When Grief Strikes Late: Understanding Delayed Healing

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Adele Anderson: A welcome
welcome to the grief Alchemist

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podcast where science meets
Spirit to guide you from

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heartache to wholeness. I'm
Adela Anderson from life coach,

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Adele, and I'm here to hold
space for you for your healing

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journey, because I know grief is
not meant to break you. It's

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meant to evolve you through
powerful conversations, somatic

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healing, insights and soul
nourishing practices. We'll

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explore how to move through loss
with grace, resilience and even

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hope. This is your sacred
invitations to release,

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transform and rise. Let's begin.
Welcome to the grief Alchemist

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Podcast. I'm Adele Anderson from
life coach, Adele, and our goal

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for this is to help you move
through your grief, your trauma,

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your sorrow, and turn it into
both strength and wisdom. I have

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the great privilege of welcoming
Jan Jensen to the podcast today.

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She did attend a retreat called
the bridge. I knew Jan from

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before, but we're going to just,
you know, follow this story. Let

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Jan tell her story of her
husband, caring for her husband,

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ultimately his death. And then
what followed, uh, prior to

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attending retreat, what her
experience was, and now how she

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is moving strong and with
purpose into her future. So

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welcome Jan, tell tell us a
little bit about you, and then

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we'll move into some questions.

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Jan Janzen: Awesome. Well, thank
you, Adele. It's it's fabulous

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to be here, and I am just super
excited to share what I went

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through with you, and I think
even just the grief process,

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because now having been through
it for the first time in my

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life, which is quite remarkable,
since I'm 63 years old, and I

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never experienced grief before.
So somehow I managed to be

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immune to it up until this point
in time. And so I was horrified

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when it happened, because if it
was this bad, why didn't someone

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tell me, like, why didn't we
talk about it, and after as it

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hit me, and I'm and I'm dealing
with it, and I'm thinking, wow,

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like, how long does this go on
for? Am I going to feel this

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terrible for the rest of my
life, and all these questions,

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and I have to say that I've done
some really challenging things

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in my life, as you well, know
this was by far the most

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challenging, and really it
shouldn't have been, because if

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I had been properly prepared for
it, it would have been much

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easier, and that's why I am
super excited to talk about it

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today. I mean, it's painful in
many ways, but I really, I can

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help one person not go through
what I went through. It is all

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worth it. So thank you for
having me, because I really am.

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I'm thrilled to be here, and
it's an honor. So yes, you're

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right. You know, my husband got
sick. It isn't like I didn't

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know that he wasn't
deteriorating. He was and then

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when he really, you know,
really, got sick and I knew he

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was dying again. I felt so I
felt so blessed that I was aware

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of it and that we had the time
together because we did we had a

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couple of years before, yeah,
she did pass away, and by the

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time he did pass away, it was a
relief. I was exhausted, even

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though I had had full time help
just watching someone you love

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literally wither up. I mean, he
weighed 70 odd pounds when he

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died, and it was horrible. It
was one of it was absolutely,

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totally, the awfulest thing I've
ever seen. And I had never seen

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anybody die before. So that's
why I'd never been through

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grief. I had never seen anybody
die. And then it's remarkable

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how what a process it is like it
just doesn't always happen, just

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immediately. It is a long, drawn
out process. So by the time it

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was over, I think all I felt was
relief. And so there was no

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grief for a long time. And I
thought, well, people say, are

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you grieving? And I think, no,
I'm. Actually, I feel fabulous

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because it's done, it's over,
and I was relieved, and I knew I

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couldn't bring them back, and
I'm very pragmatic. I can't

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bring them back, so I'm going to
get on with my life, because

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that's what I do. And then one
day, I woke up and it was like,

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Oh my God. What invaded my body?
Like, this horrible thing

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invaded my body and, like, go
away because I don't like you

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and I don't want you here. And
it didn't go away. And I had no

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idea. I didn't I didn't even
know that was grief. Adele,

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that's the crazy thing. I still
didn't even know it was grief

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because no one was talking to me
about it, and I had no family

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support, not from my side, not
from his side. I. So I, I did

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have, you know, his former psych
nurse who lives next door now.

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And it was finally, in December,
when I was at my wit's end that

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she said, Well, you know, have
you, you know about the five

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stages of grief? And I go, but
what? Well, the five stages of

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grief, but I'm going no, because
you haven't done any research on

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it, no, because I didn't think I
was going through it. That's, I

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mean, that's ignorance at its
finest adult, and it's kind of

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embarrassing to even tell this
story. But I, I'm being

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perfectly honest, I had no clue.

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Adele Anderson: Yeah, you had a
delayed onset, because there was

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so much relief. You know, your
husband was was lose you were

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losing him in the process of his
dying. And so that compound

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grief was happening in the early
stages, but possibly not

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recognized, because there's just
so much to do. Like you said,

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you're so exhausted, and then it
was kind of like you got your

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life back. And this is not an
unusual thing for me to hear in

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that in the beginning, the first
year, I just had another client

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that repeated this, this similar
theme, I was so relieved that I

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had my life back, and then all
of a sudden, wham, she was in

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the grieving process in the
second year, all the busyness

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that needed to happen when
somebody dies, all of the

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paperwork and, you know, taxes
and all those things that have

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to happen do provide us some
structure through the process,

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but we cannot ignore that at
some point the healing has to

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take place. I have witnessed
other women who have lost their

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spouse and they have young
children and they've given

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themselves a rule, I have no
time to grieve right now. I'll,

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I'll grieve when my children are
grown, when they have their own

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house, when they're when they're
settled, and, you know, 20 years

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later, they are unbeknown,
shocked to be in a collapsed

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state. And so the the idea of
the five stages of grief, great,

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but they they do not they do not
happen in a linear line. You do

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not process them, and then
they're gone and you are so

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right? It's a very invisible
pain for other people, because

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if you walked in with a broken
arm, people would rush to your

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side. What can I do for you? But
you walk in with that broken

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heart, and people don't want to
touch it with a 10 foot pool.

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There's very little resources
for people to learn how to talk

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or speak or engage with someone
who's grieving. And so what your

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experience was was you both
unique to you, and then there's

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some universal components.
Before you attended the group,

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the bridge, the Grief Relief
retreat, you had said in your

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testimonial that you thought you
were handling grief, but later

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you realize that you weren't
fully aware of the weight, and

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you had shared with me some of
the ways that grief was being

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expressed for you. And can you
share that?

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Jan Janzen: Yeah, I think I
probably walked from here to

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China like seriously, I paced. I
paced up and down. I live on

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acreage, and I've got a very
long driveway, and I paced that

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driveway a zillion times. I
paced around the house. It was,

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it was like, I could not sit
still. I didn't, couldn't watch

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television, I couldn't listen to
music, I couldn't, I couldn't do

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anything that made me happy. You
was very, very challenging.

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Yeah, it because it was, and it
was a clot, and also a really

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bad claustrophobic feeling, and
so, and, of course, when the

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claustrophobia, if you, let's
say, someone puts a blanket on

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your head, well, you take the
blanket off, and the

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claustrophobia goes away. But
when the claustrophobia is

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internal, like, how do you just,
you know, I'm sorry. I don't

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like this. I think I'll just
leave my body for, you know, the

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next few hours so I could take a
break from this. You can't, you

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can't take a break from
yourself, and you can't take a

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break from the grief. You can't
say I'm sorry. I've had enough.

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Can we come back tomorrow? It
doesn't work that way. And I

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think, because I am a very, you
know, I organize my life. My

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life works well. And this was
something that was so out of my

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control and that I didn't like
that feeling at all. And then

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the pacing was just crazy, so I
couldn't I didn't feel like

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eating, and then I was pacing,
so I literally lost, you know,

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like, something like 3035,
pounds, and for the first time

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in my life, I mean, even today,
I'm actually having to work.

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Look at maintaining my weight,
which is, people go, what a

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blessing. Well, it actually
isn't like it really. It isn't

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when you're are losing weight so
quickly, and you really have to

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be concerned about it. So the
but the pacing, the

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sleeplessness, I you know, I'd
get into bed and I just couldn't

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sleep. And then you toss and you
turn, and then you have another

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day ahead of you. And it was
especially got really bad,

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because as we got into December,
and this was now over two years

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after Greg had passed away, and
here it was December, and of

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course, we have short days, and
I live, you know, farther north

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in British Columbia here, and
I'm alone in a great big house,

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and I'm on acreage. I don't have
a lot of people around me, and I

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am going absolutely crazy and
nuts and thinking, am I actually

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going to survive this? Am I
going to make it through this? I

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Adele Anderson: remember you
shared that you thought you were

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going crazy. You were like, Oh
my I have no way to explain the

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process that I'm going through.
But somewhere there was, there

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was that little switch. I'm so
grateful that you made a last

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minute decision to attend the
treat. I think that you did it

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within a week of when the
retreat was. I think I did it

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within two days, like I just
said, Yes, I need to, I need to

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go. And made it have to go. So
what ultimately led you to say

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yes to yourself and to overcome
any fears and doubts that you

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had about what you would maybe
experience at the retreat,

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Jan Janzen: I think I was at the
point. I mean, I remember

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exactly what happened was I had
two nights where I did not know

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if I was going to live, and it
was only because one of my cats

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did not leave my side for two
nights and stayed with me and

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was like calming to me, and I
learned that a cat's purr is

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actually very, very healing. And
it was only because Simon did

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not leave my side for two whole
nights that I thought, This is

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crazy, if I have to sleep with a
cap to stay safe, never mind

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healthy and well, I mean, if I
had to sleep with a cap as my

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only comfort like I'm in really
deep I'm in deep trouble here.

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And people had talked about your
your workshop, but I thought I

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don't need it. I know what I
should be doing. I'm a minister.

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I've studied spiritual
principles all my life. I teach

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personal development, like, holy
moly, what's wrong with me?

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Like, why can't I fix myself?
Like, I should be able to do

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this. And I think it was that
moment of absolute, total jam.

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Stop it. You can't fix this, and
you need to go get help. And

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within, I think, three days, I
was at your place. I'm grateful

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for that, but I did,

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Adele Anderson: I do remember
you coming through the door and

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you were completely
claustrophobia. And I have 27

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foot ceilings and total light
like floor to ceiling windows,

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and you were in such a such a
state, you know, you choose, you

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chose the bedroom that you felt
had, you know, more natural

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light, higher ceilings and and
then that was the process. But

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you spoke about learning how
grief actually impacts the body,

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which my retreats involve both
the science and the spirit of

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how we engage with deep
emotional pain being held in the

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central nervous system. No, we
can't think our way out of this.

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It's not really the process for
healing grief. What was the most

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eye opening or transformative
moment for you during the

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retreat.

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Jan Janzen: I think because I
had done so much personal

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development work, I mean, I've
walked on fire, I've, you know,

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been to still rebar with my
throat, and I can't get over

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grief, like what you know, kind
of what's wrong with you. And so

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I didn't realize how broken I
was until I came to the retreat,

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and then I realized because
finally I had someone who

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understood, because I had no one
who was giving me any kind of

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support. Cheryl actually my
prayer partner, and was amazing.

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And there was many nights when
she walked me through hours of

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pacing, but she doesn't live
here, so it wasn't like I had

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that one on one, you know, I'm
actually looking at you feeling

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and so I realized that I I was
broken, and I needed tools, and

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I needed tools way beyond what I
had. And that was really, it was

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really, it was really, it was
humbling. And it was also

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really, really, like, happy.
Thank God, someone knows what to

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do with me, because I don't
anymore, right? So it was that

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feeling of total relief as well.

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Adele Anderson: Thank you for
sharing that Jen coming from,

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you know, the background of
psychology. I understand the

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feeling of broken, but nobody's
broken, but I just want to share

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that, that we're moving through
such deep emotional pain we may

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feel that, how do we put the
pieces back together again, and

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that vulnerability of actually
feeling that way? But we did

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many consecutive somatic
processes that helped to shift

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the physiology of the body,
which we call the emotional

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state of the body, while
engaging in processes that

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allowed a simple refocus of the
mind, something that, yes, was

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challenging, like saying the
alphabet backwards, which sounds

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so strange to do, and yet, these
simple processes that we can

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repeat at home have the ability
to alter the physiology of grief

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by changing fundamental
components about our physiology,

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like heart rate, respiration and
body temperature. We can change

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that through actually doing a
physical activity while we

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refocus the mind on something
that's kind of challenging, like

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saying the alphabet backwards,
and you engaged in many of these

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processes. I remember that in
the process of writing a letter

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to grief, and then we did a fire
burning ceremony after that. And

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maybe you can share how these
processes engaged with your body

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and your mind and what you felt.
By the end of the 40s,

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Jan Janzen: there was certainly
a huge shift. And then I think

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the real test, you know, because
I did notice it was a shifting

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and and I was crying less and I
was less claustrophobic. But I

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think the real test is coming
home, because it's easy to feel

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great around you. That's cool is
when you it's when you get home

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and then you go, Oh, I'm here by
myself, and Adele's not here to

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walk me through this. The
Alphabet thing was amazing. And

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and for the first probably week,
I used it a lot. It was it was

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incredible. It's a crazy, yes,
you're right. It sounds

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absolutely, totally crazy. But I
got really good at saying the

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alphabet backwards, and there
was no hesitation anymore. But

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one day I realized that I wasn't
doing it anymore. I didn't need

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it anymore. And that was a
really, that was a really huge

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moment. I remember that
thinking, wow, I haven't done my

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alphabet thingy for a couple of
days, and then it was a couple

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of weeks, and now it's, it's
been a couple of months, and I,

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I don't, I haven't had to use
it. And the day that I could

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color again. And that was huge,
you know, I could color again

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the day, I could listen to music
again. And it was funny, because

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people would say to me, Well,
why don't you just put on some,

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you know, some great music, and
just dance it out. And I would

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say, I would just like, freak
out. And one day I was actually

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it was when I was talking to a
very dear friend, I realized

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that why was because, when Greg
and I were traveling the world,

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we had our little boom box, and
we would put on that kind of

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music and we would dance. And so
it was just such a such a

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poignant reminder of what we had
done together, and I hadn't

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associated it until one day I
did, and I thought, oh my

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goodness, no wonder I can't
listen to music. So it was a

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huge thing. When I actually
could listen to music again,

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when I could color, when I could
sleep through the night, that

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was another big thing. And when
I just, I just felt like, okay,

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it's not like it's over, because
I know this isn't something that

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you, you know you send to the
the garbage dump or whatever.

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It's not gone. It's just not in
my face every day. It's

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obviously, I don't know. Do you
ever 110% get over grief? No, I

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mean, I think that there's
probably always a little piece

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of you that's going to miss the
person that you've lost. That's

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that's obvious, but the good
thing is that I've been able to

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get on with my life again, and
that is huge. Totally, I'm back

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on purpose. I'm back working,
and that feels really good.

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Yeah,

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Adele Anderson: what I what I'm
really grateful for, is the

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processes are lasting, or that's
been my experience with with

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guests, with yourself, that you
know, weeks later, months later,

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people are thriving. And so
that's an that's something that

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I, you know, I'm deeply grateful
for. I loved the the the story.

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Of you know, really the
importance of music, and how you

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and Greg would, you know, dance
your way around the world, and

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then how there was an absence of
joy from that, even without the

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recognition of maybe why. But
then all of a sudden, you know,

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the joy of music returns so or
the lack of sadness when

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listening to music. And so we
begin to be able to look at

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older memories or past memories
again with love, rather than

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with the pain of grief. And you
know, you're exactly right. We

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don't move on. We don't get over
it, but what I believe we do is

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we integrate it and it becomes a
richness. There is something

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known as post traumatic growth,
and when we are really in those

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deep emotional entanglements
with the loss of somebody or the

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trauma of loss, the growth seems
difficult to find, but once that

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central nervous system is calmed
and brought back into

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equilibrium, we begin to see the
strengths that arise, that have

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risen out of the situation. We
become stronger versions of

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ourselves, I think, more
beautiful versions of ourself.

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If you've like you said, you
couldn't have been explained

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what you would go through, what
you would feel, until you've

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actually experienced yourself
and and I have to say, you know,

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I had girlfriends that had lost
their husbands before I lost

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mine, and I didn't have a clue
what they were going through.

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And here I was helping people
with grief and trauma, but the

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the actual experience itself is
so incredibly horrible. You want

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to say that it's unexplainable.
And so the experience does

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enrich us. And so now you know,
if there was one practical tool

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that you took away, did you want
to say that, and then I'd like

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to move into, what does life
look like now for you, because

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I've had two colleagues that
have said, Oh yeah, she's back.

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And I'd like you to talk to
that.

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Jan Janzen: Well, I think, I
think one of the things that i i

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00:22:40,420 --> 00:22:44,920
i Take time now every day. My
coloring never leaves my my

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00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:48,040
dining room table, so even if
it's just, you know, 1015,

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00:22:48,460 --> 00:22:52,780
minutes that I just stop,
because I can get busy. I can

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get really busy, as most of us
can, and it's not like there's

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nothing to do. So was just
taking that time for myself

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where it's not digital. So I'm
not like, just putting myself

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out of a television or something
like that, but I am actually

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doing something that is
creative, and I love it. So it's

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even just doing that. And I
think just getting back to the

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coloring was just a really, was
a really, really bonus, big

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bonus in my life. And I love
that we have adult coloring

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books. Now, I think that's the
totally coolest thing for us,

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that we have that capacity at
this point in time, that we go

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back to being a child again, and
my what's my life like? I think

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one of the biggest things is I
feel different. I feel wiser.

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And and that's, you know, and
people would would say, Good

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00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:47,800
heavens. I mean, I escaped a
cult. I mean, I've lived in a

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cabin with rats, you know,
running up and down the walls.

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I've traveled the world. I've
been to 50 countries. I've lived

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all over the world, you know,
I've done, certainly, lived,

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lived a full life. So how could
this make me wiser? But it, I

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00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:06,720
think it, what it did for me was
open up something that had never

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00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:10,620
been open before, because I
hadn't been through it and and

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00:24:10,620 --> 00:24:13,260
it's, I think, well, my mom
died, and I don't remember

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00:24:13,260 --> 00:24:16,680
grieving, and I didn't grieve.
We weren't close and so, and my

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00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:19,800
dad's, you know, 102 in a week.
So, I mean, I guess he's going

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00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:23,600
to pass some at some point in
time, but you know, again, we

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have nothing in common, and he
doesn't talk to me because of

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00:24:26,180 --> 00:24:30,260
religious differences, so I
don't feel like, yeah, having

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been through grief. So this was
this was it. And wow, am I ever

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a different person, like I
thought I appreciated life

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before, but now I seem to make
decisions faster, even, even

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faster than I used to, because I
think we don't have time to, you

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00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,940
know, peer, get off the pot. Jab
like, either do it or don't, but

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00:24:48,940 --> 00:24:52,540
don't, don't waffle about this,
because time is precious. You

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00:24:52,540 --> 00:24:56,380
know, Greg was only 73 It's only
10 years older than I am right

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now. That's nothing. So that
feeling of. Of not an urgency in

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00:25:01,980 --> 00:25:05,760
a bad way, but just a real
passion and drive to get my

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00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:09,420
message out and to be everything
I'm here to be, and to to leave

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00:25:09,420 --> 00:25:12,960
that. You know, this world a
life of no regrets, and you

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know, I love Hunter Thompson's
home races, you know, Whoa, what

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00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:19,260
a ride. At the end of the day,
you slid in sideways screaming,

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you know, whoa, what would a
ride, and that's what I want to

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do, and that's what I will do.
No doubt about that beautiful,

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beautiful.

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Adele Anderson: I love I love
your energy. I love how you've

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not come full circle, but you
know you're creating your own

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next great moment. I know that
Jan's writing a book. It's going

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00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,040
to be launching soon. Did you
want to tell us anything about

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that before we sign off? Jan,

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Jan Janzen: absolutely. I
thought you changed the name

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00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:51,800
only three times, and I think
it's been a process of the

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00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:54,950
evolution that I have gone
through, because this book is is

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00:25:54,950 --> 00:25:59,210
definitely touching me at it at
a very, very deep level. So the

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book is now called unscript, so
we come into this world with a

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with very little choice, our
parents, our culture, our

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religion, our environment, very
much determines who we are and

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00:26:13,010 --> 00:26:15,710
what we believe, and certainly
being raised in a cult for 30

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00:26:15,710 --> 00:26:18,890
and spending 38 years in a cult,
I know that better than than a

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00:26:18,890 --> 00:26:23,210
lot of People even would. So we
need to we've been handed a

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00:26:23,210 --> 00:26:26,540
script. We are not living our
life of choice. And I'm saying,

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00:26:26,570 --> 00:26:29,630
You know what? You don't know
how long you've got. Are you

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00:26:29,630 --> 00:26:32,300
living the script that was given
to you and handed down to you,

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00:26:32,330 --> 00:26:36,050
or are you living by choice? Are
you making decisions of what how

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00:26:36,050 --> 00:26:39,380
you want to live and what you
want to do so that at the end of

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00:26:39,380 --> 00:26:43,280
your day, you're not saying,
Wow, I wish I had, because

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00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:47,150
that's not the time to be doing.
It's now. So there's, there's

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00:26:47,180 --> 00:26:52,760
certainly a huge impact there in
making the decisions that are

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00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:57,980
tough. And I think by one of my
favorite lines is Indecision is

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00:26:57,980 --> 00:27:01,910
the decision to fail, and people
will spend a hell of a long time

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00:27:01,940 --> 00:27:05,690
in this waffling stage where
they're there. Maybe I will,

388
00:27:05,690 --> 00:27:08,120
maybe I won't, maybe I will,
maybe I will, oh, maybe I should

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00:27:08,120 --> 00:27:13,910
do and just stop, stop it. Just
stop and make the decision and

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00:27:13,910 --> 00:27:17,240
go do it, because you won't
regret making the decision and

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00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:19,910
going and doing you'll what
you'll regret at the end of your

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00:27:19,910 --> 00:27:23,510
day is all this time that you
spent wasting in this nomads

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00:27:23,510 --> 00:27:24,830
land of indecision,

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00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:30,440
Adele Anderson: Beautiful
realization, some wise words,

395
00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:32,540
it's going to be a great book.
I'm looking forward to reading

396
00:27:32,540 --> 00:27:34,700
the whole thing. I did have an
opportunity to read a few

397
00:27:34,700 --> 00:27:41,900
chapters. Was very just excited
for Jen to launch this this

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00:27:41,900 --> 00:27:46,580
book. Want to thank you for
being a guest on the grief

399
00:27:46,580 --> 00:27:50,540
Alchemist podcast today. Jen, I
think that it's a powerful

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00:27:50,540 --> 00:27:54,020
message to share, and I just
want to give you a little bit of

401
00:27:54,020 --> 00:28:01,130
gratitude, and hopefully we'll
be sharing some time in the

402
00:28:01,130 --> 00:28:05,030
future, very soon. So thank you
for for joining me today.

403
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:07,020
Jan Janzen: Thank you for having
me.

404
00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:10,200
Adele Anderson: Alright,
everybody. This was another

405
00:28:10,200 --> 00:28:14,280
episode of The grief Alchemist.
I hope that you enjoyed it, and

406
00:28:14,280 --> 00:28:18,600
hope to be talking with you in
person soon. If you or someone

407
00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:20,960
that you know is grieving,
please have them connect with

408
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:23,960
me. I don't believe that we were
ever meant to live with

409
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,840
emotional pain. We just haven't
been taught how to release it,

410
00:28:27,200 --> 00:28:32,600
and it's actually easier than
you think, um, gentle somatic

411
00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:35,660
processes to calm your central
nervous system and get you

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00:28:35,660 --> 00:28:40,660
feeling back to yourself and
even more empowered, stay well

413
00:28:40,660 --> 00:28:48,520
out there. Bye. Now, thank you
for joining me on the grief

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00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:52,480
Alchemist podcast. If today's
episode resonated with you, I

415
00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:55,720
invite you to share it,
subscribe and please leave a

416
00:28:55,720 --> 00:29:00,840
review, if it helps others find
this space of healing. I am

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00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:05,940
truly grateful. Remember brief
as a passage, not a destination,

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00:29:06,420 --> 00:29:10,920
and until next time, please take
a deep breath, trust your

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00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:14,220
journey and know that you're
never alone. You.