April 12, 2023

Self-Compassion As The Ultimate Healing Tool with Tanu Bedi-Seraphim

Self-Compassion As The Ultimate Healing Tool with Tanu Bedi-Seraphim
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Season 1

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim, Conscious Relationship Coach, joins us today to talk about all things compassion. Tanu is a living, breathing example of a soul doing this work on a regular basis. She takes us through Tara Brach’s R.A.I.N. process for applying self compassion. Tanu’s approach to applying compassion to ourselves first in order to understand our patterns is accessible to all of us. She teaches us how it is an invisible tool available to use at a moment’s notice. We also talk about how we are here to heal generational pain and trauma, that it might be what was handed down to us but it’s our responsibility to heal ourselves. I hope you love this needed episode on compassion as much as I did! Enjoy listening!

EPISODE TAKEAWAYS (What you'll learn)

  • How compassion can be used as a tool for healing
  • Tanu shares Tara Brach’s RAIN process
  • How Tanu transformed her background of traditional parenting into conscious parenting approach
  • How the application of compassion turned voices of guilt and shame into loving kindness
  • How to prioritize yourself and put a date on the calendar for you & yourself or you and a friend
  • What reparenting the parts of ourselves that are no longer authentic looks like
  • Tanu explains generational healing and our responsibility in this healing

Mentioned Resources

Dr. Gabor Mate https://compassionateinquiry.com/

Dr. Shefali Tsabary https://courses.drshefali.com/

Suzi Lula https://suzilula.com/

Kristen Neff https://self-compassion.org/

Tara Brach R.A.I.N. https://www.tarabrach.com/

Elizabeth Gilbert https://www.elizabethgilbert.com/

Julia Cameron/Morning Pages https://juliacameronlive.com/basic-tools/morning-pages/

About the Guest:

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim is a certified Conscious Relationship Coach from Dr. Shefali’s Conscious Parenting Institute. She has also studied Dr. Gabor Maté’s Compassionate Inquiry and Suzi Lula’s Soul Care Coaching. She is passionate about empowering her clients in breaking generational patterns and creating meaningful lives that are full of joy, authenticity, and deep connections with their children, partner, and most importantly with themselves. Using mindfulness and compassion as a compass, she teaches effective scientific tools, and helps integrate childhood wounds to support her clients in creating a fulfilling life.

Website: https://stillwaterreflections.com/

IG: https://www.instagram.com/stillwaterreflections/

FB: https://www.facebook.com/stillwaterreflectionsmindfulconnections

About the Host:

Maureen Spielman is the Founder of Mystical Sisterhood, a podcast dedicated to bringing more joy, healing and expansion to the world. She is a seasoned life coach who supports individuals through one-on-one coaching, groups and workshops. Connect with Maureen:

Check out her Instagram

Learn more about her work at www.maureenspielman.com

Want to join our Mystical Sisterhood Membership community? Find out more

here: https://www.maureenspielman.com/mysticalsisterhood

Email Maureen at hello@maureenspielman.com to inquire about coaching,

podcasting & speaking engagements

● Want to view Mystical Sisterhood episodes? Visit the Mystical Sisterhood

YouTube Channel here: Mystical Sisterhood Youtube

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Transcript
Maureen Spielman:

Welcome back to mystical sisterhood. Today I

Maureen Spielman:

interviewed Tanu Bedi- Seraphim. She's a conscious relationship

Maureen Spielman:

coach, we're talking all things compassion. So, you may be a

Maureen Spielman:

practitioner of applying compassion to yourself when

Maureen Spielman:

going through a hard time or when life hits you with

Maureen Spielman:

curveballs. But I know that a lot of us don't know really what

Maureen Spielman:

it means to take compassion and apply it to ourselves during

Maureen Spielman:

these times. So today, we're going to break it down. Why

Maureen Spielman:

compassion is beneficial for you, and how to do some

Maureen Spielman:

practices to take into your own life. Tonto has studied with so

Maureen Spielman:

many different teachers and I respect her so greatly. And this

Maureen Spielman:

Saturday, she will be inviting you to a meditation practice

Maureen Spielman:

she's doing around Tara Brock's rain, we go into what rain is.

Maureen Spielman:

And I'm going to put a link to Tatuus Instagram in the show

Maureen Spielman:

notes. If you're interested in learning the technique after

Maureen Spielman:

listening to the podcast even if you don't get a chance to

Maureen Spielman:

listen, go to her Instagram and in her link tree, you will find

Maureen Spielman:

a link to take part in this beautiful ritual that she's

Maureen Spielman:

going to be holding on Saturday. Thanks so much.

Maureen Spielman:

Hey there, welcome to mystical sisterhood. This is your host,

Maureen Spielman:

Maureen Spielman. I started the show to highlight the

Maureen Spielman:

intuitives, healers and other courageous women that I've met

Maureen Spielman:

along my journey and continue to meet. Through amazing

Maureen Spielman:

interviews, I seek to ask insightful questions to uncover

Maureen Spielman:

ways in which you the listener can apply the wisdom and

Maureen Spielman:

knowledge to your own life. I believe that we're all in this

Maureen Spielman:

together. So sharing healing and joy, and bringing community

Maureen Spielman:

together is both my passion and purpose. If you'd like to learn

Maureen Spielman:

more about the mystical sisterhood community I'm

Maureen Spielman:

building, please visit www mystical sisterhood.com See you

Maureen Spielman:

in the episode.

Unknown:

Welcome back, everybody. This is Maureen. And

Unknown:

I'm here with Tanu. And we're here to talk about compassion.

Unknown:

today. It is the topic that we're coming in with, I know

Unknown:

that we'll probably cover many things during this time

Unknown:

together. But for the audience, the reason I wanted to have

Unknown:

Tawny on for this conversation is that she and I met during Dr.

Unknown:

Shefali, this conscious parenting program and connected

Unknown:

we're lucky enough to sit together or join together in a

Unknown:

circle of women,

Unknown:

where we kind of worked on the principles we were learning and

Unknown:

began to talk about our lives and how the topics being offered

Unknown:

affected us and how, you know, how could we understand

Unknown:

everything we were learning and sort of process it and begin to

Unknown:

apply it to our lives. And I'll have to say, for me, you know,

Unknown:

of the many topics I learned about compassion has been a

Unknown:

really big one. Because as we'll get into today, I think it's a

Unknown:

neglected sort of area. I think it's not one people have taken

Unknown:

deeper dives into, even though there are really big bodies of

Unknown:

work out there about compassion. And the reason I wanted Tani to

Unknown:

come on is because I know her to not only be

Unknown:

an avid seeker of, I think, teachers, wisdom teachers who

Unknown:

teach on compassion, but also just a person who's taken deep

Unknown:

dives into the material. And I thought Tanya, you'd be just the

Unknown:

perfect person today.

Unknown:

So I just want to welcome you, and thank you for being here

Unknown:

with us. Thank you, Maureen. It's such a privilege to be

Unknown:

here. And I'm excited to talk about this topic, because it's

Unknown:

so important to my heart. Yeah, yeah. Well, and I know,

Unknown:

I don't know if it was a self discovery around compassion and

Unknown:

your interest in the material

Unknown:

that came in the past few years or before that. But to begin

Unknown:

with, I know you're one of the persons who sat with me who

Unknown:

began in a much different career.

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

Yes. So I was actually working as a

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

science researcher in a neuroscience lab. And then I had

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

children and I took a break.

Unknown:

And that's sort of how my journey began, but it was

Unknown:

very different from

Unknown:

where we are right now. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not a lot of

Unknown:

compassionate talk going on in the labs around the world. I'm

Unknown:

sure.

Unknown:

It's different, right. It's, I think that compassion like you

Unknown:

said, initially, it's not the

Unknown:

Something that most of us engage in talking about. So it's not

Unknown:

something that is that is very prevalent in most of our work

Unknown:

cultures, I would say in our society. Yeah, yeah. And then

Unknown:

you took you took the time off, to raise your kids begin those

Unknown:

years with them. And I was thinking before we met, I mean,

Unknown:

raising children requires a lot of compassion. It calls upon so

Unknown:

many reserves from us, that, quite frankly, so many come a

Unknown:

bit ill equipped to provide for our kids. And I think that's one

Unknown:

way in conscious parenting that compassion begins to be

Unknown:

something we talk about in not only offering them but offering

Unknown:

ourselves first. But can you say a little bit about how you

Unknown:

became interested in this topic?

Unknown:

Yeah.

Unknown:

So I think,

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

when I became a parent, I, I myself was

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

raised in a family where it was very much a dictatorship, very

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

much traditional parenting style. So when I had children, I

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

just knew in my heart that I wanted to do it differently. But

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

I didn't have any models for it. And what ended up happening is

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

that because of my background in science, I sort of threw myself

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

into the child rearing psychology, child development,

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

and things like that naturally. And I've memorized a lot of the

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

scripts that many of the wonderful psychologists provide

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

us with. But when I had my second child, I wasn't able to

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

keep up with the scripts, because I was having postpartum

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

anxiety and depression and, and it was a, it was a difficult

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

time for me. And that's when I started to turn to mindfulness

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

and meditation. And that was probably my first introduction

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

with compassion, where I did this, where I did this self

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

compassion, meditation, and I put my hand on my cheek and the

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

tears would just not stop flowing. And so that that's the

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

first time I think I remember my, my direct contact with, you

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

know, the work with compassion. But it wasn't until much later

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

that I, I really became much more focused on it. So I also

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

self studied a lot of Dr. Kristin neffs work who is a

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

science researcher who focuses on Mindful self compassion. And

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

Tara brach is another one of my teachers. And then Dr. Shefali,

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

Dr. Gabor Ma, Tei, Suzie Lulu all sort of have this underlying

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

theme of compassion. And more and more, I realized that this

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

work cannot be cannot be done without compassion, and just

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

healing my own relationship with myself,really required me to

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

become compassionate, because what ended up happening as I was

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

telling you about my parenting journey, I realized that I was

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

just being really harsh with myself, I kept feeling like a

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

failure, I kept feeling inadequate.

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

And I realized that the key was to have radical acceptance and

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

radical compassion for myself, and only then I could begin to

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

transform any of my other relationships. That's sort of

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

how I came to just really focusing on compassionate and I

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

strongly believe now that you know, you can have all the

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

intellectual knowledge about this is what you should say to

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

your child, or this is what you need to do in order to integrate

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

some of your own traumas, perhaps. However, it's

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

incomplete until you begin to have self compassion. And only

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

when we are able to be self compassionate, we can offer

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

compassion to other people that is actually authentic. Yeah,

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

yeah. So it's deep and it's layered. And thank you for

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

sharing those pieces and parts of your journey and how they

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

unfolded for you. Sort of by even like how you were beginning

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

with you had that scientific kind of background and so used

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

harder to turn to things that were probably developmentally

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

scientifically supported. And that appealed to you. And that's

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

for a lot of people, because a lot that we kind of push it

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

away. And if it's not rooted in science, then the you know,

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

we're not a lot of people aren't going to go there. So I like you

Tanu Bedi-Seraphim:

pointing that out. Because

Unknown:

I think more and more we're finding that this work is

Unknown:

supported by it's just, we just sometimes assume it's not going

Unknown:

to be so you named Kristin Neff, as a teacher. I've heard you

Unknown:

talk a lot about Tara Brock's work. But you know,

Unknown:

and I've heard you talk, I think it was her in particular that

Unknown:

has the rain.

Maureen Spielman:

In that's, that's regarding compassion,

Maureen Spielman:

too. Can you talk a little bit about that? Because I think

Maureen Spielman:

that's a really neat framework. And I always like to just more

Maureen Spielman:

and more, give the listeners things that they can take away,

Maureen Spielman:

even if it's something that they go look into more of themselves.

Maureen Spielman:

But yeah, what about that? Oh, yeah, I love that. You're asking

Maureen Spielman:

me this question. And I absolutely love Tara Brock's

Maureen Spielman:

work, it has been so

Unknown:

important in my own journey. And so it's a tool

Unknown:

reign of compassion is a tool. And while

Unknown:

this practice is not something that Tara brach developed, it

Unknown:

pre existed, however, she has her own version, which really

Unknown:

focuses on the compassion piece of it.

Unknown:

And

Unknown:

I have learned to rely on it a lot, especially during difficult

Unknown:

times. So rain is an acronym. And it stands, the R stands for

Unknown:

recognize. And A stands for allow, I stands for investigate,

Unknown:

and N stands for nurture.

Unknown:

So this tool is basically a really beautiful, and very

Unknown:

practical way of re parenting yourself.

Unknown:

And that's, that's what I really love about it.

Unknown:

So, when you're practicing how I do it, just if the listeners

Unknown:

want to practice it, and Tara brach has a lot of resources, I

Unknown:

hope I do it justice.

Unknown:

But, so when you are practicing, what you need to do is just kind

Unknown:

of settle down and just, you know, sit with silence for a

Unknown:

couple of minutes. And then you could do this as a meditation,

Unknown:

or you could do it as a journaling practice, or you

Unknown:

could even do it

Unknown:

with a buddy, I often do it with a buddy on a weekly basis. And,

Unknown:

and then it just becomes over time, it just becomes your go

Unknown:

to, and you could be doing it on your phone, in a moment of

Unknown:

distress. So, so just settle down in kind of center and just

Unknown:

allow What's there to just, you know, just attune to yourself,

Unknown:

right. And then our recognize so in recognize you are sort of

Unknown:

separating yourself from the story.

Unknown:

This person said this, this is what happened. And it's often

Unknown:

very easy for us to get caught up in the story. So when we go

Unknown:

to recognize we're recognizing some of the main facts of what

Unknown:

happened. And then we're also focusing on what are the primary

Unknown:

emotions that are that this is bringing up for me, and just

Unknown:

either, you know, just getting present to them, or if you're

Unknown:

journaling, just writing that out. And then

Unknown:

just sitting with that for a few minutes. And once you have

Unknown:

recognized Okay, I am feeling anger, I'm maybe feeling

Unknown:

sadness. Oh, I just realized there's shame.

Unknown:

You know, so once you have that, then you move into the next

Unknown:

step, which is allow the a of rain allow, and allowing

Unknown:

basically, what it does is it helps us to move from,

Unknown:

from our storyline into just welcoming what is here. Right.

Unknown:

And

Unknown:

it also allows us to as Tara brach says that it allows us to

Unknown:

see that this is just a wave, and then we can be the ocean,

Unknown:

we're not that wave. So we're separating a little bit,

Unknown:

creating some space from that emotion and just allowing it to

Unknown:

be here and kind of reminding ourselves that this too is part

Unknown:

of our human experience, whether that's anger or sadness or shame

Unknown:

or what have you. And once you have allowed it and you have

Unknown:

reminded yourself that this to this to belongs and I can hold

Unknown:

this emotion as well.

Unknown:

It's okay for it to be here.

Unknown:

Then we move into the eye of rain, which is investigate.

Unknown:

And while the word investigate may sound intellectual, it, the

Unknown:

process itself is not. So it's very much shifting, using the

Unknown:

allowing part, and shifting from the storyline and thoughts into

Unknown:

the felt perception.

Unknown:

And this is where you ask yourself, Okay, what am I

Unknown:

believing? So what is the limiting belief under all of

Unknown:

this? What is the most painful thing unbelieving? What is what

Unknown:

feels most vulnerable right now?

Unknown:

And if I could just really get in touch with that, where do I

Unknown:

feel it in my body?

Unknown:

And what is it? What does it feel like? Does it have a

Unknown:

texture?

Unknown:

Does it have, you know, what sensation is it? Is it that my,

Unknown:

my belly is clenched, or my jaws clenched? Or is my heart feeling

Unknown:

heavy?

Unknown:

Right, so just kind of getting really present to all of that.

Unknown:

And then the next step

Unknown:

is nurturing the end of rain. And in nurturing, this is the RE

Unknown:

parenting part.

Unknown:

And so this is where you call upon either your own Higher

Unknown:

Self, or if you believe in some sort of God, or, you know, some

Unknown:

some loving

Unknown:

person in our life, for example, for many people, it could be

Unknown:

their grandparents, or it could be, you know, some wise teacher,

Unknown:

it could be Tara brach herself,

Unknown:

the whoever you relate to most, and see them as this wise,

Unknown:

loving,

Unknown:

you know, persona. So just calling upon that, then I think

Unknown:

Elizabeth Gilbert Gilbert, the writer talks about, she writes a

Unknown:

letter to love every morning. So it could just be love itself,

Unknown:

right? Whatever resonates with you, and kind of calling them

Unknown:

in. And now asking how this part of us that's feeling whether

Unknown:

that's sadness, or shame, or

Unknown:

whether it's anger,

Unknown:

or whatever our feelings are, how do they want this higher

Unknown:

self or this this loving, wise identity to be with it?

Unknown:

And then offering that

Unknown:

and then offering that part?

Unknown:

You know, the nurturing, it may just be as simple as saying, you

Unknown:

know, darling, I care about your suffering. This is a line from

Unknown:

Dr. Kristin Neff, actually. But it could be something like ICU,

Unknown:

I love you. Or, you know, when we ask, how would you like me?

Unknown:

How would you like this identity to be with with you, you may get

Unknown:

a response and really tuning in to what is the need, you know,

Unknown:

that that's that.

Unknown:

And we often when we'll find that we have this really, really

Unknown:

young part within us that's just seeking for some reassurance or

Unknown:

some reminder

Unknown:

that says, you are lovable, you are good inside. And I see you,

Unknown:

and I love you. So just offering that to those parts, those parts

Unknown:

of us that are hurting, and you conclude the rain with just

Unknown:

checking in with yourself like what is my

Unknown:

sense of being right now after having done this process? And

Unknown:

has that shifted from when I started to where I am now. And

Unknown:

maybe what is something that I want to take away?

Unknown:

That I want to remember that it may be one line mantra that came

Unknown:

to you some insight that may have come to you and just kind

Unknown:

of taking that away with us into our lives. So that's how Yeah,

Unknown:

I love Italia. What a beautiful explanation. I think that you

Unknown:

went through each step, just listening to it, the way you

Unknown:

describe it and with your voice and and just even I noticed that

Unknown:

the slowing down the really, because what it reminds me of to

Unknown:

is the way that I was taught or not taught to be with my

Unknown:

emotions would be as we always say, kind of suppressing them,

Unknown:

not tending to them. So then we go in our life and we're we just

Unknown:

we

Unknown:

don't even know that we have this whole operating state

Unknown:

underneath, like, seriously. And so that process was beautiful

Unknown:

because I think it mirrors I have studied Suzy Lula's the

Unknown:

language of self compassion, her course might just be compassion

Unknown:

or self compassion. But that has similarities, but it's really

Unknown:

calming down, slowing down, it feels like it's so good for our

Unknown:

nervous system, because like you were saying, when you're in

Unknown:

distress when you have something flare up in your life, if you

Unknown:

have the time and the space, and if you can make the time in this

Unknown:

space, I would say to have the question of Have you witnessed

Unknown:

yourself go from a point of distress to just a radically

Unknown:

different space within that process of rain? Yeah, yes, yes,

Unknown:

thank you, I want to really highlight something you said.

Unknown:

So I told you that I have been practicing this this process. I

Unknown:

have it like on my calendar once weekly. And

Unknown:

time and time again, when I have arrived for the meeting with my

Unknown:

buddy. There has been times where I'm like, Yeah, I have no

Unknown:

idea what I'm going to talk about today. And yet, there is

Unknown:

something that comes up. And, and at the end of it, I am so

Unknown:

grateful that I have this time of checking in with myself.

Unknown:

Because if I didn't, the alternative would be that I

Unknown:

would go around my life projecting all of that pain,

Unknown:

grief, shame onto my kids, especially onto all of my

Unknown:

relationships. So it's been a really powerful practice for me

Unknown:

to just make sure that I process what I would not have otherwise.

Unknown:

And so it's been it's been really helpful in that sense.

Unknown:

And oh, my gosh.

Unknown:

I can't say that it solves all my problems, right? It doesn't.

Unknown:

However, however, even in the midst of my distress, it has

Unknown:

time and time again, helped me move from hopelessness, move

Unknown:

from where I'm just feeling intense shame.

Unknown:

Or just, you know, a lot of sadness into

Unknown:

at least creating space. Yeah, at least creating that little

Unknown:

space where I can

Unknown:

allow

Unknown:

myself to kind of reach in and soothe myself and allow presence

Unknown:

to come through allow

Unknown:

me my wiser self to come through so that I'm not operating from

Unknown:

my shell self in my life as much. And like I said, and then

Unknown:

there's been times where it's allowed a major shift where I

Unknown:

came in with, like, so much distress, and then I'm leaving

Unknown:

with, like, lightness. And, you know, it's, it's just completely

Unknown:

it's a matter of perspective often, right? So it's like,

Unknown:

before, I'm seeing it from just like, from my child's self

Unknown:

level, and then I'm able to take that, like mountain Suzy Lulu

Unknown:

says, mountain top view. So it's been really powerful practice

Unknown:

for me. Oh, it sounds like it. It's just an it's the softening

Unknown:

and it's the inner, I always call it inner dialogue. Like,

Unknown:

you're right back to what you said in the beginning, my inner

Unknown:

dialogue, my whole life has been really harsh, really punitive.

Unknown:

Really. And it's just

Unknown:

something that I, again, on some level accepted that was going to

Unknown:

be, you know, ever present in my life. So we It's proof that, you

Unknown:

know, that we can when we turn inwards, soften in pay

Unknown:

attention, like I like the beginning to recognize the

Unknown:

allow, and without judgment, right. Without that allowance,

Unknown:

just without judgment. Just it's, it's not right or wrong.

Unknown:

That was a big Shefali thing. Just, you know, there's no, but

Unknown:

she always called duality. There's not a rightness or

Unknown:

wrongness. And if we can diffuse and take away any of those

Unknown:

projections that we put upon what we're experiencing as being

Unknown:

bad or wrong, then we allow.

Unknown:

Exactly, yeah, yes, so there is no

Unknown:

judgement in the allowing, while there may be judgment that we

Unknown:

recognize initially like Oh, I'm judging myself. And in the

Unknown:

allow, it's it's turning

Unknown:

Two words. Like, of course, I am allowing, of course, I'm feeling

Unknown:

this way. You know, I think it's Suzy Lulu that says it's so

Unknown:

understandable that I'm feeling this way. And and yes, and

Unknown:

absolutely. It's about that non duality of it, there is no right

Unknown:

or wrong. It just is. And Dr. Shefali talks about, you know,

Unknown:

accepting the isness?

Unknown:

Yes. So it's the same concept. And, yes, I found all of the

Unknown:

teachers to have that underlying theme of, you know, the

Unknown:

acceptance of the present moment. And

Unknown:

what would be the most compassionate thing to do in

Unknown:

this moment, asking ourselves that instead of operating from

Unknown:

what Dr. Shefali might call the ego or Susilo out that might

Unknown:

call the survival self? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I think it comes

Unknown:

to me, thank you for all of that. That just for it, that

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it's a process that we begin, you said something earlier

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about, things can be intellectualized in in our head,

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and it does for our listeners, the work is worthy to begin, I

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mean, you can tell from Tony's explanation, that it's just

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really worthy work. And, and it's a process. And I think that

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even as

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you know, our circle, when we kind of talk about what's going

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on in our lives, you've all even witnessed me, I used to be a

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person that I don't consider myself an intellectual,

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intellectual, but everything would be up here. And then if

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someone else would even try to apply compassion for me, to give

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it to me, I just wanted to just push it away. But that's

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probably a mirror into if you if you know if I push away

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compassion, probably not that great at giving it to myself

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yet. Would you agree with that? Yeah, absolutely. 100% I think

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that

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we often operate from this space of what Tara brach calls the

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trance of unworthiness. So, we have this limiting belief,

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which was an adaptation, a coping mechanism as a child

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where we had to adopt this belief that we are not worthy of

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compassion. And so when we are even given compassion on a

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platter, we feel so uncomfortable, and it's so

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unfamiliar. That it we don't, we're not we're unable to

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receive it. And so, you know, we can want intellectually people

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to be compassionate to us. But it isn't until we turn inwards

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and repairing ourselves and give ourselves that compassion and

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address that limiting belief. Oh, what am I believing? Oh, I'm

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believing I'm not worthy. Okay, is that really true? And, and

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that's how we can shift. And that's when we are able to begin

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to receive compassion. And I think that the more we do that

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anything lesser would probably become unacceptable. Yeah. Yeah.

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Such a great explanation.

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Yeah, and I really love that you have a date with a buddy, when

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you were telling me that, because how perfect. I mean,

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you're creating a space within your weekly calendar that even

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if a person had, you know, once a week, I mean, we want these

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dates to be more often for our working with ourselves. But kind

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of when you were talking about that, I was thinking like, oh,

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wow, fast. I don't usually think about taking myself on a date.

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But it's kind of a nice way to think of it, because we're

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recording ourselves and we're recording that the worthy part

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of ourselves that deserves to be to have this space and what it

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what if there was this world where we did put these dates on

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our calendar with a body with a friend who could process whether

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it was rain, or just sacred listening, and listening, and

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just listening with compassion? And it's just a beautiful

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concept. Yeah, thank you. I really appreciate what you're

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saying. It reminds me of Julia Cameron's book, the artists way.

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And she talks about having dates with yourself. And I love this

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idea of having a date with yourself where you there's a

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surefire way of offering yourself compassion as well as

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processing, you know, emotions that need to be processed. And

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you know, during the week, as I go

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On if something major is happening, and I'm or even

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something actually smaller is happening because I tend to deal

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with the major things. But if it's small, I may just kind of

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say, okay, it was not a big deal. Let's move on.

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And but I can bank on that time that I will come back and handle

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that and process it and integrate it instead of just

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letting it kind of get stuck in my body.

Unknown:

Yeah, I can, I can see even I know you do a lot of the work of

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connection with body. And

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and I don't know, I know that's been seated in your work. Like,

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as you've studied different modalities. It sounds like the

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ones you just described. Absolutely.

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And you also have studied Gabor Ma Tei is compassionate inquiry.

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Is that right? Yeah. And how has that affected your work as a

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coach, and not just with yourself? Because, you know, so

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far you've, you've talked about how you work with yourself, but

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you know, you are a conscious relationship coach, too. So just

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all these modalities and, you know, you use them both, you

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know, like you said, with yourself, but with your clients

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as well. And, yeah, I don't know, if you want to talk a

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little bit about gabaars work or just how it's affected your

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work. Yeah, absolutely. i

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It was an absolute privilege to learn from Gabor. And

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it really shifted, it really shifted how I approach my work,

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because

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Gabor really helped me understand that.

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Some of the, what, what Dr. Shefali, calls eagle or Susie,

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Lulu calls the survival self, the these parts had no other

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choice.

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And, you know, it was a, it was a matter of choosing between a

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child authenticity and their survival, which is basically

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connection with their caregivers. And they had to

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choose connection over their authenticity. And so just really

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having deep compassion for my clients and helping them have

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compassion for those parts of them. Where, you know, they

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adopted these adaptations that Gabor calls a stupid friend who

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still thinks that you're three,

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and still gives you the same advice, which would have been

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really helpful, which saved your life at three, but now, it gets

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you into trouble. So it's maladaptive.

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So yeah, it really has helped me

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have compassion for parts of my clients and their adaptations,

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as well as helping them see that, you know, it's not their

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fault, that those are the coping skills that they had to adopt as

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children. Yeah. And do you see, too, that, you know, what I hear

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you saying is that, when we are presented with certain scenarios

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in our childhoods, that we are watching from a child's eyes,

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that we begin to behave in ways that we have to kind of adapt to

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our environment because possibly our true selves, the way we just

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came into the world wouldn't be tolerated, whether it were if if

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I were a lively child, and every time they were like, your Be

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quiet, you know, I, I grew up with, I think, in the generation

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of seen and not heard. So so many of us did, and that's

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transforming now, which is such a beautiful thing. But

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I learned to be quiet. And then what happened to me is I

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remember and I can see certain pictures of me and my childhood

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of Maureen like good little Maureen. And they'd say, she's

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so quiet, she's so quiet. And I would I would be sitting there

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and I could see the pictures, and sort of wide eyed but taking

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in everything that my elders were saying and then

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transforming that in my mind to I'm likeable. I will be honored

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if I'm quiet, quiet, but is what happens to a person over their

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lifetime that we get to our adult selves into our 30s into

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our 40s into our 50s and we just are feeling this kind of almost

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like friction of what our true self is if we've carried on that

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persona, that mask that survival, that stupid friend for

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that many years, it's gonna come for a lot of us to a head almost

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like it's going to be where whether it's a breakdown,

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whether it comes out, you know, it may be in an illness

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Whether it comes out just in our relationships, is that what you

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see? Is that the right idea? Like for like, just to give an

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example for our listeners? Yeah, absolutely. I think that the

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universe just keeps on presenting us with opportunities

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to wake up.

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And so yes, I think that life keeps presenting us with

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opportunities and reminders that we need to wake up, however,

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because we are in that trance of unworthiness, because we're sort

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of hiding our true selves in order to protect it. Behind

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those adaptations behind that survival self, it's challenging,

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right? And

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thank you for sharing. So vulnerably. I just want to

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acknowledge you that what a testament to this podcast is for

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you to be exercising your voice. You see that message as a child?

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Absolutely. Yeah. Thank you. It's so it's so true. And it's

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the it's been a journey of transformation. And that's,

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that's a really important point you make because I think we can

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look to another and see what they're doing think, oh, oh,

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that's easy for her. But in fact, we all have our stories.

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And we all have where we came from. And that's I mean, if

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someone's sitting with me, whether it's a client or a

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sister or a friend, I know, just by doing this work that we all

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have extensive backgrounds and places and hurts and woundings,

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and, and painful places that we came from. And so and we're in,

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even if we've gotten to a certain point where we can use

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our voice, more and more, or it's all a work in progress till

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the day we die is the way I see it. Absolutely. Yeah, I think

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it's Michael Brown, who says in the presence process that

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I'm not exactly quoting him, but the gist of it was that because

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we're human, we can't escape, that we are going to have some

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childhood wounds, no matter how conscious our parents are. And I

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see that day in my life with my kids. So and yes, it's it's it

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wasn't our fault, like Gabor says, right and as soon as he

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says,

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But it is our responsibility. So life is going to present us with

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opportunities. And often I feel like they look. They're not

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comfortable, they look more like challenges right there. They're

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not necessarily the comfortable places. So it is up to us to

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rise up to the call of life and

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use it for our conscious growth and use it for our awakening.

Unknown:

Yeah, I think it's been such a good conversation around

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compassion, and just the different things you've noticed

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today re parenting,

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coming to our survival mechanisms, our ego, whatever is

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operating within us, that's not working anymore. I think that is

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because I feel like sometimes even if I use the word

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consciousness, that word can seem sort of lofty, and it can

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seem like what does that mean? And but it's everything we're

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talking about today. It's it's all the work that's encompassed.

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We're human, that it's our work on this planet Earth. And I

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think when we're willing to, to begin to listen to these

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conversations to open ourselves up to Oh, wow, I do have these

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emotional worlds operating within me, I'm going to get

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curious, I'm going to be willing, I'm gonna sit with

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somebody who can guide me through it. And I think that's

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such a I just just sitting here listening. It's such a beautiful

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thing that coaches like you can offer is spaces with to sit with

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someone and be with someone who allows whatever is coming up for

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you. But to have these really fabulous tools to tap into

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ourselves in sometimes it is using that, that outside tool

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before we just start to cultivate it and it becomes so

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natural to us. And as we know, we've been practicing for a

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while and it's not always the first thing you turn to. And

Unknown:

right. Yeah, absolutely. We're unlearning not only decades but

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generational stuff here. So it's understandable that it takes a

Unknown:

lot of practice and intention. Absolutely. Yeah. I'm so happy

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you said that because I know one of the cornerstones of your work

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has

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Then the unlearning and the dismantling is or deconstructing

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of what comes down through the generations? Can you talk to

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that a little bit because I just love, I love that area of the

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changes, transformations we're committing to in this lifetime.

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Our, our, our deconstructing what's come before us and

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leading to healing. But I know you can say it better than that.

Unknown:

So what why do you love generational healing so much?

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And what is it?

Unknown:

Great question.

Unknown:

Why do I love generational healing so much? Well, I think

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that, like I already said, it's not our fault, but it's our

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responsibility. So I as a child went through a lot of pain, and

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I'm sure I'm not alone. But I feel this really strong inner

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sense of responsibility to not pass that on to my kids. Because

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I know that pain firsthand. And I, while I had to,

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you know, give up a lot of my authenticity, I am really

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grateful that there is still a piece of me that believes that

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that wasn't right, what was happening. And so and I think, I

Unknown:

think that to some extent, all of us have that, because there

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is this, this spark of consciousness, awareness or

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wisdom that resides in all of us, because that's our essence.

Unknown:

Right? So.

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So I absolutely feel that responsibility of not passing on

Unknown:

the trauma. And I think that

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many people don't realize that it's generational. And also, in

Unknown:

my own journey, as I was very self critical in the beginning,

Unknown:

as a parent, I thought it was just all me I was I was just

Unknown:

failing every day. And, you know, and then just realizing

Unknown:

that, oh, it's actually generational, It's way bigger

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than just even just a few decades of life that I have

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lived. It's way bigger than that. Just even getting real

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with that helped me again, have compassion for myself, you know,

Unknown:

and it.

Unknown:

And it's also really encouraging that,

Unknown:

you know, there will be some generational patterns that I

Unknown:

have broken that my kids would never even know, we're in the

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chain of what was passed down. And while I can break them all,

Unknown:

I want to break what I can. Yes. Oh, such a Yes. Beautiful,

Unknown:

beautiful.

Unknown:

kind of dive into just a little bit of generational healing,

Unknown:

just perfect explanation. Yeah, there's,

Unknown:

I just have to reflect back to you, that the sort of how you

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are alkalizing, your work, both for yourself and for the work

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that you're doing around consciousness and conscious

Unknown:

relationship. Coaching is such a, it's just got so many juicy

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parts to it with the compassion with a generational healing, and

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just all these sub components of those, I think each of us brings

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in what is exactly there for us to heal. But that that allows us

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to, to bring it to the greater world around us. And that's why

Unknown:

I love these conversations so much.

Unknown:

Absolutely. Yeah. Blows me away. Yeah. Well, Tanya, as we're

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finishing up today, I always like to ask, you know, where can

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the listeners find you? If they want to look into your work

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more? And

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just as an addition to that, too? Do you sometimes do

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coaching around some of the mindfulness, some of the

Unknown:

compassion work that we've been talking about today? Yeah, thank

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you for asking that.

Unknown:

I think you can find me on Instagram at Stillwater

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reflections. That's definitely a great place to connect with me.

Unknown:

I do have a website that I am still in the middle of updating,

Unknown:

it's still water reflections.com But like I said, it's not

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updated at the moment.

Unknown:

I do offer workshops from time to time. I also offer mother's

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support groups and I offer a book clubs that are related to

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you know, people who are seekers and healers. And, of course I

Unknown:

offer one on one coaching. Oh, wonderful. Okay, good. Well, I

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always put all the resources in the show notes so people can

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find you. But I just want to thank you so much for being here

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and contributing to our

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Conversations on mystical sisterhood. Thank you Maureen.

Unknown:

It has been such an honor to be here. I really enjoyed it. Thank

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you. Okay, we'll see you next time listeners. I hope that you

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really enjoyed the conversation today. If you did and you know a

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friend who might benefit from it, please share, and we'll see

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you next time.

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Thanks for listening to this episode of mystical sisterhood.

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If you love what you heard, please visit Apple podcast and

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subscribe and leave a review and share with a friend if you're

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called to do so. To learn more about my one on one coaching

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programs, or join the mystical sisterhood membership, visit

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Maureenspielman.com or mysticalsisterhood.com Thanks so