Insync with the In-laws | EP25

Welcome to our love space. Today, we are going to jump right in to thinking about a big, a big, big topic for us today, and that is our relationships with our in laws. So I know right off the bat, some of you are probably already feeling a little bit just as I said that a little bit defensive, and that's okay. That means that this is the episode for you. So if you are listening to this episode as it drops you, and you are with me up here in Canada, then you know that Thanksgiving, Canadian Thanksgiving, is about a week ish away, and you know, at first, because, you know this time of year and with harvest festivals going on and things like that. And you know, maybe we're just more thinking about the partying and the sharing of drinks and things like that, rather than the actual gratitude and thankfulness we have for the abundance in our life. But anyways, so that's where kind of my brain was going, was thinking about how to bring more gratitude into our relationships. And then, you know, as I thought about that, and thought about a lot of the couples I work with, you know, it's really the case that these kind of family, holidays and events with with people and their in laws with couples and they're in laws and extended family, they can often seem like a draining curse rather than a blessing. And how hard is that, that these times where we are supposed to be joining together, you know, for some social health time, joining together to eat and laugh and reconnect with our extended families, who maybe we only see a few times a year, that these can actually be the times of our biggest stressors and worries as a couple, right? Instead of filling up our couple social cup together, right? Our social cup as a couple together, it can be straight up training, you know, for a lot of couples, the build up even to these time with their in laws, you know, causes disconnection between them as a couple. Never mind just the suckiness of getting through that family dinner, but it could be causing fights all the way on the car ride there, or even days before right in laws can start to become a no go topic for some couples, that can be really hard, especially, say, if you, like your own parents and your partner and them have difficulties getting along, or their relationship is a little strange or disconnected, right? And vice versa, um, or if you both are, you know, maybe the the black sheeps of your family and you both feel a little disconnected from either sides of your family, but not so much that you won't show up to the family gathering and events so without getting caught up and, you know, rehashing the past and in childhood drama and things like that, because that's not what we're here to do, right? We don't do that here at Spark forever. We don't do that on love quirks. On Love quirks. We're all about being in the moment and thinking about what's going on in our relationship and our social relationships at the moment, and figuring out ways to have a new perspective on that and ways to move forward through that. So you know, we're going to start with one of my favorite things, or this, you know, whole episode, as most are, are about my favorite things, which is pulling things out into that big picture, so we can kind of get that big idea of what's going on, and then we're able to see how the details of our relationships fill up that big picture piece. That's really the the important part, right? Because you're going to be, you guys are all different people out there. You all have different dynamics with your family and with your in laws. But if we can actually bring it out into that big picture piece, then we can hopefully give you a bit of a reframe. We can hopefully give you a bit of a new perspective on it, and that's going to give you some guidance on moving forward with them. As we know here, your thoughts, right? Our thoughts, which is really the details that make up our perspective, that our thoughts lead to our feelings, and it's not the other way around. So if we can reframe at least some of our thoughts about our in laws, then we can at least start to reframe some of our feelings about them. Well, that's pretty refreshing, right? And if your feelings on them start to become more open, start to become more understanding, then we can start to create some more opportunities and instances to have a better connection with them, right? Just like in our relationship with the love of our life with our LOL, right? The more we can have a better understanding of the big picture thing and what details, what actions and behaviors are filling in those big pictures, right? Are filling in those foundational pieces. The better we're able to change those details, the better we're able to move. Forward, and when we can change that perspective and change those details, as we all know with our love of lives that we've been working on, right, whenever you come here in our little love space, that's the that's the way we move forward, right? That's the way we make those those opportunities to actually share a smile or a laugh or, you know, a good connection piece, and then that, that's the seed, that's the spark that helps us move forward. So I will put in the cap. I will put in this caveat, though, that this is not for those situations, those in law situations, or parent Situations, Relationships where the disconnect is very extreme, like if there was abuse or abandonment, or, you know, addiction has taken place, those situations, those disconnected relationships, there they are, maybe beyond disconnected. And so, you know, you're going to need, indeed, you will need to do more intensive work on them. That's, you know, that's the road for for counseling and and for a whole different process that needs to take place before you would get to the processes that we're talking about here, or to the reframing of perspectives that we're talking about here. I will also be saying that it, I will also, throughout this podcast, be using in laws, but that can also mean your own parents, because we are sometimes can be a little disconnected even from our own parents, but can really also be as we know, any family relationship where we are feeling disconnected as we know. The things that I talk about here are really just about all of our social health, about all of our relationships. So again, the pieces we talk about here will work for any of your family relationships. And we've a lot of these pieces we've actually already talked about on love quirks and how they work in your romantic relationship with your love of life. So it's also important to remember that even though you didn't get to choose your in laws, or you didn't get to choose your extended family, right? Your in laws came with your LOL, so you chose your LOL, you chose your love of life, and then they just kind of came along with it. So we have to remember that these are still just other humans, right, that we have social relationships with, and that's it. It's that simple, even though they are family, even though they are blood, even though there may be a cultural narrative and context about that, that you're a grown up, they're a grown up, or you're a human that makes choices to spend time with them, and they are also a human that makes choices to spend time with you, and that even fits for those of you who make choices to not spend time with those humans, right? And there's probably good reason for that, hopefully. So there you go. So those are kind of my little, my little disclaimers to start all right. So as we know with our social relationships, just like we've talked about already, that there are some foundational and fundamental, big picture pieces that need to be in alignment between you and that other human to make your relationship work, right? So we've talked about how things can get hard and draining between you and your LOL, right when some of these big picture pieces are not in alignment. And again, that's the same with our in laws. So we're going to touch on four big kind of pieces and how they might play out with your in laws, rather than with your love of life. And they are also the pieces that we have chatted about already. As I just said, you know, chatted about in other episodes. So the first is expectations. And we actually just just talked about this a few episodes ago. And if you haven't had a Listen, please go back and do it's a double episode where, you know, we kind of go through the framework and the ideas, and then I give you a little challenge, and then you can come back and listen to the second part. I think it's called Making expectations great again. So do have a listen. You may surprise yourself and find out that you have hidden expectations for your partner that you didn't even realize you were holding them accountable to. So it's it's an eye opening one, and this is actually the same with your in laws, if for whatever reason, they have expectations for you in joining into their family that you aren't aware of, or maybe you're kind of aware of but you don't feel comfortable with, or maybe you didn't realize that was making what was making you feel uncomfortable was that that you're not living up to an expectation, then there's going to be a disconnect, right? They are expecting one social interaction from you, and they are getting something different, or maybe vice versa, right? Oh, like no one wants to talk about about this one, right? This is the uncomfortable part, maybe the part where I make you pause and think about what expectations you might actually have for your in laws.

You might have expectations for your for your interactions with them. You haven't even realized maybe you don't understand why they are constantly disappointing you or rubbing you the wrong way. Is it because they have created a set of expectations, right? Is it because you have created a set of expectations and how they're supposed to behave and welcome you into the family, and when, when they don't meet that standard is disappointing to you. It's uncomfortable. Maybe you have a belief that there's only one or two ways to host a holiday dinner, and the way they do it is just wrong, right? Let's sit in that and let's think about it for a minute. Do you have some expectations about these holiday and family events? And when it's not done that way, it just seems wrong. And it can be even sometimes it's even like little trivial, silly things, where, if we heard a friend talk about it, if our bestie was like, this happens. This happens, this happens, we'd be like, Oh my gosh. Eye roll. Move on. But it could be happening to us, and we don't even realize that that is what's irking us, that that's what's making us feel, you know, all Prickly, right? Do they use paper plates instead of real ones? Is it a potluck instead of them doing all the cooking. And you think, if they're hosting, they should be providing all the food, right? Are you used to having potlucks? And you're a little insulted every time you offer to bring food that they don't want you to bring it. And you just obviously assume that this means they hate your cooking. Is it a dry dinner? Do they do? They not serve alcohol at dinner, and you love to have a lovely, you know, creamy glass of, you know, not creamy, buttery glass of Chardonnay with your turkey. And that's a no, and you're not even, you know, it's really frowny face to Ponte, bring your own bottle and enjoy it. Just yourself. Okay, right? Those are expectations around our family events, and you might not even realize that you have made this list in your head, that you've made this list in your heart, and because your list and what's happening in real life and or like vice versa, their list of how they think you should host a family dinner, family event, you know they have a list of expectations, and you're not meeting those, and you feel that they are Feeling a bit Prickly, and you can't tell why you think it's just that you guys don't get along. Okay, so pause and think about that one really be vulnerable and truthful to with yourself, because that's going to be allow you to be vulnerable and truthful with your partner. And if you can be vulnerable and truthful with your partner on this topic, then that's going to be amazing, because you're going to be able to chat and reframe it together. We'll get to that a little bit later, though. But very similar to our expectations are our values, our personal values. And as you know, we have couples values, and these need to be in line, aligned, right? Our couples values need to be in alignment with each other. We already know that. Okay, since you've been listening all along, right? If you haven't, then do check out this episode. But those of you who have been listening along, you probably remember all the way back to the episode where we talked about what kind of personal centers people have, and that that holds a value. And we talked about how those centers like, if you're a family centered person, and then your love of life is work centered, how they're going to seem like workaholics, and you're going to seem like your family takes priority over them, right? And that if we, if these are not recognized in our relationships with the love of our life, there, we're going to be misinterpreting each other's, you know, actions and priorities all the time, right? And that's the same with our in laws. I mean, you don't live with them. You're not creating your own wonderful love space with them like you are with your love of life, sure, but not understanding that they have different values from you is going to make you feel like you're having holiday dinner with aliens, right? You're going to be like, Oh my gosh, I can't even believe that they would prioritize or focus on this. It's okay. People have different values, right? And you know, as long as your values are like you know, harming and murdering others, most of our values that we hold are okay to hold, right? So let's imagine it as a Venn diagram, so maybe your partner has 10 personal values and together, because you're just two little peas in a pod together, you share seven of those. Okay, so our little, our little circles are overlapping, we share some of the seven of those. Okay, so that's good. That's quite a bit of overlap of our little two circles. And because you use the cake model, of course, just as your daily way to be in your relationship, you. You have built up lots of positive interactions with each other, so you have a bank of positive interactions to draw from when you have your communication hiccups about those other three, right? Those three out of 10 that don't match up, those three out of 10 that need a little bit more discussion, a little bit more compromising everyone's in a while in order to move through them, and to be able to see each other's perspectives, and to be able to grow your love with each other, even through those hiccups. But now, and this is I'm using this just to really emphasize the example. The idea is your in laws only share three of your partners, right? Your in laws only share three of your partner's values, and those all happen to be the ones that you don't share. They are the three out of 10. Okay, so their Venn diagram, their little circle is not overlapping with your value circle at all. All right? And not only that, but you only see them a few times a year, so you're not building up that Bank of positive interactions or memories with them. And so then every time is ends up being awkward and draining, and then that means that you're less likely at any point to build up those shared moments of positive connections, right? You're less likely to build up those moments where you are, where you are. You know, able to make memories, to make those memories, there's also, you know, we've also talked about here, about how, you know, reminiscing about our memories and our good times together is an amazing way to keep our relationships, you know, focused on the positive and the love and the care and the kindfulness that we have towards each other. But if you're not making any memories, then you're not making up any good times to talk about over dinner or to remember when things are going a little rough with your in laws, right? You're not even really, maybe even able to share a smile with them or a joke. Maybe they can't share a joke with you, because everyone's just taking offense to everything, because there's not that foundation, right? It's difficult to grow a positive relationship when you have a shaky foundation, when you assume that everything is being done for the worst, or everything is being done because someone is on purpose, not being kindful, right?

And this can be difficult to broach with your in laws, if you're number three, if your communication style is misaligned. So so far, we've we've chatted and thought about if our expectations are misaligned with each other, or if we haven't recognized that our expectations exist, we have a thought about now our values, or what kind of centers our in laws might have that may differ from us, right? And now, what about your communication style? Well, it's hard to have a conversation with someone who has the opposite communication style with you when it's going to be a hard conversation, where it's going to be a heartfelt Hey, I've noticed that we're not getting along. What can we do to grow and improve our relationship? That's a very vulnerable, hard conversation to have with your in laws when you're feeling disconnected, right? And our you know our communication style, that's part of our details, and you know that's if our communication styles are not understanding each other, if they're misaligned, we're going to have more miscommunications, right? You have spent time with the love of your life, right? With your LOL, putting energy into understanding each other's communication, into practice problem solving, right around communication and what intentions were with messages you have practiced, you know, reconnecting after there's been arguments or miscommunications, right? Don't forget that our in laws develop their communication skills in a different era than us, in a different cultural time, cultural context, right? And in they were raised in a family that maybe had different values from our parents families, right? Our grandparents? Right? Your partner's grandparents may have had, you know different values, and those are the values that were reinforced, right? That was the communication style that was either reinforced or punished in that household, right? Your in laws have had their own life experiences that have also punished or reinforced their communication style, right? And now what you see, what you get to, enjoy and experience, is the result of all those years and years and years of life experience with their communication and what people responded to and didn't respond to, right? And so, and that's, I mean, that's true for all of. Let's let's not forget our you know how we are all lovely and self reflective, but we also have our own communication style, right and and that's What's lovely about us all coming here into this love space, is that we get to be self reflective of our communication. We you as a couple, get to be self reflective of your communication, right? You get to decide what communication your guys are going to reinforce for each other, right? What you're going to be a reward for each other, what you're going to grow as your communication styles together that are going to be beneficial for you as a couple, right? As a wonderful entity that's moving through this world together and building a beautiful life together. But they may not have the benefit of that. They probably actually 100% don't have the benefit of that, really, for if we're going to be honest, right? They right. That is true, and that's okay. That is okay. We have to remember that people have different lives, and that's okay. So our in laws are living their best life as they can, and we can respect that, okay? And so we're going to respect that their communication style may be different, and even though, in our heart of hearts, we may think it's totally, totally unbeneficial, right? Totally not helpful for their life. That's okay. It's okay. All right. Our fourth thing that could be misaligned in our relationships with our in laws is our love languages. So, you know, I love the five basic love languages, because that gets you started, and then you can dive down your own rabbit hole of, you know, how how detail oriented and how specific you want to pull each love language apart and make it into, you know, a million other categories, but the big picture is how we give and receive affection with each other. Okay, so you and your love of life have put energy right. You've been here in this love space, putting energy into recognizing each other's love languages, and you've been putting energy into actively practicing ways to show each other your affection more. You're not doing that with your in laws, maybe not even with your own extended family. Maybe your in laws think they're showing you affection or kindness, and that is not how it is being received or valued by you. Ooh. Have you thought of that? Right? That can also be happening vice versa. You know, you may be showing affection, right, and kindness to them, and they may not be receiving it or valuing it in that way, right? Maybe your in laws bring you flowers when they come over, you know, eg, gift giving, right? That's their language of love. But your language isn't gifts. Your love language is not gifts, it's acts of service. And they never offered to bring something to add to the dinner. They never offered to help with dishes. They all just sit around after dinner and it's so annoying to you, right? Oh my gosh. Have you ever paused and thought about that? Maybe they wonder why you don't walk in and give them a big hug when you arrive at their house, eg, physical affection, right? As an example, or, sorry, that could probably be an IE. IE, to say physical affection is what they is, their language of love. And then you always scurry off to do the dishes right after dinner. IE, you're not spending quality time with them, okay? And you you feel like you're trying so hard, right? Every time you go over, you do all of the dishes right after dinner, you clean up the entire kitchen, right? Because you like doing these access service because that's how you show love. Maybe that's not that. Maybe they don't know how to receive love that way, right? But, oh my gosh, when you actually, when you actually take a step back and look at that, look at that big picture piece of how we exchange affection with each other, if that's misaligned, or if you're misinterpreting that, right? Well, that just changing that, just making that recognition, could be a big deal, right? When you actually, I mean, I'm, I'm just surprising myself, thinking here that like you actually step back and look at these four pieces, right? These four big pieces, and you know how they can be filled in with so many different details to make up a healthy, functional relationship right with another human being. It is amazing to think that different families can even come together and enjoy a few hours of each other's time. So if you're in one of those families that can congratulate. Congratulations. Congratulations. Maybe you're looking out in some ways, I don't know, right? Maybe some of these things are naturally aligned for you all, and that's going to make, you, know, navigating these family dynamics way easier. But if it's not, it's going to take some pausing and some recognizing and acknowledging. So how are we going to improve this? Well, pretty much what I just said, because right now, you know, we're just realizing that how, or we're realizing how much could possibly be misaligned between us and our in laws. Okay, so the first step is just that is recognizing these big picture pieces and that they do exist between you and your in laws. They do exist between you and these other humans in your family and extended family that is amazingly important to recognize. Okay, the next piece, and hopefully you and your lol. Like to listen to this together, but maybe you don't. Maybe you have to recount the tales of what goes on, on, love, quirks and how you go, you're going to reimagine your social relationships and reframe them and and take take other people's perspectives into account. So open up a conversation with your partner, right? Open up a conversation to chat about, you know, realizing why they're even these hiccups, instead of just citing and arguing and and being cold and prickly with each other about how no one wants to go to this dinner, or you don't understand why the other one person doesn't understand why the other person doesn't want to go. Let's have like, you know, and maybe this could even be a mega moment of love, like, I don't know how heavy your Mega moments of love get and how vulnerable you want to be, or maybe this can just be a lovely like, hey, let's have a little weekday chat. Let's settle down. Let's cook a meal together. You know, me

and food and cooking and all those things. So this is what I would do. In my case, I'd be like, Hey, let's pick, uh, something fun to cook together. So we can have some time to connect. We can have some time to talk and chat and and then we can sit down to this lovely dinner. We can get a few bites in. And then we both know we're both already on the same page that we're going to talk about. You know, why are you know, what could be misaligned? What are the pieces here that might be missing? What are some of the details that actually now, when we think about these four big things, what are some of the details that that might be getting that might be causing these hiccups, right? And then it's usually best. This is what I will suggest, is that it is usually best for people to talk about their own parents or their own family first, and to kind of offer up, you know, maybe some insight, or, you know, your own thoughts about like, Hmm, okay, actually, you know, I've known my mom for a lot longer than you have love of life, and You know, I'm think she might show affection through gifts and acts of service. Okay, what do you think, like, do you think you see that when we're interacting with her? I think I saw that, you know, at this time or this time again, I'm using, like, kind of, you know, a voice, but you know that, like a kind of a, you know, very therapeutic, blind voice. I'm sure it's not going to sound exactly like that, but that's the big that's the big idea, something along those lines, where you're opening up that, like, Hey, this is how I see my parents. You know, do you see that too? Or do you see something different? Okay, but we're all going to remember in these conversations, right? You know that we're being vulnerable with each other, that you and your partner are on the same team. It's not me versus your parents, it's not you versus my parents. No one has to defend anyone's parents. No one has to defend anyone's families. Because what we are doing is we're pausing and seeing what the hiccups could be, thinking about them, acknowledging that there could be hiccups, because no human relationships are perfect, and as we talk about all the time on love quirks, because we're quirky, right? Hence the name of the show. We're all quirky. We all have our things about us. Nobody is normal. Okay? So nobody is perfect, right? And even if you think you're normal, you're still not perfect. If ever you're like, I have no quirks whatsoever. News flash, also still not perfect. So nobody is perfect. No one's ganging up on anyone else. We're going to open up this conversation with each other. Okay? It's really just to recognize and illuminate, okay, so and just being able to recognize those things is important, right? That's the first step, being able to recognize them and point them out and be like, Hey, this is the area we need to change. Just like, have a fantastic quiz that kind of, you know, is, like, super easy and simple and straightforward, but it kind of runs you through, you know, my four big pieces of cake, right? Our communication, our affection, our kindfulness and our energy, to kind of see which one you need the most of, right? Which one is the lowest one for you in your relationship, because that's going to help you focus in on where you want to start first. It also probably gets you to start thinking about what the strengths are of your relationship, because those are the pieces that are going to hold your relationship, not hold your relationship together, but keep your relationship strong, while you're working on building up the other pieces that are not as strong, that are not as foundational for you. And this is going to change, I think just recognizing, the interesting thing that happens when we just recognize something and acknowledge it is that it opens up our brain. So remember, at the beginning, I talked about trying that this is going to give you a new perspective on your in laws. So by just recognizing that they're not trying to be mean to you, right, that they actually might be just different from you, right? It's not that they just don't like you or whatever, this is going to change your interactions with them, just even realizing the fact that it's not that they don't like you, they just have, you know, they're just a different person with a different way of thinking. Okay, so maybe that's going to make you think of staying at the table after dinner and finishing your glass of wine and chatting to you know, offer up some some additional, some bonus, some heart to heart, quality time with them, rather than rushing off to do the dishes and do your act of service, right? Maybe you'll be like, ah, do you know what? I think this may be the way that they would like to feel affection. And I'm going to be a kindful person and offer that up this time. Maybe, you know, maybe I'm not the kind of person who can just sit and chat. So maybe instead of chatting for the whole 30 minutes after dinner, talk, because some some families are chatty, you know, maybe I'll stay for the first 10 minutes of it, and then maybe I'll say like, Hey, you know, I would hate to leave you with all those dishes. I am going to go and just finish those off for you so you don't have to worry about them. Whoa, kindful, very kindful, and you have given them a bit of quality time, right? So you filled up their cup, and you're allowing yourself to kind of fill up your cup by being able to show your affection the way you want, right? It's that's a two for one. That's fantastic. Okay, so that first piece to improving these family relationships is just to open up have that chat between you and your lol about these picture big picture things, right? And that everyone's families on the table for discussion, even if there is one side where the relationships are okay, still chat about that side. Maybe that side's easiest to start with, because maybe it's easier to recognize the things that are going well than the hiccups. Who knows? At you know, both families, everyone's on the table for discussion, right? Okay, and it's important to have those positive acknowledgements about why you connect with people, right? So don't forget to say, you know, if there are times where things have gone well with your in laws, do share that, right? Do share that, because that might also help you find the pieces that you can grow from, right, the pieces that you can build on the pieces that are not as shaky or like some little glimpses into more of what it could be like. And that's going to help you. That's going to help you get more excited for these upcoming family dinners and events, right? And I actually had one couple. I had one couple that I worked with, and they were just amazed. So they had only had time to do this opening chat thing, and they actually even rushed it a bit. So we had, we had, you know, it came up at the end of session one time, and we just had a brief moment to kind of just dive into the top of it, or just, you know, get into it a bit. And I suggest I said, Hey. Okay, so you know, we've already talked about these, these few pieces. I think it was probably languages of fluff that we focused on. I said we've already talked about this between you two. Okay, so have a little chat about how those show up in your in each other's families, for you guys with your in laws, and even on the car right there. So they were going to stay with their with the in laws for our wedding, and on the car ride there, they had a bit of time to drive. And so they opened up that conversation about love languages, right, and maybe even values. But they said, just arriving and having had that conversation, and having thought about previous. Experiences in previous interactions, and thinking about how maybe, maybe the details were, are the hiccups, right, that that made them feel so much comfortable, right, just by seeing their in laws as humans, as imperfect humans that make mistakes, right? This is right, imperfect humans that make mistakes that give them a whole different perspective on them, and just from that, they reported that their interactions were more positive, that trip not perfect, right? We're still a little bit drained after it. Maybe a whole weekend together is not the way to do it, but just having that change, you know, and if that's resonating with you that you and your love of life, maybe need, you know, a deep dive into sparking these relationships with your in laws. Maybe you know, you wouldn't even know to start, where to start with this chat. You know, that's okay. That's okay because I'm always here to help you out. I'm always here to support you. Um, I do think I have a few, a few, one to one coaching sessions available, right? But don't wait. Don't wait to, like, three weeks before Christmas, or three weeks before your family trip to Mexico where you're all spending 10 days together. Don't wait for that, because it does, you know, it does take time to work through these things properly, I guess you would say, right? So get started now. Think you know, you know, DM me through Tiktok or Instagram now to get your spot so that you're prepared for holiday time, so that you are prepared for your family events and your family trips that are coming up. Okay? So our next piece to try is to really acknowledge your expectations for them,

so, realizing that they are not your parents, right? Realizing that they are not perhaps your dream in laws that you created when you were a little kid, or when you got engaged, or when you moved in with your love of life, that they are just humans, okay? But they are also the humans that created your LOL, right? They are the humans that helped raise your lol. So I so really, they can't be all that bad because you fell in love with the human that they created, right? You love that human ever so much. So do recognize that. Think about the expectations you have for them. Okay, maybe ask your partner if he thinks you have any expectations for them, or if they think you have any expectations for them. Maybe if you feel your partner does have expectations for their parents or for sorry for your parents, for their in laws, you know, maybe right? We again. We're having these vulnerable conversations. No one's trying to be mean to anyone. But you might say like, Hey, do you know? Like, I feel you really want my parents to host dinner in a certain way, and you know, that's just not their style, okay? How? How can we change these expectations, right? Can we just be like, hey, you know, I would love to do to have a family activity that looked like this? But it's not, it's not going to happen this weekend, right? Right. It'll happen another weekend. It'll happen on another holiday. Okay, so we're going to acknowledge those expectations. We can even write them out, right, right, listing them, thinking about them. We're also going to acknowledge their efforts. Okay, so if after your chats, you and your partner can make some smart guesses about their love language, okay, about, you know, the way they're trying to communicate and interact with you. If you think that they might be trying to show affection, right? Even if it's not necessarily the way you like to receive it, we're going to try to be flexible with that. We're going to try to be open minded with that, okay? And we're going to acknowledge to ourselves and to our partner, wow, I can actually see now, now that I recognize, now that I think it might be acts of service. And they keep wanting to offer me help in my own kitchen, right? They keep trying to take over tasks that I'm already doing. I'm actually going to try to acknowledge that as that they're showing affection, they're showing care, and not just trying to be bossy. They're not just trying to boss me. It's maybe not necessarily that they think I do a bad job, right? And even if I think they they even if I think that they might be like, hey, you know the way you're I don't know the the way you're cooking that thing is not the way to cook it. That's interesting, because now I can have that perspective of like, wow, they have expectations of how whatever should be cooked for this whatever family. Holiday, and they're stuck on their own expectation of that, and that's making them, you know, have to over help me, huh? That must be really hard for them. Maybe I'll just step back. Maybe I'll just step back and let them over help me. You know, it doesn't no one's right, no one's wrong. And how to like, dress this turkey, how to make this gravy, how to do, I don't know. Those are just things that come up and buy holiday dinners, how to do this whatever, right? Okay, so, so if you think it could be an act of service, maybe even if you think they're holding you know you to certain expectation. You know you can recognize that, and you can let that go. If you think it is a way for them to show affection, though, let them know, right? You can also let them know when you're showing affection. You can do something like, Oh, I love, I love to get little gifts for people that I love, or I love to get little gifts for people who are close to me, and I just saw this whatever. I just saw this bottle of wine. I just saw this dish, dish towel. I don't know what you're bringing your in laws. I just saw this lovely, spicy jam and Brie set. I don't know why is that always food? I don't I must be hungry when I record this. So you could say, I just saw this little thing and I thought of you now because you've prefaced it with I just love to get people little gifts that are close to me. Or I just love to get people who are close to me little gifts. There we go. That's right order. Or I just love to get people I love little gifts. You've prefaced the comment with that, so that's going to give them, that's going to hint to them, that's going to let them know that this is an act of love and affection. So even if they're like, oh, you know, I don't love gifts, or I didn't really need cheese and jam, they're going to be like, Huh? That person's trying to show me that they love me. It's fantastic. Oh, and if that sounds scary, then it may be that we're touching on a moment of vulnerability. Uh, actually an a vulnerability opportunity for you to have with your in laws. Oh, exciting. Exciting. Because even if they don't pick that up, even if they don't, even if they're part, not part of this vulnerability opportunity, you're putting yourself out there, and that's going to grow, like I said, your own personal self worth, your own personal strength. And I bet your partner's going to notice, or you can even share with your partner after, like, I did this, and you know, the in laws still gave me blank face or neutral face, or a huh, or whatever, but I did it, your partner's gonna be like, Yay, hooray, hooray you. Hooray us. We are working on these relationships. Okay, next, you and your lol are going to open up and be clear with each other about your boundaries for you as a couple with your in laws, because remember, you as a couple are the collaborative team. You as a couple are that wonderful entity moving through life together? Okay, your in laws are having their own life. They're their own wonderful entity. So you as a couple get to put up boundaries around what you want to protect and what make you comfortable as a couple, and sometimes that's where couples have a lot of hiccups. So again, that's another, that's a whole other episode of 10. And if that, if that's tweaking you, if you're like, ah, that's the road that we need to go down. DM me. Get a hold of me. We can work on that. No problem. Okay, so some of these boundaries might be around, like, what kind of events or things work well for you as a couple to participate in with your in laws. How much time is a good amount of time to all spend together? If you're like, oh my gosh, I'm so drained after two hours, then I know your partner's not going to sign you up for a whole weekend with them, or is not going to sign you up if you do do the whole weekend, is not going to sign you up for every single family event there, right? That they are going to help you. You as a couple, are going to make that expectation. Oh, back to expectations. You're going to make that expectation with your in laws like we would love, we would love to come to I'm going to make your in laws very fancy. We would love to come to your lakefront cabin for the weekend. But do you know what? We're actually going to stay at this adorable little bit of breakfast that we saw near there. And, you know, we will come for dinner, and we will come out for the boat ride. Oh, they're very fancy. Then we will come out for the boat ride on such and such afternoon. And it's going to be so exciting to come up there and spend time together. Okay, you're going to set that boundary. It's going to be in a positive way, and you guys are going to hold firm together, because you are your own wonderful entity together, right? Okay, um, so that is going to help keep things positive and not too draining. When together, you are setting up those boundaries. And as a bonus piece to this, is thinking about on the flip side. Activities and ideas that you can suggest as a couple to your in laws, as a couple to your family, as something that would be enjoyable for you guys to do together, right? Maybe you don't love talking to your in laws for hours and hours on end while you stare at the little faces across the table, but maybe that is not your thing. Maybe you're not a conversation person. Maybe you're not a sit at you know, after we finished eating, sit at the table for hours. Kind of person. Okay, so invite them to a movie, invite them to a play, invite them to watch your children's soccer game, where there's another focus of attention, but you still get time to spend together. You still get time to connect. There's still some room for chatting or talking, but you're not just staring at each other. It's not just you, right? Whatever activities you think, this will be a lovely brainstorm, right? You can, you can. And then when you have decided these activities, then you get to reach out to your in laws. You get to extend the invite. You get to show that you are including them in your life, that you are reaching out to them right, that you are choosing to have them participate in your life.

That's amazing. That's a wonderful way to start building positive interactions with each other, because if you're inviting them to something that you know you will feel comfortable doing with them, then you're going to have, most likely, at least an okay time, maybe even a good time. And that's going to make a okay or good memory to have with them. That's going to allow you to share some of that pause, what we call positive affect, right? Sharing smiles, sharing laughs, right? Oh, look at our little kid is, you know, running across the soccer field. And look so adorable. Look at them up on stage at their dance recital. Oh, cute, right? Those will be things that you'll be able to all talk about together, to all reminisce about, and that will start to create that positive momentum in your relationship with them. Okay, whoo, so that was a lot of a lot of things to get through and think about with, with our in laws and with our extended family, but you know, this is your challenge before your next encounter with your in laws. Okay? You are going to challenge yourself as a couple to talk about where some of these big picture misalignments might be happening, right? Which, by the way, is a bit of a twofer, because this is also a great vulnerability activity between you and your love of life right then, once you're having this conversation, you are going to acknowledge your expectations for your in laws together. You're going to start to after you have after you see them, okay, after you see your in laws and hang out with them, you and your love of life are going to start to label and chat about and acknowledge moments during that dinner, moments during that Hangout, moments during that family event where they put effort in, moments where you were able to see their language of love, or moments where you showed them your language of love, or you know, or that you had An affectionate interaction with them. And then lastly, you're going to create that shared set of boundaries as a couple to uphold between you and your in laws and your extended family, right? And being able to see your in laws with this new perspective, right, being able to reframe their actions as just part of being human and part of figuring out your relationship with each other. That's going to be a place where you can start to grow right, where you can start to connect with them more, rather than disconnect with them, and that's going to keep you sparked.