REAL Life Adventures in Living: Embracing Difficulties and Pain by Using Them to Be Stronger and More Resilient – Part I with Guest Terry Tucker | EP 024

Welcome to Mastering life's adventures, an educational podcast about tapping into your true self, the soul, your soul, the substance of your life, to discover what life's ups and downs are really about, and how to have a greater sense of purpose, peace, joy, and fulfillment. I am Dr. Judith holder and your host, Coach psychologist Delos seeker, he enjoys diving into the connections between spirituality, psychology, wellness, and your everyday life's adventures. All comparing and polishing you like the fast is a magnificent diamond to be your best self. If you're craving more from your life, you are in the right place. Come let's journey together and transforming what you know. And to who you really are mastering Life's adventures begins now.

This is Dr. Judith from mastering life's adventures. This is a segment on Real Life Adventures. And I have a special guest. And that guest is Terry Tucker. And he is here to talk a little bit about his life adventures that he has had now has released to embracing the pain and difficulty that we sometimes have, and sometimes unexpectedly, and how do we move towards that point of resilience in our interactions, and in our being and who we show up in a day to day basis. So I want to welcome Terry, and ask him to share a little bit more about himself. And then we'll take it away.

Well, Judith, thanks for having me on. I'm really looking forward to talking with you. Today, I'll try to give you the condensed version of my life born and raised on the south side of Chicago, I am the oldest of three boys, you can't tell this from looking at me or from my voice. But I'm six foot eight inches tall and play college basketball at the Citadel in Charleston, South Carolina. I was actually the first person in my family to graduate from college. And I remember, you know, I was all set to make my mark on the world with my newly obtained business administration degree. And I look back now and realize how little I knew about business just because I had a degree professionally, I started out the corporate headquarters of Wendy's International, the hamburger chain in their marketing department. Then I moved to hospital administration. And then I made a major pivot in my life and became a police officer. And one of the jobs I had when I was in law enforcement was I was a SWAT team hostage negotiator. After that I got out of law enforcement started a school security consulting business, Coach girls, high school basketball, wrote a book in 2020. But for the last 10 years have been dealing with a rare form of cancer, a rare form of melanoma. And then finally, my wife and I have been married for almost 30 years, we have one child, a daughter, who's a graduate of the United States Air Force Academy. And there's an officer in the new branch of the military, the Space Force,

Oh, neat. It's a wealth of experiences that you've had. And one of the things that we I wanted to focus on is, as you've lived your life, and different experiences that you had, one of the areas that we're talking about today, is this kind of embracing the pain and difficulty, and share a little bit more about that with maybe a couple of stories. And then you know, and as I have thoughts about it, as well as soul evolution perspective, I will share my thoughts as well.

Yeah, I mean, what when I first got cancer, you know, I was like everybody, I was just living my life. I was, you know, working, spending time with my family and things like that. And at the time, I was a girls high school basketball coach in Texas, and countless break open on the bottom of my foot. And I initially kind of ignored it because as a coach, you're on your feet a lot. But after a while of it not healing. I went to see a podiatrist, a foot doctor friend of mine, and he took an x ray and he said, Tara, give a cyst in there and I can cut it out. And he did, and he sent it off to pathology. And then two weeks later, I received a call from him. And as I mentioned, he was a friend of mine. And the more difficulty he was having explaining to me what was going on, the more frightened I was becoming until finally he just laid it out for me. So Terry, I've been a doctor for 25 years, I have never seen this form of cancer, you have an incredibly rare form of melanoma that appears on the bottom of the feet or the palms of the hands. And as a result he recommended I go to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston and be treated. But when I found out that diagnosis, I think I went through all the stages that we would associate with grief. You know, first it was denial, I can't possibly have cancer. I've done everything right in my life. And then I got mad. And then I got to a point where I have rarely Large faith life fairly deep faith life. And I was starting to bargain with God, our daughter was in high school at that time, and it was like, Hey, God, just let me live long enough to see her graduate, you know, if that worked out, and then I got down, I got depressed. And then I got to a point where it was like, you know, what, I don't like the cards that I've been dealt. But I'm gonna have to play these cards to the absolute best of my ability. And I think I've been doing that for the last 10 years, you know, our brains are just, they're hardwired to avoid pain and discomfort, and to seek pleasure. So to the brain, you know, the status quo, the way things are right now, hey, it's comfortable. Its familiar, just leave it alone. But what I found is the only way you're going to grow, the only way you're going to improve, the only way you're going to get better, is if you step outside those comfort zones, and do things that make you uncomfortable, I try to do this every day. And I'll certainly recommend it to your audience, do one thing every day, that makes you nervous, that scares you, that makes you uncomfortable. That's potentially embarrassing. It doesn't have to be a big thing. But if you do those small things every day, when the big disasters in life hit us, and they hit all of us, you know, we lose somebody close to us, you know, we get fired from our job, we find out we have a chronic or terminal illness, you'll be so much more resilient to handle those things than the people who never really kind of get started with their life at all.

That is such a very good point. And one of the things sometimes when we're struggling with uncertainty of why this is happening to me, and the point that you're making, you're bound to something that you can appreciate and enjoy each and every day that may be a little bit different from what you're wanting to do. I think that's so important. But this piece that you're talking about, about the uncertainty, and what this means and the different stages of grief that you went through this is sometimes we don't realize, at the soul level, at a soul level, is it really an opportunity that the soul is going to grow in so many different ways or potentially, that he allows it evolved? That we have to sometimes also take quiet moments to and go in and figure out so what is the lessons? What are the things I can learn? What is it that you want me to be able to see and do here because sometimes you may contact other people that you may cause or your condition that you wouldn't have contacted otherwise, that adds some value to their life in some particular ways? Because they see how you're managing your particular situation. What are your thoughts about that?

Yeah, when you were saying that I was reminded of a story, I am still being treated, I have tumors in my lungs right now. And, and I'm treated at the University of Colorado hospital every three weeks. And when this story about a nurse that was taking care of me, when I first met this nurse, she was already a nurse, but she was in training on the unit where I was being treated. And about, I don't know, eight months ago or so she was taking care of me by herself. And she's she's a young woman. She's about 25. And she said to me, Terry, I've got a great story I want to tell you, but I'm a little uncomfortable telling you. And I didn't really know how to respond to that. You know, I mean, what do you say when somebody says that as well, I think I would enjoy hearing it, I hope you you would find the courage to tell it to me at some point in time. So we go about our business or about two hours later, she comes back and she sits down. I was sitting in a chair in a room and she sits down the base like right here store. She said when I first met you, I was going to get out of nursing, she said I had a very good friend of mine that had just died. I was in a very dark place. I talked to my parents. So I was going to get out of nursing and I was going to go to work for Amazon. And then I met you and I see what you go through every day when you're here for treatment. And I went back and I read your story. I read your 10 years of all the things you know having your foot amputated your leg amputated, and all the things you've been through. And she said then I will after I read your story, she said I knew I was where I was supposed to be. Now she would have never told me that story. I would have had no idea that my my life and had a positive impact on her. When I was growing up. There was a basketball coach at UCLA by the name of John Wooden, who had a great saying and it went like this a careful person I want to be a little person follows me. I dare not go astray for fear they may go the same way. So you know, I always tell people you have no idea who's watching you have no idea who I don't care what your circumstances are. I don't care how bad you think you have it. There's always somebody out there that's watching was like I give anything to just walk for five minutes in your shoes. So absolutely. Your life has an impact on people whether you know what or not.

Yeah, and it's so it's so liberating to know that this experience that you're going through, yes, it has a personal impact upon you, but it also there's a higher Purpose, there's a higher reason. And we don't always understand all those reasons, certainly. But we can know that if it's in our pathway of a seeker, and we're moving on the seeking ground, and we're really trying to do God's will and our interactions, and we know, it's not happenstance, it'd be wish it was, but it isn't, you know, happenstance. So there's some growth and development that's happening for us at a soul level. And also, it helps to shape what someone once said, our character who we want to be and how we want to show up, as well.

Absolutely. I and you know, you made a point earlier, you know, we start down the road toward a goal. And then we we been up against an impediment, something gets in our way, and we can't, we can't get over it, we can't get around it. We can't do it. So we quit. But we don't just quit. We've got to blame somebody for you know, we got to blame our parents or our station in life, or our boss or whatever. Very few people take personal responsibility for their own success and happiness in life. And when I got cancer, people were like, Well, who do you blame my book? What do you mean? Who do I blame? So what you have to blame somebody because you got cancer? said, No, I don't, I don't blame anybody at all. And then when people found out I had a faithlife, they were like, well, you must blame God. And I used to joke with him. I'm like, No, I don't think God got up on a Tuesday morning checked his to do list and said, Terry Tucker cancer today. I don't believe that at all. But what I do believe, is God has given me the strength to get through these past 10 years.

Yes, and it's, it's as if you been able to have the industry strong to your faith. And that's what the soul wants more to, it wants us to know that it exists, and that we can be able to integrate and ask our soul. What is this that God is trying to show me not only that, but also what are the gifts of strength, fortitude, of persistence, you know, that we can sometimes draw upon, because of that faith based the approach that you're taking, and also because the soul is trying to figure it out, too. And so if you're taking that stillness, you in the soul become more one, and you're realizing through intuitiveness, I just need to do this over here. I need to do this over here, as we saw going in the right direction, and we realize we meet a person, or we read a book, or we get involved in a particular activity. And we realizing, hi, the way I was two years ago, it's not who I am now, the way I was 10 years ago, it's not who I am now, because I'm continuing to evolve and grow. Yeah,

you're absolutely right. And, you know, when I when I wrote my book, people were like, You should write a book, you should write a book, you show up. And I was like, Absolutely, no, I'm not a writer, I this is not something I should do. And there's sort of that old joke that goes, you know, when we talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks to us, it's called schizophrenia. So, you know, I don't believe, you know, God has never talked to me. But I think what God does is put people in our path that say, Hey, Terry, yada, write a book. Hey, Terry, how to write a book, hey, Terry era, and the more people that do that, I kind of fail. I'm like, wait a minute, maybe this is God's way of saying, Look, Terry, I'd like you to write a book. It's up to you, you have free will you have free choice you can do when you want to do, but I'm telling you, I'd like you to do this, you can go over here and do and do whatever. But I want you to do this. And so I always say I wrote the book. But I think it was inspired by something much bigger than me.

Yeah, I, I hear you loud and clear, because of the promptings that we get. And sometimes we don't pay attention to the promptings. But after a while I'm the person is saying the same thing and becomes a theme. And this is what I say you have to look at for the soul. Because the soul is teaching you through these themes, and what it needs and what needs to happen. And for you to continue to walk that spiritual path, or be truly a seeker and wanting to be your best in whatever way that is coming your way. So that's a wonderful thing. And that's similar to what happened to my book, too. It's actually was a prompting for me to be able to do and it's like, everyone has a great book in them. So my podcast is based upon mastering life's adventures, but as the master maximum ventures on the beam, which is a beam of light, and that's a balance beam in terms of how we live our lives, and a beam of light, which is that from the God's source, beaming down upon us and giving us inspiration and guidance. So what I hear in many regards, is that you actually have your intuitive nature by understanding maybe what other people are bringing to you, but also then you hear that and then you say, okay, there must be something I need to do here. So let me kind of look at that and move forward with that. Is that accurate to say? Absolutely. It's very and it's very nice. because I think our soul talks to us to our intuition, and through all their life experience that are being brought our way. And the more that we're in tune to and start to ask our soul to say, Okay, what do I need? Like you're tapping into yourself, not in the schizophrenic way. But you're talking to yourself in a more and internal way, saying, What is it that you want me to learn here? Like, it's like, you're having this nice chat with your inner self. Because then once the soul has that awareness, it starts to awaken to say, you really want my attention.

And you make an incredibly important point. And I, I just finished reading a book called do hard things by a man by the name of Steve Magnus. And in the book, he talks about this individual, this researcher who did an experiment pretty much with young people, he put them in a room that had no windows in it, but just a door. And the only thing in the room was a desk, and a chair. And they were not allowed to take any devices in their phones, their iPads, whatever, they they needed to be in there, and they were going to be in there for 15 minutes. The only other thing in the room was a buzzer on the desk, that if you pressed it, you would get an electric shock. And he put, you know, different ages different, you know, men and women and things like that, and of 67% of the men, and 25% of the women shocked themselves, including one man who shocked himself every five seconds for 15 minutes. And the conclusion was, the younger people, they like the distractions. And again, I'm making a huge generalization here, I think we could all you know, points sometimes be guilty of wanting a distraction, something to get us away from the way things are right now. But after reading this, I spend 510 minutes every day, just alone with myself, you know, just alone so that, as you say, you know, can you understand the voice of God, you know, can you understand the spirit, because a lot of times, God's not screaming at you. And even if he was given all the distractions that we have, could we even hear them, I think God speaks more than a whisper more to our heart. And if we're quiet and can be alone with ourselves, and I'm not talking about meditating, I'm just talking about just sitting somewhere by yourself, and letting your thoughts go, where they go and listening to what's going on in your heart, I think we would all be a lot better off if we could do that.

And that's still very true. But one of the things I find sometimes is people don't like to be by themselves,

Oh, you're right.

And it's a very thing that down becomes a distractor. Because the salt, nice, quiet time for you to get in contact and connect it with it. What happens is, as many times we have the sense of emptiness that's going on, and we're thinking that all these things will fill that emptiness. So we get the car and we get this we get them and whatever it may be. And it ends up being but it's still not enough. Because it's something that you know, that is and you've been really actually doing is by sitting with yourself, you're actually being able to evolve in yourself. So who you were a year ago, is probably a little bit different to who you are now, because of the promptings and the intuition and the guidance that's given to you. And also it's a comfort that's given to us as well. Because as you said, you'd have to go every three weeks to the hospital. And so there's something that's giving you the fortitude to keep on doing it. Keep on moving forward. Tell me more.

Yeah, I had a seems like all my stories are about nurses and either nurses or basketball. So I had a nurse who asked me fairly recently, she said, What was it? What was it like to have your foot amputated in 2018 and have your leg amputated in 2020? And I've told her I said, it hasn't been easy. I'm still learning how to walk again with a prosthetic. You know, when you're six foot eight, falling is not a good thing. You know, you can tend to hurt yourself from that height. But but when I told her was, cancer can take all my physical faculties, but cancer can't touch my mind. It can't touch my heart, and it can't touch my soul. And that's who I am. That's who you are. Judith, that's who anybody who's listening to us is, but we spend so much time am I wearing the right clothes? Am I driving the right car? Is my hairstyle good? And we spend a lot of time working on that stuff. And I'm not telling you don't go to the gym, don't eat right? Don't I'm not telling you not to do any of that stuff. But maybe there needs to be a better balance of working on our physical bodies versus working on who we really are our heart, our mind and our soul because this body this vessel is really just a house for housing, who we really are.

Right, exactly. So what so well said and so much what I say is You know, we're, we're the spirit that exists within that that spark or that soul essence that exists within us. That is what something we don't necessarily be able to touch. And therefore, since we can't touch it, then we don't think exist, but it actually exists and is housed within this physical form the house that you mentioned, as well as the awareness that the more that we pay as much attention to this inner self that exist, the more that we get in contact with something greater than ourselves less that we spend a contact with that spirit spark, that essence that exists within us, the more we get further and further away from the trueness of who we really are. And so we end up being in the ego persona. And the ego wants this ego wants that it always wants. So it's never satisfied. But the soul essence learns the satisfaction because it's tied in something greater than itself, which is that sole source, the god source, the I Am Presence, which becomes so important for when we do go through stressful and weary times that we do have a sense that I'm still being held, you know, I used that analogy, a metaphor about the skateboard, the cork and water, or the being a trampoline in each experience gives us something that allows us to understand to get a better perspective about things sometimes that cork and water that you may have experienced certain experiences you've gone through. And last is the flow, just to be able to be in essence of that comfort that we need at that time. Sometimes the trampoline is like, I don't get it. So I'm bouncing on that trampoline to see something greater, something higher. I say, Well, there's a higher purpose here, you know, for me, and then the skateboard is like, this is really going too fast. Let me slow things down. And let me see what it is I need to see that I'm not seeing Lord, no. And so you slow things down to be able to take that look forward or backwards. So the President that allows you to be able to continue on your road of being a seeker thoughts about

that. Yeah, I you know, I think one of the things that, you know, I started playing basketball when I was nine years old and played all the way up till I graduate from college when I was 21. And I think what, for me, it was a team sport, I don't think it has to be sports, I think it can be whatever team you aren't, you know, your whether it's your family, your colleagues, whatever. But I think one of the things that team sports taught me, and I really think this is this is something that we all want, that we all desire, whether we realize it or not, is the importance of being part of something that's bigger than yourself, you know, you realize on a team, or at least I did that if I don't do my job, not only do I let myself down, but I let my teammates down, my coaches down, the fans down, etc. And if you think about it, the biggest team game that we all play is this game of life. And I am on a clinical trial drug now that more than likely is not going to save my life. But it might save the life of somebody five years from now, 10 years from now who I'll never know who I'll never meet. But to me, that's part of being part of something that's bigger than you that you know, I go to the hospital every three weeks I go through this, this difficulty this pain, and it's not you know, it's not going to say my life. But it's bigger than me. It's not just about me. And I think a lot of times, I guess let me back up for a second. You know, you're looking at me right now. There's no s on my chest. I don't have a cape and fly around with magical powers. You know, I am a human being I have bad days I cry I get down. I feel sorry for myself. But when I do that, I'm looking inward. You know, what was Uteri? A tough day, okay, you know, and I find a way to get around them to get out of that is to now look outward. Who can I help? Who can I make a difference in their life? Can I pick up the phone and call a friend of mine? Can I you know, I'm at the hospital a lot? Is there somebody hey, you want to have a cup of coffee? Or do you just want to sit and talk and stuff like that? That's now all of a sudden my focus is not on me. It's on somebody else. And it's amazing how your attitude changes when you're not thinking how bad you have it and you're in a process of helping another individual.

And you know, that is the true essence what our soul wants, our soul wants to serve. And in the process of serving, we're actually glorify God because a we become then that true givingness through someone else who may be very much more in need than what we are, in some ways. So what I heard you say is yeah, I when I had those down days, which we all were human, do have, but you step out of that and try to figure out how can I serve and help others and so you are actually moving to a greater sense of you know, what, how can I make this day count? That's how I hear it, you know, in the midst of everything that's going on and a crummy day, you know, how can I make this I count for God. And that's what our soul wants. Because each step along the way, allows a soul to be able to say, Okay, you overcame that hurdle, you didn't get sucked into that sinkhole. You didn't stay there, you got out of it. Do you decide to do something for someone else? Being go? Let, can we do more of that?

Yeah, think how great the world would be if that was our attitude, you know that it wasn't all about me that it was what can I do to help another individual?

Yeah, and there's something that you have said that you will do when you're having a bad day and I think are seekers maybe interested in hearing is, is that there's somehow you don't allow yourself to get into that sinkhole or get into that depression or that anxiety? He doesn't mean you don't feel it, but you don't stay there. So what's the impetus that allows you to say, I see you, but I'm not going down that road?

Yeah, I mean, the impetus is really, this, you know, it goes back to just what I said, it's not about me, it's about us. And I read a another book that I read, it's called Legacy, and it's about the New Zealand national rugby team, they're called the All Blacks, because their uniforms are all black. And by most accounts, they're the most successful sports franchise of any sport in any country of all times. And when they're looking to bring a new player on, they, you know, you would think, okay, um, I want somebody that's technically good at Rugby. And I don't know anything about rugby. So I'm not really going to be able to go down that road too much. But what what they say is, there's two things that they're looking for, as a teammate or a coach, one is character, what kind of person are you? How do you handle defeat? How do you handle negativity in your life? When we lose? Do you go home and kick the dog? Because if that's the kind of person you are, that's not, that's not the individual we want on our team. And the second thing is, they look for humility. And I think back on my life, when it was like, you know, I'm going for a job interview, and you prepare you, you know, you're trying to figure out what questions am I going to be asked? And you've, I always felt, well, I better have all the answers to these questions, or I don't stand a chance of getting this job. But what they say is, we understand that individually, you may not have the answers to these questions, but us collectively, us as a team will figure out the answers to those questions. So you know, we tend to think we're alone, we tend to think that we're, you know, I'm in this by myself, you're not, I mean, we're all here and we're you know, we all have a soul, we are all here because of you know, a love that hopefully, you know, most of us love that our parents had for each other and stuff like that, we were created out of love, you're not alone, help other people, if you can do that I'm telling your life is going to be so much more fulfilled, regardless of how bad your life may be.

Wow, that is so wonderfully said. And it really is the awareness that that loves us. Uh huh. And do we need to love ourselves and love ourselves. And sometimes that's where it begins was how do I show appreciation for myself. And one of the ways we can do that by showing appreciation to others, because it's through the law, the one principle that that would give to another and I appreciate and love and care for them, I can also have the energy come back off on me, and know that I can appreciate and love myself as well. And not the same as the economists, they have to be different things. But they're all a part of the same pie, or a pool of energy in which we're existing in. So that's wonderful. He said, I love the fact about the character, and humility. And I think that's one of the qualities of a soul too, is there's a great humility the soul has, and also a greater sense that he wants to have integration, that integrative ness is the quality of a character that you build that's not based upon the ego, but it's based on the substance of life experiences of humility, or gratitude, of appreciation, and so many other different other qualities that we certainly can talk about. But I appreciate what you said there. Because it sounds like that is something that has allowed you to me move through some of those pain points, you know, that you've had, you know, in your life and difficulties that you've had to experience as well.

Yeah, I mean, difficulty. I mean, nobody gets through this world without having any, any discomfort or that, you know, there's that old quote that says, you know, pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. You know, we're all going to have some type of pain, some kind of discomfort in our life. And you know, it doesn't have to be cancer or or terminal illness. Sir or anything like that, I mean, you can break up with your boyfriend or your girlfriend or you know, you have a fender bender on the way to work or you don't get the promotion, you know, at the office that you think you deserve. Pain is inevitable suffering, sufferings, optional sufferings, what you do with that pain? Do you use it to make you a stronger and more resilient individual? Or do you wallow in it and feel sorry for yourself and want others to feel sorry for you, you know, instead of running from pain, instead of trying to get away from it, I've come to the point in my life. And believe me, you know, I'm sure people are like, Well, you could do that I could never do that. I am the biggest wimp in the world, I do not like doctors can't stand get stuck by needles, I am biggest in the world. If I can do this, you can do this. Take that pain and suffering. And flip it inside, burn it as fuel use it as energy to make you a stronger and more resilient individual.

Wow. So very nicely put. And I like to kind of continue with Terry in a second part, because his purse part has been very enlightening, and very encouraging. And also allow seekers to be able to understand that there's a mindset that we can have, which becomes also a skill set that we can embody and be a little bit more actively engaged in, and then the process of our living our lives. So on that note, is there any last comment you want to make before we move to our next part?

Yeah, but let me let me end with this. And I, I have recently come to understand this. And I, I sort of kicked myself, I wish I'd known this earlier. You know, we all we tend to think that you know, when we graduate from high school or college or wherever we get when we finally get out into the world, we tend to act as though we are an empty vessel. And that vessel needs to be filled up. So we need to get a good job and make a lot of money, we need to drive a certain car, we need to live in a certain area, we need to have a certain position in our in our job or our company. And so we consume we fill ourselves up. And I think you talked about this earlier, the more we fill ourselves up the the emptier, we become what I would like to suggest is maybe this instead of thinking we're born empty, and we need to spend our lives filling ourselves up, maybe we look at it this way. We're born full, and our life should be about emptying ourselves out for the betterment of ourselves, our family, our friends in the world. So I'll end it on that note,

very nicely cemetery. And it's been a delightful opportunity to have time to spend with you to talk about these things. And also, where would they reach you if they wanted to kind of reach out to you?

So I have a blog called motivational check every day put up a thought for the day. And with that thought usually comes a question about how maybe you can apply that thought in your life. I have recommendations on the site for books to read videos to watch and things like that, but you can leave me a message there as well. And it's simply motivational. check.com Excellent. So

And on that note, and seekers. I hope you enjoyed this, and we look forward to you to continue with us in the second segment.