Jan. 28, 2025

Hug It Out | LQ039

Hug It Out | LQ039

When’s the last time you hugged your partner just because? This episode is all about creating a love space you adore by getting crystal clear on what makes you and your partner feel loved. Whether it’s acts of kindness, sweet words, or those cozy hugs, affection isn’t just about action—it’s also about meaningful, non-sexual physical touch.

And here’s the science-y magic: regular physical affection encourages bonding, sharpens communication, eases stress, and makes your love feel like a safe haven (instead of leaving you searching for red flags). To keep that spark alive, let’s ditch two old mindsets: stop taking your partner’s presence for granted, and stop acting like affection is only for the honeymoon phase. Physical connection is a love skill to nurture your whole life!

Quiz: https://quiz.tryinteract.com/#/66ecb811bc1d7c432638a5e7

Values Cards: https://crystal-lee-clark-s-school.teachable.com/p/couples-conversation-topics-725547


About the Host:

Meet Crystal, your relationship and social health coach. Crystal is the founder of Sparked Forever Relationship & Singles coaching. She started her journey supporting the neurodiverse community in navigating this, sometimes frustrating, neurotypical social world. Lessons and inspiration from her earlier work drives Crystal’s passion for bringing couples and singles together through acceptance, understanding and big picture thinking to grow vibrant relationships. Crystal understands that the foundation for our social health and well-being starts with making connections to others. When Crystal is not working with couples, she loves to be out on adventures with her partner and bonus kids or spending time connecting with friends over good food and fun music.

Links:

https://sparkedforever.com/

https://www.instagram.com/sparkedforever/

https://www.instagram.com/sparkitsocial/

https://www.tiktok.com/@sparked_forever

  

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Transcript
Crystal Clark:

Welcome to our love space today. So let me just catch you up, because we're doing a bit of a podcast series here for you on creating your love space vision for 2025 and if you have not joined us yet in 2025 or if you're listening to this in the far future, Hello, future people. Welcome to the past. In 2025 do go back and listen to the first few episodes, because this is all about creating the love space that you want, right? So remember when we can't really get anywhere in life if we don't know where we're going, if we don't have a destination, and yes, we don't want to be over focused on that destination, because then we will miss the journey. But we sort of need to know where we're going to be on a journey, okay? And not to just be wandering Amos Lee and hope we come across something wonderful we want. We want to be on the wonderful journey, right? That's where we want to be. So last episode, we dug into communication, right into our cake model, right? Communication, affection, kindfulness and energy and how our cake piece is on the bottom. It is a really big part. It can stop up so many things, and I do go through that in the last episode. Kind of the chain reaction of how communication can start sticking up some things, and that's just a chain reaction until we're in like, you know, falling down a miserable hill of relationship disconnection. And we don't want to be there, right? We want to be up at the top, you know, enjoying the view from wonderful relationship mountain. And you know, for me, I'd be enjoying the view and having a sip of wine and some cheese, because also high up on relationship mountain, calories don't count. So fantastic. So again, welcome to our love space. Today, I am so glad you're here, and today we're going to be thinking about our next layer of cake, the affection piece. So affection really has two branches that we can think about. One is the action piece, right? So those are actions, more like our love languages, right? So it's not just our physical touch, but spending time with people, you know, using our words of affirmation, gifts can be part of our affection, right? So more of those action pieces, our kindfulness, our kind of gestures towards each other, all of those things. And then the other branch is the physical affection part. Now physical affection, it can be sexual, it could be non sexual, right? And some people can get really stuck in that sexual part, but there have been actually several states that really show a direct correlation, a direct correlation between the amount of touch that we get in our romantic relationship, the satisfaction with the amount of touch, and then that those two pieces correlate directly to the happiness of the people in that couple of the reported happiness that they have, right? Because that's an inside feeling, we have to have people report on it. Unfortunately, there's no like, I mean, actually, there probably could be a happiness brain scan. They probably could scan people's brains for that, but there's no happiness blood test, right? You know, so most studies have cooperated with each other that couples that have more touch, and then are also not just have the more touch, but that touch meets their needs for touch, or their expectations for touch, or their satisfaction for the amount of touch they're getting. Okay, then that directly correlates to them being happier. So if we think about that right, like, if I love hugs, and I, you know, maybe eight hugs a day is, like my minimum, and I get between eight and 20 hugs, then I'm going to be sitting up in that, oh, I'm feeling very happy with my relationship piece. Okay, if I need eight hugs, and I'm usually getting one or two, then that happiness rating is probably going to go down, or is definitely going to go down compare in in regards to what these research studies have found, right? And this is really just physical touch, like our our hugs are cuddling our, you know, some people do the hand on the small someone's back, you know, moving by each other, maybe snuggling while we sleep, or touching in some way, right? All of those pieces that are not necessarily sexual, right? They're just our physical touch pieces. And I am not a sexual health person, so if you're listening to this, and then the sexual health, the sex piece is the really big hiccup for you, then we will find you some other resources for that. Because I, like I said, I'm not a sex therapist, I'm not a sexual health person. I do know some about it, but that is not where we're going to touch on today. So if that's your hiccup, we've got some other resources for you. But the important piece here is we're thinking of that non physical effect. Action. And the reason why I like to actually, the the great thing about thinking about that piece is because some people do have hiccups about sex. Now this could be anatomical hiccups, right? Like maybe we have some sexual dysfunction, or some actual sexual health difficulties, where maybe we need medication, or we need different types of treatment or therapy for them that can get so complicated, then we also all have, you know, lots of learning experience or life experience, or maybe baggage things from maybe unpleasant sexual experiences. And there can be so much to unpack. Now, again, sometimes with physical touch, there can be that to unpack. But the great thing about non sexual touch is that it helps create that bond and connection, and is one of the reasons why we see so much of it in the beginning of relationships. Because if you're not getting a lot in the beginning, then you're probably not having an important foundational piece to help build up your bond. And maybe it doesn't really work out with that person when you're first dating them, right? If they're not meeting those physical connection needs for you, right? So if you're a person who needs eight to 10 hugs a day, that's me, and you're starting to date someone, and they're giving you one or two hugs, you're not going to be feeling that satisfaction right from the beginning, right? There's going to be a piece missing there already. And the other great thing to think about when we're thinking about our love space and our love of life, and creating that love space that we want for 2025 is that your love of life is a person that you get to touch, right? You guys get to touch each other, we in non sexual ways that very few other people in the world get to do with you, or maybe even no one, depending on what your friendship connections and what your family connections look like like, maybe that is one of them. Maybe your love of life is one of the only people you hug in the world. Or maybe it's one of the only people that you get daily hugs from in the world. I don't know, right or like, you know you're able to snuggle with, or you're able to touch, or you're able to get those physical connection interaction moments in, right? That is such an amazing idea, if you think about it, that your love of life, besides being all the other things, and besides, you know, you having a special connection with that person, they're one of the only people that has access to your physical being like that, right? One of the only people, and probably one of the only people where you feel so much comfort for them to and so so much safety for them to have physical access to you right now, like I said, Sometimes we're having some hiccups about that sexual piece, but we're going to look beyond that, right? We're going to let go of that for listening to this, to this episode. So think about that is so special. They have such a special place in your world, and you have a special place in their world, that you get to do this physical connection piece with each other. And I think the two things to really open up your mind to this idea, two things that we're going to need to let go when we think about our physical affection with the love of our life, is one we're going to let go taking that person for granted. Because I think that's why sometimes we can let just our physical the like everyday little physical touches, like the hugs and the kisses and the hand holding and the things like that. I think one of the reasons we can let it slide is because that person is always there, and we can start to take that person for granted, like they are just a built in fixture in our home, a built in fixture in our love space, right? And they're just there. And we can kind of take them or leave them, I guess, because they committed to being there, right? And I would like us to let go of that idea, even if they committed to being there each day, you are choosing each other. Each day you are continuing to wake up and to make that choice every day to love that person and be with that person, right? No one really has to be there, especially in a day and age now where we, you know, where everyone can can find a job, right? Where everyone can has or not everyone where, like, you know, you have, it's not like 50 years ago or 60 years ago or 100 years ago, where maybe, like, if you were a certain gender, or like a certain thing, that you didn't have access to education, or you didn't have access to certain jobs, right? We the one of the great things about life now is sort of, we don't need anyone. But also one of the downfalls of our society, in our life, or, like, one of the pit not maybe downfalls, pitfalls about it nowadays is that we really don't



Crystal Clark:

need anyone, right? We can have our groceries delivered. I mean, I guess we need the people to deliver them, but probably one day soon there'll be robots. Is that, you know, we don't technically need anyone like, maybe we used to like, maybe we used to have to get married, or we used to have to be in a committed relationship, because I wouldn't be able to hold down a job, or I wouldn't be able to sign up for my own credit card, or I wouldn't be able to purchase a house. Or sign for rent, or all of these things, right? Or I'd have to go live in a special like that when those women's only apartment buildings or something. Okay? So we don't have as many restrictions like that. What we have more choice now, which is probably why we all get so much decision fatigue. But we have more choice. And so I I think if you reframe it, that every day you are making that choice to be there, to participate. I mean, some days are going to be more difficult than others, because life is more difficult on some days than other days, right? But you are making that choice no one really has to be there. So if we reframe it like that, that we're not taking each other for granted, that our special person is there, I think that will also reframe how much affection we want to show them right? And not to show them like, Oh, I'm trying to convince you to stay here, but show them to be like this. This person is precious to me. They're one of the only people in the world that get to hold me and hug me and snuggle me and kiss me and have that physical connection. Piece with how wonderful and they're choosing to be here and doing it with me, how fantastic that's going to elevate right? That's going to reframe the way you are viewing that person and your relationship with each other. It's going to elevate it to those wonderful, magical, special days when you first started going out, right, when you couldn't get enough of touching each other. We want to bring you back there. The second thing we need to let go of is we need to let go of the mindset that only certain things are for the beginning of a relationship, right? That like, which is so crazy to me, but lots of people think like that, right, that only certain things are good at the beginning of the relationship, whether that's making the person feel special by, you know, bringing them flowers or gifts or whatever. Or, you know, having more creative sex I don't know, right, or showering together, or, you know, finding new fun events to go to together, or, you know, doing low massages for each other. Whatever that thing is, whatever those things are, they're not just for the beginning of your relationship, they tend to blossom and bloom in the beginning of our relationship. And again, because doing all those things for each other helps express our love, and we're in such a place to express our love and our caring for that other person that this is what we want to do for them, right? And then what happens is we get caught up in life, right? Why is holding hands only for the start of a relationship? Why can't you hold hands all the way through your life together? And the answer is you can. The answer is 100% you can, and there's no reason not to. It's just because we take that person for granted, or we've held hands with them so much that now we start to forget to hold hands with them, or we forget that that's important, and it is important. Okay? So we need to change. We need to let go of those two ideas, change our mindset, have a bit of a reframe on them, and that's going to help us to move forward. So, so we're going to change and reframe our mindset from this person has to be here, and life is too busy for me to pay full attention to them. Okay, that's going out the window for 2025 we're bringing in for 2025 into our love space, the energy that I choose to love you today, and I'm choosing to love you every day and to be in my love space with you. That's our reframe. Wow, crazy, right? Think about that. If you were like, hey, person over there, person over there, on the couch that I'm sitting beside today, right? I'm choosing you today. I'm choosing to love you, I'm choosing to be with you, I'm choosing to hold hands, I'm choosing to snuggle you, choosing to give you a kiss. I'm choosing all of these things that are going to grow our love together. Okay, so that's one we've heard. Now we can also change from that's only for fresh relationships. We don't need to touch anymore too, because I think that is silly and weird personally, but everyone's love is different and like and like I said, you know, the amount of physical affection for everyone's going to be different, but you need to think about what your level is, right? Because all of our love quirks, and I will say, just like we've talked about with our population scale, there will be people on either end to like, need, like, I want to be touching a person all day and never let go, like a little weird koala bear backpack. That could probably be me. Um, two, the person who's like, I need my one hug once a week or whatever, and that's it. But there's still physical affection there, right? Or I like a high five. Hugs are too much. High five is nice. Finger high five, whatever it is. Okay? So we're going to reframe from that's only from fresh relationships too. I love touching that person, right? I love touching you. I can't wait to touch my person when I get home, right? We talked about that in the maybe two episodes ago. Like that positive anticipation, right? The fact that you want to get home, you want to get to your love space, you want to interact and touch. Touch the love of your life. You want to chat with them, you want to touch them, you want to be with that person. And that's very much in the beginning of our relationship. That just comes naturally. But why does it come naturally? Because we have all of these natural ways to hone in and zone in on each other, but we can re tap into those natural ways and build on that that is not a problem. So if those are your mindset, then your love space is going to be getting and giving affection, right? Your actions are going to lean you towards a love space, into the things that you need to do, into the behaviors that are going to keep your love growing, right? The other great thing is that our bodies, as we know I've talked about this a few times, are pre programmed to benefit from positive physical interactions, and even if you're neuro spicy, again, if you're neuro spicy, the way you're filling in this detail, physical affection is going to be tweaked. It's going to be colored in a different way that suits your body's physical needs and your brain, but we still actually all produce the same the same hormones, right? We're all producing the serotonin, the dopamine, the oxytocin, but they may be present in us at different levels depending on how our brain works, and we may get more like bigger doses or lesser doses, depending on how our brain and our body works, okay, but that doesn't mean anyone's exempt from this. So far, I haven't found any research whether you have autism, ADHD, other neuro, spicy things. There's no exemption so far, okay that we have found in the research. So we do know that positive physical touch increases our production of just those things I mentioned, our serotonin, our dopamine and our oxytocin, and that some studies have even showed this in relation to activity. So I know I've talked about this on love quirks before, but the fact that just doing something with another person, even if it doesn't involve physical touch, like singing a song together, sharing a laugh together, right, watching something or looking at each other and laughing and smiling, that those all actually produce serotonin and oxytocin in our body, just those like connection moments, right? So not even the physical touch part, right? Just connecting with another human being does those things and and connecting with another human being where you're sharing an experience. So not just you and me are watching the same movie, but we're laughing at the same part, right? Or not just you and me are listening to a song, but we are singing the song together, right? Well, that's That's why karaoke is so so many people love karaoke, and it can feel so joyful and uplifting because it actually releases, I think it releases more the serotonin piece. But I can't remember that study off the top of my head, but there you go. So, yeah. So those activities, even just doing those activities, with the love of your life, you know, is so like beneficial for your health, right, because we also know that that these hormones that our body releases when we have these moments, that they actually also support our ability to communicate with each other, right? Okay, so you can see how this layer of cake, right, that our affection layer is actually going to feed back into our communication layer. It's actually also going to feed back into our kindfulness and our energy layer, because for our kindfulness piece and our communication piece, these hormones help us communicate and problem solve, but for



Crystal Clark:

our kindfulness piece and our energy piece, that they actually would do reduce our stress, right? But reduce our stress in a way, as in, they signal to our body that we don't need to look out for so many signs of danger. And that's a really interesting idea. If we are in a state of, you know, chronic, you know, stress or fight or flight or freeze all of the time, right? If we are having these anxious or worried pieces all of the time, and our brain is constantly looking for danger signals. Well, when when we constantly look for things, we're constantly going to find things right? And that can also happen in our relationship. If we are experiencing chronic stress, then our brain is constantly looking for problems. It's constantly looking for dangers. It's constantly looking for things that we should not trust. And we want to flip that in our brain. We want our brain to be looking not like. We want to be like, looking for accepting red flags. But this is actually probably why it can be really hard to identify red flags when you are at the beginning of a relationship, because you're having so much of that physical connection time and making out and holding hands and all of those things that your brain is not looking for any dangers, right? It's not looking for those red flags versus when your body and your brain is in a. Eight where, where it is constantly looking for dangers, is going to constantly find them, right? And so that could actually be the flip, you know, I read a book called, I think it's called the anxiety age, where it's talking about how a lot of people who grew up with iPads and iPhones have high rates of anxiety, because our brain is constantly looking for those pieces to worry about. And that could, that actually could be related to this idea of finding x in everyone, right? Because I'm constantly looking for the problems. So these things that are actually totally typical and normal for a person to do, like, I don't know if you've seen those lists on tick tock, but when people are talking about the icks, like, Oh, I saw him like, use crutches when he had a broken leg, what you saw him use a completely legit medical device, crutches for a very real and serious problem, broken leg, to help him move around so he could still do stuff and not just be lazy and sit like a bump on log. And that gave you an ick, interesting, right? But you can see if you're always looking, if your brain is always looking for problems, it will find them. Okay. So, ah, science. So if we are, if our brain is not looking for promises, not looking for these things, we have so much more energy and kindfulness, right? I pray and prioritizing to give. I don't know if you can use prioritizing like that, but there you go. You have it. You so much more prioritizing to give for the love of our life and for our relationship. So there you go, science. And with science, the other piece that we want to do, once again, is put these things down in writing. We want these things to be in written form, to make them black and white, to make them concrete, to make them tangible. We don't just want them floating out there in the world. We want to make this vision of our love space and how we want our affection to be and to look like and to feel like, for 2025 and forward, right? 2025 and beyond, we need to put it in writing. Okay? Because writing makes it real. Writing makes it so that we can go back and remember what we said or what we thought or what we want things to be like, and to check in right, and to be able to tweak so here are some writing prompts that I want you to think about so you can have your little notepad out, your little note and your phone, however, works for you. So what touch or physical moments feel good for you? Are you a hugs? Person, cuddle, person, foot, massage, back, massage, hand, massage, hand holding. What kind of person are you? Right? Some people might like to sit each on their own end of the couch, but have their little feets touching, right? That's cool. That's still physical contact. It doesn't have to be what everyone thinks about it, right? Again, I'm giving you that big picture piece of you need some physical affection, some non sexual physical contact between you and your love of life that's going to help keep your love and your spark going for each other. But how are you going to fill that detail in? What does that look like for you? What feels good to your body? What feels good to your partner's body? That's what you want to think about. That's what you want to write down. And I also put here now, not that I want us to focus on the blood parts, but maybe some thought or some notes about what might feel not so good or weird or uncomfortable. And again, maybe you and your partner haven't really talked about it out loud. Do you know maybe you just always shy away from certain things or avoid certain things, and or vice versa, your partner shies away or avoid certain things. So that's that's a possible piece, but, but what feels weird or not good to you, because that's important for you to know for each other, and maybe you haven't actually verbalized it, right? Maybe you sort of both know, like, if you were, if you were to be asked on, like a newlywed quiz or like a relationship quiz, maybe you'd be able to answer that. But have you actually said it to the other person, and is that, and is it that one of their go tos to show affection, right? Is there a bit of a misalignment? So that's why I put that in there. Again, we're thinking about what feels good, right? What's not so good. What do we want? Less of, maybe none of those kind of things. And then our next one, again, is how much, how much. And again, the more specific we can be, the better, right? But you may not know, you may have never thought about and again, I'm using hugs just because it's a it's a simple example. It's a simple example to do. They're not they're non offensive, right? Hugs, maybe not. But you know what's your minimum? And is there a maximum? Right? Again, I'm a very touchy feely, physical connection person, and I probably don't have a maximum, not really, I don't think. But some people, I definitely have a minimum, and some people might have a minimum and a maximum, right? They might be like, ah, yeah, like 20 Hugs is great, or like, five is good. Five is good. I'm happy with five hugs. 10, probably lot 50. If we start to get to, like, above 10, then I'm like, get starting to get sick of hugs. Okay, so you have to think. You also have to think, are there times in places where it's more comfortable for you, and again, because you love quirks and everyone's their own individual? I mean, my thought would be like, I think it's never a bad time or play and your place to have some physical contact with the love of your life, but not that's not comfortable for everyone. So some people might be like, hey, yeah, we can be as, like, as touchy feely as we want when it's at home, just the two of us, when we're out with friends, when we're out with family, when it's blah, blah, blah, then I'm not so comfortable. And we can be flexible with people. That's, that's the, those are the details that you guys are going to color, and those are the you know, collaborations, the you know, maybe the compromises. I don't love the word compromise, right? But those are the, the kind of give and takes that you guys are going to design together for your love space, right, where and so, and looking at like, you guys can each answer this yourself, right? You and your love of life will answer these ideas, and then you're going to come together and you're really going to share with the overlap is in your love space. And you might be surprised, like when I do this activity with people, a lot of people are surprised, because previously, maybe they have jumped to conclusions or assumptions, which we talked about in last episode on communication, that maybe they've jumped to conclusions or assumptions about what they thought the other person would say about what they wanted for their physical touch and things like that. Or, you know, maybe they've said that they don't like snuggling before. But I was open, vulnerable, and I did put it on the thing of one of the ways I like to, you know, when we sleep, I do like to feel snuggled. That makes me feel loved. And you would be surprised at how many good giving game partners there are who go, Ah, well, I know I've said that I don't like snuggling when we sleep, but now that I've actually seen it in black and white writing, and now that I've heard you say it and be vulnerable and be open, and we're now that we're on this path to creating a love space for the for us together, that actually, do you know what? Probably one night a week, or probably once in a while, not one time a year, but for some people, might be one time a year, but once in a while, for sure, I can snuggle when we go to sleep. Whoa. So we went from assuming it was 100% No, don't say about it. Don't ask about it. Because when we're chatting with friends and when we're in conversation, that partner would always talk about how they didn't like snuggling or cuddling to fall asleep, and they like to have all of their sleeping space. And maybe starfish, I don't know the other person has to sleep on the edge of the bed. Maybe that's the case. But what I think is so great is that you would be that you get surprised, that even though that's someone's opinion and that's someone's whatever, when they're out and about and chatting to friends and chatting to life, that doesn't mean it's 100% absolute, and that doesn't mean that they can't have moments of flexibility and love and kindfulness for their love of life, right? So it's so it's so great when we work through these these steps and these processes and really get things concrete and clear, the magic and the understanding, I call it magic, but the understanding and love that can happen in these moments when we're assuming they can't, and they absolutely 100% can. And the other thing to maybe let go here, but, and I think, you know, I already kind of harped on this, actually, at the beginning,



Crystal Clark:

but I have it in my notes here, so I will share it again, is that physical touch doesn't mean sex, right? So let's not put those 100% all together, because I do know lots of couples where they can get into that cycle where maybe there's some hiccups about sex, or we don't 100% feel like having sex, feel comfortable having sex, whatever the background is to the the not so much sex piece, okay, whatever the background is to it, we are not having it, and now we're in a cycle where, you know, someone might think about doesn't really think about touching, or thinks about sex, and then they go, Ah, yeah, I would like to have some of that. And I know physical intimacy, that touching piece is the what some of the first steps to that right and the and then that makes this cycle where you assume that because you are getting physical touch or affection, that 100% you know, in 10 minutes, you're going to be asked for sex, and that you're not into the sex. And so then we start avoiding the physical connection all together. And then it becomes a cycle. And now everyone's emotional cup is drained, because the person who's having, the heck, who, what is, is maybe into the sex or into the whatever they're having, you know, that piece for them is not getting fulfilled. And the other person who probably would, I mean, both people would probably like, would like some. Physical connection of some part, but haven't been intentional about it, haven't separated it out from that other piece. Now no one's getting it, and now our emotional cup is draining, and now we it's hard to get back to sex, right? It's hard to get back. And again, I'm not a sex therapist, so don't quote me on that, but I know in my previous relationships and in you know my life that it is hard to get to sex if you are not having those moments of non sexual physical touch, and those moments of being open and comfortable with having that physical connection, that's really hard to get to the next part. Okay, so we know all of the benefits of our non sexual physical touch, that it makes all of our wonderful hormones that make us feel more connected, better problem solving, better communication, that make us right wanted, that give that energize us right, that reduce our stress, that stop us looking for those dangers that put us in a just a more positive daily space. Okay, so we know all of those benefits how I've given you the big picture for it, that affection is important. It's an important piece. We've demystified whether it's important or not, it's important. Now the important part is, how are you going to feel in those details, what touches, what physical connections, what actions are going to get you to move toward being more bonded? What connections are going to get you towards being more positive? Right? Have having that more positive anticipation for each other, wanting to see your lol after work so that you can hug, kiss, hold hands, dance snugly, whatever you are going to do, what are you looking forward to, those little moments, those meaningful actions that are going to keep you sparked you.




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