Child Custody Myths with Jennifer Nixon | RU019

Hello, and welcome to rediscovering you where you will find valuable insights, support and education to help you move through the difficult and often painful process of divorce with grace and courage and hope and find the ultimate gift of rediscovering yourself. I'm your host, Barb Greenberg, award winning author and founder of rediscovering you. If I'd had access to a resource like this during my divorce, I would have not felt so isolated, I would have made much better decisions, I still would have breathed for that for so hard for so long. And I wouldn't have eaten so many boxes of macaroni and cheese. When women heal, families heal, when families heal communities heal. When communities heal, the possibilities are endless. Let's get started.

I am thrilled to introduce you to our next guest. She knew she wanted to be an attorney when she was teeny little I have to tell you. I'm going to let her tell you her story about that. But she always knew she wanted to be an attorney. She originally earned a degree in criminology in political science, which I think is super cool. And then she went to William Mitchell College of Law, and she worked as a research assistant for the dean of the college. Which kind of impresses me I bet sounds like a lot of fun too. So she brings a lot of energy and compassion to her work. She assists clients with their personal matters, including family law. She's trained in the Collaborative Law process as well. So she's really concerned about making sure people go through this process with dignity and respect. She helps, I cannot tell you how many people that I referred to her love her, they love her. She can also help with estate planning, and a lot of those issues that you forget about or that you have to redo health care directives of living wills, those kinds of things. After divorce, that sometimes those things fall through the cracks. So she wants to make sure you have peace of mind and that your children will be really cared for, and their family will be taken care of if something happens. She is just extraordinary. And she has a new puppy to go with her cat named Frankie they puppies, Frankie. I don't remember the cat's name. What's the cat's name? So welcome, welcome, Jennifer. I'm introducing you and Frankie at the same time,

Thats just fine, thank you.

You're very welcome. I'm thrilled that you're here. This is gonna be fun. You have to share, you have some really important things to share. And we were just talking before the started about the powerful lessons impacts myths about child custody, because that's something that can make people really so anxious about and so fearful of. And Jennifer is excellent with a lot of child issues, that custody issues and parenting issues. So I'm going to let her explain well, first, wait before we go back. I'm skipping around my mind is skipping today. Tell us about how you decided when you were really young that you wanted to be an attorney. No do the serious stuff.

Or so I decided I wanted to be an attorney when I was 13. And I said I want to do divorces. I want to be a divorce attorney What 13 year old says that? I don't know. But that was my plan. And I'm not entirely sure where it came from. Like I don't have attorneys in my family. So, but that was that was what I wanted to do. So I worked towards that. And you know, you're in the criminology and political science. That's political science is pretty common. If you know you want to go to law school, right? Pretty common major. So I went for it and it worked out. I

can't remember all I remember about 13 Was I loved horses, which I still do, but I loved horses. So, so welcome. So back to the more serious issues of child custody and the myths around child custody. So would you like to start with maybe the top one of the top ones and and explain. Sure. Yeah.

Wouldn't would it be helpful to hear it just really basic, the custody labels? Yeah. Okay, sure. So, so a lot of people talk about custody and The and you're right, it is absolutely a very emotional issue it is it is among them. You know, I think one of the most emotional issues in a divorce, everybody wants to make sure their kids are going to be okay. And their kids gonna be taken care of so. But there's two types of custody that we talked about. There is physical custody and legal custody. And physical custody, I think is what most people think of that's essentially where the children will be, you know, where the kids are going to be, who they're going to live with on a day to day basis. And then we have legal custody, and legal custody is more of those big life decisions. So it is that medical decisions, religion, and educational decisions, those cover legal custody, and most couples do have joint legal custody. That's the we say that's the presumption in Minnesota so that that means that unless there is a big issue. Typically, most couples do share joint legal custody, because a lot of times you can work through those bigger decisions together. So those are the types of custody. And then one of the one of the big myths, you know, when I talk about that physical custody label, what that means one of the biggest myths that I hear is that that custody label is just essential that you have to have sole physical custody. And that, but that physical custody label actually doesn't have an impact on the amount of parenting time that you would have necessarily. So you could say, have joint physical custody with your spouse, but still have more parenting time. You know, you could have 70% of the parenting time, for example, you could also have joint physical custody and have equal parenting time. So it doesn't necessarily mean joint physical is equal parenting time. It also doesn't have an impact on child support. So you can say that you have joint physical custody. But child support is a whole different ballgame. You know how that's calculated, and it's based on the number of overnights so it's more based on the amount of parenting time that somebody has than what that actual physical custody label is. So that those are kind of the a couple of things that I that I hear with that that label, you know, hear that myth at that label, you have to have that sole physical custody label.

That's a really important thing to realize. Because you're right, people don't realize that. I mean, many people don't I wouldn't have I don't think on the difference. What's another one? What's another issue that that people?

Yeah, so another big one that I hear is that the children get to decide where they want to live, or the children can decide at a certain age. So I hear a lot of the times that once the kid hits that once the children hit that magic age of 13, for some reason, that's the age that people talk about, that they can then decide where they want to live if they want to live with mom or dad. And really, there isn't a magical age where the children can decide the the statute that we look at, it's called the best interest factors. And one of those factors is related to when the children when the children's preference would come into play says, the reasonable preference of the child if the court deems the child to be of sufficient ability, age and maturity to express an independent and reliable preference.

So

clear as mud, right? That's, it's definitely dependent on the kids. Because if, say, Johnny wants to live with dad, because dad lets him play video games more? Well, that's not, you know, an independent preference. If Johnny wants to live with dad, because he, you know, he has more friends there and is closer to school. And,

you know, there's there's those more

mature reasons, you know, so he's showing that he has that sufficient maturity, then then that's going to be taken into consideration more. So there isn't a magical age, it really is dependent on on the kids themselves. I get that question a

lot. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

But that, like I said that 13 For some reason, that's that's the age or people seem to think that that that the kids can decide and that's not it's not the case. And it's a little bit more complicated than that. So

is there another one? That yeah, here. So good. These are important. So thank you.

Yeah. So you talked about when you were reading my bio kind of different, I do like a collaborative process. I also do like that litigation based process more of a court based process. And so one myth that I hear with custody is that the court will Give me the best result. So if I just go to trial, that will that will get me what I what I want. And it judges even will tell you that they don't like to make these decisions, especially when it comes to custody and parenting time, because they don't know you, you know, they will make your decisions if they have to, if they you know, if you if you cannot reach an agreement, but they will straight up tell you, you know, they don't know you, they don't know your kids, they don't know your family, they have to rely on just what is told to them. And so going to trial can be your leaving that decision up to the stranger in the black robe. And that, that can be very difficult. And just going through that process of the trial is really tough, too. It's a very emotional process. It's very draining, especially for custody and parenting time. I mean, you're talking about your, your spouse and how they parent, it's, it's, it's very tough. So if the court doesn't necessarily get you the best results, because you and your spouse, know your kids the best. And you know, what is going to be best for them much more than a judge

does. I'm so grateful that I did not have to deal with that our daughters were in their 20s When we divorced, and I cannot imagine how difficult that must be. For everyone involved. Everyone involved. So that's a that was a big one for because you think there's this magic wand that a judge will have, and all this wisdom will just pour out of him or her off onto you. And it doesn't. It's judges are just like everybody else. There's some great ones. There's some not so great ones. There's some. Yeah, just like, just like, yeah,

and I think that I think that's, that's really important. You know, judges are people too. And and when you go to trial, especially with something like custody, the judge also doesn't know how you want to write things, you know, the order that they come out with might not say things in a way that is going to work best for you, when you are able to reach an agreement and able to settle things. And I think this is true for any issues, but especially for custody and parenting time. You can write that decision and write that order through a settlement the way that you want to see it written. And so you really have that control over it. So you can write it in a way that you know that it's going to be best for your kids.

Oh, that's wonderful that people have more control you what you said over how they want things to be. Right. Yeah, exactly. Wow, that's good. This is good stuff. Is there another is there another myth that stands out for you? Or are those three, the biggest

one that I hear sometimes is that you know, I have to stay in the home, we have to I have to, I can't leave, I can't move out because I'll be considered abandoning my kids. And that that is also something that's that's a myth, there isn't an abandonment, I say that, that you don't have to separate physically when you're going through the divorce process. But for a lot of couples, it just gets to be too much to live in the same home, especially going through this going through the process. And so if you were to say, find somewhere to rent or something like that, and you are going to take the kids, it's really important to communicate, communicate, communicate, you know, whenever one parent is going to leave the house, I think that it's good to have an agreement on this is what parenting time is going to be. So that you can make sure that the kids are still seeing both of you. You have some kind of ground rules set up. And if you have, say an attorney on board, they can help to come up with what that temporary schedule would look like, until you come up with something more permanent. So I think if there is no like I said no abandoning the kids, if you if you just cannot be in the same house anymore. And your spouse, you know, if you were to leave the house and your spouse was going to stay at the house, they shouldn't be shouldn't be concerned that they would be considered abandoning either but very, very important to communicate, communicate, communicate in that situation and get some some ground rules in place. Before that happens.

Is that just Minnesota or is that nationally that law?

You know that I'm not sure. Okay. Yeah, family law is different in every state. So, I would Yeah, I don't want to speculate. So I've had.

But yeah, cuz I, I, that was something I'd always believed. I've had people say, Oh, if I leave the house, I can't leave the house, because then the ramifications will be terrible for me. But that's at least in Minnesota for sure. It's not the case.

Right? Yeah. Yeah. And there's some practical tips for that, right? Like if you if you leave, and you bet you really want the house, but you have to move back in? And, you know, do you want to do that? So there's some practical things to think about with it. But from a legal standpoint, it there there isn't like that abandonment

isn't true. Do you have any words of wisdom for communicating because you just, you know, communicate, communicate, communicate? And it's kind of sometimes very difficult? Are there any tips on how to do that? are suggestions on wording or anything about? Your, your attorney? Do you do it? Between the two of you? What what do you see as the most effective?

It definitely is difficult. And, and I think it really depends on the couple, you know, if communication is going well, I always tell my clients, if conversations are going well, and you can sit down and have a conversation with them, do it because that that is perfectly fine. If it's too much, if it's too hard, then attorneys can help with that. You know, if if that communication is just not happening, or it's becoming like I said, too difficult to heated, then through attorneys can work. Whether you sit down together or, or that is through attorneys, especially something like a parenting time schedule, if somebody was to move out of the house, I would get it at least in an email or a text or something so that you can refer back to it so that it's clear, and clearly spelled out, this is what the plan is. And even if you're getting along great, I would still do that. Because you just you're not sure you know, you don't know how the process is gonna go. And you want to make sure that those those ground rules set up, and everybody's on the same page.

That's important, I can see that.

And there's things that there's things that you can do in court to you can write up that agreement and have it turned into an order. If you can't agree on a schedule, there are processes in the court that you can use if you need to. So there's those, those things would have a little bit more teeth again, if you need those. So I don't think that you necessarily have to do that in every case, but but I wouldn't get things in writing.

So smart. Do you have one more goodie for us? Or do we cover the major ones? Because you can keep going? We've got some more?

Yeah, I think those are the big ones. Oh, I got another one. Okay. I thought of another one here you that a parent can deny parenting time if somebody is not paying child support on time. So I hear about that every once in a while. It's not super common, but it is a question that I get. and child support and parenting time are completely separate. So even if somebody is late on child support, or behind on child support, they still get their parenting time or so. And that is very specific in the statute. So that's that's very clear that those two things are separate. So like I said, I don't get that one a ton. But I do get questions about that sometimes. And that that one is a that one is a mess,

too. Or I can't believe this is your time limit on how many months can go by before something blows up, or no,

there's yeah, there's not you know, somebody could be years behind on child support. And by the statute, they still get their parenting time.

So yeah, they're totally separate. That's really interesting. That was really interesting. You shared some really specific, important, valuable information. And I want to make sure people know how to contact you will we will put your contact information in our notes. But if you want to share your website or email or something like that right now, that'd be awesome.

Sure, so my firm is peruse Nixon and so our website is just proof nixon.com and email is probably the easiest way to get hold of me. And that's just Jennifer at peruse nixon.com Give me a call to me that certainly works i i work with people where they're at so if if you're a phone call person, absolutely give me a call. Your email person that email

is P e ru?

Yep, P E R U S S E, okay. Okay. And the next one is ni x O N, just like the president. But I say I'm married into it No relation.

Thank you so much. I want to have you come back and speak more, because you've got more really juicy things people are going to want to hear to hear. So I will talk to you again very soon. We'll do this again very soon. And I thank you so much. I really appreciate you taking the time.

Of course, thank you so much for having me.

Bye, bye. Bye.