So that's, that's very special.

Thank you for sharing that and and the joke that I heard you

tell was funny, too. Thank you. Do you remember? You know what

I'm thinking of.

No, okay, so

you were 11 years old, and you'd moved to a new

school, and it was the first white family you'd ever met, and

Eric, your friend, your new friend, took you home, right?

Yeah. It was a funny story that people have to go find it. I'll

have to put it on, yeah. But it was, it was funny, and it was,

it was, um, well told as well. So well that that poses another

question for me, because now that you've done this several

times, where do you get your material? Do you actually write

your material? Do

you, yeah, actually do that? And I tell

stuff, like real stuff for my for my life, like that situation

with my friend was real. That's real stuff for my life. That's

the best stuff. When it's real, it's the best.

Well, okay, this has been so much fun. So we were serious. We

had a little fun. I'm just going to wrap it up with a couple of

quick questions that I just like to find out, because I am

curious. And my my most Well, my favorite question to ask is, and

it'd be interesting asking you actually, because my favorite

word is curiosity, and I want to know if you think curiosity is

innate or learned. And second part of the question is, what

are you most curious about these days?

I do think curiosity is innate. One of the

first things we have as newborn children is curiosity, and

that's how we discover the world around us. I think as adults, we

have to develop what I call empathic curiosity, and because

curiosity is if I said to you, Janice, where'd you get that

shirt? I'm asking selfishly because I want to know where you

got that shirt, because I might want to go get that shirt too,

right? Empathic curiosity is like, it's not so much. I'm

asking because I want the information for my own needs.

I'm asking because I want you to hear the answer to the that

you're going to give to the question, because I think the

answer will make you feel better.

I do that. I

love that. Yes. So a question that might do that

might be Janice. How did you know you would look so nice in

that shirt? Because the as you answer that question, you're

kind of giving yourself a compliment, and being able to

ask people questions, not just because you want to know the

answer, but you want them to hear themselves give the answer.

That's another level of curiosity that I think the

best answer I've ever gotten that's so good,

yeah, I

so I call it empathic curiosity. Empathic

curiosity.

I love it. Okay? And what are you most curious

about today?

Um, wow, that's a good question. I'm most curious

about blessings. I'm I'm so interested to see what the next

blessing will be, where it will come from, what shape it will

take. And just, I'm really excited, also curious about

whatever it is around the corner. I

love it. That's amazing. And you know what?

There are great things coming for you. Still around the

corner, I can tell I just yeah, there's lots going on for you.

So where can people find you?

You can find me on my website, at Elliot

connie.com make sure you spell my name with 2l and two T's,

Elliot connie.com or you can find me on all of the social

media platforms at Elliot speaks, Instagram, Facebook, X

threads.

I'll put all that in the show notes. So that's

Yeah, okay. Well, I this has been amazing, and I appreciate

your time, and I appreciate you and your wisdom for everything

that you've shared with us. And I wish you well with your new

book. I wish you well with your new TV show, and I'll be a fan

and checking it out if I'm able to see it, because I'm in

Canada, so who knows, right? But we'll, we'll stay in touch and

make sure that that happens. So thank you again, and thank you

to my audience, and all that information will be in the show

notes, so you can follow Elliot and watch him his next blessing.

Thank you so much for having me. You.